For the longest time, Kyo had never thought he'd get to have children. When he'd been a kid himself, and even a teenager, he'd refused to even consider the idea. Kagura, when she'd have him in a stranglehold, would sometimes ask in a daydreamy sort of way how many kids he thought they should have; whether they'd be boys or girls; what their names would be. Kyo would angrily tell her to quit being such an idiot, and he'd mean it, too; even if they were dating, which they weren't, those questions would never matter.
The previous Cat had had a child, Kazuma's father. It might have been allowed, for Kyo to have 'a companion' and to father a child of his own, even while he was confined. But that had been the previous Cat's choice; it would never be Kyo's. It was bad enough to be the Cat himself; he would never inflict that stigma on anyone else, especially not another innocent child.
'Kyo...what do you think about maybe...having a baby, someday? Not right now, of course! But later on...after we're more settled?'
Yes, he wanted them to have a baby. He and Tohru, together, making a new child who'd come into the world knowing nothing but love. Who would be supported, cared for, and raised right, in a home with parents who loved them, and always would. A child who would grow up in a community where they would be accepted, not shunned for their parentage, or their birthright.
'Mr. Sohma, would you like to meet your son?'
Twenty-four years had passed since that wild, terrifying day. Since Kyo had prayed for Tohru's life, and for Hajime's, only to be swept away in tearful relief when he learned they were ok. Since he'd first had tiny orange-haired baby placed in his arms. His child. His son, who would grow up, far away from that world of hatred, where orange hair had been all the justification anyone needed to make a child cry.
That was a promise.
"Congratulations, you two. You have another healthy little son!"
He had never wanted to have children. Not when him being their father would mean they were hurt, all because of him and who he was. As long as he was confined, as long as his children grew up near the Sohmas, people would know, and people would judge. They could be black-haired, brown-haired, blond; it didn't matter; people would still know, and people would still hate them, all because of him.
But he wasn't confined, and he never would be, either. His children...would be safe.
'Damn, Sohma; there's no denying those kids are yours, is there? Who knew orange hair was so dominant?'
Even if he'd wanted to deny his sons, he wouldn't have been able to. Hajime had Tohru's brown eyes, but he still had muted orange hair, and as he grew up he looked more and more like Kyo by the day. Katsuro had had Kyo's hair and eyes both; it had taken him a while to grow, but once he was sixteen...suddenly, it was like looking at Kyo himself as a teenager. Both of them had looked like him, but for them, it hadn't been a curse. They had been teased, yes. Sometimes painfully so. More than once, over the years, Kyo's heart had ached at how cruel children could be to those who looked different. But even then...it had just been the natural cruelty of kids.
Mostly.
"Just as we got there...the guy tried to hit him, Kyo."
Not safe. Never safe. Not a decade after the Curse had broken, when they were on the Sohma estate. Not almost two decades after the Curse had broken.
'Hajime an' I were walking home from the main house an' this guy came up outta nowhere and just started screaming at us!'
'Katsuro, where's Hajime?'
'On the road from the main house. He told me to run-'
There were people...who would never forget. Kyo's biological father might have been the worst offender, but he wasn't the only one. Years might pass, but those people...those vicious, hateful people...they would always remember. Until they all died, or Kyo himself died...he would still, in their eyes, always be the Cat, and always be loathsome.
In their eyes...
'Are her eyes...orange?'
'The funniest thing happened at karate today, Daddy; this kid, in my class? He saw my eyes do that thing yours do sometimes, where they get all slitty!'
His daughter. The one he'd never expected, the one they hadn't planned. The one who had terrified him, the moment he learned she was coming. They were managing well enough with two, but it was still hard; how were they supposed to manage, when they were outnumbered? And that was just with it being a third baby.
'Kyo, it's ok. It's ok if you're not ready. But it's also just ok, really ok. You can hold her, and nothing bad is going to happen.'
Thirteen years since the Curse had broken; thirteen years of holding Tohru in his arms. But in that moment, faced with holding his newborn daughter, Kyo felt a fear he hadn't felt since he didn't know when. The fear that he would try...that he would take her in his arms...and he would be gone. Kyo the man would disappear, and all that remained would be the Cat. He had been so afraid...
For nothing.
She would always be safe, in his arms.
