A/N: *take a deep breath* Hi again! I'm really overwhelmed with the number of people who have written me who have cried reading this, of course, I knew it was a very sad story, but I never thought my words could make someone cry, so I don't know if I say "I'm sorry" or "Thank you". It's very difficult for me to trust in my writing, first because English is not my first language and I struggle a lot with this, and second because there are such spectacular writers in this fandom that I feel tiny next to them. So, I think I'm left with the option of thanking those who have decided to follow this trip, even if it is sad, and leave me with such nice comments.
Ok, I finished my speech; I leave you with the second chapter.
• ∞ • ∞ •
The house continues in the darkness. Their room is illuminated just by the light in the bathroom that reaches them slightly. There are some pillows on the floor, and the sheets are untidy. They still hold each other, as if there was nothing else in the world than them and the love that unites them. If you see them from the outside, you can't figure out where one starts and the other ends. They are a single piece.
• ∞ • ∞ •
Harvey has been in the bathroom for a while, longer than it normally takes to shower, so Donna slams her knuckles against the door two times.
"Harvey, are you okay? Do you need something?" But Harvey doesn't respond. "It's okay if you need to be alone. Can you only answer me? Please." She asks, worried.
"I'm fine, Donna." He responds, trying to disguise his broken voice.
Donna doesn't buy it, but she respects it. "Let me know if you need anything. I'll be in the living room."
"I'll do it." He responds with a hoarse voice and, listening to Donna's steps away, stops making strength and continues to cry by looking at himself in the mirror. While he was in the shower, he tried to deny it, but several strands of hair had accumulated in the drain. As he went out of the tub and passed the towel over his head, it was inevitable to continue to deny it. And now it had been over 15 minutes in front of the mirror and with the haircutting machine that he had bought during the quarantine on his hand, trying to decide. He knows it's useless to dilate the moment, he knows that his hair will eventually cease to be there... It's just he didn't expect his body to have effects so soon, it's too much to assimilate just in a few weeks.
He wasn't a person who used to cry, but since that damn diagnosis, it's all he's done.
With his hands shaking, he has barely been able to put on his underwear and the fact that he is crying in his underwear in front of the mirror makes everything much more pathetic; he thinks.
He looks at his hand trembling with the machine there and knows that under that state he could make a disaster and cut himself, and although he feels like shit, he is aware that at this time his body needs no more suffering.
"Donna..." He calls her, trying to stay himself whole.
Donna immediately approaches the bathroom and puts her hand on the doorknob. "Can I come in?" She asks.
"Yes, please." Donna opens the door, and immediately her eyes are in the mirror, looking at him. "I can't do this alone." He sobs.
Donna nods and enters the bathroom, still staring into his eyes through the mirror, takes the machine out of his hands, puts it on the sink, and then hugs him from behind, her hands on his chest, and her cheek between his shoulder blades. "I will," She responds and gives him a heartfelt kiss on his back, leans her cheek back against him, and Harvey sighs, reaching her hands with his own and moving his thumbs there.
"Sorry, I think I'll stop being attractive with this shit." He says, trying to be ironic.
"That doesn't matter right now..." She raises her head and rests her chin on his shoulder, looking at him through the mirror. "I love you for what you are, not for your appearance. We're in this together, Harvey. I love you, and that's why you will always seem to me to be the nicest person in the world."
Harvey smiles sideways against his will. "You are cute..." He intertwines his fingers with hers and raises his hands to give her a kiss on her knuckles. "And I love you." She smiles at him, slides her hands on the sides of his body, and, without releasing him, turns to stand in front of him. "Everything is going on too fast, and I feel like I can't process it." He murmurs and lowers his gaze. "And I'm so scared." He whispers.
Donna raises her hand to his head and scratches him there, between his hair, knows how much he loves her to do that, and knows that it's something he'll miss. "I'm scared too." She murmurs. "And it hurts that you have to go through this. It destroys me." She admits. "But, I trust you. I know you'll fight, you're Harvey Specter." She says and Harvey raises his gaze, slightly tilting his head against her hand. "My Harvey." She says with a choppy voice, scratching behind his ear. Harvey isn't able to respond, just hugs her by the waist and hides his face in the hollow of her neck, sobbing. Donna receives him between her arms, lets him rest on her, resting her hips against the sink's counter. Her arms wrapped around his neck, her hand still scratching between his hair.
