A/N:

this is an au of an au, wherein obito 'wakes up' before the Uchiha Massacre

fair warning, this is *incredibly* stupid


"Hey, 'Tachi, I can't help but notice you've been kinda on edge lately," Shisui says, still looking towards the sunset. "You can always talk to me, you know."

Itachi just barely purses his lips, feeling his gut churn with guilt. He hates keeping secrets from Shisui, he really does, but—

"Itachi," a familiar voice calls out, and despite himself, he sucks in a sharp breath, Sharingan activating instinctively as he spins around.

" Madara ," he says, glancing between the man and Shisui.

Shisui, who was already standing behind him and looking ready for battle, jerks backwards, giving Itachi a bewildered look. "Did you just say what I think you did?"

Itachi's eyes flick towards his best friend, and he must look particularly frazzled, because Shisui's expression immediately transforms into one of concern. He glances at Madara, then sucks in a breath, steeling his expression.

"Who exactly are you?" he asks testily, holding out a kunai as he scans the man with his own Sharingan. Itachi admires his bravery, he always has, but he wishes that Shisui would try to take his own advice and read the room more often, or at least clamp down on his urges to start problems.

…Speaking of, Itachi can't help but notice that he's gotten worse ever since he started taking more missions with Kakashi-senpai. If he survives this encounter, he'll make sure that the silver-haired man knows how hard he's made his life lately - even if that means that he has to grab him and shake him by the shoulders so he can't ignore him by staring at that 'literature' of his.

"Uh," Madara says, and it immediately draws Itachi's attention back to the present. "Your m— no ," he cuts himself off, sounding annoyed. "I have got to stop saying that…"

Shisui gives Itachi a look that tells him that he thinks Madara is crazy. Itachi is inclined to agree.

"Ugh, whatever," Madara mutters, then looks back up at the two of them. "You two…," he pauses before exhaling, "Need to go to therapy."

Shisui is clearly thrown, and honestly, Itachi isn't faring much better. "...Therapy?" Shisui echoes.

"Yes, therapy ," Madara stresses. "It's like, crazily unhealthy for both of you to be as self-sacrificial as you are. Also ," he says, turning towards Itachi, "I get it, you love your brother and all, but dude, you have problems . Like, seriously, talk to someone . Get a girlfriend. A boyfriend, even. I don't care who it is as long as it tempers that weird-ass complex you have."

"...Riiiight," Shisui says slowly, sounding like he's talking to a particularly dangerous toddler. Which… fair, considering how this conversation is going. Itachi has experienced more emotional whiplash within this three-minute conversation than he has in the past several years combined.

"Oh, also," Madara adds, suddenly closer to Itachi and putting him and Shisui on guard, "No killing your entire family, got that? It wouldn't be very cash money of you."

Itachi and Madara hold an impromptu staring contest, because, and he can't stress this enough, what the hell? , before Madara proceeds to narrow his visible eye.

"Am I not getting through to you or something?" he asks, then digs around in his pocket, pulling out a handful of ryo. "Here, dude, buy yourself some dango. You like that, right? It's much better than familial genocide, at least." When Itachi still doesn't reply, which he thinks is rather fair considering the circumstances, Madara reaches forwards and, ignoring Shisui's sudden movement, opens Itachi's hand, drops the ryo onto his palm, and pats it awkwardly. "There we go," he says, taking a step backwards. "Problem solved."

What problem?! Itachi wants to scream, and only his impeccable restraint keeps him from doing so.

"Uh, anyway, I gotta go like, help some old ladies or something…" Madara says, then stills. "Oh shit, Kakashi ," he breathes out before shaking his head. "Remember, kids, don't listen to one-eyed men - whether they be bandaged or masked - when they tell you to kill your family! Or… something like that. Bye!"

Itachi watches him disappear into a vortex and decides that maybe he won't have to confront Kakashi-senpai at all. Even he, eccentric as he is, wouldn't stand a chance against Madara's apparent brand of insanity.

"...What," Shisui says flatly, still staring at where Madara had been standing only moments prior, "The fuck."


A/N:

i wrote this at like 4am instead of sleeping, because i am incompetent

you're welcome