Chapter 5: Independence
The next week was unbearable. Between my wolf in a constant state of unrest and the deafening warble of Cara's unborn child in her womb, I was unable to ground myself. Every lesson Joseph had given me on how to settle my energy, how to ground myself enough for meditation, had been inadvertently tossed out the window. I had delivered the groceries to Cara the previous Saturday, that doing nothing to unravel the sickening knot in my stomach. As much as I hated the idea and myself for doing it, I listened in on each conversation she had. Who was this man that had gotten her pregnant? Was he still around? Was she spoken for? Each question and the possible answers made me dizzier than the previous.
"You can't continue on this way." Joseph sighed as I leaned to the side, emptying what little contents of my stomach I had into the grass. "This is certainly not easy, but you must relearn to ground yourself."
"If I just knew why..."
"The 'why' doesn't matter. The point is that it has happened and that it is a part of the Great Spirits' plan for you. This has happened and it was supposed to. You need to look at what lesson this is teaching you."
I took the handkerchief Joseph held at arms length for me, wiping away the wetness at my mouth. "Lesson? A fucking lesson?"
"As much as you and everyone else hates to hear it, each and everything that happens in our lives is to teach you a lesson. Whether that lesson may be good or bad."
"It's bullshit." I grumbled, leaning back on my hands, being sure to stray from the pile of bile next to me.
"That's your job these next couple of weeks. Any blessing or hiccup that happens in your life, try not reacting so quickly and put some thought into 'what is this teaching me?'. I think you might be a bit shocked at what you find."
At this, I shook my head. I had been open minded until now. What sort of power could the spirits truly have over life if we were supposed to have freewill? No, shit happens and we just go with it. That's how it is.
"Let's just try again." I mumbled, closing my eyes as I straightened my spine and crossed my legs.
Joseph didn't speak, but the disappointed sigh was exaggerated by intention. I ignored it, choosing to block out the smell of vomit next to me and the twisting sensation I received in my gut in response to my actions. I halfway focused, letting my thoughts drift back to Cara. As much as I disliked the idea of her carrying someone else's child, I fantasized about being the one to care for her. To rub her feet when they were sore, to make those special three A.M. trips to satiate her cravings, to hold her hair back as she struggled through morning sickness... It sent a chill through my body and roused my wolf. A low growl rumbled in my throat and slipped through my lips.
"Don't fight him." Joseph instructed, speaking in a voice so low that it was nearly a murmur. "Imagine you are sitting face to face... I want you to ask him mentally what he needs and I want you to tell me what he says."
"What?" I scoffed. "How am I supposed to know his answer?"
"Just trust, Embry."
Rolling my eyes behind closed eyelids, I did as I was told. Visualizing myself sitting across from this massive wolf, I asked what he needed. As if knowing the answer, my own internal voice replied. I didn't know if I did it right. Was I supposed to hear another voice separate from my own? The image cut in and out as I lost concentration. I couldn't focus on anything as my thoughts swam in circles around Cara.
"I give up." I huffed, rubbing the heels of my palms into my eye sockets.
"What did he say?"
"I don't even think I got an answer."
"Was there a reply to your question?"
"Yes... maybe... I don't know. I asked the question and then I just heard my own damn voice respond with Cara."
"Then you received an answer." I arched a disbelieving brow at him. "I don't make the rules." He shrugged. "This is just one of the ways that the spirits communicate with us."
"That sounds a bit... schizophrenic... to me."
He stood slowly, age weighing him down. "As you raise your vibrations, you will learn to trust this feeling and the communication with spirit. For now... we rest."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
I was in every way grateful for the help, but at this moment I was angry. "What the fuck?!" It was his turn to arch a thick brow at me. "You keep leading me along and leading me along, just to basically quit as soon as I feel like I'm getting somewhere."
"Are you, now? Getting somewhere?"
"Yes!"
"Then tell me, oh, wise one... How do you feel about your father?"
"That-"
"No, or how about... Tell me, do you accept being a wolf?" My mouth opened and closed like a fish, but he gave me no chance to speak as he advanced in my direction. "You give me one good explanation of a way I haven't helped you or that you are truly learning. Because if you were truly learning anything over these past few weeks, you would notice the small differences."
"I don't need this!" I huffed, pushing past him.
"You can't see past your own ego to notice what you're doing to yourself and everyone around you. You're too focused on the instant gratification and 'what Embry wants'. Did you even stop to consider Cara in all of this? She lives in a mythical free world for the time being... a world that is not yours." I stopped, closing my stride together, but didn't turn back. "When you tell her... everything will be reversed. Try to remember that while you're busy cursing this old man that's oh so full of shit."
