A Christmas Visage for Vegeta

"And why the hell do you expect me to wear this?!" Vegeta fumed with his arms stiff to his sides.

"Oh, don't be a grinch, sweetie," Panchy said holding up the Santa suit.

"Who in their right mind would wear such a thing?! That is worse than the pink shirt your daughter made me wear!"

"It's a Santa Claus costume."

"Then he is clearly color blind."

"Oh come on, tis the season."

"For what?! The cold and flu?"

"Christmas celebrates the birth of the Son of God. Come on, you've lived here three years now."

"The androids have been taking most of my attention."

"Oh… right. But hey, it would make Trunks happy."

"I'm not dressing up as your god!" Vegeta stormed off.

Panchy tilted her head confused.


Dr. Brief passed Vegeta in the hall as he entered one of the side dens.

"Darling!" he burst into the room, "You're not going to belie— are you ok?"

He walked over and sat on the ottoman across from his wife draped worryingly in the chair.

"Baby?"

"I'll be alright…" she said not looking away from the wall.

"No you're not," Dr. Brief put his hand on her knee.

"I'm just trying to help Reverend Michael, but it's not going well."

"Oh," Dr. Brief said annoyed, "More young blood/old bones nonsense at your— wait, I thought his name was Tim?"

"Rev. Tim left…"

"He transferred out already? What is it now, six pastors in five years?"

"No," she said, leaning forward and clasping his hand in between hers. "He left! A bright star right out of Seminary and they drove him away in six months. Today was Michael's first day and those old crones and blowhards already pulled him aside and gave him 'the talk'." Panchy let go, "I'm not going to let them snuff out another flame." She uncharacteristically punched her fist into her palm, "I need to 'bless their hearts' so bad they never get back up. And I know exactly how to do it. Vegeta needs to be Santa Claus at the Christmas party." She put her hands down. "Revealing after the fact that a moon worshiping pagan was the one handing gifts out will shut them up for a while."

"Is that why Vegeta looked madder than normal? I would think he'd be all for revenge."

Panchy leaned back and rested her cheek on her hand. "No. You know how defensive he gets. Even if he keeps up the act for the party, once Krillin or Yamcha negs him, he'll freak out and it'll get back to the church. No, he needs to genuinely want to do this."

Dr. Brief got up and pecked her cheek, "Well Thanksgiving was only two days ago. We got time."

Panchy looked down hearing a crunching noise.

"What's that paper you're holding?"

"Oh?" he looked down. "Oh! Come on, I'll tell you while we find Bulma."


Vegeta walked into the living room, and saw Bulma on a ladder with a giant tree.

"Why the hell is there a fucking tree in the house!"

Bulma looked down, "Hey Vegeta. Give me a moment to plug these sections together and I'll be right down."

Vegeta noticed something wrong and walked over. He ran the branch through his fingers. "Correction, why the hell is there a fake tree in my house?" He noticed something else. "And why all the tiny light bulbs?"

"It's a Christmas tree." Bulma said, climbing down the ladder. "Tonight, we get to decorate the tree together as a family for the first time."

Bulma reached down into a box and brought out another piece of the tree. She folded down the branches. "Shouldn't you be in the GR this time of day?"

"It's making a buzzing noise. Again."

Bulma sighed. "I told you not to turn the GR over 400 until I could get a redesign build. I just replaced that part 3 weeks ago… again."

"So when will you be getting it done?"

"Not until the decorations are done. So, you will just have to suffer the consequences of not doing what I told you to do." Bulma winked as she climbed the ladder.

Vegeta growled a sigh. "Can you tell your mother I'm not dressing as your red god? She won't stop trying to get me to wear his visage."

Bulma tried not to laugh. "Santa Claus is just a spirit that rewards children with toys. He's an old amalgamation of several different even older spirits, saints, and deities. Unfortunately, that means there is no single legend I can show you. He's really just pick your favorite backstory."

"Great…"

"But Saint Nicholas would be the best place to start." Bulma said inserting the top's pole into the rod beneath. "We can…"

Suddenly Dr. Brief and his wife came to the room.

"We have great news, everyone!" Dr. Brief said, holding a letter up. "The Bristinis have agreed to come over from Ireland! We'll be sending the jets out in 2 weeks."

"Who?" Bulma asked.

"Our relatives in Ireland," her father deadpanned, "the ones from the DNA kits you bought for my birthday."

