"Shit shit shit shit shit!"
Mutsuki watched as Hajime flew around the Student Council office, frantically picking up scattered papers while he attempted to fix his clothes.
"Mutsuki, did you see where I put my bag?"
"It's by the door, next to mine," Mutsuki said, straightening up. "Hajime, don't worry about the papers, ok? I can finish them, I promise; contrary to popular belief, I am more than competent enough to sort things by date."
Hajime hesitated, looking at Mutsuki and around the room. Normally he would agree, but there were a lot; neither one of them had been paying attention to their surroundings when they had knocked into the shelf where the current year's Student Council documents were kept, and there were dozens, if not hundreds, of pages to pick up, sort, and put away.
And neither one of them had noticed, until Hajime's phone alarm had gone off to remind him that he needed to get to karate class.
Both of them had also forgotten it was Tuesday, the one day a week Hajime still attended karate classes, and that would have made things complicated enough even without the scattered papers. As things stood, Hajime was extremely disheveled, surrounded by an office of chaos, and pretty much guaranteed to be late for karate.
It was not a great moment.
"Just go," Mutsuki repeated, closing the distance between them and rapidly buttoning Hajime's shirt, then smoothing his hair. "I'll take care of this, and if you run then maybe you'll make it without being late. Unless you want to skip?"
Hajime considered that for a split second, then shook his head. "No, Grandpa would only worry. Thanks, Mutsuki," he said, giving Mutsuki a sheepish smile, and Mutsuki grinned as he leaned up and kissed him.
"Just remember this the next time you get grouchy with me, hmm? Now go."
Nodding, Hajime turned and grabbed his bag, then took off. And Mutsuki chuckled as he watched Hajime sprint down the hall, hoping for Hajime's sake that certain overbearing faculty members hadn't lingered after school that day.
As he finished fixing his own clothing, Mutsuki looked around the room with a rueful smile. Normally the two of them were more careful, or at least more aware, but today-
No, not today, Mutsuki mentally corrected himself. Today, yes, but not only today.
Crouching to the floor, Mutsuki started to collect all of the fallen papers, deciding for now just to get everything off of the floor and onto the table before starting to sort anything. This was clearly going to take a while, so he might as well make himself comfortable and figure out a good system.
But even though it was a big task, it was an easy one. Mutsuki didn't have to think too much about what he was doing; Hajime's dedication to order and consistent, almost obsessive labelling meant it should easy to get everything sorted...once he'd turned everything over.
And that meant that he had lots of time to think.
Hajime could deny it all he wanted, but Mutsuki wasn't fooled. Hajime was Stressed, with a capital 'S', although what specifically about, Mutsuki had no idea. Hajime was quick to point out that he'd been carrying the same heavy workload that entire year, and that it was bound to catch up with him once in a while. A little rough patch didn't mean anything.
Except it wasn't just a little rough patch.
Mutsuki had started to notice it that summer, after the rest of the Sohmas had returned from their week at the beach house. Hajime had stayed back at the house in Tokyo, intending to take the week of quiet to focus on studying for his college entrance exams and maybe catch up on some sleep. And he had...allegedly.
But while Hajime had seemed happy to see Mutsuki again, he'd been strangely moody and somewhat withdrawn the first few days after Mutsuki and Kinu got back. Mutsuki's attempts to tease the reasons out of him had been met with resistance that bordered on hostility, and eventually Mutsuki had backed off to give Hajime his space. Hajime had perked up eventually, and he'd apologized...but Mutsuki could tell there was still something bugging him, something he refused to talk about.
Hajime's elevated stress levels had been even more obvious once planning for the Culture Fest had gotten underway in late September, and while the entire Student Council was also rather frazzled, Hajime was at a level all his own. Everything seemed to elicit dramatic reactions from him; even simple things, like the idea of his mom's friend Saki coming to the Culture Fest, had set him off. Those periods of volatility would be followed by low moods...or accompanied by extremely amorous ones.
A part of Mutsuki had admittedly enjoyed it. While the two of them had been together since the previous summer, they had taken things very slowly; several months had passed before they'd done anything more than kiss.
