Featured Gaelic and Pronunciations:
Mo nighean beagan (mo nee-yehn beek-ehn) - my little lass
24 December, 2146
Glasgow, Scotland
CATRÌONA POV
Tom opened the door to the small two-bedroom flat, allowing me to step inside before him. It was decorated with Christmas decorations everywhere - Santas, reindeer, red and white all over the place, and a rather large and ostentatiously decorated Christmas tree against the window. To be honest, it was a bit sickening to see. I hadn't celebrated Christmas since I was fourteen - my last Christmas with my family. In the eighteenth century, Christmas had only recently come back, but the people of Scotland were so used to growing up and living without it that they simply celebrated Hogmanay instead, which combined Christmas and the new year. "It's a bit small, I know, but it'll do," Tom was saying as he closed the door behind me.
"It's… quaint," I said, my hand resting on my belly. The beginnings of a bump were starting to become visible, though one wouldn't be able to tell from looking at me. I knew, on the other hand - I could feel the life inside of me. Truth to be told, I didn't want it there, not in the moment. That bairn was responsible for separating Jamie and I. Had I not been pregnant, we could have left Scotland and stayed together, but this child threw a wrench in those plans. I couldn't blame Jamie for wanting to protect and save his child, but I could blame the child for being there.
"Quaint… That sounds like disappointment," said Tom, and he let out a sigh. "I'm trying, Cat. I'm trying really hard."
"I know ye are," I said back to him meekly. "It… it's fine, it's just… not what I'm used te."
"What are you used to? A cave?" Tom asked me, intending for it to be a tease, but I knew it was another jab at his abductor theory. The police had spoken to me a few weeks ago and I'd told them the same thing I told him, that I wasn't kidnapped. They'd told Tom that I'd simply left him for another man, which angered him, and once they had left, he'd demanded to know where the hell I was, but I continued to refuse to tell him. However, I supposed a cave also wasn't too far off the mark, either. "I ordered dinner to be delivered tonight so we wouldn't have to clean dishes. How do you feel about Thai?"
"Thai?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow. "Oh, like Thailand."
"You really have been away from society, haven't you?" he asked me. "Oh, no bother. It'll be here in about half an hour. You'll like it, trust me. Anyway, I put together a calendar for you so you'll be able to go to your appointments and such independently eventually. I'll still bring you to your scans, but the therapist you can see on your own."
"Scans?" I asked, my eyes widening with alarm.
"Yes, scans. You can't hide from them forever, Cat. The doctors need to see how the baby is doing," Tom replied, almost scolding me.
"Those damn things arenae gettin' anywhere near me," I said, protecting my belly with my hands.
"They are . We need to make sure the baby is okay-"
"The baby is fine," I snapped, interrupting him. "I've had two other children that were both perfectly fine and I never had any scans with them."
"See, that just doesn't make sense, Cat," said Tom, shaking his head. "Where are these other children? Why aren't they with you?"
"I told ye, I lost them. And my husband," I said back to him.
"How? In an accident? Why wasn't that ever reported?" Tom asked me, getting agitated with me.
"Ye wouldnae understand," I said dismissively, and he slammed his hands down onto the counter.
"Then tell me , goddamn it!" he shouted. "Where the hell were you, Catrìona? Where did you go? How did you manage to have a husband and children and live for eight years without ever having been found? Do you know how extensive the search for you was? Do you have any idea how much money was spent trying to find you?" I didn't answer him, nor did I look at him. "Answer me, Catrìona!"
"The stones at Craigh na Dun," I told him finally, refusing to meet his eyes.
"What about them," said Tom in a tone that didn't sound like asking.
"I… I went through them," I said somewhat meekly, and he scoffed.
"You went through them," said Tom with disbelief. "Solid stone. You went through solid stone. To what, some magical fairy land where all of your problems disappear?"
"I told ye ye wouldnae understand!" I snapped at him. "Why cannae ye just take my word fer it? I wasnae kidnapped, I didnae desert the army. If ye willnae believe me aboot the stones, then shut the hell up aboot it and leave me alone!"
"I can't do that, Catrìona, because the army is looking to indict you for desertion! Do you have any idea what that means? How long you'll be in prison for if you're found guilty?" Tom demanded from me.
"It's not the first time I've had the threat of prison over my head," I replied, and Tom let out a frustrated cry.
"God, you're so frustrating!" he shouted. "You were kidnapped. End of story. And this husband of yours killed himself and your children and you escaped and that's why you were found wandering around aimlessly in North Uist."
"I'll not lie te the government-"
"And if you go against any part of what I've just said, I will take that child away from you the moment it's born, because it will be anyway when you get sent to prison for desertion!" I silenced, sending him a filthy glare in response.
