A/N: So, here we are at the end of this story. I'm still overwhelmed by the beautiful reviews you've been left here and on Twitter. I can't believe I've made so many people cry (sorry for that). Thank you for supporting this story and for saying such beautiful things about my writing, every word of yours means the world to me.
I leave you here, the end of this painful journey...
• ∞ • ∞ •
It's daytime, but it's too cloudy, so soon the house gets dark. If you get through the front door, you'll see the coat rack with Donna's coat hanging, her wallet, and her keys on the small table. If you continue walking, you will reach the living room, slightly illuminated by the scarce natural light that comes from the balcony. There is a blanket on the couch, which Donna hasn't arranged on the armrest this time. The beverage cart is still full of bottles of Macallan and other very expensive drinks. On the right, is the kitchen island, with the stools that they chose together several years ago. The bathroom door is half-opened, and those of the offices and gym are closed. Then their room is open. The unarmed bed and pillows scattered throughout the room, the night table of him empty, hers with an empty glass of water, and her phone silenced. She doesn't want to talk to anyone. The door to the bathroom is open, some wet towels are on the floor. Everything is silent, except for the uncontrollable sobs of Donna, who is sitting on the ground of their dressing room, her back resting against a mirror door and her hands tremble to hold a paper with Harvey's handwriting filling the blank space:
"If you're reading this, it's because I'm not here anymore. I'm so sorry, Donna, but I couldn't break down the damn wall and it ended up crushing me. You know I tried. I tried it to the last breath. I wanted to stay with you, and that's what hurts me the most, that I'll miss years of seeing small wrinkles build up around those beautiful hazelnut eyes. Those who always told me how much they love me. It's not enough words (or my time) to thank you for everything you've done for me. You have made me a better person, and you have taken care of me more than yourself. All I could bear was because your hand was holding mine.
You've always believed more in me than I did. And I'm not referring to a working case, I'm referring to what is really important. You have made me a better man and taught me how to enjoy life. You've improved my life every day since the night you looked for me in that bar. I regret nothing, except that I didn't enter the reason before. I really wanted to be able to enjoy more time at your side, and that was what gave me the strength to endure so much pain.
I repeat, because I know you will feel guilty right now, I don't regret it. It has been worth every smile you have given me in these two years, every kiss, every time you took my hand, every time I fell asleep on your chest, every time you curled up in me.
What you've done for me all this time was such a monumental act of love that it hurts me not to be able to return it by staying next to you. Your sincere and unselfish love has filled my heart. Your hand holding mine is the feeling I want to have in eternity.
Cry for me, cry for as much time as you need, but let you heal… I want you to be happy again because you deserve it, and the world deserves to see your smile. Remember me with a smile and don't be afraid to go ahead. Decide what you want. I promise it will be fine. I will take care of you from wherever I will be. And I'll be happy if I see you happy. Always. I promise you.
You've been the most wonderful gift life gave me, Donna. I love you so much. I promise you that my love for you is bigger than this stupid tumor. I know it doesn't look like that now, but believe me. Even though we are no longer in the same place, our love remains stronger.
Donna, you have agreed to let me go so as not to see me suffer anymore, and you told me in pain, as is usual in you, always thinking of others first. Thank you for that act of love so enormous… You know, that's why I accepted the last round of chemo and the surgery because you deserved I continued to fight (and because, very deeply, I still had a little hope). Promise me this time you'll think of yourself first.
Except for the money I gave Marcus for the children's college, absolutely everything is for you… I just want to give you the freedom to decide how to continue your life. You can pass the mourning like where and for as long as you want… but again, promise me that you won't cry for me for the rest of your life. You deserve to continue enjoying life. I wish you could do it, from the depths of my heart… I promise you that what you decide will be fine. Fall in love again if you can. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life as a widow in mourning. You don't deserve it, Donna.
I love you so much, honey, that I wouldn't get an entire book full of words.
I'll be waiting for you. I know that one day you'll smile at me again as usual.
You know? I'm feeling your hand clinging to mine... And I know they will always be joined, but please let go of me when you're ready. I promise you that eternity will find us again.
I thank you, and I love you.
Being your husband is the greatest honor I've ever had, Donna. And saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.
I love you forever.
Yours, always.
Harvey."
Donna's vision is blurred. Her tears are more than her eyes can release in the short term and they accumulate there. She brings her bent knees to her torso and hugs them weakly, looking for a way to self-comfort. One of her hands is on her wrist and her other hand holds the letter, which starts reading again… Stopping in every single word.
