All familiar characters belong to Janet. Mistakes are mine.
I'm not sure why I can't seem to relax enough to sleep. Stephanie and I survived another bath time, with both dogs getting one first before we moved onto our daughter to keep the mess contained. Olive decided Mo and Gunny needed facials and used her mashed sweet potatoes at dinner to do the job. Being our daughter, I should have expected the unexpected and known that her attempt to hand feed them would quickly escalate to a playful exchange.
At the time, I had sent Rex a look of apology since he only requires a shavings-change and washing his water bottle and food dish. Shampooing two almost seventy-pound dogs is a punishment I may save for Santos next time. Olivia had fallen asleep after only half of her book was read to her. And I made sure my wife was wearing a very satisfied smile when I reversed our positions and she fell asleep with her cheek pressed into my chest and an arm and leg slung across my body. Maybe she sensed that I'd be in need of an anchor tonight.
In theory, I should have drifted off to sleep not long after Steph had, but that isn't possible tonight. I waited until Stephanie's breathing was deep and even to ease out from under her after I pressed a kiss to the top of her head and whisper-ordered 'Peaceful dreams only, Babe.' I grabbed the pair of sweats that I had taken off as soon as we were ready for bed and stepped into them, leaving Steph to sleep as I tried to sort through why I'm not able to. Gunner and Ammo met me in the hall and were right on my heels to see what was going on and what I was going to do next.
I didn't turn on any lights, but I don't require any. I walked to the kitchen and got a bottle of water out of the fridge before allowing the boys to have a midnight snack. I'd grabbed my cell off the nightstand and sent a text to Tank, knowing he'd be up. My company is successful not only because I'm the best at what I do, and I'm extremely picky when it comes to who I hire, but the majority of my workforce afflicted with sleep issues is a secret weapon I wouldn't wish on anyone.
My phone buzzed with a call, not an answering text. Tank must be concerned to purposely choose to talk when he has an alternative.
"Something wrong?" He asked, when I answered.
"Nothing beyond a little insomnia. I can work if something needs my attention."
"Everything's running smoothly. Steph know you're up and distracted?"
"No. This situation with her parents hasn't been easy for her. She needs her sleep."
"And you don't?"
"You know from experience that I don't, so stop acting like my mother," I ordered.
"Thank you. Mama M. is one of the wisest people I know."
"I'm hanging up now," I warned him.
The teasing died as quickly as some of our buddies had. "You really doing okay?" He asked.
I scratched Mo's head as I remembered Stephanie's smothered "Love you" that she'd said into my skin as she let sleep overtake her. I pictured Olivia's tiny hand still clutching my shirt when I had to move her from my lap to her bed. And I replayed Julie's goodnight call that we've made a nightly ritual years ago.
"Yes," I told Tank, never meaning it more.
"You thinkin' about Jaeger?"
"I'm thinking about all of them."
"You couldn't save them, but you've lived a good life for them. That's something."
"It's not enough," I stated.
"I can give you addresses to three buildings full of men just like Jaeger and Casco that we have saved, which would prove otherwise."
He's right. And I know he's right, but nights like these want to argue that I have yet to do enough for those men and the families that had to figure out how to go on without them too.
"The best thing you can do for every one of them is to be happy and make sure your family stays that way," Tank said in my ear.
I couldn't help but grin, hearing him repeat a version of Jaeger's words … 'Sir, there's not much more to life than being happy in the moment and keeping your family back home feeling the same way' he'd said as a reply to my routine 'How are you holding up?' inquiry.
"He was a good kid," I said, seeing his earnest grin in my mind instead of just his flag-draped casket.
"He was one of ours," Tank replied, "which made him one of the best."
"He's still among the best."
He may be gone, along with too many others, but he had changed the world for the better while he was here.
"He is," Tank agreed.
"Thanks."
I didn't have to explain my gratitude. I'm who he calls when it's his night to remember too much.
"Next time, wake Steph up. I can't always spend the night jawing away. I need my beauty sleep. We can't all be so pretty we can flip off some good REM time."
"Asshole," I said, but I was smiling when I did.
"If you don't tell Steph you needed to talk, I will."
Now I actually laughed softly in the otherwise silent kitchen.
"I'll pay for a ticket to that when you do," I told him. "She'll kick your ass for not waking her up yourself once she's done chewing me out for not letting her help."
"Fuck."
I'm not kidding, and he's smart enough to realize that. No one wants to be confronted with a pissed off Stephanie. She's a formidable Mama Bear, but 'Enraged Mama Bear' is a beast best left unprovoked.
"You always did fight dirty," he accused.
"And I always will. Get some sleep. Morning comes early when you don't want it to."
"Will do."
I disconnected the call and stared down at the four eyes looking up at me.
"You two should be curled up beside Olivia's bed, not shadowing me," I gently scolded.
They wagged their tails and shoved their heads under my hands again. I have hours before the sun comes back up, so I killed a couple more minutes appreciating how soft their newly-washed fur is as I re-centered myself in the quiet of the apartment before I started feeling the need to move again. I walked with my entourage back to the bedroom to check on Stephanie. She barely moved from where I'd left her except for being more on my side of the bed with her hand resting on my pillow, as if her subconscious knows I'm not beside her and had her reaching for something of mine to hold onto.
I hate admitting when Tank is right, but when Steph wakes up, I have no doubt that she'll somehow know that I wasn't in bed with her the entire night. And my wife will want answers as to why I didn't wake her in case she could have made me feel better. Just looking at her has my chest easing and my conscience quieting, so I will be able to tell her she completed that mission. I can never fully resist the pull she has over me. I crept in quietly just to press a reassuring kiss to the top of her spine that was temptingly bared to me. As much as I'd like to make use of any time she's naked, she should get to sleep as much as Olivia allows even if I can't.