Those innocent days were gone, though, and stressed-out Hajime was a different creature entirely. While it was nice in the moment, outside of the actual moment Mutsuki was starting to question just how healthy any of what was happening actually was. He'd thought things would settle down after the Culture Fest, but if anything they'd gotten worse. When Hajime was dealing with other people, whether at school or anywhere else, he managed, but by himself? Or when it was just him and Mutsuki? Then all bets were off.
Mutsuki didn't know what was going on with Hajime. He had guesses, but every time he'd tried to figure things out, he'd been shut down. Fair enough; Hajime didn't have to talk if he didn't want to.
But by the time Mutsuki had finished sorting the papers much, much later, he knew one thing; he wasn't going to let things go on as they had been, not any more.
"Hajime, may I have a word with you?"
Kazuma's voice was quiet, but Hajime felt the censure as much as heard it. Abandoning his position in the group of karate students currently going through the kata, he followed Kazuma to the edge of the room, stepping into a neutral stance and waiting for the critique he knew was coming.
Kazuma didn't waste any time. "Is everything alright with you today, Hajime?"
Hajime's first instinct was to say yes. Everything was alright, just like everything was always alright. He was fine. Life was fine. There was nothing wrong with him, his stress levels, or literally any else about him, other than the fact that people kept saying he seemed stressed or overworked.
But he knew Kazuma wasn't asking just to ask, and he also knew, to his great embarrassment, that the question was justified. Hajime had made it to class on time by the skin of his teeth, and he'd been out of breath from running all the way from the Student Council room. His breathlessness and near tardiness had attracted Kazuma's attention, but as class was starting, there had been no time for Hajime to do anything but join in.
Things had just gone downhill from there. In spite of the fact he'd been taking karate since he was five and had earned the black belt he wore, he couldn't seem to concentrate today; all he could think about was the mess he'd left back in the Student Council room for Mutsuki, and the way he'd somehow allowed himself to get so preoccupied he'd managed to forget karate, which he'd been attending on Tuesdays after school for nearly three years now.
Not that anyone would have believed those things today, seeing how his movements were sloppy and literally everything was out of step. He had floundered his way through the basic skill drills and made two horrible passes through the kata before Kazuma pulled him out...and it was probably just as well.
Hajime resisted the urge to hang his head. "No, Grandpa, it's not. There's nothing specific," he said quickly, seeing the look of concern suddenly appear on Kazuma's face, "I just...I just can't seem to concentrate today. I'm sorry."
Kazuma looked at him a long moment, then sighed. "Well, while I'm glad there's nothing serious, Hajime, I think it would be best if you bowed out for the rest of class. I'm not comfortable with your awareness, and if you can't focus on something as straightforward as kata, then I can't risk having you spar today."
Hajime flushed. He'd never been pulled from a class before...but he also couldn't argue with Kazuma's reasoning. It would be too easy for Hajime to either hurt someone or hurt himself right now, and either of those things could be devastating.
"I understand, Grandpa, and I'm sorry," Hajime repeated, casting his eyes downward. "I'll do better next time."
"I'm sure you will," Kazuma said, studying Hajime. Then he asked, "Is there anything you'd perhaps like to talk about with me, Hajime? I truly don't mean to pry, but you've seemed preoccupied for some time now. You know you can always talk to me about anything, and it will be completely confidential," he said with a smile.
Hajime tried to return the smile. "Thanks, Grandpa, but it's nothing. There's nothing, just...life," he said, sighing.
"Sometimes even 'life' can benefit from a good discussion."
"I'm good, but thanks. I guess I'm just going to go, then," Hajime said, glancing out at the room full of karate students. "We still on for dinner on Saturday?"
"Of course. And Hajime, if you change your mind-" Kazuma began, as Hajime started for the door.
"I know, Grandpa. And thanks."
By the time Hajime had showered and changed back into his regular clothes, a little more than an hour had passed since he'd left the school. As he walked out of the dojo, he called Mutsuki.
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be kata-ing-or punching someone or sitting still and trying not to move right now?"
"Ha ha, Mutsuki. But yes, I'm supposed to be in karate class right now." He took a breath. "Grandpa kicked me out."
"Kicked you out?" The surprise in Mutsuki's voice was obvious, and Hajime grimaced.
