—-

I have a dream, a fantasy

To help me through, reality

And my destination, makes it worth the while

Pushin' through the darkness, still another mile…

…When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream, I have a dream

-ABBA, I Have a Dream

—-

Chapter Two: Across The Sea

Juliet awoke to the sound of groaning. Immediately, her heart began to race; it sounded like someone was hurt. She sat straight up in bed, alert, but saw no one in the still-dark room but her and James.

James.

Her gaze darted over to him. He was struggling against the covers, his hands balled into fists at his side. He seemed to be having a nightmare.

Juliet didn't know what to do. They weren't even friends, so touching him and comforting him felt like crossing a line. But leaving him there to suffer didn't feel right either. As she weighed her options, he continued to thrash until she couldn't take it anymore. She rose from her bed and padded over to his. She sat on the edge and reached out a hand to grip his bare shoulder.

"James? James, wake up," she whispered. She didn't want to startle him, but he didn't budge. "James!" she said a little more loudly, and then the next thing she knew, she was seeing stars.

James sat up, breathing hard and shaking like a leaf. His eyes were wild and his mind was racing. He saw Juliet standing over him, clutching her jaw, and that's when he noticed the pain in his knuckles. Realization dawned on him and his breathing became even more labored as panic settled in.

"Juliet?" he rasped. "What - I didn't - "

She sat back down next to him and placed a warm hand on his shoulder. His muscles felt twitchy and wrong as they spasmed out of his control. He desperately tried to slow his breathing, gulping down lungfuls of air, until she placed another hand on his other shoulder, pushing him back down onto the bed, grounding him.

"Shhh, it's okay…" she breathed.

"Did I - Did I hit you?" he asked, astounded. Her eyes looked pained but she didn't respond. "Ah, shit. I didn't mean - I'd never - "

"James, it's okay. You were having a nightmare. You didn't mean to, I know." Her voice was hard, but not unkind. She rubbed her hands up and down his shoulders, the motion repetitive and soothing.

"Fuck," he growled angrily. She'd been trying to help him and he fucking punched her. Asleep or not, he felt hot shame burning in his gut. He lifted his hand to try and look at her jaw, but she twisted her chin away from him. The room was still dark, but the lamplight outside provided a soft, yellow glow coming in through the blinds. He thought it would be enough to see the damage, but her face was tilted slightly so he couldn't see.

"I've had worse," she pointed out wryly. "Don't worry about it."

Soon, his breathing had evened out and he felt his body relax, his energy completely sapped. She pulled back, removing her hands from him, leaving nothing behind but the ghost of her touch. It felt wrong to him, somehow - this empty feeling.

"Juliet, I'm sorry," he croaked, apologizing once more because the guilt still had not receded.

She stood once more, leaving yet another empty space, and shook her head. "It's okay, don't worry about it. Do you want to talk about it? Your nightmare?" She crossed her arms over her stomach as she looked down on him, her head still cocked to the side.

He didn't. He really didn't. And yet - the words came out anyway. "I jumped… from the damn helicopter. And the ocean was suckin' me down. I couldn't swim up, no matter how hard I tried. I was drowning." He took another steadying breath, staring at the ceiling.

She nodded, like she understood the feeling. "That must have been terrifying."

James grunted. Then the realization of what was happening right now settled over him and he came to his senses. It felt too intimate, this conversation. Jesus, she'd been touching him for several minutes and he'd hardly noticed or cared. Despite himself, he shivered at the memory, and swallowed hard. He didn't want to talk to her about any of this. He didn't want to talk to her at all. "Good night," he grumbled, and rolled over onto his side, facing away from her. "Sorry for wakin' you." He knew he was being abrupt, and irrational, and downright rude to someone who'd just spent the last five minutes soothing him, but it was Juliet for Christ's sake. Since when did he let her comfort him?

Juliet knew a dismissal when she saw one. It hurt, seeing him turn his back on her. After their long talk the day before, she'd hoped they could at least be cordial, friendly. But like the flip of a switch, she saw Sawyer take over and shut her out, and she knew it was time to go back to bed.

Her jaw ached, and when she tried to rub it, it felt tender, like it had already begun to bruise. She didn't feel any blood, nor did she see any when she pulled her hand away, so she settled back into her own bed without another word.

Her hands tingled from where they'd touched him. She regretted it, certainly; she regretted everything about their interaction. She never should have laid a hand on him. If she hadn't, she wouldn't be lying on her left side instead of her right, like she preferred. Now she had to face him, which only reminded her of the rejection of him turning his back on her when she'd only been trying to help.

Idly, she wondered if that was how it was going to be with them. Her trying to be nice to him, and him feeling too - angry? Hateful? Embarrassed? - to accept her offer of friendship. She supposed she couldn't blame him, not really. After all, she had kept him in a cage. She'd held a gun to his girlfriend's head. She'd tricked them, played with them, and more than earned their distrust.

