Guess who hasn't worked on their translation for two weeks because they were writing this?
At first, it was based on the song "It Took Me By Surprise" by Maria Mena, but the story drastically changed as I was writing so here we are. There is still a sentence or two that should definitely remind you of it though. Also, I don't remember well what comes from the novel canon or from the drama or even the donghua so, just expect a mix of everything my memory conjured.
Yu Ziyuan just laid there, like she had all the time in the world.
It probably wasn't the case, but at that moment, it certainly felt like it.
She kept her eyes trained on the hairpin. She had seen a lot of those. She even owned a good number of them – she was rich, powerful and good-looking after all. But that on was the most beautiful she had ever seen.
Well, objectively, it wasn't. In her own collection, there were ones with more precious stones or one with a finer craftsmanship. And yet, not a single one could ever come close to this particular hairpin.
Maybe because it reminded her of different times.
The same hand that was now holding the beautiful unknown hairpin had once offered her another – now broken, as anger rarely brought anything but destruction – back when she had been young and full of illusions.
It had started well. Or more exactly, it had started as it should have.
Two young and powerful cultivators from good families. He was handsome, she was beautiful and everything had been decided years ago without their input, as was customary with these things.
She didn't know how it had been for him; but since she had turned ten years old, she had been raised expecting them to be wedded on an auspicious day when they would reach their twenties. Yu Ziyuan had always been sharp-tongued and short-tempered but at the time, she was also young and foolish. She wanted to blindly believe that her marriage would be a success – as everything else she did in her homeland of Meishan was – and tried to make up for the faults in her character.
She had never even thought of looking at another man.
Why would she have? There was a perfectly respectable one waiting for her already. Her heart only had space for Jiang Fengmian. What a blessing it would have been if they had shared that mindset!
They met a few times with chaperons – at cultivation conferences or competitions mostly – but the courtship didn't begin right away. He had to learn the ropes properly to take over the sect after his father and despite her impatience – he was nice, his smiles were kind and oh, how she longed to always be on the receiving end of this kindness – she could only admit that it was a fair reason.
But she wanted to know, wanted to learn too, and as she would rather deal with remorse than regret, she had her sect's elders send a proposal for her to spend time in Lotus Pier. If it led to a faster courtship, well, she wouldn't complain.
The request was denied by Yunmeng. Once. Twice.
They probably didn't want their heir to make a fool of himself – even if she thought that it would only have made him more endearing – in front of his future bride. But no one had ever accused Yu Ziyuan of being weak-willed, and finally – finally – the third request was accepted.
It didn't come with a courtship gift, but she could wait. The opportunity to know him outside of way too impersonal letters was enough for now.
Lotus Piers was even more beautiful than she remembered. Or perhaps she was just happier to happier to be there. Everything was new and interesting, everyone was perfectly pleasant. It was definitely a place she wouldn't be too sad to leave Meishan for.
She couldn't involve herself in sect related matters, nor could she look into the management of the household yet, but in such a big sect, there was always something to do. She quickly became familiar with the layout of the place to avoid getting lost and looking like an idiot. She was invited for practice drills at specific hours and she made sure to never miss any – she didn't even complain at being explicitly forbidden to use Zidian during those, which would have undoubtedly made everyone stare at her in awe and could have lured her betrothed into spending time with her.
She only saw him once in a while, but it was better than nothing. He had even taken her for a walk around the piers at some point! It was clearly an improvement compared to the letters.
Sometimes, her future mother-in-law invited her over for tea. These encounters were always polite and instructing, completely unlike the tales that she had heard from a few older married women. She was also glad – though she never said it aloud for fear of looking immature and eager – to learn that she wasn't the only one anxiously waiting for the beginning of the courtship.
Madam Jiang had passed down her mellow personality to her son and somehow, it felt like a small victory to have won her over so easily, even if she was still lacking in a few areas to be the ideal daughter-in-law. Maybe she would be able to reach out to Jiang Fengmian as well, despite his busy schedule.
Then, suddenly, everything changed. He was able to make time for her, and the first courtship gift came. She would cherish forever – even much later when she tried to convince herself to let go – the memory of him setting the thin lacquered box in front of her.
This hairpin wasn't anything special either. Golden, a few pearls and beads of a creamy color, nothing more. Simple enough to be worn daily, intricate enough to look good with her best robes. An excellent choice.
It was better than she could have ever imagined.
And if he was a bit more stern than usual, she ignored it. Maybe he was just shy. It was a joyous occasion. She would smile enough for both of them. At the end of the day, her cheeks were hurtin, but it had been worth it.
She only had a few days to revel in that feeling before things underhandedly went south.
She finally got to meet more relevant people of Lotus Pier – not that she had been completely unhappy with her previous situation, but it was nice to finally feel welcomed.
Among the most important ones was Wei Changze. No one actually told her who he was before she asked – as it was some kind of test – but she could see that her future husband held him in high regard. Even if, sometimes, their conversations seemed a bit strained.
And then, down an empty corridor, she met Cangse Sanren.
In truth, they had already seen each other from afar in the Cloud Recesses – and Yu Ziyuan had heard about Lan Qiren's goatee – but they hadn't really been introduced. She was definitely surprised by the other's behavior – coming up to a near stranger to hide from a group of angry servants was most unusual – and even more once the woman had ran away and she found herself with a frog perched on her sleeve, that she absentmindedly flicked towards the nearest pond.
She quickly learned that the other was a trickster. An easy laugh and harmless pranks, wrapped around a very good cultivation. An unexpected combination, but not a bad one. They could have been friends, if the situation had been different.
Actually, they were friends, at first. Their temperaments complimented each other nicely.
Cangse Sanren would do something idiotic and Yu Ziyuan would get dragged in or chase her around to make sure she was sorry; either way, it ended up in laughter more often than not. Things were good.
