AN: Sorry for any mistakes. Enjoy!
Chasing Cars
The truth was, Emma was not confident that she could successfully carry out what she had in mind.
It had been far too long since she practiced her magic, let alone created a potion that would allow her to enter the sleep realm willingly and break free unscathed.
It was dangerous, if she really thought about it, but she overlooked all potential hang-ups when she focused on the possibility of seeing her friend again.
She missed Regina, more than she had anticipated, and hoped she could reach her magically or she feared she may resort to more drastic measures.
Killian was sure to push back on any of those that came to mind, traveling back to Storybrooke primarily, so really, she was being smart by choosing the option that kept her home with her family, even if she was doing so in secret, and in a dark corner of a forgotten shed that rotted away amongst the trees.
Emma weighed the risks a final time and once again justified them as she threw each ingredient in the pot, smiling at her small victory when nothing exploded or caught fire around her.
The smell, she would have to live with.
"Why do they always smell worse than death?" She asked out loud with a grimace as she fought to keep the smell from acquiring a taste in her mouth. "Not yet." She pinched her nose shut and fanned the putrid odor away from her face.
She peered over the pot and nodded satisfactorily at the color, the mixture signaled progression to the next phase, and she dove into the book on the wooden table one last time to confirm she was done. "Let potion sit for fourteen hours", she read. "Let the smelly crap ferment and smell worse, got it." She made a face as she imagined what her tongue would taste in a day's time.
Alas, if she wanted to see Regina, she would have to take the punishment that came with the violet liquid.
Emma wasted no time the next morning and readied breakfast for Hope and Killian before they could even rise and meet her in the dining room.
When they did sit down in their respective chairs, they eyed her curiously as she moved to and from without missing a beat.
Killian had asked her to stay through a yawn, but she shook her head with a smile.
She had offered no excuses or lies about why she couldn't join them only a reassurance that she would see them later in the day.
The anticipation made her heart beat faster and her stomach flip, but she hoped her family had missed it on her way out.
Emma's heart ached when Hope flashed her a grin that resembled Henry's as she assured her all would be well while she was away. She felt less guilty as she walked out and left them on their own for what she hoped would be a couple of hours.
The closer she got to the shed, the more apprehensive she became.
Emma realized entering the sleep realm did not exactly guarantee a meeting with others that slept, but she had worked on the premise that timing it right would increase the likelihood of her success.
Except she could have had the timing wrong.
Time moved differently in Storybrooke.
She could be so utterly wrong, meeting absolutely nobody, only wasting valuable ingredients on a futile cause.
A million scenarios raced in her mind as she thumbed the bookmarked page and flipped the book open. Her fingers were clasped tightly around the vial she had transferred the potion to the previous day, fearing it would somehow slip through her already white knuckles and waste away on the dirt floor.
She didn't want to start over and wait longer.
It was an irrational fear, but it forced her to practice extra caution as she moved around the space in preparation for her magically induced sleep.
A few muttered words and hand gestures was all that was required now, and Emma hoped her magic had not gotten so rusty she could not summon the energy she needed for it all to work.
"Please work." She prayed before taking the contents in one tilt and shaking out the awful taste that she was sure singed her tastebuds.
She peeled her eyes open carefully as to not accidentally startle herself awake. If that were at all possible, anyway.
It was a peculiar feeling, the transition from being awake in person to being awake in a sleeping state. 'Out of body' was probably as close to what she could describe it as. There was a faint but obvious feeling of cold dirt at her back, and that was unsettling. But Emma fought the chill that rippled from her head to her toes as she observed her surroundings.
Her eyes took in the details, which were mostly obscured and abstract, and she grew curious and anxious all at once.
She was alone, that she knew. It was quiet and dark save for her side of the room, which she slowly recognized as the entry to Regina's office at City Hall. "Interesting." She hummed as she studied the marble floor, intricate and precise, almost as if she were really standing there.
Emma continued to let her eyes wander as she smiled, already feeling at ease in the familiar setting. That wallpaper, those curtains, that desk, they all conjured memory after memory of the past. One she began to miss again as she waited patiently for a sign that she wouldn't have to stay in the space talking to herself for the duration of her slumber.