"Yer no' takin' my child away from me," I said to him venomously.
"Then do what you're told," said Tom sternly. "You have therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays at ten and you have an appointment every two weeks on Mondays to get scans done. You'll have blood work every other Friday before your appointment on Monday. Maidie will be around to make sure you go to each and every one of them if I can't be there with you." For a moment, we locked gazes, a furious flame flickering in both of our eyes.
"Enjoy yer Thai food, I've lost my appetite," I told him, turning and going into one of the bedrooms, slamming the door behind me.
I wanted out. I wanted out of that flat so badly, but it was on the eighteenth floor of a high-rise building. I felt a fish in a bird's nest, caught as a meal for the owner of the nest. Within those walls of that high-rise flat, I felt caged in, imprisoned even, and there was nothing I could do. Oh Jamie, why did you force me to come back to this hell?
January - February, 1752
CAILEAN POV
Ardsmuir Prison Grounds, Scotland
The English guards made the prisoners go out every few days to break up peat from bogs into blocks and bring them to the prison to feed the fires. The prisoners only got a few blocks per cell, which was completely overcrowded with captured Jacobites. Some of the men Cailean was imprisoned with fought beside him at Culloden - Kenny, Evan and Murdo Lindsay all fought beside him at Culloden, as had Ronnie Sinclair, Geordie Chisholm, Robin McGillivray, Robert MacLeod, Alastor MacBean and even Murtagh Fitzgibbons Fraser, whom Cailean was surprised, but glad, to see. Murtagh had been there since he was captured in 1747 and looked worse for wear, but he was alive and engaged by Cailean's mischievous ways. He could tell, though, that the old man was glad to have a familiar face, one who could tell him about his godson and his family.
Cailean was sort of the 'unofficial' leader, as he was charismatic and did what he could to keep the morale of the prisoners up. The guards hated him for that and frequently punished him, but Cailean could take it. One of his favourite things to do as a songbird was sing songs of their youth, bringing back the good days before the uprising had turned everything upside down. He was forbidden from singing in Gaelic, of course, but whistling didn't break any laws. One song that came about because of the uprising was an Irish song called 'Mo Ghille Mear', and he whistled the cheery tune while the prisoners worked in the peat bog.
"Shut it, Fowlis!" snapped one of the guards, Robert Murchison, as he whacked Cailean on the back with a stick. He and his twin brother, William, were absolute bastards who took great pleasure in harming Cailean for his minor infractions. Cailean could never resist the urge to piss off the angry bastards even more by taunting them, so once Murchison began to walk away, Cailean took his singing from whistling to actual words.
"'Sé mo laoch mo ghille mear,
'Sé mo Shaesar, ghille mear,
Ní fhuaras féin aon tsuan ná séan,
Ó chuaigh i gcéin mo ghille-"
"I said shut up , you damned addle pate!" shouted Sergeant Murchison, now taking the butt of his rifle and beating down on Cailean with it. "Get back to work!"
"Ye'll get yerself killed, lad," Murtagh hissed at him quietly, while Cailean only shook his head.
"Whatever gives the men their spirits back," Cailean replied with a heavy sigh.
He felt filthy and smelled of a man who hadn't bathed in months, and he really hadn't. There weren't any baths in prison, and the other men smelled just as badly as he did. After a while, the stink became invisible to him, but he did try to at least keep himself a little clean. Thankfully, it was winter, so he wasn't sweating all that much, but when summer came, that would be a different story. With winter also came illness, and the men coughed up sputum for weeks until some of them ran red with blood. It was an epidemic - three of the men died in one week, and Cailean became concerned when Murtagh began to cough up a bit of blood as well.
"Tha's it, get it all out, mate," said Cailean, giving him a sprig of wild rosemary to eat. "It'll no' taste verra good, but I managed te find this while we were out today. It'll help a bit. Cat always said rosemary was one of the best herbs fer inflammation." Murtagh ate the rosemary obediently, making a face at the flavour, and Cailean couldn't help but chuckle. "Isnae that a face?"
"It tastes like an auld boot soaked in pig shite," said Murtagh quietly. "But… I trust the word of yer sister. A fine woman, she was."
"Aye, she was," said Cailean with a heavy sigh. "Ye ken, there's a song aboot a sister bein' lost te the fae."
"Aye?" Murtagh asked as he continued to eat the rosemary.
"Aye," Cailean replied. "Cat wasnae lost te the fae, but she is gone…" He sat in silence for a moment before he began to sing the song:
"A phiuthrag 's a phuithar, hù rù,
Ghaoil a phuithar, hù rù,
Nach truagh leat fhèin
Hò hol ill leò,
Nochd mo chumha, hù rù…"
Cailean hadn't noticed, but a few of the men began to approach Cailean and Murtagh as he sang, eager to hear the story of the little sister lost to the fae.