She had to go back to Meishan – the hairpin in her hair exposed like a trophy – but another visit was scheduled. She was glad to be able to visit again so soon, because she hadn't been able to uncover the reason behind her fiance's sudden sourness.
Upon her return to Lotus Pier, it seemed even worse than before. And this time, mind not clouded by the novelty of their courtship, she understood quickly. Later, looking at the stormy grey skies of the famous Yunmeng rain season as a servant begged her to come back inside, she wondered how she could have missed it.
Jiang Fengmian loved Cangse Sanren.
It was obvious in his gestures, in the tone of his voice, in the softening of his eyes. He had been nice and polite to her before, but he had never been like that.
It was infuriating, because she couldn't fault anyone but herself for it. Maybe they were both beautiful and powerful, but anyone with a working brain would know who was the right choice. Wanting to seize the day by filling it with as much laughter as possible was hardly a real flaw after all.
She was rash and lacked subtlety, that was for sure, but she prided herself on being honest, so she confronted her friend about it – if his feelings were shared, then she wouldn't stand in their way. But she laughed it off. The truth was this simple thing: Cangse Sanren didn't love Jiang Fengmian – she even hinted at having someone else in her heart.
Meaning Yu Ziyuan still had a chance to have a happy married life. And the other woman was more than ready to help her. With hard work and friends, it was certainly possible to change things.
Showing off all her good points was harder than intended. He already knew that she was beautiful and intelligent. Though well-versed in the five arts, as a lady of her rank ought to be, she wasn't exactly outstanding in any of them. It only left one possibility that wouldn't make her look ridiculous.
That was how she ended up facing Cangse Sanren in the training ring for a spar.
She was a worthy opponent and her unwilling rival, so it was only logical. They would both benefit from the experience, and maybe a certain someone would finally look her way.
The thrill that came with the clashing of their swords made her blood sing. Her friend was quick and unpredictable; fighting someone that strong completely unrestrained made her want more, and without waiting, she unleashed Zidian. Even more than the sword, the whip was like an extension od herself. Mastering such a capricious weapon took time and immeasurable discipline. It showed in her movements and she knew it. The other woman had to resort to talismans to counter all her attacks, and it only served to make the whole fight more enjoyable.
The draw they came to was inevitable. They were evenly matched, so when they ended up with each other's swords against their throats, Cangse Sanren's easy laugh met her own feral smile. The fight had been so good that she had almost forgotten why they were doing it in the first place.
Only after they exchanged a few words about different moves did she turn towards their audience and, as her friend sauntered out of the training ring to join Wei Changze – was there something between them? It would explain why her betrothed was tense around him despite their friendship – she noticed the eyes she was looking for staring intently. But not at her. And just like that, she knew.
He probably hadn't even spared her a glance.
Anger and disappointment bubbled beneath her skin. With a snap of the wrist, Zidian cracked against the ground, but in the second it took for everyone to look at her, she had willed the whip away. She bowed deeply and marched out proudly, head held high. If someone noticed the energy still visibly crackling around her hand, no one dared to comment on it.
Her upbringing made her too dignified to resort to biting her nails out of frustrations, but she wasn't far from it. It had been their last idea. Even the newly wedded Madam Jin, who had provided help through many letters, was at a loss of what to do.
And yet, stubborn as she was, she couldn't bear the thought of giving up. There might still be a chance, something she hadn't tried, to catch his eye honorably.
Suddenly, an opportunity presented itself out of nowhere and, even if it seemed a bit sly, it would have been a stupid mistake not to make use of it.
Cangse Sanren loved Wei Changze, and Wei Changze loved Cangse Sanren – at this point, she would have been more surprised to encounter someone who didn't.
But the woman was a free spirit, one that needed to roam around, discovering new things. She had only stayed put this long for her loved one's sake – these feelings truly made wonders.
So Yu Ziyuan thickened her face and begged her friend to go. To leave Lotus Pier, at least for a while, with Wei Changze in tow – he would never refuse her anyway. No one would misunderstand their intentions towards each other if they eloped and maybe Jiang Fengmian would let go of his affections. Maybe he would finally see that an arranged marriage didn't have to be a loveless one, even if their first loves were still out there – hers now dressed in golden robes, standing at a highest rank that an outsider could ever hope to attain in another sect, but the thought had stopped plaguing her years ago – that a disillusioned love didn't call for a lifelong celibacy in hopes of making them come back. Going on seclusion because of unrequited feelings was good for Lans – she secretly hoped it wouldn't happen to Lan Qiren because, underneath his overly serious airs, the man was actually funny and quick-witted.
Surprisingly, she even shed a few tears. It wasn't planned – she definitely wasn't such a good actress, especially with intense feelings – but she was genuinely desperate. She had poured her everything into that engagement, to no avail, but she still wanted to exhaust all the possibilities before giving up entirely. He had been nice to her before. It would be enough if he behaved like that again. Loving earnestly wasn't something done for the reward after all.
She would never know if her tears tipped the balance in her favor or if Cangse Sanren just needed support to ask her suitor to travel with her.
However, what she did know were the consequences of this conversation.
The two lovebirds left, despite her betrothed attempt to make them stay – conveying with just that his deeply flawed understanding of the woman he loved – and she could finally breathe. She had won much needed time and she would definitely use it wisely.
At least, that was the original plan.
Then, a servant or another told him that she had cried and thrown a tantrum, ordering Cangse Sanren to leave. As if anyone other than the legendary Baoshan Sanren had that king of power over her!
But no matter how many times she denied it, he wouldn't believe her. Kind words and words of anger all met the same cold shoulder. Yet Yu Ziyuan kept thinking of the future. Time was the lonely thing he needed to proceed the recent events and it would extinguish his silent ire, she was sure of it. Coincidentally, she had recently bought herself a fair share of it.