"I'll miss so much that you do that." He sighs, loosening more against his wife.
"I know, but I'll find another way to pamper you." She responds, trying to sound whole. "Here you have me. I'm here." She murmurs and gives him a kiss on his neck.
He nods and disarms himself even more against her, doesn't want her to release him, doesn't want her hand to stop being tangled in his hair. And she leaves him. The truth is that hugging him it's the only thing she wants to do all day. She is so afraid that, maybe, one day she'll want to hug him and that he'll no longer be here. And since he started chemotherapy, there are so few days where he feels "well", that he is not sleeping, or with nausea, or vomiting, or with chills, that she just wants to enjoy it.
With the minutes running and his wife surrounding him, he slowly calms, but he doesn't release her. Countless minutes are spent clinging to each other, with no intention of that moment ending.
Although, at some point, they separate, only a little and Donna kisses him sweetly, catching his lips between her own, gently sliding her tongue until he finds his own and feels a soft moan of him that she enjoys with each part of her. The only moans she heard from him recently have been for the pain. So, this feels like paradise.
Harvey separates from her when he runs out of air, which lately is sooner than before, and leans his forehead against her. "Do it." He murmurs.
"Ok, we will." She responds, and after giving her a last kiss on his lips, she takes the machine again. "Do you want to sit there?" She asks, pointing at the toilet. He nods and sits there in silence. He puts his hands on his legs and lowers his gaze. "Sure you want to do it now?"
"It will finish falling soon either way."
"Harvey..." She crouches in front of him so she can look at him. "It will probably fall, but you're not obligated to remove it sooner."
"It's one of the few things I can handle. Do it." He responds nervously.
She nods and stands up, realizing that making him hesitate was a mistake. "Sorry, I didn't want to..."
"It's not your fault, Donna. You're doing too much for me. I have nothing to forgive."
"Nothing would be too much." She murmurs and gives him a soft grip on his shoulder. Harvey doesn't respond, because although he hurts to see how Donna loses her life by taking care of him, deeply, he knows he would do exactly the same for her. "I'll get started." He nods and Donna once again runs her hand through his hair, watching as her hand comes out full of hair and swallows dry. She has to be strong in front of him. She repeats it to herself all the time.
With great care and all the love of the world, Donna begins to cut his hair, section by section, while her hand caresses his head, his neck, behind his ears... She knows that it's one of the so many horrible moments that he'll have to go through, and if she can, at least with a simple touch, turn off his pain a little, she will.
She continues with her task in silence because no one knows very well what to say until she turns off the machine.
"You're handsome." She tells him, and although she is in shock to see him hairless, she can't help but smile as she now sees his moles highlight the most, and his eyes that although they are now sad, have taken all the protagonism in his face.
Harvey wants to smile at her, but he can't. Just stand and look at the mirror. Donna stays to one side, giving him the space he needs to assimilate it, but close in case he needs her.
"Thank you." He murmurs after a few minutes in silence and turns his head to offer her a shy smile. "I should put on some clothes."
She nods to him, smiling at him shyly as well. "I'll wait for you in the kitchen." She says, when she passes behind him, she gives him a quick kiss on his shoulder and leaves him alone.
Harvey spends another number of minutes looking at the mirror, almost without reaction... His life has become a nightmare in the last few weeks, and the pain of treatment was even stronger than the discomfort that led him to make a medical consultation, but even so, seeing himself in the mirror makes everything much more real.
And, he's terrified.
• ∞ • ∞ •
She considers herself a strong woman, has managed to deal with many things throughout her life, although her dream of being an actress had been frustrated, entering the world of corporate law had given her a place to belong, and above all, it had taught her to deal with things she could never have imagined. Managing the pressure and continuing to gain skills so that the surrounding people will get the most out of their potential has made her grow a lot personally. And not only that, the strength she had to gain in her teens with everything that had happened with her father, her mother, and then the separation from them. Also, having endured years working alongside the person who loved with all her heart and not being able to admit it. So many years on this earth had made her get tools that were strengthening her, and she was proud of how she could handle the things that happened.
But this was too much. She felt constant anguish in her body that she didn't know how to control or how to appease. She tried, because she tried, to stay strong, especially when he is with her, but sadness takes her by her bones, and to avoid externalizing it isn't an option. Seeing the person she loves the most in the world suffer that way, and the possibility of losing him is much more enormous than Donna can handle. She has wept in front of him and with him; they have wept for hours hugging and wrapping in their bed, but she has always tried to control her way of crying. She cannot bear to hurt him even more.
