A/N: Whew boy - I struggled with this chapter a lot. Huge thanks to eponine119 for her feedback! I'm not sure it's my favorite chapter but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!
—-
When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.
Nicholas Sparks, Dear John
—-
Chapter Four: Adrift
The next day at dinner, James bounced his leg, waiting for her to appear though the doors of the cafeteria. He'd been anxious all day, wondering if he'd overstepped some invisible boundary and pissed her off permanently. He hadn't meant to be so crass, but his anger had gotten the better of him. He couldn't believe some of this shit he'd said. He hoped she hadn't taken him too seriously.
All of this 'friend' stuff was new to him still. James hadn't had a friend in years, and then all of a sudden his plane crashed and a stubborn, freckled girl had turned him inside out before leaving him high and dry. He supposed she must have been his first friend on the island, even though he'd used her just as much as she'd used him. But then there was Hugo - who was entirely different. He supposed maybe he had been his second friend. Maybe. He certainly liked the guy alright. He'd grown on him over time, for sure, and was maybe the only person who'd been kind to James without expecting anything in return. He'd also been kind when James hadn't deserved it. He wasn't used to that. People always seemed to want something, Kate included. Thinking about the way he'd treated Hugo made him ache with regret. He needed to do better, be better.
And now this whole new situation he found himself in - what even was this? Jin and Miles were probably his friends, if only due to their situation of living and working together. They got along alright, and it certainly beat being alone. But what was Juliet? In the back of his mind, he wondered what she wanted from him. Was she in the same boat as Kate, who ultimately had some unknown ulterior motive for hanging around, or was she more like Hugo, who was just a genuinely nice person looking for someone who could be just as friendly in return? He thought about the reading glasses and how she'd offered up her duffel for him to lay on. He thought about her timid smiles and the way he'd missed her company before she'd even left. She wasn't like Kate at all. At her core, despite her past, she was kind and warm-hearted. The Others made her do all that shit she didn't want to do, and he was certain that she never would have done any of that on her own. He didn't blame her for having such a hard time adapting to all this - he'd probably feel the same if he'd been stuck here for over three years. He just wished so hard he hadn't said all that stuff to her to make her think she wasn't wanted.
James knew wholeheartedly that he hardly knew what it took to be considered someone's friend. He was certainly the last person he'd want to be friends with. Yelling at them about their problems before threatening them to buck up probably wasn't a great way to approach someone you were trying to build some kind of rapport with. He may be new at this, but he definitely knew that. But despite the missteps he knew he'd made, it didn't change the fact that he felt justified in some of what he said. She needed to hear it, even if it was hard, like how she was going to have to start learning how to seek them out when she wanted company. He felt lousy about how he said it, but at least he got it off his chest.
Just as he was about to give up watching the doors, he saw her come in. She interrupted his stream of consciousness and he snapped out of it, locking eyes with her from across the room. She gave him a sad smile and a small wave before tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear and heading over to the line. He felt like he could finally let go of the breath he'd been holding. Perhaps she wasn't too mad. Perhaps all of this was going to be okay.
She sat down at the table with a turkey sandwich and an apple. James grinned proudly at her, but the moment she met his eyes, she looked away and he deflated. Perhaps they weren't out of the woods after all.
Over the next few days, James began to pay closer attention to her. She ate dinner with them each night, and actually managed to eat most of her food. She still had dark circles around her cerulean eyes, but he didn't know how to help with that. He figured she was working through some stuff, and he decided to leave her be. He'd said his peace the night of their argument, and now the rest was up to her.
After all, he was working through some stuff too. They all were.
Each night, he tried to get a read on her, but he realized she could lie like the best of them. She giggled at Miles's jokes, taught Jin words he didn't know how to say, and listened intently as James told her a story about catching Jerry with his hand down his pants at work. Her melodic laugh was infectious, and he'd find himself laughing along with her, almost forgetting for a moment that she wasn't quite back to normal yet. Because after all, she may have Jin and Miles fooled, but he could see right through her, and she knew that. In a lot of ways, he'd spent years of his life doing exactly what she was doing now: showing the world what it wanted to see, rather than what was really underneath.
As they left dinner on the last night of June, he took a chance. He plopped a hand heavily onto her shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. It startled her, but she smiled a genuine smile - his favorite kind - the kind that reached her eyes, forming crinkles in the corners. She tilted her head slightly and blinked slowly. He flashed his dimples reassuringly at her, and she smiled wider. He tilted his head forward, eyeing her critically with his eyebrows raised, and she merely nodded briefly and sighed through her nose.
It was like they'd had some kind of unspoken conversation; their intentions and words being signaled by facial movement and touch alone. It unnerved him slightly that they could do this with one another, given the fact that he felt like he knew hardly anything about her, and he'd never really been able to do this with anyone else before, even Kate. (He never knew what the hell was going on in her head). Yet, at the same time, he felt like something deep in his gut knew Juliet somehow. Like she was cut from the same cloth he was. How else could he see through her facade at dinner? How else could he tell by the brightness or dullness of her eyes, whether she was happy or not? He may not ever understand her motivations or behavior, or know everything about her and her past, but this unnameable feeling of connection was too powerful to pass off as chance. It scared him a little bit, his ability to read her, if only because he wondered if she could also read him the same way.
