11 October, 1766
Lallybroch, The Highlands, Scotland
For much of the journey, I laid down in the wagon beside Jamie's printing press, but the jolting of the wheels over the uneven road was enough to make me move to the front of the wagon, where Jamie was seated. For the last few hours of the journey, that was where I remained, laying against Jamie's shoulder sleepily. At one point, it seemed that he and Archie thought I was asleep, so I listened to their conversation:
"So, what'll ye do aboot Balriggan?" Archie asked Jamie quietly, riding his horse beside the wagon, and I heard Jamie let out a sigh.
"I dinnae ken, truly. Ned will be able te tell me aboot the legalities of the situation, but I dinnae think it should be a problem," Jamie replied, equally quietly.
"Ye'll have te tell her at some point," Archie said.
"Aye, I ken. I will tonight, I promise ye, lad," Jamie told him.
"Where will we stay? Last time, Aunt Jenny and Uncle Ian didnae have room fer us, and wi' the MacKimmies at Balriggan…" Archie began, but was interrupted by the wagon hitting a pothole, which jolted me up.
"Oh, sorry, lass. The road's gotten a wee bit rough," Jamie told me, noticing that I was awake.
"Hm," I replied sleepily, but it was faked. I was more interested in what he and Archie were talking about. "How much longer do we have?"
"No' much now," Jamie replied, and then he glanced back over his shoulder, where Young Ian was lagging behind on his own horse. "Best ye catch up, laddie! Yer Ma will want a few words wi' ye, I'm sure."
"Aye, tha's what I'm afraid of, Uncle," Young Ian replied, and I couldn't help but chuckle.
"Aye, Jenny's always had a sharp tongue. I take it that hasnae changed?" I asked, and then Jamie chuckled.
"Not at all," he told me. We bumped along the road for another forty-five minutes, perhaps, and then the gate of Lallybroch was in sight. It being October, the rose vines had died and grown bare, and the fields were empty, having already been harvested in September. The building itself, however, was exactly as it was when I had last seen it around Hogmanay in 1746. It had been twenty years, and granted, the estate had the wear and tear of being lived in for the last twenty years, but it was still as beautiful as I remembered. Off in the distance was the Broch Tuarach - the rounded 'north facing tower' in which the door faced north. I glanced up at the windows of the estate, finding the one I had sat in many times as the Lady of Lallybroch, overlooking the fields and Broch Tuarach itself.
"I'm really startin' te believe that I really do belong here."
"I think ye do belong here, wi' me. I kent that from the verra day we met, when I first laid eyes on ye. That's one of the reasons I agreed te marry ye, besides being forced by my uncle. Though not the main one."
"What was the main one, then?"
"Because I wanted ye more than I've ever wanted anythin' in my life."
I smiled softly at the memory, remembering standing near the windowsill with my back against Jamie's front, both of our hands resting on my swollen pregnant belly. I glanced up at Archie, the child who was growing inside of me at that moment - along with his brother, Brian, of course - and was once again saddened by the fact that he had grown and I missed it. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my thigh and I turned my attention to Jamie, who gave me a soft smile. "Are ye ready?" he asked me.
"Aye, as I'll ever be," I said, looking back at the home as we entered through the gate. There was no one outside at first, but there were the sounds of children inside that we could hear through the open door. Lallybroch had always had the sound of children running around shouting and playing with one another. This place had truly imprinted on me heart and soul, and hearing the sound of children told me that it truly hadn't changed, however, I couldn't shake the fact that something else had. Jamie climbed down from the wagon and handed me down next, careful of my sutures in my side, and nodded to Archie.
"Get the horses in the stable, lad," he told Archie, who did as he was told, and Jamie then turned his attention to Young Ian. "Time te get ye back te yer mother."
"Jamie! Is tha' you?" I heard Jenny's voice suddenly shout, and I turned to face her. She had stopped in her place when her eyes fell upon me, straining her eyes to try to make out who I was. "Who's this ye've brought te my home?"
"Jenny, it's me," I said, giving her a soft smile. "I look a bit different, aye but it's me. Catrìona."
"Catrìona?" Jenny asked, and then she narrowed her eyes at me and clicked her tongue, putting her hands on her widened hips. "Never thought I'd see ye again on my doorstep," she said somewhat bitterly. "Ian said ye'd looked different. When he'd told me ye were still alive, ye might've knocked me down with a feather."
"I ken it must be a wee bit of a shock," I said, somewhat awkwardly. "Ye… ye look well."
"Ye look auld," she told me rather crassly, taking me off guard.
"Jenny!" Jamie said in a scolding tone.
"I beg yer pardon?" I asked her, shocked by this behaviour.
"Ye'll no' speak te my wife like that, Janet," Jamie told her in a firm tone, and she scoffed.
"Hmph. Ye havenae told her yet, have ye? Aboot yer little secret?" Jenny demanded from him.
"She kens aboot Willie, aye," Jamie replied, and Jenny scoffed again.
"And no' the other one," she replied, and then she must have seen Young Ian behind Jamie, as her expression changed from disgust to anger. "Ian Murray! How dare ye run off without a word?" She stalked over to him and boxed him on the side of the head. "Ye had me worried half te death!"
"I'm sorry, Mam! I didnae mean te worry ye but-" Young Ian began, but a sudden angry tone suddenly interrupted us.
"Ye'd better watch that tongue before it gets ye in more trouble," grown Ian suddenly said from the doorway, and then he narrowed his eyes at Jamie and I both. "Best ye get inside, all of ye." Without saying another word, he turned and went inside, and Jenny whacked her son again before dragging him inside.
"I dinnae think I've ever seen Ian so angry," I said to Jamie, who made a noise of agreement.
"Neither have I, and I've witnessed him take a life," Jamie told me. "Come, let's get ye inside. Ye need te rest." He led me inside with a hand on my lower back, and we walked in right as we heard Young Ian being chewed out.
"…and ye must have no care fer either the feelin's of yer mother or me if ye dinnae want te stay here or at least leave word! Damn it, Ian, ye arenae a man yet, yer still a lad!" Ian was shouting at his son, and then he turned on us as soon as we entered. "Jamie! Why did ye no' just tell me he was with ye? Yer sister was worried sick!"
"Because if he had, ye'd have brought me back home!" Young Ian shouted before Jamie could answer.
"Aye, he'd have brought ye home where ye belong!" Jenny shouted back at him, and then she sent me a filthy glare. "Catrìona should be ashamed fer colludin' wi' yer clotheid of an uncle! She's a mother, she should ken better than te let another mother be worried!"
"I have only just come back. I saw Ian fer all of five minutes, I was waitin' te see what my husband had te say aboot it," I spat back at her.
" Yer husband, aye," said Jenny in a strange way, and I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her.
"I dinnae belong here, Mam!" Young Ian interrupted us. "Feedin' chickens when I could be earnin' a city wage and sendin' it back te ye?"
"Earnin' a wage, aye? Is tha' what ye've been doin'?" Jenny demanded from him.
"Aye, and I was good at it too! Fergus and Archie both said I was a natural!" Young Ian exclaimed as Archie suddenly came into the parlour, freezing when he heard his name.
"Oh, he did , did he?" Jenny said, giving Archie a firm look.
"Dinnae blame me fer speakin' the truth. I brought him back the last time, didnae I?" Archie chimed in, and Jenny scoffed.
"I managed te sell a cask of liquor myself before we were forced te flee after the fire!" Young Ian shouted back at his mother, and Jamie's eyes widened.
"Ian!" he exclaimed.
"What fire? And why did ye have te flee?" Jenny asked us.
"Ye had my son sellin' liquor and consortin' with criminals?" Ian demanded from Jamie.
"I told ye it would be a problem," I said to him quietly.
"I told ye I would look out fer the lad and I did," Jamie told them both irritably. "But… there was a… wee fire at the print shop."
"Wee?" Ian asked him. "How 'wee'? Evidently, no' 'wee' enough otherwise ye wouldnae be standin' here."
"So there's nothin' left then?" Jenny asked him, and then she scoffed again. "So tha's why ye've come here wi' yer tail draggin', and wi' a stray , no less." It was my turn to narrow my eyes at her.
"Since when do ye speak te yer family like that?" I asked her.
"Since ye dropped back into our lives as if nothin's changed," Jenny snapped at me.
"Aunt Jenny, tha's not fair," Archie chimed in in my defence.
"Look, everrathin' was fine in Edinburgh, until an agent of the Crown started extortin' me," Jamie told her.