"Yes, and I deserved it. I couldn't stop spacing out, and I was being a liability."
"Couldn't stop thinking about me, hmm?"
Hajime flushed, and a smile crossed his face in spite of himself. "More like the mess I left you to deal with, but close enough. I thought I'd check and see if you could use some help."
There was a silence, and Hajime could imagine Mutsuki's thoughtful expression as he looked around the room.
"No, I don't think so. I've made very good progress, and by the time you've gotten all the way back here, there wouldn't be enough left to justify me explaining my system."
"Wow, you have a system?" Hajime was impressed; usually Mutsuki was more the 'flying by the seat of his pants' type.
"Yes, I do. And it's impossibly brilliant and I know you'd be incredibly impressed, but it would take far too long to explain it just now."
"Well, you'll have to tell me about it when you get home."
"Don't worry, I will, and I'll be expecting you to shower me with praise."
Hajime laughed at that. "If you get everything picked up and put away, you'll have earned it."
"I'm holding you to that."
"See you when you get home, Mutsuki."
"Katsudon would be great for supper tonight, if you're taking suggestions."
"I'll swing by the store on my way home."
As he hung up the phone, Hajime looked up at the sky and smiled; today might not have gone according to plan, but...
As least he could look forward to katsudon with Mutsuki.
Mutsuki made it home not too long after Hajime had started cooking, and he wandered into the kitchen with a bright smile. "Anything I can do to help, Chef Hajime?"
"Yes, you can go get changed and stay out of the way," Hajime told him with a chuckle. "You don't need to be anywhere near anything frying, I like you unburned."
Mutsuki laughed, craning his head around Hajime to look at the two breaded pork cutlets waiting for the oil to get to temperature. "You know, I've heard that frying is supposed to be one of the easiest cooking techniques to learn, since it's so fast! If you let me give it a try, I might surprise you."
"Or you might burn the main portion of our dinner and leave us with eggs and rice."
"I'm never going to get better if you don't let me try once in a while, you know," Mutsuki said reproachfully as he undid his necktie.
"You mean like lunchtime, two days ago?" Hajime said, giving Mutsuki an amused look, and Mutsuki promptly protested.
"That didn't count! You only let me do the rice!"
"Yes, and you burned it. In a rice cooker."
Mutsuki sighed and turned away. "Fine. Since you're so bound and determined to shut me out, I'll just go change. But if you get overwhelmed by the cooking process, you only have but to ask, and I'll assist," he said in a magnanimous tone, and Hajime snorted as he called after him,
"If I get overwhelmed, we're ordering takeout!"
"This is good, Hajime," Mutsuki said approvingly, looking up from his katsudon with a smile. "The guy who suggested we have this really knew what he was talking about, don't you think?"
Hajime chuckled over his own bowl. "He definitely had a good idea, yeah. And he earned any satisfaction he gets from it, too," Hajime continued, grimacing slightly as he thought about the mess in the Student Council room.
"I already told you, that was no problem," Mutsuki said, taking another bite. "I got everything cleaned up, and it looks absolutely beautiful! So beautiful, in fact, that it's a pity I can't share the story with anyone else, because I know they'd never believe I did it, otherwise."
Hajime had seen the picture of the clean room and the neatly restored record shelf, and he had to admit that Mutsuki was right. It did look great, almost surprisingly great.
"Seriously. So does this mean you're going to start keeping your room clean?" Hajime asked him, a teasing smile on his lips. "Or even just your Student Council desk?"
Mutsuki gave him a chuckle. "Let's not get too crazy, Hajime. I only have so much energy to spend cleaning in a year, and I'm pretty sure I used most of it today."
Hajime smiled again, then looked across the table at Kinu's empty place. "Was tonight a night Kinu had a late lecture?"
Mutsuki thought for a moment. "It's Tuesday?"
"Yes," Hajime said, almost painfully aware at this point that it was, in fact, Tuesday.
"Wasn't tomorrow her free day, the one she and Pika were planning?"
"Oh yes, that's right. Guess it's just us here until tomorrow afternoon then," Hajime said, unable to stop the smile that spread across his face at the statement. Considering how busy the house could usually be, with Kinu, their other relatives, friends of Kinu's, and friends of theirs, Hajime could count the number of times this entire school year they'd been alone on one hand.