He had worried, so much, about all three of them. He had been unable to protect them from everything; they had all had times where they'd been hurt. Even times where they'd been hurt because of him. Kyo had listened to Hajime's grim-faced recitation of the boy he'd fought for teasing him about his and Kyo's looks. Watched Katsuro sit at the table, fighting back tears as he recounted being teased about his. Even hearing Sachiko's laughing commentary about that kid's observation about her eyes...all of that had stung, and all of it had been because of him. But even so...they'd been happy, for the most part. They'd been happy; they had friends. A supportive community.
And all of them had always been loved.
The only place that had changed, for even a moment, had been right here, on the Sohma estate. Where his children had faced the venom he'd known every day, until he'd moved away and left it far behind. The venom that lingered on, poisoning the air, and the people who breathed it, nearly thirty years later...
"Hey Dad, everything ok?"
Hajime's voice was borderline concerned, and Kyo suddenly realized that all of his family members were looking at him.
"Yes, you're being pretty quiet, Dad," Katsuro said thoughtfully, just as Sachiko asked,
"What is it, Daddy?"
Kyo exhaled, then smiled apologetically. "Everything's, fine, sorry I was spacing out," he said, looking at them all. "I was just thinking how long it's been since I haven't been with your mom on Valentine's Day, and I guess I got a little distracted."
"Aww," Sachiko teased, and the boys all smiled. And the conversation resumed; all of them talking about their plans for the day, and the rest of the weekend.
Tohru had smiled at him, too. That sweet, warm, affectionate smile that he knew and loved so very well, and always had...
But her eyes were thoughtful, as she studied him, and while Kyo smiled back at her, he could tell that she, at least, didn't believe him for a moment.
"Kyo, what's wrong?"
Tohru didn't waste any time, once the kids had all dropped from the call and it was just the two of them. Her expression was as affectionate as ever, but her eyes were concerned, and she didn't even give him a chance to deny it before adding, "you know I can tell, don't you? And furthermore..." she adjusted herself so she was sitting more comfortably, "there's been something on your mind for a while, hasn't there?"
Kyo was silent, and Tohru's expression became more anxious. "Is everything alright with Master Kazuma?"
Kyo blinked, then immediately nodded. "Oh yeah, Dad's doing great. The bruises are all healed, and his ribs're much better now; Hatori says it's too early to say on the breaks, but considering it's only been a month, he's doing pretty good. Great, even," he corrected himself.
"Then what is it?" she asked, and Kyo was silent again. "You know you can tell me anything, and if something is bothering you...I really want to hear it. Maybe I can help."
Kyo sighed. "Honestly, Tohru...I dunno if you can," he admitted.
"Try me," she said, so very determinedly that it almost made him laugh. That was so like Tohru; he'd always wished he had her confidence.
But she was right; he always had been able to tell her anything.
Even the ugly things.
"Tohru...I don't think I want this," he said, his voice barely a whisper. And Tohru frowned, leaning closer to try and hear better.
"I'm so sorry, Kyo, could you repeat that, a little louder?"
Kyo took a deep breath. He'd been trying not to even think this for so very long; saying it out loud made it all seem so real...and so very blasphemous.
But it had been staring him in the face...and it was time he admitted it.
"I don't want this, Tohru," he said, his voice still quiet but properly audible. "I've been fighting it, and fighting it, and trying to convince myself I'm wrong. For years now, I've been trying. Thinking that the only reason I never pushed Dad to make a plan, or an actual timeline, was outta respect for Dad. Or because of the kids. But now that I'm here, now that I'm helping out with everything, now that I'm seeing, and listening, and being taught...I don't want this."
"Kyo," Tohru said, her voice hesitant, "Do you mean-"
"I mean I don't want the dojo, Tohru."
The words lay heavily between them, and Kyo's voice was pained as he continued.
"I feel like such shit for even thinking it. I mean, I've been wanting this almost my whole life, ever since I was a kid! I wanted it, and Dad wanted it for me, and we've both gone so long planning this for me, and now that it's finally getting to maybe be time...I don't want it!"
Kyo shook his head. "Do you know Dad's gotta go to meetings of the Sohma family board, four times a year? To show 'em everything to do with the dojo, and how it's doing, just to keep 'em in the loop? 'Cause even though this place is his, it's also kinda the Sohmas', and if he wants to keep having their patronage and support, they've gotta know the dojo's doing ok. And that part...yeah, I guess it makes sense. It's on the estate, a lotta Sohmas are students...it makes sense," he repeated.