"Aye, the bastard sent a ruffian after Mama," Archie said.
"And Archie killed him!" said Young Ian proudly, and Jenny gave an exasperated huff.
"Go outside! Now!" she hissed at him, pointing towards the door, and Young Ian quickly lost his smile, then did as she told with his tail hanging between his legs.
"And ye better be where I can find ye when it's time fer yer thrashin'," Ian told him as his son left the room, and then Jenny turned on Archie.
"Ye killed a man in front of my boy?" she demanded from him.
"He was after my mother! I wasnae goin' te let him hurt her! I imagine Ian would have done the same fer you . And he wasnae even there!" Archie snapped back.
"But there's more to it than tha'," said Jamie, and Jenny scoffed again.
"Oh, well let's just all gather 'round the fire so we can hear this story," she said sarcastically. "Why dinnae we start wi' where the hell Catrìona has been all this time? If we're goin' te hear a tall tale-"
"Ye ken, I didnae hear ye complainin' when I sent ye money every month and ye ken damn well that money didnae come from printin' copies o' the Psalms!" Jamie shouted at her.
"Aye, I ken fine how ye make yer money, brother, but ye dinnae have te involve my son!" Jenny spat back at him. "Ye could have taught him the printin' trade instead of involvin' him wi' criminals!"
"I promise ye, I treated him as my own son! Archie kens the trade as he does sellin' the liquor and Fergus was involved heavily wi' the liquor. He was in good hands wi' both of them," Jamie snapped, and then it was Ian's turn to scoff.
"Yer own son, aye?" he said rather bitterly, removing his belt from around his breeks and handing the belt to Jamie. "Here, ye can punish him as yer own. I'm sure ye have plenty of experience wi' yer own lad."
"Ian, I'm sure there's another way we can resolve this," said Jamie, but Ian wasn't having it.
"Go on, take it. Ye ken where te find him," Ian spat at him, and hesitantly, Jamie let out a sigh and took the belt.
"Fine," he muttered quietly. "But then he'll do the same te me. Jenny, if ye dinnae mind, Catrìona needs te rest. She was recently wounded badly and still needs te rest."
"Wounded, aye? Dare I ask how that happened?" Jenny asked me as Jamie gave me a look before leaving the room.
"She was attacked by vagrants," Archie chimed in suddenly. "I found her outside of Edinburgh badly wounded."
"What was she doin' there?" Jenny demanded from him, looking rather maliciously at me.
"Mind yer business. Ye've made it clear how ye feel aboot me," I said rather bitterly, and she scoffed.
"Wi' that attitude, ye can take tha' wounded arse and leave my home," Jenny said to me.
"Janet, have some respect," Ian said to his wife. " Both of ye, actually. We have a spare room, now tha' Michael's gone out and marrit. Ye can stay in there, and Jenny will bring ye soap and towels te wash."
"I'll be doin' what now?" Jenny demanded of him.
"I've had enough of disobedience today, Janet. Ye'll do as I say and provide our sister wi' a bar of soap, towels and a hot bath. We'll no' be responsible fer her fallin' ill if she's still recoverin'," Ian snapped at her, and she huffed with frustration and stalked off, making sure to push past me rather rudely.
"Which room?" Archie asked Ian after a moment. "I'll get my mother up there safely."
"Yer mother's still in the room and no' an invalid," I snapped. "Why's Jenny got such a bee in her bonnet?"
"Ye should go and rest, Catrìona. Take her up te Michael's auld room, he's just gone out and marrit," Ian said rather neutrally, and then he too left the parlour.
"Archie, what's goin' on?" I asked my son, who just let out a sigh.
"It's no' fer me te explain," he told me. "Come on, I'll show ye where te go." Archie brought me upstairs, then told me he was going to go and figure out the best place for the printing press and left me on my own. After a few minutes, I heard a knock on the door and it opened, Jenny coming into the room.
"No worries, ye can come in," I said.
"My house, my door," she replied brashly, throwing down towels and a bar of soap onto the chair. "Mrs. MacNabb will be up shortly wi' hot water."
"Thanks," I said as I went over to the chair and picked up the soap. "Lily of the valley soap? I thought this was fer guests, no' family."
"Ye've no' been family te me since ye left. And we dinnae have enough fer family," she spat at me, and then she strode out of the room and closed the door loudly behind her.
"Bitch," I muttered quietly to myself once she was gone. Shortly after, Mrs. MacNabb, who I recalled meeting at the first Quarter Day I had spent at Lallybroch, brought me hot water for a bath, of which I was grateful for, and settled into a nice comforting bath, even with the cheaper soap meant for guests. The heat was soothing on my sutures, which would be able to come out in a few days, but the wounds themselves still hurt. Despite healing and doing better compared to when I was first injured, I found myself to be exhausted, so I hurried up my bath so I could settle into bed for a nap.
ARCHIE POV
"Jamie! Jus' the man I wanted te see!" Archie exclaimed when he caught sight of his cousin, who was only four years older than him. Wee Jamie, as he was called, was doing repair work on the mill when Archie had found him, and when Wee Jamie, dark haired with blue Fraser eyes, caught sight of Archie, he stood up and wiped his hands clean on a rag.
"Archie! What are ye doin' here, cousin? Wait, have ye brought Ian Og wi' ye?" Wee Jamie asked him, and Archie chuckled.
"Aye, the wee clot came te us. He so badly wants te help Da out wi' the business but yer Ma and Da so badly want him here," Archie told him, and Wee Jamie sighed.
"Aye, well. As Laird of the estate myself now and wi' three bairns te feed and a fourth on the way, I dinnae mind the lack of another mouth," Wee Jamie told him. "What can I help ye with?"
"Long story short, Da's print shop burnt te the ground," Archie began with, and Wee Jamie's eyes widened. " Na gabh dragh , we're fine, but Da needs a place te store his printin' press until we get back on our feet. Do ye have one in mind?"
"Aye, there's plenty of room here in the mill," Wee Jamie replied. "I'll help ye bring it in." Archie was grateful for the help, and the two men, one Fraser and one Murray, jointly carried the printing press into the mill, setting it in a corner.
"There's also… another matter te discuss… And one tha' may require more time te get us on our feet," Archie told him, and Wee Jamie raised one bushy black brow.
"Aye?" he asked.
"My mother's returned," said Archie, and both of Wee Jamie's bushy brows rose.
"Ye mean… the one that Uncle Jamie said went te the colonies and died in a wreck?" Wee Jamie asked him, and Archie couldn't help but playfully scoff.
"How many mothers do I have, ye git?" Archie asked, and Wee Jamie chuckled.
"Two, technically. If yer mother's back, then… Wait, how is yer mother back? Yer father said she'd died," Wee Jamie asked him.
"Ah, aboot tha'," Archie said, thinking for a moment. Da had said she'd died in a shipwreck… Well, in his years on Barra, he'd seen a few shipwrecks and their survivors, and sometimes, those survivors had no memory of what had happened. An idea dawned on him then. "She was in a shipwreck, aye, and we'd thought her dead… but apparently, she survived."
"Obviously," said Wee Jamie, and Archie narrowed his eyes.
"There's more to it. Apparently, she'd lost her memory. I've seen it a lot wi' the survivors of shipwrecks off the coast of Barra. The water's cold and rough, ye could be hit in the head wi' a piece of the ship, it's a verra traumatic experience. Mama must've lost her memory. She… said she didnae remember us, but when she finally did, she came back straight away," Archie explained to him.
"Aye? Well, I'm glad te hear she's alive then. Tha's terrible what happened te her memory but I'm glad she remembered ye again. But tha' still leaves the question of what Uncle Jamie will do aboot his second wife," Wee Jamie said, which caused Archie to sigh.
"Aye, I ken. We went te consult a lawyer in Edinburgh but he wasnae available, so we left word. It cannae be valid, can it? Da's marriage te Mrs. MacKimmie. I mean… his first wife's alive and here," Archie told him, but Wee Jamie shrugged.
"I dinnae ken. I'm a farmer, no' a lawyer," he said.
"No, so hopefully, we hear back soon," Archie told him. "Well, I'll leave ye te yer farmerin'. I need te go and check on my mother. She was wounded when we found her, attacked by vagrants. She's still healin'."
"Christ, well, give her my best! I hope te see her soon. Ye ken, Michael's auld room is open now. He's gone and marrit, lives wi' his wife and her mother," Wee Jamie told him.