So then why did he ask her to stay? Why did he even care? She was certain when she left on the next sub that he would find another sidekick to kick around. She assumed it would be Miles; those two were far too much alike. Soon, she began to drift back off to sleep, content in the fact that in another thirteen days, she'd never have to worry about him again.

—-

The next morning, Juliet was once again the last to rise. James's bed was made, a ridiculous contrast to how she'd last seen it. In the back of her mind, she wondered why he'd even bothered. Briefly, she wondered if he'd looked at her while she slept. It made her feel uneasy.

She went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and padded out into the living room. The guys were dressed and ready, and she wondered why they didn't wake her up sooner.

"Whoa! Jesus, what happened to you last night?" Miles jeered. Instinctively, Juliet's fingers rose to her cheek, grazing along the tender flesh of her jaw.

James looked down at his lap, refusing to make eye contact. Juliet didn't want to rat him out, he seemed to feel bad enough about it already, so she tried to think of a convincing lie. "I tripped in the jungle yesterday. It just took a while for a bruise to form." It was lame, and she was certain everyone could see right through it, but she didn't know how else to explain it. She'd eyed it in the bathroom mirror moments ago, and it did look swollen and pale purple. There was no hiding it.

"Yeah, sure. Tripped. Whatever. Hey, whatever you and Jim are doin' for foreplay, it's none of my business," Miles said as he held his hands up in mock surrender.

"It ain't like that," James suddenly growled, and it only added to Juliet's humiliation. "We ain't a thing." Of course they weren't. Because he was clearly remembering all the reasons why he should hate her. Now that the shock of surviving time travel has worn off, she supposed it wouldn't be long now before he starts to doubt her again. Jin, too.

Desperate to change the subject, Juliet cleared her throat and spoke up. "Why didn't you guys wake me? Clearly you're all ready to go."

"Sawyer say not to," Jin explained, clearly annoyed.

"I told ya, Jin. Ya can't call me Sawyer anymore here," James sighed, exasperated.

"Then what?" Jin responded sourly.

"I don't care. Just… not Sawyer. It ain't my name here. Not anymore." He tried looking up at Juliet, but her gaze was focused on Daniel, who was sitting on the couch writing.

"Jim?" Miles suggested.

James wrinkled his nose in distaste. He hadn't been called Jimmy since he was a little kid. But he supposed it was better than James. "Sure, I don't care. Jim's fine."

"You don't look like a Jim," Miles stated plainly. It made Juliet snort, as she remembered their conversation the day prior about her not looking like a 'Julie.' She shook her head and headed back into her bedroom to change. "Why did you make us wait on her?" Miles asked once she was gone.

"Cuz. I said it already. We're a team now. Gotta present a united front."

"Oh sure. United. Definitely." Miles's sarcasm ran deep, and it chafed against James's patience. When Juliet returned, the group trudged off to breakfast, none of them looking forward to another day tromping around the jungle.

As with their first day of patrol, they were escorted to the pylons by security. This time, however, Juliet spoke first. "I'll patrol with Jin today," she announced, ignoring the flash of hurt across James's face. She didn't care whether he was hurt or annoyed or angry or happy - she didn't want to be paired with him.

Jin, hearing his name, nodded and dutifully stood next to Juliet. He didn't seem to mind. Miles, however, elbowed James in the ribs and said, "Lucky you, stuck with me. Guess you must have done something to end up in the doghouse, huh Jim?" James stuck out a hand and shoved Miles before grumbling to himself and walking away.

Juliet wanted to be alone, and being with Jin seemed like the easiest way to do that. She knew he wasn't the talkative type, and she figured patrolling together would give her the time she needed to think.

She didn't even know where to begin. Everything felt like a tangled mess in her brain, like a necklace shoved to the bottom of a jewelry box. As soon as she untied one end, she'd discover another knot, until eventually it just didn't even feel worth it anymore, trying to unravel it all.

But she needed this. She needed to think. She couldn't think yesterday, with James cajoling her and making her nervous. So she made a mental list of all the things she needed to figure out. It made her envy Daniel, who got to stay behind. He had his journal. She only had her mind.

Item number one: this morning. Why had James asked them to let her sleep? First he punches her, and feels so bad for it that he stammers an apology (and he never stammers), clearly desperate for her to understand he didn't mean it. Then, he gets so agitated after she asked about his nightmare that he slipped his mask back into place and shunned her attempt at kindness. Then, he feels bad about that, that he lets her sleep in, knowing she'd likely still be in pain? What the hell was any of that about? Clearly, she was making assumptions about all this, but it was all she had to go off of. It's not like he'd ever tell her upfront about how he was feeling. But why the back and forth, hot and cold? Did he want to be friends or not? Did he forgive her for what she'd done to him or didn't he? It was frustrating and confusing and she was no closer to understanding him or his behavior than she was when she first started ruminating on the subject to begin with. So she moved on.