That's why she cries, every day, with the water from the shower falling over her head. Begging that, the sound of water disseminates her deepest sobs. She cannot collapse in front of him, not this way, not with her body burning inside of the deepest pain.
• ∞ • ∞ •
Every time he wakes up as if he had never slept, he feels even worse than before. He feels that his body has lost the ability to rest, to recover. And although it's logical, because the treatment is weakening his immune system and his body is in a constant internal fight, it's something he can't get used to.
He doesn't know if his chest hurts because he's coughing the whole damn day or because he can't stop crying; he cries with an anguish that he never believed he could feel, the fear of facing the most unknown, not knowing what will happen when his body won't have more strength to try to defeat this shit, the fear of leaving Donna alone, the fear of missing out all the years that he thought he would have with her paralyzes him.
With the diagnosis and initiation of the treatment, he felt that the entire world fell on him, but that was only a small sample of all the shit would feel in the next two years.
At first, he tried to be positive and confident that it would soon happen, but with every end of the chemotherapy round, with every drug box that was finished and with every new exam that always threw the same results: "The treatment is not working as we expected." He listened to this again and again, as if it were a treatment to remove a fucking pimple from his forehead as if in each treatment his possibility of continuing to live was not being put at stake.
Every new resonance that threw the same results was a much harder blow than every chemotherapy session. He feels his face is being crushed against the ground and that they could soon make a hole there, and there wouldn't be more air to keep breathing.
It hurts everything—the body, of course, but also the soul. He hurts the idea of dealing with something as unknown as death, and he hurts Donna's painful gaze. He's so afraid of what could happen to her if this doesn't work and leaves her alone.
He could never forgive himself if she can't be happy again.
Tears fall from his eyes relentlessly, he cries amid coughing and hiccups; he feels his body tremble, every cell in his body also trembles, even those that are making him sick.
• ∞ • ∞ •
Donna arrives from the grocery store and the first thing she does is leave all things and run to the room. For weeks, every time she goes out or falls asleep, she has the feeling that it may be the last time he sees him with his eyes open, and panic appears.
She finds him sleeping, which makes her heart stand for a moment, and approaches him in despair, kneeling on the ground with no care, and she feels the soul back to her body when she notices his nostrils move and she puts her hand carefully in his arm.
"I need you here with me, Harvey." She murmurs. "I cannot carry on if you're not here." This time it's not even a murmur, it's a choked sob. "Please don't stop fighting." And she knows that her request is selfish, she knows he hurts to be alive at this moment, that his body is completely damaged and, in his words, that he already feels only a waste, but if she just imagines a life without him, her lungs stop receiving oxygen.
She lies down carefully at her side, in front of him. Now she even doubts touching him, because she sees his face of pain when she does but dares to take his hand and join it to hers, accommodating them between them.
So little remains of Harvey Specter, the proud and insatiable lawyer she had met... But there is also very little left of the Harvey Specter who had gone a long way until he could tell her how much he loved her. He had become a shadow of what he had been, and while she was clear that he bore the brunt here, it breaks her heart seeing him like this.
His hair had already finished disappearing a long time ago, his eyebrows and eyelashes were almost non-existent too, his lips dry and his frowning frowned. His skin is paler and drier than ever, full of needle marks and bruises. His sad look, sadder than Donna could have ever imagined, his shoulders always pulled forward, his body getting stiffer and stiffer...
For two years she has only wanted one thing: that this nightmare ends and to be able to hug her husband without fear that he will break, without fear that maybe it will be the last time.
• ∞ • ∞ •
They don't know very well how much time passed, but they assume it's a lot, and Harvey separates a little from her, feeling his body completely sore, removes a few strands of hair that fall on her face and Donna offers him a shy smile. "You know…" Harvey begins to speak, but his voice is completely hoarse, and needs to cough. "I've been reading online testimonials from people with my same disease, and everyone agrees that smoking cannabis helps with pain."
"I've heard about it."
"I've asked Mike to get me some and I have it here. Sorry if it's a weird question, but would you smoke with me?"
"I can try. I've smoked nothing, never."
"I have an advantage over the chances of drowning." He tells her, trying to sound funny.
