'You took the Defence Against the Dark Arts position. It means something, doesn't it.'
When Hermione was seven years old, she fell out of a tree and broke her wrist. She could remember the screams of her parents, her mother's pale face and her father's brown eyes laced with concern as they leaned over, ready to console her. But instead of feeling pain, she remembered sitting up and staring at her parents as though they were making a fuss over nothing.
It was strange how the world had taken on a fuzzy quality, but Hermione could still pick out the minute details. The air conditioning in her father's car, a smudge of red lipstick on her mother's front left tooth. The buzzing of the fluorescent lights in the hospital waiting room.
She stared in fascination as the doctor snapped her bones back into place and placed her arm into a pot.
Later, her mother explained that her body had gone into shock from the pain, and her brain had compartmentalised things to protect itself.
As Hermione walked calmly back towards Gryffindor tower, the rational part of her brain told her that once again, her body had gone into shock.
'Before this war is finished we will have given ourselves to the cause completely and still they will demand more.'
Another student bumped into her, a Ravenclaw fifth-year with red bunches she vaguely recognised.
She was acutely aware of the steady thump of her heart in her chest, fighting to break out of its too tight prison behind her ribs. She could feel the blood rushing through the veins of her forearms, giving life to the tingling sensation in her fingertips.
For once the staircases remained static, the vanishing step substantial under foot when she didn't jump.
'Well are you going to give me the password or not?' Barked the Fat Lady.
Hermione blinked up at her, admiring the rich emerald paint strokes. 'Pardon me?'
'I can't exactly hang around all day if you're not going in,' the portrait sniffed. 'I've got a date with my friend Violet.'
'Er, Gillyweed Blossoms.'
The hem of her robes snagged on a stone as she climbed through the portrait hole, tearing a small hole when she pulled it free. Hermione stood in the middle of the busy common room, irrationally angry at herself for the damage she had caused her robes.
'Hullo, Hermione,' Colin Creevey.
She walked past him without a word, finding Ron and Ginny in the corner playing a game of chess. For the first time she noted the freckles under Ron's left eye formed the constellation of Aquila.
'The road ahead will be long and hard. The casualties will be high before the Dark Lord can be defeated.'
'Where's Harry?' Her voice sounded small, like she was hearing it through the wrong end of a telephone.
'Dunno, I thought he was with you.' Ginny moved her knight forward. 'Checkmate.'
Ron groaned and flicked over his scowling Queen. 'You're useless.' He looked up at her then, his brow creasing. 'You look like you've been dragged through a swamp.'
She opened her mouth but no words would come out. How could she even begin to explain everything? Where would she even start? She touched her temple where Snape's fingers had pressed only minutes ago.
Harry burst through the portrait hole then, his eyes feverish.
'Oh good, you're all here,' he said. 'Look, I don't have time. Dumbledore's summoned me, he's found one.'
Ginny and Ron were out of their armchairs in a second.
'Found one of what?' Ginny asked.
'I've got to be quick.' He glanced around the common room before ducking his head in close. 'I need you to do something for me.'
Ron nodded. 'Anything.'
'I think Malfoy's done it. I ran into Professor Trelawney just outside the Room of Requirements. She told me she tried to get in, but someone was already in there. Someone celebrating.'
The room tilted and bile burned in her throat.
'Professor Trelawney?' Ron frowned.
'But that could have been anyone,' Hermione protested weakly.
'It's Malfoy. I just know it,' Harry argued. 'I don't have time to argue. Are you with me or not?'
Ginny placed a hand on his arm. 'What do you need us to do?'
Harry grinned at her in pure adoration. 'Go to the Room of Requirements. Find out what he's up to and stop him.'
'If Malfoy is up to something, we should leave it up to Dumbledore or one of the Order members,' Hermione tried again.
'We'll go.' Ron said firmly.
Hermione pursed her lips together.
'There's another thing.' Harry drew a slow, steady breath. 'I need you to watch Snape.'