When the moment passed and she slipped out from under his palm, he nodded once. He finally felt reassured. She was going to be okay. They were going to be okay.
—-
When the Fourth of July came around, Horace gave everyone the afternoon off so they could attend the annual bonfire and barbeque celebration. Apparently, the event was quite the spectacle each year, as Horace always orders tons of fireworks from the mainland and imports massive amounts of frozen beef patties and hot dogs to celebrate.
Families milled about, wearing variations of red, white, and blue, and children ran shrieking through the compound, chasing each other with sparklers. The soundsystem played rock anthems through the airwaves, and just for a moment, James actually felt comfortable (and almost happy) living in this wannabe-utopian suburbia. It reminded him of simple times and small-town community: things he hadn't had in a long time.
Almost as soon as they joined the central grounds of the compound, Jin and Miles broke away from their small group to go play volleyball. James decided to take the opportunity to plop down into one of the adirondack chairs in the shade of a large tree and people-watch while sipping a beer. He was still trying to get to know who was who, and figure out who they'd need to watch out for. There was this guy, Radzinsky, who seemed tense and unfriendly - James had one run-in with him already - but otherwise, James didn't know much of anything about anyone. If they were going to settle into a fake life here, he was going to have to mingle and figure these hippies out.
James watched Blonde guy grab Blonde girl's ass, and she pushed him off. But then two seconds later, she winked and kissed Blonde guy on the cheek. James assumed they must be an item. Then there was Bearded guy who was juggling and entertaining some of the kids. He looked nice enough, til Busty Redhead walked by and he dropped his hacky-sacks, making the kids groan in disappointment. James couldn't really blame the guy. Then there was an Asian couple in the far distance, looking like they were arguing. Though he couldn't really make out the man's facial features, he kind of looked familiar for some reason. The woman tugged on the man's sleeve, but he brushed her off. She sighed, shook her head, and stormed away, headed for the food table. She didn't look back, but James watched as the man looked longingly after her. It made him sad.
After the man stalked away in the opposite direction, James averted his attention back to a group of women milling about by one of the picnic tables. His heart suddenly lodged in his throat. With her back to him, there sat a thin woman with long, curly brown hair. The way she tossed it back over her shoulders and leaned forward to talk with her friend felt familiar to him. He knew it wasn't her. It couldn't be her. But her face flashed before his mind and he gripped the armrests with such force his knuckles hurt, because he was tired of this shit. He was sick and tired of giving her any more space in his brain.
He'd been trying every night not to think of Kate. But the more he thought about not thinking about her, the deeper down the rabbit hole he went. He stressed and perseverated about his decision to jump out of the helicopter. Why the hell had he done that? What would have happened if he hadn't? He wondered how quickly she'd climbed into Jack's bed afterwards, and whether any of whatever had existed between them had been real. He knew she had it bad for the doc, but why couldn't she have had it just as bad for him?
In all honesty, the more time and distance he had from the situation, the more he felt duped by her. He knew all along she'd only been with him for convenience, or to make Jack jealous. He knew in his heart she'd only said she loved him because she was forced to. He even knew that they never would have worked out in the real world, even if he had stayed on the helicopter. They were both too destructive and too unstable - all they would do is implode, leaving themselves so worse for wear, there may be no coming back from it.
But he still cared for her. He might even still love her. He knew deep down, she had cared for him too. But it hadn't been enough.
It didn't matter now, he told himself sternly. She was gone, and he needed to make his peace with it. Clearly, something in his subconscious wanted him to let go, if his nightmares were any indication. He'd made a living on trusting his instincts and right now they were screaming at him to leave Kate in the past where she belonged. All the manipulation, pining, lying, and unhealthy cat and mouse they'd played with each other was long since over, and more than anything he needed to seal away that part of him that missed her. Because frankly, in his mind, she didn't deserve to be missed.
"This seat taken?" a small voice asked, breaking James out of his destructive thoughts. He whipped his head to the side to see the woman they'd saved, wearing a loose, white sundress, gesturing to the chair beside him. He shook his head. She sat down next to him and smiled warmly. "You know, I never got to thank you. For what you did."
"What do ya mean?" James asked curiously, though he suspected he knew.
"Saving me. Helping with Paul." She leaned back into her chair, getting comfortable, and stared out over the sea of people.
"Ah. That," he responded with a low grunt. He felt bad they hadn't saved her husband. Her grief, and her wails, had been haunting. He never wanted to feel that kind of pain - ever. "It was nothin'."
"No, it was definitely something. You saved my life," she acknowledged.
"Yeah, well. Just doin' the right thing, is all. You uh - you doin' okay?" he asked, genuinely concerned. He hadn't seen much of her over the last few weeks. He knew she moved out of her house and in with a friend, but he'd only caught glimpses of her here and there.
"I'm hanging in there. It's hard most days, but… I guess it gets easier day by day. I know he would want me to try and be happy…" She bit her lip hard, to try and keep from crying. James wondered if perhaps he shouldn't have asked. But he knew women, and everything about her indicated that she was looking to talk.
"I didn't know the guy or nothin', but I reckon you're right. I think he'd… well. I'm certain if ya really loved each other like I'm sure ya did, he'd wanna know you were doin' alright. Even if it was without him." The words echoed in his chest, and he tightened his fingers on the arm of the chair once more as his stomach soured.
