– CHAPTER THIRTEEN POINT FIVE –

Snape's Special Class

There was a lull following the Quidditch match against Hufflepuff. Despite Harry's anxiety that Quirrell might crack at any moment and leave Snape's way to the Philosopher's Stone unbarred, he had never felt happier. Even his lessons were getting easier, with the exception of Potions.

'I might actually get this Laxative Elixir right if I knew I was testing it on Snape", muttered Ron under his breath during one particularly oppressive lesson.

Harry snorted. Unfortunately, Snape had chosen just that moment to walk over to the table where Harry and Ron were grinding their erumpent horns.

'You think my having a diarrhoeal explosion funny do you, Potter, Weasley?' said Snape in his silkiest tones. 'I'm sure you'll find detention with me this evening equally amusing.'

By the time they returned to the Gryffindor common room that night, it was almost empty. Hermione was saving their favourite squashy armchairs by the fire.

'Ugh, what did he make you do? You smell terrible.'

'Apparently Professor Dumbledore prefers chamber pots to normal toilets. Snape made us clean his collection out without magic', Harry said in a low tone. Casting his eyes around for a change of subject he asked, 'What's that on the noticeboard?'

'Oh, yes. We're starting a new class this week.'

Harry walked over and started reading:

Sexual Education Class

First years from Gryffindor are required to attend sexual education classes this term. The first class will be held on Thursday afternoon in the Great Hall with Slytherin House. Attendance is mandatory.

Ron had followed Harry to the noticeboard and was reading over his shoulder. When Harry turned around, he was surprised to see Ron gaping at the notice wearing an expression of utmost horror.

'Oi, Ron, what's the matter with you?'

Ron appeared to have lost the power of speech. Blushing as maroon as his socks, he turned away and mumbled something incomprehensible before throwing himself into a chair next to Hermione.

Harry was very confused. What was Ron so embarrassed about? Before he could ask, Fred, George and Lee Jordan came over to them.

'So, you seen the notice board then, lads?' Fred said, winking.

Harry was about to answer when Hermione piped up.

'Of course we have!' she answered. Lee Jordan was sniggering. 'It's no laughing matter Lee! Sex education is very important. But seeing as how none of you seem to have gone through puberty yet, I wouldn't expect you to understand!'

Harry took advantage of the slightly awkward silence following this to ask,

'What is sexual education?'

There were a few more seconds of awkward silence following this. Harry gave a sheepish grin which was the signal for the twins and Lee to let out an uproarious shout of laughter.

'Good one Harry,' said George, tears rolling silently down his cheeks.

'Mind you, I bet there are one or two little runts who really don't know what's coming,' said Fred through his grin.

Harry didn't like the sound of that, but he knew better than to ask any more questions in front of this gaggle. He decided he'd ask Ron when they had a moment's privacy.

However, the moment's privacy didn't come either that evening or the next morning, and Harry quickly forgot, what with homework and Quidditch.

Thursday afternoon came accompanied by weak sunshine. After lunch, Harry, Ron and Hermione were relaxing in the courtyard. Harry and Ron were in the middle of a heated discussion about the upcoming Quidditch match, when Hermione stood up and said,

'Right, come on then. We'd better head down to the Great Hall.'

'Oh yeah, it's sex-ed today,' said Ron, his ears turning red as he made a face at Harry.

Harry hesitated for a moment, wondering whether he should ask Hermione and Ron about it. But something in the way that Hermione was walking a metre ahead of them and not making eye-contact warned him against it.

They were amongst the last to reach the Hall and sat down with the other Gryffindors. The Slytherins were sat on the other side at their table. As Harry, Ron and Hermione walked in, Malfoy shouted,

'Looking forward to this Potter?' making what was clearly a rude gesture.

Harry was about to respond when Professors McGonagall and Snape walked in. The first years became immediately silent and Professor McGonagall took to the stage. There was a heavy pause before she spoke.

'As you know, today we will be starting the study of sexual education.'

A few uncontrolled sniggers were emitted from both sides of the room. McGonagall frowned.

'This subject may be a little…different from your other classes, however, Professor Snape and I expect no less than your best behaviour. Any kind of immaturity will not be tolerated and you will be sent straight to Professor Dumbledore.'

That put an end to the giggles.

'Now, as I'm sure you expected, we will be dividing the class by gender. The ladies will please come with me, and gents with Professor Snape.'

With that she strode towards the Entrance Hall and the girls stood up and followed her. Hermione was still avoiding eye-contact.

'Come,' said Professor Snape, and the boys followed him down to the dungeon.

Harry and Ron took their usual seats at the back of the classroom. Neville, Seamus and Dean were at the next table. Seamus winked at Harry as they sat down, but before any jokes could be shared, Professor Snape began.