I growled as I threw the back door open, stomping through the house and towards the front door. Everything was a blur... from shoveling past Leah at the front door, getting in my truck, and speeding down the deserted roads of La Push until I was home. I fumed silently, letting all of my curses and colorful phrases roll around in my head. I thought of Cara in an attempt to calm down, closing my eyes as I dropped my head back against the headrest. I zeroed in on her with my hearing, tensing up when I heard her struggling with Ms. Siler, attempting to calm her down as she had another burst of anger. The sound of ceramic shattering preceded a door latching shut, and all was still for a few moments until soft sobs passed through Cara's lips. My heart shattered at the melancholy, my brow furrowing as I listened to my imprint softly weep as she swept up whatever had broken.
I should have gone inside and waiting for my mom to return from work, I should have gone for a run, anything but head for Cara. Unable to be reasoned with, I let my wolf lead. I handed the reigns over and observed with slight skepticism.
What the hell are you doing, man? I don't even know...
I barely remembered the walk to Cara's, much less knocking on the door. But there I was, sitting on opposite ends of the couch with her as we sipped at chamomile and lavender tea. She wore a mint, Nike T-shirt and black yoga pants, opting to walk around barefoot, and my eyes were drawn to the feather tattooed on top of her right foot. Cara reminded me of the girls from school with their baggy yet flattering clothes, perfect features, glossy hair, and minimal makeup as proof that they were carved especially by God himself.
"Do you think I'm insane, Embry?"
"What?" I nearly choked on my tea, holding the mug in my hands as I turned my eyes up to her. "What for?"
"This." She gestured to the area surrounding us. "All of this... I mean... I hadn't seen my grandmother for a proper visit in almost five years before I came. And now... I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew." She sighed deeply, sinking into the couch. "I worry that I didn't make the right choice..."
"Why did you make the choice in the first place, if you hadn't been back in so long?" I inquired, internally hoping that she would bring up the pregnancy on her own. Or did she even know she was pregnant?
"I..." She sighed, then chewed on her lip as she stared down at the aged oak floors. "I had to get out... I had to."
Judging by her answer, I assumed that she must know that she's pregnant and didn't feel comfortable sharing her story with me. As I thought about each conversation I had eavesdropped on, it occurred to me that she hadn't spoken to anyone about what had brought her to La Push.
"I don't blame you..." I mumbled.
"Do you ever think about it?" She inquired, resting her head back against the couch as she watched me. "Leaving La Push?"
"I do... but I know I can't." I shrugged, swirling the tea around my mug.
"Why not? Is it your mom?"
"No... if anything, she wants me to leave."
"Buuuut?"
I sighed, my thoughts turning back to my pack and the impending threat of the Volturi to come in whatever future may present itself, near or far. "There's too much at stake if I do leave..."
"Okay, but isn't life about taking chances?" She smiled. "We're talking about the chance to live! Freedom!"
I chuckled, shaking my head at her. "What about you? When the day comes that this is all over... What do you plan on doing with yourself?"
She shrugged, her smile faltering as I received my confirmation that she was indeed aware of her pregnancy. She rest her hand on her stomach as she took a sip of tea. "Honestly, I don't even know what I'm going to do next week..."
"How about... you have dinner with me?" I blurted, unaware of having said it until it was out.
She blinked rapidly, bursting into a fit of laughter that resonated in the quiet room. I could feel my ego bruise and felt as small as the boy that couldn't even get a date in High School.
"Or, not, I mean... it's okay."
"No, no, no! I'm not laughing at you! Just the timing!" She set her mug down on the coffee table before turning to face me, taking one of my hands in both of hers. "I would absolutely love that, dinner sounds delightful!"
"I'm sensing a but..." I leaned towards her, relishing her cool fingers against my warm flesh.
"I just..." She sighed, closing her eyes as she mulled over what to say next. "I... need a bit of time."
"To...?"
"To... figure something out. I don't want to take on another commitment until I... make a decision."
I closed my eyes, smiling softly. "You're not going to tell me what it is... Are you?"
She was shaking her head as I opened my eyes, giving me a sympathetic smile. "No... it's not your responsibility... but until I know what I'm going to do, I don't want to get your hopes up."
I rubbed my thumb across the back of her hand. "You're not just letting me down easy, are you?"
She chuckled, lifting up her hand as she held up three fingers. "Scouts honor."
For once, my wolf was calm... There was no urge to shift, no insatiable desire to ravage her, no overbearing need to protect.
I've got this. I grinned as Cara settled next to me, turning on the TV to a movie that I barely paid attention to.