Her stomach clenched. 'Professor Snape? Why?'
'Because whatever Malfoy is up to, Snape is in on it.' His eyes darkened and he shook his head before she could disagree. 'I know you think Snape's on our side but he's not. Not anymore, anyway. Look, I don't have time to explain. I have to go.'
He pulled the Marauders map out of his pocket and handed it to Ron. 'Stay safe.'
In a deserted classroom on the seventh floor, Ron spread out the map with a flourish.
Ginny gasped. 'Bloody hell, is this…'
Hermione leaned over the map, studying the tiny moving dots.
'A map of the school and everyone in it?' Finished Ron. 'Yes.'
'But… how on earth did Harry get something like this?'
'Funny you should ask. Apparently his father made it with Lupin and Sirius, but it was Fred and George who bestowed it on him,' Ron explained, his fingers joining Hermione's.
Ginny made a noise of disgruntlement. 'Un-bloody-believable those two.'
'I don't see Snape on here anywhere,' Hermione told them. She traced a path between Snape's office in the dungeons, his office, and the corridors he often patrolled. She wasn't sure if her rising nausea was a sign of relief or agitation.
'There's no sign of Malfoy either,' Ron confirmed. He looked up at Hermione. 'They must be in the Room of Requirements together.'
Hermione suppressed a shiver. 'Or not in Hogwarts at all.' Snape's hiss of pain as he cradled his forearm was still fresh in her ears as she began chewing on her thumbnail.
Ron was nearly bouncing up and down in excitement. 'Does this mean Harry's right?'
'Right about what exactly?' Ginny demanded, her hands on her hips. 'And where has Harry gone with Dumbledore? You need to start explaining right now.'
Hermione and Ron exchanged a look over the map before Hermione sunk into a chair, feeling very tired. 'We'll tell you what we can, but there are some things we've sworn to secrecy.'
Not that it stopped her from telling Snape.
'Harry's been tailing Malfoy all year,' Ron explained. 'We're fairly certain Malfoy was made a Death Eater last summer.'
'Merlin's balls! Have you told anyone?'
'What do you think? We tried to tell Dad.'
'But he didn't believe you.' Ginny gathered her hair into a ponytail. 'I always thought Malfoy was a slimy little bugger. Right, so Malfoy is a Death Eater, and so's Snape. What's this about the Room of Requirements? Do we know what they're up to?'
Ron shook his head. 'That's the bit we're unsure about. Harry overheard Malfoy and Snape arguing after Slughorn's Christmas party. Voldemort gave Malfoy a task, and Snape was trying to convince Malfoy to let him help.'
Hermione rested her head on her hand, the room swimming around her. Why couldn't they just leave well enough alone? Why did they always have to be so involved?
Ginny sucked in a breath, her eyes wide. 'A task? You don't think it has anything to do with Katie Bell… and the poisoned mead?'
'Possibly. We were sure Malfoy had something to do with the necklace that poisoned Katie, but Dumbledore told Harry they weren't connected,' Ron replied.
'Well of course he'd say that,' Ginny huffed. 'According to the Order we're just children. We couldn't possibly have any intelligent thoughts.' She tightened her ponytail again and stared down at the map. 'Let me get this straight.
'Malfoy has attempted murder, twice. Snape wanted to help him with said-murders, but Malfoy was refusing… and now they've both gone missing into the Room of Requirements, where according to Trewlaney someone was last heard celebrating.'
'Could you forgive me for murdering your precious leader? Because believe me, I will enjoy every moment of it.'
The strong taste of copper flooded Hermione's mouth as she bit down on her tongue.
'More or less,' agreed Ron.
Ginny seemed to mull this over before nodding once, and Hermione caught a glimpse of the fierce determination that Harry admired. 'Okay. So we go down to the Room of Requirements together then, and wait for Malfoy and Snape to come out.'
'And then what?' Hermione demanded, pushing herself to sit upright. 'We don't know what they're doing or why they're in there. We can't fight Snape.'
