Disclaimer: Law & Order SVU/OC and its characters don't belong to me. This story has been written for fun only, not for money.
Spoilers: SVU season 22 x OC season 1.
Summary: Olivia sits with Lindstrom for her session after the return of Elliot. A short story prompted by an idea of a conversation between the two.
Enjoy and please review!
Afraid
by musical-Aven
Olivia sat in Dr Lindstrom office. It was their first session since the pandemic. The first session since the return of a certain detective. Even though she had asked for that session, she wasn't very talkative, Peter noted. She was struggling to open up.
A few moments of silence had driven the discussion. He had tried to let her determine the subjects, but it was difficult. The few times he saw her struggle in a session in the last couple of years were always based in one particular subject, William Lewis. He opened that door gently, but was met with more silence.
"I don't want him to know…" she spoke after a while, in a soft voice, almost as if she was ashamed of it.
Peter took his time. He understood she meant Detective Stabler. When Olivia was admitting something to herself, he needed to give her space to open up.
"Why not?" he pushed when he thought she was ready.
She shrugged at first.
"What are you afraid of?"
That got her attention. He saw her think, and then suppress whatever came up in her mind.
"I don't know…" she exhaled after a moment.
She wasn't going to open up so easily.
"Are you afraid to let him see you as vulnerable?"
"He's seen me vulnerable before."
She wasn't looking at him. He was going to have to push her more than that. Maybe, he thought, it was due to the ten years that had passed between them.
"Are you afraid to let him see you vulnerable *now*?"
She looked up at him, understanding his question. She shook her head, taking in a deep breath. Lindstrom gave her more time. After a moment, she spoke up.
"I'm afraid of what he'll do."
At least they were getting somewhere. But he still wasn't sure where they were going with this. She was afraid of what he'd do…
"To you?"
"No." she replied rapidly, with an expression of disbelief he'd think that.
"Well, he can't do anything to William Lewis, now, he's dead."
He never passed up the chance to remind her of that. She sighed and closed her eyes. He thought it was because of his allusion to Lewis, but she looked a bit annoyed. As if she was annoyed he still hadn't understand what she meant.
"I'm afraid of what he'll do to himself." She finally said.
Peter let that answer sink in. So, she wasn't afraid of how Stabler would look at her after what happened. She wasn't afraid of being vulnerable in front this man. She was concerned for *him*? That took him by surprise.
Why would an ex-colleague (fine, ex-partner), who had left her without news for ten years, feel so guilty about what she had lived through that he would apparently harm himself? It didn't make much sense. Pushing his judgment aside, he tried to verbalize what she was saying.
"Because he'll think what happened was his fault?" he tried.
Olivia stayed silent. She was looking at no particular spot on the floor near the door of his office. Her silence confirmed what he was asking. Lindstrom didn't recognize the woman in front of him. In all the years he'd known her, she never let someone else in her head like this. She never let someone get to her like this Elliot did. And then a thought came up in his mind, something he was afraid to ask.
"Olivia, do *you* think what happened was his fault?"
It was a ridiculous question. Of course she didn't believe that. But he still had to ask. Because if she did, then her state of mind was way off of what he had diagnosed years ago.
She raised her eyes to his, there were unshed tears in them. He also saw shame and anger. How come she never said anything about this before?
"Even though he wasn't there?" he tried to bring reality back to this conversation.
"*Because* he wasn't there." She replied, convinced.
So she thought that if Stabler had been there, this whole thing wouldn't have happen?! He needed to diffuse this line of thoughts asap. He needed to let her know that nobody could be at fault other than Lewis. Nobody could have prevented it or changed anything.
"How can you know-"
"I know." She cut him. She offered a smile but it was full of pain. "And he'll know it too, when he learns…"
He'd know what? That he would have been able to stop a psychopath, better than the dozens of cops who were involved? That he'd been able to save her better than anyone? Peter tried to keep his thoughts to himself and not let them show on his face. But this Olivia was very new to him, and for a moment it made him doubt his assessment of her.
But she was a damn good detective. Even with his experience of keeping a straight face, she saw the disbelief, and maybe the disappointment, in him. She sat back on the sofa, resting on the pillow.
"It's how we operate." She explained, resigned in the fact.
Peter ignored all of his questions and decided to shift the conversation to the present.
"It's been ten years, Olivia. You've changed, and I'm sure he's changed as well."
He tried to give her an opening and let her see that things could be different now. She took a breath, calmer now. As if she was accepting her faith.
"But *we* haven't." she looked straight at him. "And that's what I'm afraid of the most."
Hope you enjoyed! Please review!
musical-Aven, July 2021