"And they said they have been in contact with another branch of the family in Australia for decades now." Panchy said excitedly. "They gave us their contact information and said they would call them to be expecting our email."

"That name was not mentioned in the list of your familial alliances you gave me before the wedding," Vegeta glared.

"My ancestor's name was changed on Ellis Island; our original family name is Bristini."

"Why did he change his name?"

"He didn't, it was changed as the price of entering the country that became this sector after unification. But that was pretty normal."

Vegeta clinched his teeth at the thought of Frieza forcibly changing his name.

Panchy walked over to the ladder, "Come on sweetie, we now have double the size party to plan, maybe even triple! We need to get food, the guest wing ready, arrange for the Christmas lights rides. Oh! I should warn the churches there's going to be even more people than normal at the services."

"Ok. Ok." Bulma turned to Vegeta, "I'll help you go through things tonight, ok?"

Vegeta rolled his eyes. "Fine," he growled.


Vegeta walked out of the shower and into their bedroom. "Sarah, tint windows and drop the screen."

A tower on the nightstand lit up. "Yes, Vegeta," came a computerized voice.

The room went dark and a screen lowered from the ceiling. A light appeared above the bed and projected a menu onto the screen.

"What would you like to watch?"

"Go to the internet."

A search homepage appeared.

"Is there anything violent about Santa Claus?" he asked, rolling his eyes.

To Vegeta's surprise, a large list of results appeared, including pictures of an old, but clearly still fearsome warrior with a sword in each hand.

"What is that picture with the two swords?"

"This version of Santa Claus comes from the movie "Rise of the Guardians" based on the book series. In it, St. North is a thief with a soft spot for children who learns magic and becomes a guardian protecting Earth alongside the Man on the Moon, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and the Sandman from Pitch, the spirit of fear and darkness, known to children as the boogie man. In the books, Pitch and the Man in the Moon are depicted as aliens."

Vegeta's eyebrows flattened unamused, "Is this from modern stories?"

"The first Guardians book was published 10 years ago."

"Is there anything violent in the original legends?"

"Saint Nicholas, the Christian Bishop Santa Claus is based on, is said to have punched a fellow Bishop, Arius, in the face. Although the story has no historical basis, it is still an important part of iconography for St. Nicholas."

Vegeta was slightly impressed. Slightly…

"Anything else?" he asked.

"Although no longer celebrated, in ancient Dutch tradition, their version of Santa Claus has a servant who either beat naughty children or, in the worse cases, kidnaps them to be sold into slavery. In modern Dutch celebrations, this servant is the one to hand toys out, unlike other traditions where this servant does not exist and Santa Claus hands them out personally."

Vegeta sat up in bed at the mention of slavery.

"What other versions of Santa Claus are there?" he said, now keenly interested.

"Santa Claus is part of the category "gift-giving old man of winter". These traditions predate Christianity and survived conversion in various states of intactness from the near unaltered demon Grandfather Frost to Father Christmas to Saint Nicholas himself. These have all been either associated with, or merged into the Santa Claus figure after the United States rose to world power in what is now the Western Sector 400 years before unification and the modern calendar was introduced."

"That's… easily over thousand years," Vegeta thought. "And this demi-god was originally a demon. Explains the red clothes…"

"Sarah, what popular stories about Santa Claus involve violence other than Rise of the Guardians?"

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Santa Claus is the world's most wanted criminal after continuing to make toys after they are outlawed.

"The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. After being raised by the Fae, Claus tries to bring joy to the mortal world by introducing toys to humanity's children. This triggers a war among the spirits of good and evil over the dominion of mankind.

"Klaus. A mailman and a toymaker end a…"

"Sarah, stop," Vegeta ordered. He leans back into the pillows. "Play The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus."

"Which version?" Sarah asked. Two pictures came on screen, one a cartoon, the other some type of 3D but did not look like any computer simulation he had seen before on this rock.

"The 3D one."

"Neither of these options are 3D. Please try again."

"Then what is the one on the right?"

"Stop motion animation. This style of movie was popular at the time many classic Santa Claus stories came to television."

"Play the one on the right, then."


Bulma walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. She leaned against it and groaned.

"Pause recording. You ok, babe?"

Bulma came around the corner and saw Vegeta on the bed. He had headphones around his neck and was just putting down a tablet.

"Did you just call me babe?"

"You're the one who wants me to start using useless prattle." Vegeta snarked. "Instead of words with actual meaning."

"For the last time, calling someone a turkey on Earth is an insult," Bulma said exasperated. "You can't call Trunks 'turkie'!"