And the Yu elders robbed her of it.
In their opinion, they had stalled long enough. Long enough that they felt compelled to pressure the Jiang sect into accepting the wedding.
If she hadn't had an image to maintain, she would have outright screamed at the messenger and trashed the room with Zidian. Instead she tried to reason with him, just to be told that the decision was made and wouldn't change. The only display of emotion she allowed herself was a sneer. Now, it looked like she took advantage of Cangse Sanren's absence to secure herself a place in Lotus Pier. Her prospects were grim.
During the last few days, there had been distaste in the looks he threw at her. She hadn't been prepared in the least for what was to come.
Saying that the hatred in his eyes, when they saw each other with full delegations to set up an auspicious day, took her by surprise would be an understatement. But it was too late to go back, and he still refused to listen to her side of the story.
Their fate was sealed, it seemed. Somehow, it looked much worse than anything she had ever imagined.
Red was a joyous color, meant for happy occasions. This marriage was anything but that. The guests were enjoying themselves at least, so there was something right. As for herself, well. She probably wouldn't ever wear red anymore after the whole ordeal. The hairpin would also have to stay in its box.
Finding herself alone with Jiang Fengmian and his cold eyes in the bedchamber was the last straw. He didn't want to be there, because he despised her for not being the one he loved, and she didn't want to be there, because he didn't want her. How ridiculous. How foolish.
She might have learned to love him, but even if he hadn't deemed her worthy of the same effort, it had never been about feelings anyway. It was nothing more than duty.
A burst of hysterical laughter escaped her lips as she began to disrobe herself without waiting for him, once he finally deigned to lift her veil to honor traditions.
They proceeded as it should be, her, still laughing madly, and him, with faint traces of fear on his face. And when tears mixed with her laughter and he suddenly looked deeply uncomfortable, she wondered if they were burning through his skin, like the tears that had chased his precious Cangse Sanren away. Instead of saying a word, she bit his shoulder as hard as she could, so that his eyes would blur too.
She never cried in front of him again.
They lived in different parts of Lotus Pier. He still came on some nights, to please his parents and produce an heir, she figured. To spare them both the embarrassment of meeting more than necessary, she often went on night hunts with Jinzhu, Yinzhu and a few disciples.
When asked why by her mother-in-law, she half-lied, saying that she needed to build her own reputation as a cultivator before having children as she wouldn't have as much time after. Madam Jiang – out of respect for her, Yu Ziyuan was still only Madam Yu – seemed satisfied with the answer and let it go, even if the deceit was obvious: the Violet Spider was already well-known in the cultivation world.
In the end, her life wasn't that bad. It was loveless, but it wasn't painful. Not as long as she didn't see her husband and the longing written all over his face too much. It only served to remind her of what she would never have, that she wasn't good enough for him.
An unexpected but deadly combination of old age, badly healed wounds and illness took the Jiang sect leader only three years after the wedding. Stricken with grief, Madam Jiang went back to her maiden home, leaving Jiang Fengmian alone on the lotus throne.
He was a good sect leader. Maybe not the best, but he was generous while still managing to be strict, took care of the inhabitants regardless of their status and offered fair judgements. At times like these, she admitted to herself that she was proud of being his wife.
But the servants kept callin her Madam Yu, and it was unacceptable. He may not have wanted her, but she still deserved respect. She reprimanded them several times and yet nothing changed, no matter how terrifying she was being – and she was rather good at that.
Discovering that, though not encouraging that behavior, he wasn't punishing it either, hurt more than it should have considering how strained their relationship was. When she confronted him about it, he merely shrugged and stated that his mother – who had left more than a year ago – was still alive, and the shock of this clear dismissal almost left her speechless. Then she sneered. So it was going to be like that? She laughed coldly – a thing she had perfect in the last few years, maybe her acting skills were improving – and threw him a dark glance. Fine, she wouldn't be Madam Jiang. But she would still rank higher than any servant and no one would ever be allowed to so much as try to order Jinzhu and Yinzhu around as they were Yus.
She could see the annoyance in his eyes, as if he believed that she wouldn't dare to follow up on her threat. He was in for a surprise.
At the next blatant display of disrespect, she didn't hesitate to use Zidian. When he came to calm her down, she simply raised an eyebrow. No Jiang servant had the right to give orders to another sect's servants. Or else, how did they behave as guests?
Unsurprisingly, things were calmer after that.
When she finally found herself with child, a painful mix of hope and dread knotted her insides. Maybe it would make things better. Maybe it would make everything worse.
At first, she didn't tell anyone else and forbid the healer from saying a word, with sparks of energy flickering around her hand as a reminder. She wasn't sure it would hold on and survive after all. Madam Jin had lost several already, in an increasingly suspicious manner, and even if her husband was definitely more respectable than Jin Guanshan – not a difficult feat – she still worried. Did he dislike – she refused to think about hatred at that moment – her enough to try or not? She couldn't take any chances. The child deserved her best attempts to keep it alive.
Hiding nausea waseasy enough as she was usually eating alone. The night hunts she went on were less and less difficult, and she had the leverage to hide her belly without modifying her robes for a few weeks. Only when it became too complicated to cover without changing the way she dressed did she decide that it was time to telle her husband.
He had seemed surprised, as if he had forgotten that it could happen, but showed no outward intention of getting rid of it. He even looked a bit excited. Good, maybe the child would be safe.
The pregnancy went well; she was told that she was lucky to avoid cravings, throwing up, mood swings ans chronic pains. Sometimes it was so peaceful that she was scared that the child had died. Then, it would move a little and she would stop holding her breath and chuckle, thinking that it had inherited the Jiang's gentle temperament.