She nodded her head vigorously and met his eyes briefly before looking away. He heard her sniff and take a deep, rattling breath. "So - I hear you're really fitting in well here," she tried to sound cheery, steering the subject away from her husband with a false bravado that he mentally gave her kudos for. "Horace tells me you all are great additions to the Dharma Initiative."
"Well, that's mighty kind a' you to say. Amy, right?"
"Yeah." She smiled sheepishly.
"Well Amy, you helped us out a great deal too, ya know. Never would have imagined such a fine community like this would exist on an island in the middle of the Pacific." He was laying the drawl on thick, and he could see a ghost of a smile on her face. He wasn't flirting, nor did she show any interest in him, but clearly she was proud of her freaky cult and James wanted to appear utterly impressed by their hospitality.
"It's pretty great, isn't it? I love it here. Paul and I actually met through the D.I. We hadn't been together long, but I'm grateful we were able to find one another all the same. How long have you and Juliet been together?"
James's eyebrows shot up. "Uhhh…" He laughed awkwardly. "We ain't together."
She eyed him doubtfully. "You're not? I was certain… Well, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry for misreading the situation…" She held up her hands and shook her head, obviously embarrassed.
He chuckled. "Don't worry about it. She's cute, sure, but I ain't never thought about her like that. She's just a friend." She pursed her lips in another awkward smile.
"I get it. Well, I have absolutely no business butting into your love life like that - I'm sorry." She smirked and patted the top of his hand playfully. "I should probably get going, actually. I just wanted to stop by and say thanks." She stood, and James watched her face contort, holding back some deep-rooted emotion. He wondered if thanking him had brought up Paul's memory, or if Paul had ever really left her mind to begin with. She'd clearly stopped by for more than just saying 'thank you.' James tried his best to keep the pity out of his eyes either way. But it was a sad thought: living your life each day, powerless in stopping the one you lost from haunting your every waking thought. His troubles were nothing in comparison to hers.
"Hey - no problem at all. I appreciate ya stoppin' by. I'm glad you're alright," he added genuinely.
"Thank you. I appreciate it. And hey, if you see Juliet, I'd like to thank her too. She could probably use a female friend around here." Amy smiled quickly and waved before heading over to talk to Horace.
James looked around, wondering where Juliet might be. She was nowhere to be found, at least from his vantage point, but the night was still young. If she didn't show up before they lit the bonfire, he intended on going to find her. In the meantime, he stood, stretched, and cracked his neck. He had some mingling to do.
—-
The last thing Juliet wanted to do was celebrate freedom and independence. It was almost laughable. The irony of her situation was truly comical to her at this point, as she supposed she'd never be free again. But, the hippies sure seemed to love their parties, and it seemed like the whole community had turned out for the festivities this evening.
Horace allowed everyone from the motor pool to get off at 4. Normally, she would be off by 5, so it wasn't much of a difference, but she appreciated it all the same. She took a long, hot shower, shaved her legs for the first time in weeks, and played around with the idea of wearing something other than jeans for once. She settled on high waisted blue shorts and an off the shoulder white, flowy long-sleeved top. She straightened her hair and added a little mascara just because. When she evaluated herself in the mirror, it shocked her how much she looked like she could fit right in.
She'd been doing everything in her power to take James's advice the last couple of weeks. Though she felt shame and embarrassment in the days following their argument, she supposed he'd had a valid point all along. She'd really spiraled out of control, which was an unusual occurrence for her. He'd not only had the intuition to notice (though she supposed it was an invaluable skill he'd gained as a con-man) but he'd had the gumption to actually call her out on it. She'd been shocked, but eventually grateful, and had tried to do as he said to do. She cut down on the wine, went to bed earlier, and started eating again. Despite the deep chasm of sadness in her chest, she actually did start to feel more like a person, more like herself, again.
And so, rather than sitting inside and reading like she wanted to do, Juliet decided to face the community at large and join the bonfire. It wasn't a tradition Ben had kept up with, and she was genuinely excited at the prospect of seeing fireworks again. The thought of doing something normal on a holiday, while celebrating with other people (even if she didn't normally celebrate it), was enough to put a genuine smile on her face.
As she left her house and walked towards the center of the compound, she scanned the grounds for James. She would have been happy to see any of her friends, sure, but she especially wanted to see him, if only to show him that she was truly trying. She had no idea why it mattered so much to her that he see this, but oddly enough, she wanted him to know that he had helped her a great deal and that perhaps she was starting to feel a bit better as a result. The look of pride he'd given her that night at dinner, the first one after their argument, had been so genuine and so fulfilled, but she had been too embarrassed to meet his gaze. She knew it had likely hurt his feelings, but she still felt so raw and so exposed that she'd only been able to focus on her own raging emotions at the time.
As she walked around, the smell of hamburgers assailed her, reminding her of how hungry she was. It transported her back to her childhood, running around in the backyard with her sister while her dad grilled. Surprisingly, instead of making her more homesick, it actually somehow made her even more excited for the normalcy of the evening.