"Nach truagh leat fhèin, hù rù,
Nochd mo chumha, hù rù,
'S mi 'm bothan beag,
Hò hol ill leò,
Ìseal, cumhag, hù rù…"
Little sister, beloved sister, do not you pity my grief tonight. In a little hut, I am low and narrow, without a roof-hope or a wisp of thatch. The rain of the hills streaming into it; I am a poor woman - or man, in this case, and he changed the lyric to accommodate for himself - sad and miserable. I climbed up Ben Sgrìobain and Laigheabhal Mhòr with its spotted horses. I didn't find there what I wanted - a girl with hair like a red sunset.
"Fowlis!" came the voice of the bitter Robert Murchison, approaching the door of the prison cell.
"Here te interrupt my song again?" Cailean asked the wee bastard. "Well here, I wrote one just fer you." He tilted himself slightly to the side and farted as loudly as he could, earning some chuckles from the men around him. "I call tha' one, 'Shit Stain On My Breeks', what do ye think?"
"I'll be glad for your filthy arse to be gone from here," growled Murchison. "Stand up out of that filth and come with me. The Governor requests your presence."
"Oh, I'll be dinin' with royalty tonight. Think I'll get a cooked rat, laddies?" Cailean said as he stood up, using the wall for support. "Innes, keep an eye on my mate, Murtagh, here, will ye? He's no' well."
"Aye, sir, I will," said the man called Innes, replacing Cailean at Murtagh's side as Cailean made his way to the door, raising his shackled hands. "Care te give me a hand here? I want te go te dinner lookin' my best." Murchison glared at him as he unlocked the cell door, grabbing Cailean's arm and yanking him through before closing it. "Easy, mate! I do like it rough, but at least buy me dinner first!" A few more of the men chuckled as they watched Murchison's face scrunch up further and further into annoyance.
"I cannot wait to be done with you," he growled.
"Oh, am I finally meetin' wi' the hangman's noose? It's aboot time, I'm never one te be late te a date," said Cailean as Murchison grabbed him and dragged him along with him, not replying to Cailean's remarks. "Ah, I get it, yer bringin' me te yer sex dungeon. I'll need a safe word first, how does 'tomatoes' sound?" Murchison didn't reply. "No? What aboot 'unicorn'? Ever ridden one? I have, and they are massive wee beasties-" Cailean was silenced as he was practically thrown into the Governor's quarters, surprised to see the Governor accompanied by none other than Eairdsidh Ruadh and Alasdair Fowlis.
"There he is, fine and unharmed, as you can see," said Governor Quarry to Cailean's grandsire, who glanced at Cailean. It was clear that Cailean was not unharmed - he was riddled with bruises and dried blood from injuries sustained by beatings from the Murchison twins.
"Ye can unshackle him, at the verra least. My grandson cannae possibly escape from what I am certain are verra secure cells," said the Laird.
"Aye, so I can. Murchison, unshackle him," said Quarry, and Murchison bitterly obeyed him, removing the shackles from Cailean's wrists and ankles. Cailean rubbed the marks on his wrists, glad to be free of the heavy irons around them.
"So, wha's the meanin' of this?" Cailean asked once he was free. "Comin' te pay me a visit, Grandsire?"
"Actually, the Laird of Cìosamul has come to fetch you," said Governor Quarry, surprising Cailean.
"Fetch me? Ye mean…" Cailean began.
"He has brought a letter from Captain Reynolds agreeing to keep a close eye on you. You will be on house arrest at Cìosamul Castle until further notice," said Governor Quarry as Cailean looked at his grandsire.
"Really?" Cailean asked. "But… Wait, what aboot Murtagh? Murtagh Fitzgibbons Fraser."
"Only you, lad," said Alasdair. "Sorry fer yer friend."
"Then at the verra least, get some medical treatment fer the men. They're ill, and we've lost three already. I'm nearly certain tha' Tom Christie will be the next te go, he's verra unwell," Cailean demanded from Quarry.
"We do not have the funds for such an endeavour," said Quarry, and the Laird pulled out a pouch of coin and handed it to Quarry.
"Consider this a gift te thank ye fer yer kindness towards my grandson," said the Laird somewhat firmly, indicating that he in no means meant it as such. "Use it te treat the men, and whatever's left over ye can have fer yerself. There'll be more if the men are improved when my nephew comes te check on them in a months' time." At this, Quarry's eyes lit up bright and wide.
"O-oh, yes, indeed, Your Lordship," said Quarry rather greedily, accepting the money and bowing to him. "When your nephew returns, he will find the men in excellent health!"
