Clyde had babysat Craig's sister, and some of the other small kids maybe a total of… five times, in his entire life? And those were usually on school days, where they would simply spend the afternoon at his house when he's home alone and then the parents would pick him up and give him his fifteen dollars in the evening.

and that's all cool and dandy, but that doesn't mean he's okay with babysitting a kid his own age, during his father's wedding, for no pay.

In a wedding, it's tradition that the bride is the only one who wears white, but in this one, her son decided he wanted to be special too, behind her back.

"Jesus Christ!" Cartman cringes so bad he nearly throws himself against the nearest stall. Well, Clyde guesses he's not going to be called 'Cartman' for long, technically. But he just really really hopes no one is going to start calling him 'Donovan' instead. That would be a personal insult to Clyde and his father, who really deserves better.

Every time Clyde sees Cartman without his hat, it means that something unusual is occuring, which always means something bad is happening, especially if Cartman is a part of it. And if his hair is all nice and groomed, that's even worse for some reason. So just seeing him in his little white suit is making Clyde anxious. "What are you doing."

Cartman sighs, the embodiment of vocal displeasure bouncing and echoing off the walls of the clean and nearly empty bathroom. They're the only ones there, as far as he's concerned.

The thing about babysitting Eric Cartman is that you're not supposed to let him know he's being babysat. Why didn't his dad and Liane just hire a professional spy or something to do this instead of him? Clyde's supposed to be drinking apple juice and conversing with Tolkien's parents about how his grades are doing better this month, and not this. Maybe it's because they can get away with not paying him.

Maybe it's a test to see if he'll survive being Cartman's half brother for the rest of his life, and if he'll be able to live in the same house with him for the next few years of it.

"Clyde. What do you think I'm doing here, in the bathroom?" He scrunches his nose for a reply that they both he's not going to receive. "I just took a shit, obviously!"

Clyde cowers a little, an instinct he gets anytime someone raises their voice at him, before he goes back to staring flatly at the fat kid. "But why do you have a knife with you?"

Cartman looks down at the large kitchen knife he's casually holding. He stares back up at Clyde. "Bold question to ask someone who you know has a knife, Clyde."

"Are you going to kill someone with it?"

Cartman scoffs, tilting his head to the side with a huff and a small smirk. "What, are you a cop now? Lay off my back, dude." Then he walks past him, bumping shoulders in the process and exits the restroom.

Clyde sighs internally. He should probably check what Cartman is doing, or at the very least where he got that knife from… Was he just carrying it the whole time? Is that why he was wearing a whole suit, so he can hide it? Well, that, and so he can invalidate his mother's big day? Why the hell does Cartman have a knife?!

But Clyde does kind of need to pee… He did go in here for that, after all.

When he walks out, unsurprisingly, Cartman is nowhere to be seen. Clyde groans. Of course he would already be somewhere sneaking around! What was Clyde thinking?! But he really needed to pee at that moment… Oh well, he reasons that finding the only other guy wearing white at the reception can't be all that tough. Though the white cloth on all the tables, and the white chairs, and the white floor, and the white flowers might make this a little more of a challenge.

Is this really his responsibility? From here Clyde can spot Stan and Tweek watching something on one of their phones, and in another corner he sees his younger sister piling up food from the buffet onto her plate. He could do the same, if he just stopped caring about what Eric Fartman was doing.

But then again, Clyde is worried that he might actually quite literally kill someone. After all, Cartman has a track record of killing his own father- Granted, he only did it once, from what Kyle had told him- but frankly that's one too many times. He also killed a step parent before, and so all the signs are pointing at Clyde's father being in danger. And Clyde really likes his father! And would rather he would not die. And knowing Cartman, it's very possible that, for some reason, he doesn't want to be a part of the Donovan family. Even though Roger, Clyde and his sisters are pretty cool, all things considered!

He starts walking around the room, checking all the tables and the lobby which is mostly empty and the garden outside, but doesn't find him. Clyde checks the reception again nervously, glancing at Liane. She's talking to some guests while his father is talking to others. Clyde wipes sweat off his brow. Luckily, while on his hunt, he hasn't found any dead bodies, he guesses. He had almost let out an audible sigh of relief when he caught Kyle Broflovski walking around the round tables and into the dancefloor to reconnect with some of his friends- none of which being Clyde's newest half brother- knowing that after Roger, Kyle would be Cartman's most likely target.

Did he just up and leave or something? If Clyde's dad catches that he had let Cartman sneak away and do something then he's going to be in big trouble! He knows that he should just let himself enjoy the wedding and play with his friends or something, but the thought alone that whatever crime Cartman is going to commit will be the start to their brotherhood together is making Clyde want to rip his own hair out Tweek-style! Why would he take a knife to the bathroom?! What would you need a big, shiny and sharp kitchen knife for?! One you couldn't just find laying around the reception where kids like, for example, Eric Cartman, can just pick them up and do whatever?!

Clyde decides to go around the room one more time. He's sweating through his button up and his heart is beating louder than the bass of the playlist his older sister made for the reception. Alright, if he doesn't find Cartman this time, then he's just going to have to suck it up and tell his parents. When they're not talking to anyone first, that is. Which will most likely never happen because they're both so goddamn busy. And in that case Clyde will have to abandon his responsibilities and just leave it be and put the blame on his older sister or something. Because she's older, even though she helped Liane style the whole wedding, and generally did a lot more to help than Clyde…

At this point he's starting to get a little worried about Cartman's well-being! Is there a way he himself has gotten into trouble? He might be evil, but he's also kind of stupid. And although Clyde doesn't particularly like the kid, he would be the fattest kid in school without him! And also… it's not like he's not excited to have a new member in his family… He loves his sisters, but Clyde never had a brother before! And Cartman is his age too! Who knows, maybe he can get on his good side and they could be cool? Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who he is cool with at home…? His older sister is renting an apartment next to her college and his younger sister is always at clubs… And no offense to his dad and Liane, but they're his parents! They're old now. He can't just be their friend…!

