It had started as what felt like a bad habit in her teens. A skipped meal when she was disappointed with a grade, a run that burned just a little too much when she had a fight with her sister.

It wasn't a full-blown disorder then. It wasn't going to kill her. Sure, she always knew it wasn't good, but she was careful. She wouldn't let it spiral. It wasn't going to be affecting her as an adult, that's for sure. Just a teenage need for control funneled into habits that wouldn't get her caught as easily as something like smoking or self harm.

But then she was in university, purposely overscheduling classes during lunch hours and avoiding meals to "save up" if she knew she'd be drinking that night. Then med school, where the only lecture she skipped was the one about eating disorders, where she managed to ace the assignment related to it anyways. Then work. On bad days at the hospital, she was all too thankful to be on her feet for twelve hour shifts.

After starting at the Jeffersonian, she did do better for a few years. Sure, there were bad days, bad weeks, hell, even a few bad months. But she felt supported enough to let her guard down most days. Her stress levels were still high- anyone's would be with this job- but she found it was easier to cope most days.

That was, until the day they all left.

Booth and Brennan had been too scared to deal with their interpersonal issues, and instead decided to fuck off over ten thousand kilometres away, and Angela and Hodgins took that as a personal invitation to fly halfway across the world themselves. She'd even lost the interns- Daisy went with Doctor Brennan halfway across the planet, Clark had taken a job elsewhere, Wendell had lost his scholarship. And Arastoo- cute and funny Arastoo, who she had absolutely zero business thinking of that way- had even switched majors and therefore institutions.

A year, they'd all said. Everyone could do a year.

Nobody had thought to ask if she could do the same.

It spiraled out of control pretty quickly in the eight months they were gone. She noticed herself slipping into old habits within a few days, but didn't have the energy or the time to fight it. It was when they lost the Jeffersonian facilities that she felt herself truly spiral. Over the years, these people had become her life. The new family she'd learned to love, the relationships she didn't think she could remember how to breathe without at this point. She didn't always know how to show it- how to express that she cared, that she spent her days wishing that she could just take away all the pain felt by these people she loved. But the Jeffersonian symbolized those bonds. This was the place where she'd come back to Booth, where she'd met new friends who she felt like she'd known her whole life. Where she went from being driven up the wall by Dr. Brennan to wanting to fight for the woman at any chance she was given. The place where she met Arastoo. It was her home.

Without it, without that symbol of the strength she'd built, she regressed almost immediately. In what felt like minutes, she went from Doctor Saroyan- strong, dedicated, and smart as a whip- back to lonely, anxious, fifteen year old Cam, skipping meals and burying herself in piles of work. Except this time, it wasn't chemistry homework multiple grades ahead of her peers, it was reports on veterans whose brains had been bruised beyond recognition and the skeleton of an unidentified toddler lying on her autopsy table.

Now, it had been almost two years since they'd all come back, but she somehow felt like she'd aged a hundred years while staying stuck in the exact same place she'd been since she was a teenager.

She felt childish for still being angry. She felt childish for still being sick. And somehow, she felt angry, confused, sad, and relieved all at once that nobody had noticed.

She'd received a few comments here and there. Her friends often worried about how far she pushed herself with her work at times, how she seemed to always be pulling overtime when they asked if she wanted to grab dinner. Booth had joked about her picking at her food one night, and though she'd laughed it off at the table, she remembered crying until she threw up nearly every picked-at bite she took when she got home that night.

Mostly though, she just felt tired.

She was physically exhausted in just about every waking moment. From the lack of sleep, from not eating, from running herself into the ground when it came to work. Mentally exhausted too- from the constant excuses, from trying to hide how much she was struggling from everyone around her. Exhausted from never having a moment to just relax, every moment spent thinking about what or when she could eat next, how long it would take her to lose x amount of weight, how she should hold herself to avoid drawing attention from her friends. She was, at her core, exhausted.

Perhaps that was why she didn't notice how bad things were starting to get.

In her defense, she felt faint with some frequency. And she was a doctor, she knew the reasons why. She knew how to fight it, with constant hydration, electrolyte tablets to keep her blood pressure from dropping, and keeping juice or small sweets on hand for when her blood sugar got too low to handle. She was smart. She knew she had a problem, but that didn't mean she was going to let it kill her.

But this time, the faint feeling wasn't going away. She'd chugged nearly a liter of water in hopes of fighting the blackout that had been encroaching on her vision since she woke up that morning. She'd tried all the normal tricks- she'd tried to sit down, thanked the Gods for the lab's temperature control. She'd taken a salt tablet, hoping that her heart would take the memo and keep her upright. Of any possible scenario, fainting in the lab was quite possibly the worst one. The embarrassment factor wasn't even the main thing- it was the idea of people knowing. Of having to explain herself. And scariest of all, to her embarrassment, the idea that she'd have to get better.

It wasn't like she enjoyed being sick. She hated every second of it. With every fiber of her being, she wished she was healthy. Only God knows how many nights she'd spent crying and praying that she could just go back in time and learn to eat like a normal person. But at this point it was the only thing she knew- she was in her forties, and this had been her go-to coping method since highschool. She wasn't sure she was capable of learning to cope healthily at this point.

