A/N:
I know you probably expected the Orochimaru chapter, but I am having a hard time writing it so you get another AU instead B)
I'll probably post the next chapter on Friday, since that's my birthday - woo hoo! :)
also! I rewrote chapter 2, which has around 300 extra words (plus some inconsistencies were fixed up)
and finally:
this is kind of a crossover chapter with BNHA, but a.) there's no spoilers, and b.) you don't really need to watch BNHA to read it
There is no warning before his displacement.
One moment, he's pacing back and forth in kamui with his emotional-support Doug in his hand, mourning about the loss of modern technology, namely delicacies such as pizza rolls. Now, he may be thinking with his stomach, but at that moment, he would be willing to go head-to-head with Nagato and his cheat-code eyeballs just to taste processed bliss once again.
Tragic losses aside, the point is that one moment his activities are rather tame for the world he's currently inhabiting. And the next, he and Doug are swallowed up by a shimmering portal that appears out of nowhere before being spit out onto the dirt below.
Fun fact: there is no dirt in kamui. Just depressingly drab cubes, and the shoddily-made carpet he'd been conned into buying by a scheming old lady with a sob story.
He takes in a breath and chokes on a cloud of dust, feeling a major sense of deja vu.
Around him, he can hear some sort of scuffle going on. Maybe some panicking, too. He squints and raises his gaze, only for his jaw to slacken when he sees a man one-shotting people who look like Orochimaru's experiments with well-placed jabs.
This man looks suspiciously like Eraserhead, from My Hero Academia.
No, you must be thinking. That can't be right. This isn't a crossover.
Well, Obito feels much the same. But alas, this is an AU Chapter, and doesn't adhere to the loosely-thrown-together rules of this universe.
Because he would rather not get kicked in the face, he remains still and watches. He channels his inner chameleon as he presses himself to the ground. He's going by dinosaur principles; if he doesn't move, nobody will notice that he's there.
It actually works for a weirdly long amount of time, until the crowd starts thinning out and a villain reacts to his presence before being knocked out with an impressive kick.
Aizawa stares at him. Obito stares back.
"I'm not with these guys," he says. He doesn't think the man believes him.
But as long as he's not directly attacking, Aizawa is content to just keep his eye on him. His quirk has no effect on Obito and even his untrained ass could probably take him down with magic ninja bullshit powers, but he doesn't poke the bear with a stick, just in case.
Unfortunately, he can't remain idle for too long, because eventually Nomu is called to action. It is—
Disgusting.
Its brains are peeking out of its dark, mottled skull, and its eyes are blanker than a dead man's. Which. Makes sense, considering.
Obito grimaces at the thought of evil-er Big Bird - worse than ostriches, even - chomping down on his skull with its beak, though he doesn't move from where he stands. He knows what is meant to happen next, and while he's been here for all of five minutes, if anything happens to Aizawa, he'll (attempt to) kill everyone here and then himself.
When Shigaraki calls out a command - and jeez, does that guy need to down some cough drops or something, because his voice is scratchy as hell - Obito is already in front of Aizawa. Only when the Nomu approaches does he realize that he doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
It seems Aizawa has also realized that he doesn't have a plan. But Obito will not back down for things like logic or reasoning. No, he digs his chakra-enhanced heels into the dirt and refuses to budge.
Nomu is unable to move him, even a centimeter. Shigaraki's gobsmacked silence speaks volumes. Obito wonders if it'd be fucked up for him to laugh.
Probably.
"You… Who the hell are you, huh?! There was no info about another hero being here! What kinda cheat codes are you using?!"
"The power of Doug," Obito tells him seriously, then glances up at Nomu. "Behold," he says, and thrusts his fist forward, Doug still in hand.
Nomu goes flying into the water. It takes everything Obito has not to cackle at the unintended cannonball.
"No…," Shigaraki lets out, then grabs his head. "No, no, no! That's not how this works! You can't do that!"
"Git gud, m8."
Shigaraki snarls at him, leaping out with reckless abandon, and Obito somehow manages to grab his wrist.
"Oh," Obito lets out. "Um."
The man twitches and raises his other hand, managing to disintegrate a part of his sleeve because he has to jerk Doug away.
"Never," he says in the most offended tone he can manage, "Go after a man's dog."
Shigaraki stares at him. Obito cannot tell what he's thinking, since he has a literal hand on his face.
After a moment of consideration, he throws him too. Not quite as hard, because he doesn't want to know the consequences of accidentally murdering the guy, but enough to hurt, and quite possibly break some bones.
"Kurogiri," Shigaraki hisses out.
The misty man eyes Obito for all of a second before a purple portal begins swirling beneath Shigaraki.
"What— no, no, take him ou —"
And just like that, they're both gone, leaving behind a wide array of groaning villains that are probably very unhappy about being abandoned.
Slowly, he turns towards Aizawa, who is eyeing him with a mixture of exasperation and bewilderment. Also like he needs a tremendous amount of sleep.
