I'm back!

I know...I took forever and amen that literally a pandemic has happened since my last update. So much has happened in my personal life and around the world that I just wasn't able to get into the right mindset to write much of anything.

Good news is also I also managed to graduate from college since my last update and now have way more time and energy to devote to my lovely readers.

As always, this is unbeta'd so please let me know what you think and if you find any mistakes.

Now, for my two readers left...

Please enjoy!


There's a weight on her waist. She has very little of an idea of what it is, but it's actually kinda heavy. She moves a little bit and the thing actually tightens its grip on her. The hell? Damnit, she needs to pee, and she's pretty sure that blankets aren't supposed to voluntarily tighten and try to hug you on their own. Eyes still closed, she moves her hand down, searching for the thing, and finds a hand of flesh that is definitely not hers. Again, the fucking hell? She peels her eyes open and looks behind her because there is also definitely a wall of person behind her now that she is just a bit more awake. Thankfully, or maybe not so thankful if she tries to think about it, the arm (and it's definitely an arm) is loose enough that she can turn over and face her unexpected bed buddy. At the shock of fluffy (huh, it's fluffy and messed up in sleep so maybe he is human) bright green hair, she relaxes a bit. Of all the weirdos in the world, at least she knows this whack job. The devil you and all that jazz! Now that she remembers who it is, her earlier issue comes back to the front of her mind.

She still needs to pee, like really a lot.

After years of being bros with vets and others who suffer from PTSD of all flavors, including each and every member of the Avengers, she knows that if she tries to sneak around, it will only be worse than being normally loud. So, instead of being all quiet, she just starts wriggling under his grip to get the arm to loosen enough for her to escapé.

"Okay, Jay, honey, lemme go," she whines, knowing that he must be conscious enough with all her moving.

"Where you going, sweet cheeks," he grumbles into his pillow, probably trying to sound intimidating but falling very short. Hair all fluffy and shirtless (because now her tired brain decides that's what's important), he definitely does not look at all as terrifying as she's pretty sure he's hoping for.

"Jay, honey, I need to pee, like now. Now, you get to decide where, because, babe, it is totally going to happen," she informs him.

He grumbles but lets her go without a fight. She wants to laugh at his quick release because hah, even wacknut psychos know better than to get in the way of a girl and her toilet. She wins! While she wants to laugh, she doesn't in favor of using all her minimally mustered energy to make it to the bathroom.

Once on the porcelain throne, she uses all her remaining energy to remember why she's at Jay's compound and not at the Tower where she should be. It takes a second to come back to her, and when it does, she holds back a grimace.

"Well, shit. Holy Batman."

Yeah, that had summed it up pretty well for the situation when she'd woken up earlier from her nap. Sure, she'd accidentally assaulted the King of Crime, but read the highlighted word "accidentally." Rather than being annoyed or displeased by the unplanned bop to the face, he had been so proud, like maybe probably weirdly so.

"Oohoo, my baby's got some fight in her! Just from lookin' at ya, I wouldn't have guessed it, but what a lovely surprise!" he had laughed with that gleam in his eyes while massaging his cheek. "I'm honored, my queen."

"Uh, ok…? You're welcome? I mean, it's not like I was trying to hide it, and besides, that was me tired and not all there. Who knows how bad it coulda been if I had really tried hitting you. Oh, at least Nat'll be proud when I tell her I managed to land a hit in my not fully awake state!" she had shrugged.

"Nat? You mean that lovely little arachnid who's decided to become a goody two shoes? Ugh, she had just so much potential, and then she threw it all away to be one of the 'good guys,' how boring," Jay had whined before changing the subject back to his boredom. "Can we gooo now? You've had your beauty sleep and you've got nothing else on your calendar. I checked with that chatty Kathy on your phone, Jarvis."

"Oi, be nice to J-man, he's the best, and also if he decides to take over the world all Sky-net like then you don't wanna be on his bad side, okay? But, if there's really nothing, then I guess I'm all yours for the night."

And that had been all the clown needed to hear because dragging her off to a night on the town. This included going to his tailor to get her a suitable dress because "you're a queen bee among peasants and you need to look like it" according to Jay and then going to dinner and later Jay's nightclub. Honestly, it was fun. She knew that he knew that she wasn't down for any actual criminal activity while they hung out, so it was a rather tame night for them. While he did speed and loot a little, she couldn't really stop him from the technically minor acts and was thankful that was where the crime stopped for the night.

Afterward, he had dropped her back at the Tower, like it was the end of a date, all domestic like.

That was weeks ago, and honestly, if she thinks about it, she would say she's surprised that nothing has really happened since then.

