a/n: Hello ODAAT fandom! Here is yet another sad one-shot focused on Elena. I keep putting that poor girl through it. This one is slightly based on a personal experience that happened about a month ago that I finally feel ready to write about it. Trigger warning for graphic description of self harm and an anxiety attack. Please be careful while reading.

"Elena? Baby? Are you ok?" Elena heard her mom's voice, it was distant. Even in her disoriented state she recognized the uneasiness in her tone. The sound of her falling over due to shock of the amount of blood she caused must of caught the attention of her mom.

Elena's lightheadedness prevented her from answering. Her heart was beating uncontrollably and she could barely hear the knocking on the door.

"Elena, unlock this door right now!" She felt bad that the whole commotion worried her mom and she couldn't answer.

She looked down at her thigh and the endless stream on blood running down her leg. She saw a bit of white peaking from the bright red blood. She was sitting with her back against the wall, the blade on the ground. Seeing the blood made her dizzy. She didn't mean to cut this deep, she had a bad day and it just kind of happened. But this cut felt different, she frantically grabbed toilet paper and pressed it to her upper thigh. Only to have it soak in blood seconds later. The door was locked so no one would walk in, but now all she wanted was someone to help her. For a terrifying couple minutes as the blood spilled she wondered what if I die? What if this is it? And as much as there was sometimes she wanted to die, this was certainly not the way she wanted to go. Her heart ached for her brother who she'd never see graduate. Her mom who would have to bury her child. Her grandmother, who she didn't know if she could handle another earth shattering loss. Her Syd-nificant other, who loved her so deeply in a way she felt like she didn't deserve. There was so much she didn't get a chance to do. All these overwhelming thoughts ran around her brain, causing the severity of her lightheadedness to heighten. Her mom's frantic pleas were blocked out by her heart racing out of her chest. Her ears began to ring and she closed her eyes.

Schneider's voice was fading but present. "Elena, I'm going to unlock this door, ok?" The rational part of her brain wanted to protest. She was in nothing but a big t-shirt and underwear. Her pants discarded in the corner so she had access to her upper thighs to cut. She didn't want him seeing her like this. But she couldn't protest. She didn't even know he was at the house, but to be fair, when is he not?

She heard the sounds on the door being picked to be unlocked, her mom's gasp once she walked in, and Schneider's pleading voice "Elena! Elena can you hear me?" She was just thankful her grandma and brother were not home to witness her in such a state. "Yes," she answered, " I can hear you."

Her mom grabbed a towel and pressed it to her thigh. "Baby, what happened?" Once the sight of blood was gone, she felt a bit better. Her mom knew of her self-harm, but she and the rest of the family were under the impression she stopped. Elena just never corrected the assumption. She started after her quince. When she had so much pain she didn't know what to do with it. Her mom found out a month or so after. She promised her mom she would stop or at least tell her when she wanted to cut again. And to be fair, she did for a while. But she relapsed and couldn't bare her mom's disappointment, so she just stopped telling her. She didn't depend on self-harm as much as she used too. Before, back when she was fifteen, it was nearly everyday. But as she gotten older, it lessened to every couple weeks. Then it became every couple months. Before she cut her thigh today, she was about six months clean, her longest time. She didn't even keep a blade in her backpack like she used to do. The scissors in her room was moved to the kitchen just to keep the temptation at bay. Year by year she has gotten better. She even told Syd that she used to self-harm after a particularly hard day. She talked it out with them instead of self-harming. Her brother and grandma didn't know, she liked it that way. But who knew after today? If she did die, they'd have to know how and why. If she didn't, there would be a scar she could not explain as a shaving accident. It was to long and to deep.

Schneider brings a water bottle to her and she gulps it down and does her best to give him a grateful smile. When she was younger she used to be annoyed about how much time he was at her house, but now she's grown to enjoy his company. Even more now that he's her boss. He's like her rich, spoiled, white uncle. Sometimes when he was particularly childish, she'd regard him as a way older big brother. While she found herself in a vulnerable position, she didn't feel embarrassed about it. It almost made them feel equal. She had seen him at his relapse. Though not in the same way as Alex. But she saw the after effects. So she knew he wouldn't judge her for this. Plus, better him then her little brother or grandmother.

