In which Frank doesn't need to magically turn buff to be awesome guys- I love cuddly teddy bear Frank and you can pry him from my cold dead hands. Also, I may not be able to update for a few days, just warning you guys.
Replies:
Undeath9087: Yeah, they were typo's, sorry about that! And yeah, for the seven they don't automatically think of Hades wife, they think of Percy and that is not fun for them right now.
Weirdhead: I dunno about unpunished.
Drizzle: Badass Frank is good- I just don't think he needs to be buff for that.
Guest: I can't blame you it's not one of the most fun bits in my opinion.
Akitoshthebold: Should be fun.

"Your right python?" Frank desperately tried to think- there had to be something he could do to get out of this mess.
He watched Trip march over to his winged chariot and hopped in. He pulled a lever, and the wings began to flap. The spotted python on the left wheel opened his eyes. He started to writhe, coiling around the axle like a spring. The chariot whirred into motion, but the right wheel stayed in place, so Triptolemus spun in circles, the chariot beating its wings and bouncing up and down like a defective merry-go-round.

"You see?" he said as he spun. "No good! Ever since I lost my right python, I haven't been able to spread the word about farming—at least not in person. Now I have to resort to giving online courses."

"What?" As soon as he said it, Frank was sorry he'd asked.

Trip hopped off the chariot while it was still spinning. The python slowed to a stop and went back to snoring. Trip jogged over to the line of computers. He tapped the keyboards and the screens woke up, displaying a Web site in maroon and gold, with a picture of a happy farmer in a toga and a John Deere cap, standing with his bronze scythe in a field of wheat.

"Triptolemus Farming University!" he announced proudly. "In just six weeks, you can get your bachelor's degree in the exciting and vibrant career of the future—farming!"

Frank felt a bead of sweat trickle down his cheek. He didn't care about this crazy god or his snake-powered chariot or his online degree program. But Hazel was turning greener by the moment. Bianca was a corn plant. And he was alone.

"Look," he said. "We did bring you the almanac. And my friends are really nice. They're not like those other children of Hades you've met. So if there's any way—"

"Oh!" Trip snapped his fingers. "I see where you're going!"

"Uh…you do?"

"Absolutely! If I cure your friend Hazel and return the other one-"

"Bianca-"

"If I return her to normal..."

Frank hesitated. "Yes?"

"Then in exchange, you stay with me and take up farming! A child of Mars as my apprentice? It's perfect! What a spokesman you'll be. We can beat swords into ploughshares and have so much fun!"

"Actually…" Frank tried frantically to come up with a plan. Ares and Mars screamed in his head, Swords! Guns! Massive ka-booms!

If he declined Trip's offer, Frank figured he would offend the guy and end up as sorghum or wheat or some other cash crop.

If it was the only way to save Hazel, then sure, he could agree to Trip's demands and become a farmer. But that couldn't be the only way. Frank refused to believe he'd been chosen by the Fates to go on this quest just so he could take online courses in turnip cultivation.

Frank's eyes wandered to the broken chariot. "I have a better offer," he blurted out. "I can fix that."

Trip's smile melted. "Fix…my chariot?"

Frank wanted to kick himself. What was he thinking? He wasn't Leo. He couldn't even figure out a stupid pair of Chinese handcuffs on his own. He could barely change the batteries in a TV remote. He couldn't fix a magical chariot!

But something told him it was his only chance. That chariot was the one thing Triptolemus might really want.

"I'll go find a way to fix the chariot," he said. "In return, you fix Bianca and Hazel. Let us go in peace. And—and give us whatever aid you can to defeat Gaea's forces."

Triptolemus laughed. "What makes you think I can aid you with that?"

"Hecate told us so," Frank said. "She sent us here. She—she decided Hazel is one of her favorites."

The color drained from Trip's face. "Hecate?"

Frank hoped he wasn't overstating things. He didn't need Hecate mad at him too. But if Triptolemus and Hecate were both friends of Demeter, maybe that would convince Trip to help.

"The goddess guided us to your almanac in Bologna," Frank said. "She wanted us to return it to you, because…well, she must've known you had some knowledge that would help us get through the House of Hades in Epirus."

Trip nodded slowly. "Yes. I see. I know why Hecate sent you to me. Very well, son of Mars. Go find a way to fix my chariot. If you succeed, I will do all you ask. If not—"

"I know," Frank grumbled. "My friends die."

"Yes," Trip said cheerfully. "And you'll make a lovely patch of sorghum!"

Frank stumbled out of the black house. The door shut behind him, and he collapsed against the wall, overcome with guilt. Fortunately the katoblepones had cleared off, or he might have just sat there and let them trample him. He deserved nothing better. He'd left Hazel inside, dying and defenceless, at the mercy of a crazy farmer god.

Kill farmers! Ares screamed in his head.

Return to the legion and fight Greeks! Mars said. What are we doing here?

Killing farmers! Ares screamed back.

"Shut up!" Frank yelled aloud. "Both of you!"

A couple of old ladies with shopping bags shuffled past. They gave Frank a strange look, muttered something in Italian, and kept going.

Frank stared miserably at Hazel's cavalry sword, lying at his feet next to his backpack.

Maybe if he went back to the Argo II he could get Annabeth- she was the most likely to know how to fix this- and gods but if Leo was here he'd probably already have done it. The son of Hepheastus had been a little crazy but he was a damn good mechanic.

Then again it wasn't a mechanical problem was it. The chariot was missing a serpent.

