"So what do you wanna eat?" Arastoo asked while they drove home. The ride so far had been mostly silent- Cam felt nauseated as she looked out the window, not wanting to deal with the conversation she knew would have to come soon.
"I'm not hungry, Arastoo, I feel sick," She assured him, but she saw the way his eyes changed in the mirror. The pain so clear on his face, even though he wasn't privy to all of the details of the situation, made her want to crawl into her bed and hopefully never come back out again.
"Cam-" He sounded like a parent scolding a child, and it made her emotions stir inside her. She couldn't quite identify all of the feelings that were bubbling up inside her. She felt angry. And scared. Mostly, she felt incredibly vulnerable, and she absolutely hated it. One side of her brain just wanted to curl up and cry to him about her problems, while the other wanted nothing more than to scream, and shout, and possibly jump out of the still moving car.
Unfortunately for both of them, her short temper usually won out on days like this.
"What are you implying? That I don't know how to take care of myself?" She accused him. There was venom on her tongue, anger trying to mask the exhaustion that she felt seeping into her bones. "I'm not a fucking child, Arastoo."
He gripped the steering wheel and she flinched away from him, knowing she'd made a mistake. "Did I do something?" He asked, his voice rising louder than she'd heard it since he shouted at Finn during their 9/11 case a few months back. She felt horrible, knowing he hadn't done anything wrong. She wanted to have a reason to scream and cry, but instead she just felt like a petulant child. "Why are you angry with me?"
In all honesty, she didn't know why. She wasn't even angry at him- she was just angry. She was always angry if she thought about it too hard.
Instead of answering him, she felt hot tears begin to roll down her cheeks as she stared down at her hands in her lap. "I'm sorry," she whispered, curling in on herself in the seat. She honestly didn't know why she was like this. She wanted to be a good girlfriend, wanted to be happy and fun, but she was miserable. And she hated being emotional, being needy- this wasn't the type of woman she was. "I'm sorry. Please don't be angry."
He pulled into the parking lot as she cried. The second they were safely parked, he turned to her and rested a hand on her own. "Cam, look at me please," he was almost begging. She turned to him, her vision blurry with tears that she tried and failed to wipe away. "I'm not angry. You haven't done anything wrong. But I need you to talk to me- this isn't normal, this isn't like you. I need you to let me in, okay?"
She felt embarrassed- embarrassed about what she had to say, embarrassed that every emotion other than biting sarcasm had to be dragged out of her by force. She knew she had to tell him- she knew she couldn't push away the fact that she was struggling any longer, not if she wanted to salvage anything. But in all honesty, she didn't know how- Camille Saroyan was not a person who asked for help.
"C'mon, let's go inside. I'm sorry for shouting. We'll talk there, alright?" He said softly, and it made her want to cry even more. She didn't deserve this kind of kindness, but he was offering it so freely even after she'd yelled at him, because he was good. She didn't feel like she was good. If anything, she felt that she was selfish for putting him through all of this.
Nevertheless, she allowed herself to be led into her own living room, where she curled into the couch almost immediately- uncomfortable, exhausted, and with a headache that felt like an ice pick to the parietal.
"I'll make us some tea and get you some Advil for your head, okay?" Arastoo smiled softly, running a hand through her short waves, carefully avoiding where he knew a bruise would already be starting to form. "Just stay here. I'll be quick."
While he was in the kitchen, she ran circles around her mind trying to think of what she would say to him. Her leg bounced up and down as she thought up a list of excuses- but she just couldn't take the lying anymore. She had to tell him about the eating disorder, there was no way around it. But… what would she say? What would he say? Would he think she was weak for not being able to deal with her problems? Would he be angry that she hadn't told him sooner?
Would he force her to get better?
And she knew it was wrong to not want to be better. But the sense of emptiness that came with her illness was safe. She didn't have to feel scared or in pain when she didn't give herself the energy to focus on it. She was channeling decades of perfectionism and anxiety into this one thing. She wasn't stupid. She knew it would kill her if she didn't stop, and yet she wasn't quite sure that she could survive without it.
Her spiral was broken when Arastoo sat down beside her, setting a steaming cup of tea and two pills down on the coffee table in front of her. "So," he offered to let her start.
