A horrible creak woke Xiao from his slumber and he grimaced the second he recovered consciousness; he had an incredibly painful headache, which was intensified by his karma. The voices were louder than usual, screaming and wailing for death, suffering and destruction.
You don't deserve love.
He sat up, a hand on his head, gripping his hair.
You don't deserve happiness.
Slowly, Xiao blinked and allowed his eyes to get accustomed to the blinding light.
You don't deserve her.
It didn't take him long to spot Hu Tao at the door, shoes and hat in hand, and about to leave.
"What are you doing here?" he asked immediately with a frown, not caring if his words came out harsher than usual. As much as he wanted to, the voices wouldn't let him think straight or even come up with an explanation as to why she was there in the first place.
The ear-splitting shriek she graced him with didn't help in the slightest.
He was surprised she thought she could get away without waking him up. If this was one of her pranks, then he had highly overestimated her rationality; he'd thought she knew better than to sneak into his room, of all things. Even if it was a prank, though, Xiao knew he wouldn't be able to stay mad at her for too long.
"Um… Erm… Uh. Nice weather we have today, right, Xiao?" her smile feigned innocence, or so he supposed, at the very least. Raising an eyebrow at the very absurd comment, Xiao was ready to interrogate her when his mind decided to be kind enough to give him fragments of memories of the night prior. His lips, his teeth and his tongue, marking spots on her skin that only he would know about, scarlet eyes that looked up at him with an intensity he yearned for and trust he didn't deserve, the feeling of her lips on his—
Xiao was hesitant to, but he did it anyway; he looked under the covers and found himself unclothed. He didn't know if the heat that he suddenly felt was because of the headache, the embarrassment which he did not really want to consider an option, or anger at the fact that the voices, the screams, were now focused on her, her, her.
She will die!
She will die like the rest of us, because of you!
Because of you…
You don't deserve love.
You will get her killed!
You don't deserve happiness.
You will get her killed!
You don't deserve her…
You will kill her.
"Get out," Xiao managed to find his voice amidst the turmoil that his mind was in at the moment, gritting his teeth so he wouldn't give in and make his current pain apparent. It felt as if his karma wasn't trying to make him lose himself, rather just wanted to torture him, remind him that the feelings he had for the girl in front of him would only lead to her own despair.
A weapon only served one purpose, and that was to strike down enemies. That was all good a weapon was good for, that was all Xiao was good for. No matter how much he wanted to, he just wasn't able to love her the way he was supposed to.
"Don't you think we shoul—"
"I said getout, Hu Tao," Xiao cut her off, lacing his voice, especially her name, with as much venom as he could. Staying for longer would do her no good, and it made the voices all the worse to bear. It was painful to drive her away, but he knew that her well-being being put at risk because of him would hurt ten times more.
"Fine, fine…" her voice was lower than usual, words a little louder than a whisper, and Xiao was partially glad to see his reprimand worked. She stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her. Then and only then, Xiao allowed himself to be vulnerable, both hands reaching for his head and pulling at his hair, silently begging for the voices to just shut up.
He heard her voice, but couldn't make out exactly what she said. Xiao only wanted one thing and it was those damned painkillers; they wouldn't make the karma disappear, but they would make it tolerable.
"Xiao, good afternoon. What brings you here today?"
Xiao always regarded Morax—Zhongli, he mentally corrected—with respect, and asking for the painkillers wouldn't be a problem, but there was also the matter of the previous night's dinner, and how he and Hu Tao completely bailed on everyone.
He had to apologize, and now he had to admit that embarrassment was eating his soul away. At least the voices had quietened somewhat, but of course, there would always be something to torture him, no matter how small.
"Good afternoon, sir," he greeted in return, still looking around despite knowing Hu Tao was never in the parlor at this hour. It was a risk—he didn't want to hurt her any further—, but the apology and painkillers were necessary.
"I… I wanted to apologize for disappearing yesterday," Xiao bowed slightly as he spoke, though he dared not elaborate on why he left, and he prayed everyone would think Hu Tao and him left for separate reasons, and certainly didn't go to the Inn to spend the night together.
"Ah, it's quite alright, don't worry about it. I know you're not exactly partial to crowds," Zhongli shrugged off the matter with a smile and Xiao sighed lightly in relief, standing straight. If he was completely honest with himself, he couldn't tell if Zhongli not prying was a good sign. Archons, it might mean he already knew…
"And if you wouldn't mind, sir, I would like to have those painkillers, please. The karma has been… difficult to handle recently."
