Mikasa visited Eren's grave that evening. The weather was chilly and she wore a white sweater along with her red scarf. The sweater was a gift from the children for her birthday. They bought it for her by contributing little amounts of money on their end. It was the next special thing to her after her scarf and she wore it every time it was cold. Unfortunately, many of the children who did this gesture were now members of the Yeagerists.
Mikasa had the 3 roses in her hand that she always used to bring for Eren. She placed them in front of the stone and leaned against the tree, next to the grave. She then slowly said
"Armin died yesterday. He was bombed by Yeagerists."
She then looked at the stone and gently placed her hand on it
"This was…not the future you saw, right Eren? The future you left everything for…"
She then slowly started to cry
"I'm…I'm sorry Eren…I-I never understood you…all this time…not even once. Even after you snapped at me so many times, even after it annoyed you so many times, I still kept trying to save you and put my life on the line for you but…I never tried to stay by your side when you were in pain…although I always relied on you like that so much…I've…been such a horrible and ungrateful person, haven't I? You've given me everything…a family…a home…a reason to live…you've been by my side the whole time…and…I…I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most…every…single…time. I always thought about myself but…I've never even thought about the pain you must have felt. W-What kind of a friend am I? You saved my life…and I…I killed you…you were suffering so much inside…and I didn't do anything to help…nothing at all…" She said as she hugged herself
"You know, Aunt Carla asked me to be there for each another when anything bad happened. All those years, I thought I had been there for you but…today I realized…you were always alone. You held up your end of the deal, but I was nowhere near you when you really needed someone…"
Mikasa thought of all the things she's been through with Eren by her side.
"When I think about it, ever since Aunt Carla was killed…you were never happy, were you? Not even once. All I saw on your face was anger or pain which only became worse with each passing day…even as you died…"
"I can't help but think that at that moment, I should have at least told you my feelings properly…you…probably thought I only cared about you because I had an obligation to…because you were family…because you saved me as a child…and I didn't love you at all…you must have felt so terrible… if only I knew…for all the hell you've been through…you deserved at least that much…I should have at least asked about what you were going through instead of leaving you alone like that…I'm sorry…" she said as she continued to cry.
"I didn't sacrifice you for the sake of humanity…I…lost you…to it…out of my own fear…it was my fault since the beginning…"
"Although I always say the world is cruel, I can't help but think that…maybe there was a better world than this…I just can't accept this world the way it is now…after all we've done to change it for the better… it just ended up becoming worse than before…Fight…Fight…I can't keep doing it anymore…what have we won? Me, Armin and the others betrayed everyone for this, and what did we gain in the end? Not even our right to live. I and Armin kept fighting for long after you were gone…but…I'm…at my limit now…I don't know anymore…"
"As Armin said, genocide was not an answer to this. I'm sure that…if we had tried more, we could have found better ways than this…"
"I wish…I wish I could change things somehow…if I just had another chance…but I'm nothing but an old lady at this point…"
As she continued to think of all this, her exhaustion coped up with her. Before she slowly fell into a deep sleep, her last thought was
"But in the end, just like you wanted, I'm living a long life, Eren. It's been…a nice life…"
A/N: So I thought of publishing these chapters with a gap but my end-sems are coming up and I won't be able to post anything for a while ( Like the next two weeks) ( I'll just post one chapter on the 30th before I go AWOL). So I thought I'll write two chapters and post them before I get my complete focus on my studies.
Thanks a lot for the continuous support!