Soon, she spotted James. He was talking to Horace and a couple of other guys with a beer in his hand. He looked relaxed, at home, and she grinned at the sight of his typical 'open top button and faded jeans' attire. He was waving his arms, regaling the guys with some extravagant story. As she got closer, she realized he was describing their 'wreck.' She couldn't help but snort. She knew he was lying, but only because she knew there was no wreck. As she watched him, she saw him tell the story as if he really believed it. Of course, she knew he'd been a con-man, so of course he could lie. But to see it in action? It took her breath away how seamless his words flowed together, how he never fumbled over the minutiae. Even when he was asked a question, the details just poured off his tongue like they'd been waiting to be shared. She couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever lie to her like that, and if he did, would she even be able to tell?
"Jules! Ya made it," he crooned when he spotted her. "Was wonderin' if I was gonna have to come find ya, drag ya out here kickin' and screamin'." Juliet couldn't help but notice him blatantly checking her out from her head to her sandals. His mouth was slightly open and his eyebrows were raised. Clearly she still had some surprises up her sleeve, she thought smugly.
She twisted her lips into a smile at his teasing. She joined the group and James loosely draped a friendly arm over her shoulder. "Hello again Horace," she smiled politely. The weight of James's arm over her was like a breath of fresh air; it invigorated her, though she didn't quite know why.
"Hello, Juliet! Jim here was just telling us how if it wasn't for you and your quick thinking, you guys might not have survived the storm that crash-landed you here. He says you saved them," Horace eyed her with reverence. Juliet felt a flush creep up her neck. They had discussed a backstory, but she didn't think James would just offer it up like he had. It must have been before she'd arrived.
"Oh, it was nothing…" she tried to brush it off.
"Nuh-uh. This girl right here? She's sharp as a tack," James argued playfully, removing his arm to tap lightly on the top of her head. Her shoulders felt cold from the absence of his heat.
She laughed, loving this playful side to him. He'd been so hot and cold since they arrived here, it was like mood roulette each day. Apparently today was a good one. "James exaggerates," she giggled. "It was a group effort. I just so happen to be a part of a pretty good team." She flicked her gaze to his, and she saw him give her a dimpled grin, that same look of pride she'd seen at dinner. It warmed her bones, and this time she didn't look away.
For a little while longer, the group continued to chat. Horace finally introduced her to the other men in the group, and one of the men, Brad, couldn't seem to take his eyes off her. James noticed this, of course, and for some reason he couldn't explain, it irritated him. She had plenty on her plate - she didn't need another thirsty hippie trying to beat down her door. Besides - what if Locke came back with a way home? She didn't need the stress of leaving behind some boyfriend when they didn't belong here. So, he did the only thing he could think of: he draped his arm across her shoulders once more, pulled her in close, and planted a kiss on the top of her head. He gave Brad the stink eye, and watched (quite pleased with himself) when Brad made some excuse and left the group.
Juliet froze when she felt James's warm lips on the top of her head. She tried to keep her face still, but she must have looked stunned because after Brad left, Horace excused himself too, and the other men followed. James dropped his arm once more and chuckled to himself, saying, "Whew, that was a close one."
She whirled on him, confused. "What?"
"That fella couldn't keep his eyes off you. You're welcome." He winked at her and finished off his beer before letting out a loud burp.
"I don't - I'm not following you. Since when is it a problem for a cute guy to be talking to me? Did I look like I was in trouble to you?"
James furrowed his eyebrows. Now he was the one confused. "Ya got a lot goin' on, sunshine. Last thing you need is some creepy guy tryin'a get in your pants."
Juliet's jaw dropped and she felt her face flame. She shook her head in disbelief. "I'm sorry. I'm still confused. You think that when a woman is stressed or having a hard time, she doesn't want someone to want to get into her pants? I thought you slept with women for a living." The flippancy of her remark made James sputter.
He barked a laugh. "Are you sayin' you wanna sleep with that sleazeball? He couldn't stop starin' at your chest from the moment you walked up!"
"No, but he wasn't doing anything wrong. We were just talking. And you… you just - what - acted like I belonged to you or something? You scared him off!" she hissed. She wasn't really mad, per se. She knew he was just trying to protect her like a big brother would, but there was nothing wrong with what Brad was doing. In fact, it was nice to feel wanted again. It had been a really, really long time since she'd been wanted.
"I was tryin' to help you. Hell, if people think we're together then they'll leave you alone." James truly had no idea what she was getting so upset about. Couldn't she see that he was doing her a favor?
Juliet huffed a laugh. "What if I don't want to be left alone? What if I want the company?" she admitted, and then instantly regretted it. The teasing smile melted off his face, replaced with something she didn't quite recognize. Or rather, something she didn't recognize on him.
James felt his heart constrict at her words. He didn't know what to say. Her eyes looked at him accusingly, then softened. A look of surprise flashed across her face and he panicked. Because for a split second, he thought about being the one that kept her company. Had she seen that? Could she read him just as thoroughly as he felt he could read her? Or perhaps he was just consumed by his own hubris - perhaps he couldn't read her as well as he thought he could.
"Hey! Juliet! You made it!" Miles crowed. He was slurring already and the tension of the moment was shattered. He took a huge bite of a hamburger and shoved some her way. "Want some?" he mumbled with his mouth full.
She laughed, and the sound tickled James's ears. "No thank you, Miles. I'll go get my own. Jin, have you eaten yet?"
