A/N: Sorry, these chapters just keep getting longer and longer but I just can't stop writing! I know I should trim the fat but I get going and just can't figure out when to stop. I will try and post weekly, though it may not always be on the same day. Comments made my DAY so consider leaving one!

—-

If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

—-

Chapter Three: Solitary

Fourteen days of searching. Fourteen days of finding nothing and no one. Twelve days of things being tense and uneasy with James, and four days since he stopped talking to her altogether.

Juliet supposed she knew why. Kind of. She at least knew when his behavior shifted, and the event that made him a tightly coiled spring, ready to burst at any moment. But on second thought, maybe she didn't quite know why.

She'd thought about that moment in the banyan tree quite a bit the last few days. Mostly while she was alone, like when she was in the shower or trying to fall asleep at night. She wasn't fantasizing about it; she was analyzing it. The way he'd placed his hands so tightly on her, pulling her close to him. The feel of his stiff body behind hers. It could have been fear of being killed, sure. Or it could have been fear of something else. She wanted to talk to him about it, but he rarely met her eyes these days.

She found it strange, once it finally hit her… she missed him. She never thought in a million years that he'd be someone she missed, but the thought rang true in her heart all the same.

Yesterday, they all decided they'd had enough. They'd covered as much of the island as they could without straying too far away from the barracks. They were all sore, exhausted, and sunburnt to hell. They'd simply done all that they could do. As a whole, the group swore not to give up hope. They'd still search when they could, but they couldn't do it everyday anymore.

Today was their first day of real rest. The sub would be leaving tomorrow, Friday, and those that planned on staying behind would start their work assignments on Monday. Miles, looking for any excuse to sit around and drink, decided to host a going away party for Juliet and Daniel. Though, it wasn't so much a party as it was a dinner with booze and no other guests. He'd somehow managed to snag two whole pizzas and half of a cake from the cafeteria, and James had sweet-talked Horace into giving them beer.

There was a record player in the house, and Jin picked a Beatles album to play. Juliet was impressed with his tastes, and he said they loved the Beatles in Korea. He tended to sing the songs in Korean, which Juliet thought was fantastic. She took a mental snapshot of him and Miles dueting (though Miles sang in English) and she hoped she'd never forget it. It made her heart ache to watch them.

Even James seemed to be in decent spirits. He'd been drinking beers almost all day. It troubled her that she hadn't seen him drink any water, but he was a grown adult; he could do as he pleased. The final straw was when he joined in on the singing, especially when he pulled Daniel by the sleeve and swayed with him at arm's length. Daniel, who was clearly uncomfortable, still managed to put a smile on his face. All four sang and swayed with their arms around one another and Daniel at a distance, drunk and full of pizza and happy; and she just watched them from the table and smiled as she took yet another mental snapshot.

It was all too much. And it broke her heart.

Not only was it a beautiful display of camaraderie and friendship, and she was going to miss them all so dearly when she left, but it only served to remind her, once again, how much of an outsider she really was. James, who seemed to dislike Daniel more than anyone else in the group (other than her), still managed to include him in the festivities. She was glad for Dan, because she knew how alone he'd been feeling since they'd landed here. She knew how much he missed Charlotte and how hard it was to watch her as a child running around the compound. He needed to leave just as much as she did.

Because clearly she didn't belong here with them. She didn't belong in the 1970s at all, actually; on the island or back in America. I don't belong anywhere, she thought bitterly.

Once the guys' backs were turned, she grabbed a couple beers and slipped quietly out of the house. She needed to think. Or did she need to clear her head? She wasn't even sure anymore. She just knew without a shadow of a doubt that she needed to get away from that house before she lost it altogether.

—-

James woke up feeling shittier than he had all week. The day was almost here, and he didn't know what to do about the knot in his stomach. Tomorrow, Daniel and Juliet would leave for good, and James was bone-tired; sick to death of feeling anger, resentment, and worst of all, self-loathing about this whole situation. One way or another, his misery was going to end, and soon.

The conflicting feelings had been confusing him for days. He wanted, more than anything, to hate her - for everything she'd done to him, to Kate, and to their group as a whole. But he found that he just couldn't. She was too… something. Funny, good, smart, sexy - whatever the hell she was - and he just couldn't make himself hate her, not after she'd saved him at least twice now. So, he'd been doing what he does best: making her hate him instead.

He figured it would be the easier thing to do, rather than befriend her, just for her to end up leaving him behind anyway. This way he didn't have to deal with the fallout of her retreat, and he'd be all the better off for it.

For days now, he'd been ignoring her when she was paying attention and watching her when she wasn't. He wondered if his plan was working, and he supposed it was. She wasn't talking to him either. Now, his last day with her had finally come, and he realized with a stab of pain that he'd been a fool for thinking that being a dick to her would make her leaving any better for him. Because despite the commitment to his plan, he knew it was too late; he missed her already and she hadn't even left.