Her trembling hand makes reading even more difficult, but she doesn't care. She needs to re-read it.
And re-read it again.
Her gaze passes through each line, absorbing the meaning of each word.
His words wrap and destroy her in the same way.
"Hey..." He murmurs, resting his hand on the door frame and with his gaze directed towards her.
"Hey..." She raises her head to look at him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.
"You weren't supposed to find that." He offers her his hand to get up.
"Sorry," she takes his hand and squeezes it, remembering that he is here. "I was looking for an earring and... Sorry, I didn't want to." She shakes her head and stands up with his help.
"Anyway, it was for you." He responds calmly and dries her tears carefully with his fingertips while taking away some strands of hair that fall on her face. "Rachel knew it was there." Donna can't answer. She just leaves the letter and clings to him by his neck. He immediately wraps her around her waist. "Hey..." He murmurs, stroking her back with his hand. "I'm here. Stop crying, please."
She giggles through tears. "Thank heavens you are here and I can continue to hug you."
Harvey smiles and hugs her tighter. "Hug me tight. You no longer have to be careful of my bruises." He murmurs against her ear and Donna smiles widely, clinging to him against all her forces. "It feels so good to hug you and don't feel pain." He sobs.
Donna wraps her fingers in his hair, which, although thinner and weaker, has grown again, and scratches him gently with her fingertips. "Harvey…" she murmurs amid crying and cannot continue talking. Harvey gives her repeated kisses on her cheek that makes her giggle and God, he could spend his life listening to her laugh.
"Can I know why you were looking for an earring between my clothes?"
She giggles again and separates a little to look at him. "I lost an earring and I remember having both last nights before my husband decided he wanted to fuck against that mirror, so I came to look for it here… I wasn't lucky, anyway." She shrugs.
"I'm so sorry for your earring."
"No, you don't." She chuckles.
"Hasn't it been worth it?"
She flutters her eyes. "It was worthwhile against that mirror, and in the shower." She pauses. "Also on the couch and in the bed, of course."
He grins. "It feels so good to come back to this... 4 times in 2 days... I think I'm coming back." He smiles proudly.
She smirks at him with all the love in the world, because she missed even his arrogance. "Can we say that we are well using this holiday, huh?" They giggle. "I don't want to make the bed anymore. I just want to be curled there with you." She says and hugs him again. "I'm so happy that you can feel like yourself again, Harvey." And she feels him smiling against her neck, which makes her smile too.
The pain in his body gradually vanished, and he was starting to feel like himself again... all he wants is to feel alive again, and that happens when he's with his wife.
Harvey smiles and separates her from the ground, twisting with her between his arms and making her laugh once again until he lowers her and kisses her, taking her by her cheeks. "I'm also very happy, Donna."
It cost him a lot to recover, both from the nearly two years with cancer in his body and from the countless sessions of chemotherapy and drugs, and then added to the surgery. And then the tests. It felt as if nothing ever ended, but eventually, it did. It's true that his hair is now different, much thinner and gray, and his body is much more thin and flaccid, has needle marks on all his arms, his face has several new wrinkles, and the bags under his eyes seem to no longer be like before… but, Donna can swear that even so, she sees him more beautiful than before. He is alive and healthy. There is nothing that can seem nicer to her than that.
At first, he was tired of just walking 5 minutes, not talking about sports, or having sex. Recovery, particularly of his lung capacity, has been slow and there are still times when he feels he is out of air again. But, he is learning to manage it. Many times, it feels like he is learning to breathe again.
To live again.
• ∞ • ∞ •
Donna sits in a very uncomfortable chair next to his bed, but she's not thinking about the chair. She clings her hand to his hand and her other hand rests on the side of his head, gently scratching behind his ear. She struggles to contain her tears, but it's in vain. She still feels her body and soul trembling, even though the doctor has been told that the surgery has been successful, he is still unconscious, with oxygen and cables coming out of his body and she doesn't stop to think about what they are for... She has no mental space to do so, much less emotional strength. It has been many months of a struggle that never worked, and finally, this looks like a light at the end of the dark road.
She squeezes his hand with hers and lets out a sigh that loosens her body completely, causing tears to begin to fall from her eyes effortlessly.