Giving birth was painful but definitely worth it. As she peered down at the bundle to learn her daughter's face, to commit every detail to memory, few other things mattered.
Even Jiang Fengmian appeared enthranced and she had the fleeting thought that this child would maybe bring them together. They even managed to give her a good name without struggling that much, and later that day, Jiang Yanli was introduced to the Jiang Sect, from the safety of her mother's arms.
Yu Ziyuan was disappointed in herself when she discovered that she suffered from the same affliction as her own mother, making her unable to produce enough milk to feed her daughter properly. She had to surrender her to a wet nurse for each meal, and to compensate, she would soothe her with lullabies as often as she could.
Her husband was also a bit soften on her these days. Sometimes, albeit a little awkwardly, he would bend to suit her mood and let go of small things he would have opposed her for only a year ago.
And she acknowledged his efforts, she really did. But at that point, she wasn't sure that she knew how to say anything other than acid words. So she didn't speak when he was being agreeable, only offering nods in answer. By the confusion and regret on his face, she knew that he was mistaking her silence for punishment – and it had been for years before their daughter's birth. But it was fine. They had time, they would understand each other eventually.
Their daughter grew up without trouble. A little shy, quiet and soft spoken, so unlike what she had been as a child that she couldn't help but wonder if this girl wasn't only her husband's – their hair shared the same luscious texture, which was fortunate for a girl, but that was about all they had in common.
By the time she turned four years old, it became obvious that A-Li had no particular aptitude for cultivating. Some parents would have been disappointed, but she was honestly relieved.
Her daughter was pretty but not already outstanding at a young age, and her cultivation would probably stay low. That, and her arrangement with Madam Jin for her to marry the newborn Jin heir, would put her out of reach of sects power-struggle.
Being beautiful and powerful was appealing when you were young and didn't know any better. After experiencing it firsthand, she could say it.
As a woman, being both beautiful and powerful in a world ruled by men was nothing more than a curse.
In regards to her childhood friend's situation, she still thought that her marriage had been a lucky one. With her beauty, the Meishan Yu clan could have married her into any sect, but her strength made her a liability so, to be sure that in wouldn't turn against them, they had no other choice than to push her into the arms of one of their strongest allies – one who would remember that they had offered such a talented cultivator.
She had wanted that marriage. It didn't make her unaware of the politics going on behind it.
A letter from Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze came one day. They just had a son. Jiang Fengmian looked so happy for them that she didn't find it in herself to argue when he spoke of inviting them. Time had – probably – done its biding. And she also missed them a bit. Things would be fine.
Seeing her husband doting on the little boy made her both envious and eager. He wasn't that effusive with their daughter, but maybe it was only because she wasn't what he had expected – all the leaders wanted heirs after all. Would he be like that if they managed to have a son?
The only time Yu Ziyuan got really angry during their friends' visit, she kept her temper in check until they were in private, but not a second longer. It was already good in her opinion, considering that he had hinted at marrying A-Li to Wei Ying. He seemed surprised that she was against it. He looked like he couldn't understand. He wasn't a woman and it showed because even after her explanations, he still wasn't convinced, even if he pretended to be to placate her.
It was painful to admit, but there were only two reasons for a woman to marry in this world. For the family, like she had done, which was often the easiest choice. And for love, which she hadn't done because she wasn't strong enough, an arduous road, full of harships you had to be ready for. If you were a decent enough peerson, the first could go as far as change into the second – it was what she had worked for all these years with little result. But only out of extreme luck could the second become the first. If their daughter was to be stuck in an arranged marriage – unless she proved herself stronger than her mother in ways that mattered more than martial arts – then it was better for it to be as the mistress of the richest cultivation sect, with a friend as her mother-in-law and where she wouldn't suffer from need, than as the wife of a rogue cultivator – they would never settle, and their child would most likely be the same – and having to rely on scraps and charity to go by another day.
Not long after that visit, she found herself sick. As it was very similar to the beginning of her first pregnancy, she only waited for a week before seeing the healer. This time, once it was certain, she wasted no time to inform her husband. She no longer feared that he would take drastic measures against her. It just wasn't the kind of man he was.
Just as if A-Li had known to make herself quiet even before birth, it was like this child knew that she didn't need to hide. She was more ill than the first time, her belly showed much earlier, and she was soon unable to go on night hunts. When unexpected kicks woke her up in the middle of the night, she thought fondly that this one was like her.
Even giving birth seemed worse this time, but it could also have been that she was fed up of being cooped up in her rooms all day.
It turned out to be a boy and she was so happy that she could have cried. Yunmeng Jiang had an heir, and there would be no need to worry over his future marriage prospects. Even Jiang Fengmian, who, no doubt, would also have liked another daughter to marry her to Wei Ying, seemed delighted, and she let herself think that things looked bright. They called him Jiang Cheng.
When he grew up, she had the opposite impression than a few years ago: this boy looked like he was hers alone. He was much more temperamental than his sister and, from a young age, he began to develop the same sharp features that had made her a well-known beauty. After he began the preliminary training – at three years old, as dictated by the customs – it appeared that he had a natural talent for cultivation. He wasn't one of these 'one-in-a-generation' type of genius, but he was definitely above average – and far above A-Li who, as easy going as ever, instead of being jealous, kept praising her little brother for his hard work.
Gentle girl that she was, she even managed to convince her father to get A-Cheng dogs, so that he wouldn't feel alone when she had to go to Meishan or Lanling – and even if the name the boy gave them often made Yu Ziyuan think of a red-light district, far from her the idea of ruining his fun.
And then, they received the news. Wei Changze and Cangse Sanren…
Night hunting was dangerous, every cultivator knew it of course, but… They had been well-trained and strong, so she had always pictured them growing old together, maybe coming back to Lotus Pier to spend their last days in peace and surrounded by friends, not dying in their prime against some ghost or yao.