So, he spent the day drinking. She'd gotten up before him, which was better for him anyway. He didn't drink any water, and he skipped lunch so the alcohol would have a greater impact on him. He wanted to feel absolutely nothing, and since Horace hadn't offered up anything stronger than beer, he was going to have to make do.

The pizza killed his buzz a bit, but by the time he chugged two more beers down, he was back to feeling woozy and loose. Hell, he even found himself singing Beatles songs with the guys and swaying in time to the rhythm. He could hardly believe it, but he was actually having a lot of fun.

He wanted to cajole Juliet into joining their quartet but she was nowhere to be found. He scrunched up his face in disappointment and checked all the rooms of the house. She was gone.

"Danny boy - you seen Juliet?" James asked as Daniel finished off a slice of pizza.

"No, man. Sorry. Is she packing?" he suggested.

"Nah, she isn't. I'mma go find her." In fact, most of her stuff was still unpacked, or lying in an open duffel bag at the foot of her bed. It wasn't like she had much to bring with her anyway. He didn't know what to make of it.

Daniel nodded and James slipped out of the house. She wasn't on the porch, and she wasn't on the swingset in front of the house. He'd seen her go out there most evenings to sit by herself, but he was always too stubborn to go out and talk to her. Plus, it would completely go against the whole 'make us enemies again' vibe. In his mind, though he claimed to know nothing about her, he knew it only left one more place to look.

He found her on the dock, with her back leaning up against a crate and her legs swinging over the side. Her feet were mere inches above the surface of the water, though it looked like she was trying to stretch them out to dip her bare toes in.

As soon as his feet hit the wooden planks, he saw her pause and stiffen. Her hands lifted to her face briefly, though he couldn't see why.

"What are you doing here?" she asked coldly. Clearly she was not in the mood for company. Luckily, James was too drunk to care. He plopped down right next to her, and took off his shoes and socks to hang his legs beside hers.

"I could ask you the same thing!" he uttered brightly. She glared at him, as if his presence had completely ruined her evening. He supposed he didn't blame her. He'd only brought this resentful treatment upon himself. "Where's your bag? Figured you'd wanna stay out here all night so ya get the first ticket on board." She sighed, not answering his question. So he tried again. "Whatcha out here all alone for?"

She scoffed bitterly. "Didn't think you'd notice."

"Of course I noticed. I'm pretty sure it's a goin' away party for both you and Doc Brown." Despite herself, she smiled at the nickname. "Well how 'bout that - you still have some smiles left in ya after all."

She shot him a sideways look before refocusing her attention on her swinging feet. "Not that you care, but I'm out here because I wanted to be alone. To think."

James chuckled. "And here I come, disruptin' your peace. But what the hell do you have to think about? Seems you two got it all worked out." He tried not to sound as bitter as he felt.

She paused before answering. "We do. If I go."

His heart skipped a beat. "If?"

"So you do have ears!" she sing-songed mockingly. "Wow, and here I thought you didn't, considering I said I wanted to be alone and you just continued to sit there."

"Ha-ha. Funny. Now back up and tell me what the hell you mean by 'if.'"

She leaned her head back against the crate and focused her attention on the night sky. It was always something she'd appreciated, living on the island; the stars were bright and unobstructed without the skyscrapers and light pollution of Miami. It might be the thing she misses most if she ever actually leaves. Well, that and him, for some reason.

"I don't know if I'm going," she stated simply, her voice dull and without inflection.

"You seemed pretty dead set on goin' before - what changed?" James tried not to sound too relieved. He prayed she couldn't hear his heart hammering.

Juliet considered his question. It was a loaded question, really. One he probably didn't really want to hear the answer to. It was fear, primarily. Living out in the real world with no identity… a lot could go wrong. And perhaps… perhaps a part of her wasn't truly ready to give up all hope of ever seeing Rachel and Julian. After all, the only way for that ever to happen would be staying here. She refused to admit, even to herself, that he had anything to do with it. Though… she supposed he did. Maybe just a small bit. An infinitesimal amount, really.

"Nothing, James. Nothing has changed." Her voice was sad and when she hiccuped, he finally turned his eyes to inspect her face. Her eyes were red and shining and… he gulped. She'd been out here crying. Suddenly he felt his stomach twist. He welcomed the guilt and shame that took up residence in his chest like an old friend; he was used to it by now.

"Well, it ain't like ya got much longer to figure it out, sweetheart." Her lips twisted at the nickname.

"I know."