I tucked the blanket further around her and put my T-shirt on the mattress beside her so she'll be able to slip into something before I let Olivia loose on her. I left our room and headed to our baby's. The boys were less inquisitive and more excited entering Olivia's sanctuary. I made a sharp motion with my hand and Mo and Gunny stopped all movement. Their heads tipped back and they watched for any more orders. I appreciate how much they love their little charge, but I don't want their exuberance to disturb her. I rested a hand on each of their heads as I walked to my preferred spot to keep watch over my daughter.
She's sleeping as soundly as her Mama is, but our baby's sleeping position seemed to have her open to hugging the world, not merely holding onto a piece of mine. She was on her back with her head turned to the right, her mouth open but no sound coming out. One hand was closed in a fist beside her beautiful face and her other arm was curled over her like it was hugging a stuffed animal that isn't actually there.
The urge to pick her up and hold her is strong, but I resisted just as I'd done with Stephanie. I eventually had to sit down just so Gunner and Ammo would settle in one spot. I let my mind go blank as I watched my mini-Steph-miracle continue on with her dreaming. Although Stephanie and I were very much together when we made Olivia, my instincts told me that Steph was completely mine because of our daughter. If Stephanie loved and trusted me enough to let me be the father of a child she had always been terrified to have, I knew we were going to band together and become a family no one could fuck with. Stephanie ruled my thoughts, my dick, and my heart, but Olivia has reinforced who I am. I'd take the world apart and put it back together again just to create a place she's safe to grow up in. I still regret that I couldn't prevent any evil from touching Julie.
I slid lower in the chair and linked my fingers over my abs, resting as much I could until morning. Jaeger, Casco, Torok, Brenig, and Liman didn't live long enough to move beyond the couple or married stage of their lives, but I know exactly what I've been blessed with. A wife that I know I could not live without, and two daughters who are already better humans than I'll ever be.
My cell read five-forty-two when Olivia began to stir. She flung her blanket one way and turned her entire body in the other direction. She then smiled and audibly giggled before her eyes moved rapidly under her lids right before they cracked open. They immediately closed and her body shifted again.
I made a mental note to tell Stephanie how essential footed-pajamas are. I've kept the apartment on the warmer side since the day we brought our baby home from the hospital, but seeing how quickly her blanket is sacrificed in her wake-up routine, I know we'll be spending part of this evening ordering another shipment of pjs. Maybe I'll tack on a holster or knife order just to keep the balance in my two worlds. Gunny and Mo sat up and I did the same. I'd reached a six count before Olivia officially decided she wanted to be up. I glanced at my cell again … five-fifty-eight. I wanted to thank her for sleeping in, since Steph has now had a solid six hours to recuperate from the day before.
Unaware of my presence, Olivia rolled onto her belly before putting one covered-foot on the floor, followed almost instantaneously with the other. She was so busy fending off Mo and Gunny licks, she didn't see me rise from the chair. I wrapped an arm around her before she could grab a toy or the handle of her door.
"Sorry, baby. You can't get one over on Daddy just yet."
The smile she gave me, and how she appeared to be hugging me yet also relaxing into me, led me to believe an escape isn't on her radar as long as she was being held. I walked with her back to my watch-post to see if she would be content to curl up against me and relax for a little longer before grabbing the day by its balls.
Gunny and Mo followed us, but my daughter was happy just cuddling into me. I rubbed her back and told her in a voice barely above a whisper all about a hero named Jaeger. I mentioned talking to her GodTank, and asked her opinion on what we should make for breakfast. She listened, snuggled deeper into my hold, and dug her pajama-clad feet into me for almost eighteen minutes before she remembered that she needed to be awake.
Her dark head popped up, and the look she gave me … only inches from my own brown eyes, had me aware that my night of self-indulgent introspection is over, and another day devoted to my daughter and the men I'm responsible for now, is about to begin.
"Daddy, go pottzie."
My lips tipped up in a genuine grin. "Good girl, Olivia. Another potty means another purple star on the chart."
"Porta starz," she said.
I kissed her head. "If your Pull-up is dry and you use the potty, that gets you two right there."
She cracked my heart open when she held up her index finger. I corrected her count by lifting her middle finger, careful not to think about the jokes Steph would come up with in response to that, and then I put her back to her feet so she could earn her stars.
I tried to be a hands-on father with Julie, but being gone a lot more than I was in the states … enter Jaeger, Casco, Liman, Brenig, and Torok again, I didn't get to experience every part of Julie transitioning from baby, to toddler, to her knowing more than we do. I was given a crash course with Olivia, and I've enjoyed the hell out of every fucking minute of it.
I got her potty chair ready for her and determined that her Pull-up had remained dry. She earned three stickers just because this morning is going as good as a kick-off to a new day in an uncertain time could.
"Ida PeePee," Olivia told me, her face scrunching forcefully with unmistakable pride.
"You did good. You're such a big girl now. Where did baby Olive go?"
She made my chest squeeze when she pushed a finger into hers. "Olib here," she informed me.
"And I'm glad she is," I told her.
I punctuated that statement with a flush before helping her wash her hands after the bathroom and her pajamas were all back in order.
"How much do you love Daddy?" I asked my baby, wanting a morale boost to completely push the night out of my mind until it grows dark again.
Like Steph had shown her, her arms flew out from her sides. "More lots," she told me.
"That's exactly what I needed to hear."
I filled her outstretched arms and lifted her up into mine.
"Now that you're ready for breakfast or maybe some playtime first, let's go see if Mama's up so she doesn't miss out on any of our fun."
