Hajime had started walking when Kazuma did, the two of them making their way around to the back side of the dojo complex. He didn't protest any more after Kazuma's rebuttal, simply walked along in silence...and listened.
"Before I start, Hajime," Kazuma said quietly, "I want you to understand that none of what I say is meant to imply I think you have it easy. No matter the person, no matter the circumstances, everyone has their fords they must cross and their obstacles they must navigate. Your struggles are valid, and I'm sure they're every bit as painful to you as mine have been to me," he continued, glancing over at Hajime. "But as I told Mutsuki yesterday, I have my own reasons for everything I've done, and everything I've chosen not to do."
Kazuma took a quiet breath. "As you know, Hajime, my grandfather was the Sohma previously possessed by the Cat Spirit, the last one before your father."
At that beginning, Hajime couldn't help but look at Kazuma in surprise. Out of everything he'd expected Kazuma to say, or everything he'd guessed Kazuma might say, he hadn't expected the Zodiac Curse to be involved in literally any way.
Kazuma continued as though he didn't notice, though. "My grandmother was his companion, the woman in charge of his care. For almost his entire life in confinement, she took care of his physical needs. All of them, by the end," he said, and Hajime found himself blushing as he looked down at the ground.
"My father was the product of that...care," Kazuma continued, "and while I never knew for sure, I got the impression that he had been...unexpected. And life was not easy for him; I doubt it was possible for life to be easy for the bastard child of a servant and the Cat."
Kazuma's voice was calm, but Hajime couldn't help but cringe away from both the words and their truth. Almost three years had passed since Hajime's parents had told him about the Zodiac Curse; about what it had meant for his father's life, what it meant for him within the Sohma family. How he had been looked down on, despised, and abused, treated as and considered to be an inferior being, a monster, by so many people. Including his own biological father.
How much harder had things been for Grandpa's grandpa, that previous Cat, living in a time when things were even more restrictive? Would he have had the support Dad had had, the knowledge there were at least a few people out there who loved him?
Somehow, Hajime doubted it.
And thinking about the verbal abuse Hajime himself had taken for being Kyo's son when then Curse was broken, Kyo was free, and the family head herself had supported his freedom...how much worse did it have to have been for Kazuma's father, growing up in the midst of that toxicity while his father was currently possessed, actively confined, and very much despised?
"I don't know much about my grandmother," Kazuma said quietly. "In all my life, I never met her, although I know she was alive for much of youth. My father rarely, if ever, spoke of her, and never by name or as his mother. He...did not support her choices, with regard to my grandfather." To put it mildly. The few times Kazuma could remember ever hearing his father say anything on the subject of his mother, it had been to disparage her; to comment on how there couldn't be anything more debasing, than to be the concubine of a Beast.
"My father also didn't speak of his childhood, not in specific terms," Kazuma continued. "He was mostly raised by relatives; obviously my grandfather was of no assistance, and my grandmother was preoccupied with her duties as his carer and companion. But I do know that such as it was, it was extremely cold, and extremely harsh. All things considered...I can't say I'm surprised that he became a cold, harsh person himself."
Kazuma smiled quietly to himself. "My mother was another Sohma, Hajime, and if you were to ask me point blank, I can't say whether there was a great deal of affection between them. Sometimes, when I was young, I would hear them fight," he admitted softly, "And I would hear my mother cast my father's parentage back at him like a weapon. As though he had any control over who his parents were...or as if they had any control over who they were, in turn," he said, his voice sad.
"And it always hit my father hard, who he was. Even though he wasn't the Cat himself, even though he looked nothing like the Cat, everyone knew. And I wondered, when I was a child, why we stayed here. Why he chose to live in a place where everyone looked at him as lesser, just because of who his father was. I asked him that, once," he said, "And he asked me what kind of man I thought he was, thinking he'd just run away. He asked me if I thought he was a coward. Then he told me that he might be the son of a Cat, but he was no Cat himself, and he would always stand his ground and prove he was better than that. That we all would, our whole family."
Kazuma sighed. "Looking back...it's all so incredibly sad."
Hajime's eyes were downcast, and slightly teary as he contemplated that life, and that bitterness. Would that have been him, if his father had been confined? His mom loved his dad, deeply; he knew that she had been willing to follow his father into confinement if Kyo had been willing to let her. It was possible.