Like, really, nothing.

After that fateful day of giving where they gave a meal to the less fortunate of New York and her face was plastered on every news outlet alongside Jay for around a week, things go back to relative normal. True, a new villain attack not long after helps to take up the news space, but Darcy will still admit that she's surprised nothing out of the ordinary happens. At the very least, she would have expected her dearest cousin Brucey to swing by the Tower and give her another lecture on safety and shit, but no.

Instead, the Avengers and Co chilled the fuck out about her relation…thing with Jay, which brings her to now.

For the first time, Darcy stayed the night with Jay rather than camp at her cousin's during her visit to Gotham. Sure, it feels a little weird and maybe crazy to go to sleep alongside Gotham's infamous clown at night only to wake up and work with the national leaders on the side of "good" and heroes during the day, but what's a girl to do when her kinda boyfriend is the Kind of Crime?

Crawling back into bed, she uses what little energy she has left to smirk at the still sleeping form in the bed. As she slides under the still warm covers, courtesy of the space heater currently catching z's on the other side of the mattress, she sends whichever deity is paying attention—probably Loki since they're bros and raven pals—a quick thought of gratitude that Jay is definitely not a morning person, just like her. With a still asleep huff, Jay rolls over and loops his arm back around her waist, snuggling against her side.

As Darcy drifts asleep, she sends a mental middle finger to the universe that made the psycho maniac such a good snuggle buddy. Really, it's unfair.

Kidnapped. Again. Yep, that is really all she can say to sum up the situation she's found herself in. Really, sure this exact situation hasn't happened before, but how in the world is Darcy finding herself in such similar situations so often? Where, oh where, did she make the weird turn in life? Was it before or after accepting that internship outside of her degree? Was it the decision to even major in Political Science? That's such a normal major too, like no one looks at you with pity or fear when you tell them. One would think she'd be safe from all the crazy, but apparently no…not a thing for Darcy. Though, to be fair, Crazy™ has kinda followed her all her life. It probably started with having a cousin who likes to dress up and paint his face with black paint, especially around his eyes, and really there hasn't been an end in sight that she can see at least. Really though, it's not her fault. The Crazy™ chose her. Whatever, not like she had a choice.

Before she can really start panicking, she takes a look around and surveys her surroundings for anything that gives her a clue as to where she's being held. She's tied to a chair in the middle of the room, and unfortunately, the binding is actually pretty solid and the chair comparatively steady. At least her kidnappers didn't bother with a gag this time and any bag that may have been over her head at one point is long gone. From the looks of it, she's in an abandoned warehouse-type building. Highly original and oh, so impressive. Out of all her kidnapping locations, she would rate this one above stupid hotel-room setup because cheap and also ew, no, maybe on par with other warehouses or stereotypical interrogation rooms but definitely under Loki's cell at Asgard that one time she saw it.

It's mostly empty too, so at least her latest kidnapper gets points for potential cleanliness and organization. Unfortunately, that also means that anything that could have been a clue as to where she's at is also likely gone. Damn, whoever this is, they did an annoyingly good job picking up shit because she can't find much, only a few nondescript crates which she thinks are probably just fake to add to the effect. Looking around, clues are nearly nonexistent. Nearly. The only real clue she currently has is the observation of cleanliness. Cuz, it's a warehouse thing and it's clean. Like, actually nice and clean and in good shape. Not rundown. This wasn't some random location. Darcy has seen enough kidnapping locations by now to begin to tell the level of financial backing her kidnappers tend to have. The organization and specific placing of random crates are deliberate, so Darcy can tell there must be some good money to be able to afford such an actually empty space. Plus, there's also no table holding torture devices, so maybe this is a hostage situation where they'll try to bargain with the team for ransom money or knowledge. They must know that hurting her won't guarantee a ransom. If anything, it'd only make her friends that much more mad, and by thus more murdery, when they eventually find her.

No, these people know what they're doing.

Unfortunately for them, Darcy's Mama ain't raised no quitter, and no, ma'am will this little situation that she's found herself in today be what breaks the camel's back. This is just a small incident, a minor scratch on the record of her life. Nothing to fret over. Well, like mentioned earlier, this is not her first rodeo of weird, so she does what she always does. She goes with the flow and takes life as it comes, dealing with what she can in the present and letting the rest fall into place as she goes. So, instead of being scared, she's more annoyed than anything as this interrupts her daily workflow.