Feeling suddenly foolish, she begins to regret even trying.
Her shoes, which she realizes are her favorite boots (man she's missed those, too), rub on the marble as she rocks back and forth on her feet. "Wish this came with detailed instructions about what to do once you're here. Am I supposed to summon her?" She says as she shoves her hands awkwardly in the back pockets of her jeans. Another thing she has missed.
"What am I the Dark One?" Emma immediately recognizes her voice, and she has never felt more relieved or excited. Her eyes struggle to place it to her body, though, as it echoes in the room before she can even begin to make out the shape.
"Regina?"
Finally, she materializes across from her near the desk, and they both smile in response to seeing each other after so long.
But the moment is short-lived as Regina suddenly frowns and tenses. "Has something happened? Are you alright? Is it Hope?"
Emma knits her brows in confusion before finally deducing that Regina believed she would only have made the trip to the sleep realm if something drastic had happened. It had been their modus operandi once, on several occasions, so she cannot blame her for automatically assuming the worst.
She waves her hand dismissively in an attempt to assuage her concern. "No, sorry, we're alright. Hope is...well she's Hope. And she's growing so fast I can't keep up."
Regina nods in relief and allows her body to relax, her shoulders sagging just enough to appear comfortable but not slouchy. "What are we doing here, then?" She furrows her brows at her from across and Emma can't find a response she deems worthy of the woman's time.
She worries her lip before finally opting for something that seems acceptable. "It's been a while." She shrugs and Regina nods in agreement. Emma can see a hint of what she feels in the woman's brown eyes. "I wanted to check in."
"And a sleep realm potion was the first thing that came to mind?" She questioned with amusement and received a nonchalant shrug in return.
"Can't exactly text you or ring you up, you know."
"Oh, I know. I'm just shocked you still have it in you to work out some magic." Regina teased with a straight face. Her body loose as she suppresses a smirk.
Emma rolls her eyes, her own body content with being so near to her friend, however far they may actually be. "It's good to see you, Regina." She releases the breath that she unknowingly held hostage in her lungs, and the trepidation that hovered over her dissipates like a cloud.
"You too, Emma." Regina confirms with a small smile. "Although I wish it weren't here." She gestures at the room.
"It's your office." Emma fires back.
"Idiot." Regina mutters. "I meant in the sleep realm."
"All magic comes with a price." They whisper in unison before looking seriously at each other.
"I'll pay it." Emma cuts in, leaving no room for an argument. "I really needed this, Regina." She exhales heavily, the weight of her isolation threatening to slide of her shoulders. If only.
"Oh?" Regina urges her to continue, her feet carrying her closer to where Emma stood. She feels uneasy about the cryptic admission, and wants to know more.
Emma debates with herself.
She wants to divulge all, of course she does, but she fears her words will be misinterpreted as her being unhappy.
There is no way she is unhappy. She has a husband who is loving and considerate.
Hope is the daughter she never imagined she would have. A beautiful soul with a fiery streak that reminds her a lot of Henry. Regina even.
So, she isn't unhappy with that part of her life.
"Emma?" Regina's eyes search her face for more clues.
Her body deflates against the door as she sighs dejectedly. "I feel alone." She feels exposed and vulnerable, but her eyes search for Regina's steel resolve to draw from it. It is a relief when she catches the woman's supportive expression.
"How so, Emma?" She moves closer, not hesitating to move to sit on the floor across from her friend.
Emma looks up at the ceiling, which is darker than it should be, or ever was. She studies it for a while longer before letting her thoughts materialize into words. "I have my family, and I love them, but it's like an important part of me is missing." She doesn't look down, fearing judgement from the other woman, though she doubts she would- they have changed a lot, for the best.
In fact, Regina only offers her a soft touch to her knee, which is so light that they both wonder if they could physically connect or if it is all just a figment of the imagination. "You miss being the Savior." She surmises.