"I'll be sure te wish him the best when I see him," Archie said, and then he bid his cousin goodbye to return to the house. Once he'd returned, he stopped in the hall when he overheard a conversation brewing between Da and Aunt Jenny:
"Ye treat him as a child, but he's a man now," Da was saying, and Aunt Jenny scoffed.
"A man… He's thirteen, Jamie!" Aunt Jenny scolded him.
"Aye, and when ye were thirteen, ye were practically runnin' this house yerself. Were ye no' a woman then?" Da demanded from her. "Regardless, the lad feels he's a man now, and there's many a lad his age and younger livin' on their own. Fergus, fer example, was on his own when he was ten. Cailean, even, was Ian's age when he was on his own. Were they no' men then? 'Tis the experience tha' makes a man, no' his age. Ye should give him a taste of freedom while he still thinks it's yers te give." Archie heard Aunt Jenny scoff again.
"Listen te ye, tellin' me what te do wi' my children. I didnae tell ye how te raise yer son, did I?" Aunt Jenny asked him.
"I didnae have the chance te raise my son," Da replied back, having no idea the son in question was listening in.
"Ye have another problem at hand. Ye do ken it's a mortal sin te take a wife while the other still walks?" Aunt Jenny asked him, and Da huffed.
"I wound never have taken a bride had I kent Catrìona alive. I thought her dead, the ship she was on sank," Da told her, which reminded Archie that he would have to tell his father what he'd told Wee Jamie.
"Why didnae ye share yer grief wi' me? I dinnae understand it," Aunt Jenny said next.
"Because I barely wanted te breathe, let alone speak of it. I'd lost my wife and my children, I felt I had no other reason te live," Da told her, which stabbed Archie in the gut. He should have never let his father leave Barra alone, not without him, even though Archie was only eight at the time.
"Hm," said Aunt Jenny. "Ye ken, I sat wi' Catrìona on these verra steps watchin' the road when ye were taken by the redcoats. When ye didnae come home, we rode together te find ye. I find it hard te believe tha' the same Catrìona would just abandon ye and fail te look fer ye."
"But tha's the thing, Auntie, she wasnae the same," Archie ultimately chimed in, stepping into the parlour, where his father and aunt were talking.
"Archie, it isnae proper te eavesdrop," Da lightly scolded him.
"Mama's ship did sink… but like the survivors of the many shipwrecks I'd seen on Barra, she lost her memory," Archie said, and Da raised an eyebrow at him. "She… told me so herself."
"Lost her memory? Is that true?" Aunt Jenny asked Da.
"Er… Aye, it is," Da replied, still looking at Archie. "She lost her memory and… came back te us when she regained it. But she was attacked by highwaymen on her way te Edinburgh."
"How did she even ken ye were there?" Aunt Jenny asked Da suspiciously.
"Uncle Cailean told her," Archie chimed in. "Of course she'd go te Barra first, and Uncle Cailean told her." Aunt Jenny glanced at Da suspiciously.
"I exchange letters wi' Brèagha. I'm sure she'd have mentioned such a visit. And why would Catrìona leave Brèagha there?" Aunt Jenny asked, trying to poke holes in the Frasers' story.
"Because Brèagha is still angry wi' me fer marryin' Laoghaire," Da told her.
"Would Brèagha no' have said somethin' te her mother?" Aunt Jenny asked, and Da let out a frustrated huff.
"I dinnae ken, Jenny, I wasnae there. We only ken what she's told us," Da snapped at her. "I need te check on her. Is she upstairs?"
"Aye, in Michael's auld room," Archie told him.
"Thank ye, Archie," said Da, turning to leave the room - but not without giving Archie a firm look, likely concerned about this story they'd fabricated.
"I'll go and clean up fer supper," Archie said to his aunt, who gave him a suspicious look. "It's good te see ye again, Auntie." He couldn't get out of that room fast enough.
CATRÌONA POV
I was seated on the windowsill looking out at a different view - the mountains this time, the Grampian mountain range. I missed the sight of the tower off in the distance, but the mountains were beautiful, too. I heard the door open suddenly and glanced up to see Jamie standing in the doorframe, and he gave me a soft smile as he closed the door behind him. "Ye look well rested," he said to me.
"I had a wee kip," I told him. "Did ye really skelp yerself?"
"Actually, I… asked Ian te do it. Young Ian," he told me. "No harm done. We've both learned better than te lie te Ian now."
"I sure hope so," I said a bit playfully, and then I glanced out the window again. "The view isnae the same… Before, we could see the tower, the cemetery, the mill, the farms… Now all I see is the landscape. A bonny landscape, indeed, but… it just isnae the same."
"Aye, I ken. Lallybroch has never been the same since I gave up my Lairdship," Jamie told me a bit sadly. "But nevertheless, Wee Jamie's doin' a fine job as its Laird."
"Jenny seems te think she's the Laird," I said to him. "Earlier when she brought me soap and towels - the guest soap, I might add - she just barged in without knockin' and said 'my house, my door'." Jamie lightly scoffed.
"I'll have a word wi' her. She'll not treat ye like this," he told me, approaching me. I moved my feet so he could sit beside me on the windowsill, resting one hand on my leg. "Perhaps… we could build a cottage here. On the western end of the land, perhaps, so we could make a life here."
"We have a home in Barra, Jamie," I told him. "And besides, Jenny can hardly stand the sight of me. Perhaps… Perhaps we should tell her the truth."
"The truth? Are ye mad, lass?" Jamie asked me with exasperation. "Ye tell her ye travelled here from another time, ye may as well convince her yer a selkie - and I've met one!" I chuckled lightly at the memory of learning that Cailean had stolen the skin of a selkie to demand answers.
"Well, Murtagh understood, and so did Archie, evidently," I told him.
"Wi' Murtagh, it was a chance we had te take wi' a man tha's been out in the world, and Archie's yer son. He'll trust ye no matter what. But Jenny…" Jamie told me, letting out a soft sigh. "Jenny hasnae ever left this farm. She'll have more questions than we have answers fer."
"But if I dinnae tell her, there'll always be this wall between us. I've lost one sister already, I dinnae want te lose another," I said, and he let out a soft sigh.
"Archie told ye aboot Saoirse, did he?" he asked me. "Aye, I was sorry te hear, puir lass. She didnae deserve it. But Archie told Jenny tha' ye lost yer memory in the shipwreck and came back as soon as ye gained yer memories, then were attacked by highwaymen." I raised my eyebrows in slight surprise.
"Hm. No' a bad explanation, and wi' valid deductions," I said to him. "But did it change her opinion of me?"
"I dinnae ken. She was askin' so many questions tha' I couldnae answer," Jamie replied.
"Jenny casts a verra warm light on those she trusts, and as I've been learnin', a verra cold shadow on those she doesnae," I told him. Jamie nodded briefly, looking away for a moment before glancing back up at me and smiling, then he raised his hand to delicately touch my face.
"I still cannae believe yer here… I gave up hope tha'… I'd ever see ye again and yet, here ye are before me, as bonny as ye were when I last saw ye," he told me sweetly, and I felt my cheeks turning a little pink as I smiled at him.
"I cannae be. I've go' wrinkles by my eyes and mouth and on my forehead, my hands have aged…" I glanced down at my hands to see how they had aged - not much, considering I was only in my forties, but they weren't the hands of the thirty-year-old woman that had left Jamie behind at Pobull Fhinn. He took my hands in his, then brought them both to his lips to kiss them.
"Ye ken, I… went searchin' fer ye once, when I… escaped from Ardsmuir… The prison I was at," he said to me, and I raised an eyebrow
"Ye escaped? So how were ye still a prisoner?" I asked him.
"I went back, because I didnae find ye, but there was a man by the name of Duncan Kerr who was sick and dyin' and ramblin' on aboot treasure on an isle. His last words were tha' the treasure was guarded by a buidseach bàn … La Dame Blanche. " He looked up to meet my eyes, and I could see the faded memory of the hope he once held of finding me on that isle. "My heart… almost stopped when I heard it." His blue eyes fell to our hands again, his fingers brushing my palms and his hands squeezing mine. "I thought tha'… maybe ye'd returned, that ye were out there. There are hundreds of isles all down the coast, but… only one where Selkies live - on Selkie Island."
"Selkies on Selkie Island, makes sense," I said, and he chuckled gently.