James sighed. It was his fault she was out here like this. It was his fault she hated him so much. He wished he could have a do-over. He wished he'd focused more on being her friend than pushing her away. He knew it was selfish, and his reasons felt right at the time, but now? If she always had these doubts, he could have been using them to try and get her to stay. Now he realized he might just be the very reason why she chose to leave after all. Talk about one hell of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"What do you want? More'n anything?" he asked, suddenly serious. He watched her finish off a beer and set aside the empty can. It made him wonder how many she'd had.

"I wanna know if leaving would be a huge mistake," she whispered, eyes blinking more rapidly now.

He placed his hand atop hers. She flinched, but didn't remove her hand out from under his. "I mean like, if you could wave a wand or whatever, what would you have happen?"

She smiled bitterly. "I'd be back in 2001. I'd stop myself from ever coming here." Uh-oh. That sounded like maybe she was leaning toward leaving. So he tried again.

"Okay, and if ya couldn't do that? If ya couldn't mess with time, or whatever the Brainiac says?"

"Then I'd want to go back to 2004. I'd do something to appeal to Ben or to Richard or whoever's in charge now and ask them to let me go home. I just - I just wanna go home," she breathed as she closed her eyes. And he saw the tension leave her body. Her shoulders slumped and her usual perfect posture crumpled in on itself. She seemed to be doing everything in her power not to break down in front of him, and it broke his heart.

Tentatively, she turned to face him. "Am I making a mistake? If the only way to get back to our time is to stay… am I making a mistake if I leave?" Her face contorted in desperation. She was pleading with him to be honest with her, to justify whatever choice she'd made. And he wanted to - but he realized he couldn't make this choice for her. Not only because he didn't want to be the one she blamed if it all went wrong, but because he knew deep down he couldn't be unbiased here. Despite everything they'd been through and despite the fact that she was once his enemy, he didn't care anymore. She'd grown into his friend, regardless of his best efforts to prevent it.

"I don't know, Juliet. It ain't my call to make." It was the best he could do.

"I know," she said softly, and he pretended not to watch as she covertly swiped a finger under her eye.

"Can ya tell me… what are you so anxious to get back to?"

She opened up her second beer and took a long swig. "I have an older sister, Rachel. She gave birth to my nephew while I was on the island. I missed it because Ben wouldn't let me leave." She huffed a derisive laugh. "She probably thinks I'm dead by now."

"Wait… hold up… Ben wouldn't let you leave?" James furrowed his eyebrows and ran a hand through his hair, brushing it out of his face.

She licked her lips and sniffled. "Nope." When she didn't elaborate, he knocked into her shoulder with his, encouraging her to continue. "My sister had cancer. She was the one I helped get pregnant. I was only supposed to be gone six months, but when my time came… Ben told me her cancer returned. He said he'd save her, but only if I stayed and finished what I'd started."

"And did he? Save her?" James asked incredulously. He'd met Benjamin Linus. That weasel was not God.

"I guess so. I watched a live video feed of her over two years later. I was supposed to stay until I fixed the problem, but the problem was impossible to fix. So in reality…"

"Ben was never gonna let you leave, was he?" James felt his anger rising. He squeezed the fist that wasn't still settled over top of her hand. She shook her head in response.

If he didn't already have a motive to kill Benjamin Linus, he did now. Just as he was picturing himself wrapping his fingers around the weasel's throat, her soft voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "I'll figure it out. Tomorrow morning, I'll see how I feel and I'll decide then. For now, can you just… can you please go?"

James's heart constricted. "You sure?" he asked softly.

She sighed. "You made your feelings for me quite plain. I know you don't want to sit here with me, and I don't need your company or your pity."

"Juliet, I - "

"Just stop, okay? You stopped looking to me for answers and back-up a long time ago. You don't need me anymore. You'll be fine here with Miles and Jin." She pursed her lips and pinched her eyebrows together. She was begging him to understand; begging him to listen to her. He sighed and removed his hand from hers. He stood, feeling dizzy as did so. "And please, James. Drink some water when you get home, okay? You shouldn't dehydrate yourself."

Despite his burning sadness, he laughed. He couldn't help it. Even when he'd been a total dick to her, she still showed him kindness when he did nothing to deserve it. "You got it, Blondie," he agreed, and glanced down at her one last time before abiding by her wishes.

—-

The next morning, James woke up with a pounding headache. He'd done as she told him to and drank two glasses of water once he got back home, but apparently it had done nothing to ease the damage he'd already done. She hadn't been back home yet when he crawled into bed, with the room spinning and his stomach twisted in knots. Sometime in the night, someone had put a bucket next to his bed.

He sat up and groaned, squinting into the sun-brightened room. His mouth was dry and when he swung his legs over the side of the bed, he accidentally kicked the empty bucket across the room. He looked around, trying to wake up, when it all hit him like a brick wall to the face.

Her stuff. It was gone.