'C'mon Hermione, where's your Gryffindor spirit?' Ron teased, his blue eyes sparkling. 'He's always giving you such a hard time in class, wouldn't it feel good to finally take him down?'
She placed a hand on her chest, the heavy thumping of her heartbeat grounding her.
Time and time again, Harry and Ron had been so convinced that Snape's loyalties lay strictly with Voldemort. He was the dark, murderous villain in the story, far more tangible than Voldemort himself. Even after all the good he had done for their cause there was still a strong sense of doubt in everyone's minds.
Throughout all their lessons, Snape had always dealt in half-truths, never shying away from explaining the reality of the situation. He might have been cross with her, but he wouldn't lie about a plot for Dumbledore's murder. Nor would he lie about Dumbledore's awareness.
In a previous life, she might have been jealous of the bold way Ron and Harry were forever launching themselves head first into the challenges they faced, regardless of the consequence. If she had discovered a plot to kill Dumbledore she would have done everything in her power to protect him. It's what they did.
And now? If they crossed paths with Snape, would she have it in her to take him down, if it meant saving a life?
In a previous life, she would have said yes. But then Snape's dark eyes, filled with the subtle praise he would never admit to, would fill her vision and she was no longer sure.
'We keep watch,' she conceded at last, 'but if there's any hint of danger we have to alert the Order members.' She pointed at two wandering dots on the map. 'Tonks and Bill are both on duty. We leave Snape to them.'
She sent a silent prayer that it wouldn't come to that.
Ron and Ginny shared twin grins of mischievous pleasure that was pure Weasley.
He folded up the map and slipped it into the back pocket of his jeans. 'I knew you'd see reason.'
Hermione stood up, her knees buckling under her. She grabbed the edge of the desk and placed a hand on her forehead.
She felt Ginny's hand rest gently on her shoulder. 'Hermione?'
She waved the other girl off. 'I'm fine, just a little light headed. I missed dinner, that's all.' When Ginny's eyebrows raised, she rolled her eyes and straightened her robes. 'I'm fine. Honest.'
Like ghosts, the three of them hurried up to the seventh floor, wands in hand and robes flying behind them. They were nearly upon the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy when they bumped into Neville and Luna coming from the opposite direction.
Her nerves already frayed, Hermione let out a shriek, making Neville jump.
'What the hell was that?' Ron said incredulously.
She placed a hand on her chest, her heart thundering. 'They startled me! I'm allowed to be startled.'
Ron's snickering was cut off when Ginny elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
'What are you two doing out here? It's nearly curfew,' Hermione asked.
'Cassiopeia is very bright tonight.' Luna offered.
Neville blushed scarlet. 'I thought it would be nice to look at the stars, but then the sky started turning a funny colour and… well, I don't know how to explain it, but the air just felt wrong.'
Hermione's breath caught and she rubbed at her wrist. 'You should return to your common rooms.'
'No, wait,' said Ron, stepping forward. 'We could use the extra hands. Besides, they're part of Dumbledore's Army. They can hold their own.'
Neville looked between the three of them. 'What's going on?'
'Malfoy is a Death Eater, he and Snape are behind Katie and Ron's poisoning. Malfoy was last seen in the Room of Requirements celebrating, and now Snape's in there with him,' Ginny explained in a rush.
'That's…' Neville blinked at her for a long moment. 'Goodness. Professor Snape? Do we think they're going to try another attack? Should we tell Professor Dumbledore?'
Luna brushed her hair behind her ear. 'Where's Harry?'
'With Dumbledore. They've left Hogwarts for now. Something you still haven't explained,' Ginny added with a glare.
'Not now Gin,' said Ron, exasperated. 'Hogwarts is undefended.'
Hermione groaned. 'Don't be ridiculous. The school is full of teachers and Order members.'
