It had come on so gradually that Kazuma hadn't even realized it was happening. He had known Kunimitsu since he was fifteen, since he'd started at the dojo barely months after Kazuma had taken over as the master. Back then, Kunimitsu was simply another talented student, and Kazuma had been happy to have him join the dojo when Kunimitsu's family had moved to the area. Another new dan, more new blood to prove to the Sohmas that they'd been right to choose Kazuma to lead the dojo going forward.
He'd been very glad to have Kunimitsu, and all of the dans, two years later when he took in Kyo. The extra commitment meant that Kazuma had to let certainly things go in the dojo, and unfortunately, that had meant cutting back on teaching. Kunimitsu and his fellow black belts had stepped up to take on the classes Kazuma couldn't, and Kazuma had appreciated their efforts deeply. By that point he no longer had the Sohma's business manager; most of his time in the dojo was spent dealing with the managerial side of things, rather than the karate side of things, and he had no budget to hire any actual staff.
And he was also admittedly a bit stubborn. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to think he couldn't handle the dojo, or Kyo either. He would prove wrong all the doubters, and show them he could do it, and that Kyo was no burden.
A little over a year later, Kunimitsu had graduated high school and gotten a job in an office. The demanding work schedule had meant Kunimitsu had to pull back from the dojo, and Kazuma was disappointed; Kunimitsu had always been talented, and always been dedicated. But Kazuma could acknowledge that a job had to come before a hobby, especially one as involved as karate.
Four years after that, Kunimitsu had come to Kazuma to tell him that he needed to withdraw from the dojo completely. Kazuma had been shocked, but Kunimitsu had explained that he just couldn't handle both anymore; even though he hadn't been running class for a few years, and even though he only made it to the dojo once a week, that was still too much with his grueling work schedule and commute. He'd been trying to find a better job, but he couldn't, and since he couldn't, that meant he needed to work with what he had.
Kazuma had seen the pain in Kunimitsu's eyes, and he had related to it completely. How would he have felt, if he'd had to give up karate? Who could say; if it hadn't been for Master Koji, back when Kazuma was nineteen and flailing, then it might have been Kazuma forced to choose between karate and being able to support himself.
He hadn't been able to let Kunimitsu go like that. He saw too much of himself in the younger man, too much promise and too much drive. Instead, he'd asked Kunimitsu if he really wanted to go. And Kunimitsu had told him no; if it wasn't for his job, he wanted to stay...forever.
Was that the first time he felt it? Sitting there in his office, looking at that earnest young man, sitting there and telling him he didn't want to leave? Kazuma couldn't say. It was possible, but he was also deeply preoccupied with other things; Kyo was only ten, then, and Kazuma was as focused as ever on Kyo and his future.
But Kazuma had created a job for Kunimitsu, that of Kazuma's assistant. He was running everything by himself at that point, still more out of pride than anything; giving Kunimitsu a job would help him too, and both of them would win. Kunimitsu took over most of the day-to-day business of the dojo, handling things like scheduling, collecting payments and coordinating maintenance; Kazuma remained in charge of everything pertaining to upper dojo management and dealing with the Sohma family. It was also decided that Kunimitsu would be in charge of the dojo's live-in students, and as part of his compensation he would have a room in the boarders' section of the dojo, along with board.
Kunimitsu had been twenty-two, and Kazuma thirty-two. It had taken some time for Kazuma to get used to delegating, but eventually he had, and once he did, he wondered how he'd ever managed without Kunimitsu. Life was much less stressful when he didn't have to do everything himself; he had more time to practice himself, and more time to spend with Kyo. Eventually, after Kunimitsu had been working at the dojo for a while and knew all the ropes, Kazuma was even able to start taking training trips again, knowing that the dojo and Kyo would both be left in excellent hands.
When had it started, really, that he'd truly begun to see Kunimitsu in another light? Not just as his assistant, not just as his friend, but something more?
Kunimitsu had lived in the dojo for over five years by the time Kyo started high school, out in his room in the boarding section of the dojo, and he had always shared most of his meals with the boarders. But after Kyo moved to Shigure's house and Kazuma returned from his training sabbatical, Kunimitsu had started to periodically stay later after the work day in Kazuma's house and they would have dinner together. Kunimitsu had always been the cook; he'd even taught Kyo to cook, after swearing that Kazuma would only teach Kyo to start fires.
He might have had a point.