"Harvey..." She murmurs and takes a breath of air. "I'm here with you." She says with a broken voice. "Okay, I know you're still on sedation, but I think I won't be able to breathe again quietly until you look at me again." She whispers, moving her thumb on the back of his hand, in the gap between his thumb and his index finger. "Doctors say you'll be fine..." She adds, scratching behind his ear, and gently raises their hands together, to caress his knuckles with her lips. "I love you and I need you with me." She sobs and gives him a heartfelt kiss on his knuckles, then carefully puts his hand back on the bed again. "I can hear you saying that I should go home and that you'll be fine, but there's no way I didn't spend the night here with you. You're not in a position to argue, you know?" She giggles softly and feels a slight squeeze in her hand. "Are you listening to me?" She asks with a smile, but his hand doesn't move again. "I hope so." She sighs. "And it's okay, now I'll be quiet because probably you're thinking my monolog is endless." She giggles again and squeezes his hand. "But, I'll stay here." She brings the chair a little closer and drops against the backrest, her hands cradle her husband's hand between them and she spends countless minutes staring at him in silence, unable to stop crying.
Several nurses come in to check his vital signs during the following hours, but she doesn't move from there. She wants her to be the first thing he sees when he awakens. She wants to be the one who tells him she doesn't want to miss that moment.
Donna still holds his hand against the bed, her thumb stroking his wrist, drawing his veins, and her eyes staring on his face completely relaxed, he seems to be resting for the first time in a long time. She is glad that the medication is helping him.
She feels relief and a sense of peace flooding her, although the road is not over and he will have to do regular checks, and take some more meds, but they have been able to remove the tumor in the operation room, and his body has resisted it. That's so much more than she was encouraged to imagine.
She doesn't know how much time she spends there; she doesn't care either. She didn't remember the last time she had felt so at peace.
When she notices Harvey squeezing her hand with a little more force, she smiles and already feels on the edge of tears again. She intensifies her caresses with her thumb, making him notice she is there and he frowns a little.
"Quiet…" She murmurs as she sees him and puts her free hand on his arm, taking care of the needle. "I'm here." She adds and gently squeezes his hand. Harvey moves his head to the side, completely confused. "It's okay… you're waking up from anesthesia, quiet." She keeps talking softly. Harvey opens his eyes very slowly, having a hard time getting used to the light. "Hey…" Donna tells him with a huge smile, but Harvey can't focus his gaze on her. He still sees everything blurred. "Do you hear me?" She asks. "If the answer is yes, squeeze my hand." And immediately he does, and she chuckles. "Good..." She keeps talking and raises his hand with hers to give him a deep kiss on his knuckles. "Do you know where you are?"
"I think." He whispers in a very hoarse voice.
"Ok." She says, intertwining her fingers with his as he blinks hard, trying to be able to focus his eyes on his wife. "You are in the hospital."
"I know." He says, finally being able to see her. "And now I can see you a little better." He smiles. "Am I still anesthetized? I don't feel anything."
"Yes, the surgery was over several hours ago, but they said the effects would take a while to go away." She pauses and swallows saliva, feeling her tears itching. "Harvey, they have managed to remove the tumor. The last chemo worked better than expected and they have been able to remove it. It was successful, Harvey." She tells him, with a few tears of emotion rolling down from her eyes, her lips trembling, her voice choppy. She can't believe it yet.
"Really, Donna?" He asks, afraid that he has misunderstood.
"Really, Harvey." She smiles and kisses the back of his hand. "You have to stick with tests and stuff, but there's no more cancer in your body."
Harvey can't react. He just feels the tears falling down the sides of his face. He needs to squeeze his wife's hand to make sure this is real. "They said it was almost impossible."
"Almost, you have said it."
"Will I be able to hug you again without my whole body hurting?" He sobs.
Donna giggles in happiness and stands up, to lean over him and get closer. "Yes, you can hug me as much as you want." She murmurs and kisses his forehead. "And kiss me, and walk with me… And rest all night, and be able to go to dinner with me, and you can return to the firm… we can return to travel, and dance in the middle of the living room." She pauses. "Oh, and by the way. We will also be able to have a lot of sex again." She winks at him and makes Harvey laugh.
"Can you kiss me now?" He asks with a smile, and Donna nods with her head, smiling as well, and approaches to kiss him. She feels his hand sit on her waist and she smiles against his lips. "I can't speak much now, but I want to tell you I love you, Donna. So much. I couldn't have done this without you."
"Sh... You are the one who did it. And I love you too." She murmurs and kisses him again.
• ∞ • ∞ •
"Donna, do you want to come for a walk?" He asks after approaching where she is. "I don't know how much I'll be able to bear it, but the doctor has told me I should start walking outside."
