This chapter turned out a bit melodramatic... sorry for that.
Chapter 7
Morning came slowly to the inhabitants of the bunker, the fact pretty much being an understatement since there were no windows to welcome the sunrise, except the ones high in the war room. And it wasn't like those were that good either.
Constant artificial light could really mess up with your notion of time, specially after a sleepless night, something that Jessica verified when she stepped through the kitchen doorframe, thinking it early in the morning and instead finding two people already there, already elbow-deep in work. Or something that could more or less be considered work, since actually the hunter and huntress in front of her eyes were laughing childishly and smudging each other with flour.
Reacting hastily, Jessica hid behind the doorframe before they could spot her, and quietly peeked over again. Both of them had their sleeves rolled up and hair tied, several cooking ingredients on the table; judging by the two goops of dough in the table, they were baking. One was cherry red, and the other vanilla beige. At one moment, Sam stole a pinch from Eileen's dough on his fingertip and tasted it, incurring in the fake wrath of the huntress, who scooped a handful of leaven and aimed it at his head; Sam, however, got fast on his feet and ran around the table, trying to avoid the attack.
Jessica couldn't keep looking, not with the pressure in her chest about to explode in sobs. Baking. She used to bake with Sam, back in the day at their apartment. She was the one who taught Sam how to bake in the first place; and they used to make it a game and play around too. It was their thing, something silly and intimate to do together. She remembered how they sometimes would make cookies with strange shapes and tried to guess each other's.
"I wonder how long it will take us to clean up this mess," she heard Sam say, laugh in his voice.
"We could leave it to Dean. He looks like he would make a good househusband," the woman suggested.
Barely containing the tears, Jessica left, walking slowly in the echoing hallway not to disturb the baking couple. She got back to her room, closed the door and slipped down to the floor, holding her head on her knees. Then the tears ran freely.
She should be happy for Sam, she really should. He had told her that throughout the years since her death, he hadn't forgotten her, and that was a lot of love and devotion. Jessica was happy and touched to know she was that much loved, but... the sadness in Sam's eyes was real as much. His fixation on her had caused him pain, but with Eileen... he smiled to her. He was laughing with her just now.
It wasn't fair, not for him and not for herself, to be resurrected for this. She still loved Sam, loved him so much. Time hadn't passed for her after all, and her feelings remained unchanged. However Sam... he still loved her, of that she was sure, but all signs pointed out that he also had something beautiful going on with the huntress. With Eileen. And being honest, it probably was about time. Jessica didn't want to become a bitter presence in his life that prevented him from finding happiness.
After a while, that Jessica took to weep out all the tension and calm down, she got back on her feet. She wasn't even hungry anymore, and had no intention to go back to the kitchen until being sure there was nobody there. Sleep had evaded her all night long, and she wasn't in the mood to keep reading and studying. So what to do? Music it was, then.
Jessica cleaned up her tear-streaked face on the sink in her bedroom, just in case she met someone in the hallway, and got out. She made her way to Sam's room, knowing he was still baking in the kitchen. He had told her she was always welcome to come in, regardless of whether he was in or out the bunker; she didn't need to ask for permission.
When she was in, Jessica looked around, searching for his iPod. Admittedly, Sam had several good podcast that she liked to listen to, mostly documentary. But the device wasn't in sight. Sighing, she started looking around. She didn't really want, it was one thing to have permission to enter Sam's room and another totally different matter to rummage through his belongings. She checked the desk, the shelves and even under the bed (don't ask why she knew to look there), but the iPod was nowhere to be seen. Finally, she decided to open the drawers of the bedside table.
There were a few things inside, iPod included, but... once open, Jessica couldn't contain her curiosity. What secrets could Sam Winchester, the hunter she never knew, hide in his nightstand? Beside the device, there were a couple of cell phones and some credit cards, none of them with his real name. A gun, that she didn't want to touch and skimmed around. A vintage porn magazine that made her smile a little, because well, boys will be boys; it showed a cute, blonde pin-up girl in the cover. And at the very back of the drawer, there was a small, black velvet box.