"He'd best do," said the Laird with a warning tone. "Come, Cailean, we must be on our way." Cailean couldn't resist one last taunt at Murchison, not when Murchison couldn't harm him in the presence of the Laird of Cìosamul.
"I'll miss ye, wee Bobby," said Cailean with a taunting smile. "I'll forever toast te yer health wi' a round of 'Shit Stain On My Breeks'!" Murchison glared furiously at him as Eairdsidh Ruadh, fed up at this point and ready to leave, grasped Cailean's arm and dragged him from Quarry's quarters.
" Enough , ye wee gabbot," he hissed at his grandson, dragging him down the hall with Alasdair in tow.
"Reynolds didnae sign any letter agreein' te house arrest, did he?" Cailean asked his grandfather once they were safely alone.
"Of course not, Reynolds has been glad of yer absence, but he need not ken aboot it. We have a letter from Governor Quarry himself agreein' te the house arrest," said the Laird, stopping them and meeting Cailean's eyes firmly. "And ye must obey it, Cailean. Yer not te leave the castle, not fer anythin'. This isnae a pardon - that may come later, if yer behaviour is well enough, so that means ye must not taunt Reynolds. He will have the power te send ye back te Ardsmuir if he so pleases." Sensing the seriousness of this request, Cailean lost the playful look in his eye and nodded.
"Aye… I'll no' let ye down, a sheanair ," Cailean replied with full seriousness.
"Ye'd better not. I can only do this once, I cannae do it again. Dinnae lose this chance. Yer children need ye, yer wife needs ye, and yer niece and nephew need ye," said the Laird, and they continued down the corridor.
"Has there… Has there been any word from Jamie?" Cailean asked quietly.
"Aye, he came in December," Alasdair replied to him. "He came te see the children one last time before goin' off. We saw him back te Oban and tha' was the last we heard of him."
"Good, good. Did he… Did he get Catrìona off somewhere safe?" Cailean couldn't help but ask.
"Back through the stones," said the Laird. "Dinnae fash aboot yer sister, he saw her safe."
"Tha'… Tha's good," said Cailean, a bit taken aback, but it was exactly what he'd expected Jamie to do. Poor Archie and Brèagha… The children of not one, like his children were, but two wanted criminals, likely never to see either of their parents again. If Catrìona was safe back in their time, he'd hope she'd stay there and raise the child she was carrying, and if Jamie had gone into hiding again, hopefully he'd stay that way. Dinnae worry a bit, Cat. I'll look after yer bairns. I'll keep them safe…
13 February, 1752
Cìosamul Castle, Isle of Barra, Scotland
"Cailean!" cried Saoirse, throwing her arms around her husband the moment she saw him. A bit meekly, Cailean embraced her back, not stopping her from grabbing his face and kissing his lips before resting her forehead against his. "Oh, thank Mother Mary… I'm so glad ye've returned!"
"Aye, I am, too," Cailean replied. "I'm so sorry, Saoirse. I should've been more careful…"
"It's nothing," she told him, then she lost her smile. "Ye smell like a hen house. Ye need a bath!" At this, Cailean couldn't help but genuinely laugh.
"Aye, so I do," he said. "Preferably before I see the children. They dinnae need te see their Da this way."
"Aye, I agree, and they're asleep just now, anyway," Saoirse told him. She was glad to be the one to wash the dirt from Cailean's bare shoulders, running her fingers along some of the scars on his back. He flinched a little, as they were still sensitive - he'd only gotten them about two weeks before from a joint flogging by the Murchison twins. "What happened?"
"Pissed off a couple of sergeants," Cailean replied. "Worth it, I'd say. It was a funny prank and it made the men laugh."
"What did ye do?" Saoirse asked.
"Tricked them into goin' into the pen of a sow in heat," said Cailean with a chuckle, but Saoirse didn't laugh. "It's fine, Sersh," he said after a moment.
"No, it isn't," she replied. "Cailean, how could you do such a foolish thing? They could have killed ye."
"But they didnae, and I did it fer the enjoyment of the other men," Cailean replied, but Saoirse wasn't having it.
"It's no' worth it if yer at risk of getting killed, Cailean. You need to learn to look out for yerself. Have ye not learned that by now? This world is full of people out only for themselves, and you should be, too."
"If I was, I wouldnae have married ye," he told her, meeting her green eyes. He reached up to touch her face and pulled the pins from her hair, watching as her golden hair fell down her shoulders.
"Are ye saying ye married me because ye felt sorry for me?" Saoirse asked him.
"Well, no, but that was part of it. You and I were both undesirables - two people who thought they found love but were rejected, then forgotten aboot. We were both shunned fer it… That shared experience drew me te ye in the first place, and once I'd set my eyes on ye fer the first time, I knew I had te make ye mine. I loved ye from the verra minute I saw ye, lass… and I'll love ye until the end of time." Saoirse couldn't help but give him a soft, shy smile, covering his hand on her face with his and bringing his hand to her lips to kiss it.