"Okay, I'm awake now! We can start negotiating," she hollers after taking everything in, ready to get the monologuing over with. Despite her history of catch and release and the improved shorter wait times between this dichotomy, she almost never misses the monologue. While on one hand, it's nice to know who and why someone has taken her, it's so annoying to have to hear speech after speech from her many captors. "Hellooo! Anybody here? I'd like to start the negotiations of my release so I can be home before dark. Also, hey, how long was I out this time? 'Cus, I have a couple shows to watch that just came out with their latest episode on Wednesday and I got a fur baby to feed."

Oh, hey, her purse and stuff are still sitting on a table like 10 feet in front of her to the side. Nice. Makes that easy for when she leaves.

"How did a civilian like you get on the Joker's radar, Ms. Lewis? What does he have on you?" a deep baritone voice says from one of the few random shadows. Her eyebrows furrow as she recognizes the voice but only barely. She looks over in the direction the questions came from to find the figure of a tall and kinda buff person. Like, for normal standards, yeah, pretty buff, but she's seen Thor without a shirt so she's not a super great judge anymore.

"Look, whatever you want, I can't really get it for you, unless it's like money. Pretty sure I could scrounge up like 50K if necessary, but that could take a while a lot of phone calls I don't really wanna make."

"Stay away from the Joker, Ms."

"Okay, technically, that's a pretty reasonable request for like anyone else, but sadly for you, you picked the wrong girl to tell that to. Jay and I are kinda a thing or something if you haven't noticed from my face being plastered on like every news site for a sec there. Although," she pauses to think," I guess you could have missed it since that attack on Mt. Rushmore right after did end over the news too." She sends her captor a shrug and a look of annoyance for their ignorance.

"He is extremely dangerous. Stay away from him," her abductor demands as they move out of the shadows. Again, she knows this person, but she can't figure out where from. Darcy narrows her eyes when she sees who it is. Fucking slutnuggets, she had wondered why the voice sounded so annoyingly, almost worryingly familiar.

That stupidly, weirdly low voice belongs to a very specific someone that she had never thought capable of stooping so low as to actually kidnap her in order to make a fucking point.

Holy shit, it's Batman. Because of fucking course, it is.

"Ye, he's dangerous, but like if think about this, so is like everyone else I hang out with on a regular basis. This includes you, you actual prawn." She makes sure to draw out that last word to make sure it hits home. "Seriously, any of you could reek just as much mayhem as him, but you take the higher rose. Also, are you fucking kidding me?! Dude, you need some serious help because this is fucking ridiculous." If he were closer to her and she was able, she definitely would have waved her pointer finger in front of his face to emphasize her point. Arms still tied to the chair backing, she settles for "throwing" her arms up as far as she can and sending him her least impressed glare.

"I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met before," he says like an idiot in an attempt to maintain his façade.

"Uh-huh, so you're gonna keep playing that card like a weirdo." She rolls her eyes at this. "Fine, if I don't know you, what the fuck did you kidnap me? Because, in case you haven't noticed, you've clearly been keeping a close enough eye on me to actually kidnap me, which also makes you a major creepster and seem very dangerous too, buddy. From my angle, it looks like you're more dangerous than Jay at this point."

Batman slowly inches closer at a pace that for any normal kidnappee would be intimidating but for her is weird and annoying. She can see in his eyes beneath the cowl that he really doesn't believe she knows his real identity. "I keep eyes on the Joker, and thus you by association once you started hanging around him so often. You need to cease your relations with him, both for your safety and the safety of everyone else in this city."

"Uh-huh, sure thing, cousin, because we both know I'm gonna listen to you, especially after this little totally unexpected reunion where you make demands on who I can and cannot see like a neanderthal. Seriously, why does everyone I know, including me, need so much therapy?! This is fucking ridiculous that you decided to kidnap me like an actual dick instead of sitting down and having a normal fucking conversation with me like a normal fucking person! Now untie me for Loki's sake. What the fuck, Bruce!" she snarls. At the use of his name, her vigilante cousin's shoulders sag, and he sighs in defeat before moving to undo her binds.

Before he reaches her, she manages to release the tiny blade mechanism Tony had built into a set of rings he'd given her after so many kidnappings. Thankfully, since her idiot cousin only meant to scare her, the bindings are just rope and not even super thick, so she cuts through them with ease. "Actually," she says after a moment, "I got out myself, thank you very not."

Then she's up on her feet and stretching out her tired limbs. She makes a show of stretching, taking her sweetass time getting all the kinks and soreness out of her body. How the fuck do snipers and other people who have to be in one position for long as fuck amounts do it? Really? Could she please take notes on something? At this point, she should really figure it out with how often she finds herself stuck in one position during kidnappings. She takes a couple real sweet moments to stretch out her poor little muscles.

