A/N: Not a huge fan of this chapter, but they can't all be winners, lol. These transition chapters where not a lot happens are killing me - I'm tryna get to the good stuff! (The next chapter should be *insert heart eyes emoji here*) but it might take me a week or so to get it uploaded.

—-

I can't fight this feeling any longer

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow

What started out as friendship has grown stronger

I only wish I had the strength to let it show

REO Speedwagon, Can't Fight This Feeling

—-

Chapter 5: Tabula Rasa

Two days after his first (and undoubtedly not the last) dream of Juliet, James sat in the security station, staring absently at the monitors. If the hostiles were going to invade, now would probably be the best time to do it, because James's mind was elsewhere. He'd slept fitfully the last two nights, and he could feel the heaviness of fatigue hanging low on his brow. He could probably fall asleep now, if it wasn't for his racing heart as he thought about what had happened at the bonfire. She'd looked fucking gorgeous. And her smile… Jesus. It had pierced right through him.

He'd somehow developed a crush on Juliet. Or did they not call it a crush nowadays? Did grown people get crushes, or was that reserved for kids? He didn't know what else to call it, but he realized he'd been fighting it for weeks now. It had crept behind him slowly, always lurking in the shadows; there, but just out of reach. Until now, at least. Now it was blowing an airhorn in his ear and flashing like the sparklers from that night right behind his eyes. It burned in him like the bonfire he'd helped build, and it wanted to be seen. It wanted to be satiated.

He wondered if this was because of Kate. Again, he thought about whether letting her go had somehow transferred onto Juliet. But that couldn't be true, because he'd been fighting this for a lot longer than that, hadn't he? He just hadn't known what to do with it. He didn't want to feel this way. He'd just gotten his heart broken, even if he'd been the one to do it to himself. Why couldn't he just like her as a friend? He wasn't ready to feel this weird bond between them pulled so taut he couldn't breathe.

All day yesterday and then again this morning, he hadn't known how to be. He knew he'd acted like a jackass, but at first it was because he felt blindsided by this unexpected, grand reveal in his brain. Then it was in spite of it. He knew it hadn't been fair to those around him, but whenever he thought about her, his chest burned and crotch ached and he angrily (and unfairly) blamed it on the fact that it had been ages since he'd gotten laid. Miles even made a comment about James needing to 'hook up and get it out of his system,' but how the hell could he even do that? The old Sawyer would just hit on some random bimbo, get a good fuck in, and go about his business. But they were trying to fit in here, not make enemies, and he was trying his damnedest to keep out of trouble.

Plus, he didn't really want to have sex with anyone but her. Oh Jesus Christ, he groaned inwardly, and ran a hand over his face. When the hell did I start wanting to have sex with her?!

He should have known this was coming. Really and truly, he should have expected this. He thought back to the first time he saw her in the jungle, before she'd tased him. He'd checked her out without a moment's hesitation. He'd even flirted with her on occasion, after she'd gone with him to save Jin, Bernard, and Sayid. He'd admired her back for hours as they rowed in the outrigger during the time flashes and practically drooled at her cleavage as the wet fabric clung to her body after the storm. Even worse than the physical aspects of his attraction to her though? He'd opened up to her. She was the one he'd told about seeing Kate. She was the one who calmed him, just by laying her hands on him. Her voice was like cold water on a burn: delicate and soothing, the moment it graced his ears. No one had ever been able to reset him like she did.

He'd put his hands on her hips and held her close as they hid from the smoke monster. At the time, he'd told himself it was to protect her, to keep her tethered to him. But it wasn't. He'd just wanted to feel her body as close to his as he could muster. Had he somehow let her get too close? No. He'd done everything in his power to push her away all this time, not let her in. Their first two weeks here had been just that - him keeping her at arm's length. He'd denied his attachment to her and pretended not to miss her before she'd even left. Hell, maybe their connection had just formed long before he'd even realized it, even if it was just now rearing its ugly (and unwelcomed) head.