Item number two: the foreplay comment. Seriously - what vibe were they giving off that both Horace and Miles felt it appropriate to make jokes about her and James being together? She was certain he'd rather cut off his own arm than go anywhere near her, and she certainly didn't want him either. Would she mind being friends with him? No. Did she think he was terrifying and untrustworthy and generally a jackass? Absolutely. Sure, they got each other's backs when needed. She could admit they'd formed some kind of partnership in that regard, of course. But there was absolutely nothing remotely sexual between them, and there never would be. So why the comments? How did she set the record straight once and for all?

She supposed she could be an asshole to him right back? But that might be complicated, seeing as they were now temporary roommates. And she didn't want to give him any more of a reason to suffocate her in her sleep than he already had. Plus, isn't that the whole joke about having a crush on someone? You treat them like shit when you don't know how else to show your affections? She certainly didn't have a crush on him, and didn't want her sudden change in behavior to sway anyone to that line of logic, either. Perhaps she could be cold. It worked before. If the Others taught her anything, it was how to show complete indifference. It was the sharpest tool in her toolbox - her controlled, frigid demeanor. Yes - that could work.

Item number three: how to get off this island. This was perhaps the most important line of thinking of all. After all, she didn't need to think about James or what anyone thought of her (or them) if she ultimately left them here. And she planned to. She needed to. Despite everything James had said about there being nothing out there for her, she couldn't stay here anymore.

Tears pricked the backs of her eyes as she thought about Rachel. Surely, if she were here, she would understand. Whatever crazy, cosmic phenomenon that brought her here was unlikely to ever happen again, which meant she'd be stuck in the past forever. If she couldn't get home to her own time, then truly, seeing Rachel again at the right age was lost forever. She envisioned herself in her sixties, driving to the airport just moments after Rachel dropped her off. Hugging her again, but suddenly thirty years older; trying to explain to Rachel what had happened and why she wasn't the same. For a moment, she wondered if she could show up even earlier, and prevent herself from ever leaving in the first place. It went against Daniel's theory of 'whatever happened, happened,' but it would be worth a try, wouldn't it?

But she would have to wait a very long time to ever get that chance. And she'd have to do it alone. And that thought scared her more than anything.

So - how to get off the island and back across the ocean. The answer was clearly taking the next sub offered by Horace. Okay, so she would bring some clothes with her. It was late May, so she didn't think she would need a coat just yet in Michigan, where they'd drop her off. She wondered if they'd give her any money for a bus ticket. But if they did, where would she go? She had no bank accounts, no ID, nothing.

She could possibly get a fake ID? She had one in college. But where would she go to get one? She could ask around, maybe. Surely someone in a college town in the 70s would know a place. So, assuming she got one - where would she stay? Perhaps the Dharma Initiative had job openings that weren't on the island. Perhaps she could get a job with them, use the money for a hotel at first, and then maybe an apartment. Once she saved up enough, maybe she could quit the D.I. and move somewhere warmer. But without a social security number, how could she ever apply for anything like a loan or a mortgage? She'd have to pay for everything with cash.

Suddenly the panic began to consume her, crawling under her skin and making her nauseous. There were too many 'what-if's' with this plan. Each thing was contingent on something else, so if one thing went wrong, she'd be screwed. She tried to think back in her memory - had anyone ever come to visit her parents and stayed for a while? Maybe that is what she could do - take a bus to Virginia where they were living and explain everything to them. Perhaps if she could prove her identity, they'd take her in.

But no. She couldn't recall anyone living with them when she was a girl. It all felt so hopeless. Her desperation and anxiety and fear began to bubble inside her, wrapping anger and resentment around her heart so tightly she needed to sit down.

She plopped down on a nearby rock and put her head in her hands. She was shaking from the swirling tornado of emotions wracking her body. She just wanted to scream.

"Are you okay?" Jin asked slowly, piecing together the sentence in fragmented, accented English.

Juliet began to cry. She couldn't help it. It was all too much. He placed a tentative hand on her shoulder and she just cried harder. She couldn't stand his kindness.

Perhaps that was how James felt last night. Perhaps he felt like he was undeserving of her kindness, as she felt undeserving of Jin's.

"I'm - I'm fine," she breathed. "I just… need a moment…"

Instead of leaving her alone, he sat on the jungle floor beside her. He drank from his canteen before offering her some. It broke her, and she pulled her knees up to her face after politely turning down his offer.

After a few minutes, her sobbing subsided, and she wiped her cheeks with the heels of her hands. Her jaw hurt, though it felt better than it had this morning, and she took deep, steadying breaths trying to calm down.

"You want talk?" Jin asked, giving her the opportunity to let out whatever thoughts had clearly been plaguing her.

She thought about it. She could ramble on and on, but she didn't know how much he'd understand. Perhaps it was best that way, having a friend that barely understood you. She could rant and rave like a crazy person and he'd only listen, without giving any feedback or making her feel worse.

But she shook her head, declining. She'd been enough of a burden on him already by making them stop. She knew he was anxious to keep looking, always hoping to find Sun.

Jin eyed her, seemingly deep in thought himself. "You think… Sun okay?" he asked delicately, like he was afraid of her answer. It took her by surprise. She didn't think he cared much for what she thought.