Maybe staying still and closed off as her husband staggered and sat with his head in his hands made her look heartless. But the shock had been to unexpected and she didn't know how to withstand pain any other way. They still hadn't said a word when A-Li came in, tugging on A-Cheng's hand, his puppies trailing behing them.
As if the sight of their children had sparked something in him, Jiang Fengmian regained his senses and enquired after their… departed – it would take time to get used to – friend's boy. No one had found him, so he took it upon himself to honor them this way. He made a hasty exit, leaving her to struggle with words to explain death to their young kids. It annoyed her a little, but she couldn't hold it against him: somewhere was a recently orphaned boy, barely older than their own, that they had held in their arms when he had been a newborn.
Sometimes, priorities had to be made and, even if her feelings rarely made it to the top of his list, this time, it definitely wasn't to slight her.
He obsessed over it and she could understand, but time passed and she couldn't help but think that they wouldn't find him – not alive at least.
Of course, she was glad to be proved wrong, even more so when the young Wei Ying was found in relatively good health, considering that he had lived in the streets on his own for weeks. She naively thought that things would calm down.
She came back from a night hunt to see her son crying all of his tears like the world was ending. The dogs were gone because this strange new boy he had to share his room with was scared of them. At first she thought that it was a joke. Surely they had more than enough spare rooms to not expect them to share one? As for the dogs, a less definitive arrangement could probably be found?
If she had entered her husband's study confused, she has left more furious than anyone had seen her in a long time.
There was nothing to be done about the dogs, but at least they had been sent to Meishan, where it would be possible to visit them. As for the matter of the room, it still rubbed her the wrong way, but if she refused to let it go, he would take the boy in his own rooms, and it would wind up being even worse – it would make her children look inferior, undeserving of their rank.
It began with small things. Picking up WeiYing where he ignored A-Cheng and barely indulged A-Li. Offering praise then meeting his own children's achievement with distracted nods. She let it slide at first. Maybe she was being paranoid. But it kept going on, and she couldn't stomach the longing in her son's eyes – maybe her daughter longed for her father's affection too, but she was much better at hiding it – any longer, so she confronted him about it.
He had the audacity to tell her that it was normal, that the kid had lost his parents. Did his loss mean that she had to watch quietly as her own children grew up without a father, no, worse, with a father who refused to care for them? And because of what? A dead woman who had never loved him but who had always been above his own wife in his heart?
They argued more. It reminded her of their relationship before the children. Not something she had dearly missed.
She lost ground often in these verbal matches, yet she never gave up. It felt like the only way to protect her son and daughter's interests – even more so when they realized that Cangse Sanren's son was the rare kind of genius that everyone wanted to have in their sect. And there was one thing she put her foot down for.
Jiang Fengmian thought about formally adopting the boy. That was something she would always be against. He could be proud of his parents, what would changing his name do, except fulfilling her husband's twised fantasy of being the father of his first love's child? And that was without taking A-Li and A-Cheng into account.
When it became clear that he wouldn't listen to her words, whether they were spoken calmly in advice or shouted in anger, she resorted to something she hoped would never be needed again. She threatened him. Looking at him dead in the eyes, she swore to make his passing look like an accident if he ever tried to go through with the idea.
He gave up.
It was like he couldn't understand that his decisions had consequences – negative ones, in this case – for her and, if he couldn't bring himself to care about her, he should at least think of their children.
Given the evident favoritism, adopting Wei Ying – older, stronger, smarter – essentially meant stripping A-Cheng of his rights as the heir. Whether it was the goal or not wouldn't matter, he would forever be the son that the sect leader hadn't wanted, the one who was to much like his unwanted mother, and no amount of hard work would change it.
The next thing would be to break A-Li's engagement and promise her hand to this newly appointed heir, to avoid the inevitable complaints of the elders about the bloodline. She would never allow her daughter to be betrothed to someone she lived with. Being in constant contact with someone you had to marry called for disaster. Either she would find herself unable to reflect on her own about their relationship or all the feelings she harbored for him would turn to resentment.
Or maybe he knew all of this and didn't plan on doing anything rash, but there would still be people talking, and she would rather have the three children hear the servants gossip about her than about them.
They were children, not pawns in the games of adults' frustrations. She hoped he would see it soon, or else, she feared that she too would fall into the trap and use them to prove her point.
She tried not to, because it wasn't right, because they didn't deserve it, but she was aware of herself.
Yu Ziyuan, the beautifully terrifying Violet Spider. Act first, speak first, think later.
It was a grand ceremony, the courtesy name giving. There was probably no way to do better, but she wouldn't settle for anything less next year. Because it was for Wei Ying, no, Wei Wuxian. And as the heir, A-Cheng couldn't have something that would visibly show his father's preference. She may not be able to shield him from it, but at least she could keep the rest of the world none the wiser of the extent things had gotten to.
Her pride could have rivaled the Jins' when her son was bestowed Wanyin as a courtesy name, even if he would always be her A-Cheng. She only wished it wasn't an omen. That he wouldn't really be the clear river singing in the night, doomed to share his qualities only when there was no one to appreciate them – later, the name of his sword fueled her worry again. But she couldn't bring dread and bad thoughts on such a joyous occasion, so she kept it to herself.
The passing of the years took its toll on the friendly competition between the two boys, at least on A-Cheng's end. Understandably so, in her opinion.
Wei Wuxian was good at everything. Not just good, he was usually the best at whatever he did. No one could match up to him. The sect leader doted on him, and even if he hadn't, his skills and cheery personality would have directly granted him the position of head disciple. He really reminded her of his mother.