"Harvey!" She giggles against her will.
"We know it's the truth." He shrugs. "It's in my drawer."
"Ok, I'll look for it." She tells him before he tries to move and stands up to reach for his bedside table. Harvey follows her with his gaze and she sits on the bed, opens the drawer, and sighs, seeing there several condoms, possibly expired. God, she would give her life by being able to make love with him again. If they had only known that the last time was going to be the last time.
"Did you find it?"
"Yes, here it is." She responds, taking the cigarette and leaving it on the table. "I'll go get a lighter." She murmurs and, without looking at him again, she leaves the room. When she reaches the kitchen, she feels completely unstable and rests her hands on the counter, letting out the drown cry she has in her body, trying to do it in silence, so that he cannot hear her. What she has told him is true, but very deeply, she hopes he will decide to fight. She knows what the possibilities are, of course, she knows, but she doesn't know if she can live with the constant question of What would have happened if?
She takes a breath of air, and looks for a lighter in the kitchen drawer, knows it's taking longer than she should, so takes two glasses, pours in some water, which will serve as an excuse. Then, she dries her tears with her sweater's fists and comes back to the room. She leaves both glasses at her husband's night table, along with the lighter. Harvey has moved and is now sitting against the back of the bed, on the side where Donna usually sleeps. She sits next to him and gives him a glass of water.
"I know you are not thirsty, but you need to drink something."
Harvey nods and grabs the glass. He knows she has been crying in the kitchen for a few minutes but prefers not to say anything. Of course, he knows she has cried hidden all this time and knows that she does it hidden to somehow take care of him, and doesn't want to make her feel bad for that. Donna lifts his glass toward him.
"Are there reasons to toast?" Harvey asks, skeptical.
"Always." She responds. "Our love is one of them. Don't you think so?"
"You are right." He responds, raising his glass and colliding with hers. Donna smiles at him and both drink some sips of water, then leave their glasses to one side and she takes the cigarette and lighter.
"So, will we do this?"
Harvey nods and removes the cigarette from her hands, puts it on his lips, and Donna lights it up. He smokes and lets the smoke travel through his body until exhaling. "Would you like to try it?" Donna nods and after taking the cigarette between her fingers, and when she tries, immediately begins to cough. "Are you okay?" Harvey asks, putting his hand on her arm.
"I think." She coughs and takes a sip of water. "That thing is strong." She says and coughs again.
Harvey chuckles. "You are so cute."
"I don't think I'm cute right now."
"You're always cute to me."
Donna blushes and drinks more water. "Let me try again." Harvey nods and she smokes again, and this time at least makes her cough less.
With the running of the minutes, both smoke the whole cigarette and finish the two lying on their backs, looking at the ceiling, their heads tilted toward the center and their hands joined in the middle. They're in complete silence, only their paused breaths are heard. For the first time in many months, Harvey didn't cough for more than half an hour. And it's not only that, but he feels that as minutes pass, his body muscles relax, and the burning in his chest decreases.
"I should have tried this sooner," Harvey murmurs.
Donna smiles sadly and gently squeezes his hand. "Why instead of lamenting, don't you enjoy feeling better?" She tries to cheer him up.
"You may be right." He sighs.
"Hey! I'm always right! I'm Donna!" She says with a soft chuckle and Harvey chuckles too.
"To say that you are right is redundant?"
Donna giggles and turns on her body, to lie on her stomach, lifting her torso with her elbows on the mattress. "I like you to prove me right."
"Yes, I've been able to figure that out on my own." He turns his head and smiles at her and Donna is moved by his smile, the one that seems bigger than his face. "What's the matter?" He asks softly, although his voice is still hoarse.
"I don't remember the last time I saw you smile like this, Harvey..." She shrugs. "Sorry, I'm very sensitive."
"You don't have to say sorry about it." He drops the back of his hand on her waist. "You know... During all this, one of the things I hated the most was people's looks, their pity, their compassion, and I have been afraid you will ever look at me that way because I don't know if I could have endured it, but it has never changed the way you look at me. You've always looked at me with love, and that made me love you each day a little more."
"Harvey…" She sobs and Harvey moves the back of his thumb on her waist. "Nothing could change how much I love you." She approaches him to give him a brief kiss on his lips, practically the only kisses they had shared in those last months, but Harvey intensifies the kiss, opening her lips with his tongue, and Donna of course allows him to access her mouth, feeling her body tremble as she feels their tongues tangling again. "Hey…" She whispers, once they separate in search of air and caress his nose with hers, with a huge smile on her lips.
