Hold On (I Still Need You)

A/N: Based off of 18x15, going into the promo for 18x16.

"So," Nick began, and she looked up from where she'd been standing, pacing really, worried about Bailey, "Your…your uh…your husband was married when you first met him? Don't really remember that part of the story."

"It was a lot more complicated than that," she attempted to deflect. She didn't like that he was trying to focus on that part of the argument with Bailey. She was hurt that the other woman had even brought it up, "She just told the truth about how she sees me." On the other hand, she was worried about her, "I just need her to be okay."

"How can something like that be complicated?" he questioned.

"What?" Was he still talking about this?

"If he was married, why would you even pursue him?"

"Ah," she began, trying to figure out how to explain. And really, how could she? She paused to gather her thoughts, "I didn't know he was married when I met him. He was just some guy at the bar. It was my first night in Seattle. I'd just moved and I went out because I wanted a drink; I started my internship the next day. The next morning, I had no idea he worked here," She laughed softly at the memory, "I had just wanted a one-night stand. He pursued me. I loved him, sure, but it took a while. He uh, wore me down," She frowned. Even now, she wasn't proud of letting him do that. She had three beautiful kids that she loved beyond anything else, but she'd only stayed with him because it had been convenient, because the alternative – being alone – scared her. She realized that while on the beach with him. She'd been so happy to see him because he was Derek. And it had felt like every bad experience had faded away while she was there. But she was awake, had been for over a year now, and she remembered the ugly. The fighting and yelling and name calling. The gaslighting.

"He wore you down?" Nick's voice brought her from her thoughts.

"Hm?"

"You said he wore you down. Didn't matter that he was married." Like Bailey's words before, Nick's struck a chord.

Of course it had mattered that he was married. The moment Addison had shown up, all those years ago now, her once-guy-in-a-bar boyfriend had become nothing but a cheater in her eyes. She'd been so hurt that he'd lied to her, that he'd cheated with her, that it hadn't mattered that Addison had cheated first. In fact, Addison had openly admitted that she'd cheated first in front of her — to a patient, no less. Even now, decades later, her words still brought a strange kind of warmth. So, the wronged woman here? Dr. Grey. And I think you owe her one hell of an apology.

"When Addison had shown up at night, she introduced herself as Addison Shepherd, and I thought she was one of his sisters. And then she dropped the bombshell that he was married. That I was the woman screwing her husband. And I was, well I was confused."

"Confused?"

"Confused and hurt and," she let out a self-deprecating laugh, shaking her head slightly, "He wouldn't let go. He would openly flirt with me, and then go back to her, and I was sick of it. I just wanted him to pick me. This one good thing in my life, and it had all gone up in flames. So, I asked him to pick me." Pick me. Choose me. Love me. "It was wrong of me. I hated myself for even asking him to leave her. She was perfect. She is perfect. But she intimidated me," She'd never actually said that out loud before, "And I wanted to go back to the happy bubble of before she'd ever shown up."

"And he left her?" Nick guessed.

She laughed, wiping away a stray tear, "Oh, God no. He stayed with her for another few months. It was so clear they were both miserable. But she was determined to fix their marriage, and he stayed with her out of obligation. But I think they were trying too hard. Their marriage was over."

Her marriage to him had been over too. She knew that if he hadn't died, that once he came back from D.C., she would've asked for a divorce. She knew that now. Him leaving had given her the chance to breathe without him. And after being stifled by him, she realized that she could. All the arguments and gaslighting just proved that she would've been better off without him. Him dying had hurt, yes; the kids losing their father had hurt in a way that had been unimaginable at the time. And she'd clung onto the idea that he'd loved her until the very end. But it had been the look in the eye of one of his graduate students at his funeral that had caught her attention. That loyal, doe-eyed, painful expression on that woman's face, tears falling down her cheeks, more than his own family, that had given it away. Because of course he'd cheated.

"So, what happened?"

"Eventually, they got divorced. And she left." Even now, that morning came back to her. When she walked into Seattle Grace and there was no OB/GYN Attending. To the knowledge that Addison had packed up and left. She'd thought they were becoming sort of friends, but Addison hadn't even…

"And then you just took her place as the loving wife?" The venom in Nick's voice had her looking up, startled.

"No," she began slowly, "No, we had this weird on-again-off-again thing going on. I didn't want him, not really, but he was there and wanted me."

"He'd finally picked you, though."

She shook her head, "Not really. He'd tried dating a scrub nurse, Rose. To make me jealous. I went to therapy. Realized that I was done with him."

"But you married him. Had three kids with him."

"Because she told me to," The words were out of her mouth before she could even think to filter them.