Donna smiles at him from the couch. "Of course," She responds and stands up. "It doesn't matter if it's only 5 minutes. It will be good for you."
"Yes, it's that I still feel weird. It's only been a few weeks."
"You have to come back to life one step at a time." She says sweetly, holding his hand between hers, standing beside him.
"I know." He smiles shyly. "Maybe we can go to the park. It'll be a short walk. Probably I'll need to rest before we go back and there we can sit."
"And we bought coffee and bagels along the way?" He grins. "I'll take that as a yes." She murmurs and gives him a kiss on the cheek.
Within a few minutes, they're holding hands and walking down the sidewalk, at a leisurely pace, Donna following his rhythm, her other hand wraps around his arm, and her head is tilted against his shoulder.
They buy coffee and bagels for both of them and go to the park, where they sit on one bench there.
"Do you feel fine?" She asks softly.
"Yes." He sighs. "A bit agitated, but fine."
She smiles sideways and gives him one bagel, while he gives her one coffee and they settle on the bench, the sides of their body glued, their knees rubbing.
"Look at me, please…" He murmurs. Donna turns her head and looks at him, frowning her entire face at the sun and he smiles with his characteristic smile that wrinkles the sides of his eyes. "I missed this so much. " He whispers.
"Me too, Harvey," She sighs and drops her head on his shoulder. "Seeing you smile like that, and start to feel that we're a normal couple again."
"I was thinking about your face frowning with the sun." Donna chuckles. "But yes, you're right. I can't feel 100% like me yet, but this is really nice." He responds and kisses her head.
• ∞ • ∞ •
The surgery was two months ago. Harvey has been taking some medications and with regular medical checkups. Slowly, the days begin to resemble what they were before, although they spend almost the whole day at home because Harvey is still tired of being standing or walking long, and even though they haven't yet had sex again, it looks pretty much like the life they remembered.
Donna is sitting on the couch, against the armrest, and Harvey is lying there with his head on her lap. They had chosen a movie. Donna has her elbow bent over the armrest and her head tilted over her hand. The fingers of her other hand drag on his neck, gently, and the truth is that she doesn't know what is happening in the film because she notices to the touch that his hair is already long enough to be able to scratch his nape as she used to do before. And she does it without warning, with a smile on her face, and Harvey hums when he feels it.
"I thought I was never going to be able to have that feeling again." Harvey groans in satisfaction.
Donna smiles even more. "Sh... Relax."
"Believe me, I'm relaxed."
"I know, Harvey. I can feel it." She says, even scratching the back of his neck. "And it's okay. I just want you to feel good." She pauses. "It's what I've wanted all this time, and after so much suffering, you deserve it."
"You deserve it too."
"I'm relaxed and well, too."
He tilts his head so he can look at her. "I don't care about the movie. Come here."
"I'm here!" She says.
Harvey's teeth sink into his bottom lip and roll his eyes as he sits down and then grabs her by her waist and makes her lie down on the couch. He gently lies down on her. "When I said here, I meant this." He murmurs.
She smirks, her hand going up to his nape again. "Ok, I like this."
"And I like you." He whispers, coming close to her lips until he reaches her mouth and wraps her lower lip between his. "And this." He murmurs before he really kisses her.
She lets herself be guided by him, lets him into her mouth, and tangles with her tongue as she traps his hips with her legs, enjoying the feeling of his weight on her. Donna moans in his mouth and he smiles against her lips. Being able to make her feel good was one of the things that are giving him the most happiness, after so long, without being able to do it.
He separates his lips a little from those of her and without letting her a second to complain; he begins to make a path with his lips, starting at the corner of her lips, passing through her jaw, and going down her neck.
"Harvey…" She hums when she feels his kisses are getting more intense and looking more like small suctions.
Harvey doesn't respond, just reaches for one of her hands and intertwines their fingers, as he continues tasting her skin.
After a while, he begins to feel breathless and needs to stop. He rests his head on her chest.
"I'm sorry." He sighs.
"Nothing to forgive. That was nice." She murmurs and kisses his head.
"I want to enjoy sex with you again." He snorts.
"I know, and I want it too." She pauses. "But, Harvey, you were so close to death…" She sighs. "It's okay, the recovery will take time, but you're alive."
He nods. "You make me feel alive."
She smiles. "You have me here."
Harvey hugs her tighter. "That you are by my side was the reason why I didn't let myself be defeated."
"I will continue to be by your side... And it's okay, we don't have to rush. It's much more than enough that you're fine and alive. You'll see that one day you'll feel as usual again."
