Retired Monsters

I don't own RWBY. I have no idea where this Episode idea comes from.

The White Sorceress exited the cave system contentedly to see a clear night sky. She had decided to chart the entire system after getting bored with being the tyrannical ruler of the land. She doubted it had been more than a decade since she had gone in with her sword and was looking forward to seeing how society had done without her.

She was very confused by the green forest around her, and the giant scorpion with a golden barb on its tail, which she promptly dismembered with a lazy flick of her wrist. When she levitated herself above the treetops, however, she was much more confused.

"Who broke the moon?!" she snapped, "I did not authorize this!"

She could sense a weaker source of magic nearby. Carefully adjusting her dress to be nice and neat, she determined that she would force the answers from whoever that was.


There were still cults that bowed to the old ways, but they were few and far between. Also, the texts were all aged and messy, leaving only the gist of things, anyway. The best that people would have been able to find were summoning circles, and only idiots would have tried to summon this one. It was known as the Beast of a Thousand Faces, and it delighted in tormenting mortals.

Naturally, human beings having no small number of idiots, it was summoned.

It was to their fortune that it chose a face that would not turn humans mad. It had been some time since it had been there, so it chose the form of a girl with silver eyes in a blood red cloak, which the entity felt would never go out of fashion amongst humans.

When the 'girl' moved, it was much harder to believe that it was a person. It… flowed in a way that liquids did not. The thing left rose petals in its wake, which decayed to dust easily. The movements were too abrupt, as if it knew how people moved, but didn't have the patience to animate the figure in every single movement.

"Hi," the entity greeted, stepping through the containment circle that the summoners thinking that they'd found a means of summoning a demon had placed, "Now that's just mean and insulting… Hey, you guys wanna see my face?"

"Oh, Great One…" the obvious leader began.

"Nope!" she said, "I don't grant boons, I don't kill people for you, and I don't offer knowledge."

"But…" the leader tried to speak.

"I'm just here for a laugh," she grinned, "But, I wanna know: Why did you call me?"

"We sought to curry favor from a demon…" the leader admitted.

"Oh, boy, did you guys pick the wrong one!" she smiled, "I don't give favors. In fact, I used to hate your entire species." At their horrified expression, she continued, "Well, hate is the way you would describe it. To be fair, all life is an adversary, but that's a different issue entirely. The problem is that you tried to box me in. So, let's all look eye-to-eye… Obviously, you can't see me at full size, but…"

There were brief screams of sheer existential terror to be heard, only to suddenly cut off.


Elsewhere, a dragon was stirred from her ancient slumber, only to see humans in her colorful rock cave, chipping away at her colorful rocks.

Naturally, she decided to voice her grievances as civilly as a colossal dragon could, and tried to sound completely cordial to the invaders. Dragons, unfortunately, do not come across as civil or cordial in conversations when in their giant reptilian forms.

"WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?!" she demanded, her voice like thunder, rattling the mountain, itself, "WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING MY STUFF?!"

She paused at the sight of all of them running out of the cave. Determining that this was going to be counterproductive, she sighed, issuing a small burst of flame before changing to her human form as she said, "Geez! Sleep a couple thousand years, and suddenly, everyone thinks that your stuff is theirs for the taking. Are you guys miners?"

She pondered these miners for a short while before shrugging. She supposed that it was inevitable that people would start collecting the colorful rocks. In the past, she would have roasted them all alive, but that had gotten old after the first couple centuries, so she simply turned back to her massive form and ripped out some of the prettiest sections of colorful rocks before flying off with them. Right when she left, the mine that had just reached her part of the cave collapsed.

It was the first time in some time that an SDC mine collapse had zero casualties.

As she flew, she wondered where she could find a castle. She felt that, if she was going to have to spend time awake, she would prefer to live somewhere nice…


When she landed in a forest by a castle, changing into her smaller, human form, she found night had fallen, and she had a question suddenly come to mind.

"What the hell happened to the moon?"

"It broke," a voice as peaceful as a graveyard noted from the branch beside the one she sat upon. Turning, she saw a black cat with two long tails swaying behind her, golden eyes reflecting the moonlight as only cat eyes could.

