Chapter 3: Muladhara
My brain begged for respite, but I didn't want to give up. I had only been given so much information last night and I wanted to understand what that meant. As I delved deeper into the internet, it was obvious that there were so many levels to this and I had no idea what was true or what even pertained to me. Whether it be ego or a blind eye, I felt like I was normal. Even as I read about the chakras and what the signs of blocked energy were, I didn't think I was blocked. I came to the conclusion that Joseph had to tell me what he saw last night... my anxiety led me to nearly stand and pace across my bedroom.
How much of this do I really even believe? I groaned, pushing away from the desktop to stand and stretch. I need to take a walk...
I left the house, stuffing my hands into my jacket pockets after pulling my hood over my head. I inhaled the lingering scent of petrichor as wet gravel crunched under my shoes, feeling less constrained than I had in the house. The sound of a idling engine reached my ears as I watched the sky, the faint sound of bass vibrating from a speaker followed. I knew that sound... As I focused my eyes forward, I could see Cara in the distance with Mrs. Greer on the porch. Remembering what Cara had told me, I deducted that Mrs. Greer must fill in once in a while when Cara requests.
Cara finished notifying the caregiver of when she would return tonight, then bounded for the car. She carried a large box full of peach and white flowers with splashes of dark greenery around to the passenger side of the Mini. She wore a charcoal gray dress that cut off at her knees in asymmetrical ruffles, strapless with a thin black ribbon tied around her body, just under her breasts. Her hair was loosely curled, blowing wildly in the wind along with her dress. My breath hiccuped in my throat at such beauty that resembled yet rivaled The Birth of Venus.
She was on a mission, all but sprinting to the driver's side and jumping through the window. She quickly situated herself inside, buckling her seat belt as she pulled out of the driveway. My wolf paced, itching to run after her and tag along. As she passed, she slowed momentarily, giving me a warm smile and a small wave. I returned both with my own, turning to watch as she traveled further down the road. My wolf was fighting against me again, but as Cara put more distance between the two of us, I could feel my wolf settle.
Not knowing how much longer I could handle not knowing, I headed for Joseph's. I knew that the next time I needed to deliver groceries for Ms. Siler, I may not be so lucky to escape without hurting Cara. The more I thought about that night, the more possessive my wolf grew. The innate urge escalated.
I can't stay away forever.
Under any other circumstances, I would have arrived when I was supposed to, but this was far too urgent. I hoped that he wouldn't be upset, but I had to know. As much as I wanted to keep a rational viewpoint, there was a little voice poking and prodding. What if? What if? What if?
What if there's a chance this is serious?
As Cara's face flit through my mind and I knew that regardless of my views... I would challenge them if it meant there was a hope. The tiniest snippet was all I needed. Confirmation that this wasn't a waste... that I wasn't a lost cause.
I gently rapped on the front door, holding open the screen door with my body. When Joseph answered, there was no look of shock, but amusement.
"What happened to resting?"
The corners of my lips turned up in a nervous smile as I shrugged, attempting to be nonchalant. "Eager beaver."
"Hmm." He nodded, standing aside to motion for me to enter.
I stepped into his home, noting the fading smell of sage. That one I recognized; my mom liked to burn it in the house at least once a month. In the light, things looked different. Maybe it was that the circumstances deviated, now that I had come of my own accord. I definitely felt better as I stood in the living room. All the exhaustion I had previously felt was rejuvenated with a sense of growing curiosity.
"Come with me to the greenhouse." He stated, brushing past me as he pulled his long hair back into a low ponytail. "We can talk as I prune."
I followed, attempting to make conversation as my eyes wandered around his house. "I saw Cara again today."
"So soon?" There was the surprise that was missing at the front door.
"I didn't approach her... The night I first saw her, she was with a bachelorette party. I saw her leave. I think she was on her way to the wedding." I informed him as we passed through the back sun room and into the greenhouse that was attached to it.
"I see." He nodded, picking up his handheld pruning sheers to clip at branch of sage. "And how did your wolf react?"
"The same... I wanted to chase the car and protect her. It only improved as distance was put between us."
"Interesting..."
He focused on his gardening and I became antsy as I looked around. It seemed rude to outright say what I had come for, but I needed to know.
"I know you've come here for a reason, Embry." He declared. "You have questions and it is more than okay. Ask, my son."
"It's been driving me insane... What did you see when you read my energy?" I blurted.
He inhaled deeply, the gentle snip of the scissors continuing as he cut clippings of sage. "A lot... but you know yourself better than anyone, Embry. What do you think I saw?"