Ron ignored her. 'We'll split up. Ginny and Luna, you should wait at the end of the hall, in case they try to escape down the staircase. Neville and I will watch the portrait hole, and Hermione can wait here.'
Hermione crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. 'I thought you said I was rubbish at duelling.'
Ron sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck. 'That was until I saw you take on Harry and Malfoy. You're scary.'
Grudgingly she watched the others leave, the silence of the corridor wrapping her up like a welcomed embrace. They shouldn't be here.
Don't do anything stupid, Snape had told her.
Well, she was fairly certain this currently ranked fairly high on his stupidity scale. But once Ron and Harry got an idea in their heads, there was no convincing them away from their mission. They would see it out until the end, even if it killed them.
Hermione let herself rest against the stone wall. Her head was pounding in time with her heartbeat. She hadn't been lying to Ginny – her run-in with Snape had caused her to miss the end of dinner. The headache was making her feel nauseous. She rested her head on her knees and let the evening's events finally catch up with her.
'You promised me. You gave me your word Miss Granger.'
She had messed up. Bad.
She hadn't seen Snape that murderous since their encounter with Sirius in the Shrieking Shack.
Oh god. Everything she had worked for, ruined in seconds. Because of some dumb mistake. Because like the idiot teenage girl she was, she just couldn't keep her mouth shut.
She was furious with herself. When accepting her lessons, he had been quite explicit in his demands: she would not tell anyone. She felt like an idiot for having a single moment of weakness that Christmas Eve. There was no reason that she had to tell Lupin; she had been lying to Ron and Harry for long enough.
At first she told herself it was because she wanted to share her secret with someone else who understood what it was like to watch from the outside. But the longer she sat with her decision, the more she had begun to realise it was Snape she wanted to share with someone. She was no longer content with staying quiet about their private liaisons. He had become such a large part of her world and she wanted to share that knowledge with someone else.
It had cost her. From the little she knew about Snape's relationship with Sirius, Snape held grudges forever. It wasn't just that she had told someone, she had told one of the people he detested the most. He would always hold her betrayal against her.
The corridor suddenly plunged into darkness and Hermione raised her wand on instinct.
'Lumos,' she whispered.
The flash of blue never came. Instead, the unending night pressed in around her. She was on her feet in a second.
Should she hold the ground, or find one of the others?
'Incendio!'
The sound of her breath echoed off the walls; her wand felt slick in her hand from sweat. She crouched against the wall, her arms up defensively.
From the end of the hall there was a scream, sending a tendril of cold fear down her spine.
Find the others then.
Hands outstretched in front of her, she raced down the hall, hoping she would bump into one of her friends before whatever was out there in the darkness.
Snape.
She couldn't think about him. Not now.
Not while her friends were in danger.
'Ron? Neville!'
'Hermione?' Came Neville's voice through the dim.
How many paces was it to the tapestry? She should have counted. There was an alcove halfway down but–
Her fingers brushed up against fabric and she froze.
'Hermione?' Neville whispered and her shoulders sagged in relief.
Instinctively she laced her fingers through his. 'Are you okay? Where's Ron?'
'Harry was right, Malfoy was in the Room of Requirements.'
Ice crept through her veins, the hairs at the nape of her neck raising.
'Was he alone?'
She let Neville lead her down the corridor.
'Couldn't tell. We saw him come out, and then he threw some sort of powder,' he told her.
'The darkness.'
'Yeah. Anyway, we think he took off down the hall toward Ginny and Luna. We heard a scream and Ron went to investigate.'
They were a ways down when they stumbled— literally— into the others.
Ginny filled them in as they hurried along. 'That arsehole attacked me. Caught me right in the arm with a stinging hex. I didn't want to curse him though in case I hit Luna.'
'He isn't alone,' Luna confirmed. 'I could smell Singfinchers. They tend to hang around people who favour dark magic.'
Hermione nearly ran into the back of Ron. 'I don't understand, how can Malfoy see through this but we can't?'
'He's got the Hand of Glory, doesn't he,' he reminded her.