Jin shook his head and grinned before offering up his arm. "I go with you," he announced proudly. He seemed to have been drinking too. A smile split across her face as she took his arm and together they walked off to the food table. James watched her go, feeling a familiar tug of jealousy deep in his gut. It was small, barely budding from the surface of his soul, but it was there.
And it scared the shit out of him.
—-
By the time the bonfire started, most of the Dharma Initiative was either wasted, high, or both. The rock music from earlier had been replaced by slow, groovy, bluesy songs Juliet always associated with the 70s. Dusk had finally fallen and the glow of the setting sun cast everyone in shadow as she watched them stack logs on the beach fire. She wondered if it made James think of his time on the beach after they'd crashed, when there was still hope for rescue. She didn't know which was worse: having hope when they didn't stand a chance, or knowing for certain that no one would be coming to rescue them.
She sat by herself, cross-legged in the sand with a beer in her hand. Only her second of the evening, which she was proud of. Jin and Miles were tossing a football with a couple of the security guys down at the water's edge, and James was assisting Horace with building the bonfire. She watched his muscles flex under her shirt, and as much as she knew she should probably look away, she didn't.
She was alone, but not alone in the way she had been for the first few weeks of joining the D.I. It was a comfortable solitude now; one that, as an introvert, she craved from time to time. She was both part of the festivities and also separate enough to be able to watch everyone else have a good time and enjoy the last drops of sunshine as it steadily dipped past the horizon.
She listened to the smattering of conversations happening around her, plus the crackling of the bonfire and crashing of the waves. For the first time in a very long time, she felt a semblance of peace wash over her. She wasn't truly 100% back to her old self yet, that she knew, but she realized with stunning clarity that James had been right. She wasn't an outsider anymore. The guys did want her around. And there was no need for her to be all alone anymore.
Thinking about James sobered her dreamy mood, though. She knew she'd never fully figure him out, but it irritated her nonetheless that just when she lowered her guard, he'd do something that surprised her or caused her alarm. Like earlier today, when he'd placed his arm on her the first time. It had surprised her, but she could easily chalk it up to him being friendly and reminding her that she was welcome in their circle of conversation. But when he'd kissed her head to scare away Brad? That had been something else entirely. She'd spent the whole day wondering why he'd done that, and what he stood to gain as a result of her not meeting anyone. Why else would he have done that?
It didn't matter whether Brad pursued her or not. She decided resolutely that she wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone. She had no room on her plate right now, he'd been right about that. But wasn't that for her to decide? Why had he felt so compelled to make that choice for her? She'd already told Horace they weren't an item, and then he went and did that. Would Horace think she'd been lying all along?
Her growing friendship with James was something Juliet was certainly happy about, though it never ceased to surprise her. She was grateful he'd (more or less) been able to leave all her misdeeds in the past where they belonged, and she swore to pay him the same courtesy. He was trying hard not to be Sawyer anymore, as far as she could see. All the lying and brown-nosing he'd been doing was surely just a countermeasure to protect their place in the D.I. She didn't know where they'd be without his quick thinking and charm. Probably still stuck out in the jungle, or with the Others. Or worse.
She smiled as she watched him join Miles and Jin once the bonfire was going strong. He joined their game seamlessly and she watched his face light up with joy when a wave rolled over his bare feet. Despite their rocky start, she decided she truly was glad to call him a friend. They'd been through a lot together, and perhaps that shared pain and shared loss bonded them in a way she hadn't realized before. After all, she'd felt an unnameable connection to him ever since he'd been caged with Kate. He'd been thrown in a physical one, but she'd been thrown in a mental one. He did what he had to do to survive, so did she. She'd given up a spot on the zodiac in order to help redeem herself and save as many of the Oceanic survivors as they could, and he'd sacrificed his own happiness to protect his friends on the helicopter. They'd both killed someone when they felt it justified (at least at the time). Juliet shook her head and drew shapes in the sand. She hadn't realized how much they truly had in common until now.
And now that she was thinking about it… It wasn't until he'd put his arm on her shoulders that she also realized that she didn't mind it being placed there. When she felt adrift, it was as if he acted as her anchor, tying her to reality and keeping her from losing it entirely. If anything, his arm had only reminded her of this fact that she'd been too blind to see - whether it be from drowning in her own self-pity or his ever-present moodiness, she'd lost sight of the fact that they were in this shit together. She only hoped that someday, she could do the same for him.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the muffled thump of someone plopping down next to her. She looked up from the sand where she was drawing random shapes, and found James grinning cheekily at her.
"Hey there," she greeted.
"Hey yourself." He stretched his legs out and leaned back on his hands.
"I thought you were playing with the guys?"
"I was. But it's gettin' dark now. Plus, they're 'bout to do fireworks and this seemed like a good spot to watch."
"Where are they setting them off from?" she asked curiously, scanning the beach to see where they were setting up. James pointed to a wooden pallet down the right-hand side of the beach. They'd have to shift their positions to the right a little, but they'd have a great view from where they were sitting. "Ah. I see."
"You have fun today?" he asked, genuinely wanting to know the answer. He still felt bad about the stunt he'd pulled earlier with Brad, even though he still felt justified.