She sniffed, and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I do. I think she made it off the island, and I think she'll be okay." Her voice sounded dead in her ears; completely flat and dull. She hoped it didn't dissuade him from believing her.

"And… baby?" he asked again.

"The pregnancy was healthy, Jin. As long as she got off the island, the baby should be just fine," she assured him. And she meant it. Her goal had been to get Sun off the island, and she'd succeeded. At least there was that.

Jin considered her words before nodding and standing up. "Thank you. You save Sun. Make her go. Baby will live." He looked down on her and smiled. It seemed whatever ill will he'd once had towards her, maybe it was fading. He held out a hand to her. She didn't need to take it in order to stand, but it felt symbolic somehow. Like maybe it was a peace offering. She took it, and they soon resumed their search.

—-

Meanwhile, James was pissed that he was stuck with Miles on their patrol. He just wouldn't shut up. For a while, it had just been about his thoughts on being in the 70s, especially because he hadn't been born yet, which he thought was weird. Then, it was talking shit about Horace and that weirdo security guy who always escorted them, Phil. But the final straw was when Miles began to inquire about Juliet. James did not want to talk about Juliet.

"So you like her or what?" Miles asked nonchalantly, playing with a stick in his hand, flipping it around his fingers like it was a baton.

"She's fine," James growled. "Now will you just shut the hell up already?"

"Oh yeah, she is definitely fine indeed. Super sexy, if you ask me. Too sad looking though. Maybe she's lonely. Lookin' for someone to keep her warm at night. Are you gonna do it or can I?"

James whirled on him. "I said. Shut. The hell. Up."

"Oooooh, someone's grouchy. What, punching her wasn't enough? Didn't get all that manly rage out? Gonna punch me now, too?" Miles taunted.

James felt his whole body still. He leaned in close to Miles, and said just under his breath, "It was an accident. Now stop talkin' about her or I swear to God - "

"Why don't you want me talking about her, huh? What's got your panties all in a bunch?"

James shoved him, having had enough. "I just don't."

But Miles rebounded quickly, not taking the (very obvious) hint. "Do you like her or something? Why are you acting so sensitive?"

"I most definitely do not like her. Not even a little bit. One more word about it, and I'll deck you, too, Enos. Then you'n her'll match. Ya want that?" he growled. His whole body was shaking with anger, and he didn't really know why.

Miles rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Jesus, man. Take a chill pill." And for at least ten minutes, there was blissful silence.

James couldn't keep his mind off of what happened last night. One minute he was thinking about Kate, then he was asleep. Then he was dreaming, and falling, and drowning, and the next her face was swimming in front of his eyes. Her touch was firm and comforting and he'd practically bucked her off of him until she laid her hands on him again. It was like she knew what he needed, even when he didn't. How the hell had she done that?

He didn't even remember decking her. He knows he did, but he'd been in a daze. And then he'd hurt her by pushing her away, which he of course regretted too. He was so full of regrets, in fact, he half wondered when they were going to start spilling out of his ears. He was surprised his blood hadn't turned black by now, stained by the overwhelming regret and shame constantly pumping through his veins.

She hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't deserve how he was treating her. But he couldn't help it. He tried to focus on all the things she had done, hoping it would help him justify his actions even a tiny bit. But even then, he couldn't say he didn't understand. From what he'd seen so far, she seemed even more anxious to get off this island than he was. Perhaps there was more to her that he just hadn't yet seen. He asked himself if he still wanted to see it, but he didn't know the answer anymore.

Everything about her befuddled him. Even when she kept him locked up, she offered him water. Despite holding a gun to Kate's head, she'd never actually harmed her. She'd tased him, sure, but he was running. He couldn't really blame her for that. And ever since then - what really had she done to him?

His mind was drawing a blank. He genuinely couldn't think of anything.

Finally, Miles began to talk about random shit again, but at least it was no longer about Juliet. He walked on, resolute in his decision. He was going to try and be nicer to her. After all, he'd been the one to say they were all a team now. If he was going to be their leader, he needed to start acting like it.

—-

That night at dinner, Daniel made an announcement. It was the most they'd heard him say in days.

"I've decided to join the Dharma Initiative," he said plainly. "I spoke with Horace today while you guys were gone. He's going to let me work with the other Physicists in Ann Arbor."

"Oh Daniel, that's wonderful!" Juliet congratulated him. "What made you decide to do that?"

"I am limited with what I can accomplish, here, on the island. If I'm to find a way to get us back to 2004, I need to do it in a lab. I need resources. I think they're going to give me the agency I need to do that."

"You're gonna try and get us back home, Whizkid?" James asked, flabbergasted by the announcement.

"Of course. I might be the only one who can," Daniel responded matter-of-factly.

"Good luck," Miles chortled sarcastically and shoved more spaghetti into his mouth.

"I'll be leaving on the next sub," Daniel added, taking a small bite out of his garlic bread.