They rounded the corner and were nearly blinded by the glowing candlelights. Not too far ahead, Hermione could make out a small group of six or seven dark figures charging down the corridor.
'Oh fuck,' Ron rasped, skidding to a halt.
'No. No, they can't. How can they be here,' Ginny whispered.
Hermione swayed on the spot as Neville's hand tightened painfully around her own.
There were Death Eaters inside Hogwarts.
Did Snape know? He must have, she had watched him being summoned.
Her insides did an uncomfortable summersault and she gripped Neville's hand back just as hard.
What if Snape had let them in?
Ginny stepped out in front. 'We have to stop them.'
'But they're Death Eaters!' Neville exclaimed.
'We defeated them at the Department of Mysteries, didn't we?' Ron said, rolling his shoulders back. 'We can take them again.'
There was a small explosion at the end of the corridor that shook the walls around them. Neville paled when Ron and Ginny sprinted off in the direction of the commotion.
Luna held out her hand towards Neville and tilted her head, her hair cascading down her shoulder. 'We fought well together last time, didn't we?;
Neville glanced hesitantly at Hermione.
'Let's go then,' Hermione said, her voice trembling.
A fight had already broken out at the bottom of the staircase to the Astronomy Tower. Ginny was dodging curses from a large blonde Death Eater, while Tonks and Ron took on a group of four. Neville and Luna instantly rushed forward to help.
Hermione stood rooted on the spot, her breath coming quick as her eyes scanned the dark figures. There… the one with auburn hair she recognised from the Department of Mysteries. Another with a face of a bulldog she had seen in the Daily Prophet.
A whizz of orange light flew past her head, leaving a scorch mark on the brickwork. She stared at it with glossy eyes, her mouth dry.
'Hermione!'
She turned in time to see something large and wolflike take down Bill. Her knees went weak at the sound of his screams while Ron lunged forward, a large red gash visible down the side of his face.
Why couldn't she feel her legs?
Blood. There was so much blood everywhere.
Another stone exploded overhead, and she crouched down, covering her ears with her hands.
Everything was too loud.
'Hermione, get down!'
Someone shoved her hard, her head hitting against the flagstones. Light flashed around her.
Tonks' face swam in her vision, her hair a vibrant shade of purple in amongst the greys and browns. 'Are you okay?'
There was another shout and Tonks was gone.
Hermione sat up, a tangy, familiar smell filling the air. With a shaking hand she touched the back of her head, her fingers coming away sticky and wet.
The roar of her heartbeat filled her ears and diminished the noise of the battle around her. Black spots swam around her as she struggled to get enough oxygen.
'You. I know you, you're that Mudblood brat,' growled a voice.
Her gaze slowly moved from the blood on her hand to the enormous Death Eater she had seen fighting Ginny.
Her knees felt like jelly. Her wand was too slippery in her hand; her mind blank. Block. She needed to block.
He laughed, the grating sound making her flinch.
'Ay, you're nothing but a wee dot.' His head cocked to the side. 'We're to leave Potter, but they said nothing about his girl.'
Her mind tumbled over a million spells, none of them clicking into place.
'If anyone takes her life, it'll be me.'
The world titled around her as she spun on the spot.
A pair of flat, black eyes held her own.
Severus Snape stood in the corridor.
In slow motion she watched him stalk towards her, the flashing lights of the battle behind him illuminating his silhouette like an angel of death.
He peered down his nose like she was nothing more than dirt on the bottom of his boot, his lip curling in disgust.
'Professor,' she said hoarsely. She wasn't sure what hurt more, the pain in her chest, or the look of pure revulsion on his face.
'You and your little friends think you're invisible. But you can't run forever,' he told her.
Her chest squeezed painfully and she fought to stay upright. She was so tired.
There were so many things she wanted to say to him. She wanted to apologise. She wanted to tell him how much she hated him for using her, for making her feel small and insignificant all these years.
'Make it stop.' She heard herself say.