"Hey..." He smiles at her and they stare at each other without saying anything for a few seconds. Harvey raises his free hand to her cheek and makes her come back to him, he wants to taste her again. Being able to kiss her again reminds him why it's still worth staying alive. Donna responds, of course, by letting their lips and tongues get tangled again in the way they used to. Harvey turns to stay on his side and draws her more toward him, by her waist and she smiles in the middle of the kiss… her husband had stopped doing this so long ago, she's enduring the urge to cry from the emotion she feels. And, the truth is, Harvey is not too far from crying either.
They say nothing, they only kiss with intensity, but also with a lot of love, until Harvey feels a little uncomfortable about the lack of air, and makes her lie by her side. Harvey on his back and she against the side of his body, her head on his shoulder, her arm surrounding his abdomen, and her leg on one of his legs, leaving her foot and calf in the middle of his legs.
"I love you..." He mutters against her forehead and gives her a heartfelt kiss there that causes Donna to close her eyes. He repeats it all the time. He is afraid that it won't be enough.
"I love you too." She muses and gives him a sweet kiss on his neck.
The two sigh and get a little closer, curling up as much as possible.
"It's not that I usually smoke very often, you know that… but, one of the times I did, it was when Mike was caught. We've smoked with Jessica and Louis."
"I could complain that I wasn't invited, but I'll let you continue with the story."
Harvey giggles softly and hugs her tighter. "Well, we actually started, Jessica and I, and when we went to Louis' office, I was having a conversation with Norma's ashes." Donna laughs at imagining him. "Wait, because that's not the best part… he didn't want to smoke, but we insisted…" Harvey laughs in remembering him and spreads laughter to Donna. Hearing him laugh is all she can ask for right now. "So, I threatened to ignite the cigarette over Norma's ashes, although he still refused. He said I would put ashes on her ashes and blah blah blah. Louis being Louis." Donna chuckles. "I counted down, and when I got to 1, I wanted to light it up over the ashes, but he blew and Norma's ashes ended up on his face."
"No, there's no way." She says laughing.
"I swear it was." He also responds by laughing.
"And I thought the worst thing had been his outfit the day I…" She laughs, remembering the day that said to Louis that they were together.
"Please, I don't want to have the mental image of his underwear again." He also says, laughing.
Donna gets up a little so she can look at him, still laughing. "You would look sexy with one of those." She raises her eyebrow.
"Donna!" He laughs. "I know I'm not at my best, but please don't compare me to Louis!"
"You could never make a fool of yourself that way."
Harvey laughs. "Remember the leopard underwear about we laughed for a week?" He laughs, remembering that supposedly sexy underwear. It only had a piece of fabric to fit his penis there and a black elastic between his buttocks.
Donna keeps laughing. "How did we get to that?"
"You were buying underwear during quarantine, and Amazon recommended that to us."
"We should have bought it." She laughs and Harvey's eyes get bigger. "Hey, it was a joke!" She laughs at his expression.
"I've been scared for a moment!"
The two of them look serious for a few seconds, but they cannot hold it down for a long time, and they laugh again. Harvey, if anything hurts at the time, it's the cheeks of laughing. And for a moment, he forgets he is dying.
Even Donna, who has it a little more complicated because she is constantly seeing his head without hair, his sunken eyes, his eyelets, his marks on the skin… also manages to forget it for a few minutes.
Amid laughter and kisses, Donna and Harvey feel like themselves again, being two fools in love who enjoy being together.
They are invaded by a sense of peace that they had forgotten existed.
The effect of cannabis begins to pass after a while, and Donna curls up against him, who wraps her.
"Rest, Donna." He murmurs.
"Can I fall asleep here?" She asks with a smile.
"Yes, stay here, please."
She smiles even more. "I will, you rest too."
Harvey gives her a kiss on her hair. His fingers are tangling in her hair, playing with her red waterfall, while she relaxes, enjoying immensely that warm feeling of peace and relaxation that surrounds her, falling asleep in his arms was a pleasure she didn't experience for a long time ago, and she could long cry from the relaxes she feels, but she knows also that she has cried too much that night and decides that it's best to enjoy it, as she doesn't know if this will happen again.