She turned her face towards his and nodded, giving him a genuine smile. Her eyes sparkled in the light of the bonfire and it took James's breath away. Everything about her glowed, and he felt his chest constrict just by looking at her. "Thank you, for making me come to my senses." She averted her eyes and he swallowed, grateful for the break in contact. That was the second time today he was thanked for doing something - must be a new record for him. He wasn't sure he'd ever been thanked for anything.
"Hey, ain't a problem. We always need sense knocked into us every so often. Just glad you're havin' a good time."
"I am," she said resolutely. He believed her.
Just then, the first burst of fireworks exploded in the night sky. The crowd cheered before a hush fell over everyone as they settled in to watch. Juliet actually clapped excitedly before turning away from him to watch the show. Absentmindedly, she flung her straight hair over her back, exposing the smooth paleness of her shoulder. Reflexively, an image popped into James's mind of him leaning forward to brush a kiss against her skin, and the feeling of her goosebumps under his fingertips as he traced the outline of her shirt. But just as quickly, the image faded. He blinked, trying to understand what just happened. Where the hell had that come from?!
She looked back at him, grinning, and he just stared at her. An explosion of color sparkled above and behind her head, but he hardly noticed. Her vibrant eyes locked on his and it was as if the world around him slowed. She was positively radiant and the image of her smiling at him with fireworks exploding in the background was imprinted onto his mind, likely for forever. Why was she looking at him, and not at the show?
He suddenly came to his senses and reared back like he'd been slapped. The smile faded from her lips and she watched him with concern. "James, are you okay?" she asked quietly.
He shook his head and swallowed hard. He wasn't okay. This couldn't be happening. It's one thing to check out a hot, leggy blonde when she was showing so much skin for the first time. It was also acceptable to act protective around a friend when her coworkers were harassing her or when a stranger was blatantly staring. It was, however, another thing entirely to be so captivated by a person that just the sparkle in her eyes alone made his heart stop or turn his breath ragged. He shouldn't, under any circumstances, imagine placing his lips on the bare skin of someone who was just a friend, regardless of how attractive they were.
His heart began to hammer. "I'm good, I'm good… I just don't really feel well all of a sudden. I'm - I'm gonna go…" he stammered, and rose from his seat. He needed air, and he couldn't gulp down enough while in her presence. She moved to stand too, as if she meant to go with him, but he held up a hand. "No. You stay here. I don't want you to miss the show."
"It's okay, I don't mind - " she started to say, but he groaned in frustration. She froze.
"Juliet. Stay here. I wanna be alone right now, okay?" he growled. She blinked slowly up at him, and the air stilled between them. The cracking, shrieking, and popping of fireworks in the distance was the only reminder that time was actually still flowing around them.
"Okay…" she relented, and she resumed her position, staring out at the fireworks. He stomped off, grumbling to himself, not noticing that she turned her face back to him to watch him leave.
—-
At home, James paced in his bedroom. He was more conflicted and confused now than he'd been all day, and he'd spent all day thinking of Kate. These women were going to be the death of him.
As soon as he'd gotten home, he'd poured himself two shots of whiskey, trying to erase the image of a smiling Juliet from his mind. Now, he only felt drunk, conflicted, and confused. It was beyond agitating.
He didn't want to think of her like that. Shouldn't he only think of Kate like that? But wait, wasn't he trying to get over her? But just because he was trying to get over her didn't mean he wanted to start liking someone else. What the hell was the matter with him?
Maybe the two women were associated somehow in his subconscious. He didn't know shit about psychology but surely that happened, right? Maybe, because of their shared experiences on Hydra Island, the two were linked somehow in his mind. After all, oftentimes when he'd dream of Kate, Juliet was there too, and he didn't feel anything for Juliet like he felt for Kate. It only stood to reason then that if he let go of Kate, his brain would let go of these weird feelings of Juliet too. Right? Certainly, this was all because his mind was playing tricks on him. Kate wasn't here and Juliet was. So he must just be transferring his feelings from one to the other.
He nodded to himself. Yeah, that made sense. He felt more confident now. He was probably just bullshitting himself, but what other explanation was there? He had to see this through. He had to try. Because if he was being totally honest with himself, he was utterly done. He was done dreaming about Kate. He was done missing her. He was done thinking about her. And he sure as hell was done loving someone who didn't love him back.
He locked his bedroom door, just in case she came looking for him. He dropped his pants, removed his shirt, and crawled into bed. He sighed, hating himself for this, but he started to think of Kate: her eyes, her curls, her ass… This was it. This was the last time, he told himself, and he meant it. After today, he wouldn't think of her face again. In fact, he hoped and prayed that after today, maybe months or years down the line, he wouldn't even remember what she looked like. Because he couldn't take much more of this.
He still heard the remnants of fireworks in the background as he came all over his hand.
—-
The next day, Juliet wiped her sweaty brow on the back of her hand. She set down her wrench and took a long swig of her canteen as she finished up on van #3. She didn't even notice as Miles approached until he was standing right behind her. He said her name and she jumped, placing her free hand over her heart as it pounded from the surprise.
"Miles! You scared me!" she shrieked, and swatted him playfully.
"Whatever, sorry. Hey listen - what the hell happened between you and Jim last night?" he accused.
She blanched, raising her eyebrows. "Excuse me?" she asked, stunned by his question. Nothing had happened between them, so what the hell was he talking about?