Nick blinked, confused, "What?"

She sighed and leaned against the wall, running a hand over her face. She did not want to sound like a person that just bent to everyone's will.

"When Addison came back for a case, Derek and I were still broken up. She didn't like that Derek was with Rose, or maybe she just knew that I was who he really wanted. But she told me to not let him go." I swear if you let him ride off into the sunset with that doe-eyed little thing… "Really, she was just trying to help."

"So, you got back with him because his ex-wife told you to?"

"When you say it like that, you make it seem…" She shook her head, "Anyway, the rest is history. And now he's dead. And I'm alone."

"Alone?"

"What?" She looked over at him.

"You're alone?"

"I just meant…"

"God, what have we been doing for the last few months?"

"I don't expect you to help raise my kids," She countered, feeling hot all of a sudden; she fought to keep the anger out of her voice. He wouldn't get a rise out of her.

"Isn't that what a person does when they get with someone with kids? They help raise them?" Rationally, she knew that was probably the case, "No, wait, maybe we should ask someone to see what your answer should be."

She felt tears in her eyes, but blinked them away. She was done letting a man dictate the way she felt, "Enough."

"Tell me, do you really want to leave? Or are you just doing it because Hamilton offered?"

"I haven't made my decision yet."

"Is this just your MO? Move somewhere new, screw the first guy that takes your interest, and get him to fall in love with you?"

"No!" Even as the word came out, she fought to keep from wrapping her arms around herself.

"No, of course not, because there's no wife for you to take advice from. Sorry, ex-wife." Nick continued bitterly.

Anger coursed through her. It was a low blow, and he knew it, "Don't you dare!"

"What? It's true, isn't it? The only reason you even took that chance with him was because of his ex-wife."

"I didn't want him!"

"What does that even mean? You have three kids with him! You groveled for him, begged for him, and now that he's dead you're saying you never even wanted him?"

"I wanted her!" Silence followed her outburst, and she felt her cheeks heat slightly. God damn it.

"What?"

"When he and I broke up at Cristina's wedding, I had no idea that Addison had already accepted the job offer to go to LA," She explained, "I was so hurt when I got back from Cristina's honeymoon, and she wasn't there. So, I started sleeping with him on and off. She'd left a few things in his trailer, and sometimes, when he rolled over and fell asleep, I would take out this one ratty T-shirt that somehow still smelled like her. When he started dating Rose, I found an excuse to go to the trailer and get it." Okay, she sounded like a crazy person. A crazy, obsessed person, "Anything of hers was better than nothing at all. And when she came back for the case, that night at the bar, I just," She took a breath, trying to calm herself, "I didn't want her to leave. But I had no reason to ask her to stay. Derek told me that after she'd cheated on him, I was like coming up for air. That he was drowning, and I could help him breathe. And she did that for me. When she came back, it was like I could breathe again."

"And then she told you to get with him. To not let him go."

She nodded, "So, I did. And I let her go. And I eventually loved him. We have three beautiful children together. And he's dead. And I'm…" She trailed off, wiped at the lone tear that slid down her cheek, smiling softly, "She's happy now. She has a perfect son and a perfect husband and a perfect life."

"Wow," Nick ran a hand over his face, laughing slightly as he stood, "Just wow. I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time."

"Nick," she began, starting to walk over to him.

He held up his hands, stopping her, "I can get the dead husband thing. Star-crossed lovers or bad juju or something. But you're telling me that you've been secretly in love with his ex-wife for what? Years?"

"What? No!"

"You want to move to Minnesota, have at it," He stood taller, "But I won't be waiting for you."

"Nick, just wait a second. I'm not in love with…it was a crush."

He walked past her, offering her a slight smile, "You don't have a crush on someone for that long. Either it fades, or it's still there."

"We can be happy together," she replied.

"No," he disagreed, "You're always gonna be in love with her. No matter how much you deny it. I can't compete with that," He pressed a kiss to her cheek, "I'll stay and finish this case, but we are over. Goodbye, Meredith."


She wasn't sure how long she stood there — minutes, hours, days, none of it mattered really. She wasn't sure how a conversation about Derek being married had somehow brought out her most well-guarded secret. Not even Derek had known she'd been in love with Addison. He hadn't even recognized Addie's shirt when he'd found it one day. No, she'd kept it to herself and Dr. Wyatt during that one therapy session that she'd chosen to bury.

It's the heels she heard first. Always the heels. Some sort of core memory, or so Inside Out had said, ingrained in her brain.

"Well, well," And God, Addison's voice would always make her heart stutter in her chest, "how far the mighty have fallen."