Kazuma always enjoyed their dinners, and the chance to talk to Kunimitsu about things other than work. The two of them had always gotten along well; Kunimitsu's sense of humor had always been a nice contrast to Kazuma's seriousness. And Kazuma could talk to Kunimitsu about Kyo; although Kunimitsu didn't know about the Curse, he'd been around in some capacity since Kyo was five, and he was one of the very few people Kazuma could talk to about his son who was actually proud of him, too.
Those meals had continued through the next year, as Kazuma had fought to stay cheerful in the face of Kyo's rapidly approaching confinement. And though Kunimitsu didn't, and couldn't, know why Kazuma was down, he'd noticed, and done his best to try and boost his morale.
It had been nice, that concern.
When the Curse had broken, it had been as though the weight of a thousand lifetimes had been lifted off of Kazuma's shoulders, and Kunimitsu had been the first to notice and remark on it. And Kazuma had laughed, telling him that had been worrying about something for a very long time...but it was all over now.
Those months between the breaking of the Curse and Kyo's graduation still counted among the happiest of Kazuma's life. He'd seen Kyo happy and free, everything he'd ever wanted for his son. He got to watch as Tohru and Kyo grew closer, the love they'd always shared becoming stronger, prouder, and more confident. He got to watch Kyo throw himself into to preparing for his future, a life he could finally live. Kazuma got to help him do it.
And the day Tohru and Kyo boarded the train for Hibe and their new life, Kazuma had felt immensely happy for Kyo. He would miss him deeply, but seeing him, smiling and confident, boarding the train with Tohru at his side...it was the best gift he could have asked for.
Especially when, just before boarding, Kyo smiled at him and called him 'Dad.'
After Kyo moved, though, Kazuma finally admitted to himself that something was missing. He'd spent thirteen years with Kyo as his greatest priority; now, Kyo was off on his own, and he didn't need Kazuma to take care of him anymore. Kazuma was free to prioritize himself...if only he knew what that looked like.
He'd been so stubbornly optimistic, taking those women out on dates. It had seemed like such a good idea, but the reality had been almost painfully depressing. Each time, he'd come home, and he'd end up discussing his failures at his next dinner with Kunimitsu, who would laugh and try to give Kazuma advice, like 'don't talk so much about Kyo.'
After Kazuma's last date, Kunimitsu had started yet again to give him some pointers, but Kazuma had politely but firmly shut him down. "It's alright, Kunimitsu; I think at this time, it's time to simply accept my failings and admit that dating isn't for me."
And Kunimitsu had chuckled. "Well, it seems a little early to throw in the towel to me, Kazuma, but at least you'll still have me, right?"
Had that been it, the moment when Kazuma finally started to admit it to himself? When he started to look at Kunimitsu, and wonder?
Wonder, and hope?
Things continued along as they'd been. They worked together, trained together, and periodically would eat dinners together. Kunimitsu would watch the dojo when Kazuma would feel the itch to travel, always chiding Kazuma when he'd return that he'd better remember to have brought Kunimitsu a souvenir. And Kazuma usually had, even if it was something completely ridiculous like a rock.
"You said you wanted a souvenir, you never said it had to be a good souvenir."
Kunimitsu had shaken his head at Kazuma and looked at that rock in amusement. "I see how it is. You decide to take a trip to Osaka less than an hour before getting on the train, I make sure the dojo doesn't burn down in your absence, and you bring me a rock?"
"It's a very handsome rock," Kazuma pointed out. "And see how nicely it fits in your hand? I think as far as rocks go, it's a good one."
Kunimitsu had smiled, and rubbed his thumb along the top of the rock. "Yeah...I guess you're right.
Kyo and Tohru had gotten engaged a year after graduation, and Kazuma had been ecstatic for them. His greatest wish had been for Kyo to be freed from the Curse; once that was granted, Kazuma had let his wishes run rampant, but his next wish had been to see the two of them get married. Kyo had proposed when they were in Tokyo, and it had been Kazuma who they told before anyone else; seeing the looks of unbridled joy on both of their faces had made him feel he could die happy in that moment.
Days later, when Tohru and Kyo were once more back home in Hibe and Kazuma and Kunimitsu were having one of their dinners, that engagement was still on Kazuma's mind, and Kunimitsu had been grinning as he listened to Kazuma wax poetic about how happy he was and how much he was looking forward to their wedding. Kunimitsu had laughed about that.
"I never knew you were such a romantic, Kazuma!"
Kazuma had smiled. "I have many hidden depths, Kunimitsu."