A-Cheng, on the other hand, was too much like her. His temper flared quickly and he was so serious that he looked stern in comparison with the other. Despie being the youngest, he was always the one who cleaned up the messes that someone's pranks caused. Often, he shared punishments for things he wasn't even involved in. He was stuck in the second place, which hadn't seemed to bother him until his father's dismissal became more noticeable, until she began to push him more than she should.
It was wrong and she knew it. But every time she thought of stopping, the fear that her husband would take her withdrawal as an opening held her back. Letting him have the upper hand and do as he pleased would be like giving up on her children's fates. Not that Jiang Fengmian was bad at heart or that she believed he would hurt them on purpose; she just couldn't trust him anymore.
At least, A-Li was still her quiet, almost motherly self, and even if she berated her often to stand up for herself more, she was sure that caring for others was a definite part of her character; it caused less problems than the others. It was even almost certain that she would be a better mother than the example Yu Ziyuan had set. It wouldn't be that difficult, considering everything she tried to protect them backfired these days…
When the time came to send the boys to the Cloud Recesses, as any young master of a good cultivator family had to do, she would have gladly kept Wei Wuxian in Yunmeng had he not been the sect's head disciple. She remembered the stories of Cangse Sanren's antics back when they had visited Gusu themselves, and for some reason, she was almost sure that Lan Qiren wouldn't be impressed to have her son in one of his classes.
The first letters A-Cheng sent were a little stilted, like he didn't know what he could tell or not. He seemed indifferent towards the Cloud Recesses as a setting, but at least he was eager to learn. As time went on, he began sending three letters each time, one for his father, one for his sister and one for her, and something – maybe, just maybe, it was their already strained relationship – told her that the complaints about Wei Wuxian's behavior for which he had to keep apologizing to the Lans and some parts about the friends he was making were only in her and A-Li's – who probably also received accounts of the trouble he really got up to – letters. In turn, she tried to convey through her writing everything she kept hidden behind her harsh temper when he was there.
Wei Wuxian only sent letters to Jiang Fengmian and A-Li, and for that she was glad. Deep down, she didn't hate the boy, far from it, but she wasn't his mother, and she didn't want to be. He had had one before, a good one, probably better than she would ever be, and she felt that treating the boy well – maybe with a sneer or a little bit of yelling when he was being particularly obnoxious – was both the least and the best she could do. She was fine with her children treating him as a brother; her son could do with a clever right-hand man, even if he was acting like a fool half of the time, and her daughter just like kids with whom he shared much in terms of behavior. If her husband wanted to play pretend, it was his choice, as long as he didn't publicly left out their children – he did that enough as it was in private. In any case, she knew that she wasn't fit to be on the receiving end of his thoughts, and the fact that he appeared to share her opinion allowed them both to avoid pretending uncomfortably.
Then, the idiotic boy managed to get kicked out of the Cloud Recesses and break A-Li's engagement.
Kicked out! Cangse Sanren hadn't been kicked out! Had they missed something important in his education? Did he think that 'acting righteously' meant doing what you thought was right without a care for other people's feelings or for the consequences?
And how could Jiang Fengmian and Jin Guanshan have agreed to dissolve the engagement that quickly? A-Li had cried for hours when she had learned the news, and Yu Ziyuan had been at a loss of what to do. Her daughter was much more outwardly emotional than she had ever been and she hadn't known how to comfort her, except for ordering her favorite tea and pastries to be served when she would get out of her rooms. The girl really liked Jin Zixuan, and she thought that love in an arranged marriage could, just like power, be cultivated – she had been like that too, years ago. Funny how she could be so optimistic, having grown up with one of the opposite's worst example – even though things had been fine for a while between her birth and Wei Wuxian's arrival.
The Jiang sect's other disciples were only allowed to stay in Gusu because their head disciple had clearly acted alone and because they were mostly good students. Lan Qiren – the strict Lan amont all the strict Lans – had even praised A-Cheng in his letter, without any prompting. He thought that her son had great potential, that he was intelligent, efficient and organized, and that, as his shortcomings were similar to hers – a short temper easily riled up, frustrations bottled up until they exploded – she could probably give him useful advice to overcome them.
Maybe he had noticed the almost desperate – and a little pitiful – way the boy craved validation. For all his reputation as a brick wall, the man was surprisingly perceptive – at her worst, she had once wondered if she wouldn't have been better off marrying him before burying the idea; she was too loud for the Cloud Recesses anyway.
There was also the situation with the Wens. They were increasingly bold in their attempts to demonstrate their so-called superiority and even if it grated on her nerves, she wasn't stupid enough to do something rash about it. Moreover, they had Wen Zhuliu. If things went south, the threat he presented as the Core-Melting Hand couldn't be ignore. He would definitely be one of their greatest assets.
Yu Ziyuan had known him before, when they were merely children, but she hadn't seen him for years when he had suddenly reappeared in the Wen sect. It was still a bit sad to see him used as a weaponized babysitter – honestly the oldest Wen boy, Wen Xu, could hold his own so his boasting was sometimes justified, but really that Wen Chao…
It was after the lessons in Gusu, after A-Cheng came back with gifts and new knowledge, that the Wens acted – like the dogs they were.
It took days for the news to reach Yunmeng. A-Cheng and Wei Wuxian were all the way into Qinghe when the first attack happened, and they were the ones who informed Lotus Pier. The Wens had been defeated, of course, because Nie Mngjue wasn't a man who would back down at the first sign of aggression. Maybe that was why they had started with him, a way to force the others into submission. It was likely that the Nies would be unable to fight back for a while.
There was nothing unintentional about this. It was all perfectly planned and far above a simple inter-sect feud. That damned Wen Ruohan, thinking himself above others!
When word arrived that everyone had to send at least a disciple of the main family to the new curriculum so nicely prepared by the Wen sect, there was no doubt about their motives. They were taking hostages.