He stood quickly from the bed, looking around the room. Her duffel was gone, and so were her clothes. Her nightstand was empty and her bed was made. A piece of paper on his nightstand caught his eye, and he picked it up with trembling fingers.

James, I asked Horace to bring by a pair of reading glasses. I tucked them into the top drawer so you wouldn't lose them. Let him know if they're not the right prescription.

Please take care of yourself, and thank you for having my back.

-J

P.S. Don't worry, I'm sure you will see her again someday

The letter was like a suckerpunch to the gut. For one, she had the thoughtfulness to get him glasses? Even when he had been such a jerk? And she thanked him - for what? He'd done nothing but treat her like shit for almost two weeks.

But the last statement was the one that really killed him. He missed Kate fiercely, but he didn't think he could stomach missing Juliet too. Despite his feelings for Kate, she'd also been a friend to him, in her own way - someone who saw right through him; saw him for who he truly was. Juliet had somehow become someone who also knew him, and something about her calmed him more than he'd ever cared to admit. He'd tried so hard not to like her, but ultimately he'd failed. He couldn't believe he was having to go through this pain again, of being left behind.

It was the final nail in the coffin. James raged. He flung the alarm clock off the nightstand. Threw the bucket against the wall. Kicked the dresser and balled up his blankets in his fists and tossed those too. He didn't stop until his throat was raw from screaming and the room was completely destroyed.

"DUDE! What the fuck is going on here?" Miles shouted as he took in the state of James's handiwork.

He choked on his own gasping breaths. His head was swaying and his stomach lurched. He reached for the bucket just in time. When he was finished heaving, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and saw Miles staring at him. He was pale, mouth open, looking completely dumbfounded.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" he asked, shaking his head in dismay.

James didn't answer. He took the bucket outside, not caring that he was still in his pajama pants with no shirt or shoes on. He tossed the bucket to the side of the front porch and half-ran towards the dock, hoping he wasn't too late.

When he finally came upon the dock, the sub was nowhere to be found. James blinked, and shook his head. He didn't understand. He didn't understand anything. He didn't understand what he was feeling, he didn't understand why he cared so much, and above all - he didn't understand why she would actually go. He couldn't believe it.

He felt numb. A tingling sensation spread from his legs to his hands and he stood there, frozen, as he stared at the space he'd spoken with her last night. Now he really was all alone. But instead of sadness, all he felt was anger. He punched the top of the crate and reveled in the stinging pain it sent radiating up his arm.

He needed to get away from here. He couldn't stand here feeling sorry for himself, and he couldn't go back to the house - not with the way he left it. So he went to the other place he could think of to walk around and cool off: the beach.

It was a five minute walk, and on the northwest part of the compound. He was already kicking sand angrily by the time he arrived. He walked to the water's edge and kicked that, too. He was so blinded by his own brooding he didn't see the small figure lying in the shade at the treeline.

"Seems like someone's having a bad morning!" Juliet called. She'd seen him approach, but was too captivated and surprised by his temperament to say anything to him. He, too, was apparently too caught up in his own thoughts to notice her lingering in the shade.

She saw him whip around when he heard her voice, his eyes wide and unfocused. She offered him a sad smile and a little wave, and cocked her head when she saw his shoulders slump… in relief? She couldn't tell. He started to walk towards her, and she resumed her earlier position: lying flat on her back with her duffel bag as her pillow.

"What in the hell are you doin' out here, girl?!" he shrieked when he finally reached her. He sat down beside her, and she eyed his pajamas with a skeptical, almost critical look. "Didja miss the sub?"

She nodded and slid her duffel a little more to the right. He frowned but took the hint, and tentatively laid down on his back alongside her, resting his head on his half. "I couldn't do it," she said flatly. James flicked his eyes towards her. She didn't look like she'd been crying, but she didn't look happy either.

"What happened?"

She inhaled deeply through her nose. She figured there was no harm in telling him now. What's done is done. "I couldn't sleep, so I packed. Daniel and I walked down there together, sat on a bench while we waited. We talked it out and… I guess he helped me see that maybe staying here was for the best." James felt slightly indignant. Clearly his conversation hadn't done jack squat. "He understood, of course, and he was supportive. I hugged him goodbye and watched everyone else load up. A lot more people left than I'd expected. A couple pregnant women, actually." She blew a raspberry with her lips. "So. That was that. I talked to Horace, and he's going to assign me to the motor pool. I start Monday."

"So… that's it? You're stayin'?" She turned her head to face him. She didn't understand why his tone was so hopeful. It unnerved her.

"Yeah. For now, I'm staying." Even as she said it, it didn't alleviate the dread churning in her gut. She hoped and prayed she'd made the right decision.