If Hajime had been born under such circumstances...could that have been him? Sad and resentful, of his very parents as well as the world?
He was grateful he'd never had to find out, for all of their sakes.
"That belief of my father's was shared by my mother, and it was something that drove my family my entire youth," Kazuma said quietly. "That we were 'better' than the Cat," he said, his face taking on a small, sad smile. "We might descend from the Cat, but we were better. Not just than him, but than others, too. My father pushed himself excessively to be 'the best;' the best at his job, the best at making money. The best picture of domestic success. As I'm sure you can imagine, my parents were very image conscious. Our house was always immaculate, and my parents were always proud to show off to my father's work colleagues, and other Sohmas. You might think that the Sohmas would have shunned my parents, but you'd be wrong; if anything, I feel like there were many who took an almost perverse pleasure in wanting to see how 'the Cat's bastard' had turned out," Kazuma said, and Hajime winced once more at the words.
Even if his grandpa was just repeating what other people had said, it was still his own father he was speaking of.
"And naturally, their desire to be the best extended to me, as well," Kazuma said softly. "I was under tremendous pressure from my earliest recollections. I was supposed to be smarter," Kazuma said with a rueful smile, "and stronger. I was expected to excel at everything, to support my parents' assertion that we were better than my grandfather's blood. It was...hard." He said, glancing down himself, and Hajime could feel the tears rising again.
"I wasn't a particularly good student, though I certainly did try. And I'm ashamed to say that I didn't handle...disappointing my parents, or myself, all that well. I developed anger issues, very early on."
That startled Hajime, and his head snapped up and he looked at Kazuma in wide-eyed shock. "You?" Calm, level-headed, patient Grandpa, the most even-tempered person Hajime had ever met, had had anger issues?
Kazuma laughed at Hajime's shock. "Yes, Hajime, even I have things I'm not proud to admit. I was angry," he said, the laughter fading, "for a very long time. That's why my parents eventually decided to enroll me in karate; they hoped it would help me get a better handle on my anger, which embarrassed them deeply, and also hoped that, given my failure to excel in academics, I might still find a way to make them proud. And they were right."
Kazuma inhaled, then gave Hajime a smile. "I hope this doesn't sound too conceited, Hajime, but as it turned out, I had quite a bit of natural skill when it came to karate."
Hajime actually laughed at that, both for the directness of the statement and for the fact that it, finally, was something actually happy. And he didn't think it sounded conceited at all; Grandpa had been the Master of the Sohma Dojo for almost forty years now, having taken it over when he was only twenty-five; when he was younger and obsessed with karate, Hajime had always been in awe of his grandfather's ability. Sensei Matsuda, the master at Dad's dojo up in Hibe and a highly respected dan himself, had always said that Grandpa was one of the most inherently skilled karetekas he'd ever met, so to hear Kazuma say he had 'natural skill...' seemed like a fair assessment.
"Needless to say, my parents and I were all delighted with that development. Finally, there was something I could truly do to demonstrate how worthy I was, how talented our family was. I was pushed into as many classes as could fit in a week," Kazuma said, remembering. "Looking back, I'm extraordinarily lucky I didn't get seriously injured, or burn out. I'd never let a child train that aggressively, myself," he said, his voice briefly hard. "But for me...things worked out."
He was quiet for a moment, thinking back on it, then corrected himself. "Well, things mostly worked out. I still had a chip on my shoulder, Hajime, a rather substantial one. The stigma attached to my family followed me everywhere within the Sohma family, as I'm sure you can imagine, and that included the dojo. I found friends there, but there were also those who always wanted to 'put me in my place,'" he said, taking on that bitter smile again. "I'm not proud to say that to counter that, I was determined to put everyone else in their places, instead."
Kazuma sighed once more. "I was a bully, Hajime. I was young, strong, and impossibly arrogant. Determined to prove myself, determined to show that I was worth more, that my family was worth more. To live up to my family's expectations of me. And my parents...were proud of me," he said, his voice once again sad. "They saw my tournament wins and my rapid rise through the ranks, and they were proud of that. It didn't matter to them what I had done to get there, what kind of person I was becoming in the process. All that mattered, all that had ever mattered, was image. How I, and therefore how they, were perceived."
