I found a map that shows were the Winchesters have been during their hunts! It's only up to s10 though, I wish someone would update it to s13...
h*t*t*p*:*/*/*r*e*b*l*o*g*g*y*.*c*o*m*/post/supernatural-mine-spn-infographic-mine-graphic-im-sorry-spnedit-howboutnovak-s/125355352602
(To see correctly, you must remove ALL asterisks).
Chapter 5
Dean let himself fell flat on the bed and closed his eyes, not even bothering to turn on his back. Man, his whole body ached... and not only that, he was also emotionally exhausted. Well, that's what happens when you get personally involved in a case, but this time it had been unavoidable: Claire Novak, luckily the girl had made it and didn't turn into a full-fledged werewolf. He didn't want to even think about what he should have told Castiel if the young huntress had been lost, that would surely have broken the angel's heart. And right after dealing with Crowley's son and the alpha vampire and that crazy hellhound bitch and... ugh, what an awful streak they were having. No wonder Dean was so desperate for a long nap, or a good hot shower.
Clean clothes would be nice too, of course. See, this is where his wish for fresh underwear would be handy, should he ever use Amara's pearl.
Thinking about Claire, Dean's thoughts consequently moved to his best friend. It had been several days since the seraph finally got a lead on Kelly Kline and went after her, but at least this time he was doing frequent checking ups, so Dean knew that the ominous 'cosmic consequences' hadn't got a hold on him yet. And also... having all this time alone had forced the hunter to stop stalling and face Castiel's words in the barn, that kept repeating in loops in his very tired brain. Whatever they meant.
"Dammit."
With a grunt, Dean got up and went to the locker room, intending to spend at least an hour under the awesome water pressure of one of the showers.
Later, when he was already clean and refreshed and his fingers pruney, Dean joined his also clean brother in the kitchen. They both laughed at Jessica's attempts to make something edible for dinner, considering how old the appliances were, which the woman didn't really find all that funny when her cookies came out of the oven underbaked and had to be put in again for another hour. She was hungry too, after all.
"This kitchen hasn't seen the last of me!" Jess exclaimed, fired up and shoving the men out of the way. "While the cookies are in the oven, I'll prepare some risotto with chicken and cheese sauce. You two get out and wait until I call you back."
"But I could hel-" Dean tried to say, but Sam's hand closed over his mouth while dragging him to the war room.
"You don't want to do that, believe me. Jess may turn a bit over-frustrated when her cookies are at stake."
"Oh... ok, if you say so," Dean shrugged, sitting down on a chair.
"And while we wait, we could talk about what's eating you."
The older brother frowned, not sure where this was going, and even less sure he actually wanted to know.
"What do you mean?"
"Dean, I know that look on your face. It's the one you always get when you need to sort out your feelings and don't know how." Sam tried to sound as open and reassuring as he could, knowing that feelings were always a thorny subject for Dean. "It's the face that tells me 'Let's have one of those chick-flick moments that I pretend to hate but actually love', so if you want to talk about anything, I'm here to listen."
"Hey, that's not..." He was going to deflect by inertia, but... damn, he was already too old to feel embarrassed over such petty things. He sighed, running a hand through his wet hair. "Ok, you're right. There's something I can't stop thinking about, and it's really bothering me, Sammy."
He rested his elbows on the table, hiding his face on his hands for a moment, trying to get the words out. Sam just waited patiently, knowing this could take a while.
"Alright, here's the thing. You remember when Cas was dying back at the barn? Yeah, of course you do, not like anyone could forget such exciting trip. But Cas was dying and he said some things, and I guess when you think you're about to die you just sputter whatever is on your mind, and it doesn't mean it's not sincere but perhaps it's also something you never intended to say in the first place, or ever, but..."
"Dean, DEAN!" Sam interrupted, raising a hand. "Calm down, please. You're blabbering so fast that I can barely understand you."
The hunter stopped then, taking a deep breath and willing himself to speak slower. When he started again, his voice was way deeper.
"Cas said he loved us. And I already knew that, he didn't need to say it out loud, but he did. And now, for whatever reason I don't figure out, I can't get his words out of my mind."
It was Sam's turn to sigh deeply, carefully considering what to answer. This was a delicate matter, everything that involved Dean's damaged feelings was. His brother had been heartbroken way too many times, and by no means was Sam going to allow this to become another one. But he couldn't either push him in a direction Dean wasn't sure he wanted to follow.
"Dean," he spoke softly. "I'm just a human, so I might very well be wrong, but if you ask me... I believe that if Cas deemed necessary to say the same thing twice, it's because he meant two different things. Dying or not."
He waited expectantly for his brother's reaction, but it didn't come. Dean merely looked at him, and then his eyes started wandering around the room, not focusing on anything. It was quite evident that he was mulling over Sam's opinion, unsure what to make of it. After a couple of minutes, Dean seemed to reach some kind of conclusion.
"Ok, let's just hypothetically imagine for a moment that when Cas said 'I love you', he was referring to me," he tried, and Sam nodded. "Right. So, hypothetically speaking, if he really loves me, what does that actually mean?"