"Well I'll be damned," he muttered. She smirked. At least he seemed happy about her decision. She didn't know why, but she'd take it. It was certainly better than what she'd expected: more anger and resentment.

"Why are you out here in your pajamas?" she dared to ask. He chuckled.

"Just… wanted to go for a walk."

She watched him from the corner of her eye. "Didn't think to put clothes on first?"

"Nope." He offered nothing else to explain the state of his dishevelment. But in the back of her mind, she wondered if he'd been looking for her.

After a few moments of silence, he rolled onto his side and gripped her bicep in his hand. He held firm, but not tight, and it startled her enough that her wide eyes met his. In this light, she couldn't tell if they were blue or green. "I promise - I'll get ya home someday," he assured her. "I dunno how, but I promise you I'll getcha back to Rachel, okay?"

Juliet froze and quirked an eyebrow in disbelief. He couldn't possibly be serious. "You don't have to say that. And you shouldn't make promises you can't keep," she murmured in response.

He pressed his lips into a thin line. "I promise," he said more sternly.

She blinked at him. She could barely hear the waves over her own unsteady, pounding heart. "What changed, James? Why do you suddenly care what happens to me?"

He let go of her arm and rolled back onto his back. "We gotta get each other's backs. That's all." And the moment was gone. Any chance of him honestly answering the question was gone with it.

"We were enemies, once, as I know you recall. I didn't want to be, but we were. Then we survived time traveling together and saved each other's lives a couple times, which certainly didn't make us friends, as you also pointed out. And then you went right back to hating me. For almost two weeks. And now, you're lying with me on the beach while I wallow in self-pity and you make promises about getting me home. I can't say I'll ever understand you, James Ford…" she sighed, and closed her eyes.

He exhaled quickly through his nose; it resembled a laugh. "That makes two of us," he agreed wistfully. Juliet meant every word. She didn't know why he sometimes forgave her for what she'd done and sometimes held it over her head. She didn't know why he ignored her most of the time but seemed to panic when she talked about leaving. It left her feeling like she'd come off a rollercoaster - all scrambled and disoriented and breathless.

But the air was warm, and she wasn't ready to go back to the house just yet and face everyone. So they laid there until James's stomach began to growl. She could hear it, even over the wind and crashing waves. He eyed her sheepishly when she stood and offered a hand to help him up. But he took it nonetheless, and she supposed that was all that mattered.

—-

After the departure of the submarine, more houses became available across the compound. Miles, Jin, and James moved into a small three-bedroom, and Juliet moved into a one-bedroom a few houses down. They started their work assignments, though they were all in training, and had begun to settle into a 'normal' life as official members of the Dharma Initiative.

There was a lot to learn, and the guys found themselves patrolling the island just as they had before they joined. By the time they'd have dinner, it would be late and they'd be exhausted. They'd go home and crash, wake up at dawn, and do it all over again. Horace swore it wouldn't be like this forever, but they had to stick to the training protocol just as everyone else did. They rarely left each other's sides, much to James's annoyance, and he often wondered if he'd made a mistake in joining security.

One night, while showering, James suddenly thought about Juliet. He hadn't seen her in a couple weeks, though he'd caught glimpses of her at the motor pool every so often. They were often so busy and on such a strict schedule, he couldn't find time to really think much about her, let alone go see her. He thought perhaps it might have been a blessing in disguise. Though Horace swore the training would be ending soon and they would then abide by more reasonable hours, it still made him feel guilty that he hadn't checked on her. He wondered how she was doing, and hoped she was doing okay.

By all accounts though, Juliet was in fact not okay. She was glad to have a house to herself, but sometimes the quiet was too quiet. The meals she ate at the cafeteria were too few and far between, not only because she was rarely hungry these days, but because it was just too damn sad to sit and eat alone. And of course, the isolation she felt at being separated from the guys was the final nail in the coffin of her inevitable depression. As she nibbled on a salad one evening, she pictured her metaphorical tombstone: Here lies Juliet; She was a hot mess - too lonely to function and too depressed to ask for company. It was a vicious fucking cycle and every single day she asked herself if she'd made a huge mistake by staying.

Each night after getting off work and picking around her dinner, she'd pour herself a glass (or three) of wine and try to read a book. She'd get ten pages in before she'd wonder what the guys were doing. She'd contemplate calling or showing up uninvited, decide against it (after all, if they wanted her company, surely they'd call her, right?) and go to bed early.

After weeks of going through the motions, she'd finally completed her training. It had been hell, being thrown into the motor pool without Jin, Miles, or James, but she was incredibly grateful when she could start working on the vehicles alone. Every day, she'd have to suffer through the jeering and wolf-whistling and catcalls and innuendos - and that was just before lunch.