"I love ye, too, Cailean… It's why I worry fer ye. It's why I wish ye wouldn't suffer fer others… But I suppose that's one of the reasons I love you . Yer so kind and selfless… Ye dinna care what happens to ye so long as ye've put a smile on someone else's face. I imagine prison isn't ideal, of course… Any amount of joy would be welcome." She ducked her head to meet his lips, kissing him slowly, but passionately. "I'm so glad yer home, and safe where I can see ye…"
"I am, too. I thought ye'd be angry at me, even hated me fer gettin' arrested."
"It wasna yer fault. It was that bastard, Reynolds. We both knew he'd be after you, but you were so concerned about getting the children back here where they'd be safe to even consider that Reynolds would come here as soon as ye disappeared… I should've considered that, too," she replied.
"Well, nae bother now, it's all over… Everraone's safe where they should be now, wherever that is fer Cat and Jamie… I suppose house arrest isnae so bad when I've got you, and the bairns," said Cailean. "Take off yer claithes and get in here wi' me. I've not seen ye in a year and I need ye."
"There's no room in there fer us both!" Saoirse exclaimed.
"Come on, I'm a whole foot taller than ye, mo nighean beagan . Get in here wi' me," Cailean said to her, and she sighed.
"I see why yer so admired. Yer so convincin'," Saoirse replied, standing up so she could undress. Once she was down to only her shift, Cailean sat up in the tub, stopping her hands, then pulled at the strings to release her shift from her shoulders. It fell and pooled at her feet, revealing her creamy breasts to him. He raised his hands to cup those plump, bonny breasts, and she leaned her head back as he began to thumb her nipples.
"Come in here, my darlin'. The water's warm, and the air's cold," Cailean told her, drawing her into the water with him. She climbed in on top of him, leaning against him and embracing him as he wrapped his arms around her small frame and held her. One of his hands moved to stroke her hair, rubbing the soft strands between his fingers. "I've missed ye…"
"Then ye'd better hurry. The children will awake soon and they'll be wanting te see ye," she told him, sitting up to straddle him and place her hands on his shoulders.
"Let's see if I remember what te do," Cailean replied happily.
March - June 2147
CATRÌONA POV
It had been several months since I had arrived back in my time. In all that time, I had continued to refuse the scans, even as my belly grew larger and larger. Maidie and Tom had tried their best to get me to agree to it, as had my therapist, Dr. Lindsay, but despite all their protests, I wouldn't budge. I didn't want to see the child, nor did I want to risk looking at it on the screen, not until it was born. I did let them listen for the heartbeat, which they'd said was always strong and healthy. That was enough for me. As winter turned into spring, I received more visits from Maidie, and Tom was out of the flat more and more after taking on a job at the old rebellion headquarters. I met Maidie's husband, Don, who I had met a long time ago when we were both soldiers, but at the time, he had been her fiancé. I also got to meet their son, Rory, who was the spit of his father, save for his mother's green eyes.
"He certainly is a beautiful boy," said Maidie as she held her now five-year-old son on her lap. "I'm sure yours will be beautiful, too. Have you thought of names yet? You've three months to go."
"Aye, I ken," I said, resting my hand on my growing belly. Truth to be told, I hadn't thought of names. I thought about naming it Brian for a boy or even Brianna for a girl, after Jamie's father as he would've liked, or even after his mother - and mine as well - but I cast that thought aside quickly. Thinking about naming this child without Jamie hurt me even more. Tom talked about names as well, wanting to call it Gloriana for a girl, after his mother, or Joshua after his father, while I only nodded my head and said 'maybe'. "I… I think I'd like te meet it first, before givin' it a name…"
"Fair choice. I'd been settled on Owen fer Rory when I was pregnant with him, but when I held him in my arms and looked into those sweet little eyes… I realised that he wasn't an Owen, so I settled on Rory, after my grandfather," Maidie replied. "He looked like my grandfather, last time I'd seen him. I'd only been a girl…"
"Did he live in Wales, too?" I asked her.
"Aye, all of my family did, save for my father," said Maidie. "He came to Wales just to travel, then met my mother and that was that."
"Such a lovely story," I said back to her.
"How did your parents meet? They were both in the first rebellion, weren't they?" Maidie asked me, and I glanced up at her.
" My parents?" I repeated. "Aye, they… They met at war. My father was injured and she was the nurse who was treatin' him. All he did was crack jokes and made her laugh, even when she was pulling a bullet out of his backside and stitching him up. He never flinched, and she said that when she realised he could find a reason te laugh even with a bullet up his arse, then he was the one fer her."