But to his surprise, Mutsuki didn't return his smile, or really react at all, other than to thoughtfully remark. "Hmm, I guess you're right." Then he did smile, and Hajime's hopes raised as he said "I guess we both know what this means," only to crash to the ground as he continued, "even you won't be able to complain about the noise level for homework tonight."
As the evening progressed, Hajime was increasingly bewildered by Mutsuki's behavior. Considering that they'd been interrupted in the Student Council room by Hajime's alarm, he'd been somewhat hopeful they'd be able to pick something up later. The fact that Kinu was out that night had made him confident they'd pick something up later. But from the way Mutsuki was acting, Hajime could almost have imagined Hajime's own mother was sitting in the living room watching them.
As they'd cleaned up the kitchen and done the dishes together, Mutsuki had been acting like his regular self, talking and teasing. But he'd also held himself almost rigidly upright and away from Hajime, nonchalantly leaning away when Hajime was about to brush against him, and shifting if it looked like their bodies were about to touch in any way.
Things were even more confusing when they went up to do their homework, Mutsuki practically racing up the stairs ahead of Hajime so there was no touching or lingering. And while Mutsuki came into Hajime's room like always, he planted himself slightly further away from Hajime than usual, out of reach of even Hajime's foot.
Hajime tried to push his feelings of rejected confusion out of his mind for the time being. Kinu might not have class the next day, but she was in university; high school was very much in session the next day, and that meant that Hajime needed to do his homework.
If only he could concentrate on it.
He kept glancing over at Mutsuki, telling himself he was trying to figure out why Mutsuki was being so aloof all of a sudden and not just staring at him, thinking thoughts that almost made Hajime himself blush. He definitely wasn't thinking about things he'd infinitely rather be doing here, in his room, with no one else in the house to listen to them.
But Mutsuki seemed cheerfully oblivious to Hajime's thoughts and Hajime's scrutiny, simply humming to himself as he made his way through his homework with periodic lighthearted asides.
After reading the same passage in his Japanese homework for the fifth time without remembering anything, Hajime couldn't take it anymore. "Mutsuki, what is it?"
Mutsuki looked up at Hajime, eyes wide with curiosity. "Hmm?"
Hajime set down his book with a frown. "You. You're acting weird. Why?"
Mutsuki stared at Hajime for a moment, then chuckled, shaking his head. "So...you're asking me what's wrong? You," he emphasized, "are asking me to tell you something?"
When he put it that way, it sounded almost accusatory, even though Mutsuki's expression was playful. And Hajime promptly became defensive.
"Well, yes. You're such a proponent of talking about things, I thought you maybe...wanted to talk." He eyed his boyfriend for a moment, then said nervously, "You'd tell me if I did something, right?"
Mutsuki was looking at Hajime thoughtfully, then he sighed. "We don't have to talk about this right now, Hajime. It can wait until after we're done with our homework."
"You mean this homework?" Hajime held up his Japanese homework, revealing a nearly blank page. "If you want to finish, that's fine, but I'm not going to be able to get anything done until I know what I did to make you pissed at me."
"Who said anything about me being pissed at you?" Mutsuki asked in surprise, pushing himself up to a sitting position.
"Aren't you? You've been staying away from me ever since you got home from school, seems pretty pissed to me."
"I'm not pissed, Hajime," Mutsuki said patiently, looking over at Hajime. "Not exactly. But today, when I was picking up all those papers at the Student Council office, I had time to do some thinking.
Hajime immediately stiffened, and he looked over at Mutsuki warily, taking off his glasses.
Was there ever a time when hearing that one's significant other had been 'thinking' was good?
"Thinking?" Hajime said, unable to keep the nerves from his voice, and Mutsuki nodded.
"We don't have to talk about it right this second, Hajime," Mutsuki repeated, but Hajime was shaking his head.
"No, you can't just leave it there. Homework can wait," Hajime said shortly, setting his glasses on his books and pushing them aside. "This?" he said, gesturing between himself and Mutsuki, "Can't. Now," he said, trying to sound less panicked than he felt, "you were thinking?"
