A/n In typical me fashion, I had a rough night and this oneshot is the result of that. I don't think it needs any warnings, but it is a little dark so proceed with caution, I guess. Not really beta'd.
It is set at the beginning of S6 time when the Red John stuff was heating up and this is the effects of that on Lisbon.
/
On The Edge
She feels like things are becoming out of control. That feeling was there before her hospitalisation, but it is even more so now. She's struggling to contain Jane, his list of seven (well now six) suspects are playing on her mind all the time and the more they progress the more it is like things are stacked against them. Although they are getting closer to catching him, to catching Red John.
Lisbon closes her front door and sharply breathes out. She didn't realise she was holding her breath until releasing it, but she suspects her reason of holding it is because it constantly seems like she is being watched. She has thought that ever since learning the seven names, but it is stronger now that she knows Red John was so close to killing her. She was there, with him, perhaps on a different day under different circumstances she would have got him before he got her. On a different day she would have shot him between the eyes and damn the consequences, nothing is important anymore. She just wants to stop this before she, her team and most importantly to her, Jane, derail anymore.
This feeling of being out of control, reminds her of her teens years when not only did she have no control, but she spent most of her time trying to gain some. Not just for her own peace of mind but also for her brothers whose job it was hers to protect and look after. And now she can't even look after herself. That's what she thinks anyway.
Her fingers ghost where the scars of her past are hidden beneath her clothes, and she sighs. She needs to get a hold of herself. She is the leader of the serious crimes unit at CBI, she can't be losing her mind. Not yet, not before they catch the infamous serial killer.
When she glances towards her kitchen as she thinks about dinner, a wave of nausea hits her and quickly she understands that she will be skipping a meal once again thanks to the stress, the anxiety, of the job at hand. So, she settles on having a bath instead. The running water is almost hypnotising and drags her into a calm stupor, but right now she doesn't even think Patrick Jane could get her to relax - and not just because he is so pent up himself.
Over the past few weeks, she has seen that crazed look he sometimes get in his eye too often and it makes her need to examine their friendship, their relationship. Some days she thinks that she could trust him with anything, with her life, but others... it is like she doesn't truly know him, and she has felt that way ever since all the Lorelei stuff went down. He broke her out of jail, faked his own kidnapping, and then proceeded to lie to her about it. How dare he? After everything she's done for him!
Lorelei. Sometimes she did feel sorry for her, she had no life and then was groomed by a truly evil man who killed her because she knew too much and discovered his true self. The video of her reading Jane's list of suspects, which somehow he knew, haunts her when she sleeps. That's when she does manage to sleep... how did he know? Before she wasn't scared of Red John, even with all his homicidal rage, she wasn't scared, but since that video she has been incredibly frightened.
Not like she would admit that to anyone. Not even Jane, not anymore.
She sinks into the bath and immediately the warm water helps her tense muscles relax as she tries to take some deep breaths. To force the images of the seven suspects out of her mind. But it is no use.
"Okay. The names are..." Lorelei had read, with no fear in her eyes despite knowing that she was about to die a bloody, painful death. "Bret Stiles..." The Visualise leader who obviously has a devilish side shown by all the cases they have had that he's been involved in. He also frequently appears to have information about the serial killer, but would Red John be stupid enough to giveaway information about himself directly to Patrick Jane? Even if this is some big game to him. "Gale Bertram..." Her boss, her superior. The man that she reports to most days and has such incredible power in the state of California. They've had meetings together, dinner together, played poker together. He knows Jane's pain and anguish almost as well as her, could he have been the one to cause it?