"What?" Sam was confused. "What could it mean, besides the obvious?"
"Oh no, no, don't sell me the 'obvious' card here, because it's anything but that. Look, Cas is an angel. Yeah, he has gone through humanity a couple of times, but still an angel to the core. And he has this... this type of universal loving where he 'loves all of Father's creations' and all that jazz. And I'm quoting him here, Sammy, so I don't know. Does he love me as another creation? Like he could love a rainbow, or the Grand Canyon, or his bees? Maybe he loves me the same as a hamburger, or... does he really love me? I mean, just the one-and-only me?"
Sam refrained from pointing out to Dean that he was blabbering again, and concentrated on his doubts and insecurities. They were valid and real, and he was somewhat impressed that his brother had actually given the situation so much thought. Sadly, he didn't have an answer for his last question.
"Dean, I know as well as you do how big Cas' heart is, but you don't see him declaring his love around to every single being. I'd say this proves that you rank higher in his affections than any other creation. However, about the way Cas loves you... I'm afraid you'll have to ask him yourself."
"... Fuck, I was hoping you wouldn't say that."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Castiel returned to the bunker that night. It was barely past midnight, but he supposed everyone was already sleeping, so he tried to be as silent as possible walking to his room. Those hollow hallways produced too much echo.
He was really looking forward to lay down on his bed and relax for a while, maybe watch some TV or listen again to that music contraption that Dean recorded for him. Because as an angel he didn't sleep, but he still needed some rest from time to time, and he hadn't had any decent one in a while. Chasing down Kelly Kline had proven to be extremely difficult, even more so now that apparently she had been taken into custody by a demon powerful enough to destroy angels all on her own. The whole situation was an incredible big mess.
"Hey buddy, I see you're back," Dean unexpectedly greeted him in the library, wearing a deadman's robe as he called it. "Any good news about Kelly?"
"Hello, Dean. I bring news, yes, but I do not think they fill in the good category. However, since your definition of good is sometimes sarcastic, that might actually be the case."
"Ok, whatever you say. Bad news are still better than no news at all, in my opinion."
"Why are you still up, Dean? It is already quite late."
"Midnight snack. Looking if there's any pie left."
As Dean made his way to the kitchen, Castiel automatically followed him. Being in the hunter's presence always helped to put him at ease, at least a little. It didn't seem to work in the same way for the human, though, as he started to fidget against the counter under the angel's stare, barely paying any attention to the slice of cherry pie he intended to stuff his mouth with.
"So... how are you, Cas?" Dean finally asked.
"I am mostly unharmed, thank you, as I see you are too."
"Oh. Yeah, that's nice to hear for a change, man."
"Dean, is anything the matter?" the angel frowned. "You seem to be uncomfortable. Is there anything bothering you?"
"No, not at all. It's just... some big things happened while you were on the chase." Dean tried his best to make the conversation go on, talking about the cases he and Sam had worked on, and very specifically explaining Claire's. "But I tell you, we got her cured and back on her feet asap. She's becoming quite the huntress, I'm sure Jody is proud of her no matter how many times they get mad at each other. It actually reminds me of Bobby and us."
"I am glad to know Claire is safe and sound, despite the dangerous path she has chosen for her life. I deeply thank you for taking care of her in my stead, Dean."
"Nah, it was no problem." Dean paused then, not having anything else to discuss with his best friend except that. "Also, if you don't mind... I'd like to talk about what happened in the barn."
A tense silence flooded the kitchen instantly. Castiel squared his shoulders, like preparing for a foul outcome, but nevertheless his eyes never leaving Dean's.
"I did not believe that you would ever want to explore this matter further. As you recall, I was about to die."
"Yeah, I know, but you see, that's precisely why I want to talk it over." Dean put down the plate with his half-eaten pie. "The things you said back then, just to make it clear, were... were they true, Cas?"
"I do not find any satisfaction in lying to my most beloved people, despite what someone might think. Are you doubting the honesty of my words, Dean?"
"No, Cas, dammit! Are you being dense on purpose or what?" grumbled the hunter in frustration. Beating around the bush was being of no help, so a direct approach was in order. "What I'm asking here is if you really l-love me!"
What happened after, it was certainly not a reaction that the hunter could have anticipated. He had expected utter acceptance, or perhaps denial due to the extreme circumstances in the barn, or confusion about tangled human emotions, or... whatever, but not this. Not the sheer sadness and quite a bit of shame reflected in the angel's eyes.
"Dean, I... I must apologize," Castiel finally spoke in a hoarse voice. "It was never my intention to weigh you down with the burden of my feelings. It is not something I ever intended to confess, truth be told, but I thought... At that moment, when I was painfully rotting away, I did not want to die again without making my feelings known. All of them. And more than anything, I wanted to let you know that you were loved, Dean. I am so sorry."