It was a very recognizable style box, and Jessica felt her breath stuck in her lungs as she picked it up. God, this was so wrong, she was invading Sam's privacy and had no right to do so. She knew that, and yet... yet she had to know. She needed to know if her fears were real, or mere misunderstandings and situational circumstances. With a deep breath, Jessica opened the delicate box and looked inside.
There, sitting daintily on white satin, was a ring with a tiny red gem. An engagement ring.
Closing the box, putting it back and closing the drawer, she started to cry again.
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Dean was furious.
What a shitty day. Not that he hadn't had a ton of those in his life, but sometimes he really understood when people said they shouldn't have got out of bed today.
They had her. They fucking had her, the mother of Lucifer's child, but had lost her again to Dagon. Not that Kelly had resisted that much, actually, but Dean wasn't going to blame the poor woman for her surging maternal instincts. Who knew what crap that Prince(ss) of Hell had brainwashed her with, but considering that everyone on the 'good' side was trying to kill her and the baby, it wasn't that much of a surprise if Kelly trusted the demon bitch more than them.
And now they were MIA again, both Kelly and Dagon.
That wasn't even the worst part. Eileen, their poor friend... the huntress had killed a civilian on accident. Just an innocent, random guy that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He took a lost bullet in the chest when Eileen shot the Colt at Dagon but the demoness disappeared right then and there; barely a few seconds later, the guy dropped dead on the ground and Eileen was devastated, trembling hands holding the gun. Once back at the bunker, she had cried long and hard in shame and guilt in Sam's arms, who kept silent, knowing there was nothing he could said to her that she didn't already know. Accidents happened sometimes, and that was the reality.
And Cas... dammit, Cas still wasn't responding.
Dean had tried to calm down, but it was proving to be difficult. Not only out of worry for the angel's well-being, but also because he was beginning to freak out a bit. He was starting to fear that he had fucked up again, because, you know... he had kissed him twice. The seraph certainly consented, but didn't mention the fact later. Was he ashamed of it? Was he disgusted? Was he... was he merely going with the flow, because he thought that was what Dean wanted? Did Cas want to be kissed at all, or was he once again simply indulging Dean's silly whims?
Dean fell on the bed, tired, staring at the ceiling. He breathed deeply, willing himself to relax both in mind and body. Why wasn't Cas responding to him? Not a text, not a voicemail, anything? It had been days, dammit. The hunter had disappeared on enough one-night stands the day after to recognize the behaviour, but his angel wouldn't do that, right? Not to him?
He took the phone on hand and looked again. Still nothing. Furious, he threw it on the desk and rolled on his side, intending to sleep.
Okay then, to hell with it. Dean Winchester could take a fucking hint.
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Eileen walked down the hallway, crestfallen and with her duffel on hand. She had cried her eyes out by now, but at least was feeling a bit better. Relief came with a great deal of sadness, but she felt a lot calmer now.
Stopping in front of a door, she knocked gently.
"Come in," was the answer from inside.
"Jessica? I'm here to say goodbye," started the huntress, hoping that a permission she couldn't hear had been given, but the moment she entered the bedroom, her words died in her mouth.
The blonde woman was packing up an old suitcase (that probably had belonged to a Man of Letters) that she had found somewhere in the bedroom.
"You... you what?" she asked, confused.
"What are you doing?" Eileen asked. "Are you going anywhere?"
"I am. I... I don't feel like this is my place after all."
"But... why? I understand that the bunker is not precisely the White House, but..."
"It's not that," Jessica retorted, looking away.
The huntress put her duffel bag on the floor and came closer to the other woman, finally noticing the tension in her shoulders and the slightly red eyes.
"Hey, I know we've barely known each other for a week, but if there's anything you want to talk about, I'll listen. I won't tell a soul either."
"Eileen, you... you're really a good person," Jessica sobbed a little. "I sincerely wish you and Sam all the happiness, but for that, I need to get out of the picture. And also, I'm very sorry, please believe that. I'm not the kind of woman that would try to steal another's man, I simply didn't know about you two."