This time, when he looks around, Clyde goes the extra mile. He checks underneath the tables and in the corners where chairs are stacked and he even asks all the kids if they have seen the little troublemaker. But none of them know, and none of them really look bothered by it either.

He almost gives up on it, but then remembers that there are two more tables he hadn't checked under yet. The drinks table and the buffet. Since they're farther away from all the others, and are just instead standing against the wall. It's hopeless at this point, but Clyde feels that it's only fair if he gives them some attention as well.

The drinks table doesn't have tablecloth spread on top of it, so Clyde doesn't even need to crouch to see there's no hidden mysteries underneath it, except for a few plastic cups.

He walks up to the buffet next. On the right half of the table is all the normal foods like salads, pastas, casserole… bread… and stuff. And then on the left side are all the sweet stuff like cookies and cupcakes, and then at the end is the big wedding cake. It's a basic multi tier white wedding cake with fake white roses and fancy cake decorations, but it looks delicious and tasted like it nonetheless. It's very big, the biggest Clyde had ever seen. It's probably like that because Roger knew that they'll have some left, and probably wanted to be on Cartman's good side. The bottom tier is already all gone, though the middle ones are still sitting there in front of the wall, majestically. They're out presumably so guests can take a slice for themselves freely, but it's just so big and beautiful that the thought of eating it and ruining its perfection hurts. The top layer has already been put in a box so they can store it safely until Roger and Liane's first anniversary.

Clyde admittedly isn't all that hungry, especially for something sweet, since he ate a lot of the desserts right when the buffet had opened up for everyone, and when they were handing over some of the cake and he had gotten a bigger slice for being in the family. So he doesn't give it a second glance before crouching despite the backache he's been getting for doing that exact same thing over and over to no avail. He swats the tablecloth draped in front of his face up and nearly gasps when he does find Eric Cartman under the table.

The cloth flaps back to place and Clyde straightens, eyes wide. Did Cartman see him? It was too quick for him to really know for sure. But he knows that he also saw something there that wasn't just the fat boy sitting crouched. It was big and brown and it looked good.

Hold on.

Clyde tip toes to the very end of the table. To the cake. There's still two big tiers left, whole and smooth and decorated and perfect looking. He leans farther, though, until his cheek is pressed against the wall.

It's empty.

The inside of the cake is completely empty. Only the walls with the frosting facing the crowd are present, everything else hidden from view is completely missing. Clyde stands stock still, gaping. When a hand grabs his ankle he nearly screeches. It immediately tugs at him and Clyde as a result falls on his ass before he's being dragged on his back under the table without someone so much as noticing.

His face is still in complete shock when he looks at Cartman glaring down at him. "Oh, it's just you, Clyde."

His head hit the floor pretty harshly when he fell so it takes him a few seconds of opening and closing his mouth like a dumb fish before he is even able to muster the ability to look to the side. And lo and behold, there the rest of the cake is sitting, barely holding itself on top of two plates that are placed next to each other on the floor. "W-Why did you steal all the cake like that?!"

Cartman finishes chewing the clump he had shoved into his mouth, his face almost completely covered in chocolate and white frosting, before he slurs, "What? You think they'd just let me eat the whole thing right here?"

Clyde pouts and pushes himself to a sitting position. "Probably…"

His half brother sighs and shakes his head slowly. It's something that Clyde's mother used to do a lot, but now he doesn't know how to feel about it when, clearly, the other is in the wrong. "Clyde, you are so naive. Kahl would definitely have tried to stop me."

Clyde's not sure if he should tell him that last time he checked, Kyle didn't seem to give two shits about his well-being. Maybe he was only like that because Eric was not there, though. "Why didn't you just wait to eat it at home?"

"You don't know anything, do you?"

And to be fair, Clyde doesn't feel like he does at all. "Yes I do." he still claims self-consciously.

"If that's so," Eric half chews before reaching behind himself and pulling the knife that he had earlier. Its handle is completely dirty from him eating the cake with his hands instead of a fork or spoon, which is just emphasized by the way the actual knife part of the knife is completely clean. How the hell did he even cut the part of the cake he's eating away from the rest of it. He points the knife at Clyde, "-Then you better watch your mouth and not rat me out!" he yaps, though some of it loses its intimidation with how there's clearly some chocolate in his mouth and some that he's holding with his other hand, "Or else these newlyweds won't be wed for long."

Clyde isn't sure if Eric is hinting at a divorce or worse, but either way he knows that his father very much loves Liane, and would be heartbroken if she was to call it off. And obviously if Roger was to be murdered because of some stupid cake then Clyde wouldn't exactly be thrilled either. "O-Okay!" Like their parents aren't going to figure it out anyways.

So Eric lowers the knife and they sit like that for a while awkwardly. Clyde stares at the ground as his half brother licks frosting off of the tips of his fingers grosely. "Can I have some?"

Eric hums and lazily cuts an albeit pretty large slice from his makeshift cake with his knife at a section of the cake he thankfully hadn't shoved his hands into yet. "There you go, Clyde." he says earnestly as if this situation is logical and normal. What a psychopath.

He doesn't really have any choice but to take it with his hands, and thus dirtying them. To not let it fall from his hands, he has to shove half of it into his mouth promptly, which will clearly paint a similar picture that he's undoubtedly a partner in this chocolate-covered crime. At least he thinks he passed the step brother test.