Mikasa sat at her desk, thinking about what the boy said
"Yeah, I know. I'm the only thing left as family for my mother and she tries her hardest to not lose me. She makes sure I get good food to eat. She tries to keep me safe, almost to the point of being overprotective about me. But in the past three months, she hasn't even tried to understand what I'm going through."
She then thought about what Armin said
"Eren didn't become a monster. The world turned him into one…we turned him into one."
"If I put it that way, we never really saved the world did we? All we were doing was just cleaning up our mistake. Because we failed to help Eren when he needed us the most."
She then thought about her childhood, during her initial days at Eren's home
Mikasa was tossing and turning in her bed, as the scenes of her parents' murder flashed in front of her eyes. The blood all over, her pregnant mother lying lifeless and her stabbed father right in front as she stared in shock, the evil smiles on the kidnappers' faces as they looked down at her.
She woke up screaming, with tears in her eyes, cold sweat, and heavy breaths
She looked to see herself in Eren's room, on the bed. When she first came here, she was to sleep in Eren's room. Eren offered to sleep on the floor while Mikasa took his bed, at least until he gets a new bed.
Hearing the sound, Eren woke up from his sleep to see Mikasa awake with slight tears in her eyes
"O-Oi Mikasa! Are you okay?!"
"I-It's nothing…I'm fine." She said with her usual neutral tone, trying to keep herself calm
Eren then got up to his feet and walked up to her
"Liar. Tell me what happened." He accused her
"L-Like I said, nothing happened." She said as she turned her head away.
Eren slightly scowled. He then cupped her face in his hands and turned it to him.
"Look at me and tell that." He said to her slowly as he looked her in the eye
She tried to protest again, but looking at his face, she wasn't able to put up her facade anymore. She then began to cry as she slightly held his shirt. She slowly whimpered
"I-I had a bad dream…of my parents. I…miss them…"
Eren then held her head against him as she continued to cry. He slowly whispered
"Shh…Shh…it's okay…it's okay…you're alright now…I'm here now, right?"
She continued to cry until his shirt became wet. When she looked up, she saw him with a gentle smile.
"I'll be here until you sleep, okay? Don't be scared..." he said as he made her sleep, while gently patting her hair
Mikasa nodded sideways and slightly pulled his sleeve
"N-No. Eren, c-could you sleep next to me for the whole night?"
"Huh?"
"Please Eren…" she said with slight tears in her eyes
Eren sighed and then climbed onto the bed as he slowly began to pat her. He slept straight with him on his back and Mikasa turned to look at him with a light smile on her face. Eventually, she ended up hugging him towards the morning.
Carla was quite unhappy with what had happened. But when Eren told her his true intentions, she understood and let it slide. But from then on, Carla slept next to Mikasa every night, making her feel safe from her nightmares and that she was alright. Every time she started to cry, Carla wiped her tears, every time with a smile on her face. Although her scar of a cynical personality remained, her tears and pain gradually went away with time.
As she reminisced that memory, Mikasa gently smiled. She missed those secure days behind the walls…with Eren and the Yeager family beside her. Ever since the walls were compromised, she vowed to protect Eren at any costs, partly because of her selfish desire to preserve the little bit of that life she had…a happy life. It was the sole reason she joined the military, despite her own desire to live a peaceful life with Eren.
She then asked herself as she remembered Ronnie's words:
"I'm also a human dammit! Even I have feelings, even I have attachments, and it affects me just as much as her, if not more when I lose them."
When was the last time she consoled Eren like that for something or someone he had lost?
It didn't have to be a hug or anything…just words at the least.
When was the last time she thought of Eren's mental well-being?
When Shiganshina was destroyed and Carla was eaten by the Smiling Titan, what kind of emotional support did she give Eren? Even though he was right next to her, clearly traumatized, what did she say or do to him to come to terms with it? Unlike her, who turned away from the scene, Eren witnessed every moment of his mother's death, the death of the one person whom he cared about the most. Carla meant a lot more to Eren than Mikasa ever will. And what did Mikasa do for him after that day? She just stuffed a piece of bread into his mouth, telling him to survive. She didn't even say a word to console him. All she thought about was survival, and nothing else.
When the Survey Corps was defeated by the Female Titan, Eren lost his whole squad because he made a bad choice by choosing them to fight instead of him. Did she do enough to ease the tremendous guilt he felt? The guilt that all their deaths were his fault…did she even understand the extent of that guilt?
In Reiss Chapel, when Eren cried and berated himself that he was useless and that he was nothing, it was only Jean, Connie, Sasha, and Historia who supported him emotionally. What did she do? She simply offered to protect him from danger, even at that point. And the way she looked at him that time, it was almost as though she thought of him as pathetic for crying like that.