She snapped at Jiang Fengmian when he suggested not sending Wei Wuxian. He was the head disciple, everyone knew it. Who would they send in his place? Sweet, gentle A-Li, with her low cultivation? She would be dead – or worse – before they knew.
Of course she was worried. Worried that their lack of judgment would send their son and their ward to death. She reacted to worry and fear like a wild animal, with growls and snarls, as immature as it sounded – but could anyone really stay composed when the safety of children was on the line?
As they left, she gritted her teeth, wondering if their last memory of her would be this anger she used as a shield.
Just after their departure, they learned that the Cloud Recesses had been burned down. She immediately sent her daughter to Meishan, hoping it would be enough to keep her safe, and for once, her husband had no objection. It was kind of sad that things had to get to this point for them to have the same priorities.
No letters from A-Cheng or Wei Wuxian came. Each day filled her with more dread than the last and, even if they never discussed their feelings – she had stopped trying after Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze's deaths, like so many other things – it was obvious that Jiang Fengmian wasn't faring any better. And all she could do was hope, desperately hope, that the children – hers, not hers, all the children, because not being a very good mother didn't make her less of one, or maybe it did, but she still didn't want children to die, gods, at their age she was trying to get closer to someone she loved, not kept hostage… – would make it back alive.
The situation was so dire that she didn't even dare to hope for them to come back in one piece.
Then, her son suddenly appeared out of nowhere, half-dead, starved and exhausted, at the doors of Lotus Pier. He gave detailed information about what had happened at the Wen camp, along with instructions on how to reach Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian's location to help put together a rescue mission.
He was even ready to go back and guide everyone; but he didn't have his sword, and after making him admit that he hadn't rested in a week, Yu Ziyuan threatened both him and his father to make them taste Zidian if they didn't give up on the idea. Saving others was honorable, but there was a limit between that and recklessness.
They brought back the two boys without trouble and she thought that, maybe, they could start planning something. But Lan Wangji left as soon as he was able to – apparently Lan Xichen had escaped with precious texts from their secret library and there were good chances that he was still alive. She couldn't fault him for that choice, he was a kid too, and didn't have the ability to represent his sect anyway, so he couldn't really help them form an alliance.
They still asked him to talk about it with his brother when he would find him. After all, Zewu-Jun was the new Lan sect leader.
When Wei Wuxian woke up, things soured once again, because it seemed that an oncoming war wasn't enough to put a stop to her husband's favoritism. As if. A-Cheng's accomplishment was a lesser one because it didn't involve a fight against a legendary beast! As if foregoing food and sleep for a week to save a sworn brother after having helped many disciples back to their respective sects wasn't already well on the way of attempting the impossible! If his standards were so high, then it was no surprise that the bypassed all of her attempts to please him, and it was even less surprising that only geniuses like Cangse Sanren and her son could enter his eyes. Quite hypocritical coming from a man who went on less night hunts than her and didn't even have a title in the cultivation world!
He refused to look at her or at their son when she prompted him to, so she sneered and turned on her heels. If the gesture wasn't enough, Zidian's bright sparks revealed the extent of her anger.
Knowing that Wei Wuxian didn't want to become sect leader – she had overheard the boys' conversation, and even without that it was obvious, he was as free-spirited as his mother – didn't make her feel any better. Maybe A-Cheng could settle for this, but he should also have his father's support – and she needed that support too.
She was still seething when he decided to leave for Koi Tower to speak with Jin Guanshan – as if that cowardly pig would do anything but choose the winning side – and refused to talk to him unless it was for strategy meetings.
Of course, as if they had been watching, the Wens appeared shortly after his departure, led by… By that servant girl, the one rumored – from where she was standing, it looked true enough – to have seduced Wen Chao. All she knew about her was that she was supposedly jealous and cruel – two words that she had often heard associated with her own name – but it didn't mean anything.
Yinzhu reminded her the name in a whisper and her lips curled in distaste. Right. Wang Lingjiao.
The servant girl had the audacity to demand that she whip Wei Wuxian because he had offended her master in a way or another – shocking news, she thought to herself, deadpanned. Well, if that placated her until the alliance was formed… She summoned Zidian and complied on the spot. It was only doing bad for good. With luck it would buy them time. Furthermore, it wasn't a discipline whip and she had mastered the weapon years ago; the boy wouldn't even have scars.
And then, the arrogant little thing who had risen above its station – just like all the ones who had tried in Lotus Pier because she wasn't in favor – asked for his right hand.
She waited long enough for everyone to wonder if she was truly considering it – of course she wasn't, he was a kid and Jiang Fengmian would never forgive her if she really did it – before nodding to Jinzhu and Yinzhu. The three of them had worked together for so long that it was easy to give orders like this. In a few seconds, the guards had been knocked out.
But Wang Lingjiao still managed to escape and reached the courtyard. One moment, the sky was dark and the next, it was lit up by a red flare.
Faster than it would have been possible without premeditation, dozen of Wen cultivators tried to breach through Lotus Pier's defenses. Flashing in front of her eyes, the letter about the Cloud Recesses' fate suddenly felt like an omen.
In a battle purely relying on numbers, they would have had a chance: they were on their own land so therefore, there was naturally more Jiang cultivators. But it was the middle of the night and a skilled group had left with the sect leader.
Besides, in the Jiang clan there were only two cultivators that could be described as outstanding: Jiang Fengmian, who wasn't there, and herself, Yu Ziyuan, the Violet Spider.
There were also to very promising disciples: Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian. But they were still young, and a young genius still wasn't on par with a seasoned warrior, that much was obvious.
She allowed herself a second to close her eyes after sending Jinzhu and Yinzhu to gather their forces – she had wordlessly clasped their shoulders before letting them go, and it had felt like a farewell. No need to be a great immortal like Baoshan Sanren to understand how this night was going to end.
