At Hajime's question, Mutsuki's eyes had widened, and he sat up straighter and looked at Hajime. "That's what this is, what's been riling you up all this time? You've been stressing about-"
"-Will you just answer the question, Mutsuki, please?" Hajime cut in, his voice a tightly controlled growl. He didn't want to be talking about this, but if he had no choice, he wanted to be on his terms.
Mutsuki went quiet, then looked at Hajime. "Fine, but...we've talked about this before, you know. It's not like anything's changed."
"Yes, but I still want to hear it," Hajime said quietly.
Mutsuki nodded, then leaned back. "It was just before I started middle school, so I was twelve. Dad had sat me down to give me 'the Talk," he said, laughing as he remembered the incredibly resolute and slightly pained expression on Yuki's face. "We'd gone over the physical stuff before, of course, but since I was going into middle school, Mom and Dad wanted to make sure I knew about things like relationships and safety and the importance of consent, all that good stuff. And Dad wanted me to know to respect if girls said no, but also for me to know that I could say no too, which was pretty nice to hear. He told me," Mutsuki said, a smile playing on his lips, "that it didn't matter if I was a boy, that girls could be predatory, too."
Hajime nodded. This was familiar; he'd heard this story before, and he'd also heard the context, about Uncle Yuki's issues with his Fan Club back when he was in school. It was because of Uncle Yuki that he and Mutsuki had agreed, during Mutsuki's first year of high school when the 'Sohma Fan Club' had appeared, not to tell any of their parents about it. As long as the Sohma fans kept their distance and didn't try to pull and of the things the cringe-worthy 'Prince Yuki Fan Club' had done, Hajime and Mutsuki would just try to ignore them.
"And I told him not to worry," Mutsuki said with a smile, "I wasn't going to pressure or let anyone pressure me, girl or boy."
Hajime chuckled then, imagining how Uncle Yuki likely would have taken that: in stride, as Mutsuki being usual dramatic self.
"So he nodded, and told me that was good, and asked if I had any questions. And after thinking about it for a little bit, I asked him if he and Mom would mind if I started dating. He told me they'd prefer if I waited longer, because middle school is a time of change and blah blah blah," Mutsuki said, waving a hand dismissively, "but that we could cross that bridge when we got to it, and if I did start dating, he hoped I'd be comfortable bringing her home to meet them. And I said 'Or him.'"
Hajime was looking at Mutsuki fondly, affection and admiration both evident in his expression. Mutsuki was so easy and relaxed telling the story, and Hajime didn't doubt that Mutsuki had been easy and relaxed having the initial conversation, either. Mutsuki had always been so confident, so assured; he'd always known who he was, and hadn't been afraid to say it. At a time when Hajime had been fighting to ignore or change his feelings, Mutsuki had owned his, proudly.
"Dad didn't really know what to say at first, but then repeated, 'or him.' Then he told me that whoever I ended up dating, he hoped that I'd give him and Mom the chance to get to meet them and love them, too." Mutsuki smiled, reaching out and taking Hajime's hand. "And I agreed. I haven't done it yet, of course," he said, smiling teasingly, "but I think we can both agree that they're going to love you. Though it's kind of cheating, since they already do."
Hajime smiled, looking down at their hands. "And that was just...it, huh?" It seemed so simple and straightforward; so very easy and obvious. Almost too much so.
Mutsuki nodded. "Yes. Mom rather awkwardly asked me not too long after that if there were any people at school who'd caught my eye," he said, chuckling at the memory of how nonchalantly Machi had tried to stress 'people.' "But that was all. Otherwise...it's just been a non-issue."
"Well...that's good, I guess. I'm glad," Hajime said, and he meant it. He was glad for Mutsuki, and he was glad to know that about Uncle Yuki and Aunt Machi, who he'd always been close to.
But he wished knowing that made things easier for him.
"So, now that we've covered that, I think it's your turn, Hajime," Mutsuki said, his expression and voice gentle. "What's really been eating you?"
Hajime was quiet at first. It was hard not to feel embarrassed, talking about this with Mutsuki; Mutsuki was always so strong and confident, it made Hajime feel ridiculously juvenile and immature to be so afraid. Or worse, like Mutsuki might think he was ashamed of him, which Hajime could never be.
It was just...hard.
But Hajime could admit he owed Mutsuki the truth.