"Damnit, Darce, please just listen to me this once—wait, how did you know?" His voice starts out tired and annoyed but ends up accusing and suspicious by the end. He has his cowl-covered head resting in one hand while the other supports that arm.

"Doesn't take a genius, buddy," she snaps as she works to distribute blood flow throughout her newly freed limbs. "I figured it out like right after you decided to become an actual facts superhero. So, calm your shit, Batman. It's all good. It's not like the rest of Gotham has figured it out yet, goddess knows if they haven't done so yet, they probably never will." She glares into his shocked eyes, settling one hand against her hip and the other waving in the air for emphasis. "Dude, I'm your cousin. You don't think I'd notice the only cousin who lives near me? Besides, I work with supers all day every day. Everyone in the biz knows who you are. And your butler loves me, so I figured out about your little Batcave like my first visit. You are so not as good at keeping secrets as you think, Batty.

"Goddamnit, Lewis—!"

He's cut off by the shock of gunshots being fired outside the building.

"Batsy, come out, come out, wherever you are!" the hysterical voice of the Joker rings loud and clear despite the walls. "I know you're in thereee!"

Another round of shots is fired.

"Damnit, see what I mean? He's not only dangerous and volatile, he likes it," Bruce hisses to her with his disapproving scowl.

"You stole someone very precious to me, batsy, and I want her back," Jay snarls.

"We will discuss this later when certain people are not in hearing distance," the masked vigilante growls.

She rolls her eyes as she makes sure to grab her purse from where she found it earlier because she really has zilch idea what's gonna happen next but it's always great to have your purse. "Sure, we will," she placates without any real agreement. "Here, I'll go talk to him."

She makes to walk toward Jay's voice but is stopped by Bruce's hand on her arm in a loose enough grip that it doesn't hurt but strong enough that she can't break away easily. "Darcy, no! It's too—"

"Darcy, yes! I'm like the only one who can talk to him without him getting all murdery. You, he'd totally shoot on sight," she argues. He growls under his breath but then sags and lets her go, obviously admitting defeat quickly and rather easily.

When Jay sees her mosey out of the warehouse, he stops firing his fun and grins at her. Thank fuck for that because that shit is so annoyingly loud without proper ear protection and she had to walk towards him. Gun still rather obviously in hand, he uses his other arm to hold his steady as he manages to hang from the side of a parked black SUV without falling.

"Darcy!" he cheers loudly in greeting.

"Jay, don't be stupid. Put the gun down or away or something," Darcy demand requests. Really, she knows he's a wackadoodle, but she had hoped he'd have even a little bit of common sense/decency to not just wave a gun around if he wants her to come closer. Oh well, apparently not. That must have been knocked out of him when the crazy was knocked in to him. His bright grin morphs into a devious smirk and he lowers his arm, technically making the gun go with it.

"Oh, but Queenie, I would never shoot ya. I know exactly who I'm aiming for. Now, where, oh, where, has our little batsy gone? Come out, come out wherever you are, batman! Just because she came out doesn't mean you're off the hook for takin' what's mine!" Again with the gun raising. She'd prefer to live, thank you very, very much. Sure, Jay says he won't shoot her, but one can never be too careful when crazed supervillains are involved, even if you are technically dating them. And she's not gonna go on her "I'm no one's, thank you, bitch" speech because he wouldn't appreciate it the way she would like.

"Oh, wow, you don't want to shoot me, so much better. Great, thank you for that. I do rather like this living thing." Hence, lack of lecture. "You know, I also really like it when you don't kill my people, so just leave Batsy alone if you wouldn't mind. That would also be really, really nice," she suggests even though she doubts he'll listen.

"I'm not gonna kill him! I just wanna play," he purrs with murder very clearly in his eyes.

"Yeah, no playing either, honeybunny. Save that for when I'm not around or maybe just never, yeah?" she pleads like someone trying to calm a wild animal, and if she really thinks about it, he kinda is most of the fucking time. "Can't we just get gelato instead? I'm craving sugar but like not super sweet, you know?"

He pouts. Goddamn points. Seriously, dude, can't you just not be a psycho for a hot second? She almost cracks a smile at seeing his highly disgruntled expression at having to be normal and sane. "Fiine, Darcy," he concedes. Then he lands on the ground and flicks on the safety on his gun before throwing it into the SUV. Darcy sends a little wave when she sees it's Johny in the driver's seat. "I'm bored. What do you wanna do now?"

