guide:
"Normal talking"
"Spoken in foreign language"(in this case English)
'Thoughts'
Flashbacks/Memories
*Techniques*
Chapter 9- Absolute Hell
2...
'What is this...?'
'What am I suppose to do?!'
'What am I suppose to feel?!'
'How do I control my emotions like this?!'
'How, when everything feels so real.'
'How, when everything hurts me so much?!'
'How?!'
'Merlin-san, I can't do it.'
'I can't, I can't, I can't!'
Those were his thoughts as he was sent on a second ride through hell. Every single thing he had witnessed and experienced from before happened again in the same order and manner. It was like being in his own personal hell.
3...
"Izu, are you ok?" A concerned voice called out.
"Y-yeah, I just slipped is all." His young self responded while rubbing the back of his neck.
'I can't keep doing this. This trial is too much!'
"You should be more careful, my quirk only works once a day so I can't keep healing you."
'It's too much! It's too much for a useless Deku!'
He was despairing and with a strong reason too.
It wasn't long that he realized what was going on after waking up again in his 5 year old body. This really was all just an illusion, one that recreates every event he had been through even the ones he doesn't remember.
The initial shock at the revelation of his erased memories was still present and he still couldn't grasp what happened. So many questions were answered in just one forgotten night.
The monster that attacked him twice, who almost killed him, was after Azuki and her family. He just got caught in the crossfire which awakened this mysterious power within him making him lose control and rationality in exchange for overwhelming strength and ferocity. He was speechless to say the least.
'This is the kind of power I possessed?!'
'This is the power that I'm trying to earn back?'
'A power that turns me into an unstable bloodthirsty savage?!'
'This can't be what I'm here for! I didn't ask for this!'
'Why didn't you warn me Merlin?!'
His older mind screamed in despair as he watched the scene of his mother writhing in agony before him, dying slowly, painfully all the while he was helpless to stop it. To stop him.
7...
That's how many times he has repeated this cycle of pain he calls his life. That's the number of times he relived every happy and agonizing moment until 3 months ago where he would end up back in the beginning.
He knew from the beginning that this was all an illusion, he knew it wasn't real...but he hoped it was. He desperately hoped from the deepest part of his heart that this was real, that he had just woken up from an awfully long nightmare. And so, he allowed himself to be lost in the happy moments. To the precious moments that warmed his heart up until the two moments that broke it.
And now, here he was...again, in his 7 year old body laying helplessly in the snow as he watched the blade pierce his friend's chest spraying blood all over the snow.
The pain he felt at hearing her last breath, at her body falling to the snow, it was...too much.
He grit his teeth at the frustration and regret. He felt the rage building up in him, the feeling of his power awakening. A gust of powerful wind blew away everything. Demon darkness erupted from the ground all around him destroying and poisoning the soil he stood on. His thick clothing burned off at the sheer heat and power he radiated.
He grit his teeth even harder at the uncontainable anger that arose with this power. The desire for revenge was overwhelming. He didn't fight the urge to kill because he couldn't...
"Never lose control."
...it was far too strong for him.
"AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!"
And so, the cycle continues...
10...
Each time he fails and starts over, he remembers it all. And worse, he feels it all the more.
He feels the adrenaline in his body as his legs rushed across a burning alleyway towards the slime villain.
It was already that day. The day that'll end with him wanting to end himself.
"What are you doing here you Deku?!" His number one bully angrily asked him.
That's one question he had been trying to answer for what felt like decades now. Each and every time he hears that question from Kacchan, he still couldn't find an answer himself.
'Maybe it's because I was being stupid and desperate'
'Maybe it's because I just blindly followed what my instincts told me.'
"You looked like you were asking for help." He replies with a shaky and scared smile.
'Or maybe it's because a part of me didn't want to lose someone else this way even if I didn't remember anything at that time.'
"You stupid brat!" The villain said annoyed before swinging one of its powerful slime arms to finish him off.
"Pathetic.. I really am pathetic." All Might's powerful figure stood in front of him and took the blow for him.
"A-All Might..."
"Even though I admonished you, I wasn't putting what I said into practice."
"Pros are constantly risking their lives!"
"DETROITTO! SEEMMAASSSHHEE!"
The force of the attack blew the villain away as well as everything else. He fell on his butt after witnessing such a powerful attack. The giant man raised his fist high in the sky, a sign of victory, a symbol of peace. The man he admires so much as his idol.
The person who finished off his dream of wanting to be a hero. The number one hero they called him.
He was scolded by the heroes for doing something extremely stupid while Kacchan was praised for being so strong for surviving so long in the villain's grasp.
He walked home after his thorough scolding. Each step was like a countdown to when this nightmare will start over again. He pleaded in his mind, begged to anyone who could possibly hear him.
'Please, not again! Not again! I can't do this!'
'I can't...'
