AN: So….that was NOT what I expected from 1x20. Congratulations, I played myself. When they said it would be worth it, I'm not sure who they were talking to, but not even Surfer Kate was worth Broken Kate. With us in yet another drought, I'm doing something a bit different. Angst. Now, before you scream at me, it is angst with a happy ending. I have always vowed to write a happy ending and this will be no different. Think "Tipping Point" vibes. This one starts angsty and is that stupid wave Lucy was bloviating about, but all waves lead back to Kate Whistler. The title is inspired by Metric's "All Comes Crashing." I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1 - Lose You To Love Me by Selena Gomez

It had taken her 48 hours to decide. In the past, that would have seemed like too little time, too knee-jerk or reactive. Maybe it was coming home to an empty apartment, no longer able to push down her thoughts or fears. Maybe it was because she almost died and that was an afterthought compared to the rest of the past couple of days, but nonetheless, it took Kate 48 hours to decide where she was needed and where she was not. Packing was the easiest part. She loved her place in Hawai'i, but had no problem leaving most of the furniture behind. There were logistics still to be worked out, but it wouldn't be the first time she packed up her life in boxes and tried to start again. The hardest time was after Noah died. Each time after was a bit easier, more closed off, more efficient. It was getting dark and the sun was setting as she pulled into Jane's driveway. She was surprised by her nerves. She already told her SAC at the Honolulu Headquarters. He wasn't surprised and almost seemed like he saw it coming. She wasn't the first special agent to be poached and he was more surprised when she accepted the position in the first place.

As usual, the door to Jane's house was unlocked and she gave a small smile when she heard Jane, Alex, and Julie laughing in the kitchen. She walked in to see them washing up and Jane gave her a bright smile.

"Hey, how's the shoulder? You hungry? We just had dinner, but there are plenty of leftovers," offered Jane.

"No thanks, do you have a minute," asked Kate and Jane's smile faded when she noticed her tone and demeanor.

"Sure, alright kids, homework before you do anything else. We'll be in the back," she informed and they gave Kate a wave before nodding at their mother's request. Kate followed Jane to the back porch and Jane sighed as they sat down.

"So, I'm guessing things with you and Lucy didn't…"

"I'm leaving." Jane was floored by the words and shook her head.

"Wait, what?"

"I think it's for the best."

"You can't be serious right now. Look, I know you had a hard case and…"

"I could've lost my job or my life. Lucy covered for me, but I was two seconds away from it not even mattering." Jane slowly nodded as she looked down.

"Yeah, they told me. Even Jesse was pretty shaken up."

"He was, why," asked Kate and Jane smirked.

"Because you're one of us, Kate."

"No, I'm not. That's the whole point. Here, I'm nobody."

"What the hell are you talking about? You're part of this team."

"The other night, Lucy told me she loved me," confessed Kate and Jane sighed in relief.

"Finally…wait, then why are you leaving?"

"She said it to let me know she loved me…past tense…and I ruined everything, so now it's over."

"She told you she loved you for the first time, so she could tell you it's over?"

"Yep."

"You two sure do know how to hurt each other," mumbled Jane as she shook her head in disbelief.

"I know, but I'm done with all that. The weirdest part is at the beginning of that day, I was hopeful. She came to tell me about the case and was flustered. It was cute. Then the case happened and once again, everything went to hell."

"Not trying to pile on, but why did you go into that house without backup? You know the protocols." Kate sighed.

"I think a part of me wanted to prove myself, not only to your team or my new one, but to myself. I've felt off ever since I came to Hawai'i . There's been this internal conflict between what I want and what's good for me and I keep choosing wrong, Jane. I've always been the rule follower, played it safe, never took the chance, but when I heard that shot inside I doubted myself. What if by playing it safe, someone died and it was on me? So, I rushed in and almost got killed. I know it was stupid. It was reckless and I am a lot of things, but reckless isn't one."

"You tried to follow your gut. I get that."

"That's just it. I don't know what my instincts even are anymore. Every move I've made lately has been the wrong one, at work, with Lucy, everything, and I think it's time for a reset."

"No, you need a vacation. You and Lucy will…"

"It's over, Jane. It rips my heart out to say it, but it's over."

"Give her time."

"She's dating. She doesn't know I know, by the way, so please don't tell her. A part of me thinks it's for the best though."

"You don't mean that."

"Sometimes, we royally screw up and there's no coming back from it. I thought we could. You know that. But after having my ass handed to me, almost dying, almost getting fired, and then having her tell me the truth, that she used to love me and I ruined it, I went home. I got a ride from Kai, went home to a very empty apartment, and realized, I was alone."

"I asked if you wanted me to come get you. Why didn't you say something," reminded Jane as she looked at her in concern.

"Because you needed time to yourself and you have enough people leaning on you all the time."

"So that's it, you're just leaving? Just like that? Taking that promotion you turned down with the DIA?"

"No, I stand by that decision. Sure, being close to Lucy played a role, but I never wanted that position, not in D.C. My old mentor is putting together a joint task force and I've been told I have a knack for interagency collaboration."

"Huh, didn't notice," teased Jane.