Both of them were silent for a little while as Hajime digested that information, trying and utterly failing to reconcile his kind, loving grandpa with the person Kazuma was describing. Even hearing the words from Kazuma's very own lips...it all felt impossible.
"Then when I was seventeen, my mother died of an illness," Kazuma said, and Hajime swallowed at the realization that his grandpa had been Hajime's own age when his mother had died. Regardless of what their relationship had been, it was still his mother, and Hajime couldn't even imagine it. "Though I'm still not entirely sure how much they cared for each other, theirs had been a partnership, and her death hit my father hard. He threw himself even more furiously into his work, and looked to me even more intensely to excel. Though I rarely saw him, he kept tabs on me; my grades, my karate practice...my social life," he said with a slight smile. "Every part of my life was monitored and reported back to him, to ensure that I wasn't doing anything to bring him shame."
How incredibly lonely it had been.
"It was too much for him, in the end. The immense pressure he put on himself," Kazuma said. "Just before I turned nineteen, he collapsed at work, and he never woke up."
Before Kazuma had even been a legal adult...he had been on his own.
"I was lost," Kazuma admitted. "While I can't say and never could say we were close...he was still my father, and he had played a prominent role in my life. When he died, I wasn't long out of high school, midway through my first year of university."
That earned another startled glance from Hajime, and it provoked another laugh from Kazuma.
"What, is me at a university so hard to believe, Hajime?"
Hajime once again blushed. "Well, you've always been at the dojo, it just never would have seemed like something you'd do!"
Kazuma chuckled again, then softened. "Well, you're not wrong. It was my father's idea, not mine; as I said, I was never the academic type. But while my father approved of my karate practice, he wanted me to have a 'respectable career' one day as well. The picture-perfect family image, a salaryman with a wife and children who would be expected to excel in turn."
He sighed as they rounded the corner of the dojo complex. "After my father died, I was adrift. He had dictated so many aspects of my life for so long that with him gone, at first I didn't know what to do. The only thing that brought me any sort of happiness and clarity was karate, so..." he shrugged. "I threw myself into it. I stopped going to my university classes, and started spending all of my time at the dojo. As my parents' only child I had inherited everything, so I didn't have to worry about supporting myself in those early months. And I didn't."
Kazuma closed his eyes, remembering those dark, turbulent times. How long ago they had been, yet he could remember them like they were yesterday.
"Then one day, Master Koji, the Master here before me, approached me at the dojo. He knew about my father, obviously, and about what had happened. He'd been watching me, and seen how I'd been struggling. And he offered me a job," Kazuma said, smiling. "But on one condition: I had to take real, tangible steps to work on my anger."
Hajime couldn't help himself, and he blurted out "You were still angry, even then?"
"Especially then," Kazuma said with a sigh. "Angry and resentful, and desperately alone. I'd lived my entire life trying to fit into the mold my father had made for me, and with him gone, I suddenly didn't have that mold any more and had no experience living without it. I was afraid, Hajime, and fear with no safe outlet can all too easily become anger."
Hajime was quiet, thinking about the wisdom of that statement, and Kazuma continued.
"I was both excited and extremely irritated. Master Koji was right, of course, but it was hard to accept. I had an ego, after all," Kazuma admitted with a smile. "Still, I agreed, because to make a living working in the dojo...it was honestly my dream," he said, "Even if it wasn't what my father had wanted for me."
"How did you do it?" Hajime asked, looking at him curiously. "Learn to control your anger?"
"Meditation," Kazuma said simply. "Master Koji was a big proponent, and though I admittedly thought it was foolish at first," he said with a little laugh, "I was determined to show him that I could do what was asked of me. I wasn't a Cat, after all," he said, his mouth twisting once more into that bitter smile. "And to my surprise...it actually helped me. It took time," he admitted. "A few years, in fact. But gradually, with patience and practice, I was able to get my anger under control. To get my competitiveness under control," he said ruefully. "And, finally...to get my shame under control."
Once again Kazuma went silent, then he smiled. "But in the end...I was a person I could actually be proud of. Perhaps I won a little less often, or a little less decisively. But I was no longer that bully, determined to win at all costs. I learned, and appreciated, the value of quieter, simpler things. Of the beauty of kata, for kata's own sake. Of the peace that came from simply sitting and observing. I became a better teacher, an overall sounder karateka, and a better man. And to my surprise, people responded to that."
