Chapter 1

The air was stifling on that hot summer evening. The city bustled around me. I felt like I was hearing everything and nothing at the same time. How had I lost myself so completely? It was only a few short months before that I had known exactly who I was. Now I was set adrift in a sea with no real direction. Those closest to me had gone onto other missions or purposes. It was not as if they had forgotten me, but I felt like a bother when I would pay a visit.

My darling adopted brother and sister, Alphinaud and Alisaie, were busy helping the people of Garlemald after the averted Final Days destroyed their home. G'raha Tia and Krile had resumed their work with the Students of Baldesion, so he had been entirely too busy to take a proper tour of Ishgard with me. I knew we would eventually get around to it. Y'shtola was writing the tales of our adventures along with trying to find a way back to the First. She said it was to fulfill promises but I secretly suspected it was to return to Runar. Tataru was building an empire. She occasionally sent for me to pick up a new outfit she had fashioned for me like the dear she was. Thancred and Urianger were traveling, stating they were looking to help others. My heart hoped they were resting. They deserved it more than most of us. I had no idea where Estinien was but that question would be answered sooner than I expected.

Sweet Tataru had suggested I take some respite away from Eorzea after sensing the growing dark cloud over my head. She made arrangements for an extended stay in Radz-at-Han. She thought the heat, the vibrant colors, and the change of scenery might pull me out of the darkness that was grasping at me. Gods I had hoped she was right. So far it was only serving to give me more time to think on the pain I had pushed away for years. In the silence of the nights it seemed as if every loss was a blaring siren in my head. It was admittedly lonely. I wasn't used to not being surrounded by my closest friends. Not being needed for the first time in years was scary because I was without a proper distraction.

After a wonderful visit with Matsya and the beautiful baby we had rescued together, I found myself a few drinks in at Mehryde's Meyhane staring out into the night sky. My thoughts were running faster than a herd of wild chocobos. Even though months had passed my body still ached from time to time after my battle with Meteion and then Zenos - the latter almost costing me my life.

The loud scrape of a chair pulled me out of my drunken daze. I snapped my head to the person who sat at my table without permission. The elusive Azure Dragoon himself sat before me with his usual apathetic stare. Instead of greeting him I stared back. I knew this would annoy him which did bring me a small bit of pride. We sat there like that for several moments before he cracked.

"Are you not going to greet an old friend?" he growled clearly annoyed.

It was all I could do to contain my smirk as I responded, "You sat at my table unannounced."

"Have you lost all manners in our time apart?" he asked clearly becoming less amused as time went on.

"Since when does Estinien Varlineau concern himself with manners?" I quipped.

A few more moments of silence passed as he mulled over what I had just pointed out. I jumped as he barked out a gruff laugh. I swear every noise that came out of his mouth sounded borderline threatening. Seeing my reaction made him laugh harder. It was scaring me. He did not laugh.

"Are you dying?" I asked genuinely concerned.

"What?" he barked. "Why would you ask that? I simply found you very amusing because that was very truthful." I rolled my eyes at him and reached for the refreshed drink the waitress handed me. "Why did you not send word you would be visiting?"

"I was unaware you were here. I have a feeling a certain, nosy receptionist-turned-entrepreneur most certainly knew when sending me here." She would certainly get an earful from me when I returned. Estinien was dear to me, but I was in no place to deal with his brooding along with my own.

He reached across the table, snagged my drink, and took a sip. "This is rather strong. What vexes you, great champion?"

"What would give you the impression that something vexes me?" I asked more harshly than intended. Luckily my present company didn't seem to notice or care.

"The empty cups around you, the angry expression, the stillness of your entire form. I know that well. Best to get a hold of it ere it consumes the soul."

In reality, he wasn't wrong. The sorrow was threatening to suck me under like a riptide. I was unsure how to shake it. Simply pushing it from my mind was no longer an option. It was beginning to consume the persistent, optimistic woman I had once been.

"I suppose you would know that better than most." I took another sip of my drink and cast my gaze out to the stars again. "No one needs me. I was once fine alone, but too much has happened. So much has been lost."

"Everyone has losses," he said darkly. He knew. His family was taken my dragons. Mine was lost to me because of war.

"Why did Hydaelyn choose me? I've lost so much. The ones I care for most have lost so much simply because they know me. I never asked for this."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"Excuse me?"

He slapped his hand down on the table. "I said stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"You are one to talk! You spent most of your life hell bent on revenge! You've no place to tell me how to feel!" I snapped while trying to keep my voice down.

"And look what good that did me. I wasted years of my life for naught." His cold eyes regarded me pensively.

"I appreciate your advice, but we are not the same. I once had hope, love even, and had it ripped away because there was a price on my head," I whispered. Tears began to fall on the table below me. "He haunts my thoughts, my dreams. Every hardship we have endured brings me back to that moment. I dare not even step foot in Ishgard if it can be helped."