"I'll get to lead a team, focus on what I'm good at again."

"You're good at this, Kate. You had a bad day and a close call. It happens."

"It's more than that. You have been a great friend to me and I appreciate everything you've done, but I've been searching for balance for a while now and I don't think I can do that here. When I was in that apartment, I had this split second, it was only a second, but it was grief. It was this overwhelming sense of loss and dread and loneliness that I haven't felt since I lost my brother."

"Kate…"

"I'm not telling you any of this to make you feel bad for me. I knew the risk for all of it. The risk of leaving my support system behind, my family, the risk of going out into the field. I just didn't expect to lose myself somewhere along the way. There was a time in my life when turning down a DIA position like that would've been impossible to even fathom. I don't regret it, but I need to figure out who I am when I'm not chasing a job…or someone to love."

"So, when do you leave?"

"Tonight."

"Kate!"

"I know, but there are some pressing cases to get on, matters of national security."

"There always is. What did Curtis say about all this?"

"He was pissed I got poached, but I think he gets it." She was surprised to look up to see tears in Jane's eyes.

"So this is it then? You're leaving tonight?"

"You're leaving," exclaimed Julie behind them and they both turned to see her with tears in her eyes.

"Julie…" Jane called after her daughter as the youngest Tennant ran back inside. Kate sighed and stood up.

"I'll go talk to her," she assured.

"Alex too," reminded Jane and Kate stuffed her hands in her pockets as she walked back inside. She headed upstairs to Julie's room and knocked softly.

"Go away!"

"Julie, can I please come in," called Kate. She sighed in relief when the door opened and Julie rushed into her arms. Kate kissed the top of her head and Julie hugged her tightly. They had grown quite close since Kate first began coming over to visit Jane. Kate helped her with her homework and talked to her about the things she wanted advice about from a cool adult, which apparently was not her mom.

"Why do you have to leave," asked Julie as she wiped her eyes and Kate soothingly rubbed her back.

"There's a job I have to take in New York. It's important, but I'm going to miss you so much. You can call me if you need anything and I want to see pictures of you at that dance, okay?" Julie nodded as she sniffled.

"I love you, Kate." It was the second time in as many days she had heard the words, but this time it was said truly out of love and a different type of sadness.

"I love you too. Take care of your brother. You know he can't stay out of trouble for too long." Julie nodded and Kate kissed her forehead before heading to Alex's room. She knocked and he called for her to come in. He was sitting on his bed, strumming a guitar as he listened to music. His leg was propped up on pillows and he was staring out the window.

"You're leaving for good, aren't you?" She slowly nodded as she sat down beside him on the bed.

"Alex…"

"You can save it. I'm not Julie. I get it. People have left our whole lives. It's part of the job, right?"

"Yeah," said Kate as she looked down at her hands in her lap. She knew it would be difficult to say goodbye to the Tennant Kids, but she didn't expect the guilt she felt as well.

"You know, I expected to come here and maybe make a couple of cool friends, but I never expected to meet someone who reminds me so much of my big brother. You are an amazing big brother, Alex."

"His name was Noah, right?"

"How did you know that? Eavesdropping again," she teased with a smile and he smiled sheepishly.

"I heard you and my mom talking about him once when I was getting some water from the kitchen. I'm sorry that happened, that you know, you lost him."

"Thanks."

"Does this mean you and Lucy aren't together anymore either?" She arched an eyebrow at him.

"How much water have you been getting from the kitchen?" He blushed and shrugged.

"Not a lot, but enough to know that I want you to stay. You should stay, Kate." She kissed his cheek and gave him a smile.

"You're a good kid. Keep focusing on your rehab. I know you have a bright future ahead of you. Oh and…." She grabbed the phone he was listening to music on and typed her number into it.

"If you ever need anything, call me," she informed. His eyes lit up when she handed it back to him.

"Wow, I always wanted your number, just never thought I would get it like this," he teased and chuckled when she rolled her eyes.

"Take care of your sister."

"I will," he promised as she walked out. Jane was waiting for her by the door when she walked downstairs.

"I gave Alex my number and told Julie she can call me whenever. I hope that's okay."

"You're the one that will have to field calls from both of them, not me," said Jane and Kate giggled.

"It'll be a good reminder of the sunshine on the islands." Jane pulled her in for a hug and Kate closed her eyes as she felt the tears prickling. She took in a deep breath to keep her emotions at bay as Jane pulled away.

"If you ever need me, I'm there," assured Jane and Kate nodded.

"You always are," she said before slipping back on her shoes and heading outside.

"Kate," called Jane.

"Yeah," said Kate as she turned back around.

"Take it from someone who knows a thing or two about words left unsaid. I know you two aren't on good terms, but you have to tell her you're leaving," advised Jane. Kate took in a deep breath and nodded as she headed back to her car. She wasn't exactly sure what to say or how, but she knew Jane was right. She had to tell Lucy the truth.