"Clearly," Kunimitsu said with another chuckle, then he had looked at Kazuma thoughtfully. "You ever think about that for yourself these days? Romance?"
Kazuma had raised his brows, then smiled as he shook his head. "Not anymore, no."
"Hey, you're still plenty young; you shouldn't write yourself off because of a few bad dates almost a year ago."
Kazuma had laughed at that. "While it's nice to know you don't think I'm in my dotage just yet, I think that it's time to accept that such things aren't in the cards for me, Kunimitsu."
Kunimitsu had given him a look of such concern that it was touching. "You shouldn't say things like that, Kazuma, not unless that's what you actually want. You're a great guy, and a great catch. Any...girl would be happy to be with you."
It had been a small, almost insignificant pause. Barely a hitch. But in that hitch...Kazuma had wondered if he heard something.
But he'd just smiled. "You're very kind, Kunimitsu, and I thank you for that. But I feel confident in saying, at this point, that the woman for me simply doesn't exist."
Kazuma had felt like he was going crazy after that day. It was like a cork had been pulled out of him, and thoughts and feelings he'd been suppressing for years suddenly came tumbling out, threatening to consume and overwhelm him.
It was wrong; it was wrong. He had no right to think those things, or to feel those things. It was deluded of him to assume, hope, or even wish. He owed Kunimitsu better.
But somehow, he suddenly couldn't help getting in Kunimitsu's space. When they'd be moving rapidly through the halls of the dojo, discussing classes and student progress, Kazuma would sometimes find Kunimitsu's shoulder bumping against his. When they were cleaning up together after dinner, occasionally their hands would touch.
As much as he felt he had to be imagining it...he almost swore it wasn't him who instigated.
Had Kunimitsu always leaned so close when he was giving Kazuma papers to review? Had he always stood so close when he was waiting for Kazuma to sign things?
Had he always so consistently rested his hand on Kazuma's shoulder when he was setting down Kazuma's dinner?
Kazuma couldn't remember...and he wasn't sure he wanted to, either.
"I'm so very sorry, I know there's no excuse, but please, please try to forgive me!"
Kazuma hadn't meant for things to go that way. He hadn't meant for any of that day to go that way; not for Tohru to twist him into taking her to visit Kyo's biological father, not for her to be hurt. Not for Kyo to be hurt in turn, and for Kazuma to have to witness and share in all of it.
He hadn't seen any way out. Tohru was adamant to meet Kyo's birth father, and Kyo himself was back in Hibe; there was nothing Kazuma could do to stop her, so all he could do was go with her, and protect her.
He wished he hadn't needed to protect her.
She'd been so proud and defiant, standing there in the face of Katashi Sohma's anger and abuse, and Kazuma had loved her for her fierce defense of Kyo and himself. But she shouldn't have had to, and after the two of them left Katashi's house, he could see her start to crumble and had hated himself for the role he'd played in letting it happen.
Kyo had been angrier with Kazuma than he ever had before, and Kazuma had to agree it was justified; he was angry with himself, too.
Later that night, after Tohru had left the dojo for the evening, Kazuma had let loose all of that hatred and anger. Anger with Katashi, anger with himself. The pent-up frustrations from years of dealing with that miserable, hateful man and his miserable, hateful behavior, of knowing Katashi had had Kyo and continued to throw him away.
Kunimitsu had sat and listened, his face sympathetic. He didn't know about the Curse, and he never had. But he knew that Kyo's father had given him up, and he'd talked to him too many times to have even the tiniest amounts of charity for him. He'd encouraged Kazuma to let everything out, listening to the rare sound of Kazuma not only angry, but furious, and very loud to boot.
It had felt good, letting that anger out.
But once the anger was gone, Kazuma found to his great mortification that he was crying. Tears themselves were well and good, and he'd always accepted them as a valid expression of emotion. But to be reduced to hot, blinding tears of anger and frustration...that was something else entirely.
It wasn't fair, any of it. Not fair Kyo had had to deal with that hatred growing up, not fair he still had to deal with it now. Not fair Tohru had to feel that pain, both on Kyo's behalf as well as her own. None of it was fair...
He'd been startled to feel Kunimitsu's arms wrap around him, but only for a moment. He was too worked up to care, too worked up to feel he was too close. In that moment, he craved the comfort of human contact, and in Kunimitsu's arms he found it, wrapping his own around Kunimitsu and burying his face in Kunimitsu's shoulder as if he were a child as he cried.