"I'll go with you," Juliet breathed. It brought her hope - an answer to all her problems. If she went with Daniel, she wouldn't have to try and survive alone. She could stay with him, work for the D.I. like he was, and figure it all out when she got there. "It'll be great!"

James felt a sharp pain lance through him. He sat back in his chair, watching her. She looked relieved. He didn't know why it hurt to see her so excited to go.

"Nuh-uh. We're supposed to stay here - convince 'em to let us stay… What about what I said?" he asked suddenly, drawing her attention away from Daniel.

"What about it?" she responded coldly. It made him blink in surprise. He hadn't seen this version of her in a long time.

"There's nothin' for ya out there. You know that."

"I do know that. But I also know I can't live on this island forever. I need to try and have some kind of a life."

James didn't know what to say.

"I think it's a great idea, Juliet. I'm more than happy to have you accompany me," Daniel said in that soft way of his. It grated on James's nerves.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Miles and Jin share a look. He didn't know why, but that annoyed him too.

James picked up his tray, and spat, "See you at home," before dumping the contents and leaving the cafeteria.

"What was that about?" Juliet asked aloud, genuinely confused by his rash departure.

Miles snorted. "Nothing. He's fine. He'll get over it."

"Get over what?" she demanded, feeling indignant and out of the loop.

She saw Jin shake his head. "Nothing," he confirmed.

She crossed her arms, suddenly feeling angry, but Daniel placed a gentle hand on her arm. It was light, tentative, as if he wasn't sure he should be touching her. She looked at him, and he tried smiling at her, though it was weak and mild. Her anger dissipated, until there was only a gaping hole left in its wake.

—-

For the next few days, they continued to patrol during the day, and lie around exhausted at night. Daniel had been added into the rotation, which allowed one person at a time a day of rest. They were in charge of staying at the barracks, should one of their people get brought in, but it really only ended up serving as time to recuperate. Miles insisted on taking the first day off, then Juliet, then Jin. James refused to take one.

On Daniel's next day off, he assured Juliet he would speak with Horace about her working with him. She was grateful for his help in securing her a position with the D.I. in Michigan, though it did little to comfort her about the overall impact of the changes she was expecting to happen in her life. She still had over a week to go, and the closer she got to the date, the more real it felt.

When she was on patrol, Juliet insisted on searching with Jin (or Daniel, when Jin was off). She didn't want to be alone with James, when things were still awkward between them. He either acted like he was mad at her, or acted like she wasn't there at all. She didn't know which was worse. It was like no matter what she did, he felt as though his words were wasted on her ears.

At night before bed, she only said 'Goodnight' to him when he said it first; and when he did say it, it sounded forced, like when her mother would make Rachel apologize to her when they were children, even when she didn't mean it. Occasionally, James's nightmares would wake her, too. She didn't want to get socked in the face again, so she would turn on the lamp to wake him up. He'd squint at her through the yellow light, glassy-eyed and confused, and she'd turn the lamp back off again once he was successfully roused.

Whatever was going on between them, it was not lost on the group at large. The tension was palpable and electric. It made everyone uncomfortable, just being in the same room as them. But no one called them out, because no one really knew what to say.

In the evenings, when everyone was showered, full from dinner, and resting, Juliet and Daniel would sit at the small table and talk in low whispers. James couldn't concentrate on his book, because the whispers reminded him of the jungle. Plus, no matter where he sat, she was still too close to him in this small little house. Either she was in his line of sight, or she was behind him and making his hair stand on end with her voice falling upon his skin.

It got so irritating, he finally decided to just read in bed, even though the lighting wasn't as good and all it did was make him sleepy. He needed glasses if he was going to keep this up, but reading was the only thing that distracted him right now.

Juliet pretended not to notice James's irritation, but the huffing and puffing was pretty hard to ignore. She was glad when he'd finally give up and go to their bedroom so she could finally focus on what Daniel was saying.

They'd worked out a great plan so far, based on what they already knew (which was based on Daniel's lengthy conversations with Horace). It turns out, Horace's pride in the D.I. had not been an act on their first night. He truly was a firm believer in its mission, and was more than happy to explain to Daniel how he'd play an integral role in its success.

Daniel kept his promise and mentioned that Juliet wanted to join too, and work with him in Ann Arbor, and Horace had agreed. He wasn't sure what she would do there, but agreed to put in a good word with the home office regardless. Daniel also reminded Horace that they had no identification, as it was lost overboard, and Horace agreed to arrange something for them once they returned.

Juliet was quite impressed with his initiative so far. He may appear despondent and a little mad at times, but Juliet knew Daniel was absolutely brilliant. If anyone could figure out a way to get back to their time, he could.

Which, only sowed more doubt. She was so conflicted, she wanted to rip her hair out. On the one hand, she trusted that Daniel would find a way out of this. If he did, did she really want to leave the island? Staying was her only way back to her time. But how long would it take him to figure it out, anyway? Did she really want to sit around waiting, potentially for years? She was so excited at the prospect of leaving. She didn't want to stay. But it was impossible to decide. In Michigan, at least she would have Dan as a friend. Here, she'd have James and Miles, who clearly disliked her, and Jin, who seemed to at least tolerate her. When she looked at it like that, was it really even a choice?