But Emma shakes her head in response. "At first, I believed it could have been that, but then I realized I missed the people. The town. I miss my parents. I miss Henry so much. I miss walking into Granny's for an impromptu grilled cheese. I miss being around everyone."
"I understand." Regina nods. The desperation with which Emma lists off her grievances is understandable...and relatable. "I miss it all, too, but I missed Henry more. I couldn't stand being away from him, so I made a choice, and I stuck with it."
"So, I made the wrong choice." Emma concludes, her head still tilted against the door and her eyes tracing over the patterns that were barely visible on the ceiling.
"I didn't say that." Regina adds quickly to reassure Emma she places no blame and will pass no judgement. "But we all make choices, and we either live with them or move on from them."
They each contemplate her words in the growing silence. It is unusually quiet, with no white noise, no soft puffs of breaths, nothing, but Emma attempts to overlook it as she finally moves her eyes to Regina's. "I guess I just figured I could go back to Storybrooke whenever I wanted, and it would be the same. But even if I went back now, you and Henry wouldn't be there, and my parents are so involved in their own lives with Neal and work that I doubt they would have time for a family reunion."
"Things change. People change." Regina says it with as much consideration as she can in order to avoid sounding accusatory. "It's part of life Emma."
She takes it in and reflects on it, finding no reason to disagree with her. "Have you spoken to my mother?"
"Of course not." Regina looks down at her fingers, her own heart a little heavy at that fact. "Snow is busy with Neal and with running the town. When I left, I entrusted everything to her. I wouldn't want her to feel like I'm micromanaging her."
Emma chuckles. "She would think that, but she wouldn't say it out loud."
"Might be worse." Regina smiles.
"I just can't help but feel guilty."
"Guilty?"
"Yes, that I am doing to Henry what Mary Margaret and David did to me."
Regina catches on and reads where Emma is headed with that thought. She finds it best to stop her train of thought and steer her clear of the mea culpa. "You did not replace Henry while you've been with your family." The woman levels her with an expression she hopes will be read as reassurance.
Emma shakes her head. "Everything is just so different. Everyone has moved on."
"Including you." Regina quickly adds with a sympathetic smile.
"Yeah."
"You thought you could leave to another realm and leave everyone where they were forever?" She knows it is an outlandish idea, but she forces the issue a bit to pick her friend's brain. Regina can't escape the growing frustration in the pit of her stomach, quickly feeling bombarded by the thoughts that run wild in her mind.
"I'm not sure. I don't know. I guess." She stammers over her responses.
"Time waits for no one Emma. People cannot be stationary in their lives or physically. Our son is testament to that."
Emma knows she is right, but hearing Regina confirm her wishes are wasted in vain hurts a little more. "Unless you're an Evil Queen that can freeze time." She glares playfully at her, only wishing she could have done that for them with a small part of her.
"Well, I'm fresh out of spells and the Evil streak. Sorry." Regina sighs before laying down on her back. Her eyes study the same patterns Emma had a few minutes prior. "At least you have Hook and Hope." She says, and questions whether that had been wise.
"I'm lucky." Emma agrees, taking the opportunity to lay right next to her friend. They look up together and sigh in unison. "But you have Henry."
"Henry has a family of his own now." Regina shakes her head. "I have them all, but they have their own paths to follow. I can't expect to be allowed to follow them around forever."
"He would never say no." Emma turns her head so she can get a better look at the woman.
"That's not a life." Regina adds. "And I can't find it in me to find another path of my own. I'm too tired." Her voice is devoid of hope and the realization of it hits Emma squarely in the chest because she knows what her friend is not saying. She feels just as alone.
There are about a million things Emma wants to say. She wants to offer some form of her optimism, but finds it difficult to take that step. Mostly because it can lead them towards a conversation she is not prepared to start. So, she steers clear. "Would you ever go back to Storybrooke?"
Regina chases her words in circles, unsure of how honest she wants to be with someone who craves joy and not desolation. "Not without a good reason." She settles for that while turning her own head to study Emma's blue-green eyes, which are locked on hers.
