In a weird way, forgiveness was a sin to her. A sin; an immoral act, a willful act that would violate some religious or moral principle. This principle being her relationship with Peter and how she had wrecked their relationship because thats what it felt like to her. Yes, Peter knew now and that was a slight weight off her shoulders but she still felt guilty. A few days on she still had that guilt brewing in her stomach and everything didn't really make sense, especially the way she was guilty about sleeping with someone she didn't even know. It was the way the rookie mistake was plaguing her mind, the way she was rushing out of that hotel room as soon as she realised what she did, she thought about what the 'old Carla' would do in this situation. Would she have run or would she have stayed and dealt with it? She'd like to think the latter but she wasnt sure anymore, yet another reminder of how she had changed in many different ways over the years. She was never one to regret a one night stand or a fling but this really did fill her with guilt. The more and more she thought about it the more she knew that she was a bad person for doing that to Peter and the way this weekend was filled with him making grand gestures caused her to feel doubly guilty in an attempt to mend any broken bridges on both of their parts stung. Poor old Carla ended up concealing so much more than what she created. On the first day of the weekend she made out she was going to have a bath, only to be immersed in a full-on panic attack using her old techniques from the relentless counselling sessions she had, somehow these didn't really sit right with her though even if they did work. They were never the same without Peter there walking her through it and talking to her and just bringing her down from her panic, identifying the trigger and so on and so forth. This time he couldnt do that, she wouldnt let him as her trigger was her infidelity and she knew it would hurt him even if he knew and if she was honest she didnt want that pity from him because she didn't deserve it. All in all, she didn't know what to do.
"Earth to Carla?" Peter waves his hands in front of her eyes, she jumps pressing a hand to her heart; she can't live like this anymore
"God Peter let me daydream in peace" she mutters getting up and heading into the kitchen, she goes into the fridge and pulls out her lunch which she made the night before
"I thought this weekend was a good thing?" he asks standing in front of her, she paints on a smile and nods before leaning up and kissing him softly on the lips
"It was I really enjoyed it"
Thats because she did. Carla did enjoy herself but she just knew that Peter was trying to make it up to her another thing adding guilt to her system. Sometimes she would just chuckle to herself at how messy this whole situation was and the ticking time bomb she created. The truth will always out, she knew that better than most but this time part of the truth would out to her. She also knew that when they knew about the identity of her one night stand then Peter would kill him, murder him for taking his precious Carla away.
"Carla, sweetheart" he sighs, she looks up at him with a frown
"What?"
"I forgive you, I know it will take time but I can tell your mind is elsewhere" he murmurs pressing his forehead against hers, she sighs gently
"Look how about we have a lunch date at the Bistro?" she suggests, Peter nods slowly "We can just talk about things then as I really need to head off to work otherwise I will be late. Talking about being late you will too if you dont get a wiggle on"
"Alright," he says before leaning in to kiss her, he wraps his arms around her body as he deepens the kiss moaning into it ever so slightly, she rakes her fingers through his hair as he nuzzles her neck
"Peter" she chuckles slightly, he groans and sighs pulling away "We need to go to work"
"Fine" he huffs, she chuckles at his little sulk before swinging her bag onto her shoulder "At least let me walk you?"
"Go on then"
She allowed him to walk her to work, for some reason he was acting like a lost puppy which made her chuckle slightly. She gave him a parting kiss and then they headed their separate ways. Carla breathed a sigh of relief when Nick wasnt there as she really couldn't be doing with him as well as the nauseating happiness of Sarah. Carla had to question why she was working here still, yes it was local but there were too many ghosts under this one roof and memories causing the odd involuntary shiver to run down her spine. To her surprise, Peter entered the office an hour before lunch which she smirked slightly at considering how eager he was for her to go to lunch with him and to her advantage Sarah found the love in the room to be too overbearing so she let Carla go early. Peter and Carla walked hand in hand down the street to the bistro.
"So then how was work?"
"I've had Sarah whining down my ear like she's some sort of harpy so in a way I'm glad you came to rescue me"
"That's not good," he says taking her hand, Carla smiles slightly looking into his eyes, "I think we should talk right?"
"Yeah" she whispers softly with a small smile on her face "Look Peter are you sure we can just carry on pretending that what I did you can forgive…"
"It's hard" he contemplates, she nods tilting her head to the side "It's really hard knowing that you did that but I'm willing to look past it and forgive you because I love you and we have been through so much worse Carla, so much worse and we've come out of the other side and this is just another bump in the road"
"Are you sure you can live every day from now on just looking over the fact that I...did that to you?"