"So, this summer, when you guys were at the beach house?" He began, looking at Mutsuki, who was watching him expectantly. "I got a call from my mom. And it was a weird call," he said, remembering. "She sounded really perky at first, in that fake way she gets when she's upset about something but doesn't want anyone to know. Then she started asking me questions about my workload, and about time management, and asking if I was taking enough breaks-"
"-I bet you loved that," Mutsuki cut in, his eyes dancing, and Hajime rolled his. If he could go one day without someone worrying about his workload...but that wasn't the issue just then.
"And then...she got really weird," Hajime continued. "She asked if I was taking enough time with friends, if I'd met anyone new this year...and then she told me I could tell her anything."
Mutsuki had straightened back up, and he was looking at Hajime intensely. "What?"
Hajime nodded. "She said I could tell her anything, her and Dad both. And said that if there was something important in my life, then she wanted me to know I could tell them. That they'd support me, and be happy for me. And that she loves me, of course," he finished with a little chuckle.
Mutsuki let go of Hajime's hand and steepled his fingers together, looking thoughtfully at Hajime. "That sounds almost like-"
"-Like she knew," Hajime said quietly. "Knew, or at least suspected."
Mutsuki nodded. "So what did you do"
Hajime smiled ruefully. "Freaked out, duh. You weren't here, and it wasn't like I could call you up and talk about it."
"Maybe not, but why didn't you say anything when I got back?" Mutsuki asked, dropping his hands and looking at Hajime in confusion. "We could have talked about it then."
"I panicked, ok? I was panicked about the whole thing, because I didn't get how she could have known! And I still had to go up for the summer festival in just another couple weeks, I didn't want to think about it more than I had to when I was trying to get ahold of myself so I could act normal then."
Mutsuki sighed, rubbing his temples in a rare show of annoyance. "Hajime, it sounds like she was opening the door for you."
"Maybe, and maybe she was talking about something completely different."
"Like what?" Mutsuki asked, his voice and question so reasonable that Hajime couldn't help but feel attacked.
"I don't know, ok? But the whole thing...freaked me out."
Mutsuki's face was thoughtful, thinking about the first times they'd started to get physical at school. Times that had started shortly after summer vacation.
"Was that it, that one phone call?"
Hajime shook his head. "Not just that. Mom's been weird on additional calls since, making a point of telling me how much they love me and I can tell her things. And it's been so freaky..." he frowned, then lifted his head and stared sharply at Mutsuki. "How long has Mom been calling you, Mutsuki?"
After a moment's pause, Mutsuki said "Since the fall term started. Just to say hi, she says, and hear from someone else that you're actually doing ok. Usually she calls at lunch, I'm kind of surprised she called so late today."
At that, Hajime groaned. "Mom is checking up on me?"
"In her defense, you haven't exactly been being honest with her, Hajime." Mutsuki chided, and Hajime gave him a glare.
"That's beside the point, Mutsuki. Why didn't you tell me she was calling you?"
"Because I figured you'd be upset, and I was right, wasn't I? But don't worry, all I ever said was that you were fine and your naturally cheerful self."
Hajime didn't have a response for that, other than to continue glaring at him.
But Mutsuki was trying to make sense of what he was hearing. "So you've been worked up and upset...because your mom has been calling you and telling you you can talk to her?"
"When you say it that way, it sounds dumb," Hajime grumbled, and Mutsuki had to bite back the obvious response.
"I'm just trying to figure this out, Hajime. Isn't this a good thing? If your Mom knows, or suspects, then doesn't that make it easier to talk to them?"
"No, it doesn't!" Hajime exploded. "That's just Mom, not Mom and Dad, and even if Mom suspects, she might not've said anything to him."
The look Mutsuki gave him was almost pitying. "Hajime...your parents tell each other everything."
"Not everything, just most things," Hajime mumbled, and Mutsuki sighed.
"Ok, so even if Uncle Kyo doesn't know, if Aunt Tohru does...that's half the battle, right? So telling them should be easier. They love Uncle Momiji and Uncle Hans, there's no reason to assume-"
"-Did you know Grandpa's never said anything to Dad?"
Hajime's voice was quiet, and Mutsuki stared at him for a moment, uncomprehending. Then his head cocked to the side and he looked at Hajime in surprise. "Really?"
Hajime was looking down again. "Last year...a few months after we got together? When we were talking about maybe telling people at New Year's? I decided to go talk to Grandpa, to ask him...about talking to Dad."