Yep, that's Jay. Always on to the next thing to keep him entertained. At least she has that in common with him since the homicidal hobby thing doesn't really work out for her. She thinks about his question for a second. Alright, she's got her purse, and her clothes are pretty happy and comfy. She quickly swings her purse off her shoulder and reaches into it to make sure it still has her phone, wallet, and taser (which is totally not illegally hyper jacked up and supercharged, thank you so much, Tony). Finding all three items and the rest of her collection of random knickknacks she keeps in her purse for any and all situations, she happily shrugs the bag back on her shoulder and gives her supervillain (because better the devil you know than the devil you don't) a wide grin.

"Well, like I said, I kinda want gelato, but I'm up for any—" She pauses before finishing that last word. With most other people she's around, she's relatively okay to say that, but with him, anything would literally mean anything. "—I'm up for something. I'm chillin' though, so how about something not super energy necessary? That'd be nice, wouldn't it?"

"Gelato sounds absolutely swell," he positively purrs in reply. She rolls her eyes to the heavens at the overly sweet tone.

"Great, let me just go get Batman to sign my Kidnapping Card, and then we can go!" she tells him before turning around to go do so.

Of course, like any grown men—ahem, actual toddlers—you can't turn your back for a single measly fucking second without things going south.

The moment she looks away from Jay she hears a loud thump and turns back to find that her dearest cousin in all his Batman grunge has decided to tackle Jay to the ground. She sighs at the sight. Children. She is related to a child and somewhat kinda dating a child, both of whom are now rolling around on the ground as they wrestle. While Bruce has his ever-present scowl pulling at his lips, Jay's eyes are alight with energy and something not quite sane pulling his lips the opposite direction as the pair trades blows.

She lets their brawl continue for a solid couple of minutes to let them feel like they're actually achieving something before putting a stop to it. After she feels enough time has passed, she puts her fingers to her lips and lets out the good ole' Whistle of Lewis™. Ha, the Whistle ™ works on everyone, including supers on both ends of the spectrum of Good and Evil. The ear-piercing sound stops both children in their tracks.

"Oi, let him go!" Darcy demands with such conviction that both immediately do as she commands.

She's not really sure there's one specific idiot she's addressing over the other between the pair, but both listen as if she called them by name. Now, she'd like to take the credit and say that she's just that cool that even Batman listens, but she's pretty sure it's more from the shock that she's defending his arch-nemesis than anything to really do with her. Her cousin lets go of his nemesis slowly but surely before he moves away, letting the Clown Prince out of his grasp. As Jay falls back to the ground, he sends her an amused smirk and dramatically makes a show of brushing some imaginary dust off his shoulders. Of course, that same cocky expression falls when she turns her righteousness on him.

"You," she huffs. "Don't think you can get away from this too, darling." At the lecturing of the Crown King of Crime, the resident vigilante barely holds back a snicker, far too happy to see the other man at the receiving end of her lectures for a change of pace. The snicker ends when she moves the Lewis Glare of Disapproval to include him as well. "This is your fault too, Bruce Spruce! If you hadn't provoked him by kidnapping me, which we are still not done talking about, by the way, we wouldn't be here. Neither of you is off the hook here. It takes two to tango, and you know you two just love dancing!"

"Aw, come now, Darcy darling, you know it's all fun and games!" the green haired maniac purrs. Darcy rolls her eyes and tries to remember exactly how she came to be here playing babysitter to two of the wackiest babies in Gotham.

At the same time, her delightful cousin sends her a glare and hisses, "Darcy, what the hell? Are you just telling everyone my identity?"

"Uh, he also knows by the way. And before you ask, no, I did not tell him. He just has more than the two brain cells to rub together that everyone else in Gotham seems to have and figured it out a while ago. He just hasn't felt like attacking your place or you as boring ole' Brucey," she informs him casually. Darcy watches with interest as her cousin holds himself back from facepalming. "Now, gimme a sec. You need to sign my Kidnapping Card."

While she digs around her wallet for her Card, she makes sure not to take an eye off dumb and dumber. You never fucking know what's gonna happen when you turn your back on a pair of archnemeses, especially when one of them is your rellie and the other is your boyfriend sorta kinda. By the time she finds it, Bruce has moved to stand on her left and Jay has sidled up to her right, clearly ready to leave. It thankfully takes no time at all for her to get the infamous Dark Knight to sign her Frequent Kidnapper's Card, and they also thankfully do not need to use bodily fluids of any kind to fill it out either as she found a stray pen in her purse.

"Alright, now, Jay and I are gonna go have some gelato and do…stuff. Shoo, Batsy. You've caused quite enough excitement for one day."