I shrugged, blinking exasperatingly. "I-I-I don't know! Aren't you supposed to tell me that?"
"If I do, how will you ever learn anything?" He glanced up at me with an arched brow. "If you wish to achieve balance, this is where it starts." I snorted, earning a pointed look as he stood straight. "You want to be near Cara without turning, don't you?" I glanced down guiltily. "Then tell me what you think I saw."
I sighed, sitting down on a crate as he bent over to clip more of the plant. I was silent, attempting to really think of what could be wrong.
"I don't know where to start..." I groaned, rubbing my eyes, then sliding my hands down my face.
"Anywhere. The more you can own your fears, your trauma, recognize your issues... it won't be so difficult for you to find peace."
I looked up at the roof of the greenhouse, dirt and wear settled into the bones and a milky film over the panes. With a deep sigh, I let myself speak without overthinking what I was saying.
"Being a wolf has changed everything for me... It was hard enough to be raised by a mom only. I was teased for being too sensitive, too shy... being the bastard of the Rez." I focused back on the ground. "I thought I trusted my mom... until I phased for the first time. Up until that point, I believed her when she said that she didn't know my father well and lost track of him."
Joseph moved onto the lavender plant across from the sage. "Uh-huh... How did that make you feel?"
"Angry... I was furious. With my mom, whomever my father is... everyone..." My lips set into a deep scowl as I continued to recall. "I hated being a wolf."
"Dig deeper."
"I focused my rage on the threat at the time, a vampire threatening Bella Swan's life. Ripping apart the newborn army seemed to help, but a part of me is still so angry..."
"Deeper."
"I wanted to hunt him down myself."
"Him who?"
"My father..." My left leg shook as I felt my rage built. "How could he? Even now... How? How the fuck is any of this okay? Day in and day out, I go through the motions as well as I can... I try to be normal. And then all of this shit happens... and I can't even have a normal fucking imprint!" I growled, standing to grab the crate I was sitting on and chuck it at the wall.
The sound resonated as the greenhouse trembled with the force. The panes rattled as if they quaked in fear of me. Quickly regaining my composure, an instant regret settled in the pit of my stomach at having lost my temper so easily. I turned around, holding up my hands, but I was shocked to see that Joseph continued to shear his plants as if nothing had transpired.
He briefly glanced up at me, unfazed. "Feel better?"
I nodded, turning red as I rubbed the back of my neck. "Yeah..."
"You wanted to know what I saw? What I felt when I read your energy?" He gestured to me as a whole. "This. Hurt, anger, fear, inadequacy... all veiled with the illusion of control and distracted with compassion."
"Is this why my wolf is out of control around Cara?"
"Maybe." He shrugged. "Maybe not... but if you cannot be in harmony with your wolf, an accident will happen whether it be with Cara or someone else you care about." He entered the house with his clippings wrapped in a towel and I followed. "Whether you like it or not, you and the wolf are one. You cannot go on treating him as if you are two different souls. You are one and the same. That is the way the Great Spirits have made it. It does not make you better or any less than anyone else, human or otherwise."
"I didn't think I was..."
"It is something that has been lost throughout the generations. As the threat of the Cold Ones lessened, so did the need to teach our decedents these things. Of course, every young Quileute is told the story... but those of you that have had to change haven't been taught how to be harmonious with your wolf. You and the rest of your packs have an understanding with your wolf to protect, but there is nothing more. That is why in circumstances of great fear, anger, and pain... your wolf takes control. There is a lack of balance." He prepared the herbs to be dried out. "In my strong opinion, each of you wolves should sit down with me, but the rest of the tribe has not seen any recurring issue to mandate it."
My voice was hushed as I looked down at the vintage linoleum. "Will I be able to do it? Connect with my wolf?"
He nodded, never taking his eyes from his task. "As long as you shed the ego and listen to me... you will."
I wet my dried lips, looking up at his turned back. "Thank you."
He glanced at me over his shoulder, his eyes crinkling as he smiled, nodding at me. We lingered in the silence as Joseph finished what he was doing. I knew that this must have been what Sam had gone through and why he always seemed to remain cool and collected. Not only did it come with the job description, but I couldn't imagine the panic, the fear that must have wracked him when Emily had been hurt because of him. If he hadn't come to Joseph, he may never have forgiven himself or even had the courage to be around Emily afterwards.
I won't ever hurt Cara. I silently vowed.
The front door opened, a recognizable voice coming from the front room. "Sorry, I'm a little late! Patrol took a little longer than expected."
I was taken aback, blinking rapidly as my packmate came around the corner. "Leah?"