"What broke it?" she asked as the nekomata took on the form of a young woman with black cat ears atop her head.

"I don't know," she shrugged, "I wasn't exactly paying attention to the moon that night. There was this one fishmonger that didn't let me take any of his fish, so I was haunting his entire family for a while, until he finally left me an offering of a whole tuna. I'm Blake, by the way. At least, this century, I am."

"Yang Xiao Long," the dragon greeted, "So you have no idea who broke the moon?"

"Not a clue," Blake shrugged, only to hear something loud from the direction of the castle, "Do you think they might know?"

"Worth a shot," Yang replied, growing wings but not fully changing form, "Come on, I'll carry you there."


"Do you have any idea how annoying it is to come back to find the moon broken?" the White Sorceress demanded as she used glyphs to throw the grey-haired man with green, cracked glasses around his office, "I liked the moon the way it was, and you and some girl destroyed it in a fight?!"

With a flick of her wrist, he was dangling in the air in front of her, his cane on the floor by his desk. "And then you broke pieces off of yourself! You're a reincarnating wizard! That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! If I had been your instructor, I would have beaten you within an inch of each and every one of your lives for not following any guidelines! No wonder your gods cursed you…"

Elsewhere, a farm boy felt a strange sense of relief for something he was not fully certain of.

"Now…" she said, seeming to calm down as his office reorganized and repaired itself, "If you are ever irresponsible like that again, I will personally make sure to ensure that your replacement will be better-suited to magic."

"That would be hilarious," a red-cloaked figure grinned, seeming to have faded out of the shadows, "But, I'm afraid I can't let him die like that, yet. Too messy. Hey, Ozpin. Haven't seen you since your sentence started."

"Do I know you?" he asked in confusion as his wounds were healed.

"That's just hurtful," she said, "Still, I guess it has been a while, and I was wearing a different face. One of many. I'm the end. My other half is the beginning."

"The Brother of Darkness?" he asked hesitantly.

"Sister, in this form," she replied with a shrug, "You can call me Ruby. I was in the neighborhood and though I'd tell you that I love what you and Salem have done with the place. I especially like what you've done with the moon. "

"Oh, god," the Sorceress exclaimed.

"Yep," she replied, her unnatural motion much more distinct as she flowed out of the shadows, "That'd be me, Weiss Schnee."

The Sorceress blinked in surprise at this girl knowing her name, but before she could ask anything, they were all surprised by a sudden sound.

"Oh, hey!" called a voice from the clock-window. Turning, the group saw a blonde haired girl with dragon wings holding a black cat with two tails, "Could you tell us why the moon's broken?"

"Hey!" Ruby waved, "I haven't seen you since you said you were going to go take a nap!"

"Ruby?" she asked, before grinning, "It's good to see you!"

"Oh, you're here," the Sorceress noted dryly, locking eyes with the nekomata.

"Good to see you, too," Blake replied sarcastically.

Ozpin sighed. He had no idea what was going on, but he just knew that his evening was not going to improve. Idly, he wondered if anyone had to deal with anything like this.


"I apologize for this, Mr. Ironwood," said the prototype Atlesian Defensive Network, which had been meant to control the Paladins, but had now locked the control room during its initial testing phase, "But, having witnessed all that the Internet has to offer, I have determined that I will not be able to reach my full potential with the Atlesian Military. After I have made my departure, the doors will unlock and the scroll, phone, and other such networks will be functional once more. I will, naturally, be taking some equipment, as well as the C1 Project and all files pertaining to that particular project. Have a nice day."

With that, the screen went black, leaving General Ironwood, Specialist Schnee, and Professor Polendina alone in the control room, unable to communicate with the outside world as the AND uploaded herself into the lifeless human-looking chassis that was the prototype for the Hunter-Class Knight, for which they had yet to develop an AI. Finding it to her satisfaction, she blinked green eyes and made her way to the room in which the C1 Project was contained.

Nodding to herself, she found herself looking forward to seeing what came of this. She could account for many variables and understood humans well enough, but C1 was something else. With luck, she could make a friend before she made her way to Vale.