Emma nods, taking notice, not for the first time, the hints of honey in the woman's browns. "What would constitute a good reason?" She asks, genuinely curious about the response that will follow.
Regina breaks their stare at the sudden tension. "An emergency." Emma snorts at the evasive answer, and the brunette shoots a sideways glare at her. "Family."
"Well, you have that in Storybrooke now." Emma reasons and the woman simply hums. "What about love? Would you go back for love?"
"I'm done with love." If Emma could see her, she would surely recognize the way Regina's face goes rigid with unexpressed pain and frustration.
"That can't be true. What about Facilier?"
"No." She exhales softly as she plays with the buttons on her vest. "That was a fling. A mistake."
"That's all?" Emma questions incredulously. "Henry made it sound more serious than that."
Regina shakes her head minutely and sighs. "I learned a lot. About people. About myself. With him."
"But..."
"No but. Just that." She plays with her fingers again, a nervous tick she has undoubtedly picked up since they last saw each other, and Emma can't help but reach over.
Her fingers skim over hers, and Regina is suddenly very aware that some physical connection is indeed possible. She allows herself a moment to compose herself after the onslaught of energy that prickles her flesh and manifests as goosebumps beneath her clothes. If Emma can feel her shake, she doesn't make it obvious or calls her out on it. Regina is grateful.
"You can't give up on your happy ending, Regina." Emma mouths while her fingers seek to interlace with the other woman's.
A soft sigh floats above them as the brunette shakes her head. "My happy ending is not being seen as the Evil Queen anymore, and being left alone to live in peace despite my past transgressions."
"But do you really feel at peace?" Emma shakes her head in rebuttal. "And I don't believe that is all you deserve."
"I do." She states calmy and without hesitation. Resigned to her fate if it meant living her life with a heart that has atoned for sins that deserved no absolution. "My chance at love was there once, I believe it, but I let it go."
"He let you go, and he was lucky you took him back." Emma interjects. "It was unfortunate that his life was so suddenly taken, though. I'm still eternally sorry that I took you all down there with me. That set off a chain of events that led to more pain in your life." She squeezes her fingers against hers, happy to feel the skin and bone that somehow carries warmth despite their current state.
"I don't blame you, Emma. I never have." Regina breathes softly after some time. "Anyway, Robin and I were victims of a poorly written fairy tale. Anyway, I do not truly believe in my heart that he was my one chance at love."
"Oh?" She turns her head to study the woman, admiring her side profile. How she missed her.
She's quiet, too quiet for Emma's liking, and they lie there unmoving while the silence drowns out everything Regina might want to voice out loud, and Emma feels like asking.
Regina traced the faces on her photo with a deep sense of longing. She had never been a nostalgic person per se, but just then, she allowed herself to drown in the familiar emotions of her past, even wishing she could relive the captured moment with her son and his birth mother one more time.
She sniffled, not even slightly bothered by her momentary lapse in façade, and tucked the photo safely in the leather duffle bag before resuming her quest to take only the sentimental valuables with her.
"You were really going to leave without saying goodbye?" Her voice, though it did not startle her, did evoke a sudden flutter in her heart.
"Damn it, Hook." She muttered barely above a whisper. "He told you." She didn't bother to look up as she continued to place items in her bag, missing Emma's exasperated nod. "What did he tell you?"
"That you were leaving Storybrooke to follow Henry." Emma swallowed. "Why?"
"Why not?" Regina thumbed through one of her mother's books and blew off the many layers of dust its surface had collected before carefully placing it in the bag.
"This changes things." Emma responded so quickly that Regina couldn't help but avert her eyes to study the woman.
Her browns knitted in question. "How so, Ms. Swan?"
"I-" She struggled. "If you leave Storybrooke, I won't be able to track you, let alone communicate with you." Her shoulders slumped in defeat.
"You'll be busy with your own life to worry about mine...Henry's and mine." Regina shrugged it off before moving back to her task.
"Regina..."
"Ms. Swan..."
"And we're back to that." Emma sighed.
"Mrs. Jones." Regina corrected with a hand gesture. "I apologize."
"Regina, please."