"You never told me," Mutsuki said softly, resting his hand on Hajime's knee.
"Yes, because I wanted to just...figure it out myself. I figured that the only other person who could truly relate was Grandpa, so if I could hear how things went when he talked to Dad, that maybe it would give me a little more confidence myself," he said, smiling wryly.
Considering that Hajime had shut down any further talks of them going public, that clearly hadn't happened. "So when you asked Master Kazuma, he said...he'd never said?"
Hajime nodded. "That's right."
Mutsuki thought about that, then looked at Hajime with a frown. "But Uncle Kyo knows, right?"
Hajime laughed. "Maybe? But I don't think so. Mom and Dad can be kind of oblivious about things, and I don't..." He hesitated, then admitted, "I never knew, either, not until I lived there. And it was still...I might have been wrong."
Mutsuki snorted at that, then softened. "So...what did you say about you?"
"Nothing," Hajime said. "I asked him if he'd ever told Dad he was 'different,' he said he never had, and then I bolted," he admitted, looking down again. "But if he didn't know before, pretty sure he has since."
"Ok..." That was unfortunate, that Hajime hadn't gotten the reassurance he was hoping for, but Mutsuki couldn't see how it was a problem for Hajime himself talking to his parents. Hajime and Kazuma were different people, it stood to reason that they'd have different experiences. "So why does that matter?"
"Why?" Hajime gave Mutsuki a bewildered look. "Don't you see it, Mutsuki? Dad is almost Grandpa's whole world. And Dad loves Grandpa more than anyone, except Mom and us. If Grandpa hasn't told him, there has to be a reason!"
"Sure, but Master Kazuma's reasons aren't yours, Hajime."
"Aren't they? How do you know?"
"How do you know?"
They stared at each other, both with narrowed eyes. Then once again, Mutsuki sighed. "So...Aunt Tohru's been calling you, and that's been freaking you out. But you haven't been willing to talk to me about it, or anyone, and you don't want to talk to her, because your grandpa has, for completely unknown reasons, decided not to talk about his own business with your dad? Am I missing anything?"
Hajime was still glaring at him, but he sighed. "Mutsuki...do you think Uncle Haru and Aunt Rin suspected anything?"
"What?" Once again, Mutsuki was surprised.
"At the Culture Fest, when we first ran into them outside the Student Council office. Maybe it was just me imagining things, but I kept feeling like Uncle Haru was looking at me weird," Hajime said, his face flushing.
"Well, he might have been, I don't know. They seemed normal to me, for them," Mutsuki said after thinking about it. "And to be fair," he said, his expression teasing, "You were a bit flustered."
Hajime's blushed deepened, and Mutsuki continued, his voice thoughtful.
"You know, Hajime, I've kind of wondered. Do you think you've been wanting to fool around at school so much...because you want to get caught?"
"What?" The idea was so ridiculous that Hajime could only stare. "Why would you think that?"
Mutsuki shrugged. "Well, think about it. You say you've been stressed out because of your mom, right? Your mom, and being found out? But at the same time, you've been all over me when we can be alone at school. That never happened before this summer, Hajime, never," Mutsuki reminded him. "Just here, at home. But this fall? Suddenly we're making out in the Student Council room. During the Culture Fest," he stressed. "Those aren't exactly the actions of a person trying to be subtle. Maybe you figure that if we get caught, then you'll have to tell your parents."
"No one was supposed to be up there, the hallway was cordoned off," Hajime began, but Mutsuki gave him a look.
"No one except the rest of the Student Council, the faculty, the staff-"
Hajime didn't have a response for that, and he simply blushed deeper.
Mutsuki decided not to push it any more. The seed had been planted, and that was enough. But he looked at Hajime, and his expression was sympathetic.
"Hajime, please? Just tell me what it is, really. I know you love your itemized lists, but I really need a summary, if you don't mind."
Hajime was glowering again, but he had to admit Mutsuki had a point. This affected him too, after all.
"I'm just...conflicted, Mutsuki. I want people to know, truly. I want to be able to hold your hand, outside of here," he said, reaching out and taking Mutsuki's hand with a smile. "And with us spending so much time together this year at school with Student Council, it's just been so easy to...feel like I could," he said quietly.
Mutsuki was smiling, and he squeezed Hajime's hand back. "But?"