Every night she'd lie in bed, counting down the days. It both frightened her and soothed her to know that no matter what happened, soon it would all be over.

Her mother always used to say: How do you eat an elephant? (And Juliet would screw up her face in disgust, proclaiming she'd never eat an elephant). But her mother would simply smile and sing-song the answer: one bite at a time. Nothing about her situation was easy, but she just had to take it one day at a time.

She could do that. She was the one with the control here. She got to be the one to decide her fate. Not Ben. Not Ed. Not James. Her. And as she drifted off to sleep, she felt confident that no matter what, she'd pick what felt right in her heart.

—-

There were five days left before the sub was set to arrive, and James was more irritable by the day. Even Jin, who was pretty tolerant of James's outbursts, stayed away from him. Every time Juliet happened to glance at James's face, there was a permanent scowl line in between his eyebrows. At this rate, she wondered if that line would ever fade away.

Horace checked in on them at breakfast, having learned their routine by now. He asked them for an update, and their disappointed faces said it all. They hadn't found any traces of anything or anyone. There was no need to even lie. They all felt the heavy burden of this fact and wore it on their faces like a Shakespearean tragedy mask.

He sighed and clasped his hands in front of him before rocking back and forth on his heels. He seemed to be debating whether or not he should tell them something. All eyes were on him, and at James's insistence, Horace finally decided to speak. "I know you have suffered heavy losses, and I feel for you. But… I just want you to know, if you haven't found anyone by now, you might not find anyone at all," he cautioned. Jin clenched his fists under the table.

"The hell's that supposed to mean?" James barked.

Horace looked pained, and regretful, as if he'd said too much. "Well, you know. It sounds to me like it was a serious wreck. I'm sure you would have come across survivors by now. If anyone survived, Richard and his people might have found them, in which case they are not allowed back here under any circumstances. You might want to consider giving up." He pursed his lips together, once again looking abashed. There was something else he wasn't saying, Juliet could tell.

James tried to protest, but Juliet kicked his foot under the table and shook her head. She could tell Horace felt sympathy for them, and she thanked him for his kindness and generosity in letting them stay in the first place. She wondered if anyone had thought to thank him yet. She couldn't remember if they had. The days were blurring together - like a watercolor painting, all she could see when she closed her eyes were varying shades of green, brown, and blue.

Bidding them a good day and a fruitful search, Horace took his leave. Once he was gone, James hissed, "What the hell, Blondie?" It was the first time he'd called her that in a while.

"We can't afford to upset him, James. You need him to be on your side so he'll let you stay, and I need him on mine so he'll let me go. Just - play the game. I thought you knew that by now," she scolded. He bristled at her admonition, but tucked back into his breakfast, as ornery as ever.

After breakfast, it was Jin's turn to stay back at the barracks, so he bid them farewell and headed back to the house. Before they even made it to the fence, Miles announced, "I've had enough trekking through the damn jungle with you, Jim. Dan and I will be partners today. Sound good, Dan? Good." Daniel's mouth opened and closed, and he held up a single finger, like he was about to protest, but Miles clapped him on the back and the matter was settled. Daniel smiled apologetically to Juliet, who gritted her teeth and glared at Miles. He paid her no mind.

She supposed it was bound to happen eventually. They'd only patrolled once together; she'd found a way around it every day since. It was going to have to come back around sooner or later. But it didn't mean she liked it.

For a while, surprisingly, they walked through the jungle in silence. The only sounds out of the ordinary were James's heavy breathing. She knew he wasn't out of shape, so she assumed he was just trying to piss her off.

"Can you breathe any heavier? Do we need to take a break? It's only been an hour," she groused.

He scoffed. "I'm doin' just fine, Princess. Didn't mean to breathe in your general vicinity."

"I'm not saying you can't breathe, I'm just wondering why it's so strangled. Seriously, if you can't keep up with me then we can take a break."

"Oh ho ho, I can keep up with you just fine." He paused, suddenly seeing an opportunity here. He grinned deviously. "Ya know, you've been a real bitch lately. That time a' the month?"

She whirled around on him. "Are you kidding me right now?" she asked icily. Her mask slipped right into place as she took the bait, just like he knew it would. He was glad to pick a fight with her. It excited him.

"Why ya gotta be such an ice queen? Ya think any of us are happy to be here? Poor Blondie, didn't get to go home with her boyfriend. Oh, that's right, he left your ass behind, didn't he?" He shook the hair out of his face and leaned in closer, reveling in the cracks forming in her carefully constructed mask. Her eye twitched as she clenched her jaw, and he grinned. "Ya think you're the only one here with problems?" he seethed.

"Oh trust me, James. I know full well what problems you have." Her voice sounded even and controlled, flat and without emotion. It only fueled his rage.