And if that had been all it had been, it might have been ok. But in a moment of weakness, as Kazuma calmed down, he had turned his face away from Kunimitsu's shoulder and into the curve of his neck, and as he'd touched skin he'd felt Kunimitsu's body go rigid.
Horrified, Kazuma had let go, rapidly throwing out the apology that he knew could never be sufficient before bolting from the room, and the house. Out on the gazebo in the far corner of the grounds, Kazuma had cursed himself soundly, damning himself for the weakness that had likely just cost him his valued coworker and closest friend.
Kunimitsu had found him there soon after, and Kazuma had tried to explain without explaining, knowing that it was impossible but knowing he had to try. If he could just convince Kunimitsu there was nothing in it, that it had been a simple emotional response, that he definitely had not just nuzzled him with any sort of intention...
But that hadn't been what Kunimitsu wanted him to say, or why he'd followed him out there. He hadn't wanted Kazuma to apologize, he didn't need him to explain. Instead, he'd stood there, admittedly awkward and apologized himself. He'd been startled...but it was ok.
Everything was going to be ok.
"Kazuma...you once said...that you didn't think the woman for you existed..."
Kazuma had never thought life could be this happy. He had accepted, once, that he would always be limited somehow in life; at one point, he'd thought he'd never work a career he liked, then when he was older, he faced the far more horrible prospect of imagining his son locked up. Those fears had fallen by the wayside, but he had never imagined it was possible for him to have more, himself.
That it was possible for him to have love.
Yet somehow, incredibly, that's what he'd found, right there in the dojo. Kunimitsu loved him...and he loved Kunimitsu back.
Publicly nothing changed. Both of them knew the stakes, for them professionally as well as the dojo itself. Kunimitsu kept living where he was, out in the boarding section of the dojo, eating most of his meals with the boarders. Kazuma would still go on his little trips, and Kunimitsu would manage the dojo in his absence. They had the same responsibilities they'd always had, and mostly kept to the same routines.
But the number of nights they had dinner together increased and many of those nights...most of those nights...Kunimitsu's futon out in the dojo would be untouched.
A little over three years into their relationship, Kazuma decided to close the dojo to boarding students. Their numbers had been dwindling for some time, and when their only current boarder thanked Kazuma and told them he was moving on, Kazuma felt it was time to make a change. The dojo had always strongly relied on day students, and their numbers were stronger than ever; financially and numerically, the dojo was in an excellent position. They didn't need the boarders, and not having them any more would allow the dojo to streamline a few areas of operation.
It also meant there was no reason for Kunimitsu to live out in the dojo proper anymore.
Him moving into the house had been a milestone; even though he had his own room, at the opposite end of the hall from Kazuma's, it was still significant. Once again, nothing had changed publicly, but now they could eat together, talk together, and simply be together, every single night. And so they had gone on, days passing into weeks passing into months and then years.
Fifteen years had gone by since Kunimitsu had moved into the house, and things hadn't changed in almost any way. They still worked together to run the dojo, Kunimitsu handing most of the minutiae and Kazuma handling the higher-level tasks and dealing with the Sohmas. They both taught. Kunimitsu always managed the dojo when Kazuma went anywhere, and Kazuma would still bring Kunimitsu random souvenirs.
Kunimitsu still had that rock, which sat on a shelf in Kunimitsu's room in the dojo.
It was unconventional, but it worked for them. Unlike many couples, neither one of them minded that they couldn't travel together. Kazuma was a wanderer, while Kunimitsu was a homebody; he was content to stay at the dojo, and hear later what Kazuma had gotten up to while he was gone. The only place Kunimitsu would have liked to visit more was Tohru and Kyo's place, but he still made it up there from time to time, and they were always happy to see him.
In general...things were good.
"I can understand why you aren't...public, Grandpa, you and Kunimitsu," Hajime finally said as he and Kazuma made their way yet again around the perimeter of the dojo grounds. "It sucks...but I understand."
Kazuma had to chuckle at Hajime's phrasing. "Thank you, Hajime, and I have to agree; the reasons do indeed 'suck,'" he said with a sigh.
"But that's just 'public,'" Hajime continued with an anxiously perplexed look. "If you're so sure that Dad will be ok with it, why haven't you told him? You could have told Mom and Dad, and no one else would've been any the wiser...except me," he said, giving Kazuma a half-smile.
Kazuma laughed and gave Hajime an affectionate look. "Yes, I have to say that attempting to hide a relationship with you living in the house for a whole year was something of a challenge. And I hope it was nothing..." he hesitated, and Hajime promptly blushed, guessing what Kazuma was hinting at and not wanting to let him finish that thought.