Eileen kept silent for a moment, her brain trying to process what her new acquaintance had said, and searching for a meaning that simply couldn't be the obvious one, because that was impossible. Anyone that would be in the same room with Sam and Jess would notice that those two only had eyes for each other.
"Hum... I'm not sure if I got that right, but... are you implying anything about Sam and me?"
"Well, yes? I'm really, really sorry," Jessica repeated, contrite. "I don't want to be the cause of any misunderstandings, so I assure you we only kissed and hugged a little, nothing else. We never got to..."
"YES, ok, ok! Don't explain, I don't need to know that," Eileen raised her hands in a stopping motion. "Look, there's no misunderstanding between me and Sam, but it's evident there is one between you two."
The blonde frowned for a second, but of course, Eileen didn't know about the engagement ring that she had found in Sam's drawer. It probably was intended to be a surprise.
"You don't have to spare my feelings, Eileen. You're a good woman, and you also understand this kind of life, while I don't."
"Jessica, stop for a moment and listen to me, please," Eileen asked, holding caringly her trembling hands. "I don't know what you saw or think you saw, but it's not like that at all. I won't deny that I like Sam and he likes me, but our feelings are totally platonic, not on the romantic side. There's nothing going on between us, you hear me? We're just... kindred spirits, if you want. We both lost our parents to supernatural beings and were raised in the hunting life, chasing after the monsters that caused our grief. And we're legacy from the Men of Letters, but that's all."
"But... but this morning during the baking, you were... And a couple of hours ago, I saw you two embracing. I'm not making this up."
"Oh, for heaven's sake," the huntress thought, sighing. "We were baking for you and Dean. I wanted to reciprocate the courtesy you had with me with those cookies, and thus prepared an Irish recipe of sponge cake for the next breakfast. But Sam knew that Dean would be whining about it, so he joined me to make a cherry pie for him too. And about the hug, actually..."
And then, Eileen proceeded to tell Jessica everything that had happen that day, how Kelly Kline had escaped again, and the civilian she had killed with a lost bullet. She told her how she had broken down in Sam's arms, seeking comfort.
"Oh, Eileen!" Jessica whispered, taking the huntress in a hug. She was about to cry again, though this time for another's sorrow instead of her own. "That's... that's so sad, but it was an accident, it wasn't your fault. I'm so sorry, I didn't know..."
"It's something I'll have to learn to live with," she sobbed, hugging back for a moment. "But it has nothing to do with your and Sam's relationship. Don't doubt that he loves you very much, Jessica. Only you and nobody else, so... don't go anywhere, please."
And she nodded slightly to the half-made suitcase. Jessica followed her gaze, and allowed a little smile to show up on her face.
"I guess I could stay for a little while more," she joked. "And you?"
"I... no, I have to go. I need some time for myself, off hunting. At least until I feel confident enough to be back on business."
"I see," Jessica understood. "I'm happy to have met you, Eileen. Not only because you're the first person besides this 'Team Free Will' that I've met since getting resurrected, but because you're really nice. I'd be glad to call you my friend and keep in contact, if you want?"
"It would be my pleasure too... Jess," Eileen accepted her friendship with a grin. "Well, I'll be going now. Sam offered to drive me to the airport, and I already left him waiting a good while in the garage. See you soon, Jess, but please do me a favour."
"Sure, anything."
"Talk this out with Sam. If you have doubts or something, don't let them pile up, no matter how busy he might seem to be. If you really intend to be part of his life, you need to make an effort and claim a little space for yourself. Don't allow hunting to take up all of his time, even if you have to fight for it."
"I will, promise. Thanks again, Eileen. I hope to see you again soon."
"I'll try," she assured, hugging in farewell again. "Bye, Jess."
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Sam breathed deeply, trying to calm down his nerves before knocking on the door. He didn't know what to expect, but Eileen had been insistent during the car ride that he needed to sort things out with Jess. And here he was now, not even knowing what it was that needed to be sorted out in the first place.