"I saw him go sit next to you before the fireworks started. When they were over, I look up again and he's gone and you looked all sad or whatever. Then this morning, he starts acting like a total dickwad. Like, seriously, a freakin' tool."
"I don't - " She shook her head in amazement. "Miles, nothing happened. I don't know why he's in a bad mood. But I swear, I didn't say anything to him."
"Then what else could it be?"
Juliet scratched behind her ear, thinking. "You know… he's been moody ever since we got here. You saw that just as much as I did. Sometimes he's fine, and sometimes he's not. Maybe it's just that? Maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the bed?" Or, he had another nightmare, she mused. But she couldn't tell Miles that.
"Nah. No way. This is different." He sighed, and ran a hand along the top of his head in agitation.
Suddenly it dawned on her. A thought tickled the back of her brain and she homed in on it. Something about July… Oh no, she thought painfully. July. James had lost his parents sometime in July. Perhaps that was what had occurred to him on the beach? Had the fireworks reminded him of them somehow?
"Miles, I think I might know… but it's private. James wouldn't want me telling anyone."
"Oh ho ho - really now? So, you guys are such good pals he tells you his secrets?" he scoffed.
She grimaced. "No, but I did read it in his file without his permission before I ever met him. You know about that, don't you Miles?" she deadpanned. He blinked at her, the only indication that he'd heard her. He nodded slowly. "So maybe we just leave him be, okay? I'm sure he'll get past it eventually. I can check on him though; make sure he's okay."
Miles grumbled. "Yeah, you do that." An awkward silence fell between them. Juliet was certain that was that, and Miles would leave, knowing she had nothing to do with James's sour mood. But she watched as his face softened, and he started fidgeting with her tools that were laid out on the workbench. "So… I guess there's something else, too."
"Okay," she encouraged softly, tilting her head to the side and trying to read his expression.
He cleared his throat. "I can't talk now, cuz I'm on duty. But… I know we're not exactly buddies or whatever but… well…"
She nodded, thinking she understood. "Is there something you want to talk about later?" It was more of a statement than a question. He worked his jaw from side to side and nodded. "Okay, sure. How about after dinner tonight?"
"Yeah, that works," he agreed, and set her screwdriver back down where he found it. He'd been flipping it around his fingers like a baton.
"Okay, great. We can go to my house and talk then." Miles mumbled a response but walked away without making eye contact with her. She watched him for a moment before calling out, "Hey Miles?" He turned and looked at her. "Just because we didn't used to be friends doesn't mean we aren't now." She watched his lips turn up at the corners in a grin and she beamed. He gave her a small wave as he left, and she sighed to herself, feeling warm and fuzzy all over.
—-
That night at dinner, it was plain as day what Miles had been talking about. James was grumpy as sin. The crease between his eyebrows was deep and his whole body was wrought with tension. She didn't understand it. She thought just yesterday that they were on good terms again, just for him to act like he hated all three of them today. Even Jin was feeling the effects of James's mood. He actually suggested to her while they waited in line for their food that the three of them sit somewhere else. It pained her to know that James was feeling something so deeply that it was souring his entire demeanor, but she couldn't help him right now. She hoped it would go away after a day or two, but planned to ask him about it if it didn't.
She spent dinner trying to diffuse the tension, and pretend like nothing was wrong. James merely grumbled and kept to himself, refusing to meet her eye. She tried to remind herself that she'd done nothing wrong, and it was likely he was just in pain, thinking about his parents.
Dinner couldn't end fast enough, and as promised, Miles followed her back to her house after they cleaned up their table. James watched them go, not sure how to deal with the growing jealousy burning in his stomach. He and Juliet were friends and friends only, he reminded himself, and she was just as much friends with Miles as she was with him. He tried to steady his breathing, but he saw Juliet reach out and lay her hand on Miles's shoulder as they walked and the dam broke. He stormed off, leaving a confused (but grateful) Jin in his wake.
Once they arrived at Juliet's house, she tossed Miles a beer. She herself decided on water tonight, and they sat in her living room, awkwardly staring at one another. She shot him a pointed look; a silent 'this was your idea, you know!' to encourage him to get started. She watched as he zipped and unzipped his jumpsuit, showing the white t-shirt underneath.
"I'm not great at this whole 'talking' thing," Miles blurted. "But you know, you're a girl or whatever so I figured it'd be easier to talk to you than the guys."
She was surprised at his honesty, right out of the gate. "Did something happen, Miles?"
He pursed his lips before opening his mouth to speak, working his jaw from side to side. "You know, I always knew this island was freaky and weird, and at first I thought these people must also be giant bozos to want to be in a place like this." She said nothing, waiting for him to continue. "But then I - " He shook his head, and stared down into his lap. "I saw my mom, dude."
Juliet's jaw dropped. "You what?" she breathed in disbelief.
He finally met her gaze. "I know, right? Like, how fucking weird is that? But I swear - I was at the party yesterday and I shit you not, I saw my mom walking around with some guy."
Juliet fought the smile that was straining to appear on her face. "Was that man your father?"
Miles stared at the wall over her head. "I don't know. Probably. I didn't know my dad growing up."
The sentence punched into Juliet's stomach and she heard her breath hitch. "Oh, Miles… that must have been really hard," she commiserated.