When Eren spoke about the Curse of Ymir, all she thought of was that Eren would die soon…her Eren…her home to return to will be gone. And after that…so will Armin. She didn't even think for a second about what Eren would be thinking about all this. How Eren's taking in all this information. If she would have found out through a really horrible, unseen memory of her parent that she will die in less than ten years, what would she be thinking about? How terrified or depressed will she be at the thought of all this? When she has had hopes of a happy future all along? What will she wish for… in the final years of her life? Even if she had thought out this much, she could have understood at least half of Eren's suffering and his pain. But she didn't. And so, she couldn't even begin to understand the change in his personality that the realization brought about to him, much less accept it.
Until that point, at least Armin understood what Eren was going through, more than her, at least. But after that, even he couldn't understand him. Or as Armin said, he never tried to. Even though Eren's personality changed so much.
Even if what they did till now could be forgiven under grounds of survival, what she and Armin did to Eren in Marley was something that was far into the lines of what anyone would call cruel. They were on the other side of the sea, something which Eren wanted to know about all his life…and yet, when they went there, his mood was unenthusiastic, indifferent, probably even disturbed. Despite all the curiosity and excitement around him, his face didn't even change. It would have been better if they didn't even notice his change in demeanor, even when Eren got depressed over ice cream.
But truth was, Mikasa did notice it. Even Armin did. And yet, they chose to ignore it. Because they didn't want to accept the fact that he had changed. They still wanted to see him as they saw him in their childhood.
While Armin still wanted him to be the boy whom he always looked up to for courage, Mikasa wanted him to be the same boy who had always been her source of strength and comfort. They didn't want to accept him being weak like this.
Even after she had seen how merciless Eren was in Liberio, she still refused to believe that Eren was suffering mentally and claimed that he was being manipulated by Zeke. Even then, she still clung to the caring, gentle person she had met back in her childhood. The man who'd stand up for the right thing.
Till the end, Mikasa didn't understand Eren well enough to understand the pain he went through. She always wanted him to come back to her, to stay close to her. That was the first thing she asked him to do when she went with him to Marley, the first thing she asked him when she saw him again in Liberio. When Armin told that Eren had been an ally all along, that was the first thing that came to her mind. Even when Eren called the alliance to the Paths, Mikasa still pleaded and thought of the same thing: To come back to her. She never had an intention to kill Eren when she joined the alliance. Her only goal was to get her Eren back…the man because of whom she always found herself at home.
Even in the end, it wasn't her or Armin who understood Eren the most. It was Jean, the one who was widely considered to be Eren's rival and complete opposite. He was the one who truly understood what Eren meant to do, even though he wasn't as close to him as Mikasa and Armin. To an extent, even his long-time enemy Reiner understood Eren's suffering better than those two.
Ever since the beginning, Jean had tried to warn Mikasa about his change in personality and his mental health time after time, but she always chose to disagree with it.
She failed to understand that unlike her, who only cared about the well-being of only a few people, Eren was someone who cared about a lot more people, enough to die trying to protect them. And after seeing them die right in front of him, because of him, one can't imagine the pain he must have felt. And how that pain will mold itself into his personality. She remembered how devastated she was when Sasha died. And Eren had seen enough of those for many lifetimes.
Added to that, his memories of the future only made things worse for him. He was going through so much in his head, so much that it was visible to everyone, and yet…she chose to ignore it. Every…single…time.
Maybe…Eren eventually realized the fact that she had always been ignorant of his mental agony. Even though Eren didn't fully mean it, what he said to her that day might have been true to an extent. He hated her. He hated her because she didn't understand him at all despite claiming him as 'family'…despite loving him…despite being so overprotective about him. She didn't understand his pain…how much he was suffering inside…all these years…and in the time when the whole world saw him as a threat and an enemy, she was the only one who cared for his well-being. While Mikasa saw him as her home to return to, Eren couldn't feel the same about her.
All her life, all she thought of was herself and she never bothered to put herself in Eren's shoes, even though Eren didn't do that to her…at least until the time when he was plagued by his inheritors' memories.
The first time they met, Eren understood how she felt: she saw her parents being murdered, got kidnapped, and was about to be sent to be a slave in the Capital. He understood how scared she was at that moment of every person around her. So, he didn't even touch her, be it while he threw his scarf to her or when he tugged her sleeve instead of her hand when he told her to come home.
Although part of the reason was his anger at Mikasa, another reason why he berated Mikasa so much that day was because he knew how pained Mikasa would be when he'll die soon. He knew that his death will tear her apart, a woman who was already broken since her parents' death. That's why he tried to make her hate him, forget about him so that she could live a happy life, although he really wished for her to think of him his whole life…to have her all to himself.
He knew exactly what she wanted for most instances.
On the other hand, she never did.
As Mikasa thought about all this, she heard a knock on the door.
A/N: If you have an argument to this...please feel free to put it in the comments.
