A great loss

Days would turn into week and weeks into months, before I knew it we were in September.

I had finally settled into life as a married woman.

At 8 am John and I both rose and began getting ready for the day, dotty would come in and help me with my hair.

9 am breakfast was served in the sunroom, John and I would spend it discussing our events for the day or just reading the newspaper.

10 am John would go to work be it working from the drawing-room or travelling.

Depending on which it was instructed the rest of my day.

If John were to stay in the office then my day would be spent entertaining myself with reading, playing the piano or painting which I had just recently become fond of.

Noon john and I would eat lunch together before returning to our tasks.

At 7 pm we ate dinner.

At 8 pm we would play a game of cards, chess or simply talk.

11 pm we both retired to bed.

However, John was to travel he would usually take me with him.

When he was in a business meeting I was allowed to roam, perhaps do some shopping.

We would then go out for lunch before taking a stroll in the park during the afternoon.

Sometimes I would be visited by Ava or William.

Ava did not come around often, her mother had shown her distance for the matter.

William was starting to warm up to me, we weren't close yet but we did enjoy Conversation during afternoon tea, he would tell me of his philanthropy project's he would Like to start.

Helen was also a regular guest we would spend our afternoons drinking tea and playing cards.

She would try to keep me up with the latest gossip of the New York high society, I cared very little for it but I let her Humor me.

Rose and I would exchange letters weekly, she always had something new to tell me, either it being a new piece of gossip, to complain about mother, to ask me about married life or just to keep me updated on my father's health, According to Rose the doctors were optimistic, father was beginning to regain his strength and energy, that filled me with much joy to hear of my father's recovery.

I had yet to receive any invites to any social gatherings.

Turns out our marriage was more scandalous than I had first anticipated.

First of all divorce especially in high society was frowned upon.

Then he almost instantly remarried again to a woman who was 29 years younger than him.

Ava Willing was still a respected member of New York society and many still supported her which meant John had become an outcast.

That had been made apparent when we had attended lady Gordon's daughters coming out party, No one would speak neither of us.

Most of the party was spent with the two of us sat alone, with only each other to converse with.

John naturally had later into the night disappeared with the other men into the smoking lounge leaving me with only myself as a company.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly embarrassed, the ladies avoid me like the plague and they didn't even make it subtle.

Mercifully we still had one person supporting us.

A feisty and lovely lady named Margaret Brown.

Or Molly brown.

She had instantly come to sit next to me and engaged me in conversation.

"Us outcasts must stick together."

Molly and her husband too were outcast though not for the reason we were.

They hadn't been born into privilege like the rest of us, her husband Also named John had struck gold she was referred to as "new money" which was in poor taste if you asked me.

Molly and John had worked hard and been rewarded because of it, most of these posh snobs would not know hard work if it kicked them up the ass.

Molly and Helen would become my only friends.

I think John was debating having us travel for a while, just until the scandal had withed away.

However, I would be given the most horrible news one quiet September night.

A knock on the door awakes me from my sleep.

John wakes up.

"Good heavens, what time is it?"

John untangled himself from me before turning on the lamp and grabbing his pocket watch of the table.

"It's 1'o'clock in the morning."

The knocking continues.

No point in me going back to sleep, so I sit up.

"Come in!" John barks, he's very unhappy.

Victor walks in looking like he had just woken up and had hurriedly put on clothes.

His shirt was untucked, waistcoat undoes, hair in an absolute mess.

"Victor what is the meaning of this." John snaps at the flustered valet.

"We just received a phone call from a Maid of Mrs DeWitt Bukater."

Mother?

Victor continues.

"Mrs Astor I'm sorry to inform you that your father passed away a few hours ago."

My father's dead.

No.

No!

He can't be!

He was getting better!

The doctors were optimistic!

My shoulders are shaking.

Tears are blurring my vision.

All it took was for John to wrap his arms around me for me to break.

Tears flowed down my face as I wailed and cried into John.