Her mom continues to hold the towel to her thigh, stopping the blood from flowing. Now having something to drink and regaining some strength, she could look at her mom and hold her gaze. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to cut this deep."

"I thought you stopped," Penelope said, as she lifted the towel to check on the cut. Elena immediately looked away. She found it ironic she couldn't stand the sight of blood but her preferred method of self-harm was cutting. Small amounts is fine. But seeing it continuously run down caused her to get lightheaded. She even got lightheaded when getting blood work done.

Elena said something that made her feel almost as scared as this relapse did. "I don't think I ever did," Admitting that was something she thought about for months, but could never get herself to say. Even if she didn't cut, she found other ways to hurt herself. Whether it was pressing her nails into her palms during an anxiety attack. Or scratching her arms until they were red. She always depended on putting herself through pain in order to get through something, she honestly didn't know how to not to that. How could anyone not? It was something she truly didn't understand. It was her most used coping skill. While it wasn't as often as before, she still used it. She didn't know what to do with all the feelings and the pain. The sting and ache was a good distraction, gave her mind something else to focus on instead of whatever was going on around her. She couldn't even remember what brought her to this point right now. Before this incident felt so fuzzy and distant. She couldn't imagine what it was, was worth nearly dying for. While she did have her time with suicidal thoughts this was not the plan she envisioned.

"It's not as bad as before," She added, though realizing what a lie that sounds like after the fact. She never cut this deep before. But she meant that it wasn't as bad in the amount of times she did cut. Her mom looks at her incredulously. Elena could tell she stopped herself from yelling at her.

"Schneider can you please get Elena something to eat? Clearly she's not thinking straight." With that Schneider made his way to the kitchen.

"I don't ever think straight," Elena joked with a tiny smile, feeling physically better. But not emotionally better. Her mom let out a surprised laugh.

"Clearly you're feeling better," Penelope got up and stretched her hand towards her. "Do you think you can get up?" Elena hesitantly grabbed her mom's hand and got up, the towel now tied around her thigh.

"Thankfully you don't need stitches, I just need to take care of it and bandage it. But I want to make sure you eat first. After I bandage it, you can put on pants. Abuelita and Alex should be home soon. So we won't talk about it now, but you're sleeping in my room tonight and we are talking about this." Elena just nodded. Grateful she didn't have to get into it right now.

Schneider brings a beautiful fruit platter that had the fruits designed like a rainbow. "Here you go," He puts the plate in front of Elena. There was apple slices, orange slices, banana slices, mango slices and grapes. She did love all of these, she was shocked her remembered that. "Figured you need sugar in you and your mom would kill me if I gave you a bunch of cookies, then I saw how colorful the fruits were and decided to do this rainbow arrangement," He looked off into the distance to the messy kitchen. "It kind of got away from me."

"Thank you, it's pretty." She admitted as she went for an apple slice. She crossed her legs to make sitting more comfortable, but quickly remembered her thigh, it stung. "Ouch," She muttered. She couldn't believe how much moving is going to hurt from now on. When she self-harmed it was so in the moment she never realized the consequences of her own actions. While the cut was on her upper thigh, she could wear shorts and big t-shirts and not have it be visible, she probably couldn't wear swimsuits anymore. Well she could, if she felt like explaining the soon to be scar. With summertime quickly approaching, it was going to come up. She'd also have to explain the cut to Syd. Who she also couldn't bare to hurt. While they have never seen a fresh cut, Elena saw the pain in their eyes when they saw old scars. Syd never explicitly said anything negative about the scars. It's something Elena loves about them. Syd never made her feel ashamed or embarrassed. But a part of her feared Syd would have a different reaction given this was so new. They had never seen a new cut before. Worry seized her. What if Alex saw it? Abuelita? Her heart began to race in an anxious way. She made her hands into fist and instinctively pressed her nails into her palms with no second thought.