'Silence!' he commanded to the already silent audience. 'I do not wish to be here any more than you, but Professor Dumbledore has deemed it necessary that this class be taught. Any foolishness,' his eyes rested on Harry, 'Will be punished with worse than just a trip to the headmaster's office. Do I make myself clear?'

His eyes remain locked to Harry's and for a second Harry experienced the familiar sensation that Snape could read his mind.

'Let us start by assessing who has done the pre-reading.'

'But sir, there was no pre-reading—'

'Silence!'

Snape turned again to Harry.

'Potter, define puberty.'

Harry looked blankly around the room to see Ron staring at his feet, blushing, Neville who was looking as befuddled as Harry felt, and the smirking face of Malfoy.

'I'm not familiar with that spell,' he muttered.

'Excuse me Potter? Speak up.'

'I said I'm not familiar with that spell,' Harry repeated a little louder. His fellow Gryffindors in closest proximity were looking at him with confusion.

'Be more eloquent or I will take five points from Gryffindor.'

'I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH THAT SPELL OK! I WAS RAISED BY MUGGLES SO EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T KNOW EVERY LITTLE WIZARDING TIT BIT!'

Then he proceeded to rant on in an equally high pitched voice where his peers could only decipher some words and phrases like 'DEAD PARENTS', 'THIS DUMB CLASS' and finally, causing a couple of winces and gasps, 'VOLDEMORT'.

He was surprised to see Ron wearing an expression of abject embarrassment whilst the Slytherins guffawed in the background.

Snape's lip curled upwards into a rather sinister smile.

'Let's make that twenty points from Gryffindor. I made it clear at the beginning of the class that I would not tolerate any tomfoolery, unless,' he paused 'Could it be, Potter, that you truly do not know the meaning of this word?'

Harry stared defiantly at Snape.

'Very well. Is there anyone else in this class as uneducated as Mr. Potter?'

Slowly, Neville raised a tremulous hand in the air.

'I should have remembered that I have the two most moronic pupils in the whole school in this room. Would anyone care to explain for these dullards the concept of puberty?'

Malfoy started speaking even as he raised his hand in the air.

'Sir, puberty refers to the natural changes which occur when you mature from a child to an adult', scoffing under his breath, 'If you mature from a child to an adult that is.'

'Well done Mr. Malfoy, ten points to Slytherin. Potter and Longbottom, you may leave and present yourselves to Professor Dumbledore. You are not fit to be taught with your peer group.'

Harry made eye contact with Ron as he started to pack his things and was met with a slightly apologetic, if still avoidant, gaze. The cause of his embarrassment was starting to unravel itself in Harry's mind. He'd never really given much thought to how it might happen, or to the idea that it might happen to him, but he did have a vague awareness that adults were a little different from children. Thinking about it made him feel weird. Shoulders slumped and accompanied by a jittery Neville, Harry left the dungeon.

Still though, this wasn't fair, he thought. Why should the fact that the Dursleys hadn't sat him down to explain puberty result in remedial sex education with the headmaster? His thoughts were unceremoniously interrupted.

'Um, Harry… do you know how to get to Dumbledore's office?'

Harry bit back an instinctive cutting response towards Neville, who he felt was partially responsible for their shamefaced dismissal from class.

'No, I don't.'

Even as he said this, he realised that Neville did pose a good point. How would they go to Dumbledore if they didn't even know the where his office was?

'We could go back and ask Snape–'

'Are you daft?' Harry hit back, 'No really, what the hell is wrong with you?'

As Neville recoiled in fear at Harry's unprecedented outburst, Harry pondered the idea of returning to the dungeons and facing Snape again while his classmates looked on in mockery and decided then and there that they could never go back. This had created quite the conundrum as Harry and Neville were still no closer to finding Dumbledore without the assistance of one hook-nosed professor. Unless–

'McGonagall, we have to ask her.'

This compromise was only the slightly less intimidating option as Harry knew that McGonagall, whilst not as horrific as Snape, was inquisitive enough that she would want an explanation for their absence from their intended class. Harry's heart sunk even further as he realised this would mean walking into Hermione's lesson, and he wasn't sure he wanted any further clarification on why the girls had been split from the boys.

As Harry and Neville sauntered towards the Transfiguration classroom – Harry two feet ahead of Neville – they both pondered what other humiliating altercation they were going to have and before they knew it they had arrived at the door.

'Now as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by Patil and Brown's immaturity, tampons go through the–'

Before McGonagall could continue she caught the sheepish faces of two boys in the corner of her eye.

'Potter, Longbottom, do you have vaginas?'

'– Err…'

'The answer is NO boys. You both had better have a good explanation for your presence in my class.'

Harry felt feverish when he looked at the professor's exasperated face. Her tight and tall bun, that many students viewed as an institution of poise and bossiness was unravelling with a few stray strands sticking out. Hermione's questioning face was peeking out over her desk.

'Any day now boys…'

'Um, we were wondering if you could point us in the direction of Professor Dumbledore's office?'