"But," Hajime admitted. "I'm just...scared. Scared of what Mom and Dad will say," he said, looking down. They've talked about the future before, you know," he said with a little smile. "About me and Katsuro and Sachiko getting married and having kids, and how someday if Katsuro and I wanted, our brides could wear Mom's shiromuku-"
"A sweet offer, but I don't think it would look as good on me," Mutsuki teased, and Hajime swatted him.
"Can you just try to be serious?"
"I'm being serious! But you can still see humor while you're being serious, Hajime, the two aren't completely exclusive."
"The point is," Hajime said, glowered at Mutsuki, "That Mom and Dad have certain...expectations for us. And I just worry that telling them that's not going to happen for me...that it's never going to happen for me...that it'll be too much for them," he said quietly. "They had to go through so much to be together, and for me to throw that away-"
"Hey now," Mutsuki protested, sitting up and narrowing his eyes at Hajime. "In the first place, you not doing what they did doesn't take anything away from them. And in the second, who says you'd be throwing anything away? Don't you think that what we have matters?"
"Of course I do," Hajime said immediately, blushing. "Would I be with you if I didn't?"
"I don't know, you're the one being weird about this."
"I'm not being weird!" Hajime protested, then sighed. "But you have to admit, Mutsuki...things would be different for us. We can't get married, we can't have kids..."
"No," Mutsuki admitted, "We can't. But that doesn't mean we matter any less, Hajime, and I can't imagine your parents would see it that way."
"But you don't know that, Mutsuki," Hajime said quietly. "I want to tell them, I really do. I'm tired of hiding," he said, giving Mutsuki a half-smile. "And every time Mom calls and says that, a part of me wants so badly to say something. It's just...what if we're wrong? What if they're upset? What if they can't accept it?"
"If they can't accept it, then they're not the people I've always thought they were," Mutsuki said shortly. "You really think that Aunt Tohru, the woman who accepted that our dads turned into literal animals, would struggle to accept the fact her son is gay? Or that Uncle Kyo would ever think you were anything less than amazing, no matter who you screw?"
Hajime blushed at that once again. "Don't be gross, Mutsuki."
"I'm not being gross, I'm being honest. Though speaking of honest, I doubt you being gay is going to be nearly as surprising for them as the fact you're dating me," he said, giving Hajime an impish look. "Can you picture Uncle Kyo's face when you tell him we're together?"
Hajime's mouth twitched in spite of himself. While he knew his dad loved Mutsuki, Mutsuki could admittedly get on Dad's nerves.
Then again, he got on Hajime's nerves, too, so...
"I have to tell them before we tell anyone else, Mutsuki. I owe it to them," Hajime said softly. "And I'm sorry, ok? Sorry that you're being kept quiet because of me. But I'm just...I'm just not ready yet. And I don't know what will help me," he said quietly, looking down once again.
Mutsuki sighed. While it was nice to know what the problem was, their current impasse was not exactly the most pleasant. As far as Mutsuki was concerned, the answer was simple: Hajime just needed to sit down and tell his parents, and then everything else would fall into place. He believed Hajime when he said that he wanted to go public with their relationship, and that fact was enough to elevate Mutsuki's spirits to almost dizzying heights.
But first, he had to figure out a way to convince Hajime to tell his parents. And Hajime had always been stubborn.
That could wait for another day, though. Smiling, Mutsuki reached out and patted Hajime's cheek. "Well, I'll get to work thinking on that one for you," he said, and Hajime barked out a laugh.
"Yes, you do that." They could both hear the skepticism in Hajime's voice, and Mutsuki laughed himself.
"You laugh, Hajime, but I'm serious. This is an 'us' problem, so clearly that means we need an 'us' solution, which means we both need to think about it. But speaking of things we both need to think about," he said, leaning over and pulling Hajime's homework back over, "You'd better get started on your homework."
Hajime gave him an annoyed look, then sighed and picked up his glasses. "Yes, I should." It was a school day the next day, after all.
"Just try not to take too long, ok?" At Mutsuki's comment, Hajime lifted his head from his Japanese history and gave Mutsuki a questioning glance, then Mutsuki continued, "because while I stand by no longer being your stress ball and I really think we should keep things out of school going forward...we're not in school right now, are we?"
"No one likes a tease, Mutsuki," Hajime said, but he was grinning. And Mutsuki grinned too as he leaned close and whispered,
"Liar."