"I swam te it, out o' my mind wi' cold. Of course, I didnae find ye there. It was foolish te think ye'd come back. And if he hadnae been dead already, I… would have gone back te Kerr and killed him myself, fer givin' me hope, but… Tha's when I saw it. The Mackenzie crest, etched into the stone, and I realised tha' was what Kerr was tryin' te tell me. At least he'd been right aboot tha', because I found the treasure. It was a wee wooden box filled wi' ancient coins and gems like… rubies, sapphires - three large ones - and emeralds. I took one and gave it te the Governor of the prison."
"But… ye were free, and ye had treasure, why would ye go back te prison, Jamie?" I asked him, giving his hands a soft squeeze.
"I thought I had nothin' else te live for, save fer the prisoners. They needed me. I was their leader," he explained.
"Well, I… I was on Barra fer a time, but save fer tha', I… wasnae on an island. But I did hope ye might… someday find me again, and I supposed ye did, when I found yer letter. It… gave me hope again," I told him, looking down at our hands again. "Hope tha'… was soon torn away from me by the brutalities of war. So many people died…"
"But so many lived because ye were the one te save them," Jamie told me, drawing my face up to look at him again, and he smiled at me. "I feel bad takin' ye away from those people… but I dinnae think I can live without ye again." I nodded gently, then found my eyes falling to my hands again before meeting his eyes again.
"I… meant te ask… I keep hearin' things aboot… somethin' yer no' tellin' me. Somethin' ye need a lawyer fer and somethin' that evidently earns ye a lot of scrutiny," I said a bit meekly, watching his smile fade. "Jamie, what are ye not tellin' me?"
"Ah, er… Well, I…" he began to say, but then suddenly, the door opened and a young red-haired lass and a fair-haired teenage girl pushed themselves into the room, freezing as their mouths fell open.
"Daddy! Daddy, who is tha' woman?" said the young girl, and my head snapped towards Jamie.
" Daddy? " I demanded from him, and then I heard the furious footsteps of another figure, and when I looked up, I could have sworn I felt my heart stop. There, standing in the doorframe looking furious, was- " Laoghaire? "
"Who the hell are ye and what are ye doin' wi' my husband?" Laoghaire demanded from me, and I then looked at Jamie, my eyes wide with shock.
"Her husband? " I demanded as Jamie stood up with his palms out.
"Catrìona, I can explain-" he began, but then Laoghaire gasped.
"That bloody witch of a whore?" Laoghaire shouted as she took in my appearance, and then she scoffed. "So ye are a witch, able te alter yer appearance!"
"I've the same face, just different hair and glasses, ye daft bitch," I spat at her.
"Dinnae call my mother a bitch, ye damned whore!" shouted the fair-haired teenager.
"Laoghaire, what the hell are ye doin' here?" Jamie demanded from her as he approached her.
"She's supposed te be dead! How can she come back from the dead? They should have burned ye at the stake!" Laoghaire shouted at me, and then she reared on Jamie. "How could ye do such a thing te me, Jamie Fraser? Slip home behind my back? Put yer prick in that whore ?"
"Ma, please!" the young red-haired lass exclaimed.
"I havenae done anythin' te ye, damn it!" Jamie shouted at her, and she pushed past him to lunge for me, but Jamie grabbed her around her midsection to hold her back.
"He is my husband now! Have ye no shame, ye damned adulterous bitch?" Laoghaire shouted at me. I had once slapped her for calling me a bitch before, but I was too in shock to move or even say anything. "Let go of me, damn it! Let the damn cunt stand up fer herself!"
"Get yerself downstairs right now! " Jamie demanded, practically throwing her out the door.
"I cannae believe ye did this te me!" I heard Laoghaire shout as Jamie slammed the door behind him. "With that witch! How dare ye do this te me and my girls!"
"Janet!" I heard Jamie call. "Archie! Take Laoghaire and the lasses home…" I heard his voice trail off, and I felt faint. I quickly turned and supported myself on the windowsill, suddenly struggling to breathe. He remarried? To Laoghaire of all people? How could he do that? He knew she tried to kill me once, and Archie! I had been pregnant with Archie when Laoghaire tricked me into going to the home of Geillis Duncan before she was arrested for witchcraft, and very nearly burned at the stake if not for Geillis's selfless sacrifice. I had to leave, I had to get out of there as quickly as I could. I threw open the drawers of the dresser I'd put my clothes into and started pulling them out, pulling on my stockings and forgoing the stays entirely so I could get out of there faster, but then I heard the door open and I froze, my skirt halfway up my legs already, as Jamie came into the room. "Catrìona! What… What are ye doin'?"
"What does it look like I'm doin'?" I asked him meekly.
"Please, let me explain!" Jamie begged me, taking a step towards me, but I backed away, dropping the skirt and holding out a hand to stop him.
"No. No, no, it is too late fer that," I told him, somehow still speaking calmly.
"I dinnae live wi' her, she and the lassies live at Balriggan, an estate I purchased te live in when Archie and I came back," Jamie told me.
"And tha's supposed te make it better?" I demanded from him.
"Of course not!" Jamie exclaimed, desperate for me to understand his point, but I wasn't having it. "It was a great mistake, marryin' Laoghaire."
"Wi' two children, it cannae have been that big of a mistake!" I spat at him.
"The lassies arenae even mine! Catrìona, our marriage was never consummated so technically, no' complete! And yer here so tha' marriage isnae legal!" he told me, but I scoffed. "Look, Laoghaire was a widow wi' two bairns when we met again-"
"I dinnae want te hear it," I said, grabbing my skirt and trying to pull it up again.
"Catrìona, no! Please!" Jamie exclaimed, making a grab for me, but I yanked myself away and tripped over my skirt, falling onto the ground. "Christ, Catrìona! Yer wounds!"
"Get away from me!" I shouted at him, kicking him in the jaw in an effort to get away. He stumbled and flopped over, then quickly got back up on his feet.
"It hasnae even been long! It's been less than two years!" Jamie said to me.
"Oh, and tha' makes it better, aye?" I demanded as I pulled myself back up. "Get out of my way."
"No," he said to me, so I tried to dive onto the bed and crawl across it, but he grabbed me before I could.
"LET GO OF ME!" I screeched at him, shoving him away. "It's Laoghaire , fer fuck's sake! She tried te kill me, and Archie!"
"Yer the one tha' told me te be kind te the lass!" Jamie exclaimed, and I scoffed again.
"How dare ye twist my words, ye bastard? I told ye she wanted ye te forgive her, I never told ye te do so and I certainly never told ye te marry her!" I tried to move past him again, but he stepped in my way.
"Yer no' goin' anywhere," he told me.
"And yer goin' te stop me?" I demanded from him.
"In yer condition, yer no' goin' anywhere, no' without me," Jamie spat at me.
"Get out of my way, ye goddamn liar! " I shouted at him. "Aye, tha's right, ye lied te me! Ye said ye never loved anyone else!"
"I didnae fall in love, I only married the lass, and I've never even lain wi' her!"
"Ye told me aboot Willie, so why couldnae ye tell me aboot this? I would have understood! I told ye I would have! Hell, I fucking remarried and I told you aboot that! How could ye keep me from this, ye… ye… I cannae even think of somethin' awful enough te call ye, tha's how furious I am!"
"Catrìona-"
"Why didnae ye tell me?"
"Why? Why? Because I am a coward, damn it!" Jamie shouted at me. "I couldnae tell ye fer fear I would lose ye again! I couldnae bear the thought of no longer havin' ye, of never seein' ye again or kissin' ye or lyin' wi' ye. I wanted ye so badly tha' nothin' else mattered! I would sacrifice honour, family, even life itself te see ye, te lie wi' ye again, even though ye left me!"
"Left ye? Left ye? I fucking left you ? You forced me te go back, damn it! I should have never fucking left! Then I wouldnae have had te fight in another fucking war or lose another child, and I wouldnae have been forced te leave behind the two children I had that needed me! I wouldnae have missed out on their lives! They're grown, and I dinnae even ken my own children, damn it, and they dinnae ken me! Nobody recognises me, everraone thinks I'm dead, and yer fucking married te Laoghaire ! Fucking left ye… I would have died gladly with ye, ye ken that well! At Culloden, at the stones, on fucking Hy-Brasil if there was no other way te leave it! But you made me go back te save a child that yes, I do love, but now I dinnae fucking know either! And now ye blame me fer that? Ye have the audacity te accuse me of bein' the cause of everrathin' tha's happened in the last fifteen fucking years?"
"No, I dinnae blame ye fer it! Christ, ye had te go back, fer Maevis's sake! I cannae regret that!" Jamie shouted back at me.