Sometimes, she'd catch herself staring out into space over the compound, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone familiar, but she never did. It was like she was all alone here on the island after all. It hurt, feeling like she'd been left behind yet again.

One day, Juliet was bent over, inspecting under the hood of a jeep, when she heard yet another wolf-whistle. It was the last straw. She slammed the hood of the jeep down, and in the most threatening tone she could muster, said, "So help me God Chris - " But she found herself face to face with James instead. He looked at her curiously.

"Who the hell is Chris?" he asked accusingly.

Her jaw dropped. "Oh. Hi. Um, he's just this guy, he gives me a hard time sometimes…" she shook her head, trying to blow it off.

James nodded slowly, taking it in. She saw his eyes scan the garage and her heart began to speed up. "James, don't…"

But it was too late. He strode across the garage and grabbed a guy by the top of his jumpsuit. She saw him check the name before pushing the man roughly against the wall. "You Chris?" he growled, confirming. Chris nodded, wide-eyed. "You and your friends make one more comment about my girl there, and it'll be the last thing you do. You got me?" Chris's mouth worked up and down, resembling a fish out of water. He sputtered an apology and James let him go.

Juliet crossed the garage and grabbed James's arm, pulling him back to the jeep she'd been working on. "What are you doing?!" she hissed. "You're on security! You could get in trouble for threatening someone!"

"Whattaya think security is, sweetheart?" he smiled, and she blew out an angry breath.

"You didn't need to do that."

"Yeah I did. Ya said he was givin' you a hard time."

"He was."

"There ya go then. I had to get him off your back."

She felt her lips turn down in a frown. "Why did you call me 'your girl?'"

James blanched. He hadn't realized he'd said it. "Cuz you're my friend. And I wanted him to back off. What he don't know won't hurt him." James shrugged.

She licked her lips. "What are you even doing here? Where have you guys been?"

James looked down at his feet. "Yeah, Horace has been runnin' us ragged. Security trainin's like fuckin' boot camp. But we're just about done. He's got us watchin' the damn monitors all day now. I don't know what I hate worse - doin' that or stompin' around the jungle."

She nodded. "I see. So… you guys have been busy then."

"Yeah. Sorry we ain't stopped by. But it should be slowin' down now. We didn't used to eat dinner til 8, but I think we're gonna get off by 6 tonight. I wanted to swing by and see if ya wanted to meet us." What he didn't say was how much he'd missed her company over the last few weeks. He didn't understand it, and didn't want her questioning him about it.

Her stomach clenched. She didn't know what to make of this. She didn't know if he was truly asking for her company, or if he only pitied her because she'd been cast away on Motor Pool Island. Her walls sprang up around her and she searched his face, trying to understand his motives.

"Come onnnn," he urged. "It ain't the same without ya. Too much testosterone. We're all sick of each other." He plopped his palm onto the top of her head and ruffled her bandana. Despite herself, a smile crept onto her face.

"Okay. Fine," she agreed, and reached up to fix the hair under her bandana.

"Good. See ya then." James began to walk away but called over his shoulder, "If any a' those bozos give ya a hard time, you just let me know, sunshine." And he was gone.

Juliet shook her head in disbelief. Just what was this all about? It couldn't possibly be because they missed her, could it? They didn't even like her. She was an outsider a few weeks ago, but she felt even more like one now. She envisioned dinner: they'd all talk about what they'd seen, what they'd done, who said what to whom, and she'd just nod and smile, not knowing what the hell they were talking about. She didn't know why she'd even agreed to going in the first place, but she supposed it was too late now. She was going to give it a try and see how it went. If it didn't go well, she could always go back to eating by herself. Or perhaps, on second thought, maybe just skipping dinner entirely.

—-

That night, Juliet arrived at the cafeteria wearing a pair of loose jeans and a t-shirt. The guys were already there eating, all still in their jumpsuits, so she grabbed a salad from the line and joined them. James slapped her on the back when she sat next to him - treating her like one of the guys, she supposed. She didn't know how she felt about it. She watched them as she picked at her salad, and it was just as she thought it would be. Every once in a while they'd ask her how she is or a question about her job, but she mainly felt incredibly out of the loop.

James watched her when he could; stealing sideways glances when she peered down into her half eaten salad. Now that the jumpsuit was gone, he realized how thin she looked. Upon further inspection, she had dark circles under her eyes which contrasted against the pale skin of her face. It freaked him out, seeing her like this. More than anything, he felt like shit about letting whatever this was get this far. He was supposed to be their leader. He was supposed to be looking out for all of them, not just the ones he lived and worked with.

When dinner was over, he watched her covertly dump her half-eaten salad before waving to the group and slinking out the door. He trotted after her, and took her frail forearm in his wrist. "Hey - can I walk ya home?" he asked her. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Just - to talk. That's all." He didn't know why he felt compelled to say that. After all, they'd never done anything but talk. It didn't sit well with him that his brain had even gone there at all.