Kate clenched her jaw in frustration as she parked her car in the parking lot of the Pearl Harbor Naval Base for the last time. Her mentor arranged for her to catch a flight that night from the air base to meet and be briefed. She arrived earlier than expected since nothing went according to her plan, but nothing ever went according to plan with Lucy. She sat in Jane's driveway for what felt like hours before trying to call her. When it went straight to voicemail, she decided to text her a message, asking her to call her since it was important. She took her time driving toward Lucy's house in hopes of getting a call, but realized why she didn't when she arrived. She didn't know whose car was parked in front of it, but she could take a guess. Ernie had let it slip and felt horrible about it. He was stressed after hearing about what happened to her and mentioned Lucy had been called in during a date. He was immediately apologetic, and at the time, Kate was numb to it, but seeing the car in front of Lucy's house and knowing that's why she wasn't answering, shifted something inside of Kate. It wasn't anger or jealousy. It was heartbreak and the realization that she would never feel closure with Lucy. She managed to regain composure and left a voice message to tell her that she wanted her to hear it from her. She was leaving for New York and they wouldn't be working together anymore. It was all she could muster over a message that felt so impersonal and quickly left before risking the chance of seeing the new woman in Lucy's life.

Her shoulder was still quite stiff, but already on the mend enough to reach in to grab one of her bags. She pulled the other two from the trunk before heading toward the entrance. The sound of screeching tires made her glance over her shoulder and she frowned in confusion when she saw Lucy park right in the middle of the parking lot, slam her car door, and march over to her. Kate was stunned and in any other situation would have been amused by how Lucy once again managed to do the exact opposite of what she expected.

"Lucy, what are you…"

"Are you fucking kidding me," Lucy shrieked. Kate was surprised by the outburst, but quickly recovered.

"What?"

"You're just leaving in the middle of the night? Just like that?" Kate wasn't sure if it was the incredulous look on Lucy's face, knowing she was dating someone else now, the weight of the past few days, or the stress of the past few months, but something in her snapped. It was a familiar feeling, one she felt when questioned in the past at work or talked down to by a colleague, but it felt like she hadn't sensed it in such a long time that she almost forgot the feeling, not simply heartache or sadness, but rage.

"Just like that? Are you kidding me, Lucy? This is impossible! There is nothing I can do right now to make you do anything but unleash your wrath on me!"

"You really think that calling me in the middle…."

"In what, the middle of your date," challenged Kate and Lucy flinched at the words. She gulped and crossed her arms.

"I don't owe you anything."

"You're right. We don't owe each other anything anymore and I have apologized and given space and thought that maybe one day we would reach some sort of peace, closure, something, I don't know!"

"Kate, you can't…"

"No, I'm tired and I think you are too. You were right. What you said after I went into that house, I could've been killed. I almost died and after, I went home, licked my wounds and replayed every word we've ever said to each other."

"Kate…"

"I royally screwed up. That's on me. No one else. I should have ended things officially with Cara instead of ignoring it and hoping it would fizzle out. I hurt you and I hurt you so badly, that nothing else matters but that now. Nothing else matters but you wanting me to hurt as badly as you do." Tears filled Lucy's eyes as she shook her head.

"That's not fair."

"It's why the only time you've ever told me you loved me was when you wanted me to feel how angry you were that I ruined it. It's why you told me there were a lot of bets you were willing to take and people you would trust, but I was no longer one of them. I hurt you with what I did and ever since, you've made sure you could hurt me in return."

"I'm allowed to be angry."

"Yeah, you are and I'm allowed to be hurt enough to put an end to it."

"So this is my fault now? Really? After everything you've done…"

"Enough, Lucy," shouted Kate and Lucy was caught off guard. It wasn't that Kate yelled or that she was angry. Lucy was angry too. It was the plea and crack in her voice that made Lucy stop.

"When I was a kid, my mom used to say that you shouldn't hurt people because when you do, you don't get to decide when they forgive you or if they ever will, and I believe that. I can't make you forgive me. I can't make you want me anymore or look at me the way I look at you, but I can decide when I've had enough. I've given you time and space and let you be angry and even let you remind me of how horrible I've been to you. I think we've hurt each other enough now."

"Kate…"

"When I saw you in that bar that first night we met, I knew you'd be something to me. I just didn't know how important. I never expected to see you again and when I did, I had no clue what to do. I'm sorry I made wrong choices with us and I'm sorry you can't forgive me for that, but I get it now, what you said after your first undercover mission, how you learned something about yourself. You learned who you could trust. After almost dying, I learned what I needed in order to trust myself again. Goodbye, Lucy." With that, Kate turned to leave as Lucy watched her. A part of Lucy wanted to run after her, to tell her she still loved her and just needed time, to tell her she knew Kate was sorry. But, another part of her thought about what Kate said. Lucy was hurting. She yearned to move on and move forward. A part of her even hated Kate for not making that easy to do. She knew she couldn't do that with her so close and yet always so far, with the reminder of what they could have been. So, instead of crossing the parking lot, stopping her, and asking her not to go, she walked back to her car and allowed herself to cry for what she vowed would be the last time over Kate Whistler.

AN: It hurt to write it, but it also was therapeutic as hell. Anyone who knows my writing by now knows that I am not down with the dark, life sucks and then you die angst. This will definitely have Kacy Endgame and a happy ending...it will just be a ride to get there. More soon.