"Oh, how sweet," said Maidie kindly. "I wish I could have met your parents… They seemed like they were very good people."
"Aye, they were," I replied, glancing down at my belly when I felt a small kick. "I… I dinnae think I'm feelin' verra well. Do ye mind if I… go and lie down fer a bit?"
"Oh, not at all," said Maidie. "Are you all right? Do you want something for it?"
"No, I'll be fine, just a… small headache. It'll go away with a kip," I replied as I stood, making my way to the bedroom and closing myself in. I glanced at the bed - a rather large one meant for two people. Two people did occupy it, but one of them wished they didn't - me. Tom insisted we share a bed despite my discomfort, wanting us to go back to the way we were before, but what he couldn't understand - or wouldn't - was that we could never go back to the way we were before. I laid down in that bed, glad to be alone, and rested my hand on my belly, feeling another kick. "Yer a kicker, arenae ye?" I asked my belly. "Yer brothers were, too… Archie and… and Brian… I wish I kent where they were… Maybe ye've met them, wherever ye were before." I paused for a moment, feeling another little kick. "Yer Da would be so proud of ye, sittin' there thrivin' and growin' like a weed… He would have wanted te be there, te be the first te hold ye, but he willnae. Instead, ye'll be held by another man that isnae yer Da…"
Suddenly, I heard the sound of a chirp, and I glanced up at the window to see a small starling perched on the flower pots outside of the window. I stood up and approached the window, watching the little starling chirp away. Evidently, it had decided to make its nest there. I opened the window, expecting the starling to fly away, but it didn't; I reached out a hand for the little bird to hop onto my finger and it did, seeming to look right into my eyes. I smiled at the wee bird, my other hand resting on my belly. "We're not alone after all, are we, weeun?" I said to the bairn in my belly. "No… We've got each other."
As March turned into April and then May, I grew bigger and bigger, my due date approaching rapidly. We didn't know exactly how far along I had been, so the doctors put my due date at anywhere between the twenty-first of May and the twenty-first of July. Come when yer ready, my wee lamb , I thought to myself. Dr. Lindsay had started to prepare me mentally for the birth, seeming to not believe that I felt perfectly all right with what was to come. She thought I disliked the child because I wouldn't get scans, but that couldn't be farther from the truth - the more this child grew, the more I began to love it. It was a piece of Jamie, still living there inside of me, still loving me through this child that would love me unconditionally, as he did, still a piece of him for me to love and cherish, still something to live for. So long as this child lived, Jamie was never far away, and I began to eagerly await the day that I could hold this child in my arms.
21 June, 2147
My waters broke around one in the morning, the pains following behind shortly. I awoke to an empty bed, standing up only for the fluids to rush down my legs. Where was Tom? With the fluid still leaking down my legs, soaking through the pyjama bottoms I wore, I made my way out of the bedroom and into the living room, where Tom was working at his desk. "Tom?" I asked him, and he turned his head, peering at me through his glasses. His eyes widened when he realised my bottoms were soaked. "My waters have gone."
"They have? The baby's coming?" asked Tom, now with alarm. "All right, we won't panic."
"I'm not," I said rather calmly.
"Dr. MacGillivray said that it could still be a few hours before the baby comes," Tom continued as if I hadn't spoken.
"Tom, I have a history of difficult births. I've given birth three times, this'll be the fourth time, it'll be quick," I told him.
"Three times? I thought you said you only had two children," Tom asked me.
"I… I lost one… She was stillborn," I said. "Anyway, we need te go now. The first one takes the longest, but they come quicker and quicker as ye have more."
"All right, all right! I'll grab the go-bag. Er… Change into something dry and we'll go," Tom told me, and I agreed, not wanting to leave the flat looking as if I'd pissed myself. Tom rushed me to the hospital quickly and I was immediately brought up to labour and delivery. Seeing as how I couldn't protest due to the pain of labour, Dr. MacGillivray took the chance to finally do an ultrasound on me, although it was quick.
"The placenta is blockin' the birth canal, we have te take this te the theatre," said Dr. MacGillivray to one of the nurses, who nodded.
"What? No! I want te have the bairn here! I want te hold it as soon as it's born!" I cried out.
"I'm sorry, lass, but ye cannae. We have te put ye under fer this, I'm afraid," said Dr. MacGillivray, a kind look in her eye. "I know ye want te be the first te hold yer child, but ye cannae do that if ye bleed out. Will ye let us operate?"
"Cat, let them," Tom told me, wiping a bit of sweat from my forehead with a towel, and after meeting his concerned gaze, I nodded, then was taken away to surgery…
The darkness faded back into light, and suddenly, I heard the sound of splashing. Was I… near a fountain? I turned my head, following the sound, and saw a waterfall over a pool of water, by which I was seated. A waterfall? What the hell was I doing here?