"I'm feeling it, but not 100%."
"It's the beginning."
He chuckles. "Why do you always see the good side of everything?"
"Harvey, I wake up every day with you by my side, knowing that you're finally safe. I can't see anything negative in this." She pauses. "Look at me, please." Harvey raises his torso and head to look at her. "You spent two years sick, suffering unbearable pains and with death behind you all the time. Please, Harvey, stop thinking about what you can't do yet. Think about everything you've recovered."
"But I'm scared."
"About what?"
"I guess your patience has a limit and at some point, you will get tired."
"Harvey…" He murmurs. "That won't happen, I promise." She smiles affectionately at him.
"You deserve more."
"Please, stop with this. That you have taken the last chance and everything you have endured in the face of the remote possibility you had of staying by my side is much more than I deserve."
"It isn't. You deserve the world."
"This will sound like a romantic movie, but you are my world and I have you here with me. I don't need more."
"Yes, it sounds like a romantic movie." He frowns, mocking her.
"This conversation is over. Shut up and kiss me again."
He giggles, and he does.
• ∞ • ∞ •
"I have something to tell you." He says with a smile.
"What?"
"My doctor has called me. My exams are completely clean. So, I've been clean for six months now." Donna smiles and just keeps crying. "Do you plan to stop crying at some point?" He frowns, funny.
She chuckles and refuses with her head. "I spent too much time crying in hiding. Now hug me." And Harvey, of course, does it. "It's the best news you could give me, Harvey. Thank you for not giving up."
"Thank you for holding me for so long... and I'm sorry, I know this hurt you too."
"I have nothing to forgive you. We're here now and you're okay. That's all that matters now." She gives him a kiss on her cheek. "But don't stop hugging me." Harvey giggles softly and wraps it much harder. "Harvey!" She complains. "That hurts me."
"Uh, I'm sorry." He says though they both know he doesn't. "And this?" He asks, lowering his hands down her waist until he reaches her butt and squeezes with his hands there. "Does it hurt you too?"
She smiles against his neck. "No, that's nice."
"Just nice?" He squeezes harder.
"Yes," she says and bites his neck.
"That hurts too!"
"I know." She shrugs. "Just a small retaliation."
Harvey doesn't respond, just turns her around and starts walking, pushing her and causing her to walk back, heading to the room. "So what you want is retaliation?" He asks with his lips on her lips and bites her lower lip, gently pulling on it.
Donna emits a soft moan of annoyance but also chuckles. "Yes, the ones that are necessary."
"God, Donna Paulsen, one day you will kill me!" He says, pushing her against the bed and falling against her.
"Can you not make that joke? Please." She murmurs.
Harvey smiles tenderly at the sensitivity that invades his wife's face. "Sorry," He frowns and stares at her for a few seconds, in which Donna's eyes are again filled with tears. "Hey…" He murmurs and raises his hand to her cheek, passing his thumb there.
"Sorry," she says with a hoarse voice.
"Why should I forgive you? For loving me? For everything you've done for me?"
She smiles at him. "I don't know, but I don't want to cry anymore. Can you retaliate against me right now?"
Harvey chuckles and murmurs on her lips: "Your wishes are orders."
• ∞ • ∞ •
4 months after the surgery, Donna and Harvey decide to go to their other house, on the outskirts of the city, for a few days. Harvey starts to feel better and better and both need to have a few quiet, relaxing days. They deserve it after so long-suffering and locked in their Seattle condo.
What has happened was a lot and still overwhelms him (and also her). Getting away from the noise of the world, with his wife, helps him rediscover his new himself.
They arrived the night before and it was so cold that they only got to open the suitcases, change their clothes to sleep, and have a quick dinner in bed. While they have taken turns driving, Harvey feels tired and they fall asleep soon.
The next morning, they wake up and snuggle up for a while amid the blankets, just feeling their warmth and lazily caressing each other. They realize that during the night; it has been snowing, so Donna tries to convince him to turn on the fireplace, after giving him countless sweet kisses on his neck and behind his ear, and murmurs to him again and again how much she loves him, he gets up and does it. When he returns, she wants to snuggle up with him, but he doesn't leave her. He needs to kiss her. Really kisses her. He starts slowly, enters gently into her mouth, absorbing her taste and enjoying her soft hums, while her hands cling him close, her fingers behind his neck, screwed into his hair. Harvey opens her lips with his tongue and both gently groan in unison when their tongues meet. They kiss and savor themselves without haste, but both know that this situation cannot be held for much more. They really miss and need each other. Donna has had infinite patience with him and both know that Harvey's recovery is on a very good path. They can try, and it happens.