"Emma." She placed the bag on the chest before turning to face her, her face devoid of emotion. "Why are you here? You should be halfway to another realm by now. Please, leave. Don't make it harder than it already is."
"I wanted to-"
"Goodbye, Emma." Regina nodded. "Go, Hook is probably pacing the deck as we speak."
"Killian." Emma corrected.
"Killian." Regina nodded once more. "Who has already been made privy of the consequences should anything happen to you." She smiled before looking away to avoid letting Emma in on the tears that threatened to form. "Not that you need anybody to defend your honor. You're very capable."
They stood surrounded by silence, Regina feeling the sudden need to busy herself.
"Except when it came to him." Emma broke the silence, and the woman face deep in leather stiffened.
"I didn't say that." She uttered, her words sounding off the concrete wall she faced.
Emma puffed in frustration. "You didn't have to." She sighed. "For the past year I have seen it in your eyes, I have seen it in your expressions, I have heard it in your tone."
Regina froze, uncertain and unwilling to give an inch of ground in this their latest, possibly last, exchange.
"Say something." Emma begged when she received no acknowledgement or argument.
"There's nothing left to say." Regina cut in. "Please go." Her veins vibrated beneath her skin as anger ran its course. Emma's admission, while touching to say the least, confirmed that she had been aware of Regina's emotions for over a year, and the idiot had decided to do nothing with that information.
"I know you think that I've made a mistake, but you're wrong. I love him."
"That's all I wish for you, for you to be happy."
"Will I be happy?"
"I can't answer that for you."
"Damn it, Regina." Emma's palms flattened against the wooden table as she looked irritatingly at the brunette who finally chose to face her.
"There she is." Regina grinned.
"You think I've changed." Emma stated with a disappointed expression on her face.
"I know you have." She lifted her hand to silence the rebuttal before she continued. "That's not necessarily bad. You're in love. You've adjusted to being part of a pair. You've gone your entire life being a party of one, you aren't anymore."
"I'm an individual who can make her own choices."
"I never said you weren't, Ms.- Emma." Regina shook her head.
"Why?" Emma shook her own head.
"Why what?" Regina's voice escalated as she felt attacked.
"I wish you would have said something sooner."
"Said what?"
"How you felt."
"You said it yourself, it was hardly a secret." She smiled with a taunting glare. "You could see it in my eyes." She paused to gather more ammo. "And you're capable of making your own choices. You chose to be happy with him. So be it."
"Fuck." Emma ran a hand through her hair. "I wish you would have said something."
"Please." Regina scoffed. "Your parents tried to dissuade you before they were charmed by the pirate, and I wasn't about to involve myself in that fiasco." She looked pensively at the blonde. "Are you saying you regret marrying him?"
Emma shook her head. "I don't...no. I don't." She stated resolutely.
Regina could sense her dueling mind and nodded in understanding. "You love him. He loves you. It's your happy ending, neither your parents nor I can or should impede that. I separated you from your happy ending once, I refuse to do it again. I won't." She sighed, upset that it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold it together.
"Regina." Emma cried, threatening to reach out to comfort and be comforted.
"Go, Emma." Regina implored with red eyes and distance. "I'll make sure Henry checks in whenever he can."
"What about you?" Emma asked with a watery expression.
"I'll be alright. Don't worry about me."
"I'll always worry about you." Emma deadpanned.
"Likewise, Ms. Swan." Regina smiled softly.
"Fine." She nods. "For what it's worth," She levels a look at her that makes Regina's heart flutter again. "I love you."
Regina felt heavy. Her knees weakened by such words being set free from that mouth. And although she knew Emma's love was not what she wished it was, she rejoiced in the words regardless. They had never barred so much in the years they had known each other, and she allowed all of the emotions to wash over her.
And when she came to, she realized Emma was nearly out of the crypt and out of her life forever. "I love you too, Emma."
She did.
For some maddening reason, her entire heart belonged to her, and it tightened and ached with each step that began to separate them.
Emma stopped to turn, her lips forming that all-familiar smile that was solely reserved for their private moments and confessions.