Neville's squeaky voice followed by an awkward laugh stood out in the enduring silence that Harry was unable to break.

'Why do you need to go to Professor Dumbledore's office when you are supposed to be in class with Professor Snape?'

'We were dismissed,' Harry finally muttered.

McGonagall's hearing seemed to be far better than Snape as she easily picked up Harry's quiet voice.

'Dismissed. Why?'

The other students in the class were starting to get curious and were trying to get a better view of the unfolding events.

Neville piped up in what Harry felt was an unnecessarily loud tone,

'Professor Snape said we were unfit to be taught by him because we didn't know the meaning of the word puberty.'

This statement was followed by loud giggles, immediately shut down by a look from Professor McGonagall. She turned back to the boys.

'Right, well, accessing Professor Dumbledore's office requires a password which is known only to the staff. I would suggest you seek out Mr Filch or Hagrid to accompany you.'

Harry didn't need to be told twice. He bolted, Neville tripping behind him.

'Look, there's Filch—'

'Don't even think about it.'

He practically ran out of the building towards Hagrid's hut. The sun had gone back behind the clouds, as if embarrassed to even look at Harry. Harry's face was generating enough heat that he didn't mind this.

Harry's relief at reaching Hagrid's hut was immediately shattered when he entered, only to find Professor Dumbledore himself sat at Hagrid's table with an enormous mug of tea.

'Harry! What're doin' here, don't you have classes ter be in righ' now?', asked Hagrid in surprise.

Neville, typically, was dumbfounded by the appearance of the headmaster and Harry found himself having to explain their situation.

'Um… We've been chucked out of sexual education by Sn— I mean Professor Snape because we weren't felt to be up to standard so he told us to go and see Professor Dumbledore only we didn't know how and Professor McGonagall said you could show us so…', Harry tailed off lamely. Even Hagrid looked embarrassed.

Dumbledore however was smiling benevolently into his tea.

'Ah, the trials of youth,' he murmured, mysteriously. He nibbled daintily at a solid slab of Hagrid's homemade fudge.

An awkward pause ensued.

'Um, Sir… Are you—'

'Remind me, Hagrid, had we introduced this class yet when you were at Hogwarts?'

'No Professor,' replied Hagrid gruffly, not meeting Harry's gaze.

'Ah I see, it explains… a lot, I think. No, not about you, Hagrid. Others, shall we say, who may have been your contemporaries…'

Turning to Harry and Neville, he said, 'Professor Snape was right to send you for my special tutelage, boys.' His eyes were twinkling. 'Now, let us begin with love, the most important magic that there is. Love may be between any two people, or magical creatures even, or a person and a magical creature…'

What followed was the most confusing class of Harry, Neville and Hagrid's lives. The lesson got rather more muddled part way through when Hagrid finally lost it and Professor Dumbledore had to calm him down with a large measure of honey coloured liquid that smelt strangely like muggle paint stripper. Harry and Neville left a shaken Hagrid in the care of the headmaster at the end of the hour and set back off to the school.

'Harry,' began Neville diffidently, 'Did you get any of that? What did he mean about Stinksap coming out of your wand—'

'NEVILLE!'

The truth was, Harry hadn't understood what Dumbledore had been talking about at all but somehow the whole topic seemed cursed and he didn't want to think about it any longer. An unwanted image of Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia doing what Dumbledore had described to create Dudley suddenly entered his mind and he immediately blocked it out. Surely it happened differently for muggles. Probably involving the filling in of a lengthy, notarised form and standing in a long queue.

As they walked back to the Gryffindor common room Harry couldn't help noticing how some of the older students were not only bigger, but spotty and horrible-smelling, and the girls and boys definitely had different lumps and bumps under their robes.

'Penis erectum,' he said despondently and the Fat Lady giggled before opening up. Crossing the common room, Harry thought idly that it was just as well for Neville he'd been there to open the portrait hole, since he couldn't imagine that he would remember a password that meaningless. He threw himself into a chair next to Ron who was contemplating an Every Flavour Bean with a very serious expression. Hermione was sat opposite poring over the contents of what appeared to be a goody bag. Parvati and Lavender walked past whispering animatedly and clutching similar goody bags of their own.

'How was Dumbledore?' Ron asked Harry, chucking the bean towards the fire but missing and pinging his brother Percy on the back of the neck instead. He slouched down in his chair whilst Percy looked around for the perpetrator.

Harry grunted in response.

'How was Snape?', chimed in Hermione.

'A grumpy git as usual,' returned Ron, chewing thoughtfully, 'You know I reckon he never went through any of this malarkey. I bet he was born an old bat.'

Hermione scowled at this conjecture.

'That's not what I meant Ron. But I suppose if he is his usual self he probably hasn't gotten to the stone yet.'

Harry let out a long sigh. He supposed he wasn't half as afraid of sex education as Quirrell was of Snape.