"Ye always liked the Falls of Falloch," I heard a voice say suddenly, surprising me, and I turned my head to find the source of the voice. Out of a bright light in the woods came a tall woman with red curly hair and emerald green eyes, dressed in a white dress and a white shawl draped around her shoulders.
"…Mam?" I asked, and the woman smiled kindly, her face growing clearer. It was my mother all right, smiling kindly at me, looking younger than I'd ever seen her. She approached me, and as she drew closer, I stood up, matching her height with my own. I was frozen in place; She reached out a hand to gently touch my face. It felt warm, and a bit moist, but like her sturdy hand, and I leaned into it.
"You've grown so much since I last saw ye, hen," she told me.
"Aye… Sixteen years is a… a long time," I said back to her.
"Come, have a seat," said my mother, sitting down on the stone again and patting the spot beside her. I sat down next to her, still in awe that she stood before me.
"Why… Why am I seein' ye? Am I… am I…"
"Dead? No, hen, but yer havin' trouble on the operatin' table," she told me. "Ye had a placenta previa and the placenta ruptured on yer way. Ye fell unconscious almost immediately. I'm just here te keep ye company, while ye make the decision te stay or go."
"Go?" I asked her, and she nodded, directing my attention to the bright light she had emerged from. "Is that…"
"It's what ye think it is," said my mother as I turned my attention back to her.
"I… I could be with Jamie…" I said quietly.
"Aye, ye could, or ye could stay here, with yer bairn," said my mother. "Whatever ye choose - it's yer choice."
"Jamie… I… I could be with him… It's been so hard, Mam," I told her.
"Aye, hen, I ken it has. I ken what it's like. I was without yer father fer so long while he was in prison. Fifteen years is such a long time te be without the love of yer life," she told me.
"Is he…" I said, glancing towards the light again.
"He's there, waitin' te greet ye, if ye choose te go through," Mam replied.
"But… not if I dinnae," I said, and my mother nodded. "And Calum… Alasdair, Uilleam and Iain…"
"Aye, them too."
"And… and Brian and Faith…"
"They're waitin' te greet ye, too." It was tempting. Everyone I'd ever loved was there waiting for me on the other side of that light.
"Did ye choose?" I asked my mother.
"I didnae have a choice. Sometimes, yer lucky enough te get the choice. I'd have chosen te stay with you and yer brother, were I given it, but in my case, I didnae have the choice. A bullet through my head made that choice for me," she told me, seemingly amused, which annoyed me.
"Tha's not funny," I said a bit sharply. "Mam, yer dead… I watched ye die, how ye died isnae funny."
"Of course it isnae, but I've accepted it," Mam told me. "As has yer Da, and yer brothers. Yer children, too. Ye have children on both sides, just like I did."
"Ye… ye think I should stay," I said to her.
"I'm not here te tell ye what te do. I'm only here te support whatever decision ye make," she replied, covering my hand with hers. "Whatever choice ye make will be welcome, but it might not be from both sides." She meant the child I was carrying. If I died, I would be welcomed by my family and my other children, but I'd leave behind my surviving child. Would Jamie ever forgive me if I did that? Left his child in a strange world, with strange people, leaving it behind so I could have what I had lost again?
"I cannae go," I said. "I want te, so badly… but I cannae go, can I?"
"Tha's up te you," she told me, touching my cheek again. "Ye've grown into such a strong, beautiful woman… Yer father and I are so proud of ye. We're proud of yer brother, too, and the things he's achieved. Ye've both done so well. Ye can face anythin'."
"It… it means a lot te hear that," I said to her, feeling tears stinging my eyes. My mother wiped them away, the same way she did when I was a child.
"Shh, dinnae weep, lass," she told me sweetly. "It's time te go, mo ladhran . Ye've got someone waitin' te meet ye."
"Wait, no," I said to my mother. "No, Mam, I'm not ready… I'm not ready fer ye te go."
"Oh, dinnae fash, sandpiper. Though ye cannae see me, I'm always with ye," she told me as she stood. I stood as well, then embraced my mother as tightly as I could. She felt real and solid, but also like a ghost, as if she weren't there at all. "I love ye, mo ladhran . Yer father loves ye, too, and yer brothers. Brian and Faith, they love ye, too… Keep bein' the strong lass that I ken ye are." I pulled back from the embrace to meet my mother's eyes, but she was no longer there, nor was the roar of the Falls of Falloch. It was dark again, and suddenly, I could hear the beeping of a heart monitor…
Slowly, I opened my eyes, still intensely groggy from the anesthesia, and the first thing I saw were a pair of excited green eyes framed by golden hair above me. "She's awake! There you are, anwyl !" Maidie exclaimed excitedly, her face clearing up as I opened my eyes.