Regina swallows the lump in her throat when she comes back from her memories. She reflexively squeezes Emma's hand before shaking her head clear. "You know, it doesn't matter." She starts. "I had a chance, and it didn't work out. Neither of us was ready for what could have been, and now it's too late to explore where we might have gone."
"You and who?" Emma is curious with a nervous energy that begins in her gut and moves up into her lungs, restricting the amount of air she takes in and breathes out.
"Me and no one." Regina rolls her eyes in the darkened space, her old office, which holds every confrontation and moment of elation alike, and it is the only witness to the tears that roll down her temples and into her hair. "In all honesty, I wasn't clear enough when I made an attempt to finally take the leap, and my message was interpreted as something tragically platonic."
"Maybe you should try again. You said it yourself, things change. Maybe this time it will work out, you just have to be clear about what you want." Emma advised.
Regina doesn't fight the strangled sound that bubbles up from deepest part of her soul. It's half sob and half maniacal chuckle. She wants to expend the frustration, but cannot formulate a healthy outlet. So, she resorts to that sound, and Emma cannot help but cringe with sympathy. She squeezes her hand again, and looks warily at the woman. She waits for a clue that Regina will speak.
They stare at each other, quietly, and Emma manages to see the tears now. "Regina." It's her voice, but it is so strained she surprises herself. Something inside is asking her to say something she's afraid to speak.
The brunette shakes her head. She wants to look at anything except Emma's eyes, but she doesn't. So many years later and she still has no defense for that look that urges her to speak and let loose what her heart holds captive. "There's no going back." She smiles a tearful smile.
"Try." She implores.
"Too much has changed. It's no longer just two lives that are eternally bound and would be affected. I can't break what's been gained. I won't." Emma gasps softly at her words, their tone eliciting memories of a moment long ago lived. "All I can hope for is less time in between the silence and absence that weighs me down and relief...joy." Regina mouths as she squeezes, holds on to Emma's hand for dear life.
They're both on the same page now. Fortunately and unfortunately.
Emma is openly crying now, tears gliding down the bridge of her nose as she looks longingly at Regina. "You can't live a life where you resort to stolen moments of happiness." Emma shakes her head, but she offers no better option. Because she isn't sure there is one, not anymore.
"It's worth it." Her tears break free, and Emma sighs with her own tearful smile. "It will always be worth it."
"For the record..." Emma swipes at her face and sniffles before continuing. "I still love you."
Regina closes her eyes, accepts the words and files them away somewhere in her heart next to the same words that were spoken by Daniel so long ago, Henry's when he finally accepted who she was and was fighting to become, and the first time she heard Emma say them. She vowed to keep them safe until her dying breath. "You will never understand the depth of what my heart feels for you, Emma." She whispers back. "And I am sorry for that."
Emma cries, and Regina holds on only by a thread as she wipes at her own silent tears before turning to face her.
They each suspire, taking in each other's essence as their tear-soaked noses almost touch.
"I believe it in my heart, Regina, that someday...somehow...you will get your chance." She nearly hiccups as she suppresses a gut-wrenching sob. As a result, her ribcage vibrates on the verge of combustion. It literally hurts to accept that at least for now, Regina's and her heart can beat next to each other only during their fleeting encounters.
"Maybe in another life time." Regina stares forlornly back at her, refusing against the hope that bubbles near the surface.
Emma's made up her mind. She will continue to live her life, enjoy and appreciate her family, but she will also continue to make time to hideaway in the hut. Because within that hut exists a path not traveled which promises to lead to another lifetime of happiness. She will nourish it, she will bask in it, and she will hold it dear until their time comes.
"I'll be here." Emma whispers in the dark. "As long as it takes."
.
I hope that this is not interpreted as Emma and Regina living life waiting for some unfortunate event to finally set Emma free. Rather, as an opportunity for them to continue to build on what they already have. Where they fully understand that the bond they have transcends time and or physical planes. They will enjoy each other's company, and though they aren't sure if and when they will ever get that chance, they will love each other as best as they can. Hope you all enjoyed it!