"So," she sighed in response, but she wasn't really sure what to say either. She looked down, suddenly very interested in the swirling pattern on the artificial hardwood tiles on her living room floor. She fidgeted with a thread on the edge of her dress, and tried to keep her heart from bursting out of her chest.
"What's going on, Cam?" He asked sincerely, and the pain in his eyes made something twist painfully inside of her. "And please, don't lie to me. Don't say it's nothing."
This was it. Here it goes. She felt sick to her stomach- was it the anxiety, the low blood sugar, or the hit she took to her head when she fainted?
Deep breaths. This was not the time to work around what she needed to say. She just had to say it.
"I have an eating disorder, Arastoo," she explained. "Anorexia. I have for a long time, and I'm just… I'm struggling so much. I don't… know what to do anymore. It's so hard."
She wasn't sure whether or not it was a mistake to look into his eyes- she saw him go through every stage of grief in seconds, pain flashing in his eyes as if he was going through every possible outcome this could have, knowing that there were very few good ones.
Before he responded with anything at all, she was being pulled into a hug tighter and warmer than anything she'd ever felt. Physical affection may not have always been her thing, but Arastoo was different. He smelled like clean soap and a summer bonfire, and his warm body and long arms always engulfed her frame until she felt completely and utterly safe, like nothing in the world could ever hurt her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair, kissing the top of her head. "I'm proud of you for telling me, okay? It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."
She absolutely hated how much she was crying today, but Arastoo was definitely going to pull away with tear stains on his shirt. She tried to burrow ever closer to him, and he held her tightly while pressing kisses into her hair and whispering sweet words that she wasn't quite processing.
"You aren't angry?" She asked, pulling away for just a second, and he swiped a tear track off her cheek with his thumb. His hands were warm and worn, the pads of his thumbs slightly rough, reminding her of his years of hard work that made them so.
"Why would I be angry?" He asked with a layer of incredulity. "Cam, you aren't doing anything wrong. Don't for a minute think I would ever be angry with you for needing help."
At that, the tears started to flow again, and she curled back into him. She felt childish once again, but she was too tired to care. She just wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be okay- she so desperately needed things to be okay.
"What do you need from me?" He asked, wanting to be there for her. She thought for a second- she'd never gotten that far. She didn't want to need anyone.
"I… I don't know." She admitted. "I'm so tired, Arastoo. Today has been way too much for me."
"Okay. Right now, what's one thing I could do that will make you feel better?" He asked, and she smiled softly into his chest.
"Come take a nap with me?" She asked. He chuckled, pulling the two of them off the couch. The two of them changed into more comfortable clothes in Cam's room- of course he already had sleep clothes in a drawer in her bedroom.
Oddly enough, she felt slightly self conscious changing in front of him. It wasn't something that'd really bothered her before- but now that he knew, she had the same worries, that he'd be scrutinizing her body, looking for evidence of what she'd told him. Looking to see if she was sick enough.
However, when she turned around, she didn't see him looking her up and down like she'd been imagining. Instead, he was fluffing up the pillows on her bed and pulling the blankets up. He smiled warmly at her when he saw she was looking at him. "C'mere," he mumbled, arms open to her, and she gladly listened. The two lay there, warm, safe, and exhausted from the emotional toll of the morning, and within seconds, Cam was out like a light.
When Cam awoke, it was mid-afternoon, and Arastoo was no longer wrapped around her like she remembered him being. In fact, when she reached her arm around, hoping for her hand to land on his chest, he wasn't in her bed at all.
Her brain immediately honed in on the worst possible scenario. Had he… left? Had he decided that this was all just too much for him?
Before her panic could spiral too far, she heard footsteps coming from her kitchen. Pulling on one of the many hoodies her boyfriend had left in her drawers, she stumbled out toward the noise, still somewhat groggy from sleep. There stood Arastoo, stirring a pot of soup on her stove in his pyjamas at three in the afternoon.
"Welcome back to the realm of the living, sleepyhead," he joked, and she rolled her eyes playfully.
"I wasn't out for that long, don't be dramatic."