For the first time in an eternity, they make love again, under the blankets and with the sound of the fireplace in the background. And it's slow and loving, and it almost makes them cry. Both are physically different, Harvey more than Donna, and that makes the physical reunion feel even deeper. At first, they giggle, because they seem inexperienced, but soon realize that deeply, they remain Donna and Harvey, and they know exactly what to do to make each other feel good. After too many kisses, she notices he feels a little fearful, so it's she who takes the initiative and is in charge of turning him on. She knew he was afraid that so much chemotherapy would have generated erectile problems on him, but the way his body reacts to his wife shows the opposite. He feels alive again. Donna touches, caresses, kisses, licks, sucks, and loves him completely as if she had nothing more important to do. And in fact, she doesn't. Harvey completely surrendered to her, feeling his body filled again with pleasant sensations. No more pain. After a considerable time of him enjoying her actions and of her absorbing every moan of pleasure from him (those which feel like touching the sky with her hands after having seen and heard him suffer so much), he makes her sit on his lap and he also sits, and as their lips come back together, he makes her turn. He stays over his wife and now he's the one who takes care of touching, stroking, squeezing, kissing, licking, and loving. Donna also feels alive again, so much so that some tears fall from her eyes while Harvey's head is buried between her legs and she whines, but with happiness. He whispers, asking if she is okay, and she answers that perfectly, and again feels his tongue between her folds, which causes her back to arch and grunt her husband's name. Harvey enjoys her reactions and groans, even her tears, because he knows what they mean, and after a while, he makes her come with his mouth and fingers. She realizes that she really no longer remembered how this felt, pleasure and happiness running through her body.
Harvey kisses the way from her core to her mouth, and before she can assimilate it, she tastes herself in his mouth as she feels Harvey's hardness against her sensitive core. She wraps him with her arms and legs and makes him drop more on her, too concentrated in the dance of their tongues and in him rubbing slowly between her legs.
After a few minutes, Harvey slides inside her and at first feels a little uncomfortable, even for him, but they don't need to say anything. They know it just by looking at each other. They are emotionally overwhelmed and a little physically uncomfortable. He stays still, observing her facial expression with a smile and tangling the short hairs that fall on her ear with his index and middle fingers. She also watches him with a faint smile, her fingers going up and down his spine. Harvey whispers to her he loves her as he gently kisses her entire face and she surrounds tighter his hips with her legs, inviting him to finish filling her, and, as he does, his lips crush with hers. Donna tells him with her gaze that he can move, and he does. Their bodies being one again is something that completely overwhelmed them. For the first time, they really manage to forget everything and just enjoy the moment. It's slow and soft. Neither of them wants to rush. He moves delicately over her, their hands joined over her head, while their lips are joined, their groans mixed and sound like just one. They're just one.
As the minutes go by, Harvey drops his head on the side of her neck and feels agitated, but not in a good way, so she breaks his hips with her foot and whispers that she can do it, and although Harvey feels a little embarrassed, she takes care of making him feel safe with just one glance. They turn without losing the connection under the blankets and she stands on him. Harvey smiles at her, so in love with that woman, and she returns the smile as her hands sit on his chest to begin moving. Harvey helps her with his hands on her hips, reaching her butt, and although it's still slow, everything gets much more intense when they feel close, Harvey reaches her mound with his thumb causing Donna to collapse against him, although without stopping to move because they're still on the edge, his movements are added to hers and he asks her to please look at him, and she does. They reach the top of pleasure by staring at each other deeply in the eyes. She reaches her orgasm first, and her contractions make him spill into her. Both start crying in the middle of a loud laugh, still with their bodies sailing the pleasure. And they hug, holding all their world in their arms, whispering again and again how much they love each other. He whispers to her about what she told that night, that it was the reason why he didn't remove the blankets and Donna's heart expands a few inches inside her chest.
After countless curled minutes, they make coffee to enjoy in bed, with views of the countryside. Then they share a shower, which at another time would have meant a second round, but not this time. They only enjoy being able to be hugged skin to skin, wash their hair to each other, and kiss every inch of their bodies.
Now, he is sitting on the bench outside, his eyes closed by the sun and yes, he is enjoying the sound of the birds.
He hears Donna walking towards him, who offers him another cup of coffee, and then sits next to him. He runs his free arm behind her, and she curls up against the side of his body.
"That ridiculous wool hat." He purses his nose when he feels it tickling on his chin.