"I didn't realize…" he started, but I abruptly cut him off.

"No one did. We told no one. Within days of the realization he was gone." My eyes were trained on the swirls of the wooden table. "To add insult to injury the only other man I'm sure loved me in some sick, twisted way stalked me all over the star and beyond. I know I ended him in Ultima Thule, but I will never stop looking over my shoulder, waiting for his blade to again pierce my flesh."

He just stared at me clearly unsure of what to say. This man was never one for words. I appreciated that most times, but this moment was one where I wish he would say a single word. My wish was never granted. He folded his arms across his chest and lost himself in thought. The emotional outburst had been very unfair to him.

"I must bid thee goodnight, my dear friend. I've partaken in far too many spirits which has rendered me to have poor judgement and choice of words. I shall seek you out tomorrow." I stood abruptly. He took me in as I waited for any sort of response. It may have been the first time he had witnessed me in anything other than armor or gear suited for adventure.

When it seemed as if he would never say a word I took my leave. I hastily jogged toward my quarters. It must have been my wild imagination, but I almost thought I heard him calling after me. The door shut loudly behind me. All of the alcohol was making my head swim. I yanked my sandals off angrily and tossed them across the room. Why was I so angry?

Without warning, my door swung open. Estinien shut it behind him. He made it to me in two quick strides. He towered over me with an angry expression that matched the way I was feeling.

"Have you not heard of knocking? How did you know where my chambers were? Are you stalking me like Zenos?" I yelled at him. I tried to shove him, but he caught my small arms and held me in place. "Let me go!"

"You were not difficult to find, Isolde. I merely followed the noise. And no, I will not let go until you calm down." His resolve was infuriating.

"If I were able to reach my lance then I would jab your eyes out!" I attempted to twist from his grasp. He pulled me in to hold me against him. Was he hugging me? "Let me go! Let me go! Leave me be. I only bring grief." As I begged I felt the hot embarrassment of tears prickling the corners of my eyes.

He swooped me up into his arms, plopped down on my bed, and cradled me to his chest. This was the most affection I had received in longer than I could recall. My body sagged against him and I allowed the tears to fall. As the dam broke the tidal wave of angst, sadness, and anger swept over me. The more tears fell, the more manageable it began to feel. After several minutes I finally stopped sobbing.

"Now then. Enough of that. My shirt can retain no more moisture," he whispered. His whisper was even gruff.

A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I still clutched him tightly. His grip on me did not loosen. I gazed up at his sharp features. His eyes which usually looked like they were ready to cut someone down were softer than I had ever seen. I reached up to cup his cheek. His eyes grew wide which caused me to quietly laugh.

"You are a good man, Estinien," I told him.

A smirk appeared upon his lips. "Why? Because I calmed a woman who could easy destroy a city in a fit of rage should she so wish?"

"You speak of me as if I am some primal or deity," I feigned a dramatic gasp.

"Are you not?" he teased. I nuzzled further into his chest. "Do not tell anyone of this. I would rather suffer another possession by an evil wyrm than to hear Alphinaud ask me for a friendly embrace."

This earned him a loud, surprised laugh from me. Before long he joined in. We both laughed until we could produce no more sound. As we calmed I became aware of the fact that I was still perched upon his lap. I quickly jumped up like he was on fire which sent him into another small fit.

"I've never heard you laugh," I remarked "I like it. I especially like that I might be the only one to hear you laugh like this."

"If you tell a soul not only will I deny it, but I will show you the end of my lance," he threatened. One corner of his mouth was upturned as he said it so I knew he only partially meant it. I threw my hands up in surrender. "You seem to be feeling better."

"I suppose I needed a cry… and a hug. Who would have ever thought I would receive comfort from you?" I sat next to him on the edge of my bed. "Am I ever going to be okay?"

"Vrtra has summoned me to do some hunting in the jungle. He believes more of the blasphemies are out there. Care to join me?" He was trying to change the subject back to a place more comfortable for his emotions.

"A chance to feel at home again? I shall polish my armor and meet you in the morning!" Excitement flowed through me.

"Until the morrow, my friend." He stood but reached down and tilted my chin up to make sure I met his eyes. "My quarters are just down the hall should you need me. We are the only two staying in this area. I am ever at your service as always."

My stomach ached at his tenderness. This man that helped trained me in the way of the lance was now offering to be my confidant. I would cherish this moment as I knew one day we would part and go back to being associates again. I stood and wrapped my arms around him one last time. He tensed but eventually relaxed. His arms wrapped around me in response.

"Thank you forever and always. I will forever be grateful for this evening with you," I told him.

"Well then. Um…" He pulled away from me quickly. "I shall call upon you in the morning. Sleep well, Isolde."