He took a step forward and leaned down into her space. "I bet you do. You and your fuckin' 'files,' huh? Bet you think you know everything there is to know about me, don'tcha?"

"I don't know everything, but I know enough."

"Oh yeah? Like what? Tell me - what the hell do you think you know about me?" he growled, his voice deep and menacing. She hadn't seen him like this in a very long time, if ever.

She swallowed. She wasn't going to take the bait this time. "You're asking me why I've been a bitch to you? What about you, huh? Other than the first 24 hours of being here, you've treated me like shit. What did I DO - to make you so mad?" She tried to keep the facade in place, she really did, but even she heard her voice crack at the end.

In the deep recesses of his mind, he heard a voice whisper: You're going to leave me. But he pushed it aside. Then another little voice called out: You tried to get too close. He'd never, ever admit it, but he saw now: she had a point. She'd comforted him, and it had embarrassed him. He didn't want her sympathy, or her understanding, so he'd pushed her away before she succeeded in climbing inside his mind. There was no room for her in there.

His face softened, but he didn't back down. "I said I was sorry. For punchin' you. I didn't mean it," he said, not answering her question. She scoffed in bewilderment. Clearly he must have thought that was what she meant - that him treating her like garbage equated to one punch when he was half-asleep. She couldn't help but shake her head at the absurdity, and at his idiocy.

"Yeah, I know that. I said that. I forgave you. But that's not what this is about."

"Then what is it about?"

She rolled her eyes. How could he possibly not see it? "I was trying to be a friend to you, and you pushed me out. Then the whole next day, you continued to be a jerk. And you never let up! All this time! You're the one having nightmares, not me." She watched the blow as it landed across his face. He flinched, but didn't give in. "So 'files' or not, I know a hell of a lot more about you than you do about me. And I seem to be doing much better here than you are. I wasn't the only one left behind." she sneered. Kate's face flashed before James's eyes. She'd gone too far. "So you tell me, James - what the hell is wrong with you?"

In the distance, they heard the distinct whistle of a train. Only, there were no trains on the island. They both froze, listening intently. Then the clicking started. Terror shot through their veins and angry or not, James reached out and grabbed her forearm.

"RUN!" he shouted, and they took off, leaving their backpacks on the ground. Several yards behind them, a tree was uprooted and flung to the side. Juliet could hear the blood pounding in her ears and the slapping of their feet across twigs and leaves. They ran, as fast as they could, but it wasn't going to be enough. The monster was gaining on them, and fast. It was getting louder and louder, until she could no longer hear their heavy footsteps at all.

Her eyes darted around, desperate to find cover. To the left, she spotted a banyan tree in the distance. Pulling away from him, she changed course. He wasn't following her, so she ran back, grabbed his hand, and pulled him towards the grove. She ducked into the narrow space, pulling him down and inside with her. There was only room for one person - it wasn't as big as the one she'd used to hide with Kate. So, she did what she had to do. She pushed him as far back as she could, and pressed her back against him. If she was going to die, she wanted to see it coming.

It didn't occur to her that she was blocking him in, shielding him. But it did occur to him. He wanted to trade places with her, but the space was too tight. They had no room to turn around or rearrange. What was even tighter still was his chest, when he realized what he'd just admitted to himself: he'd wanted to shield her instead. He was more terrified of that thought that he was the smoke monster.

She could feel his heart racing against her back. She pretended not to notice him trembling, though she supposed she was trembling too. His heat was stifling, and she couldn't get her breathing to slow. She clasped one hand over her mouth, trying to force herself to breathe in through her nose. But he was too close. His breath was wet and heavy on the back of her neck, and his muscles were thick and hard as he tensed against her body. It was too much.

Gingerly, he put his arms on either side of her and pulled her in closer. He couldn't stand in front of her, but he sure as hell could anchor her to him. She smelled like sweat and lemons and mint and he closed his eyes as it took over his brain. She was permeating almost all of his senses, and it was too much. The only thing missing was tasting her.

His eyes flashed open as the thought wormed its way into his head. He grit his teeth, shoving the thought aside. Like fucking hell would he think that shit about her. Over his dead body.

As if on cue, he saw it over the top of her head. The smoke monster swirled, light flashing inside it like the paparazzi on the red carpet. It crept closer, slowly, and they held their breath. She gripped the tops of his hands tightly as they rested on her hips. They were sweaty and shaking, but he squeezed her fingers right back.

After what felt like minutes, but was really only seconds, the pillar of smoke began to recede. It swirled away, its signature noises growing quieter and quieter until all they heard was the tranquility of the forest.

Her legs felt like jello, but she slid alongside him and ducked through the exit. James breathed a sigh of relief. Her nearness had been overwhelming. He felt relieved, mostly. He refused to admit that her absence had left something empty behind, too.

She leaned over and put her hands on her knees and sucked in lungfuls of air. "I'd almost… forgotten…" she wheezed.

He followed her out of their hiding spot and leaned one hand against the tree, and wiped his sweaty brow with the other. "Ya think that's what the boss meant? Ya think… all that shit about Richard - was he really talkin' about that thing?" he panted.