Having to face him every day is so difficult. "Raymond Haffner..." Haffner does creep her out, perhaps thanks to his dead eyes, and when he visited her in hospital unannounced, she couldn't help but wonder how he knew where to find her. He isn't part of CBI anymore; he shouldn't have those contacts. "Reede Smith..." She knows very little about the FBI agent. He has always shown his clear dislike of Jane and has been rude to her, but for some reason she thinks that Red John would be a bit of a charmer. She doesn't know why. The thought is sickening. "Bob Kirkland..." He is an odd one, but he was nice to her. She kind of liked him and he was very supportive when Jane was "kidnapped" by Lorelei. Charming, he was a little charming to her... "Sheriff Thomas McAllister..." They had first met him on a case many years ago.
There was nothing striking about him, he was just a bumbling Sheriff in an area with a low crime rate. Surely, if he is Red John, then there would be more bloody murders in his jurisdiction? Although it would also be smart to do your killing elsewhere. "Brett Partridge." She watched him die, he was so frightened, and his eyes were pleading her to help him. He may have been a creep, irksome, but in that moment when she saw the life drain from him, she felt sorry for him.
And then Red John used his blood to draw his mark on her face. Shortly after the recurring nightmares began.
Lisbon takes a deep breath before plunging herself under water. She needs to do something to halt the never-ending numbness she's been feeling. To replace it with something, anything else. The longer she stays under there, the more her lungs roar with pain and although it hurts, so much, she is glad to feel anything. It shows that she is alive. Red John didn't get her, they only have six suspects left, they're nearly there. They nearly have him.
But what then? What will happen to Jane? Will he stay?
When she starts to struggle to breathe, she pulls herself up clumsily, water splashing onto her tiled bathroom floor. She gasps a few times, trying to take in as much oxygen as possible and immediately guilt starts to creep in about how she got herself in such a state in the first place. This isn't the same as before. She tries to tell herself. Her brothers aren't depending on her, and her father isn't abusing her. She's fine, she's just doing her job... but it isn't far from reality.
Her brothers may not be dependent on her anymore, but her team is, and there are more than three of them, and her father may not be around to cause her pain anymore, but Red John is. "Fuck." She curses, and pushes her wet, dark hair from her face just as her phone starts to ring from her jacket pocket. The item of clothing is hung on the hook at the back of the door.
As quickly as her body allows, she inelegantly clambers out of the tub, splashing more water onto the tiles and hurriedly searching for her device before it stops ringing. She eventually answers it with a "Lisbon" and suddenly she is no longer off duty. A body has been found in a dumpster somewhere.
She is somewhat surprised that the rest of her team is at the crime scene before her - including Jane who has been less bothered about doing his bit as of late - but she had to dry her hair and find uncreased clothes before she made the journey. As she approaches, she puts on her mask, hiding her current emotional state from her friends and colleagues, whilst wondering if her consultant will be able to detect her guilt or anguish about what she did at home. "What have we got?" She asks her secondary, not wanting to meet the mentalist's gaze which is boring into her.
"John Doe. Two shots to the chest. A homeless man found him when he was searching the trash for food." Cho reveals and she frowns.
"Is he still here?" She asks.
"Er yeah. Rigsby is talking to him."
"Van Pelt, fix that guy up with some food before Rigsby grills him further." She instructs and the redhead fleetingly furrows her brow before following her orders.
Lisbon remembers how many times as a teenager she almost had to go rifling through other people's trash to find food for herself and her brothers. She is sympathetic to those who have to do it on a daily basis. Jane watches as she goes to examine the corpse, as she studies their John Doe, he studies her. Noticing her tense posture and the air of shame about her, something that he doesn't quite understand. He walks to join her by the body, she can feel his presence behind her and can almost sense his question, but it still comes as a surprise. "Are you alright?" The surprise is evident on her face when she turns to face him.
Why is she so shocked? He has been so wrapped up in himself and his cause that lately it has seemed like everyone else is an afterthought. Perhaps she should be flattered that he's noticed. "I'm fine." Although that doesn't mean that she is going to give him anything.
He knows that she's lying but he decides not to press. Instead, he backs off and leaves her to inspect their latest victim. Hoping that one day she will feel comfortable enough to be open with him again.