But she agreed, and he walked her home. "It was cool ya came to dinner," he said, trying to sound lighthearted. She merely nodded and gave him a small smile.

"Thanks for the invitation."

When they arrived at her house, he said, "Mind if I come in?" Once more, she looked confused, and it took her a few seconds to respond.

"I… guess. If you want to."

He made his way inside, wondering what the hell was wrong with her. She seemed… off. She wasn't necessarily being 'cold,' as he'd often mistook her as being in the past. But she was definitely… not right. Her eyes looked vacant and her body looked tightly coiled. He wondered if she was sleeping. He didn't remember her being as haunted by nightmares as he'd been, but that didn't mean she wasn't struggling.

She sat down on the couch and jerked her head towards the chair across from her, inviting him to sit. There was a wine bottle on the coffee table, and he watched as she poured herself a generous glass. "Do you want some?" she asked. He shook his head. "What can I do for you, James?"

He sat down on the chair and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. "You okay, Blondie?" he asked delicately. She cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes. There was a ghost of a smile on her lips, as if she were trying to remember how to put on an act.

"I'm fine, why?"

He inhaled deeply before continuing. "I dunno. You just… you seem weird."

"Weird?"

"Yeah. You're like… super skinny and ya barely said anything at dinner."

She laughed lightly. It sounded fake to his ears. "I don't know what you mean. I was just listening."

James had to actively restrain himself from rolling his eyes. "Cut the bullshit, Juliet. I know somethin's the matter with you."

She grinned wickedly behind her wine glass. "And how ever would you know that, James? You don't know anything about me."

He tensed his jaw. "Ain't for lack a' tryin'," he grumbled.

She set her glass down on the coffee table and he saw her mask slide into place. "Really? Is that what you would call it?" she breathed, her voice light. "I haven't seen anyone in weeks. Seems like you guys have enough on your plate."

"That ain't fair - I told ya we were workin'." He felt himself growing agitated.

She nodded, her lips pursed. "Right. Yeah. Well, you don't have to worry about me. I'm doing just fine on my own."

He scoffed. "Sure, yeah. Looks like you're doin' just fine to me, too." She gave him a level stare, challenging him. "Ya look like ya ain't been sleepin', and ya already had more wine than dinner and I only been here all of five minutes."

She swallowed. "You're one to talk. If ever there's beer in the house, you're sure to have a can in your hand."

"This ain't about me. It's about you."

She shook her head and twisted her lips, a wry smile tugging at the corner. "You don't have the slightest clue what the last few weeks have been like, James. You have no idea what choosing yet again to stay on this island meant for me."

"Oh sure I do. I only had to listen to you gripe for two weeks about leavin' and how much you just had to get off this fuckin' rock, just for you to change your mind at the last second. Now you're gonna complain about doin' that too?"

She laughed. "How could I possibly be griping to you when you didn't even talk to me? And here I thought that staying would probably be okay, because at least I'd have you guys, but no - I was wrong. Because I don't have anyone, James. I have no one. At least if I had gone, I'd have Daniel."

"Then fucking go! When it comes back in a couple months, GO. Clearly ya shoulda gone the first time, then maybe you wouldn't be so cold and pissy and bitter." She flinched, and she felt her eyes twitch. "Jesus, I tried - I asked you to come to dinner. But ya sat there and didn't say a damn word. Now you're raggin' on me cuz I haven't talked to you? You ain't tried to talk to us, either!"

"What, so you treat me poorly for weeks; then I decide to stay and you act like a real human being again. Then you stop talking to me, yet again, and asking me to dinner is just supposed to fix everything? I can't tell if you like me or hate me or if it's something in between and it's EXHAUSTING trying to figure it out!"

"Yeah, well. Ain't you used to all that by now, sweetheart?" he sneered. "Ya certainly had a long time to adjust to it while you were campin' with us and nobody liked or trusted you." It was a low blow and he knew it. The moment the words were out of his mouth, he felt the all-too-familiar stab of regret. The words tasted bitter and filthy on his tongue but he was too proud and in too deep to take them back now.

Juliet stilled. She leaned forward, matching his posture and pursing her lips. "I'll always be the bad guy to you, James. No matter what I do. Maybe you should remember that next time you try your hand at being nice. You know - Miles came here to kill Ben, not rescue anyone, but no one bats an eye. He's always just looked out for himself. I can understand that. Jin is just trying to survive, and I get that too. But with you - I can never win. I don't understand you. At all. And it'll always be you three against me and I can't - " She felt her eyes begin to burn. "I can't just shove myself into your group when I don't belong there."