She rose and wiped her forehead with the back of her wrist. "Only one way to find out." She gave him a level stare, and he nodded, their argument long forgotten.

—-

They ended the patrol early, not caring that they'd only been away from Dharmaville for two hours. When they arrived back, James stomped off to the security office in search of Horace. He bounded down the steps, Juliet hot on his heels.

"Hey, you can't be in here!" someone shouted. But it didn't matter. James found Horace easily enough, and the older man blanched when he saw James approach.

"Jim? What're you doing here? I thought you were - "

"We were. Until some crazy black pillar of smoke tried to kill us. Wanna fill us in, Bossman? What in the ever-loving hell was that thing?" he exploded. Juliet flinched, wishing he'd been just a smidge more tactful.

But Horace didn't waver. In fact, he pursed his lips together, looking resigned. He nodded to the other security guys, and they lowered their weapons. "Leave us," Horace said softly. The two other men nodded, and begrudgingly left the security office. "Jim, Juliet. I believe you met what we simply call here, 'The Monster.' We don't know what it is, but it's the primary reason we have the sonar fence in place. It protects us from it."

"So it's not meant to keep out hostiles?" Juliet asked curiously, playing along. After all, she wasn't supposed to know a thing.

Horace nodded. "Yes. And we'd appreciate it if you kept what you saw a secret, when you go back home."

James's eyes widened. There it was - an opening. "Or… You could let us stay. We could join the Dharma Initiative, and no one will be none the wiser that thing's floatin' around. You seemed to think this mornin' it mighta killed our crew, I reckon." Horace stared him down, but showed no inkling as to whether James was right. "If we stay, we can help. We may never find the Black Rock but maybe landin' here wasn't a mistake after all."

Horace shifted his gaze to Juliet. "What about you, Juliet? Daniel seems to think you want to leave."

She swallowed. She could feel James's eyes on her. "I do. I want to join the Dharma Initiative too, but I'd like to be stationed in Ann Arbor."

Horace nodded, considering. After several long heartbeats, he nodded. "Alright. Perhaps you're right, Jim. Perhaps we could use men like you and your friends. We just so happen to be short staffed on the security team. I don't suppose that would be something you three are interested in?"

"I think that'd suit us just fine," he drawled.

"Very well then. Consider it done. Normally, we have initiates fill out several forms, take an IQ test, aptitude test, you know - so we can learn more about them. I'd still prefer you five complete these tasks, regardless of this verbal agreement."

"Yessir," James agreed. "You're the boss."

"Indeed. Well, I'll have someone drop the paperwork by your house this afternoon. Please fill them out in their entirety, and separately from one another. Is that understood?" James and Juliet both nodded their agreement. "Good. Well, if that's all, then you're excused."

James took Juliet's hand out of reflex and led her up the stairs. Horace eyed their linked hands with confusion. He wondered why she was so anxious to leave. He took a deep breath and shook his head. At least he didn't have to recruit a new security detail now.

Upstairs, Juliet pulled her hand away from James. He looked back at her, hurt briefly flashing across his face before he clenched his hands into fists. He led the way back to their house, where Miles, Jin, and Daniel awaited their return. He filled them in on what Horace had said, and they all practically melted into their seats with relief.

Everyone but James. He was breathing hard, blinded by anger. He didn't know why, nor did he care to think about it hard enough to figure it out, but the truth was plain as day. He didn't want her to leave. And she was hellbent on leaving.

When the forms were dropped off, they played by Horace's rules, and filled everything out separated from one another. They ate dinner together in the cafeteria, but James didn't say a word. Everyone went to bed early, but James merely laid in his bed, wide awake.

He'd been stewing in his anger and his hurt all evening, and all he could think about were two things: Juliet leaving him behind, and the feel of her body pressed against his. He kept replaying that moment in his mind, over and over again, wondering why the hell he was so fixated on it. He'd had sex with Ana Lucia, and she never crossed his mind anymore. He'd seen Claire's breast when she fed Aaron and he didn't think about her either. Hell, even from his time off the island, he never thought about any of his marks anymore.

So why was he raging so hard, just because she was pressed up against him for such a short amount of time? Why did he even care?

Finally, he'd had enough. He couldn't take it anymore. He glanced over at her to make sure she was asleep before tiptoeing out of the room and going into the bathroom. He refused to believe he was attracted to her. He refused to admit that she took up even a modicum of space in his brain.

So he sat down on the closed toilet seat lid and thought of Kate. He thought about her body, the way that she smelled (like berries and sweat and fresh grass). He thought about how she tasted, how she felt when she clenched around him. He took himself in his hand, closed his eyes, and thought of nothing but Kate. Her laugh. Her voice. Her charm. Her attitude. Her freckles.

All too soon, he finished, and he wiped away the evidence with toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. He washed his hands and crawled back into bed, satisfied that he'd shown his brain who really took up space there - green eyes, not blue.