It was the voices in his head that had given him what he'd needed- if he could prove himself by getting rid of all of the katoblepones. Of course it hadn't been easy, it had been very dangerous.

He'd covered himself in the monsters food, transformed into a lion and had rounded them up, used himself as bait and drew them to him- and then he'd transformed again, killed some, and took off again- and they kept following him, more and more of them- he'd transform, escape, lead them further on, transform and then kill some more, over and over again until he was exhausted, but he'd kept going, killing monster after monster after monster until there was only one left, which was when he'd called his father, and the god actually came through, the final monster was transformed into a brown Burmese python.

His father had shown himself then- had almost seemed proud- until the whole split personality thing had caused him to lose it- at which point Frank had scooped up the snake and transformed into a giant eagle and he returned to the house of Triptolemus.

"You found one!" the farmer god exclaimed when Frank arrived, clearly surprised and pleased.

Frank ignored him. He stormed into La Casa Nera, dragging the python by its tail like a very strange Santa Claus bag, and dropped it next to the bed. He knelt at Hazel's side.

She was still alive—green and shivering, barely breathing, but alive. As for Bianca, she was still a corn plant.

"Heal them," Frank said. "Now."

Triptolemus crossed his arms. "How do I know the snake will work?"

Frank gritted his teeth. Since the explosion on the bridge, the voices of the war god had gone silent in his head, but he still felt their combined anger churning inside him. "The snake is a gift from Mars," Frank growled. "It will work."

As if on cue, the Burmese python slithered over to the chariot and wrapped itself around the right wheel. The other snake woke up. The two serpents checked each other out, touching noses, then turned their wheels in unison. The chariot inched forward, its wings flapping.

"You see?" Frank said. "Now, heal my friends!"

Triptolemus tapped his chin. "Well, thank you for the snake, but I'm not sure I like your tone, demigod. Perhaps I'll turn you into—"

Frank was faster. He lunged at Trip and slammed him into the wall, his fingers locked around the god's throat.

"Think about your next words," Frank warned, deadly calm. "Or instead of beating my sword into a ploughshare, I will beat it into your head."

Frank had never felt like this before, never felt this angry. But someone he loved was in danger.

Triptolemus gulped. "You know…I think I'll heal your friends."

"Swear it on the River Styx."

"I swear it on the River Styx."

Frank released him. Triptolemus touched his throat, as if making sure it was still there. He gave Frank a nervous smile, edged around him, and scurried off to the front room. "Just—just gathering herbs!"

Frank watched as the god picked leaves and roots and crushed them in a mortar. He rolled a pill-sized ball of green goop and jogged to Hazel's side. He placed the gunk ball under Hazel's tongue.

Instantly, she shuddered and sat up, coughing. Her eyes flew open. The greenish tint in her skin disappeared.

She looked around, bewildered, until she saw Frank. "What—?"

Frank tackled her in a hug. "You're going to be fine," he said fiercely. "Everything is fine."

"But…" Hazel gripped his shoulders and stared at him in amazement. "Frank, what happened? You-"

"It's a long story." Frank shook his head, "It doesn't matter right now." He rested his forehead against Hazels. "You're safe. That's what matters-" he turned his head then, "And we're not done yet. Heal Bianca." The farm god rolled his eyes.

He pointed at the corn plant, and BAM! Bianca appeared in an explosion of corn silk.

Bianca looked around frantically, "Hazel! I- Frank what-"

"Everything's fine." Frank told him before his gaze shifted to the god. "Triptolemus was about to tell us how to survive the House of Hades. Weren't you, Trip?"

The farm god raised his eyes to the ceiling, like, Why me, Demeter?

"Fine," Trip said. "When you arrive at Epirus, you will be offered a chalice to drink from."

"Offered by whom?" Nico asked.

"Doesn't matter," Trip snapped. "Just know that it is filled with deadly poison."

Hazel shuddered. "So you're saying that we shouldn't drink it."

"No!" Trip said. "You must drink it, or you'll never be able to make it through the temple. The poison connects you to the world of the dead, lets you pass into the lower levels. The secret to surviving is"—his eyes twinkled—"barley."

Frank stared at him. "Barley."

"In the front room, take some of my special barley. Make it into little cakes. Eat these before you step into the House of Hades. The barley will absorb the worst of the poison, so it will affect you, but not kill you."

"That's it?" Bianca asked incredulously, "Hecate sent us halfway across Italy so you could tell us to eat barley?"

"Good luck!" Triptolemus sprinted across the room and hopped in his chariot. "And, Frank Zhang, I forgive you! You've got spunk. If you ever change your mind, my offer is open. I'd love to see you get a degree in farming!"

"Yeah," Frank muttered. "Thanks."

The god pulled a lever on his chariot. The snake-wheels turned. The wings flapped. At the back of the room, the garage doors rolled open.

"Oh, to be mobile again!" Trip cried. "So many ignorant lands in need of my knowledge. I will teach them the glories of tilling, irrigation, fertilizing!" The chariot lifted off and zipped out of the house, Triptolemus shouting to the sky, "Away, my serpents! Away!"

"That," Hazel said, "was very strange."

"Tell me about it." Frank muttered the words, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"What happened?" Hazel's voice was soft- and of course she could tell that he was upset. She could always tell.

"Can I tell you later?" his voice was soft, and he tried to ignore the way that Bianca was watching them, that knowing
slightly concerned look on her face."

"Of course." she kissed his cheek gently. "Let's get the Barley and get out of here."