"And whose fault is that?" The words were out before he could stop them, and he instantly felt another pang of guilt.

She nodded, accepting them, letting them settle over her and seep into her skin. "You're right. It is my fault." She finished off her wine and rose from the couch, not daring to look him in the eye. All of this was her fault. She was the one who'd decided to stay. She was the one who had tased him, infiltrated their beach camp, lied to them, and allowed her people to terrorize them. She'd been the one to keep secrets and sneak around and earn their distrust in the first place.

She didn't deserve his kindness or his friendship, and she knew it. Maybe he was right. Maybe she had made a huge mistake and needed to leave at the next possible opportunity. It seemed to her that despite his offer, he still saw right through her and knew how much of a mess she truly was. He didn't need anyone like that in his life. He didn't need her at all anymore.

She left him fuming and went into the bathroom. She sat on the closed toilet seat lid, turned the faucet on, and hoped the sounds of the streaming water would stifle the sounds of her crying. She felt a burning hole in her chest, and she had no idea how to fix it. All of this was too much and she felt as small and as frail as she did when she worked for Ed. The island may have hardened her in some ways, but it seemed like all of that went right out the window the moment she felt this familiar ache of loneliness. The feeling brought her back to those first months on the island, and she suddenly felt two inches tall.

After a few minutes, she shut off the water and wiped her eyes. She knew when she stepped out that he would be gone, and she was right.

The silence in the room was deafening.

—-

James strode across the lawn, huffing and clenching his fists. He got all the way back to his house before he stopped and ran a hand through his hair. His heart was beating wildly in his chest.

Why the hell did he feel so responsible for the state of her? Juliet's choices and feelings were hers and hers alone. Just because he was the leader didn't mean he got to control her.

And yet - he couldn't help but feel like it was his lack of leadership that got her where she was to begin with. He berated himself for not checking on her sooner. He grinded his teeth together at the cool indifference she'd tried to play off, knowing that was how he had treated her all those weeks ago. He didn't blame her for her outburst, but he did blame himself for his. Because despite how awful he'd treated her in the past, she had changed. She had helped them, she had saved his life, and despite everything he'd stubbornly tried to tell himself, she really was his friend. And he had let her down.

He thought of the reading glasses she'd gotten for him, and how she'd pestered him about drinking water at their going-away party. He thought about how scared he was when he thought she was going to leave. He even recalled (for the hundredth time) the feeling of her body and the smell of her hair.

He couldn't let her think he didn't care. Because he did care.

So, he turned around and walked right back to her house. He pounded on the door until she swung it open, eyes red-rimmed and wide. Her mouth dropped, but she didn't move to let him inside.

Before she could say a word, he pointed a finger accusingly at her. "I do care. I care a lot. You're my friend, and I miss havin' you around, whether you think I do or not. So there - a question answered. Also, you're too skinny - you need to eat something. You better eat dinner with us again tomorrow and I ain't lettin' you have a salad. You can drink all the wine ya want but ya better at least get some sleep. Ya look like a raccoon. And stop feelin' like you're some kinda alien. You're one of us now, so buck up and come around more often cuz we ain't always able to come to you. Comprende?"

Her eyebrows were raised in alarm, but she nodded slowly. "Okay…" she squeaked.

"We're in this shit together, Blondie. I got your back. I mean it."

She nodded, and as he was still fairly angry, he felt it was best to leave it at that. He turned and walked away, leaving her stunned face glowing in the porchlight.

—-

That night, James found himself back at the well. He saw Locke fall, he felt the flash of light burst across his corneas, and he heard the shrieking, ear-splitting noise of the island moving; and once more he held only the rope in his hands. He tugged and heaved but it wouldn't budge. Juliet placed her hand on his arm and whispered, "You'll never bring him back; he's gone. You can let go now." And he sighed before looking down at his hands.

He tried to let go. But the rope was stuck. The tendons of the fibers melted into the skin of his hands. Like vines, the braided rope wove into his palms and he cried out in pain. He pulled and tugged, struggling to break free, but he and the rope were too entwined. She told him once more to let go. He screamed that he was trying, as he placed his foot against the well for leverage, but it wouldn't budge. The more he pulled, the more enmeshed he became.

She saw what was happening and apologized. He looked around, confused. Jin, Miles, and Daniel were walking away. He begged her not to go. She looked sad and regretful but she kept looking over her shoulder at the others as they faded from view.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "But you have to let go." And she squeezed his shoulder before following the group. He screamed after her until his throat was raw. He couldn't believe they had left him behind - left him all alone.

He woke up in a cold sweat, shivering and convulsing as he gulped down air. The fear and pain he felt in his dream still lingered, and he thought of Juliet.

She hadn't left him alone. She was still here.

But Kate was gone. She had left him.

And he needed to find a way to let go.