"I won't stop wearing them." She drinks a sip of coffee. "And don't think I haven't seen that you threw away yours."
"I hope I never need them again." He murmurs and feels a gentle squeeze of Donna on his knee.
"You won't."
"I wish I could be so sure."
"I understand you will be a cancer patient all your life... But, you've gone against all odds... That has to mean something."
"Something like that?" He asks and drinks a few sips of his coffee.
She shrugs. "Like enough was enough." She says in a slightly broken voice. "More than enough."
"It has been." He sighs. "I'll keep seeing the doctors when I need them, and I'll do all the necessary checkups." He says, pressing his hand against her shoulder affectionately. "I'll do my best so that shit won't happen again."
"I know..." she responds and drinks another sip of her coffee, with her look lost on the ground. "I can't take my fear away." She sobs. "Many nights I wake up with a lump in my throat, afraid you won't be there." She confesses. "It's the same fear I had when I used to run to see if you were still breathing." She says, in tears.
"Hey..." He leaves the cup to one side and wraps her between his arms. She leaves her cup too and snuggles over him. "I have to touch my head many times to make sure there's hair."
Donna sighs and closes her eyes. "It was much more than a human can bear."
"I still don't know how my body endured it." He murmurs. Donna tilts her head enough to give him a sweet kiss on his neck as he kisses her head.
Then, they are silent for a while. Something that happens very often, some painful confession or memory and then a long silence absorbed in a hug. Giving themselves a few minutes to process it.
After a few minutes of being hugged, he proposes going to walk, and that's what they do.
They walk hand in hand, at a slow pace, both still assimilating the last years… Sometimes, they felt as if their minds were still trapped there.
Harvey stops, and Donna keeps walking without noticing it until she feels a small pull on her arm. Harvey didn't release her. She looks at him, waiting for some sign, and he approaches her with a big step to squeeze her between his arms. "Everything will be fine." He whispers and she nods with a smile.
"Everything will be fine." She repeats and they hug tighter.
• ∞ • ∞ •
After a while, Donna is lying down and covered by the sheets, one of her legs stretched out and the other bent, her foot against her knee and her head turned towards him. Harvey is next to her, lying on the side of his body, the sheet covering him up to his waist. One of his hands is attached to Donna's, while the fingers of his other hand walk smoothly from the heel of her palm, through her wrist, and up to the bend of her elbow. Over and over again.
They are both relaxed, allowing themselves that the bubble of happiness they are in now is not punctured by absolutely anything and anyone.
Harvey gently bobs his head until he reaches her forehead and gives her a soft kiss there, which she receives with a smile on her face. He moves again, looking at her gaze, and she turns to stand completely in front of him and looks at him for a few seconds, tilting her head. "What is going through that cute little head?" She murmurs.
He smiles softly. "I thought you could hear my thoughts."
She chuckles. "Yes, but not clearly. I can only hear the gears moving in there." He chuckles too and says nothing, just wraps her, appealing to her to his body. Donna also hugs him and tangles her fingers in his hair as she feels he loosens completely against her. "Hey..." she murmurs, feeling him sobbing against her neck. He denies with his head and clings more to her. "Harvey..." she whispers fearfully. "Did the doctor tell you anything else?" She asks, terrified.
"No, no. It's not that... Or yes, but no. I'm fine." He says through tears, feeling all his muscles relax more and more with each tear he lets out. Donna sighs in relief and gives him a kiss on the side of his face. "I think..." He sighs. "I'm starting to really become aware of everything that happened... It's a bit late, I know."
"No, it's not too late..." she says, scratching his nape. "It makes sense that you first needed to heal your body and now you are taking care of your mind."
"Yes, it makes sense."
"Do you want to share more?" She murmurs, rubbing his back with her hand.
Harvey separates a little from her and sighs heavily. "I don't know exactly what to say. My head becomes a labyrinth. I feel like it's all happened to someone else."
Donna nods and slides her hand from his shoulder to his wrist, where she reaches for his hand. "It's happened to you." She responds and raises their hands joined. Harvey speaks as she kisses his knuckles and fingers again and again.
"I know... You know what I can't stop thinking about lately? In my vows." He pauses and inhales deep. "I wrote them thinking of you, that something bad might happen to you, and how for many years I didn't admit my feelings for fear of losing you... But, I never thought that it could happen the other way round, I was panicking about losing you, Donna. I was more afraid of losing the future with you than of dying."
"Harvey..." she sobs, her bottom lip shaking.