Cara sat closer to me throughout the film, not enough to be cuddling, but just enough to where I could still feel her body heat and the brush of her arm as she shifted here and there. The desire was there to hold her, to caress her soft skin, but I kept my hands to myself for the most part. Aside from lazing my arm across the back of the couch, I would rub her shoulder every so often, enjoying the sight of her shiver and the sound of her hum. Could I not hear it, my mind would have been in the gutter... but the ambient sound of the baby's frantic heartbeat was too loud for me to focus on much else.
The movie was drowned out by this tiny creature's massive heartbeat, and a part of me began to worry. I began to wonder if the imprint was real or if it was just in my head, as I thought of Jake and Nessie. Jake loved Bella so much that he was convinced that she was his imprint... only to do so on her daughter. I didn't relish the thought of being put in that position... but it was a possibility that I was not ready to consider. The idea alone brought a stir back to my wolf... I didn't want her to abort the baby, but the thought of her going through with it concerned me. Would the imprint go away? Or would all be just as it is... sans fetus? I convinced myself that I had imprinted on Cara, for certain, but that didn't keep the fears from rolling around in my head.
I hugged Cara before leaving, but made no move to kiss her. I wanted to respect her desire to be platonic until the decision was made, but also treat this as if there was a possibility that what I feel for Cara could be a fluke and that I am to truly imprint on her child.
My mother greeted me as I entered the house and sat on the couch, but I was too wrapped up in my thoughts to offer one back. She inhaled apprehensively as she lowered the volume on the TV. "Embry... What's wrong?" I shook my head in response, watching my hands as I rubbed the palms together. "Is it... a wolf thing?"
"Yeah... no... kinda... I don't know." I sighed, rubbing at my eyes with the heels of my palms.
"Do you... want to talk about it?"
"I..." I heaved a heavy sigh, looking towards her. "When you found out you were pregnant... What did you do?"
She blinked a few times, caught off guard by the question. "Well, I... I cried, for one." She chuckled, halfheartedly. "But most of all, I worried... I had spent a better of my teens acting so grown that I thought that I would be okay. I found out that I wasn't as grown as I had thought I was."
"Did you ever consider... abortion?"
"For a split second, but never again after that." She tilted her head as her brow furrowed. "Why do you ask? You haven't..."
"No, no... I haven't gotten somebody pregnant."
"But someone is...?"
I cleared my throat. "Cara... She doesn't even know that I know... but she... is."
"Wow..." Her eyes widened as she sat back in her seat. "And you two are...?"
"Nothing serious... yet." I shook my head, reclining back on the couch. "She doesn't want to get serious until she 'makes a decision', as she put it."
"So, you think she's considering... aborting? Who's the father, if it's not you?"
I shrugged. "I don't know... honestly, I know nothing about her or her life before she came here."
"So... Are you looking for advice? Or...?"
"I don't know... maybe? What have you got?"
"Well..." She cleared her throat as she folded her hands across her stomach. "I would, let her come to you regarding the pregnancy, the relationship... You need to be on her time."
"What if she does decide to abort the pregnancy?"
"What if she keeps the baby?" She tilted her head curiously. "Are you willing to take on that responsibility?"
I shrugged. "I have to be. She's my... soulmate." She arched a brow. "Wolf thing."
She nodded, clearing her throat once more. "Well, whatever she chooses... It is her choice, and whether you are her friend or her partner... you need to support her."
I retreated to my room for the rest of the night, watching the smoke rise from the chimney of Ms. Siler's house as thunder rumbled overhead. I agreed with everything my mother had said... but it didn't keep me from the fear of hurting Cara if I am really meant to imprint on her child. I hated the idea of being like Quil... at least with Jacob, his imprint would be fully grown in a few more years, but Quil and possibly myself would be stuck with imprints nearly 20 years younger than us. As I readied for bed, I listened in on Cara doing the same, imagining being there with her. Sharing a shower together with the excuse that we were "saving water". I chuckled to myself at the thought as my imagination ran wild with visions of her smiling, laughing as water soaked us both, and then her wrapping her arms around my shoulders to close the small gap between us for a kiss. I wanted so badly to simply kiss her, wrap her in my arms... watch her belly grow.
My child or not... what if she did keep the baby? I would be at every appointment, each ultrasound, even help her plan the baby shower. The thought of a large belly growing on her small frame brought a smile to my lips. I could imagine her in nothing but a T-shirt and underwear, her belly obvious as she walked around the house. Maybe I could do this... I didn't need any help. I can do this, and I'll prove that to Cara as well.
Author's Note:You can thank my co-worker for inspiring me to speed up my progress on this chapter. I see you, girl! Lol. Now, I am not going to make any promises of weekly updates, but just know that this story is currently my baby and I don't plan on quitting any time soon! ;) Please, review and let me know your thoughts. I love the feedback! And I will see you next time. :) - MamaWolf13