His wand raised high and she shut her eyes.
Let it be quick.
The faces of Harry and Ron flashed in her mind's eye. She hoped they'd make it out of the fight alive.
She hoped Harry would find the Horcruxes, and that the world would be safe at last.
She hoped someone would be kind and return her body to her parents so they could find peace.
Her parents.
At least in death she would fulfil her promise in protecting them at last.
She lowered her wand.
'Sectumsempra.' Snape's voice was a gentle caress.
How odd, that it would bring her comfort even in the face of her own death. She cringed, but the pain never came. There was a groan from behind her.
'Breathe, Granger.'
Her lungs were burning. She opened her eyes.
'Breathe,' he commanded again.
She sucked in a deep breath of air like a swimmer breaking the surface.
The dull ache in her chest flared to life then and she cried out, doubling over.
Snape was there, a hand on her elbow to steady her.
'You idiot girl,' he hissed. 'How long?'
Cool, dry fingers touched her wrist. The touch was familiar, an anchor point in the storm.
She registered the cold sweat that had stuck her shirt to her back; dampening the curls at the back of her neck.
'Look at me,' he demanded.
Was she dying? She tried to turn her head towards the Death Eater behind her but he caught her chin in his fingers and forced her to look at him through unfocused eyes.
She was back at Grimmauld Place, frightened and frustrated after accidentally attacking Snape.
A deep crease formed between his brows and she wondered distantly if he could see the memory in her mind.
'Snape!' Harry's voice cut through the noise.
Snape's fingers tightened on her chin, her vision beginning to tunnel. She felt as though a single breeze could float her away from it all.
'Go,' she urged.
'You need medical attention.'
'Snape! Stop him!' Harry's voice was louder now.
'Granger—'
She placed a hand on top of his wrist. 'Go.'
'SNAPE! YOU COWARD!'
There was an oath, her chest exploding in pain. Then the floor rushed up to meet her.
Bright. Everything was too bright.
Hermione blinked several times, staring up at the high ceiling of the hospital wing. Warm sunlight poured in through the open windows. She shifted her weight, finding her muscles weak.
'You're awake.'
She looked over to see Ron sitting in the chair by her head. The long cut along his cheek bone was still raw and angry. He looked exhausted, his freckles standing out against the purple bruises under his eyes. He stood up stiffly and helped her sit up against the pillows.
'Easy now. Madam Pomfrey says you're lucky to be alive.' When Crookshanks crawled up the bed to sit on her lap, Ron scratched him behind the ears. 'He's been standing watch all night.'
Hermione gingerly touched her chest. Her ribs felt broken and bruised. 'I feel like a hippogriff sat on my chest,' she croaked.
Ron sat on the edge of her bed. 'Hermione…' he hesitated, licking his lips nervously. 'You suffered a minor heart attack.'
Ah. She winced and fell back against the pillows.
'It's the Fraendoment curse,' she told him, rubbing her chest absently. 'It crushes your internal organs. I was lucky I had silenced Dolohov, otherwise it would have been much worse.'
'You knew?' He sounded angry.
She shrugged. 'Yes, but no thanks to Madam Pomfrey. She just sent me on my way. It wasn't until…' she trailed off, shaking her head. 'I knew the risks. It was my decision.'
Ron huffed. 'Merlin, Hermione you nearly died. How can you be so calm about this?'
'Why are you getting angry at me?' She crossed her arms defensively. 'In case you haven't noticed, we're at war, Ron! What was I supposed to have done, sit quietly in the common room? Besides, you were the one who goaded me about having Gryffindor spirit, remember?'
He dipped his head, chagrined. 'I was really worried.'
'Well you needn't have been,' Hermione scoffed. 'I didn't even do any fighting, did I? I panicked.'
Hours and hours of duelling practice with Snape and it was all for nothing. She hadn't even cast a single offensive spell, let alone lift her wand to defend herself when the time came.
No, it was Snape who had saved her arse in the end.