"Are you comfortable?" She whispers after a while.
He smiles. "I am. I really like that you are here."
She also smiles. "I like this, too." She whispers and moves her hand to reach the left side of his chest, needs to feel the heartbeat of his heart, needs to make sure that he is still alive. Harvey strokes the back of her hand with his thumb.
"I'm here." He murmurs, almost without a voice.
"I know." She also murmurs.
And silence is rebuilt in them, Donna is the first to fall asleep, and Harvey, although he feels much better than all the recent nights, cannot fall asleep. His mind is impossible to shut down. His fingers are gently and tirelessly tangled in Donna's hair, who still clings to him, feels her breathe quietly over him, her exhalations collide against his neck, her body inflates and deflates over him. He feels her smell and warmth surrounding him.
• ∞ • ∞ •
"I know you hate wearing things in your head, but it's very cold, you need to wear them, you're weak and you have to take care of yourself. Please." She says, kindly.
"Being a little cold can't be worse than this shit, Donna." He snorts.
"I just want to take care of you, do you leave me?" She asks politely, putting her hand on his.
"You already do too much." And she hates that he always said the same thing because it would never be enough.
"I have only bought you two hats."
"Have you already bought them? I thought we were still discussing it."
"I'm Donna. I'm always one step ahead." She smiles at him, acting smugly, and he smiles at her too.
"Ok, I'll wear them." He accepts. "You always win. That won't change now." She smirks at him again and grabs him gently down the chin to give him a quick kiss on his lips. "Thank you for taking care of me, for loving me, and for continuing to smile, despite everything."
"I love you, you know that and it's nothing that weighs me or that repents me. I'm not interested in doing anything other than being with you. It is a moment of shit, and love is also about that, of sustaining itself in the moments of shit." She pauses. "I guess I told you this so many times."
"I know, I'm sorry… It's just, you still surprised me."
"I usually have that effect on people." She smiles proudly, and Harvey chuckles.
"Yes, I know that." He pauses. "And I won't discuss it with you. I feel relatively good today, so come here." He says, opening his arms.
Donna smiles broadly and curls up against him, rests her head on his chest, and surrounds him with her arms. "Are you okay like this?"
He smiles. "Yes, having you around makes me feel good."
"I'll always be close to you." She murmurs and feels a kiss from Harvey on her forehead. She smirks and closes her eyes, allowing five minutes of tranquility, without thinking that he is sick. He is just her husband hugging her, and this feels so good.
• ∞ • ∞ •
The days Harvey didn't feel so bad, they spent mornings or afternoons on the balcony. It wasn't a place they would spend too much time before, but they have conditioned it. They have bought a couple of outdoor armchairs, a small table and some plants have been laid out there by Donna.
Harvey had been out there for a while, while Donna was doing some work. When she approaches him, she does it with two cups of tea and leaves them on the table to sit in the armchair next to him. He is speaking on the phone with Marcus, with whom, although it sounds very ironic, this has brought them together much more. Since having gone through the same thing, Harvey feels he is the person who can best understand him.
Donna just sits there and closes her eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun.
"I have to leave you, Marcus."
"No! Do you want me to leave?" Donna murmurs.
"Never." He responds only by moving his lips and Donna smiles, leaning toward him and putting her hand on his knee. Harvey says goodbye to his brother and then smiles as he sees Donna lying on her chair, enjoying the sun. And he didn't care how much he was repeating it lately, he would say it again. "You're beautiful, Donna."
She giggles and blushes, covering the sun with her hands so she can look at him. "You tell this me a lot."
He smiles timidly. "I know, I think it is important that we notice that at least one of us isn't deteriorating."
Donna giggles against her will. "Harvey!"
"What? That's the truth." He shrugs. "Let me joke about this when I can be without my head inside the toilet."
She nods. "Okay, you're right." She grabs the cup of tea and drinks one sip. Harvey does the same thing as her and, as if they were synchronized, both rest on the cup on their right thighs, holding the cups with their hands, and at the same time, they close their eyes and take a deep breath.
None of them say anything, they just enjoy their cups of tea and when the sun goes down, Donna goes in search of the blanket they usually have on the couch and puts it on his legs.
"It felt good to feel normal for a while." He snorts.
"I don't want to be the bad guy here, but you have to take care of yourself."
"You already do it for me." He smiles at her and she smiles back, approaching him to kiss him.