He swallowed. "I just...I don't think I can do it, Tohru. I don't think I can want to do it. I went with Dad, to the board meeting last month. And there were two old people, who were looking at me..." Kyo's lips curled into a snarl, remembering. "I dunno who they were, but they sure as hell looked like they knew who I was. And yeah, maybe the older I get, the more of those people...will die," he said, his expression grim. "But I just...I don't know if I can go back to that life, Tohru. Where people look at me like that, and see me like that. Where I have to even think about that, at all."
Tohru's eyes were angry now, and Kyo almost smiled. He wasn't surprised; she always had been his fiercest defender.
"But honestly, Tohru, it's not even just the Sohmas. Not really." He sighed, leaning heavily back on his arms. "I love this place, and I love being able to help Dad out. But it's so different, which, yeah, I knew. But those differences..." Kyo shook his head. "You know how freaked out I was to have coworkers, in the very beginning. But I love those guys, all of 'em. I love getting to go in every day, and seeing 'em, and working together. Here, there's almost no day classes. Almost no staff. Dad's got part-time instructors who cover the evenings and weekends, since that's when he's got the most students. A shit-ton of students, honestly, so yeah...that scheduling makes sense. But that's it, no full-time instructors, or anyone else here during the day except him and Kunimitsu. And he's always liked it that way, which I get, but..."
He stared down at his hands. "I like where we are, Tohru. I like where I am, where all I've gotta worry about is the karate itself, and how my students are doing. Where I don't gotta worry about dojo maintenance, or accounts, or staff balances, or any of that stupid business shit. And I feel stupid, and selfish, for saying this, but...I don't wanna move. I don't wanna leave everything, and everyone, you and I've built up over the years. I always thought I wanted to come back here and take over the dojo, but I never really thought about what I'd be doing until then. I never really realized that coming back meant leaving somewhere else."
He shook his head. "I know, it probably sounds pretty stupid-"
"No, Kyo, it doesn't sound stupid, not at all."
Kyo was surprised to hear the catch in Tohru's voice, and he looked back up to see tears in her eyes.
"All of those things...they're valid, Kyo. All of them. Of course you'd idolize the dojo; it was your happy place, after all," she said, and Kyo himself laughed.
"Yeah, it sure was, for a really long time," he said.
"But Hibe...that's been a happy place, too," she said.
"The happiest," he replied, and Tohru nodded tearfully.
"I won't lie, and say it's been perfect," she said quietly. "There have been so many times over the years, especially early on, when I wished it were possible for us to come back, for us to live in Tokyo again. To see our friends there, all the time. For our kids to grow up with our friends' kids," she said, beaming. "But those feelings...they never lasted too long," she admitted. "Because I knew that we weren't the same people we'd been back then, none of us. It wouldn't be the ways it used to be, back before we graduated, when everyone would get together at Shigure's house on a random weekday evening. Everyone has jobs, and families, and responsibilities...and we've all grown up," she said softly.
"Yeah...we all have," Kyo agreed.
"I love our life here," Tohru said emotionally. "I love our house, with our roof, and our stars. Our yard, with my gardens. All of our wonderful friends..."
Tohru took a deep breath. "I've always supported you on taking over the dojo, Kyo, and I still do. If, after thinking about it more, or after you talk with Master Kazuma more you change your mind, then that will be ok. I'll find a community in Tokyo again, so don't you worry about me," she said, smiling broadly before her smile slipped and she admitted "But given the choice...I'd so much rather stay here."
Kyo exhaled, then looked at her. He wished he could be with her; to hold her in his arms, and kiss away her tears. It didn't matter that both of them were getting older; that both of them now had lines on their faces, that Tohru's hair was liberally flecked with grey. She was still the same Tohru he'd fallen in love with all those years ago, the same Tohru who made his heart skip a beat and lifted his spirits when he felt down. The same Tohru he'd always cherished, and always world.
He'd always be happy, anywhere at all, as long as she was with him.
"I don't know how I'm gonna tell him, Tohru," Kyo said softly. "But even if nothing actually changes for our plan...I owe him the truth. Even if he still wants me to take it over, even if he gives me full permission to change things here...I've gotta tell him my doubts. I owe him that," he said, looking down.
"He'll be happy you trust him enough to be honest, Kyo. All Master Kazuma has ever wanted was for you to be happy."