She pushed away the memory of his hand on her wrist, checking her pulse.
'Hermione,' he said gently, 'you didn't panic, you were having a heart attack.'
The knowledge still didn't sit comfortably with her. She should have done more.
'What happened? Where's Harry?' she asked, deliberately changing the subject.
Ron gave her a look of pity and her stomach clenched.
'Do you want some water? Or pumpkin juice?'
'Ron,' she warned.
'He's okay. Ginny's with him. She hasn't left his side since… well…' his finger drew a pattern on the sheets beside her hand. 'Dumbledore is dead.'
'I am to kill Albus Dumbledore tonight.'
So Snape had done it then. Just as he told her he would.
Even though she knew it was a possibility, it still didn't prepare her for the reality. Tears clouded her vision and she swallowed a sob, thankful for Crookshanks' comforting weight.
She didn't want to hear it, but she knew she should ask. 'How…'
'Snape,' Ron stated solemnly. 'Harry was there. He saw the whole thing. He and Dumbledore were coming back from finding the Horcrux when they saw the Dark Mark over the Astronomy Tower. Dumbledore apparently stunned Harry, which,' his mouth quirked up, 'he was furious about, as you can imagine. As it turns out, Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater. His mission was to kill Dumbledore.'
'But I thought—'
'Snape. Yeah. Malfoy couldn't do it. He didn't have it in him or something. So it was Snape in the end, with the killing curse.'
Hermione closed her eyes.
Ron placed a consoling hand on her arm. 'I know. Look, I know he's not exactly everyone's favourite teacher, and Harry always swore he was one of Voldemort's but I never really thought… I mean, he even fooled Dumbledore in the end.'
She said nothing, hugging Crookshanks' close to her chest.
Ron tentatively rubbed her arm. 'It gets worse though. The prophecy about Harry…' He took a deep, shuddering breath. 'It was Snape who overheard it. Hewas the one who told Voldemort.'
All the air escaped her lungs. 'No!'
'Harry's furious. I think… Hermione, I think Harry's going to go after him.'
It was too much. Her chest squeezed painfully and she groaned, tears slipping down her cheeks.
Ron leapt off the bed, his face pale. 'I'll go get Madam Pomfrey.'
Hermione buried her head in Crookshanks' fur and wept.
It was another two days before Madam Pomfrey cleared her from bedrest.
Students had been given the option of staying for Dumbledore's funeral, and Hermione had stood in between Ron and Harry, their hands clasped tightly. Although he wouldn't say it, Hermione could feel Harry's grief coming off him in waves.
They hadn't spoken about it much, but Hermione could tell he blamed himself for Dumbledore's death, just as he had Sirius'. She and Ron reminded him that they had done everything right: they had told both the Order and Dumbledore their suspicions. If the adults had chosen not to listen, that wasn't their fault. But it wasn't good enough for Harry. He demanded vengeance, and refused to listen to anyone who tried to persuade him otherwise.
On the morning they were due to leave Hogwarts, Hermione felt restless. As Snape had predicted, Harry declared he wouldn't return for his final year and would instead take up the hunt for Horcruxes. Hermione and Ron promised to follow.
Although she had known it was a strong possibility for some time, the idea of not returning to Hogwarts was a new kind of grief. It wasn't home for her in the same way it was for Harry, but the castle represented so much more. It was a place where, at age eleven, she felt like she could be herself for the first time in her life. It was where her mind and beliefs were challenged, and the friendships she held dear were forged. Hogwarts was where she found herself.
It was also where she lost herself.
In the days after the Battle of the Tower, she struggled to reconcile her feelings in her head.
How eager she had been to understand her mentor further. On multiple occasions Snape had hinted to her at something darker lurking inside him. Lupin had ever warned her outright. Still, she had to know. Typical Hermione, never satisfied until she had all the answers in front of her.