"Oh, but ye blame me fer comin' back? I still dinnae even ken how I fucking came back! I just woke up wi' ye starin' down at me tellin' me it's the year sevteen- fucking -sixty-six! And I have no idea how, and ye blame me fer it!"
"No, I dinnae blame ye fer that, either! Christ! Do ye ken what it is te live without a heart, Catrìona? Te live as half a man and accustom yerself te livin' like that?" Jamie demanded from me, and I couldn't help but scoff.
"Do I know… Do I know ? Yes I fucking know what that feels like, ye damned bastard! Do ye think I went back te Tom and lived happily ever after?"
"Sometimes I hoped ye did, and sometimes I could see it. Him with you, day and night, lyin' with ye, takin' yer body, holdin' my bairn!" I slapped him across the face and shoved him backwards into the dresser.
"I told ye he left me! He left me because I couldnae love him because I was so damn busy bein' blinded by the love that I still had fer you ! Tom left me because of you! But I dinnae have te imagine Laoghaire, now, do I?"
"Laoghaire? Christ!" He shoved me away and then, with a strength of power I didn't even know he had, he grabbed the back of the dresser and threw it down onto the ground, where it crashed and shattered all over the floor. "I dinnae care aboot Laoghaire!"
"So ye can marry a woman ye dinnae want and discard her the second somethin' better comes along? Well, I'll tell ye right now, that somethin' better - and I am somethin' way beyond better than Laoghaire - will be leavin' right this damn second so get out of my way!"
"No! I'm damned one way or the other! If I felt anythin' fer her, I'm a faithless lecher, and if I didnae, then I'm a heartless beast!"
"Aye, 'beast' is one thing ye've got right! Ye still should have told me, damn it, now move!" Suddenly, he grabbed me firmly by the arms, locking me in place.
"If I had, ye would have turned on yer heel and left me without a word!" he growled at me, pushing me backwards. "But havin' seen ye again, I would do far worse than lie te keep ye!" He pulled me against his chest and forcibly kissed me, and I pulled myself free and slapped him hard across the face, only for him to grab me again and forcibly kiss me, pushing me down onto the bed.
"Get off me!" I shouted once I was free, fighting him as he lay heavily on top of me, and I finally gained the upper hand and rolled us over, rolling us right off of the bed and onto the floor.
"Catrìona! Catrìona!" Jamie shouted through grunts as he pinned my wrists down and sat on my hips. "Catrìona! I love you, and only you!"
"I dinnae care!" I snapped, using my forehead to bash him in the head, and he fell to the ground beside me with his forehead and nose bleeding.
"Catrìona!" he called, grabbing my shift with one hand and tearing it near my backside as I tried to escape, and suddenly, the door opened and Jenny appeared with a pitcher of water, furiously throwing it at us and soaking us both through.
"Stop it, both of ye!" she snapped at us. "Fightin' and ruttin' like wild beasts and no' carin' if the rest of the house hears ye!" She paused as she looked at Jamie, and then at me, narrowing her eyes. "And what have ye done te him now?" Feeling tears start to spill over in my eyes, I immediately stood up, grabbed my skirt, pulled it on and ran out of that room as fast as I could, not realising that Jenny was right on my tail. "Aye, I hope ye finally leave, ye homewrecker! Ye should have stayed where ye were and never come back!"
"Why are ye bein' so mean te me?" I demanded from her as I sobbed, running out of the house, down the steps, through the yard and as far away from Jamie and Jenny and Lallybroch as I could possibly get.
It was cold, and my stockinged feet had gone numb. I hadn't grabbed my tartan and was only dressed in a wool skirt and a torn shift, so I was freezing very quickly. My side quickly started to hurt and I collapsed, burying my face into my arms and sobbing. Oh, God, how could Jamie do this? Why did Jenny hate me so much? Why did I still want Jamie? Why did I still love him? Why did I want to run into his arms to comfort me despite the fact that he was the one that had caused me so much pain? "Mama?" It was Archie. I heard the hooves of the horse approach and then heard him dismount, feeling his hands on my back as he turned me over and lifted me up into his arms. I wrapped my arms around my grown son's neck and sobbed into his shoulder, and he sat down on the ground with me on his lap. "Shh, Mama… It's all right…"
"N-No it isnae!" I sobbed loudly. "J-Jamie's married te someone else… a-and Jenny hates me… and I dinnae ken anyone and no one k-kens me…"
"Ah, ye found out aboot the MacKimmies," Archie said to me, and then he softly sighed. "Here, hold on a moment." He set me down on the ground and got up to go to the horse, removing the blanket that was underneath the saddle and wrapping it around me, then he sat back down and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Mama… The reason Da married Mrs. MacKimmie is… is because of me…"
"Y-You?" I asked, wiping a tear from my eye. "How could you be at fault fer tha'? Ye dinnae c-control him…"
"No, but…" he said, and then he let out a sigh. "When we returned te Barra from Helwater, all Da wanted was te go back te as normal a life as he could. He wanted te pick up the pieces, and he already had me, but he didnae have Brèagha, and she didnae want him. She was angry he left, and it broke Da's heart. Eventually, they made up and we came here te Lallybroch, only te find tha'… there was no room fer us. Da bought Balriggan and fer a time, we lived there. Tha' summer, we met some verra kind young lassies. Brèagha painted them a lot - she's a verra good painter, actually. Ye'd be proud. They were Marsali and Joanie MacKimmie. We found out tha' their mother, Mrs. MacKimmie, was widowed and aboot te lose her home, which meant tha' her daughters would also lose their home. So, at the Hogmanay celebration, I took her aside and… offered te marry her."
"Archie," I said softly, but he shook his head.
"No, Mama, I need te explain," he told me. "I offered te marry her so she and her lasses wouldnae starve or lose their home, but Da overheard and he… said he wouldnae allow me te give up my freedom te love and marry, so he offered te marry her. He said he… didnae have much te live fer, so he felt he could do at least some good in the world by ensurin' Mrs. MacKimmie and her daughters didnae starve, so he did."
"Christ," I murmured.
"Brèagha was furious wi' him, and frankly, I didnae want te see him marry another woman, either, so I… offered te take her back te Barra. Tha's why she doesnae live wi' us. She couldnae bear the thought of Da bein' wi' someone other than you. But she never let Da consummate the marriage. She was awful and mean te him, mean te me as well. Called him weak fer lettin' Brèagha go, so he left. Gave her Balriggan and sent her money everra month so he could keep his promise te her aboot the lassies. But Mama… none of this would have happened tonight if it werenae fer me. I'm at fault fer Da marryin' her," Archie told me, but I didn't answer him right away. Instead, I sat there in silence, my eyes on those of my son, who was so grown and so brave.
"Ye… Ye have come… so far from when ye were a lad," I said quietly, raising one hand to gently touch his face. "That was… verra kind of ye… That woman nearly killed us both, my lamb. Ye were still in my womb when it happened. I dinnae hate people, but I greatly despise her, no' fer what she did te me - that I can look past - but fer what she almost did te you."
"But I thought they didnae burn pregnant women until after the bairn was born," Archie asked me curiously.
"Likely no', but those people hated me. Even so, ye would have likely gone te some strangers. Regardless of the outcome, ye wouldnae be the handsome, kind and carin' young man ye are today," I told him softly, and then I let out a sigh. "I dinnae want te go back… Lallybroch was once my home, but… it feels like a prison. I want te go te Barra. Let yer father sort out his troubles…"
"Ye'll no' leave him, will ye, Mama? Ye'll no'… go back te yer time?" Archie asked, his tone full of worry.
"No, lamb. I'll no' leave ye again. I cannae leave ye, nor yer sister. We'll stay in Barra," I told him, touching his cheek again, and then I leaned forward and kissed his forehead before embracing my son in my arms. "I'll never leave ye again. I promise ye, m'eunan. "
That night, Archie took me to sleep in an old dovecote, lighting a fire for us to keep warm by and keeping a close eye on me, but we had no choice but to go back the following morning. I at least needed clothes and my things to take with me, and Archie was going to explain to Jamie where we were going. While Archie saddled up one of the horses, having asked a young lass by the name of Janet to fetch my things for me, Jenny suddenly came out carrying a set of clothing and tossed it down on the ground. "Dinnae think yer welcome here again," she said to me rather harshly, and I lightly scoffed.
"What the hell happened te us, Jenny? We used te be close, like sisters," I said to her.
"Sisters write te let each other ken they're alive," she snapped at me.