"Cam, are you alright?" Angela asked when she swayed in place for the third time during the conversation between the three women of the lab in Angela's office. Her head was foggy, and she wasn't quite sure what they'd been talking about for the last ten minutes.

"What? I'm fine, I just-" she started, but another wave of dizziness hit her like a train and she gripped the edge of the table in front of her in an attempt to stay upright.

"Cam?" Angela asked, but her voice was starting to get further away. "Oh my God, you need to sit down, c'mon-"

Angela grabbed her wrist, trying to pull her toward the nearby couch, but everything was getting floatier and darker quickly. The floor was getting both further away and closer to her face at the same time, and before she had the chance to catch herself, everything went black.

She woke up with a splitting headache and half the lab standing around her where she was lying on the floor.

"Oh, thank God, you're okay. You hit your head, I was so scared," Angela said, but Cam was still trying to process what was going on.

"What? Why did I pass out?" Cam asked, still too out of it to process the hunger that was eating her from the inside out.

"We were all talking, and you seemed distracted. Angela went to get you to a chair, but you fainted before you were able to sit down," Brennan informed her. "Have you had anything to eat or drink today?"

Cam swallowed nervously. "Of course I did," she lied through her teeth. "It must just be stress or something, I'm sorry for causing a fuss" She tried to stand up, to walk away and go back to work, but Angela stopped her.

"Cam, you literally just passed out. You don't have to apologize for anything, you need to go home. I already sent Arastoo a text, he's on his way to pick you up."

Angela was looking at her with concern, and she felt guilt eat at her deep within her soul. But her anxiety spiked at the idea of Arastoo picking her up- he could always see through her in seconds. He would know. She was certain he'd already started putting the pieces together.

"Ange, that's ridiculous- I can work, and I could certainly drive myself home if I needed to," Cam asserted, but Angela looked at her like she knew she was lying.

"Actually," Brennan chimed in. "Driving immediately after a fainting spell could be incredibly dangerous, especially one with no known cause."

"All of you can leave now, by the way," Angela announced to the other members of the lab who were in the room. "Crowding her really isn't going to help at this point."

Angela and Brennan shared a look, one that Cam couldn't quite read. However, it seemed to communicate everything necessary between the two, and Brennan left along with everyone else.

Angela looked directly into Cam's eyes, and it was so tender and real that Cam had to look away. Angela had a way of seeing everyone's soul with one glance, and it made her nervous.

"Cam," Angela said, taking her hands in her own. "I know you're a private person and all but… if there's something more going on, I want you to know that I'm here. I care about you. Everyone does."

"I'm fine," She lied again. It was her automatic response at this point. "There's really nothing-"

Angela squeezed tighter. "Please don't lie to me." She was almost pleading with her, and Cam looked back up to see tears in her eyes. "You don't have to tell me everything. But I need you to know that… I can see there's more than you want to say. I worry about you. I want you to be okay."

"Thank you," It was Cam's turn to tear up. "Thank you. I just-"

"I'm here-" Arastoo came bustling into the office, and the moment between the two died. Cam looked back down, quickly wiping her eyes, and turned to smile at her boyfriend. "What happened? Is everything alright?"

"It's fine," Cam echoed herself again. "I passed out, not a huge thing. I hit my head, but it's fine, no concussion. Just a bump, and what'll be one hell of a headache tomorrow."

Arastoo looked worried, and shared a look with Angela, who looked away quickly. It was evident he didn't know what was going on either, and that made Angela worry even more for Cam.

"Are you sure you're okay? Have you eaten today?" He asked, echoing their friends' earlier worries, and Cam was starting to grow annoyed.

"I'm fine. I'm just tired, I didn't sleep well. I'm sorry for interrupting your day," Cam apologized, and the concern on his face only grew as he furrowed his brows at her, the disbelief evident in his expression.

"Cam, you literally passed out." He reminded her. "You aren't inconveniencing me in any way. I want to make sure you're okay. Are you good to walk to the car?"

"I'm fine, Arastoo," Her annoyance only grew, and so did her guilt. She couldn't believe she was upset with her boyfriend for… caring about her? She took a few breaths, calming herself. "It's fine. Thank you."

Angela gave her a worried look, knowing that her sudden politeness was never a good sign. As Cam stood up and walked out with Arastoo, Angela gave her a hug, surprising her. In all honesty, physical affection made Cam nervous. She knew that at least somewhere in Angela's mind, she was checking to see if Cam was frail and emaciated like she thought everyone with her problems should be. It made Cam feel sick. She wasn't thin enough for Angela to notice anything, and that made her feel both disgusted and relieved.

"Make sure you grab something to eat on the way home, okay?" Angela not-so-subtly prodded, and Cam looked down at the floor. Arastoo, however, didn't grab the hint, and smiled while he grabbed Cam's hand.

"I haven't had lunch yet, I assume you haven't either. We'll stop somewhere," he smiled, and Cam weakly mirrored him. "Thanks again for calling, Angela."

Angela nodded and gave a tight smile as the two walked out of the lab. Cam was still shaky, and Angela chewed on her lip as she worried for the woman. She only prayed that she would be able to ask for help.