"My… my bairn…" I muttered. "Where… Where's my bairn?" I heard the beeping increase in speed as I began to panic. Where was my child? Did it die? Would I not even get to see my child? Where was my child?
"She's right here, darling!" I heard Tom's voice shout over the beeping, and I looked up to find him rushing to my side as Maidie stepped aside, a white bundle in his arms. "She's right here, and she's perfect." I reached out my arms for the little bundle as Tom gently placed it into my arms, and then my eyes fell upon the sweet face of my newborn daughter, a soft fuzz of red hair on her head. She fussed a little, her small hand popping out from the blanket she was wrapped in.
"Oh, a leannan …" I muttered, raising one hand to gently touch her face. Her little hand grasped my finger and then her eyes opened, as blue and as sunny as a cloudless sky. "There ye are, my darlin'… My sweet lass…"
"She's so beautiful," I heard Maidie say as Tom sat down on the bed beside me. "Congratulations to both of you!"
"Thank you, Maidie," said Tom with a smile, looking back down at my daughter in my arms.
"She has his eyes," I said quietly, noticing the slight Fraser slant of them. I glanced up at Tom, who seemed to have frowned at the remark, but then erased it from his face when I looked up at him. "She's so perfect…"
"She is indeed," said Tom, now giving me a smile. "Our perfect girl." He bent his head to kiss her creamy forehead, then paused to meet my eyes. Surprisingly, it was me who took initiative - I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. It was a moment of euphoria, pure bliss from holding Jamie's daughter in my arms for the first time. I didn't mean for it to be directed at Tom, but I couldn't help it - for the first time since I'd gone back through the stones, I was happy.
"Have we decided on a name fer the wee lassie?" came the voice of a nurse who came into the room.
"Oh, I dunno," said Tom. "What do you think, darling?"
"She needs somethin' original, somethin' only hers… She's a unique girl, and she needs a unique name, not someone else's," I said, pausing in thought and thinking of the first name that I hadn't heard in some time that came to my mind. "Maevis. She looks like a Maevis."
"Maevis?" asked Tom, apparently not overly fond of the name, but wanting to appease me. "All right, then… Maevis it is, then."
"Aw, what a pretty name," said Maidie, standing over me and looking down into wee Maevis's face. "Hello, Maevis! Welcome to the world, little one! I'm yer Aunt Maidie!"
"Maevis Anne Bridget Fowlis," I said, stopping there on the name.
"Shouldn't it be Randall?" asked Tom, but I shook my head.
"No," I said a bit firmly, looking down into my daughter's face. "She's not a Randall, she's a Fowlis, and she'll stay a Fowlis." I heard Tom let out a sigh - now that I'd finally kissed him, he didn't want to risk upsetting me again.
"All right," he said, nodding to the nurse. "Fowlis it is."
"All right, Maevis Anne Bridget… Fowlis," said the nurse as she scribbled the name down on her clipboard. "What a perfect name! Now, Mr. Randall, I need ye te come and sign some… important documents."
"Important… Oh . Right, yes, I'll be right there," he told the nurse, who nodded before leaving. "I'll be right back, darling, all right? I just have to go and sign some paperwork." I nodded, accepting a soft kiss from him before he left.
"Bonny wee Maevis," I said as I touched my daughter's face. "Yer so perfect…"
I hadn't put Maevis down since the moment Tom put her in arms. Every time she wanted to be fed, I fed her, and when she fussed, I rocked her in my arms and sang softly to her until she fell asleep. I changed every nappy she had, with Maidie, Tom, or a nurse disposing of the dirty one for me. "You should probably put her down for a bit, Cat, so you can get some sleep," Tom told me, his voice filled with genuine concern, but I shook my head.
"No… I dinnae want te," I said. "I'm not even tired. I just want te hold her."
"I can't blame you. She's such a perfect little thing," Tom told me, sitting down in a chair beside the bed. "Cat, I… I want to ask you something."
"Hm?" I asked, lifting my head to look at him. He then produced a small box from his pocket, opening it to reveal the engagement ring he'd once given me inside. "Tom…"
"I know you said that things will never be the same… but Cat, I still love you. I always will. I want to be here for you always, for both you and for Maevis, and I want to do that as your husband," Tom said to me. "Will you… Will you marry me? Please?" I paused to think, looking first at the ring and then up at the desperate look in his brown eyes. I felt so terrible for him… I'd promised to love him forever, only to disappear, fall in love with another man, start a family with him and then come back and tell Tom I didn't love him anymore. This poor man… I'd put him through so much hell - I didn't even let him name the child that he and I agreed to raise together. The least I could do was give him something that he wanted.
"All right," I said quietly. "All right, I will... I'll marry ye."