"Oi! Deku!" Katsuki's voice came from behind and he panted heavily, out of breath from the running he did to catch up.
"K-Kacchan?" He turned around to the source of his voice.
"Listen here you piece of trash! I didn't need your help! I never asked for it and you sure as hell didn't help me! Got that?!" The blonde angrily barked before turning around and walking away.
He didn't respond, only looking down to his red shoes, remembering a precious moment he held dear. One with a similar conversation.
"Why are you helping me? I didn't say I needed it."
'No, Kacchan's right. I didn't help. I was just in the way.'
If he had that power from before then things would have been different. If he had only gotten that power sooner, he could have saved his best friend from her terrible fate. He could have done so much more, he could have proved to everyone that he wasn't as weak that they all thought he was. If only he had the strength to control it.
His frustration grew and grew every time he realized what he could have done if only had he been stronger.
His feet stopped in front of his apartment door and dread had set in his stomach. He tried to fight it, fight the illusion but he couldn't just like the past seven times he had tried to do so. His body didn't listen to his demands. This trial was basically him being tied to a chair and forced to feel his life with excruciating detail. The only thing he had dominion of here was his thoughts.
He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him and waited for his fate. He was going to start all over again right after witnessing his mother's suffering. This was how things were now, at least until he figures out what he needs to do.
'At least things can't get any worse.' He thought sadly before black tendrils rounded the corner, trapping him in a prison grip. All that is left is to resign himself to his fate and start all over again.
Merlin stood from her spot on the ground as the boy came falling to his knees. She approached and tried to support his figure before he fell forward. Now that he had realized his predicament, his face was contorted into a constant expression of pain. His eyes and mouth were shut tightly occasionally releasing small pitiful whimpers and loud painful screams. It had only been a minute and a half since this trial had begun and it looks like the boy's progress is slow. She may have to reconsider her risky decision.
'Have faith, have faith in him Merlin.' she tried to remind herself letting out a sigh.
'We're going to have another serious talk about this...Captain.'
21...
He was angry.
Angry at what this world has put him through. Angry at all those who had ever scorned him, abused him, hurt him. The more he thought about it, the more he relived his life, the more that flame of rage grew.
His father's abandonment.
Kacchan's constant bullying.
All Might's discouraging words.
Azuki's death by a murderous monster.
His mother's death by the same monster.
He stared vengefully at the paralyzed monster before him. The way it froze and shook were signs that it feared him or whatever he was at the moment. He had killed this thing twenty times now and each time was as just as dissatisfying as the last. It couldn't last long enough! It was the only way he was able to vent out his anger.
It has tainted this beautiful sanctuary home to many precious memories with the blood of such kind people. It toyed with them, mocked them, enjoyed hunting them like they were animals.
But even after killing it, even after defeating it, he had still lost.
"I...zu..."
And that enraged him even more. It frustrated him to no end.
Why did he have to live this life?
Why couldn't things be different?
Why couldn't he had just been born with a quirk from the start?
He grit his teeth even tighter before screaming into the night sky closing his eyes tightly as the ground beneath him rumbled with such force.
'Why couldn't I save someone precious to me?!'
35...
"Why do you where that necklace all the time?" He pointed to the dangling accessory on her neck. The pendant was a crescent moon on a snowflake bound by a silver chain.
"Oh these?" She grabbed the chain and pulled it over her head to give the greenette a better look. "Well, they belonged to my parents."
"They? But that's only one thou- Oh." She pulled the pendant apart separating it into two necklaces. One, a blue crescent moon, and the other, a white snowflake. They were beautiful to put simply.
"My mom wore the snowflake and my dad wore the the moon and when they had me, they fused it together. It's a symbol that they've become one through me and that's why I wear it now."
"That's-that's amazing." He looked down as he finished unconvincingly. A bitter feeling arose from his fragile heart and it just settled in the pit of his gut.
"Are you okay?" She asked noticing the uncomfortable face he was making as he hugged his legs and rested his chin on his knees.
"O-Of course, it's just that I...I'm a little envious of your relationship with your parents. I've been seeing my mom less and less lately because of her job and I miss her. It gets kind of lonely at home." He said in a sad voice. "That's why I also you everyday here because you're really good company. It's...nice" He finished with a slight blush.
"Well don't worry about your mom. She's working hard because she loves you and we can have loads of fun out here! There's lots of places I want to show you! You'll never feel lonely again." Her bright smile made him smile.
It brought this warm feeling in his chest knowing that he no longer walked this path alone, that he was now walking hand-in-hand with a true friend, even if the world tried to pull him down.
That's how he found the strength to smile brighter even when the world crushed him.
That's why he was genuinely happy.
That's why...
...it hurts...so much.
He clenched the bloody necklace in his darkness imbued hands tightly and pulled it closer to his chest.
'This is impossible.'
98...
'What was the answer?'
'What should he do?'
'What should he have done?'
Those are the questions he asked over and over for decades.