The former archon's expression softened considerably and he nodded, leaving the room for a moment only to return with the small bottle, handing it over to Xiao, who gave him a grateful nod and put it away.
"Would that be all?"
"Yes. Thank you."
Xiao bowed before turning around to leave, but a low chuckle behind him made him stop. Turning around to face Zhongli once more, he raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Nothing, nothing. I just remembered something humorous," he said, waving his hand to dismiss the topic. Xiao frowned slightly, not buying it, but he decided not to pry, since Zhongli didn't pry into his own affairs either. With that, he left and went back to the inn.
Avoiding Hu Tao had been harder than he expected, especially with how persistent she was, going to the inn everyday with a batch of Almond Tofu. Was she trying to bribe him? Whatever the case was, it didn't matter. He didn't budge in, no matter how much he wanted to.
Because he missed her, dearly. They didn't spend every hour together, but their meet ups were frequent enough for Xiao to notice the lack of them. They were what he would look up to after an exhausting day of making his karmic debt bigger, they would usually be the highlight of his day and a guilty pleasure he always liked to indulge in.
The memories of their time spent together would have to suffice, though.
"... ao… Xiao…" came a voice and he looked up, blinking a couple of times to focus on the figure in front of him. Right, he was supposed to be assessing her.
"I told you not to come back until you completed the trial five times, only after that would I give you feedback on your combat," he told her, regaining his composure and his neutral expression, regarding Ganyu with his arms crossed. Much to his surprise, she frowned with what he guessed was… worry?
"I already did the trial, more than five times even, because… you seemed to be busy."
Xiao tensed up at the information, eyes widening ever so slightly. He had gotten used to getting lost in his memories, replaying all the moments he shared together with Hu Tao, enjoying them like drops of water to an ever thirsty mouth.
Fighting helped him focus on the present, it was a coping mechanism he would use until it didn't work anymore, until the voices would be too loud, until the darkness enveloped him finally.
The problem lied in those moments when he wasn't fulfilling his contract, or taking care of those corrupted by his karma. Whenever he was alone, he would think that maybe, in another timeline, he was with her by his side. Her dark humor would make him bite his tongue so he didn't do so much as chuckle, because he knew she would tease him the second after.
Xiao would find himself looking down at his hands and wondering… why did she choose to stay? Nobody forced her, nobody could ever Hu Tao to do anything—and if there was someone that made her do something she didn't want to do, he would make sure they never came close to her again—so he just couldn't understand.
She felt like a beacon of light, a lit up torch that couldn't die down no matter the storms that raged around it, her warmth soothing even someone like him, who was in a constant state of suffering and torment.
"You clearly have something on your mind. You've been out of it for around two weeks now… Do you want to talk about it?" Ganyu snapped him out of his thoughts again, bow nowhere in sight, and she had stepped closer.
"It's none of your concern." Xiao saw Ganyu hesitate and he dreaded what was to come when he saw the determination in her eyes.
"It has something to do with… the funeral parlor's director, Hu Tao, correct? You two… You two left together that night at dinner, and you've been acting strange ever since the day after that."
Xiao had to close his eyes with an exasperated sigh, but he felt the tips of his ears become hotter. If Ganyu had the slightest idea, then it was likely everyone else knew what had transpired between him and Hu Tao.
"Like I said, it's none of your concern. I apologize for getting distracted, but we'll try something different tomorrow. Please, be on time," he wasn't as harsh as usual. He could admit when he was at fault, and yes, he had basically wasted Ganyu's time, since he was unable to give her any kind of comments on her development. Before he could leave, though, Ganyu grabbed onto his wrist.
With a frown and something similar to a snarl, he pulled his hand away, sending a glare to the girl. She was the opposite of Hu Tao, her hands were icy cold.
"I'm sorry, but… but you should really talk to her, talk things out," her voice was soft, sympathetic.
"What makes you think I haven't already talked to her?"
"It's… obvious you haven't."
Xiao scoffed at that. There was no way he was that easy to read. She's known you for centuries, a part of his mind reminded him, and he hated that Ganyu is not naïve to his problems.
As if taunting him, or helping him give him an opportunity—Xiao didn't know which one it was—destiny made him hear her call, draining all the color from his face and almost making his heart stop.
"Xiao! Help!"
He didn't think about it twice, didn't even stop to ponder on the fact that she knew she could call him—he'd never told her about that. Xiao was the kind that gave others the promise of aiding them should they ever call, mainly because few people knew that they could call the Conqueror of Demons for help.
Why would anyone call him?