"Come in," Jessica said for the second time that night.
"Precious, it's me," Sam said gently, closing the door after him. "Can we talk?"
She was lying on her stomach on the bed, a book on the pillow, already dressed for sleeping.
"Of course, puppy. Actually, I was going to ask you the same," she murmured, closing the book and moving to a sitting position.
Sam grabbed the chair by the desk and put it closer to the bed, sitting down in front of his beloved.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I... (sigh). Today I saw you and Eileen embracing. And this, added to several other things that I witnessed these past days, made me believe that you were in a relationship."
"You... the what?" Sam almost choked, flabbergasted.
"But Eileen denied it and explained to me what had happened today. I felt so sorry for her."
"Yeah, me too. She didn't deserve that," Sam agreed, looking down.
There was silence for a minute, both of them trying to get their thoughts out.
"Sam, you know that I love you, right?" finally Jessica dared to speak again.
"Yes, of course I know. And I love you too."
Jessica stared at him, unconvinced, and after a few seconds averted her gaze.
"About that... I'm not that sure, Sam."
"What?" He was surprised to hear that, certainly. "Of course I love you, precious. I love you more than anything."
"Please, don't say that!" Jessica exclaimed, holding her head in her hands, frustrated. "Not yet, at least. Sam, from the moment I died and reappeared in front of you in this bunker, barely a few minutes passed for me. My feelings remained unchanged because there simply wasn't time for them to change. However for you... I know you loved me back then, and I believe you're still fond of me nowadays, but I'm not sure if it's the same. Are you still in love with me, the real me, or are your feelings just clinging to the memory of me?"
Sam was frozen on the chair, stunned, hands pressed together so tight that his knuckles were going white, his jaw tense and his eyes prickling. He swallowed hard, trying to relax the lump in his throat. He needed to think carefully about his next words, because a feeling in his gut was telling him this could either go very well or very bad.
"Jessica Lee Moore," he spoke slowly, trying to keep his voice steady. "From the very moment we said 'Hello', I've been in love with you. I loved you when we fell together in that swimming pool where we kissed for the first time; I loved you when you laughed at the ridiculous underwear I was wearing the first time we made love, because the moment arose unexpectedly; I loved you when you gave up on the bigger flat because you knew I preferred the one with the patch of grass; I loved you when you insisted we moved around in bus instead of getting a car, because we needed a new washing machine."
Jessica was looking intently at him, waiting to see where this was going.
"And I... when I was having nightmares about your death, I loved you. When I was getting desperate, thinking that my brother was going to Hell for me, I loved you. When I was getting high on demon blood, I loved you. When I lost my soul and couldn't really feel anything, I'm sure I still loved you. When I killed Brady, I was loving you. While trying to close Hell's gates? Yeah, still so much in love with you. And definitely, when months ago you appeared in front of me, I loved you the same that I'm loving you in this very moment."
"But I... I found an engagement ring in your room. Accidentally, I promise I wasn't snooping around. Surely there must have been someone that you intended to give it to."
Sam laughed lightly, part of the tension leaving him.
"Yes, of course there was someone," he smiled genuinely at her. "It was for you, Jess. I bought it a couple of weeks before... you know. I was going to propose and ask you to marry me when we graduated, but that chance was stolen from me. And even after this long, I never wanted to get rid of it, because it was a symbol of my love for you. Then and now. Always and forever, precious."
Jessica was mute, not daring to speak. A couple of tears rolled down her cheeks. For God's sake, at this rate she was going to go blind, how many times had she cried today?
Okay, it was more than enough. Jessica didn't want to talk anymore, so she wouldn't. Instead, she moved from the bed and took Sam's hands on hers, pulling him to her; the man complied, heart beating fast. She tiptoed and slid a hand to his nape, calling his mouth down to hers. A gentle kiss rapidly evolved into a searing one, hands running wild trying to get clothes out of the way. Jessica pulled backwards, letting gravity do its work and falling on the bed, Sam carefully following her.
No more tears were shed that night.
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