Grabbing both A-Cheng and Wei Wuxian by the back of their clothes, she hauled them towards the piers, despite their protests. She could already hear sounds of battle coming from afar, and it certainly wouldn't be long until the fight crept nearer. She pushed them briskly on a boat and, as the understanding dawned on their faces, she bound them with Zidian.
She ignored her sons pleas. She was proud that he was already so brave but she couldn't keep them on the battlefield. They were the future after all. Instead, she looked at Wei Wuxian and gave him her last instructions – easy to follow: protect A-Cheng, protect him with you life if you have to – before pushing the boat as far as she could.
She turned her back to them and didn't throw a look over her shoulder, because she couldn't watch her son cry any longer – and she couldn't stand Wei Wuxian's tears either.
The sounds of battle were definitely closer now. She unsheathed her sword. The time had come to fulfill the most difficult duty that came with her marriage.
Yu Ziyuan, the last defense of Lotus Pier. She would not falter until the end.
War and night hunts were essentially the same, and yet, fundamentally different.
Night hunts were carefully planned, down to formations and escape routes should there be the need.
A battlefield was chaos and screams everywhere, not knowing friends from foes until the last second.
But it all came down to killing things in the end, so if you had done enough of one, chances were that you would do fine when trying the other.
As she sliced her way through a seemingly endless mass, she caught a glimpse of Jinzhu falling on one knee. Before she could do anything, the crowd had closed around her, narrowing impossibly her field of view and leaving her to wonder if her trusted servant – maybe even her friend – had gotten back on her feet.
Soon there was no time to see anything anyway. The grounds were swarming with fighters from both sides and the bodies began piling up.
So when the crowd parted, she knew it couldn't be for anything good.
The Core-Melting Hang, Wen Zhuliu. She gripped her sword tighter. So Wen Chao had allowed his favorite toy to fight? At least, he would be a worthy opponent – it was better to be killed by him than by a nameless soldier who would brag about it later. Not that she couldn't have won in other circumstances, but she had been fighting for a long time, there were less and less purple-clad men standing and she didn't have Zidian. Tiredness and despair would lead her to make mistakes more than anger or hatred ever could.
He was good – of course he was – and she kept wondering if he really thought that offering his talents to Wen Ruohan was worth all the pain it caused. She would never know.
Even if she managed to block his sword at every turn, his hand came closer and closer with each swipe, taking advantage of all her openings. It was difficult to dodge both, and yet, each was the promise of a certain death.
She wasn't that shocked as he finally managed to land a hit on her chest.
His hand tore its way inside of her, and when his cold fingers closed around her golden core, she screamed. It felt like he was dragging her very soul out of her body and then, suddenly, his hand was gone and she was watching all of her hard work dripping between his fingers.
It was only when she fell to her knees, numb and freezing that she noticed the blood flowing from her mouth and chest. It poured out of her body almost as fast as the golden drops fell to the ground.
When Zhuliu came closer. She hoped he would finish her off quickly.
But just as he raised his sword, it was almost knocked out of his hand by another, and she could only helplessly stare at a back that she knew very well.
She wanted to cry. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to scream.
'What are you doing? Why did you come back?' she would have asked if she had been able to be angry, 'We are all dead. I failed. We lost. Why didn't you just stay away?'
She saw it coming. The Wens, surrounding them slowly, circling like hungry dogs, other soldiers attacking him, several hits landing, his back bending and the hand, that dreaded hand, entering his chest.
Where she had howled, he only gave a small cry. Where her core had slowly melted, his cracked and broke instantly into small pieces.
Fengmian! Fengmian! She screamed in her own mind. She was so loud inside of herself that her body found its last strength to let out the anguished shout.
She had never even dared to think she would ever been allowed to call him like that, given their history, but it was her last chance to try it, and she had nothing to lose anymore.
He turned towards her, putting a hand in his robes, staggered for a few steps and fell before he could reach her. From his half-opened hand dangled a silver hairpin.
She didn't remember dropping to the ground, but all of sudden their eyes were at the same level. His eyelids slid shut and she stared at the gift – because what else could it be? A hairpin, just like that first courting gift so long ago. She couldn't tear her eyes away from it.
She just laid there, like she had all the time in the world.
It probably wasn't the case, but at that moment, it certainly felt like it.
She extended her arm – it was so heavy now – as far as she could, her fingertips barely brushing the cold metal of the jewel before bypassing it entirely and reaching for his hang. Holding his fingers in hers, he seemed even colder than the hairpin.
His eyelashes fluttered and their eyes met. It took her a few seconds to notice the movement of his lips. When she understood, a small smile graced her lips.
It seemed that they had come to an understanding at last.
Heavy footsteps came closer and closer, and his eyes closed again. She kept her eyes open, fixed on the hairpin, on their joined fingers, so that she wouldn't see the sword piercing his heart nor the blood – but she saw, she saw as she clutched tightly onto his limp hand, as she felt the last shiver of his body.
She had a last thought. Or rather, many last thoughts.
A last for Jiang- no, Fengmian, her beloved husband despite everything. A last thought for the children they had raised, even the one that wasn't hers, A-Li, A-Cheng and Wei Wuxian. A last thought for Jinzhu and Yinzhu, probably lost somewhere in the ruins of their burning home. A last thought for the Jiang sect, for which she had given everything, even her life, all for that result.
And, she wasn't just anyone, she would make sure to be remembered, even if it was only by her executioner.
She was the arrogant mistress of Lotus Pier.
She was the feared Violet Spider.
She was Yu Ziyuan.
She looked right at the sword aimed at her, ready to meet fate head on as always.
And I once again wrote something sad. I may or may not have a niche.
Anyway, I hope you liked it (and that I didn't make anyone too sad-)!