Xiao didn't have time to register his surroundings, and only grabbed Hu Tao to move her out of the way of whatever danger she was facing. A hand around her waist and making sure she was alright swiftly, he turned to the enemy. The Ruin Hunter's blade was impaled on the wall Hu Tao had just been leaning against.
A second later and she would've been done for.
"You actually came," she whispered in disbelief, but Xiao didn't turn to her. He kept his eyes on the machine, but oh how he had missed her voice, and it was such a pleasure to hear her again, even if it was slightly shaking in fear.
"Stay here," he slipped his arm from her waist and made his way to the automaton, donning his mask to make quick work of it. It didn't last too long, with Xiao letting some of his rage out through his attacks, and ended it faster than usual.
As it fell to the ground and slowly disintegrated into blue particles, his mask dissipated and he felt his shoulders slack, his whole body relaxing a little without the corrupted Anemo infusing his attacks. Xiao heard her chuckle behind him, but he didn't turn around.
"You made it look so easy…" she said from behind him, and he only then did he turn around to face her.
He was supposed to leave, but instead, he chose to stay and hear her pour out her thoughts, her feelings and her frustrations.
The walls he'd built weren't as strong as he thought they were, because listening to her say that she had feelings for him made him want to hope for a better life, one with Hu Tao in it to brighten his days.
It was selfish, to want her, yearn for her, wish for her company and her love and her warmth. Xiao knew that for a fact, because he'd seen what his karma could do to others. If there was one thing he didn't want, was for her to fall prey to the same darkness.
Still, she insisted, saying exactly what he needed to hear to welcome the idea of a moment of happiness in his immortal life. The feeling of her warm hands on his cheeks made him crumble, those walls coming down like a house of cards.
"You'll regret this."
He wouldn't, if she never came to be affected by his karma, then he certainly wouldn't, no matter if losing her eventually would bring hell upon his sanity. No, their night spent together hadn't been a mistake, even if a few details remained obscure, he could still clearly remember loving her with every ounce of his being.
What he couldn't bear to even think about was her regretting staying, because it would mean he was right from the beginning and oddly enough, he didn't want to be. Opening himself up to her, Xiao left his heart at her mercy, vulnerable and hopelessly in love.
Was he allowed to feel like this? To want something, someone? Hu Tao certainly thought so and seemed motivated to prove it to him.
"You say I'm stubborn, right? Then believe me when I say I won't regret a thing."
The kiss felt like being released from invisible shackles, despite the voices of those he had killed coming back a little louder than before, looking to make him realize that this happiness was ephemeral. Xiao drowned them out and instead focused on basking in the passion of her movements against his lips.
Gently, he slipped from her and lied down on the bed right by her side, both of them panting, filling the silence that would otherwise have settled between them.
"You know… I meant what I said, that I would walk around the harbor with the bite marks, but to do that, I need to be able to walk in the first place," Hu Tao commented as she turned to face him with a tired grin, face still flushed from her climax.
She laughed at the glare he sent in her direction, but Xiao knew it wouldn't have any effect, given he probably looked as much of a mess as she did at the moment.
"Sorry…" he mumbled, looking away. If there was one thing he didn't want to do, it was hurt her. It wasn't surprising to hear that he needed to be more than careful; he wasn't used to loving, after all.
Xiao didn't move away when she scrambled to move closer to him, placing her head on top of his chest. It was slightly awkward, given she was still injured, but somehow, she managed.
"No, no, it's okay. I like it, you'll just have to help me get used to it!" Hu Tao told him with a smile. No shame, as always, because the implications of her words were obvious.
She said she liked it, though, so he figured it was alright to not worry.
"You talk too much."
"I love you, too, grumpy Yaksha," she replied instead and he looked down at her with obvious surprise in his eyes. It was the first time she'd said it directly, and it was enough for him to ignore the absurd nickname. She smiled one last time before closing her eyes with a sigh. "It's okay, you don't have to say it. I know you do."
Xiao wanted to say it, though. He could say all he wanted about what he didn't deserve—a part of him still couldn't grasp the fact that the girl he loved was lying next to him, bare because they'd already crossed that line—, but he could give her what she deserved, especially after ignoring her for two weeks straight.
He waited until she was asleep to say it, as if to taste the words in his mouth.
"I love you," a whisper that even he couldn't be sure he heard himself. Much to his dismay, the very-not-asleep Hu Tao giggled tiredly.
"Heard that!"
Xiao sighed, feigning annoyance, but even he couldn't help but chuckle at her antics.