"I don't suppose you can just let me go?" he asks hopefully.
Aizawa stares at him, expression somehow becoming even more unamused. Obito's shoulders slump.
"I already told you— oh, what the fuck, is that a cat?"
There's a brief, awkward pause before the cat cop leaves the room. Obito turns his gaze towards Tsukauchi, hoping his gaze is appropriately apologetic.
"That was rude, wasn't it? Can you tell him that I'm sorry later?"
The man stares at him for several seconds before letting out an exhale. "Sure," he tells him. Obito beams, and the man heads over to the chair on the other side of the table. "My name is Tsukauchi Naomasa," he greets. "My quirk is called 'Lie Detector.' It's as it sounds; if you tell me a lie, I'll be able to tell. Knowing this, will you submit to questioning?"
Obito tilts his head, then shrugs. "Alright." It's not like he really has anything to hide in this universe anyway. "But only if I can have Doug."
"Doug," Tsukauchi echoes, then frowns. "The stuffed dog?"
"He's more than that," Obito tells him. "Emotional support, mostly."
Tsukauchi opens, then closes his mouth. "Is 'Doug' a weapon, or can he cause any harm?"
"Only to that Nomu I sucker punched. And that was all me, between you and us."
"...Good enough," the detective eventually says, making some sort of hand motion through the air. Considering the fact that the cat cop walks back in with Doug in hand a minute later, he suspects that there are people listening (and watching) in.
"I'm sorry," he tells the cat cop as he takes Doug from his—
Hands? Paws? Haws?
Either way, the cat cop just snorts and walks away. Obito chooses to believe that means he's forgiven.
"So. What's up?" he asks Tsukauchi as the door closes behind the cat cop.
The man pays his casual phrasing no mind. "As I said before, we need to ask you a few questions, mostly pertaining to the incident at the USJ. But before that, I need to know a few things about you." He clicks his pen and glances up at Obito. "First, what's your name?"
"Obito Uchiha," he answers easily.
The detective pauses. "You're sure?"
Obito squints, then hides a grimace. "That's what I go by," he amends. "And have been for a while now."
Tsukauchi seems hesitant to move on, but nods nonetheless, probably figuring he can try to figure it out later. Jokes on him.
"Where are you from?"
Um.
"...A village. You wouldn't know it. It's surrounded by a really big forest."
"What's its name?"
"Konohagakure."
Tsukauchi hums. "And you live there?"
"...Not for a while, no." Before Tsukauchi asks him to expand, he says, "I've been traveling lately. Haven't really found a place to settle."
Since everyone back home thinks I'm dead and I have a bunch of murderers after me. You know how it is.
The man in front of him is very clearly suspicious, but that's just too bad for him because technically nothing Obito has said has been a lie.
"Alright. That's enough of that, for now," Tsukauchi says after glancing somewhere behind Obito. "Why were you at the USJ?"
That, Obito can answer truthfully. "I have no idea."
Tsukauchi pauses. "What?"
"I don't know," he says, absently petting Doug. "I was just doing my own thing before I got eaten up by a portal. Next thing I know, I'm in the dirt and watching some ninja guy kick ass."
Tsukauchi looks amused by that last bit, funnily enough. "So you are unassociated with the 'League of Villains'?"
"I am not associated with them, no."
"And you have no ill intentions in relation to U.A.'s students or any of its teachers?"
"Nope," Obito confirms pleasantly. "Just a 'wrong place, wrong time' type of deal. But hey, speaking of: do you think you could figure out how to get me home?"
Tsukauchi glances at him. "We can, as soon as you're cleared. But you'd have to point out where you live."
"I cannot do that," Obito informs him, then snorts when Tsukauchi frowns. "Literally. I mean, I'm fairly certain that I'm from a different dimension."
Tsukauchi stares at him. Obito offers him a winning smile.
"...Right," the man says, then exhales. "Great."
Obito nods sympathetically. "If it makes you feel better, this isn't the first time something like this has happened to me."
Tsukauchi pinches the bridge of his nose. "It does not."
"...Fair enough."
A good fifteen minutes after he's been left alone, Tsukauchi walks in, looking tired.
"Heyo, detective!" Obito greets cheerfully.
Tsukauchi, clearly used to dealing with bullshit, greets him with a brief smile. "Hello. Sorry for the wait, but it'll take a little longer still. Can I get you anything, or are you fine for now?"
Obito almost denies the offer, only to pause when he remembers that he's technically in the future. He slowly raises his gaze to meet Tsukauchi's gaze, eyes shining with hope. "Yeah," he breathes, excitement unhindered by Tsukauchi's suddenly wary expression. "Do you have pizza rolls?"
A/N:
afterword:
Obito enjoys some pizza rolls and goes home when he threatens portal man bodily harm with Doug, much to Tsukauchi's consternation. all ends well.
if you don't know what totino's pizza rolls are, i feel bad for you and your unclogged arteries
anyway
Thanks for reading!