• ∞ • ∞ •
Harvey had already forgotten how good it felt to have Donna curled up on his body. As it was that his muscles weren't on the verge of pain all the time, it's not that he didn't feel pain, but at least he felt relaxed. He had also forgotten what it felt like to be alive without coughing every 3 minutes and felt like he was going to send his lungs out of his mouth. But most of all, he had forgotten what it was like to have Donna so close and not feel uncomfortable. That, to him, felt like the paradise itself.
He had been able to go through everything that happened in these two years, for her. He has no doubt that without her, he would have abandoned the fight long ago.
It feels as if he is exposing his body to war, unbearable pain, which he doesn't know even if it will be successful. At the moment, it seems that he won't be able to break the wall. In fact, it feels as if the wall is about to fall over him.
The only thing that keeps holding him on to life is Donna. There is something he knew from day one. His greatest fear wasn't death. His greatest fear was leaving her alone; missing out on all the years he would share with her. That's what cuts off his breath.
He realizes that, at some point, he started crying and hugs her tighter. He needs to feel her; he needs to feel why it's worth trying once again.
He has had stronger rounds of chemotherapy than others, but from what the doctor has told him, it will be even stronger and he is afraid that he cannot endure it. He feels weak. He doesn't know where to get the strength from.
But, Donna snuggled against him, trying to cling to him to this world with her love, and her inexhaustible ability to love him so much that she can set aside her selfishness and tell him that if he decides not to take the last chance, she will support him… It's too much, it is too much love not to try again.
Perhaps, the strength he needs is her.
• ∞ • ∞ •
"How do you feel?"
"Lousy, but that's not what's matters now." He has to stop because he's coughing. "Are you with Rachel?" Harvey asks Mike.
"Yes, she is here."
"Put the speaker, please."
"Hi Harvey, how are you?" Rachel asks after a few seconds.
"I need to talk fast before Donna comes back... Tomorrow I'll have surgery. Nobody knows it and I don't want anyone to know it. The chances of it being successful are almost nil." He sighs and swallows the urge to cry. "But I don't want Donna to have to wait alone. Could they go to be with her?" He asks, almost without a voice.
"Of course, Harvey," Rachel responds.
"Will they remove your tumor?"
"They will try." He responds, resigned. "Thank you, guys... I know she'll need you, now and when..."
"Harvey..." Mike interrupts.
"It's the truth." He begins to cough, and it takes several seconds until he can resume his words. "Rachel, I need to ask for something more. In my wardrobe drawers, the third drawer has a double bottom... There's something for Donna there. Can you say this to her when I won't be here anymore?"
"Harvey, don't say that. If they'll try surgery, it means you still have hope."
"Promise me, Rachel. Please." He begs.
She sighs. "I promise you, Harvey."
"Thank you. For this and for everything, seriously. I know I never tell you, but you're like my brother and sister, I love you very much and I know you'll be part of the support that Donna will need. Please don't leave her alone." He sobs.
"Harvey, we are family. That will never change." Mike says.
"We will always be there for you and her."
"Thank you, guys." He says. "And sorry, but it hurts me a lot to talk."
"Go rest, Harvey."
"Thank you, really." Harvey mutters and ends the call, curls up in bed, and tiredness quickly wins over. His eyes close, but the burning he feels in his chest doesn't let him fall asleep.
The last chemotherapy destroyed him. He just had the strength to keep his eyes open or to be able to say some phrases aloud. His whole body hurt, much more than it had hurt in these years. It was really unbearable pain that, many times, led him to wish that he wanted everything to end in that very instant. And it was in those moments where he remembered he was doing this for her, for them, because they both deserved that he kept trying, even if the chances were low.
After a few minutes, he listens to Donna's return, and a slight smile is drawn on his lips. He hears as she leaves her keys on the table they have next to the door and then enters the house, she takes off the shoes and coat on the way, leaves the bag with his medicines and one bagel in the kitchen, and approaches quickly the room, begging he's still breathing.
"Hey..." She whispers relieved to him, stroking his forehead with her thumb, and sits next to him, with her feet on the ground.
"Hey." He says in a hoarse voice and takes Donna's hand on his forehead, to put it against his cheek and sigh. "You came back quickly."
She smiles at him. "Yes, there weren't many people." She checks the time. "You can take some painkillers now if you want and maybe eat something... Then you have to start with fasting."