"Yeah, but he also always thought that the two of us would be happy about the same thing, Tohru. I'm afraid...I'm gonna break his heart," Kyo said, swallowing. "And I dunno how I'm gonna live with myself if I do."
"Well, you don't have to say anything right now," she reminded him. "You can take more time to think about it. You still have eight weeks there, after all."
"Yeah..." He thought about that, then gave Tohru a little smile. "I wish you were here, with me."
"I do, too. Especially today," she said, once again a little choked up.
"Well, we'll just have to make up for lost time when we see each other next, right?" Kyo asked, and Tohru smiled.
"We well. And in the meantime...happy Valentine's Day, Kyo."
"Happy Valentine's Day, Tohru. Happy Valentine's Day, happy parenthood day, happy...day," he said, smiling at her affectionately. "Love you, more than you'll ever know."
"I love you too, Kyo. Always..."
"And forever."
Putting his thoughts out there to Tohru had been freeing, but after ending the call, Kyo hardly felt better. Yes, it was good to finally admit it; yes, it was wonderful to know that Tohru was actually on the same page. But rather than her feelings being a relief, they almost made him feel worse; how was he supposed to give the subject a fair reassessment, knowing that his wife didn't want that future, either?
It wasn't as though any of this had crept up on him. He was forty-seven, after all, and he and Kazuma had started officially talking about Kyo taking over when he was seventeen, barely a week after the Curse had broken. He could still remember that conversation: Kyo himself nervous and excited, Kazuma quiet and attentive, when he'd sat in front of his father at the dojo and talked to him about what he wanted from his life, now that he was free to choose. How he wanted to teach karate, just like Kazuma...and finally be a part of the world.
How had he not realized, then, how much that world would grow on him?
Kazuma had agreed with him, and encouraged him. Smiled at him...and promised him the future of his dreams.
'One day, when I can no longer run this place...it will be yours. And I know that as sad as that day will be, it will also be filled with joy; the day I see my son take my place; his place, here in the dojo I love.'
Kyo had been so amazed, and so overjoyed. Even if the rational part of his brain had somewhat expected it, actually hearing it had been wonderful. And with that future in mind...that promise in mind...they had planned.
None of things Kyo now objected to were new. He'd always known where the dojo was located, always known the connection with the Sohmas. He knew the way classes were structured; even the changes, like Kazuma giving up the dojo's boarding students when Hajime was a toddler, were all things Kyo knew about, almost as soon as they happened. Kazuma and Kyo might not have officially planned for the day Kyo would take over, but Kazuma had always made sure to keep Kyo in the loop, about everything.
Kyo know about the business side of things. He could recall, even as a child, watching Kazuma meticulously working through the dojo accounts. That was actually why math had been one of Kyo's strongest subjects back in school; he knew he'd need the skill, one day, if he wanted to run the dojo.
Even if the dojo wasn't likely to require calculus.
No...none of it was new. But none of it...was what he wanted, either.
Not anymore.
'Master...has an acquaintance...who has a dojo, far far away from here. I could work there, and learn, at the same time so then someday, when I inherit Master's dojo...'
That had been it, once. An acquaintance; one of the many, many karatekas in Kazuma's extensive network of connections. The one who, after extensive discussion, both Kazuma and Kyo felt sounded like the best prospect for Kyo's future.
'I can't make any promises, of course, and it's admittedly been a few years since we've spoken. But Master Kenichi Matsuda is a strong karateka who's a top performer at tournaments, and his school has an excellent reputation. His dojo is somewhat rural, but large and well-regarded, with an actual permanent teaching staff. I'll reach out to him and see if he's looking to take on anyone new.'
Kyo had been excited, then, and nervous as well. On paper, the Matsuda Dojo sounded like the best fit; it was large, well-regarded, supported full-time employees...and it was far, far away from the Sohmas. He'd be able to start fresh in a place like that; to focus on his karate, to train, and work, and get better, without constantly feeling the harsh gaze of the Sohmas.
'Master Matsuda has agreed to take you on, Kyo. Going forward I've leave you two to work everything out directly between yourselves, but once you've graduated, you'll have a position. I know you'll work hard.'
Kazuma hadn't been wrong, to have that faith.
'So we finally meet, properly. It's good to have you both in Hibe, Kyo, and I look forward to welcoming you at the dojo, as soon as you are settled in.'