She still couldn't make the puzzle pieces fit, but he had implied, in a way, that Dumbledore's murder was premeditated and that Dumbledore himself was quite aware. She hated the idea of Snape being responsible, yet until she had all the facts she found she couldn't convict him of his crimes. A small part of her told her she was being foolish and naive.
But the prophecy… Yes, Peter Pettigrew had given up the Potters' location, but Snape was the one who passed Voldemort the information in the first instance. He had directly contributed to the deaths of Harry's parents, and she could never forgive him for that.
The worst bit was she had helped him. Snape had urged her to bring him information on the Horcruxes and she had agreed to it. She had done it to save her parents, but it didn't make it right. In the end she was no better than he. In the end she too had betrayed the Potters, and she couldn't forgive herself for that.
The anger she felt towards herself left her wandering the halls of Hogwarts on that last morning without a mission, until Hermione found herself staring at the oak door where it all began.
Snape's office.
Her throat felt tight, her body cold as she pressed a hand against the wood. She half expected to hear him bark at her in annoyance for dawdling outside. Instead, the silence was deafening. She pushed on the door, half surprised when it creaked open. She wondered if the school knew that Severus Snape was no longer a teacher, his office now forfeit.
The room was hollow and lifeless without him. The coolness of the room which was delightful in the summer heat only days ago was now cold and unwelcoming. His chair was pushed back on an angle, as though he had only been sitting in it a moment ago. She jumped when the door shut, half-expecting to see him standing behind her, some retort on his tongue about snooping. Instead she was alone with his ghost.
Here and there she could see him. Giving her a scowl or growling an order at her… his long fingers touching the dusty jars, his black robes flaring behind him while he paced in front of his fire.
Even now, even after everything, she wished he were there. She longed for his firm guidance and his stern words that told her to shut her brain off when everything was too much. She hated how much she had grown to need him. How he had woven himself into her very core.
Hermione swallowed against the lump in her throat, lighting the candles on her desk with her wand to banish the ghouls from the corners of the room. She paused at the chair she had sat in so many times, her fingers digging into the wooden back. His desk was still littered with neat stacks of scrolls and thick books.
Ordered chaos. Snape was never one for mess, always demanding his stores and classrooms be kept neat and tidy. But as she has grown to understand his methods better she realised that below all the perfection was something messy and unhinged, just like the man himself.
Hermione moved around his desk, and slowly lowered herself into his chair.
On the edge by the books sat his quill still dipped in ink. She carefully took it out and pulled a blank piece of parchment towards her. The barn owl quill was soft under her fingers as she doodled several swirls around on the page. Her scribbles slowly formed into words.
Then one day the dream shatters and you learn your idols are no more than wolves in sheep's clothing.
Was it yourself you were referring to? Was it a warning?
I lied for you. I gave up my friends for you.
Why?
She stared at the words dripping in indigo ink before crossing them out, the quill leaving blobs and smudges from her heavy hand.
The rising anger inside her broke then and she flung the quill across the room with a strangled cry of frustration.
How blind had she been, to put all her trust in the one man. Snape had always hated her. Why did she think it was any different this time?
'I hate you,' she shouted into the empty room. She pushed herself away from the desk, his chair hitting the flagstones with a clatter. 'What do you want from me? I gave you everything, and still you want more!'
Without lifting her wand, the rolls of parchment flew off the desk, the half-empty bottle of ink following with a smash. She sank to the floor on her knees, the sounds of the bottles of dead things along the walls shattering. Glass and debris rained down on her as she curled up into herself.
A ragged hole had formed in her chest. This time, one that potions couldn't soothe.
We made it! I can't believe we've reached the end of the first act and HBP. The foundations are laid and from here out we're wandering through AU-land. I'm so excited (and terrified).
To everyone who's stuck around since the beginning, a massive, massive thank you for all your continuous support in all the big and small ways. To everyone who's recently joined us, welcome!
Let's goooooo.
Playlist:
The Night King, Ramin Djawadi
Beautiful Crime, Tamer