"Elena?" She snapped out of her thoughts by her mom's voice. "What's wrong?" Her mom grabbed her hands to stop her nails and rubbed her palm with her thumb. Her mom's thumb rubbing soothing circles into the indents of her palms. "Talk to me."

Elena wanted to let out a bitter laugh. What wasn't wrong? She'd have to live with this for the rest of her life. She was struck deeply with that fear or explaining this forever. Then suddenly another horrifying thought entered her inner demon filled haunted house of a mind. What if she had died? She cut deep and saw so much blood and got so dizzy, she thought she would. What if when she fell over she hit her head on the sink counter or hit her head on the bathroom floor? What if no one was home and she bled out? All these scenarios were playing out in her head and she felt an anxiety attack start. She no longer felt Penelope's hand in hers. She no longer saw the rainbow fruit platter. Her breathing was compromised and she felt her eyes water.

"Baby, look at me, breathe." Her mom begged, the pleading tone bringing Elena back out into the world and out of her head. She looked to see her mom on one side of her and Schneider on the other. It took her a while to process that he was holding his phone with a picture of dogs with wigs on the screen. Elena copied the breathing technique her mom was doing until she felt better.

"You're okay. You're safe. You're home. We got you." Penelope said said calmly, rubbing circles on Elena's back. Elena nodded, now realizing she had a headache. She ate some grapes, in fear it was a hunger headache. Once she was done, she just closed her eyes, unable to deal with it all.

"Go lie down, baby. You had a long day. In my room, please." Elena numbly nodded and got up. "I'll be there shortly." Elena walked into her mom's room, she couldn't wait for this awful day to be over. She went to lie down, her cut stinging as she moved around to find a comfortable position. The heaviness of the day lulling her into a deep sleep. She wrapped up in the soft blanket and drifted into peaceful slumber.


The talk with her mom wasn't bad. She bandaged her the cut. She cried, her mom cried. Which seemed to be the standard when they had serious discussions. What Elena didn't expect was to cry with her talk with Schneider. Though, honestly, she didn't think she'd have a talk with Schneider. She thought it was going to be one of those things they never talk about. Like his relapse with drinking. And it wasn't like that was the first time she had an anxiety attack in front of Schneider. It had happened a couple times. It was the day after her relapse and she was lying down in her room. Schneider gave her the day off and she had no school. Her mom was working, though sent constant text messages to check up on her. Her brother out with his friends and her abuelita getting groceries for the week. She didn't know how to feel, being alone after yesterday. It did give her a lot of time to reflect though. While it was nice to be free to just feel and not have to pretend to be perky or happy for anyone's sake. It was overwhelming after the first couple hours.

A knock on the front door stopped her from the spiral. The walk to the door didn't hurt, the bandage doing it's job. She was surprised to find Schneider there with a bag, a box of donuts and two coffees balanced on the donut box in his hands. Elena quickly grabbed the coffee and brought it to small table as he put down the donut box and hung the bag on the edge of the chair.

"What are you doing here?" Elena managed to ask once they both look a seat at the table.

"Well I figured now that your mom's at work, I can give you the unhealthy sugars. Also, I know you don't eat when you're anxious, so I know you didn't eat breakfast," He opened the donut box. "And I remembered to get oat milk in your iced coffee," he said as he passed it to her. She never realized how observant he was. "Wow, thank you."

She grabbed a glazed donut and took a bite. He grabbed a strawberry frosted with sprinkles. "Plus, I didn't want you to be alone."

She sipped her iced coffee, it was really good. She was taken back by his kindness. It's not like him being nice was shocking. It was the acts of kindness he did. He was spot on with everything. She didn't eat breakfast. She did like oat milk in her iced coffee. And she did not want to be alone. They ate in a nice silence. Not awkward. Just calm.