"I don't wanna eat."
"Nothing?" She asks, trying to hide her sadness. "I bought your favorite bagel in the corner cart."
Harvey isn't hungry, but something very within him reminds him that things in the surgery may go very wrong and that maybe it's his last bagel and for days he practically couldn't eat anything without vomiting it. He sighs and gives her a kiss on her palm. "Do we share it?"
"I think it's a good plan." She smiles warmly at him and he greatly appreciates one more time that she, despite everything, always makes an effort and gives him a smile. "I'll bring it here. Do you want to?"
He nods with a faint smile on his lips and she lowers her head until she can give him a kiss on his cheek. "Don't go away." She whispers to him, trying to sound funny.
"You know I have no better plan than to be with you."
"Me neither, Harvey." She whispers and gives him a heartfelt kiss on his forehead, resting her lips there for a few seconds more, she doesn't want to separate from him, not even to go get some things in the kitchen.
Harvey notices it and clings to her with the little strength he has. "I wish I could never escape." He says in a hoarse voice.
She nods, struggling with her tears. "I have faith in tomorrow... I need to have it." She responds, her lips still on his forehead.
"I know, I'm trying the same thing... but we know what the possibilities are."
"I choose to trust." She murmurs and looks at him, moving her thumb restlessly over his arm. "Because I love you and I want you here with me." She adds, dropping some tears.
"Come here…" He murmurs, grabbing her by the side of her head and making her lie down against him. Harvey surrounds her with his arms and she closes her eyes, trying to find some peace. "I love you, Donna... you know it, but I don't want you to ever doubt it." She shakes her head, her eyes overflowing with tears. "And I want to be here with you, too."
Donna hides her face in his chest and clings to him with all her strength as if she can hold on to him to life just with her arms.
• ∞ • ∞ •
Harvey is already in his hospital bed, and fear is taking him. The fear of dying, the one that has been constantly many months ago, but also the fear of dying now, not leaving that operation room, that this is the last time he can see Donna, who is sitting next to him, trying to disguise that she is also terrified. Their hands are joined, as always, but this time, with more force.
"I'll be waiting for you, okay?" She murmurs.
"Okay." He responds, trying to sound convincing. "I love you. Never forget it. You have been the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in this life, and who has made me happiest."
"Don't say goodbye... Please." She sobs.
"I want you to know."
She nods and wipes her tears with her fingertips. "I love you too, Harvey. With all my heart, and you are the most important thing to me, that's why I need you not to let yourself be defeated now without fighting."
"I won't." He promises.
And at that moment, a nurse enters the room, behind his surgeon. "We must take him."
Donna and Harvey nod and press their hands harder. Donna approaches him and gives him a heartfelt kiss on his lips. "I promise you to be here when you wake up." She whispers. "I love you." She sobs and poses her lips back against his own.
Harvey smiles. "I love you, my love." He murmurs and after one last kiss, they separate a little, although their hands are still attached. They only let go when she can no longer reach him.
Donna approaches the waiting room on the other side of the operations rooms, feeling her whole body trembling. She drops into a chair releases a breath of air that she didn't know she was holding and immediately lets out all the tears she was struggling to hold. She rests her elbows on her legs and hides her face in her hands, not noticing that Rachel and Mike approach her. They sit next to him, Donna in the middle, and Rachel puts her hand on her back.
"Hey…" Rachel murmurs.
Donna looks at her sides, surprised, and doesn't quite know what to say.
"Harvey called and asked us to come because he didn't want you to wait alone," Mike explains quickly.
And by listening to those words, Donna can only break even more to cry. Harvey didn't want anyone to know this, because the chances that this wouldn't work were very high. The doctor had told him they could open him and close him again if they could do nothing. And he couldn't continue to bear faces of pity. But he had left that aside to take care of her, even at the most vulnerable moment of his life. God, she loves that man so much.
"Thank you." She sobs and drops her head on the shoulder of her best friend, who immediately hugs her. "I'm terrified." She whispers.
"I know, honey. I know." Rachel tells her. "But, it's Harvey."
"And Harvey is the one who has taught me that if you're against the wall, what you have to do is break down the damn wall. And he will, Donna."
She nods, wanting to believe it. She had told him this so long ago... That she was already afraid that the wall was made of steel.
• ∞ • ∞ •
We still have one chapter left. Please let me know what you think!