Kazuma's expression was thoughtful as he continued, "I'm not sure if it was because enough time had passed, because my father had died, or simply because many of our problems had been in our own minds. But by my early twenties...I was no longer under the microscope I'd always lived beneath. My parents and grandparents were gone, and who they had been no longer seemed to matter. I was doing what I loved, and while I did excel at it," he said with a chuckle, "it didn't matter, not really. My tournament wins were for myself and the dojo, not my family. It was a simple, easy life; one very late in coming, but one I loved. And then, when I was twenty-five," he said, his voice becoming sad, "Master Koji died, incredibly unexpectedly."
Hajime knew this part. Kazuma had been extraordinarily young when he'd taken over the dojo; and while he'd almost reached his sixth-degree black belt by then, it was still incredibly uncommon for someone his age to be in such a position.
"Frankly, Hajime, I was shocked when I was asked to take over for Master Koji. I may have been working for the dojo for nearly six years by then, but it still seemed completely unprecedented for them to ask me at my age. However, Master Koji had no heirs, and the dojo was the Sohma family's to bestow; my performance at the dojo, both as a student and later as an instructor, had clearly attracted the right attention. And obviously, I ended up accepting it."
He exhaled. "It was quite the learning curve, I can tell you that. As it turned out, teaching was nothing compared to actually running the entire dojo; I won't bore you with the details, but I was pathetically grateful for the business manager the Sohmas hired for me that first year while I figured out how to properly read a ledger," Kazuma said with a chuckle. "It was obviously very important to the family that the dojo maintain its reputation, so that was my biggest priority, especially at first: to ensure the transition from Master Koji to myself was as smooth as possible, and standards never dropped. It was hard, but I seemed to manage. We didn't lose any students, and managed to attract even more. It helped, that I'd always had a good rapport with the students."
Hajime could believe that; while he obviously knew a fair amount of karate teachers, it wasn't bias that made him say Kazuma was one of the best.
"Two years after I took over the dojo, I took in your father," Kazuma said, chuckling once more. "People thought I was out of my mind, which, in some ways, they were certainly right about. It wasn't the easiest, managing a five-year-old on top of the dojo. There was a lot of juggling that had to happen, and I know there were people who were upset with me. But it was the right thing to do, and I never regretted it," Kazuma said, smiling down at Hajime. "From that point on, the two of them were my priorities: Kyo, and the dojo. And I did my best to live up to both of them."
Kazuma went silent after that, and he was silent for a very long time. Then, finally, he looked back at Hajime.
"I imagine you're wondering where I was going with all of this."
Hajime laughed almost in spite of himself; while Kazuma had a point to an extent, Hajime hadn't wondered, not really. Kazuma had never been one to talk without purpose.
Kazuma was quiet again, then he smiled; a sad, slightly resigned smile.
"For so long, Hajime, my life was dictated by appearances. I knew, very early on, what was expected of me...and what was not. I knew the consequences, if I were to turn my back on those expectations."
He exhaled again, then continued. "When I began to realize...that I was different, words didn't even begin to describe how I felt. My shame and disgust with myself were unimaginable."
"Maybe, or maybe not," Hajime said quietly, and Kazuma gave him that same sad smile.
"Perhaps not," Kazuma agreed. "But to me, at the time...it was as though the universe was playing a cruel joke on me. I needed, so badly, to do things correctly; to live up to my parents' standards, to prove myself beyond any hint of reproach. And there I was, attracted to men, knowing that if literally anyone around me found out, it would mean the end of my life as I knew it. Possibly even my life, back then," he said, his voice quiet.
Then he looked back at Hajime. "My parents never would have accepted me, Hajime. My friends never would have accepted me, either, nor would the Sohmas. I would have been ejected from the dojo, ejected from my home. Likely beaten to within an inch of my life, or further. I had no choice," he said sadly. "Admitting the truth was never an option."
Hajime could understand that, and it made his heart break for his grandfather. Things were definitely not easy for Hajime, but compared to what Kazuma had gone through, Hajime's world was both safer and kinder. He, at least, had a choice.
So far, everything Kazuma had said had made sense. That accounted for Kazuma's youth, but what about later?
"Why didn't you say anything later, Grandpa? Why have you kept it a secret, all this time?"
Kazuma studied Hajime's face, his concerned confusion. This was so like Hajime, trying to learn all the information. Trying to figure everything out that he could.