"Tourrkie! Damn it. Tourrkie! Growl when you say it, Woman!"

"My point still stands."

"Well then my parents must have been calling me a little shit instead of a 'little smiles' their entire lives! Because it's MY infantile name and the boy's earned it!" Vegeta shouted. His eyes widened as his face reddened.

Bulma froze, her brain trying to compute this eternal rain cloud of a man being nicknamed "little smiles" as a child. Then she remembered Trunks' shit eating grin staring back at her, completely unafraid of punishment in his newfound toddler mean streak, and completely understood.

Bulma sighed, rubbing her head. "Ok… let's just move on to the task of teaching you about Santa Claus."

Vegeta picked up the tablet, "What do you think I've been doing the past few hours?"

Bulma put her hands on her hips and leaned forward. "Ok, hotshot. Tell me all you know about Santa?"

"Banditry, slave trafficking, and being the world's most wanted criminal." He raised an eyebrow, "Is he an ex-boyfriend?"

"What?!" Bulma leapt on the bed and crawled for the tablet. "What grimdark, slasher fic site did you find on the web? Give me that!"

Vegeta let her rip the tablet from his hands.

Bulma flipped through the pages. "Wait… This is on Candle?! A real book?!" Bulma suddenly looked confused as she held the tablet out. "Fairies?"

Vegeta took it from her hand. "'The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus', by your 'Oz' person. The battle scene showed promise in the movie." He leaned back into his previously comfortable position, "How about I continue to use your hacked program to teach me how to read your tribe's script, while you look into your own legends about this immortal toymaker."

Vegeta put his headphones back on, "You don't seem to know him very well… Oh," he slipped one ear off. "If you ever want to see me dress as your holy man, I'd start with the infamous and feared Cossack warrior backstory."

Vegeta gave her Trunks' grin.


A few weeks later,

Dr. Santa Brief raised a leftover Halloween pirate sword in the air. "Everyone get Pitch!"

An army of 40 children in blue hoodies with pop sticks that shot silver confetti chased after Vegeta, dressed in black. They were joined by Piccolo hidden in an Easter Bunny suit throwing plastic eggs, Gohan was on the nimbus dressed in yellow throwing yellow confetti bombs, and dozens of small hummingbird drones controlled by Bulma in her Tooth Fairy costume.

While they tore through the mansion, the adults gathered in the civic hall of the city's biggest protestant church.

Even Capsule Corp had its limits.

Between the normal guests from their Catholic and Evangelical congregations, the Western Briefs and Garters, and now the Irish and Australian Bristinis, the normal party had morphed into a five-day event.

It was the fourth day, and the last group of children were being watched live on a huge projector screen as cameramen filmed the chaos for keepsakes.

Panchy noticed one of her church matrons break off from their group and began walking towards her.

She smiled. Vegeta had more than risen to the occasion. Rev. Michael had been so surprised and impressed by his leading of the party preparations he slipped the books and movie's writers into the prayer list that Sunday.

"Rise of the Guardians," she began her small talk, "I had never heard of the movie until two days ago."

"My son-in-law originally wanted to do a Life and Adventures of Santa Claus's theme, but the idea was too much. We barely got this together in time."

"I see." She looked up at the screen, "Santa as a warrior against darkness and fear. We need to capitalize on this in the Sunday school and youth groups." She looked back at Panchy, "He must really love Christmas to know such obscure legends. Would he be willing to speak to the congregation?"

"Oh no," she giggled with her fingers over her mouth. "Not unless it's an interfaith meeting. He's Pagan. Born and raised. This is his first Christmas. He even thought Christmas was Santa's birthday. Isn't that silly?"

"I… um…" the woman stuttered.

"Oh, don't be like that," the Reverend came over, "The people playing the Easter Bunny and Sandman aren't Christians either. But we're all here having fun."

"…That's all that matters, I guess."

The three turned at Vegeta's scream. He had tripped and was now getting blasted on the ground at point blank range.

"Bulma!" he coughed and spit the confetti being shot directly into his face. "Fucking shit…"

Then a familiar war cry rang from the speakers as a purple-haired child leapt over the other kids and shattered his staff on Vegeta's head. The other children quickly followed his example as Vegeta curled up.

"Tourrkie! You traitor!"

Panchy laughed. "Because there is nothing more beautiful in the world than a happy child."

"Did you just kick me in the fucking face?! Stop laughing, Trunks. That's an order!"