"There was nothing obvious, Grandpa, don't worry about it. It was just...little things, I guess. Stuff like how you'd act together in the evenings, just sitting near each other. How you'd look at each other sometimes, probably when you forgot I was there. The way Kunimitsu always knew when you'd need extra-strong tea just by looking at you."
Kazuma laughed again. "Yes, well, you've always been an observant one, Hajime."
Hajime smiled, too, but then repeated his question. "So why not Dad? If you're so sure, then why haven't you told him and Mom?"
Kazuma was quiet for a moment, then he sighed. "To be honest, I never quite saw the point."
That wasn't an answer Hajime was expecting, and his face was written over with confusion as he looked up at Kazuma. "What?"
Once again, Kazuma had to resist the urge to chuckle, Hajime looked so bewildered. But he couldn't laugh at this.
"My life, Hajime...is very satisfying, exactly as it is. Kunimitsu and I are happy together, with each other, and also with the way we do things. We've never been particularly demonstrative, or felt that we were being any less ourselves when your parents were around, so it's just...never seemed like something that needed saying. Kyo and Tohru know I care for Kunimitsu, they care for him too, he cares for them...there has never been a real need to make things any more explicit."
Hajime was looking at Kazuma with a frown. "But Kunimitsu always sleeps in his room when they visit-"
"Not that it's any of your business, but he often sleeps in his room anyway."
"You guys don't hug or kiss each other when they're around-"
"As I said, not everyone is demonstrative in all situations, Hajime."
"What if there was some kind of emergency?"
"I'm sure they'd contact Kunimitsu first regardless if they couldn't reach me, don't you think?"
"Don't you think they'd just want to know?"
Kazuma looked at Hajime for a long moment, then sighed. "Why, Hajime? Why would they necessarily want to know what's going on behind closed doors?"
Hajime was blushing again, but defiant. "Because it's not just about the doors, Grandpa, it's about...everything! It's about you, it's about your life, it's about something...someone," he corrected himself, "Who's important to you. Someone you've been with since before I was born! You don't think Dad and Mom would want to know that, and have a chance to be happy for you?"
He met Kazuma's gaze, light brown eyes searching into dark ones. Then Hajime swallowed and his eyes widened.
"You are afraid, aren't you, Grandpa? You say you're sure...that you know Dad'd be ok with it. But you haven't told him, because you don't! You don't know, and you're afraid, too!"
"Hajime," Kazuma said, seeing the despair once more lighting up Hajime's eyes and wanting desperately to get ahead of it, "I already told you, that's not the case. And your situation and mine, they aren't the same."
"How?" Hajime demanded, looking at him. "You haven't told them, either, for the exact same reason!"
"No," Kazuma said. "I haven't told them because I haven't felt it was necessary-"
"Because you're afraid!"
"-Because it isn't necessary," Kazuma repeated, his voice firm. "But Kunimitsu and I are different. We are older, in a completely different life situation. We were already established, we already lived together, there was no one and nothing we needed to introduce each other to. We aren't particularly demonstrative, we've never felt any need to do 'couple' things...our lives, as they are, are perfectly content. You and Mutsuki are young, you have different goals and ambitions for yourself, you have a wide social circle you want to be open with. Mutsuki told me you two want to make things public, and that knowledge...it makes me so happy for you, Hajime," Kazuma said softly. "You have a freedom that I never had, and knowing you and Mutsuki can do that, knowing you're comfortable doing that...it makes me so happy."
But Hajime wasn't smiling. "Don't you see, Grandpa, I'm not? I want to be, yes, and I've wanted to for a long time, but I can't," he said, his mouth quivering. "I'm happy for you and Kunimitsu, Grandpa, really. I'm glad you guys found each other. But how can I believe you about Dad when you don't even believe yourself?"
"Hajime-"
"No, Grandpa," Hajime said, shaking his head. "I just...I need to think on this for a while. On all of it. I want to believe it, I really do," he said, his eyes welling up. "I want to be able to look at them...and tell them that I'm...gay, and not have them pull away. Or look at me like they don't know me, or they're disappointed in me, or..." He broke off, shaking his head again. "I need to go, Grandpa. Please tell Kunimitsu good night for me, ok?"
"Hajime, please-"
"Good night." Hajime was already heading off across the courtyard, and soon disappeared around the dojo gate. And Kazuma stared after him, trying not to feel like he'd just made everything worse.