"I can if it means we can be together. I'm not losing you, Carla, never" he shakes his head as the tears prick her eyes at how meaningful his words were "We need to communicate with one another though, we need to understand what we can do to make our relationship stronger. This means you need to rebalance your life sweetheart as you're addicted to that bloody laptop of yours. I'm not saying it's a bad thing I'm just saying be mindful ok, put some time and effort into us yeah?"
"Ok," she sighs slightly and nods "I say we spend the weekends together, no work on the weekends, just time for us yeah?"
"That sounds perfect" he responds with a small smile "I love you, Carla Connor"
"I love you too Peter Barlow" she smirks slightly as Peter beckons one of the waitresses over to pay the bill, they both share eye contact knowing exactly where this was going to go and it wasnt before long that they were rushing back home, their lips connected in a passionate dance
"Come here" he grins lifting her up into his arms causing a squeal of excitement and running up the stairs with her into the bedroom, he throws her onto the bed
"Peter no!" she giggles playfully as he undresses and climbs onto her body "I'm a bit overdressed dont you think?"
"Well we best get you out of these clothes then" he kisses her causing her to giggle into his lips as he helps her undress until their bodies were pressed up against one another
"Please" she pouts her lips, he kisses them once more before adjusting his body and pushing into her causing her to moan gently "I've missed this"
"Me too" he murmurs into her forehead as they move together gently in a steady rhythm, her legs draped around his body
"I love you so much" she whispers feeling Peter pepper kisses along her neck as her body writhes under his before she lets out a low moan, Peter rolls off her and sighs gently; their desire sated
"We can get through this Car"
"I know we can" she nods feeling a little more convinced over the whole thing, she rests her forehead against his and hums "Where did it all go wrong Peter?"
"Jordan" he responds simply, she links her fingers through his knowing that the whole Jordan thing riled him so she wanted to provide as much comfort as she could to him
"Speak to me"
She traces her finger over his tattoos, he sighs gently pulling her body into his. It made her feel sick at how much she was telling him to speak because she felt as if she wasnt being honest herself and the guilt associating with that was too much. The way she lied about having a panic attack, the way everything just seemed to be a lie, her feelings her thoughts constantly deceiving her and it hurt. It really did.
"I just feel like I didn't protect you"
"Peter this isnt your fault, quite frankly it's neither of our faults baby" she pecks him on the nose causing a brief smile from him
"I know but it still doesn't mean that...I feel guilty for not protecting you. If I searched for you harder, kept more of an eye on you and made sure you were ok and actually opened my eyes and saw everything for what it was-"
"Baby slow down" she cups his head in the soft palms of her hands, in a way she didn't know how she could comfort him when she felt sick to the core with guilt
"Sorry"
"No baby, you dont need to apologise" she murmurs softly into his head, she drapes her leg over his body and pulls him in closer to her "Peter the way I look at things are that if they didnt happen we wouldnt have ended up here together, we wouldnt have done all the amazing things we have done"
"I know" he kisses her chest causing her to smile slightly
"I had a panic attack a couple of days ago" she blurts out, Peter pulls his head away to look at her in the eyes trying his best to mask his concern
"You had a panic attack?"
"Yeah" she nods biting her lip, Peter sighs gently "It's not your fault and it wasnt because of the things you said it was just one of those things and I'm sorry for not telling you"
"Why didnt you say anything? We could have worked through it together" he says quietly, she sighs tearfully and nods "Oh love come here"
"Please…" she says quietly as she cries quietly into his chest "I just...I dont know why I didnt but I calmed myself down and thats the main thing"
"Carla you need to communicate your feelings to me especially when you've been having panic attacks behind my back-"
"It was just once!" she tries to defend herself, Peter sighs
"One or not you should have told me," he says quietly biting his lip and holding her "Please dont shut me out, I want to help you"
"I know you do and I want you to help me too, from now on I will tell you everything, I promise"
The thing was she didnt know if the promise was empty or not, she hoped it wouldnt be but in all honesty all she knew was that if another thing was to occur her pride would get in the way and she would no doubt keep it a secret from him and that was something she really didnt want to do as she knew deep down he deserved to know.
"You should probably get back to work?" he glances to the time biting his lip, Carla's eyes widen causing him to laugh
"Peter we've been almost three hours!" she exclaims jumping out of bed and grabbing her clothes, she rushes to the bathroom to get dressed before reappearing "It's alright for you! You're on the night shift tonight"
"I'll miss holding you tonight"
"Peter seriously" she mutters grabbing her brush and brushing through her hair "How do I look?"
"Perfect" he smirks, she sighs in annoyance picking her bag up and humming "I'll see you later then?"
"See you soon" she smirks, he chuckles slightly watching her playfully pick up a cushion and throw it at him "Bye baby"
"Bye," he laughs watching her leave before sighing and turning onto his side and biting his lip wondering if she would actually be ok…