"I didnae… even ken who I was," I said, trying to stick to the story that Jamie had told her, but to be honest, it wasn't entirely a lie. "I was… in a place I didnae recognise, pregnant and alone. I… didnae ken anything or anyone. As far as I kent, I was… alone in the world, no one te love me. I was taken in by a verra kind family who took care of me, got me back on my feet." I glanced down at the clothes on the ground briefly. "And then… I realised tha'… I had a name, a home, people who loved me. I learned tha' Jamie was alive, and my brother. I wanted te come home te them, be apart of my family again."
"What did ye do all of these years?" Jenny asked me.
"I… There was a war. I was a healer. Saved lives as best as I could," I told her, suddenly recalling that there was a war in America shortly before the Revolutionary War called the French and Indian War. I didn't know its dates, but I assumed it happened somewhere in the time frame that I had been gone. "War, it… takes a greater toll on ye. There were young lads like Archie, lads his age and younger, that I couldnae save. And I… I had a daughter. Jamie's daughter, called Maevis. I… had te send her away when the war came te us. She went wi'… friends, I think it was. It was my… second husband's doin'. He saw more value in me as a healer than as a mother, insisted I stay."
"Aye, thought I heard somethin' of the like in the colonies. A war wi' savages," Jenny replied, her arms crossed across her chest. "I hear truth in what yer sayin', though I still cannae shake the feelin' yer hidin' somethin'. Does Jamie ken aboot this other husband?"
"Aye, he does, and the bairn," I told her.
"And what happened te him?" she asked again.
"He… He died," I replied.
"Did ye love him?" I paused briefly, wondering if what I felt for Tom was love or simply the desire to be wanted and loved, and then I shook my head.
"No. I couldnae love anyone but Jamie," I told her.
"Hmph," she said. "It was I who sent fer Laoghaire last night. I thought her better suited fer my brother. Ye made a weak man out of him, but as it turns out, she was a right foul bitch, she was." I couldn't help but chuckle a little.
"Aye, I could have told ye tha'. She was nearly responsible fer not only my death, but tha' if yer nephew," I told her.
"Hmph," she said again. "When a horse breaks its leg, ye put it out of its misery because it'll never heal right. Neither will we." She narrowed her eyes slightly. "There's somethin' aboot ye I dinnae like. When Jamie wed Laoghaire, I saw ye there at their weddin', clear as day, but like a spirit. It was like only I could see ye, and ye could see me. I dinnae ken what that was aboot, but I dinnae trust ye, and I dinnae think I ever can again, nor do I think I want te."
"Fair enough," I replied. "At the verra least, we can be civil fer Jamie's sake."
"I dinnae think I can be even tha'," she told me rather coldly. "I mean it when I say I dinnae want ye steppin' foot in my house again."
"Last I heard, it wasnae yer house, but Wee Jamie's," I replied.
"It is my house until I take my last breath," she said to me, and then she turned on her heel and went inside. I let out a soft huff, disappointed, but unable to blame Jenny for her mistrust, although her news about seeing me at the wedding was strange. I bent down to pick up the clothes and put them on, then waited for Archie to finish up with the horse.
"Catrìona." I froze, not daring to turn around to face him after the humiliation I faced last night. "Catrìona, please…"
"I'm goin' away fer a bit," I told him. "Te Barra, wi' Archie. Ye can sort out yer shit if ye like."
"I cannae take back those years, or the life I've lived… but I mean te make things right," Jamie told me, his voice much closer. I turned around to see him standing not that far behind me.
"I need time, Jamie. I cannae stay here now, nor am I wanted, nor am I welcome," I told him rather calmly. "I just… When I made the decision te stay, I kent ye might be different, or we both could be…"
"I'm still the same man ye fell in love wi'," Jamie said to me, desperation in his eyes.
"Ye asked me once te tell ye the truth. That we could have secrets between us, but no' lies," I said to him.
"I'm sorry, Catrìona… Truly," Jamie begged me, but I only shook my head and turned away again. "I've only kent one love in my life, and tha' was wi' you. Tha's the truth of it."
"Tha's the truth of it, aye?" We both turned towards the gate when we heard Laoghaire's voice and both of us let out a gasp of shock when we realised she had cocked a pistol and pointed it at me.
"Oh, fuck!" I exclaimed, being shoved backwards by Jamie, who stepped in front of me.
"Laoghaire, put the pistol down!" Jamie tried to tell her calmly as Archie came out of the stable and nearly jumped out of his skin at the sight.
"Mrs. MacKimmie!" he exclaimed with shock.
"Tha's Mrs. Fraser te ye - I'm Mrs. Fraser, no' this wicked bitch," Laoghaire snapped, staring daggers at me.
"Fer Bride's sake, Laoghaire, grow some sense!" I snapped at her. "Yer just as bad as ye were when ye were a child!"
"Shut up!" Laoghaire snapped at me, putting her finger on the trigger of the pistol. "I willnae just sit at home and let her walk away wi' ye! I've come te protect what's mine!"
"Laoghaire, I will agree te keep my promises te ye, te continue sendin' money fer the upkeep of the estate and the care of yer lassies," Jamie said to her, his hands raised as Archie grasped me and pulled me back away from this.
"Leave her be, where I can see her!" Laoghaire shouted at Archie, who froze.
"Archie, it's all right. Go back in the stables," I told him quietly.
"This isnae Catrìona's fault, Laoghaire!" Jamie exclaimed to her, and she scoffed.
"Then tell her te leave us be and stay out of our lives!" Laoghaire snapped at him. "Maybe what we had wasnae perfect, but ye were mine !" She went to brandish the pistol again when suddenly, her finger slipped on the trigger and she fired the pistol, the bullet shattering from the impact and hitting primarily Jamie in his shoulder, scratching my cheek and catching Archie's arm as he tried to shield me.
"JAMIE!" I cried, not knowing at first that his wound was confined to his shoulder.
"Get away from my family!" I heard Archie shout as I collapsed down on my knees beside Jamie, ripping at the holes in his shirt to get a better look at the wound. There were many entrance wounds, and I didn't see nor feel any exit wounds. I badly wanted to panic thinking the love of my life was in danger of dying, but my many years of being a field medic, a trauma surgeon and an army doctor prepared me to remain calm in urgent situations such as this.
"What the hell have ye done now?" I heard Jenny shout suddenly.
"It wasnae Mama, Aunt Jenny, it was Mrs. MacKimmie! And I'll thank ye no' te speak te my mother like that again!" Archie snapped back at her.
"What's goin' on?" I heard another voice shout.
"Enough arguin'! We need te get him inside, quickly!" I snapped at everyone, and I noticed a dark-haired man and Young Ian help Archie with getting Jamie back in the house, I following on their heels.
"Where do ye think yer goin'? I told ye yer no' welcome in my house again!" Jenny snapped at me.
"Oh, pish off, Jenny, unless ye want yer brother te die!" I snapped back at her, following the lads to the dining room as they laid Jamie out on the table. " A ghille dubh , fetch me some alcohol. Ian, get a pot of hot water started. Archie, go and fetch my bag, ye ken which one."
"Yes, Mama," Archie said as the three of them ran off.
"Ye'll no' order my family around! Get out of-" Jenny grabbed my arm, and I let out a loud growl and threw her off of me, pushing her into the wall.
"Ye will stay away from me , damn it! Now make yerself useful and fetch me sterile bandages, fer Christ's sake!" I snapped angrily at her, and she looked at me with frightened wide eyes, likely unaware of my strength, and quickly rushed off. Soon, all of them returned with the items I requested, and I asked that only Archie stay behind to assist me. "Jamie? Are ye wi' me?" I asked when I saw him stirring a little. "Archie, grab the bottle of laudanum. I need te put him out."
"No… no, it's… only birdshot…" Jamie murmured weakly, and I let out a huff.
"Tha' weakness is what concerns me. These pieces might've damaged yer subclavian artery. I'll need te dig them out," I said as I administered the laudanum to him, and then he was out. "Go in my bag and fetch me the cylindrical thing wi' the blue top."
"This? What is that?" Archie asked me.
"Somethin' from my time," I told him as he handed it to me, and then I sprayed it on the wounds to numb the area so I could cut into it. "Need te use this sparin'ly, it numbs the area. Since I cannae put yer father te sleep, I need te relieve all the pain tha' I can so he doesnae move and risk me nickin' the artery."
"The what?" Archie asked me.