Kyo had hoped, once again. Hoped, that things would go well. That their new community would be welcoming, that his new job would go well. That Tohru would be happy there. That he would be happy there. It had almost seemed like too much to ask, given his past...but he still wanted it all, so very desperately.
'I have full confidence in Kazuma Sohma, and therefore I have full confidence in you. But you will likely have judgmental eyes on you for some time, so make sure you are always conducting yourself in a manner befitting the reputation of this dojo. Simply carry on as you have, and no one will be able to criticize.'
He would never give them anything to criticize. He would do himself, and Kazuma, and Sensei Kenichi all proud. He would live up to their expectations. He would exceed them. And every day, he would get stronger, in preparation for a future beyond, back at the Sohma Dojo where he had always been meant to lead.
'Seriously, Sohma, that was impressive! You've got some fire in you, don't you? Must go with that hair.'
'For being such a kid, you've got some skill.'
'Guess we're gonna have to step it up, you guys, otherwise the newbie's gonna put us to shame.'
He'd been so nervous, meeting his coworkers and the other dans for the first time. He knew he was young; he knew he was comparatively inexperienced. He was coming into a place with a stellar reputation sight unseen, hired without ever actually setting foot in the dojo or even meeting his new master face to face. And he knew that people might be skeptical of him.
He'd been right.
But he had expected that, and prepared for it. He accepted the suspicion as the test he'd always anticipated; he didn't let it get to him, didn't let it rile him, simply let it motivate him to do his best. To be his best. To prove to them that he was worthy of being one of them, worthy of being accepted by them...and he had. Before a year had passed, he was a firm member of the Matsuda Dojo team, his opinions and skill as respected as any of his peers. He had been welcome, and embraced...not just as a karateka, but as a person...
And as a friend.
'You and Tohru oughtta join us, Sohma, it'll be fun.'
And inevitably, it was.
'Hey, come sit with us, Sohma!'
He did.
'We're going to be heading into Nigeyashi after work tonight, Sohma, do you want to come?'
Yes, he did.
Little things. Little moments. Not just training together. Not just working together. Becoming...friends. Becoming community.
'Did you guys hear? Sohma finally did it, these two're engaged!'
'Congratulations, Sohma, that's wonderful!'
'Tohru must be so happy, I'm happy for you both!'
'When's the big day?'
His joys became their joys.
'Of course, Kyo, with pleasure. Ayako and I would be honored to witness your marriage, truly honored.'
It had been Kyo's honor, and always would be, to know Sensei Kenichi's name was on his marriage registration.
And likewise, their joys had become his.
'Naoki and I are going to have a baby! But don't worry, guys, you don't have to start worrying about me, yet.'
'Congratulate me, guys; Minoru and Yumi are finally getting married! We're gonna officially have a daughter-in-law!'
Time had passed. Kyo had aged. The gap between himself and his coworkers had slowly but steadily shrunk as he went from being a green but determined eighteen-year-old to an experienced twenty-something. Then thirty-something. He had been promoted, and they had been promoted, and they had all kept working together, kept training together, kept sharing experiences together.
His coworkers...his peers...his friends.
They had been there, for him, and Tohru, and his family, for nearly thirty years. Some of the faces had changed along the way; it was inevitable, given how young Kyo had been when he started, and how old some of the others had been. One by one, new people stepped into the role Kyo had once had, of 'youngest.'
'Today we welcome Sensei Emiko Ikeda, who comes to us from the Arai Dojo in Hachinohe. I am confident Sensei Ikeda will prove a strong asset to our dojo, and to our team.'
'Sensei Shibata is sure to be an excellent addition, and I look forward to seeing him at work.'
'I have full confidence in Sensei Kojima's ability to meet our standards, and in you all to keep performing as you always have.'
And as new faces had stepped in...older ones had stepped out.
'Take care of yourself, Wada. It's not gonna be the same, without you around here anymore.'
'You too, Sohma. You've always been a good guy; don't ever change that.'
Some of those changes...had been admittedly harder than others.
'I've had many things in my life that have made me happy, and brought me pride. There are very few that can rival the honor of leading this dojo for the past forty-three years, and calling you all my students. I'm trusting to you all to keep working hard, and to keep bringing honor to the Matsuda Dojo name.'
Change was inevitable. It always had been. Kyo had always known that, and always expected it. Everything in life, ultimately, was meant to change...or to end.
