Chapter 1 – Relief

Teresa hung up with Oksana and thought about the missing Kelly Anne and Pote who was after her but who was still unaccounted for. Pain squeezed her heart. She stared ahead trying to assimilate the turn of events in the last eight hours. Just yesterday she had been on the verge of becoming the largest cartel in the northern hemisphere with Europe under her belt and she had hosted a reception for her legitimate venture, and now she had nothing, no stable business, no supply, no prospects as her dream of becoming "too big to fail" had failed. She had underestimated the real powers that controlled everything. Despite America being called the "land of dreams", not all dreams came true.

James's voice interrupted her thoughts: "You shouldn't have told her all this over the phone. The kill team Kostya sent were ex KGB. These people have access to all sorts of modern technology and could be tapping cell phones". She hadn't even thought of this. What if now Oksana has been compromised by Teresa's own lack of foresight.

James was looking at her with reproof and she didn't feel like admitting her error as she didn't feel like arguing. So, she said nothing.
When the silence got too long and he turned to leave, Teresa couldn't hold herself: "Say it…just say it," was what came out.

James looked at her and as if carefully measuring his words and said: "This is the second time in two weeks that you have pushed me to speak my mind…"

Teresa had no smart comeback and just said what came to her mind: "I feel like there's an ocean between us.", she hadn't planned on having a conversation with him now, a conversation that she knew was long overdue, but would also be very difficult. She just needed to think and for that she needed to be alone. Preferably with a hit of coke or a shot of tequila.

But James would never speak a lie or just say anything for the sake of saying something: "Teresa, things between us are the way you wanted them to be… as far as the business, I do support your decision to get out…ultimately all these are your decisions". These were her decisions, how accurate! She had made the decision to push him away, to strive for the top, whatever that was, no matter that she was uncertain as to how she would feel there or if she would like it.

But the unwelcome conversation had started and she was so tired of trying to control every sentence, expression or move that she just let it out, hoping he would take it and be the good listener he had always been: "I had no choice but to learn to make all decisions alone…it was very difficult ….after Tony died...and you were gone, and I couldn't... no matter what I did, I couldn't win with the Judge... and everything was always hanging in the air…I know I have done horrible things, but I am still the same person", then she almost said the person you loved, as she was certain he loved her, but as he had never said it, she added only: "the person you used to talk to". Did he love her still or at least care about her? she wondered. If he was still here, maybe he did. It had been a month only since he had returned wounded, and him staying surely must mean something.

His features softened and he said: "I am sorry I could not be here for you…to protect you and Tony".

This was it, she was going to say things she had not planned to tell him now ...or ever…depending on the circumstances: "You did protect me… working for Devon…you stayed when I pushed you away a month ago and you forgave me for suspecting you back in Phoenix…you have always been there for me one way or another", she couldn't say more without her voice starting to tremble, so she only mustered: "Thank you".

And there it was, what she needed to hear, not sure she wanted to hear it as she wasn't sure how to handle it, but he said it and relief washed over her: " We are still in this together, right?"

"Right", her relief showed, and she smiled a sad little smile. Then she realized that talking things over with James may help clear the details and the options, as was her experience with their work so far, so she asked: "Did you suspect any part of his plan?...Devon's plan to make us work for him?…I mean when you worked for him?"

James's face got as dark and as serious as she had ever seen him: "No, I failed to see the long game big time... it's clear to me now that all the random gangsters we removed were possible competition for you".

So, he had been helping her and it was all set up by Devon. The realization that all her planning and maneuvering had never stood a chance was devastating. And for what? She had lost so much. Tony and George were dead, and now Kelly Anne was gone! For what? To become big enough to work with gangsters at Kostya's level to serve the CIA? No, she never bargained for this, she owed nothing to the US government, things were on her terms, else things fell through. She heard herself blurt it all out as a waterfall and to her own surprise, she felt better: "James, I don't feel like I can do this anymore… getting too big to fail to be safe is an illusion…Devon would never let go of me…also Boaz killed George...the pinche pendejo told me George was with Tony now…dead…I don't want to, I can't lose another member of my family…I am so scared for Kelly Anne…and this is all Devon's doing," her voice was trembling now and she hoped James wouldn't hug her as she knew she would fall apart.

He didn't hug her, she had put up the wall and he respected it, that was so like him:" Let's not write Pote off just yet, he is going to find Kelly Anne or die trying...he is very good at what he does". Then he made a pause and his voice started sounding serious rather than comforting: "Your plan to exit is good if Oksana succeeds in eliminating Kostya...and takes your place. Maybe Devon may just let us escape…which I doubt because Devon is a smart son of a bitch, but he is part of a big organization, and he also just follows orders." Then he shook his head and went on:" But if Oksana doesn't succeed, it becomes really scary", he drawled the 'scary' and she shivered and looked him in the eyes as he added: "We'll have to handle things ourselves …and make Devon …and his superiors believe they don't need to go after us...but we will cross this bridge when we get there".

What was he talking about? Fooling Finch not to chase them? Teresa thought. He had said "us". Her mind lingered on it, it was so sweet and comforting. Why wouldn't he say more comforting things like this and why wouldn't he touch her, she needed it so much. Because she had made it clear to him not to get close, so he wouldn't say sweet and comforting things, carajo!, her internal voice reminded her. Beware as you may get what you bargained for!; the phrase sprung in her mind.

Then Teresa heard herself say: " And you'll come with me...Escape with me?"

He smiled this time and said: "Like you said, I have always been there for you...there's no place I'd rather be…than here with you", then in a different tone: "Don't know about you, but I need a drink, a large one.….you?" She did want and need a drink, and she did want and need to share it with him. It suddenly felt like getting out of uncomfortable high heels and putting on a pair of comfy slippers." Yes, whatever you are having", she replied.

He went to the side bar with the bottles and Teresa watched him diligently prepare the drinks, check if the glasses were clean, pick the bottle, add the ice, as he always did things diligently, to perfection.

The air in the room seemed lighter. She sighed and her gaze fell on the worn out sleeves of his black leather jacket. She couldn't help but smile as it was the same jacket he had worn the first time she had met him in the warehouse: "You have had his same jacket since the day I met you…" it was just an observation, she didn't expect an answer but was pleasantly surprised when he smiled again and said nonchalantly: " Yeah, I know...and it shows…on the sleeves especially", he turned his arm around to take a look at the peeling skin, then added looking her straight in the eyes: "But this is the jacket I have for this life...when we get out, I will get a new one, promise".

Her heart jumped. He had said WHEN, not IF. He had said US, not YOU. This was a good sign, Teresa thought and felt herself relax.

They drank in silence for a few minutes, and she observed the wrinkle between his eyebrows. He definitely was planning in his head, he wasn't sitting there thinking of them or enjoying the moment, she was sure. He could do this so successfully, she thought, keep things apart, not allow feelings to distract him from the work. Maybe with him by her side she had a chance of doing what Finch wanted and then exiting.

"You better try to get some rest, as tomorrow won't be easy", he suddenly said and after placing his empty glass in the sink headed for the door :"That's what I'm going to do… but keep your cell close in case Pote calls.", and he was out the door before she could say anything.