"Embry?" Her brows knitted together as she entered the kitchen. "What are you doing here?"
"I think I should be asking you that question."
"She's my apprentice." Joseph spoke, turning to face the both of us. "And Embry is here to unblock his chakras and connect with his wolf."
"Ah." She nodded, poised.
It was obvious that I was the only one rattled from the situation. When I decided to continue this "journey", I was under the impression that it would just be with only the aid of Joseph. I had to concede, the apprenticeship made me curious... Had Leah done this? I would assume that Joseph wouldn't take her under his wing unless she believed. A part of me relinquished a shred of rationalization at the thought. If Leah believed in this, there had to be some worth to it. It wasn't like Leah to believe in fantasy.
"Here, let me." Leah told the elder, taking over what he had been doing at the counter.
"Thank you." He nodded, stepping away to lead me back to the room I had been in the night before. "Come, son. Let's begin."
Joseph prepared me for the meditation, having me practice something called grounding. I wasn't sure how to feel, or if I was even doing it right, but I persisted silently, too afraid to make a mistake. I visualized the energy from my body swirling across my frame, as if I was transparent, then pushing the energy downwards until I could "see" it take root beneath me.
"You're doing great." He assured me, placing the singing bowl between us on a small table, then handing me the clear quartz and black obsidian he had the previous night. "How much do you know of chakras, Embry?"
"Not much." I shook my head. "I did a little research this morning, but truthfully... it made my head hurt to think about."
He chuckled softly. "I see. Well, how about I put it in layman's terms." He inhaled deeply, straightening his spine as he continued. "Each chakra is a powerhouse of energy, and all of this energy can either be blocked, open, or overactive. When each of the seven chakras are open, they create a flow that puts our bodies and spirit into perfect harmony. When they are blocked, it is obviously the opposite. We have trouble with feelings of security, sexuality, compassion, passion, and intuition, to name a few. Harboring our emotions can disrupt this flow and block our chakras, and feeling too strongly or smothering in some cases can mean they are overactive."
"Is it possible to have more than one? Have some open, blocked, and overactive all at once?"
"Absolutely."
"What do I have?"
He sighed softly. "Your energy is a bit of everywhere, but the largest issue we face is the muladhara."
"The mulad-what?" I shook my head.
"Muladhara, your root chakra." He gestured downwards from his stomach. "It is located at the base of your spine and associated with the color red."
"Okay... but what does it do?"
"It is the energy center for stability, security, and our basic needs. This chakra is a combination of both our physical and emotional needs. One of the most common ways this is damaged is when our sense of belonging has been threatened or experienced as traumatic. It leaves one feeling insecure and ungrounded." He pointed to me, both of his hands pressed together at the palms and the index fingers extended towards me. "I am assuming yours may have already been damaged from being raised without a father. As much as you may hate to admit it... I'm assuming it left you feeling a tad insecure. And that only proved to worsen after the shift, now being faced with the confirmation that your father could indeed know who you are and still not have come forward."
I remained silent, lips pursed. I didn't want to admit it, but he had hit that nail on the head... and that left me with a sense of anger as old wounds were reopened. I knew he didn't mean to do so, but it didn't divert the emotions coursing through me.
"All of this anger, the lack of security you've felt... it's damaged your root chakra." He placed his hands back on his knees, rubbing his thumbs at the denim. "And before any other healing can take place, the muladhara must be balanced. If you don't remove the blockages in your root, no matter how hard you attempt to open the other chakras, they won't. Because the flow is disrupted. And without the proper foundation, the temple falls."
I nodded as he ceased his explanation. I could tell that he was gauging my reaction, but he couldn't because I wasn't even sure how to feel. I didn't want to run and there was no little voice warning to do so. If I even dared to think of leaving, I was assaulted with Cara's face. Her smile with the left tooth next to central incisor shifted further towards her canine to create a sliver of space in her otherwise straight grin. I loved the tiniest imperfection just as much as I did the beauty mark under her left nostril. The image of her beauty sent a tremor of warmth through my body and the corner of my lips turned up.
"I'm ready."
Author's Note:Hello, dear readers! I wanted to wait until now to insert an author's note, just in case this story flopped. I want to thank you so much for that not being the case! After taking a several year hiatus, it means so much to have readers on this story. Please, keep leaving your reviews! I love getting feedback from every single one of you!
I know we are all eager to see which way this will turn, and I hope that I do not disappoint! Buckle up, readers, this only the beginning. ;)
P.S. If anyone is interested, I would be more than happy to share the playlist I have created on Spotify just for this story. Either shoot me a message or express your interest in a review.