"Arteries are blood vessels tha' carry blood away from the heart. They're generally large and have wha's called verra high blood pressure. Ye ken when ye squeeze somethin' like a fruit, it bursts? Tha's what pressure is, only this is internal, like pumpin' a fruit full of air and it bursts. Because they're movin' blood away from the heart, they have increased pressure, which means if they get nicked, it can be deadly. Veins are the opposite, they can still be deadly, but because they carry deoxygenated blood te the heart, they have less pressure inside of them," I explained, keeping my mind busy so I didn't panic as I cut into Jamie's arm and extracted the fragments of the bullet piece by piece.
"Is he goin' te be all right, Mama?" Archie asked me.
"Aye, lamb, he'll be fine. Dinnae fash, laddie, yer Ma was a doctor in her time," I told him. "Er… a physician, basically. I saved the lives of a lot of soldiers durin' the war in my time."
"Scotland's at war?" Archie asked me, watching me remove the bullets carefully.
"Aye, wi' England," I told him. "There's been three wars since the year 2100. The first was the first rebellion, which started in 2098. Tha's the one yer grandsire fought in. Then there was the second, which started when I was a lass. Tha's the one I fought in before I came here te this time. Then there was the third one, which I was a doctor in." I extracted the last fragment of the bullet in Jamie's arm, then reached for the sutures to begin stitching the wound. "The artery's fully intact and I've go' all the pieces. He'll have te rest this arm, though. I'll need yer help keepin' him calm."
"Ye… Ye mean te stay wi' him?" Archie asked me, and I let out a soft sigh.
"Archie… I love yer father more than anythin' on earth. I could never leave him again," I told him, and then I glanced back up at him, paling a little when I saw his arm. "Christ, lamb, yer arm!"
"Huh?" he asked, looking down at his arm. "Oh, it hardly hurts, Mama."
"It could still get infected. Sit down," I told him, forcing him to have a seat on the chair so I could clean and stitch his wound.
"What aboot the scratch on yer cheek?" Archie asked me, but I brushed it off.
"It's no' deep, it'll likely no' even scar," I said as I finished up with his wound. "Right… Now we wait fer yer father te wake up."
Several hours had passed, and there seemed to be a new understanding between Jenny and I. She brought in a tray with water and broth, and even a bowl of stew for me. "Will he be all right?" Jenny asked me quietly.
"He'll be fine. He'll have te rest, but he'll be all right," I said to her, and she paused awkwardly without saying a word for several moments.
"Ye were always a good healer," she said to me. "I dinnae ken where yer gifts come from… but I do ken yer heart lies in the right place. Though ye can be right fearsome at times."
"They didnae call me 'the Red Witch' and dub me a criminal fer healin'," I told her, crossing my arms across my chest as I sat back in the chair. "I'll let ye ken when he wakes." Young Ian was the next one in, wanting to check up on his uncle.
"Is he well, Auntie?" he asked me.
"Ye ken, yer the only one that calls me that," I said, trying not to sound bitter. "Aye, laddie. He'll be fine. Dinnae fash aboot yer uncle, he's a strong man."
"Aye, he is," Young Ian said with a soft smile. "Uncle Jamie's lucky yer here." After a while, I must have dozed off, because I awoke to the sound of something heavy hitting the floor and my head snapped up to see Jamie trying to get off of the settee.
"Christ, Jamie, what are ye doin'?" I snapped at him. "Lie back down!"
"Ye stayed…" he murmured quietly as I pushed him back down.
"I wasnae goin' te just let ye die," I told him neutrally, checking the sutures under the bandages and letting out a sigh. "Laoghaire's made a nice Swiss cheese of yer arm."
"I dinnae ken what Swiss cheese is… but if it looks like tha', I wouldnae want it on my bread," Jamie said to me somewhat meekly after detecting my still tense emotions.
"The pellets are out and yer artery's intact, now ye just have te rest that arm until it heals," I told him, crossing the room to the water Jenny had left earlier in the pitcher and pouring it into a cup.
"I need a whisky," Jamie said to me.
"No, it'll dehydrate ye. Ye need liquids," I said as I brought the cup to him and gave it to him.
"Whisky's a liquid, no?" he asked, accepting the cup.
"No," I said a bit firmly, turning away to face the opposite side of the room. "Archie explained te me what happened, how ye came te be wed te her."
"So ye ken the truth of it then," he told me, and I let out a soft sigh.
"I do… but that doesnae mean I like it," I told him. "I just… I need time. Ye rest here. Archie kens what te do fer ye."
"Catrìona, wait," he said to me, but I couldn't stand to look at him again, not without crying. I told Jenny to keep an eye on him, that I needed to go and look for a specific herb, but truth to be told, all I wanted was to be alone. I found a creek that I had spent many a day at and sat down beside it, glancing down at my reflection. At first, I saw the middle-aged, dark-haired woman with round-rimmed glasses staring back at me, but then she morphed into a younger woman with red hair and silvery eyes. That young woman had no worries in the world. She had the man she loved, children she adored, and a home to call her own. Her family loved and cherished her. Sisters embraced her, nieces and nephews asked her to sing for them… The brown-haired woman hiding behind those glasses no longer knew the warmth of kinship. One sister had died, and the other scorned her. Her nieces and nephews didn't know her. Her children were no longer children, her home was no longer her home, and the man that she loved… Well, he was only human, same as she was. He had made a mistake, and she resented him for it. Actually, it wasn't a mistake - it was an act of kindness, both for Laoghaire and her daughters, and for Archie. Archie was stubborn, he'd have found a way to save the MacKimmies whether his father forbid him or not. That was the Fowlis in him, and the Fraser was the kindness of his heart in offering to marry a widow to save her and her children. Jamie couldn't be blamed. He thought he was a widower, basically - he had no idea I would someday come back to him. To be angry with him for remarrying was wrong. Aye, it stung that his choice of bride so happened to be Laoghaire, but either way, I had no right to be angry with him - he hadn't been angry with me for marrying Tom.
"C… Catrìona…" I heard a meek voice suddenly say, and I turned to see Jamie, his arm tucked in the sling I made him from my torn shift, standing there with a sorry look on his face.
"Jamie," I muttered. "What are ye doin' up? Ye need te lie back down. And besides, I told ye I wanted te be alone."
"I cannae leave ye until we've settled this between us," he told me, coming to sit down beside me.
"I dinnae want te talk," I told him, feeling tears stinging my eyes as I stared down at the water of the creek.
"We must… It's what people who love each other do," he told me, but I didn't answer him. "Catrìona… Ye said ye thought I… might be different from the man I used te be. That is true. Who I am today isnae the man I was when we last met, but is anyone ever the same?" He paused for a moment. "I was… imprisoned. Shackled fer two years, then sent te an English estate, forced te bed a woman and… had te leave a son behind. My daughter despises me, my home isnae my home any longer. All of these things change a man."
"Aye, well… I'm no' the same woman ye kent all those years ago either," I told him quietly, watching a twig be carried by the current of the stream. "I lost everrathin' I loved, watched hundreds of thousands of people die in an instant, I hurt someone who didnae deserve te be hurt… I took lives, and lives I saved became a chore. I fought in another war, hoping tha' the next battle would be my last, but… it never was." I glanced down at my feet over my knees, wanting to feel the urge to cry, but I only felt numb - numbness to emotion was an old friend of mine. It seemed my emotions had gone down the stream with that twig.
"No, I wouldnae expect either of us te be the same," Jamie said to me. "I gave ye up… You, and our child… I left the children we had here te be raised by yer brother te spend what I thought would be the rest of my life imprisoned. The things I've done… I am not the same man I used te be, either."
"Well, then. I suppose we're both a mess," I told him, not daring to look at him. "We're so different now… How can we even be sure we're still meant te be together?" He was silent for a moment, then I heard him let out a heavy sigh.
"Catrìona, look at me," he said. "Please." I obliged him by lifting my head and meeting his eyes, which were filled with worry and fright. "How can ye say that?"
"How can I say that? We had lives, both of us. I was a doctor, savin' the lives of men and women who were fightin' te protect their hard-earned freedom, and you had yer print shop. Granted, I meant te die… but it gave my life meanin', and gave me a reason te at least try te stay alive fer as long as I could. And you in Edinburgh, with Archie and Fergus… Ye were married, even. No, it was never yer plan, but it wasnae so bad, was it? And now tha's all been taken away because of me ," I told him.
