Day Thirty: "It's not your fault."

Based on Gumnut-Logic's Warm Rain series and the fic 'Goodbye' chapter 6 of Tales of Warm Rain

And this tumblr post:

I don't think anything quite gets me like 'grieving character starts wearing something of their dead loved ones,' particularly if the clothing/jewelry/object/weapon was something that sorta trademarked that other character. It's like the character is gone but you can still visually see their memory living on through those that loved them. It just hits so hard.

Additional warning: I made myself cry writing this.


Characters: Alan, Scott, Kayo

Warnings: Referenced MCD, Angst


He couldn't remember what his brothers had been like when they had lost Mom. Only two at the time, all Alan could really recall was a period of uncertainty and quiet sadness.

He did remember what everyone was like when their Dad died. Frenetic activity, lots of hugs and tears.

Gordon slipping into his military persona and struggling to drop that when he was home.

Virgil alternating between crushing bear hugs and bouts of Medic-ness.

John, never home but always calling to check he was alright.

And Scott.

His eldest brother had kept them all together. Organising search grids, making sure they all ate and rested. Just being there.

Scott was the one who dried his tears and hugged him until he slept. And not just Alan, either. He'd found Gordon and Virgil ensconced in the eldest's arms more than once, found Scott's arms wrapped around Kayo as she cried.

It had been Scott who went up to Five and brought John home.

It was Scott who pulled Alan out of boarding school and kept him home.

It was Scott who decided to stop concentrating on searching, leaving Five to run algorithms to find clues to their father's whereabouts.

It was Scott who decided to restart International Rescue.

Alan looked up to Scott in a way he had never looked at his father, and he'd noticed his brothers all did the same.

Scott set the lead and they followed.

Until the day they lost Virgil.

Much as Alan adored his eldest brother and knew that Scott loved him deeply, not one of them could ever deny that Scott and Virgil shared something extra. If Alan had to think about it, he would say that it was like him and Gordon's relationship.

More than brothers. Best friends.

The day Virgil left them, exchanged his own life for the life of children in a move so utterly Virgil it hurt, was the day that broke them all.

His brother had run around them all, just as he had done when their Dad had disappeared. Scott put iR on indefinite hiatus and pulled John down. He spent a lot of time with Kayo too, she was more than a sister to them all and had lost more than a brother, and Alan had heard Kayo quietly reassuring Scott more than once that it wasn't his fault. Alan had crept quietly away.

But it wasn't until today that Alan realised just how broken Scott really was.

Scott hadn't appeared for breakfast. Nor lunch. Not even dinner. John had told them to leave him alone, that he'd be alright in the morning. In fairness both John and Kayo had been in and out of Scott's room all day.

Alan thought that was fair, Scott had been there for everyone as usual and had not taken any time for himself. But a little part of him felt that leaving Scott alone when he hadn't left them was wrong.

He'd warred with himself for the rest of the evening, but eventually he made his mind up that he needed to check up on Scott, that it was the right thing to do.

The villa was dark and quiet, everyone retired for the night, when Alan knocked lightly on his brother's door. There wasn't an answer, not that he was surprised by that, and Alan crept in.

Scott was lying on his bed, back to the door, and for one moment he thought his brother was asleep. But then Scott's hands moved, rubbing his arms up and down. Alan took a tentative step forward and his brother responded by lifting an arm.

It was all the invite he needed, and Alan fairly flew across the room and around onto his brother's bed, snuggling into…

Soft, soft fabric that smelt faintly of oil and paint.

Scott was wearing one of Virgil's shirts. It would have swamped him if he stood, but Scott pulled Alan close and wrapped the shirt around them both.

Nothing was said. What could they say?

Alan let the tears fall and Scott's arms tightened around him. And they stayed like that for quite a while.

'I'm sorry, Virgil.'

It was whispered and oh so desolate, and Alan looked up to see in the moonlight that Scott's eyes were closed. He squeezed and Scott's eyes opened and looked down on him, a small, sad smile on his face.

'I'm sorry, Alan. I'm so sorry.'

'It's not your fault, Scott. It never was.'

'I should have stopped him. I should have told Kayo immediately.'

'It's still not your fault, Scott. Virgil did what he had to do, we both know that.'

Kayo's appearance should have surprised them both, but Scott was just too tired to even jump like Alan did. He felt the bed dip as she sat behind them, saw her lean forward and gently run her hand through Scott's hair as she settled behind them, arm around Scott and Alan.

'It wasn't your fault.'

And Alan felt Scott relax and, sandwiched between the pair of them and wrapped in his brother's shirt, Scott finally wept.