She blinked as Addison came around the corner Nick had just gone by. There was something in her eyes, calculating and hauntingly beautiful. God, she was always beautiful. The purple dress she wore looked so amazing on her.

"Addison," She breathed, unsure whether to pinch herself or hit herself. Okay, maybe she hadn't heard.

"Meredith Grey, pissing people off. It's like I never left." Okay, no; no, she was screwed. Screwed, screwed, screwed.

"I…" She began but it was as if every thought in her head went dormant.

"Never thought I'd see Medusa be at a loss for words," Addison's eyes were warm and open, and she found herself taking a step forward and then another.

Before she'd even realized it, she was pulling the other woman into a hug. She relished in the contact as Addison's arms came around her back, holding her tightly, and she found herself closing her eyes at the action, "I missed you."

And God, she doesn't know why she said it, even if it was true. She remembered their first hug, during the break with Derek, when the quick, jerky action made her heart flutter in her chest. As Addison's exuberance had made her laugh. Their half-hug in the elevator when Addison came for the uterine transplant had been the same, a quick gesture that had been over too soon. But right now, at this moment, she never wanted to let go. She could stay in Addison's arms and forget everything else.

"I missed you too," Addison muttered into her hair, and it felt like a lover's caress. Like she wasn't falling apart while Addison remained strong. Like she was going to lose everything while Addison went home to LA and her perfect life.

She felt Addison's arms tighten along her back, and she rested her head just under the redhead's chin, sighing softly. This was the kind of hug she'd been needing; where the other person just held you until you were ready to let go. I need uh help with the kids obviously. I need support. My life and my work is very unpredictable and I need someone who understands that. And who can be there when I can't. And who understands that if I can't be there it's because I must be where I am. And I need someone who believes in that and who supports that. I need a person who is in it with me and who believes in that.

She took a shuddering breath and peaked up at the redhead. God, she felt like an intern. Addison looked down at her, smiling gently, and she blushed despite herself.

"I…um…" She stepped back, pulling from Addison's embrace, despite her desire to stay there.

"Better?" Addison asked, her eyes lit with a warmth that she wanted to get lost in.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Addison brought her hand up, wiping at the tear streaks that were drying on her cheeks. It felt so intimate that in the moment, she forgot that they were hardly friends. She still felt like that same intern who was enraptured by her beauty long before she knew who she was.

"So, you're back?" she managed, her voice cracking slightly as she stumbled over the words.

"I'm back," Addison answered, "And you are definitely not alright."

"No, I'm good, I'm…" She felt her heart skip several beats as Addison reached around and started to untie her scrub cap, pulling it off before easily freeing the dirty blonde curls from the hair tie.

"I heard about Bailey," Addison replied, not looking at her as she busied herself with fixing her hair, "Guess she said a lot."

"Is she…"

"She's fine," Addison reassured her, "Panic attack."

"Good. Not that she had a panic attack. I thought that I'd given her a heart attack."

Addison smiled at her then, finally leaving her hair alone as she handed her the scrub cap, "There. Perfect."

"Thanks."

"Welcome," Addison waited half a beat and then, "Minnesota?"

She laughed softly, shaking her head, "It's a job offer. I need a change. The kids are on board with it."

"They're kids. They don't really have a choice, do they?"

"Of course they do," She countered, "Their opinions matter. I have them to think about," She bit her tongue, wanting to say more.

"No, go on," Addison encouraged, "Floor's all yours."

"I want them to be happy where they are. I don't want them to think that I'm forcing them into anything. Zola is already looking at schools, and Bailey is going nonstop about sports, and Ellis, God, she's talking about all the new friends she'll make. This feels right. And Nick, well, Nick was getting along really well with them. But, that's not, he's not, well, you obviously heard."

Addison arched an eyebrow, a hint of mischief in her eyes, "Oh, no, keep going. How did you manage to fall in love with Derek's ex-wife, and she just never knew?"

She blushed and smacked her arm, "Shut up!"

"Make me," Addison challenged.

She was desperate to kiss her; having her this close was torture. It always would be. But Addison was married. She wasn't the same person she was. She wasn't the same little girl, following her handsome Attending all around the hospital, breaking all the rules, having sex in cars, no one and nobody else matters. It didn't matter that he's your boss, not that he's already married. She looked at Addison then, feeling the weight of Bailey's words running over her like a crescendo.

"How long are you staying this time?"

"Oh, Mer," Addison's voice was soft, and she blinked away the tears that had pooled in her eyes, "I'm not leaving."