"Oh my darling, I'm so sorry" John kisses my face.

"He's gone" I wail.

"Shhh it will be okay, I'm here." John held me tight not letting me go.

I could scarcely hear John order for bags to be packed and to make preparations for us to be on the next train to Philadelphia.

John hands me off of dotty who brings me hot tea.

The next 7 hours would be spent crying in the arms of dotty, listening to John make plans for our return to Philadelphia, having short naps and crying some more.

Dark clouds gathered over New York, covering the morning sun as casting the sky into a dark grey, rain poured down.

It was as if the sky was weeping with me.

Dotty helped me into a dress of black, a black hat with a black veil was placed on my head.

I wore no makeup nor jewellery.

John was dressed in black with a white shirt and a top hat.

John had managed to book us on the 8 am train ride from New York to Philadelphia.

This time we would not be followed by any of the staff, it was just John and we would be staying with mother and rose.

The drive to the train station was quiet with only John holding my hand.

The train journey passed quickly, John let me sleep on his shoulder.

Now and then I would feel him rest his head on my hat free head or pales kisses into my hair.

I could not even convey in words what his silent and dependable support had been like.

I don't think I could do this without him by my side.

It was just after 1 when the train pulled into the station.

The familiar DeWitt Bukater chauffeur was waiting for our arrival.

In a Solomon tone, he greeted us.

"Mr and Mrs Astor."

He opened the door for us.

The car journey was quiet.

I would spend it preparing myself,

Knowing I was going to the place I grew up Only to have one of the dearests of people to my heart no longer there.

I walk up the familiar steps and knock on the door.

It opens to reveal Mary one of the housemaids.

She is mournful.

Mary lets us in before having our cases taken to my old room where we would be staying for the duration of our stay.

"Your mother and sister are in parlour."

"Thank you, Mary."

John takes my hand and leads us to the parlour.

Just as Mary said both mother and rose were sat clothed in black.

The moment Rose noticed me she lept up and threw herself into my arms.

"He's gone marigold."

"I know." I stroke roses hair and just let her hold me onto me.

Mother approached next.

She placed a lacklustre kiss on my cheek.

"It's good to see you." Her voice is stiff.

She doesn't want me here.

John must pick up on that too.

He must also pick up on my growing anger at my mother.

"Mrs DeWitt Bukater we had a strenuous journey, I think it would be beneficial if marigold and I were to retire you to our room for a nap."

Mother purses her lips at John, her dislike still palpable.

"Yes, you should." She is dismissive of John.

That make's my heckles rise.

I would not allow my mother it treat my husband with such disrespect.

Before I can begin an argument with my mother John is quick to pull me out of the room.

It's only once the mother is out of my sight does the anger leave my body.

"Don't let your mother bait you marigold." John soothes me.

His hands frame my face and he connects our lips in a chaste kiss being a-wear that we were in an open foyer.

Silently we retire to my old room.

I have a fleeting moment of joy when I find Trudy unpacking out cases.

"Trudy!" I rush to her and pulled the bemused maid into my arms.

"It's good to see you, Miss Marigold." Trudy pats my back.

Once Trudy departs John and I both have a nap on my bed cuddling close.

The next week would be one of the tears, forced smiles and double-ended comments curtsy of mother.

Father funeral was nothing grand, just a simple church service attended by his close friends and family and then back to the house for tea.

Mother was basking in the attention she was receiving as the "grieving" widow.

Don't mock me.

Mother never loved father, she might have held some affection for him, but not love, she only held love for herself.

Rose spent time in the company of John and me, she and John got along well.

John was impressed with rose's tactical mind and the two had gravest conversations.

Sooner than I would have liked we were back on the train headed for home.

Home

It's only as I was leaving Philadelphia did it strike me.

Philadelphia and my childhood house didn't feel like home anymore, more along the lines of fond memories.

New York was my home now, with its traffic and noise, it was where my husband, the man I loved was.

I could no longer deny it.

I loved John Jacob Astor.