'What does it want me to do?'
His anger from before had dissolved and now he blamed himself for everything that has happened or will happen. He was weak, a helpless crybaby, a reject to society who won't be of any benefit. That's how he felt. That's what the world had made clear to him time and time again, whether it be through Kacchan's bullying or the pitiful stares he gets from the teachers or the constant worrying his mother had for him. Even the people he defended from Kacchan's bullying never thanked him and just ran away when he took the beating instead.
He loathed himself.
He clung to a dream that was far out of reach and that brought him only torment and false hope. Only one person ended up believing him and she, along with her loved ones died. The only person who loved and cherished him above all else, his mother is also dead.
Was he cursed? Cursed to have nothing? To lose anything he did have?
To be alone in this world with no one to love him? Despite all his good intentions?
"I believe you can do it." Merlin's words rang in his head.
No. Someone believes in him again and she's waiting for him to finish this hell. He still had someone, right?
'What if she just tricked you and brought you here just to die a miserable death?'
'That's something someone would do to a quirkless reject isn't it?
'After all, who would want to help a useless-'
"Deku. That's what I'll call you from now on. It means useless just like you." Kid Kacchan said looking down on him. His smug smile and tone earned him snickers from his cronies.
'I know. I know Kacchan. You've made that clear everyday of my life for as long as I've known you.'
...
"Being quirkless doesn't make you any less than everybody else, please don't forget that."
'Does it really Zuki?'
"Can someone like me...can I be a hero too?!"
"No, I don't think so. Without power you can't become a hero."
'I had power! I had it for a moment but I was too weak to handle it. But even then, even if I was weak, I wanted to be a hero more than anything!'
Anyone can be a hero they said. You can be anything you want if you work hard enough they said. So why? Why did the world keep dragging him down? Why did the world say no to him?
'It's because men aren't born equal. They aren't treated as equals. One will always be better than the other and one will always be beneath everyone else. Someone will always have it worse.'
We was weak yet wanted to be a hero? Now that he thought about it, his dream really was ridiculous. He wanted to be a hero above all else? Why didn't he do anything about it? Why didn't he train when he was younger? Why did he waste so much time instead of doing something to make his dream a reality?!
Nine years of dreaming to be a hero was just that, dreaming. He didn't do anything to make people believe in him. He didn't do anything to become stronger. All he did was take notes and geek out about quirks. How far was that suppose to get him? What was he waiting for?
"It's because you're Deku. You can't do it. No matter how hard you try you'll never amount to anything..."
'...No matter how many times I try I'll never be able to do it.' He finished in his thoughts as a single tear slid down his freckled cheek.
"I'm sorry Izuku, I'm s-so sorry."
...99
210...
483...
917...
3360...
"You should probably give it up."
"...quirkless runt..."
"Mommy will always love you. No matter what..."
"...useless Deku..."
"I believe in you."
"...that's what friends are for!..."
"... a hero with you!..."
"I..zu.."
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
"Go take a swan dive off the roof and pray that in the next life you're born with a quirk."
"You can't be a hero."
He had seen his life so many times he could almost memorize every event.
This trial was getting harder and harder. Each repetition was getting faster to the point where his life was just flashing by his eyes. From the happy moments of playing with his mother and exploring the woods with Azuki to the moments he helplessly watched them murdered in front of his eyes, the trial was shifting between this times specifically.
Did that lessen the pain he felt each time?
No. It didn't. In fact, it just hurt even more like having more and more needles puncture his weak heart making it bleed.
All he felt was pain...so many kinds of pain.
The pain of someone hitting you, blowing you up.
The pain of being rejected, of being an outcast.
The pain of watching the ones you hold dearest die over and over and over...
The pain of being unable to stop those.
Thousands of times has he felt these yet he can't get over them. Thousands of times has he lost control of his emotions. Thousands of times has he failed.
Thousands of times has he repeated this cycle of despair, anger, and self-loathing.
'What am I suppose to do?!'
A question he asked more and more. No one answered him, no one came to help him. He was left to find the answer alone.
'What's the answer?!' He pleaded to any god who could possibly hear him, anyone.
"It's alright to dream, just make sure you're realistic." All Might's deflated form closed the door on the rooftop they were on. Those words stung him as much as Kacchan's explosions. The person who inspired him with his existence alone to never give up on his dream had just told him to give up.
Realistic.
It hurt even more when his idol had just regarded his lifelong goal as a mere fantasy, that it just wasn't possible for someone like him. The more he thought about it, the more reason he could see in the man's words. They made sense no matter how hurtful they were.
Be realistic. You can't be a hero without power. The world won't respect you if you don't accomplish anything. You can't be treated the same as other more blessed people.
You can't change what happened. You can't bring them back.
...
"Be realistic. That's it. I just have to be realistic. All I have to do is be realistic."
'Was this the answer to end this hell?'
~End of chapter~