"What?" The word came out choked. She couldn't breathe. Addison couldn't stay. Not here. Not in this timeline. Not when she was perfect and happy and had this perfect husband and kid and life. She couldn't just stay and flaunt all of that in her face when she knew that she was in love with…

"Breathe, breathe," She wasn't even aware of Addison guiding her until she was sitting on the table that Nick had vacated so long ago. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on her. How long ago had she done this very thing for Bailey? "Deep breaths, Mer." She followed the instructions slowly, "There we go. Good girl," The words had her shutting her eyes tightly and taking another breath. So, you didn't take him back? Good girl. Fuck, how many times had she wished Addison had called her that again? And now she was, and it wasn't… "It's okay. Take your time." The minutes passed slowly, and it had been nearly five before she chanced opening her eyes, "Better?"

She nodded, and Addison smiled. She tried a smile back, but it was shaky at best.

"I found this amazing house. Henry loves it."

"And your husband?" She could almost taste the pain in her voice as spoke.

"Jake," Addison replied, "is still in LA."

"Oh? Tying up loose ends?" She couldn't be here. Not when perfect Jake showed up. She would tell Hamilton she'd take the job.

Addison laughed softly, "I guess when you get wine drunk and tell your husband that you're in love with your ex-husband's widowed wife, he's a good enough guy to ask you for a divorce so you can be happy."

"What?" She couldn't comprehend what Addison was saying.

"The divorce was finalized last week."

"Last week?" she breathed.

"I had to get things at the practice in order," Addison rambled, "finalize the house purchase, get our stuff moved into the house, get furniture for the house. We got in last night. Still have to get my paperwork finished."

"You really are staying?"

"That depends," She waited as Addison leaned in, and her breath caught, "Are you taking the job in Minnesota?"

She licked her lips, her throat feeling parched, "If I say yes?"

"Then I guess Henry and I will have to move again."

"You'd follow me all the way to Minnesota?"

Addison smiled, "Meredith Grey, I would follow you anywhere."

"Would you?"

"Yes," Addison grinned and leaned forward, keeping her effectively trapped on the table, but she didn't care when the redhead captured her lips in a kiss. She sighed into the kiss, reaching out for Addison as she kissed back.


Bailey paced. It was what she did. She knew that Meredith was around that corner, still dutifully looking after her patient. But she needed to tell her that she was sorry. That she didn't mean to snap at her. That she shouldn't have snapped at her, that she was just so afraid of losing her. She took a breath, and then another, before she finally turned the corner.

"Grey," She began as she turned the corner, "I wanted to apologize for…" She cut off as she took in the scene in front of her. Or rather, the two comical expressions on Meredith and Addison's faces as they realized she was right there, "What are you two doing?"

"I'm convincing your Head of General to stay. You can apologize later." Addison called back, and without another word, turned back to pull a now-laughing Meredith in another kiss.

She was tempted to stop them, but she just shook her head, turning back the way she came. She would deal with that tomorrow.

"Hey, Bailey, have you seen Addie?" Amelia asked as she started walking the way she'd come, with Kai Bartley trailing after her, "I wanted to introduce her to Dr. Bartley."

"Whatever you do, do not walk down there. Give them like ten minutes to get themselves under control."

"Wait, isn't that where Meredith's brain dead patient is?" Amelia asked as she walked away.

"Trust me!" she called and turned away.


Kai offered her a smile, "So?"

She smiled back, taking her partner's hand, "I'm sure it's fine."

"Okay."

She walked along the corridor. She could see the patient in the room and turned the corner. And stopped dead in her tracks. Kai bumped into her, tried to look around the corner.

"Oh, no, nope, we are backing away."

"What? Why?"

"Well, remember when I said that Addison and Meredith are both like my sisters?"

"Uh huh."

"Yeah, they do not see themselves that way," she explained.

"What?" Kai looked around her, "Ah. Hey, Dr. Grey?" She could hear Meredith's startled yelp, heard Addison's quiet laugh, and chanced a look around the corner.

"Yes, Dr. Bartley?" Meredith asked.

"Amelia, what are you doing?" Addison asked at the same time.

She waved them both off, "Oh, you know. Walking."

"Does this mean you're not taking the job offer?" Kai asked, and she could see Meredith's blush from where she stood.

"Ah, no. I'm uh I'm good here. Seattle is home."

"Okay, no problem," Kai offered them both a little wave as they turned away to head back down the hallway, "Oh, by the way, I'm dating your sister."

She smacked the neuroscientist with an open mouth before it turned into a grin.

"Hey, wait!"

"What was that?"

As Meredith and Addison raced to follow them, Kai pressed a kiss to her lips, making her sigh. Yeah, okay, this whole meeting the family wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed!