A/N: listening to nevermind by foster the people on repeat does things to a mf


This is our sacrifice. To protect everything we hold dear, we must give up what we want most.

Shard the Metal Sonic had spent his life holding his hands in tightly closed fists. To try to understand what it would mean to hold them open, when the world seemed to keep closing its hand around his own, curling hands into fists again - it felt impossible.

He pretended he didn't know why he kept coming back here. To this house. But he always knew why.

The air inside the house was warm. The walls a cream-brown, kitchen utensils neatly arranged, the light on, the picture of peace. In the cozy kitchen, they huddled together, the rest of the world and its worries ceased to exist for a precious few hours. The Mobians were each others' sanctuary, each others' safe cocoon, their love healing one another, giving the sense of fortitude that supported a sense of belonging. It wasn't just a house, it was a home. Home was a place of safety above all. A place in which you felt loved and real and appreciated. Where the heart was comfortable with vulnerability, a sense of community, and care. A vital element of love is protection. It's part of the recipe along with the nurturing of one another. Because each of the Mobians had what each other needed, because they would always protect one another, they felt so cozy in each other's company. "Cozy" as an intuition was perhaps one of the most underrated feelings.

In all of his time online, Shard was only now starting to feel a sense of what home was, what it could be. A house is a structure, a home is a sanctuary. He may have been "at house" with Robotnik, but he was at home with them... and they didn't even know he was there. So, the space between that warmth and the cold outside felt impossible tonight, as he peered through the window with a deep sense of longing.

Shard hadn't been online for long in his new body, but he already knew what he wanted the most. Home. Family. It was all right in front of him, but the pane of glass separated him from all of it. Separated him from Uncle Chuck's laughter. Jules' smile as he picked up his can of oil, complete with a bendy straw, lovingly placed there by his wife. Bernadette lovingly petting Muttski, the dog's tail wagging with joy at her gentle touch. Shard had never pet a dog before. He wondered what it would feel like to do that. Would it wag its tail for him, too?

What would Jules the war hero and Robian want to do with him? Or Bernadette, the veteran and ex-Robian? What would Sir Charles, the most brilliant inventor in service to the Kingdom of Acorn, the one who had rebuilt him into this, want with him now? He was certain that Charles did not like him anyway. And lastly, even Sonic himself, after everything Shard had done to him in the past? Whether Shard liked it or not, he could never live up to the legacy these good people had created, for he was not good, and never had been. The weight of his sins was too heavy. Unforgivable. And he knew that. And to get too close to these people would be laughing in the face of that. Moreover, to get too close could put them in danger, for trouble followed him.

He didn't want them to be in danger. He wanted them to keep being like this. To be happy. Normal.

There was something else Shard realized, then. The thing he would never admit to anyone who had ever met him was how desperately he wanted to be loved, and he didn't think he could ever say it. If he could put the feeling into words, they would have been: I'm lonely. I'm scared. I want you to see that I'm a mess and a bad person and still find me worthy, tell me that you could still love me as family anyway. The crying of a lost child. The glow of the room's amber light on his armour through the window.

He used to be self-sufficient, as Metal Sonic. What happened?

Shard turned to walk away. When he had wanted to be wanted all of his life, asking to be wanted felt like cheating his way to getting it. He had stayed hidden every time he went there, for the damning evidence of his desire would unearth something ugly and terrible in him. Nobody wanted to love someone too desperate to be loved, so he walked with his fists at his sides in the cool evening blue, trying to look like someone who doesn't want anything too much, who didn't reach out for anything.

He had always felt ashamed at being witnessed in the act of wanting something he could not have.

First, it was wanting to beat Sonic. Now, it was to be normal. To have a family of his own who would love him.

How long can you keep wanting something that doesn't want you?

The door slowly opened, the warm light spilling out onto the grass and through the darkening air. Shard kept going. Nobody should see him like this. They shouldn't know he was there. Not that it made a difference anyway, right?

The voice behind him stayed his feet. His optics flashed red in surprise.

"You can just knock, you know."

Shard stayed still. Uncle Chuck stood in the doorway, watching him intently.

"Hey, gramps. I was just passing by." Shard offered.

The name he had used for Uncle Chuck during his rebuild. It earned a small, barely noticeable smile from the older hedgehog. The hedgehog was perceptive, and he noticed that the Metal Sonic's voice was higher than he wanted it to be as he spoke, metallic and strained as he tried to hide his surprise at being caught.

"Now..." Uncle Chuck said, shifting forward. It was quiet, but audible. He watched as Shard stiffened. "I don't think you were."

"I was. Really." Shard tried, looking straight ahead. That strain in his voice didn't falter.

Uncle Chuck mulled over his next words carefully. This was the robot who had tried to kill his nephew. But, it was also the robot that he had built, and the same robot who had talked about what it meant to be alive. It clearly wanted something, and the hedgehog thought he might know what that something was.

"Are you coming in?"

Shard's fists uncurled. He left his hands open. Let the light of the living room touch them, just this once, and smiled.

"I can't, but thanks."

He kept walking. While it hurt to walk away from this, the simple offer warmed his soul in a way he hadn't felt before.

Maybe one day this could be home. Just, not today. Not yet.

This is our sacrifice. To protect everything we hold dear, we must give up what we want most.