"Well, for a long time, Hajime...it simply didn't matter. I was hardly looking to meet anyone; if anything, I spent years trying to convince myself I wasn't attracted to anyone, man or woman. And I was busy, incredibly so. First working at the dojo, then running the dojo, then running the dojo and managing Kyo..." Kazuma chuckled. "Honestly, it was just as well there was no one then. I was moving at full speed trying to make time for what I had; there was no room in my life for anyone else, and if I had had someone, they would inevitably have been neglected. The dojo was obviously a large commitment, and as for your father..."
Kazuma's jaw hardened. "From the moment he walked into this dojo, Hajime, Kyo's health, happiness, and safety became my life. I would have died for him, happily, if I'd thought it could save him. And I meant to fight for him, when the time came. There was no way I'd ever consider bringing anyone else into that; it had always been my fight. My way to atone...for everything."
Hajime swallowed. Even though he'd heard this part before, it was still hard to hear; hard to think about how close his father had come to that cold, terrifying existence.
What would have happened, if Kazuma had tried to fight? Would he have prevailed?
Or would Kyo have been locked away anyway?
Hajime didn't want to think about that anymore. "But what about after, Grandpa? After the Curse broke, after Dad moved out..."
Kazuma smiled once more, than small, wry smile. "Well...I did make an effort, in the immediate aftermath of Tohru and Kyo's move to Hibe. I went on a couple of dates-"
"-Really?" Hajime was shocked. From totally in the closet to dating?
"Yes, albeit with women."
Hajime was confused again, and Kazuma smiled at his grandson's naivete. "I was still in denial, Hajime," he said gently. "For fourteen years, ever since I'd taken over the dojo, I had been so busy that there had been no time to even think about having a relationship. Then when the Curse broke and Kyo was free, I suddenly no longer had to worry about him," Kazuma continued, his smile becoming big and broad. "It was...a wonderful feeling."
"But I also realized," he continued, "That I was, in fact, lonely...and I tried to convince myself that whatever it was I'd once felt was gone."
Hajime could relate to that, almost painfully so.
"You see, Hajime, even if I was older, and even if my parents were gone and no longer controlled me...I still wasn't free, not really. I love this world," Kazuma said, gesturing around at the dojo. "Karate, and everything that goes with it. Since my earliest days in the dojo, I knew I wanted to do this, in some capacity, for the rest of my life. But this life, Hajime...it's not, and I doubt it ever will be, accepting of men like us. If my...interests were known, I can guarantee that I would lose many of my students, and likely be dropped by many of my professional acquaintances and friends. I doubt I'd be able to keep the dojo open, or possibly even find work as an instructor. In this very physical world, there isn't room for men...who love men," Kazuma said softly, then chuckled. "Or so I thought."
Hajime was quiet, thinking about it. As much as he hated to admit it...he could see that Kazuma had a point.
"What happened, Grandpa? When did you...stop fighting it?" Hajime asked, then blushed, realizing he was maybe getting a bit too personal. "If you don't mind saying."
Kazuma chuckled. "No, Hajime, it's alright. I don't mind telling you."
Telling anyone, for the first time in his life.
"As I said, I tried going on a few dates, with women, after Kyo's Curse broke and he'd moved away. And I felt nothing, which was disappointing. I can't say I acquitted myself well, either," he said with a laugh; "I was so nervous that I essentially talked about Kyo the entire time, and what first date ever wants to listen to someone prattle on about their child?"
Hajime was grinning at that; Kazuma and Kyo had always been open in their affection for each other, just like Kyo had always been open in his affection for Hajime and his siblings in turn. Hajime had seen enough other families to know not to take that for granted, and he cherished the fact that Kazuma had been willing to start that pattern of honest affection.
That, at least, he'd been able to express.
"So, after my...third date? Fourth? Something like that," Kazuma said, after a minute, "I gave up. I felt nothing for any of those women, or any other women, either; clearly, the universe was telling me I was meant to be alone. I still had many good things in my life, after all; I had the dojo, I had your parents, I had my work. I didn't need anything more."
Kazuma was staring out into the darkness of the dojo, thinking back to those days with a rueful smile. He'd been past forty...and still feeling and acting like an insecure teen.
"I didn't realize that what I'd been wanting had been under my nose the entire time."