"Elena," She looked up and him, they had both finished their donuts. She was still sipping her coffee. "I've been through some scary situations. Drugs and alcohol makes you do crazy things. But nothing scared me more then yesterday." She felt her eyes water.

"I'm sorry." She never really thought about how it effected him. Though now thinking about it, it must've been traumatizing like it was for her mom.

"I don't want you to apologize. I just want you to know that you have someone in your corner who knows what it is like be addicted to something that hurts you," He sighed. "I'm addicted to addictions. i need to be on something. It was drugs, alcohol, snow globes, women, even cycling for a little while. I don't want that for you. Yesterday when you said I don't think I ever did, it really got me thinking. You don't want to jump from one thing to another just to numb the pain. You have to fight this now, and I know how hard that is. Trust me."

She stopped drinking her iced coffee at this point, taking in everything he said. "When I saw Alex's reaction, yours, your mom and abuelita's reaction to my relapse, I knew I could never do it again. And it wasn't just that. It was the way those actions affected everything else in my life. Avery and I had our first big fight. I had to go back to AA. I had a massive hangover." He takes a sip of his coffee. "And if I may take a gander of the situation, you have an emotional hangover from yesterday." She stayed speechless, unable to think of anything to express what she was thinking. " I just wanted you to know I'm here for you always. We're family." Normally, she'd jokingly argue he isn't family. But he more than proved he is. She had never been more grateful for him.

"I-" She stopped talking, surprised by the lump in her throat. His understanding and honesty was touching. She didn't expect to cry.

"It was so scary," This fact she couldn't admit to her mom. She put her through much as it is. But she knew Schneider would understand. " There was a couple minutes were I thought I was going to die. I think it was my, for lack of gayer terms, scared straight moment." He gave her a small smile at the word play. "I know I never want to cut again. Seeing the amount of blood. Seeing your reaction and mom's. When I did it before, I always was in control. But yesterday..." She stopped as tears filled her eyes. " I don't want to feel that way ever again."

"That's a good start. It's going to be hard. But now that you know you want to stop, you're one step closer to doing it."

"Yeah," She said. "You're right." Astounded, yet again, about how much he understands.

He scoffed with a playful tone. "Don't act so surprised."

"Anyway, enough with the sad stuff. I wanted to show you something," He grabs the bag he hung at the edge of the chair and passes it to her.

She opens the bag and pulls out a crocheted bathing suit skirt wrap. "Did you make this?"

"Yeah crocheting has been my new thing. I do it all the time, everyday." Elena laughs. "And now that I'm saying that out loud I realize it's potentially an addiction."

"I know summertime is coming up and it's going to get hot. And when you have to wear a bathing suit your cut is going to show. So I wanted to make you something to wear to cover it up." Elena felt her eyes water again.

"Schneider, " She was speechless. She got up to hug him. "Thank you."

"Of course, kid. I know that seeing the cut all the time is going to be scarring,"

She laughed. "Did you just make pun?"

"Did you like it?" She just rolled her eyes.

Elena couldn't believe Schneider hit the nail on the head again. Her other scars were thin white lines on her upper thighs or her wrist and arms. And since they were from month or years ago, they are faded. Some aren't even noticeable. But this one was going to scar different. She'd have to see it everyday and have it be a reminder. She didn't want to have to explain to people whenever she went to the beach or pool.

"Really though, thank you." She said as she wiped tears from her eyes.

"Anything for you, kid." Elena went back to her seat and put the wrap back in the bag. "You're going to be okay." He promised.

For the first time, she believed it.

a/n: Well I hope you liked it. I've always wanted to write a self-harm story with Elena and have Schneider talk to her about addictions and relating their stories. And I wanted to write about the experience I had when I cut to deep and the amount of blood scared me. Now it's been a month and I have this scar that I want no one to see or ask about it. So I'm happy I finally got around to write it and combine the ideas. At first I didn't know if I wanted to post it, but I decided to go for it. Relapses happen. And I know I never want to feel that scared ever again.

Hope everyone is has a great day. Thank you for reading.