"Tha' marriage wasnae a true marriage… and bein' a printer didnae give my life meanin', it was a means to an end. But bein' a printer was naught compared te bein' yer husband," he told me firmly, and it was my turn to sigh and look away again, my eyes catching the sight of a leaf caught in the current of the stream. "And fer the record, ye didnae cause me te lose the print shop. I fear that would have happened whether ye came back te me or no'." For a long moment, I didn't say anything, watching the leaf until it disappeared around a bend.
"Fer years, I was haunted by ye… Tom left me because I couldnae let ye go. When the war started again, I had te send Maevis away, I couldnae risk her life bein' in danger. Without her, or Tom… I could scarcely function. But then I ended up back here and thought that perhaps, I could be happy again now that we were together again, but Christ, Jamie, it's been so damn hard ! Harder than I ever could have imagined!"
"And when has it ever been easy fer us?" he asked me, but I shook my head. "I apologised fer Laoghaire, Catrìona. I've done all I can te make it right-"
"I overreacted aboot ye and Laoghaire," I said sharply, interrupting him. "Ye had everra right te remarry. I did, even if I didnae want te. And Archie told me ye did it te protect her daughters, and te keep Archie from doin' it. Ye were right te. Those girls shouldnae suffer the consequences of their mother's actions. But that isnae why us bein' together again has been so hard!"
"Then what is it? What can I do te make this easier fer ye?" he asked me. "Please, Catrìona. I cannae live another day without ye, now that I've had a taste of ye. I will not live without ye. What can I do fer us?"
"It's nothin' te do with ye, Jamie… it's me," I answered him.
"Do… Do ye… not want me anymore?" he asked me meekly. "Ye willnae touch me, willnae lie wi' me… Is that it?"
"No, Jamie. Of course it isnae that," I replied. "I… I cannae swallow this… overwhelmin' fear that who I am now is not who ye signed up fer when ye married me, that… that ye'll find me a stranger. We are strangers. I overreacted aboot Laoghaire because I wanted an excuse te be angry and miserable, because bein' angry and miserable was all I have been fer years. And I suppose it angered me a bit that ye werenae angry wi' me fer remarryin'."
"I grudge everra memory of yers that doesnae hold me and everra tear ye've shed fer another and everra second ye've spent in another man's bed, but ye were four hundred years away from me. In yer time, I was dead, and I told ye te move on. How could ye expect me te be angry with ye?" he said to me. "Catrìona, I will take ye in any form that ye are because I love ye."
"How? How can ye do that?" I demanded from him, feeling my voice crack. "How could ye risk the love ye once had fer me and the relationship we once had fer this… this stranger that I've become? I dinnae even recognise myself, so how could you ?"
"Because ye belong with me, Catrìona Fraser," he replied calmly, raising one hand to gently touch my cheek. "We're mated fer life, mo chridhe . I will risk everrathin' if it means holdin' ye in my arms again."
"Everrathin'? Are ye sure?" I asked him meekly.
" Everrathin' ," he said with affirmation, then he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine, kissing me softly, but passionately enough to draw tears from my eyes. "You and me… So long as my body lives, and yers, we are but one flesh. And when my body dies, my soul will still be yers. I shall never be parted from ye, never in soul, and not in body fer as long as my heart beats." He kissed me again firmly, and I surrendered to him, wrapping one arm around his neck and being mindful of his wounded arm. "Who we once were hasnae been lost, my beautiful wife, only changed." He gave me a soft smile, and in response, I felt my own lips stretch to a small smile, and then his thumb on my cheek, wiping away a tear. A bit taken aback by this, I raised one hand to my eye and felt that they were wet.
"I… I cannae remember the last time I felt… this kind of happiness," I said, looking down at the shiny dampness on my fingertip. "I cannae remember the last time I felt anythin' but cold, frozen…"
"If ye'll have me, I'd like te be the one te thaw ye out," he said to me with a soft smile. I paused in thought for a moment. He still wanted me, even though I'd done everything I could to convince him that I wasn't what he wanted. It didn't matter to him - whoever or whatever I was, he still loved me, and he would do everything in his power to prevent me from pushing him away. I nodded slowly.
"All right," I told him. "All right." He sat back down on his bum and opened his arms to me, beckoning me to come to him. I hesitated for a moment, then looked into his kindly, loving eyes, before pushing myself up and crawling into his arms. I held onto him tightly and felt his lips bury themselves in my hair, then let out a shaky breath. "I… I love ye, Jamie…"
"I love ye, too, mo chridhe, " he whispered to me. I pulled back slightly so I could look up at him and gently touched his face, then lost my smile as I realised his face was warmer than it should be.
"Christ, Jamie, yer burnin' up. Why didnae ye say anythin'?" I asked him, pushing myself up to my knees to feel his forehead.
"Am I? I didnae feel it," he said back to me.
"Aye, because it's cold," I told him, standing up and pulling him up to stand. "C'mon, back te the house. We need te do somethin' aboot this fever." I took him back to Lallybroch to get him situated on the settee, covering him with a blanket and then grabbing a glass mercury thermometer from my medical bag. "Open yer mouth, this goes under yer tongue."
"What is tha'?" Jamie asked me, staring at the thermometer.
"It's called a thermometer, it'll help me see what temperature ye are. Normal temperature is aboot thirty-seven degrees Celsius. Now, open up," I explained, putting the thermometer under his tongue and waiting to see where it read, then removing it and looking at it. "Thirty-eight-point-two. Ye have a fever," I told him, wiping off the thermometer on an alcohol-soaked rag and putting it back in my bag, and then I pulled out a blood pressure kit and put the cuff around his arm.
"What aboot tha' ?" Jamie asked me, his eyes wide with surprise.
"I'm checkin' yer blood pressure, just somethin' I wanted te do anyway," I said as I put my stethoscope in my ears and placed the bell over his brachial artery. "This is goin' te squeeze." Using the bulb, I blew up the balloon inside of the cuff and listened for the sound of the artery, watching the dial and finding his blood pressure to be elevated. "Hmm," I said, then repeated it, finding it to still be elevated. "Ye have hypertension… Tha's high blood pressure, and given yer family history wi' yer father's stroke, I want te keep an eye on that, but hopefully, it's just because yer unwell. Stress causes high blood pressure, which can in turn cause a stroke or a heart attack. I'll have te check it when yer no' in a fever, but I'll make ye a basil, parsley and garlic tincture te drink." He made a face at me.
"I cannae imagine that'll taste verra good," he told me.
"Glad I'm no' the one drinkin' it," I said as I put away the blood pressure kit and pulled out a vial and a needle. The vial contained antibiotics - penicillin specifically. I uncapped the needle and inserted it into the top of the vial, pulling out enough and giving the plunger a small squeeze to get out any air, and Jamie's eyes widened.
"What in God's name is tha' ?" he asked me, staring at the tip of the needle.
"Somethin' te help bring down yer fever," I told him. "Roll over onto yer side." He did as I said, but he watched me suspiciously.
"Tha'… Tha' looks mighty sharp," he said with concern.
"Aye, it is, so ye'd best hold still and relax," I told him, pulling down his breeks a little and exposing the top of his arse.
"Will ye pease explain te me how jabbin' needles in my arse! " he cried out when I injected the penicillin into his arse, and then I pulled his breeks back up and patted his bum gently. "…How will this help my arm?"
"Because germs are no match fer penicillin," I told him, giving him a cheeky smile.
"I… I have germs in my arm?" he asked me.
"Aye, bacteria, likely from the bullet itself," I told him. "But dinnae fash, this medicine I injected into yer arse will kill those wee beasties." I lightly smacked his arse, making him jump a little from the sensitivity, and then he rolled over onto his back as I cleaned the tip of the needle - my only needle - and capped it again. "I'll give ye one of these everra four hours fer the next twenty-four hours and then we'll see if tha' fever breaks. Ye got that?" He only stared up at me, a strange look on his face, and I raised an eyebrow curiously. "Jamie, have ye got that?"
"Aye," he said after a moment. "I should have let them burn ye at the stake twenty years ago." For a moment, I was a bit taken aback by that statement, but then I burst out into laughter.
"So dramatic ye are," I said, shaking my head as I laughed, and then he smiled.
"I've no' heard ye laugh like tha' in years," he told me. "It's a beautiful sound."
"I… I cannae remember the last time I laughed like that," I told him, laying one hand on top of his, and then I patted it gently and stood. "Right, ye need yer rest. I need te go and prepare tha' tincture fer ye te get yer blood pressure down." I bent down and kissed his forehead, then paused for a moment and leaned down again to kiss him on the lips. He smiled up at me, which I returned, and then I left him to rest.