"Wait, wait a moment... Are you really apologizing for making it out alive? Are you fucking kidding me, Cas?!" Dean was furious, he couldn't believe the nonsense the seraph was saying. "How many times have I seen you die already? Do you think that's something I want to repeat, feelings or not feelings involved? And why the hell would you apologize at all for loving someone?"
"You are not just 'someone', Dean. You are the Righteous Man, and that is of import."
All air was knocked out hard from Dean's lungs. Man, was that a low blow.
"The Righteous Man," Dean sneered. "Of course, there's that. I was appointed as a holy condom for another angel, so that means what, it's a sin to be loved by any other angel? Even if said angel is certainly much more of my preference?"
"No, Dean, you are misunderstanding me! I can see it so clearly woven in your soul, your generosity and altruism... As the Righteous Man you are more sensitive to angels than the average human, and I was afraid that if I ever made my feelings known to you, you would force yourself into accepting me. Because this is what you usually do, Dean. You always try to give people what they need and want the most. And while I do love you, I am still afraid."
Dean breathed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to put his ideas in order.
"Cas," he spoke slowly, making sure the angel listened. "What you say may be true, but that's because it's my job. It's also my life, and no matter the ton of crap I have to put up with on a regular basis, I still like a lot what I do. What we do. Damn, I like it so much that I even got my little brother chained to it as well, disregarding his wishes to get away. But my personal feelings, my very own heart, is a completely different matter. There's no way you could force me into anything."
They stood there for a minute, both quiet, merely staring into each other's eyes as it was their habit. Dean always thought it a bit strange how easily it was for them to get locked on each other's stares (not that he complained).
"Am I really... your angel of preference?" Castiel asked shyly. "Not long ago, Jessica told me that you defended me, saying that despite my mistakes, my heart always was in the right place."
"Really, Cas, do you even need to ask? To me you're the best angel in the whole Heaven," Dean laughed a little. "Although, sorry to break it to you, but those words aren't exactly mine. Not that I don't believe them, because sure I do, but... they were from one of your feathered fellows, Alfie."
"Who?... Oh, you mean Samandriel. The one I regrettably killed on Naomi's orders."
"Yeah, that one. He thought that your softie heart was your biggest problem." Dean tried to cheer up his friend. "So you see, not everyone upstairs wanted your head. You made enough of a difference that several other angels, however few they may be, understood your mistakes and believed in you. They respected you, Cas, because you're a good angel."
Castiel felt his heart swell with a bunch of sudden emotions from his charge's words. If there was anyone's opinion that still mattered the world to him, that was Dean's. Of course there was still Sam, and now Jessica too, and Claire... but all of them paled in comparison to the Righteous Man. Dean Winchester, the human he had formed a profound bond with, the hunter he defied Heaven for, the man he fell in love with... and the one that was currently invading his so-called personal space by holding his hand.
"Dean?" he said shakily. "What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna kiss you, Cas. So be still."
"What? No, Dean..." He tried to get away, but the firm grip on his hand didn't make it easy. "This is precisely what I was talking about! You do not want to kiss me, you are going to only because I want it."
"Shut up, Cas. That's not true."
"It is!"
"No," and this time Dean said it with enough conviction that the angel couldn't deny it anymore. "Listen, this is... new to me, ok? And I don't know how's gonna be from now on. Maybe we get a kiss and that's all, folks! Or maybe not. But don't keep believing that I feel nothing for you, Cas, because I do. What exactly, I'm not sure yet, but it's not the same I feel for Sammy, nor the same I felt for Bobby or Jo or... anyone. You're special to me, and that's why I want to kiss you. So can I, please?"
The angel couldn't get any word out of his throat after Dean's declaration, so he simply nodded. Dean licked his lips instinctively, and reached his other hand to cup Castiel's face. He felt the stubble under his fingertips, it was an unknown and strange sensation, but not in a bad way; it was merely new and different. He got closer, until he could felt the hem of the trenchcoat brushing his own knees. Their lips were now only a sigh away, and the seraph's nervousness was pouring from his bright eyes before closing them. Dean allowed himself a little smile, and then gently descended his mouth upon Castiel's.
It was nice, to say the least; very nice, actually. It wasn't all that different from kissing a woman, he guessed; lips were still lips and they worked the same way for everyone. It was the feelings of the people involved in the kiss what made it unique and valuable, and they both had a ton worth of bottled-up feelings for each other. Dean tried his best to keep it chaste, though, he didn't want to scare his best friend nor worry him any more than apparently he already was. Just a massage of lips, nothing adventurous.
All too soon, the kiss ended and they stared at each other again.
"So, how was it?"
"I do not think you need confirmation about your skill in this, Dean. But I... I enjoyed it very much."
"Well, that's always good to hear. In the morning I'll have something to brag about to Sam."
"Are you going to use our kiss as a mean to annoy your brother?" Castiel frowned, not happy with the thought.
"No, of course not, Cas. That's private," Dean half-laughed. "What I'm going to rub on his face is my ability to make an angel of the Lord blush like a teenage girl."
Thanks for reading and reviewing!