Mutsuki nodded. "I was. About us, and about how things have been. And I decided..." he said, taking a deep breath, "That I don't want to keep doing things this way."
Hajime felt like a knife had gone straight through his heart, like he was fighting to breathe. "You...are you..."
"I don't want to break up," Mutsuki said, and Hajime immediately let out a relieved exhale, "But Hajime...I don't want to this to be the way things are between us, the way we've been."
While it was a relief knowing that Mutsuki didn't want to end their relationship, Hajime was still wary. The way they'd been?
"I don't want to be your dirty little stress ball, Hajime," Mutsuki said quietly, and Hajime promptly turned crimson. "I don't want us to be something shameful and embarrassing, or me to be something you simply use."
Hajime was staring down at the floor, trying not to let the feelings of guilt overwhelm him at Mutsuki's quiet, serious words.
Was that what he'd been doing? Using him?
"I love you, Hajime," Mutsuki said softly, and Hajime's eyes shot back up to his. "And I want to help you deal with your problems. I've always wanted to help you with your problems, even before we were 'us,'" he said, gesturing between them with a little smile. "But I want to help you deal with them, not push them aside or bury them or whatever else it is you've been trying to do for the past few months."
"Months?" Hajime started to protest, but Mutsuki's rejoinder was swift.
"Yes, months. Since this summer, right? That's when whatever it is started, since you started getting into your head?"
Hajime didn't have a response for that, and Mutsuki said, "I've told you, I know you, Hajime, better than almost anyone. That's not conceit," he said, flashing him a grin, "That's fact. And I can tell when things are bugging you, especially when it's something that's been going on for so long. Even when I don't know why."
Hajime was quiet again, and Mutsuki's grin faded, too.
"You know I love it when we do things together," Mutsuki said, a hint of that sparkle flashing in his smile before he got serious again. "But not like this. Not because you're upset and you're trying to burn off frustration or upset or stress. Once in a while? Sure. Constantly? No." Mutsuki shook his head, then said softly, "I deserve better than that."
Hajime was staring at the floor, his face burning. Hearing it spelled out so baldly, he was absolutely disgusted with himself.
When had he become this person, one who treated someone he loved so poorly? Who treated Mutsuki like an object?
No wonder Mutsuki didn't want Hajime to touch him.
Hajime could barely speak, and his eyes remained downcast as they filled with tears. "I'm so sorry, Mutsuki." He felt sick. How could Mutsuki even stand to look at him right now, much less talk to him or be in the same room as him?
What was wrong with him?
Hajime sniffled, then suddenly he felt a cool hand on his cheek and looked up to see Mutsuki had scooted right beside him.
"It's not just on you, Hajime. I always agreed, after all," Mutsuki said with a little laugh. "You're incredibly hard to turn down!"
Hajime knew that was meant to be a compliment, but it just made him feel even worse. Just how much pressure had Mutsuki felt to say yes?'
"But I don't want to do that anymore," Mutsuki repeated. "I want to talk our problems out, Hajime, not fuck them out."
Hearing Mutsuki curse so casually made Hajime laugh in spite of himself, and he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.
"Too crude?" Mutsuki asked, and Hajime laughed again. Then Mutsuki smiled. "I mean it, Hajime. I know you've been telling everyone nothing's bugging you, that you're not stressed, that you're not doing too much, you're not, you're not, you're not. But you are lying," he said sternly, looking squarely into Hajime's eyes. "I'm not going to get into the ethics of lying to your parents or your grandpa or our friends, but I am going to tell you that lying to your boyfriend is immoral and also a really stupid idea," he said, looking so serious that Hajime laughed again.
"You kind of suck at motivational speaking, did you know that, Mutsuki?"
Mutsuki shrugged. "Eh, they can't all be winners. The point is," he said, gently caressing Hajime's cheek, "I know somethings been bothering you, a lot, for a long time. And I want to know what it is, so I can help you deal with it properly."
Hajime was quiet for a very long time, simply sitting with his cheek tilted into Mutsuki's hand. For being so delicate, Mutsuki's hands had always been incredibly strong.
In body, mind, and spirit, Mutsuki had always been the strong one.