"I feel as if we have written our vows as a premonition. I know I don't believe in these things, but..."
"I thought about your vows the moment we heard the diagnosis."
"When we heard it, I thought about all the time we had lost."
She smiles with sadness. "I never thought love could be so terrifying." She sobs. "The idea of never being able to hug you again made it difficult for me to breathe." Harvey hugs her tighter and she smiles through tears. "Thank you for not giving up."
"Thank you for encouraging me." He murmurs and gives her a brief kiss. "This isn't the most romantic analogy in the world, but we know I enjoy boxing." She nods. "I felt like I was in a fight, without a second to rest. Everything was hits and blows, but each time I raised my head, you were there, encouraging me. And when I thought I couldn't do it, that it was a knockout..." He sighs. "I wasn't going to do it. I didn't have the strength to go through chemotherapy again. I wasn't going to do it." And hearing those words, Donna sobs deeply. "I really believed it was going to be in vain, and I hated it. I hated the idea of leaving you alone, but I felt it no longer made sense." He says and stares at her for a few seconds. "What you told me that night made me change my mind, that you were willing to tell me that, made me realize you deserved me to try..." He pauses and dries her tears with his fingertips. "And after smoking, I felt a little better, and that you were asleep in my chest... Your calm breathing, your warmth wrapping around me, your body holding me. That's been the push I needed. That you have had that act of love overwhelmed me."
"And when have you written that letter?" She asks, drowned in tears.
"I wrote it one night while you were sleeping. I don't know how I managed not to wake you up. I did it in the bathroom."
"That you agreed to go through one last treatment knowing what the possibilities were and having written that it would be okay if I fell in love with someone else is also a huge act of love."
"You were willing to take my hand if I decided to die, Donna."
"I know, because I love you, and I didn't want to interfere with your decision and, in the end, I did." She giggles softly.
"Thank God you have done it, Donna! I'm alive because of you, in the most literal sense of the word."
She giggles. "Thanks to you, you've been through all that."
"And you held me."
"That's what love is all about, Harvey. Yes, it can be very terrifying, but it's also beautiful."
He smiles. "You are beautiful." He murmurs, rubbing her nose with his and she giggles softly. "And by the way, now that I've been clean for 6 months, let's leave out that it would be fine if you fell in love with someone else because I plan you will be in love with me all my life. And I plan to have a long life."
"I can't wait to be in love with you all your life, my all life, Harvey." She murmurs and presses her lips against his. "I love you and admire you. A lot."
Harvey squeezes her hard against his body and enjoys her squeal. "I love you, and I admire you too..." He says, kissing her neck as she giggles. "Think about where our next trip will be. I need a wonderful vacation."
"Do you feel energized to do it?"
"Yes, and I feel like I need it. Leave the city for a while. We have spent a lot of time locked up and although I have already returned to the office and we have gone to the countryside for a few days, it is not the same."
"I remember that one night, at the beginning of the treatment, you told me that when everything was over, you wanted to go to a beach, where we just went to rest. And I think that sounds good."
"Yes, it sounds great!" He murmurs, and without warning, his fingers stuck in her waist. "But do you know it sounds better?" He asks, tickling her.
"No, Harvey, no!" she laughs out loud, trying to get away from him.
"Your laughter." He murmurs, holding his hands to her waist, letting her breathe.
"God, I love you so much, Harvey Specter!" she says with a huge smile on her face.
"And I love you so much, Donna Paulsen!" He says, spinning until he is over her body and kissing her again. Donna surrounds his body with her limbs and Harvey makes them turn over and over in the bed, amid kisses and laughter.
Both had enjoyed each other, even before they were together, but after Harvey's disease, life seemed brighter before their eyes. They no longer took for granted every word, every caress, every kiss or hug... They had learned to live and enjoy deep every second they spent together. It had been a hard and long road, but they had both learned that even though love can be terrifying, it's also beautiful and worth living.
"These things make you realize how precious life is. How important every second we have on this earth is. And how important the people we care about are to us."
• ∞ • ∞ •
Thank you so much for having reached the end of this story. I hope you have not been disappointed with the end. I always had story and disease clear in my mind but never had it come to the end, and a friend who read this before it was published told me that I thought I wouldn't kill Harvey because I wouldn't bear to make Donna suffer so much, And I think she's right. (by the way, thank you Gabi for having read this first!). I still believe in happy finals, at least in fanfiction.
Thank you again for reading this story. You know I'd love to read what you think about this ending :)
See you in the next story, xx
Cami :)