He nodded vigorously. "It was weird. Like, super freakin' weird."
"Did you… say anything to her?"
"No! Are you kidding? What would I even say? 'Hi, I'm your son from the future and it's good to see you again since you've been dead for years?' No way."
Juliet felt her chest constrict. So, he'd been all alone too. "So what did you do?"
He shrugged and leaned his head on the back of the chair. "I did nothing. I just… stared at her, I guess. At them. I haven't seen her in so long, it like… I don't know, it like, took my breath away to see her like that. She looked so young and - fuck, alive. I wanted to go hug her but I knew I couldn't. It's been bothering me ever since…"
"I can't even imagine. That must have been so surreal." Juliet shook her head. She thought back to the nosebleeds they'd gotten when they were time traveling. Charlotte had gotten it first, then Miles. Maybe he was raised here, and he didn't even know it. "What year were you born, Miles?" she asked delicately, wondering if she even wanted to know.
"1977. Why?" Juliet nodded.
"Did your mom ever mention being with someone before your dad?" Miles shook his head. "If she's wearing a ring, then I think that man was most likely your father. Charlotte's just a little kid here, and perhaps…" She didn't need to continue. Recognition flashed across Miles's face.
"You think I was born here. You think that's why her and I were the first ones to be affected by the nosebleeds." Juliet nodded sadly. "Shit…" Miles breathed, and he ran his hands over his face. "That guy was my dad…"
"I think so," she agreed. She stood from her place on the couch and sat in the chair next to his. She took his hand in hers, and he made no effort to pull away. "But you know, perhaps this isn't a bad thing. You said your mom passed away. Maybe this is an opportunity, you know? Perhaps you could befriend her and be able to spend more time with her; time that maybe you didn't get before," she encouraged. He shrugged, half-heartedly, not totally convinced.
"You don't think that would be weird?" he asked, the doubt evident in his voice.
"I think it's only weird if you think it's weird. It's your life. If you want to try talking to her, do it. If it's too much for you, then just don't do it again. I'd say it's worth a try, though. None of us will judge you for it and no one else on the island knows who you truly are."
He sighed loudly. "What would you do? If the person you missed most was here somehow, in the past?"
Juliet considered his question carefully. "The person I miss most is my sister. Her name's Rachel. Right now, she's going to be turning seven somewhere out there, and I'm almost four. I don't know if it would be the same, befriending her as a child but I do understand what you mean. I thought about leaving the island and finding my family, maybe befriending my mom out in the real world. But… I guess that wasn't meant to be," she said as she smiled sadly at him. "If I were in your shoes though? I wouldn't see the harm in trying."
Miles nodded. "I guess you're right. I can just say hi or something, right?"
"Right."
He exhaled loudly through his nose. "Okay. I'll try it." He stood and grabbed the beer off the coffee table. He chugged it down and brought the can into the kitchen to throw away. When he was done, he eyed her sheepishly. "Thanks. For listening."
Juliet couldn't help herself. She pulled him into a hug and squeezed tightly. "You're welcome," she murmured, and she smiled to herself as she felt his arms snake around her too, albeit more loosely than hers. He was still Miles after all; but it didn't bother her.
They said their goodbyes, and when Miles left Juliet's house, he laughed to himself. He felt loads better and was grateful he'd had the courage to seek out her friendship in the first place.
—-
James couldn't see. He stumbled around his house in the Dharma barracks and growled in frustration as none of the light switches worked. He cursed loudly when he stubbed his toe, trying to find his way back to his bedroom. When he finally found the doorknob, he twisted it and stepped inside his room.
Standing in the middle of the room was Juliet. She was glowing, as if made of pure moonlight. Her blonde hair cascaded down around her shoulders in waves, and she wore nothing but a tight tank top and short shorts.
"Hi," she breathed, and beamed at him. "I've been waiting for you to get back." James's jaw dropped. How had she gotten in here? He swore he'd only been gone a minute.
She approached him slowly, smiling wickedly all the while. James froze in place, watching her. He saw her reach out a hand to stroke his cheek, and he felt himself lean into it. Her fingertips were cool, and she traced his jawline with one finger, before dipping down to trail it along his neck, landing gently on his chest, just above his heart. He felt his pulse begin to race, and she stepped even closer, until there were mere inches between them.
She licked her lips and placed both hands on either side of his face. He felt himself raise his hands to slip under her tank top, groaning at the softness of the skin underneath. Using her fingernails, she raked her hands through his hair and caressed the sides of his neck with her thumbs. He slipped his hands into her shorts to grab her ass, pulling her even closer to him.
For a moment, they merely breathed the same air. Both were almost panting as their hands continued their gentle caresses. But it was getting to be too much. James was starting to feel desperate. He needed her lips on his, now. He leaned forward, just as she began to pull back. His lips were millimeters from hers when he felt her whisper one word: "James."
He shot up in bed, breathing hard. His erection pressed tightly against his boxers, and he gripped the bedsheets, trying to calm down. What the fuck was that?! He'd never dreamed of her like that before. The scent of her still lingered in his nose, as if she'd really been there in his bedroom. He could still see the coy smile that had graced her face, before he'd ruined it by waking up.
He almost tried to play dumb and ask himself what it meant. But he didn't. Because he knew.
He was fucked.