"It's been nearly four hours, Cam," he pointed out. "You're the doctor, what's the line between napping and comatose?"
She laughed, and wrapped her arms around him from behind. Honestly, she would probably go back to bed and sleep for a few more hours if she had the option. "Thank you for staying," she mumbled, and he turned around to kiss the top of her head again.
"Always," he whispered in response. "I'll always stay."
They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other by the stove. For just a moment, everything was safe. She wasn't worrying, she wasn't even thinking. She was just warm and safe in the arms of the man she loved.
When they pulled apart, he pressed a kiss to her temple. "Are you good to eat?" he asked, and immediately cringed. "Or uh- do you want- er…"
"I'm not afraid of food, Arastoo," she clarified, trying to smooth out the edge she knew would be present in her voice. "You don't have to tiptoe around it. I'm not going to run screaming from the building at the sight of a sandwich."
He looked down at the floor, embarrassed, and she felt guilty. "I'm sorry," she added. "I didn't mean to snap. I'm just… yes. I'll have some. Thank you."
He smiled softly at her, still clearly slightly embarrassed by his stumble. He plated up their food- chicken soup, clearly homemade, and toast- a simple, comforting meal. Cam swallowed hard, bouncing her leg under the table as she sat down in an attempt to quell the anxiety rising within her. It was just a meal- one she desperately needed, and one that someone she loved had clearly put effort into.
"I'm sorry if I slip up. I'm trying, I promise," Arastoo admitted. "I just… I don't always know what to do. I just want to do whatever is best for you."
"I know," she assured him, taking a small bite of the toast she'd dipped in her soup. God, even that tasted like heaven on earth at the moment. "I haven't exactly been the most open with you. I don't… like sharing my needs. You aren't to blame for that."
"I know." Arastoo responded, and he was looking at her with so much love and warmth that it made her want to cry. The nerves came back quickly and at full force- she didn't feel like she deserved all of this- the kindness, the respect. The food. She chewed anxiously on the inside of her cheek, suddenly self-conscious about eating with someone else in the room, even if it was the love of her life. The dining room felt smaller than it ever had before, and everything she was wearing suddenly felt too tight and too hot.
His hand resting on top of hers brought her out of the staring spell she didn't know she'd entered, and she felt her cheeks flush red as her eyes whipped back around to look at him.
"Sorry," she muttered, not quite knowing what for.
"What's wrong? Talk to me," he responded.
"I… I don't know. Anxiety," she mumbled. "It's stupid, don't worry about it."
His brows furrowed in concern and he squeezed her hand tighter. "Your feelings are never stupid. Do you wanna talk about it or be distracted?"
She wasn't sure.
"Distraction."
He smiled, and started talking about his baseball game from that weekend. She'd missed it because of a case, but she felt like she'd been right there with how animated he was when describing it. By the end of his story about his teammate's record inning, she was laughing and smiling along with him, anxiety almost forgotten.
She looked down at her plate, and hadn't even noticed until now that she'd finished the whole meal without thinking. Arastoo noticed as well and smiled.
"Do you want any more? I cooked plenty, I thought I was genuinely about to starve to death," he exaggerated. Seeing the opportunity for the dark joke and immediately taking it, she raised her eyebrows at him, as if gesturing to herself and reminding him of the situation, and he immediately froze. "Oh my God, I'm sorry-"
She rolled her eyes, laughing her ass off at how quickly she could change the mood. "Arastoo, it's fine. It's funny. Don't feel bad."
He cringed at himself, running a hand through his dark curls. "How do you manage to make me feel awkward so easily? I thought I was the smooth one in this relationship!"
She laughed again. "You chose the package deal, and that comes with constant biting sarcasm! You signed up for this, baby."
He rolled his eyes playfully. "You are going to be the death of me someday," he promised, and she laughed. "So do you want any more?"
"I'm fine," she assured him. "Thank you."
He kissed her cheek once more, and she felt him smile into her skin. "I'm putting the leftovers in your fridge, okay?"
"Okay," she responded. Maybe this wouldn't be too difficult. She thought, for the first time in her life, that maybe she could do this, now that she wasn't alone in it.