As if on cue, as if she manifested right out of his imagination, Juliet came trotting down the security office stairs. She was dressed in her blue jumpsuit and her hair was tied back into a neat ponytail. James startled, sitting upright in his chair and pretending like he was doing something. He fiddled with some buttons before swiveling his chair around to face her.

"Hey," she greeted warmly as she straddled the unused rolling chair next to him. His mouth almost watered as his eyes drifted down to her open legs. He snapped them back up before she could notice.

"What're you doin' here?" he demanded, and it came out rougher than he meant it to.

She didn't seem phased, and crossed her arms over the back of the seat before resting her chin on her forearm. "I came to talk. I heard you were here alone, so I finished my lunch break early to come see you."

"Why the hell'd you do that?"

She cocked her head to the side and gave him a knowing, sad smile. His heart lurched. Did she know? Oh fuck. "Is everything okay with you? You've been… well, it seems like ever since the bonfire you've been upset."

Or maybe she doesn't know? "I'm fine," he spat, and focused on her forehead. He couldn't look her in the eye, it seemed.

"Sure, yeah. Of course you are." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "It's just that, you've been a bit grouchy and I figured, you know, now that we're at the point in our relationship where we're calling each other out on our bullshit, I might ask you to tell me what's going on so I can help." She grinned mischievously and he felt a crack form in his carefully built facade. He smiled, despite himself, and she responded by looking like she'd won the damn lottery.

"Okay, okay, Sherlock - so I been a bit moody lately. So what?"

"You left the bonfire in a hurry. You looked like you'd seen a ghost or something. I told the guys to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if it didn't go away, I said I'd check on you." She swiveled slightly in her chair and he watched her knees as they rotated back and forth.

"Ah, I see how it is," he drawled sarcastically. "You my handler now? Gotta keep me in line?"

"No, but your friends are concerned. Should they be? Or will this pass?" His eyes flicked to hers. That was a damn good question. Would it pass?

"Who the hell knows," he replied vaguely. She inhaled deeply through her nose.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she tried again, starting to feel slightly annoyed at his vagueness.

"Nope."

She nodded and fiddled with the hem of her jumpsuit sleeve. "If this is about… you know - you do know you can talk to me, right?" she reminded him nervously, like maybe she regretted the words the moment they left her mouth.

"About…?" he tried clarifying, shaking his head, not understanding.

She pursed her lips, looking for the right words. "I read your file, James. I don't remember much, they really had me focus mostly on Jack, but I know enough." Recognition dawned on his face. He'd been so caught up in his adjustment to the Dharma Initiative, he hadn't even realized the anniversary was coming up soon. He sighed and wiped a hand down his face. "I know we agreed to leave the past in the past, and I don't mean to bring up the file… I only wanted you to know that you didn't have to hide anything from me. I'm here for you, if you want me to be."

"For now," he snapped. A heavy silence descended upon the room. For a few moments, they merely stared at each other, at an impasse. James didn't want to talk about his parents. He didn't want to talk about his crush on her. At this point, he didn't want to talk to her about anything.

"Did you mean what you said that night? Do you think I should leave?" she almost whispered. His retort had left her feeling unsettled, and she was suddenly desperate for his reassurance that he'd only said that in anger.

He scoffed. "You better fuckin' not." Despite the awkwardness of the conversation, his comment made her smile. She understood now that being his friend came with commitments. She didn't see James as the type of person to open up to just anyone. If he leaned on her as a friend, it meant something. Leaving would certainly devastate him, as evidenced by his curt response and the way he'd seemed relieved when he'd found her on the beach. He would never open up to her or rely on her in any way if he thought she would just leave him behind. It pleased her to some degree, that she was finally starting to understand little bits of what made him tick. It wasn't much, but it was something.

"I won't, if you won't," she promised with clarity and certainty, holding out her pinky. He eyed her outstretched hand warily. She was offering him a pinky promise. Don't girls see that shit as binding? he thought to himself. He swallowed thickly before reaching with his own. He curled his pinky around hers and they smiled goofily at each other before she pulled away. He thought he would feel silly, but he didn't. Somehow, he felt reassured.

After a moment, James cleared his throat. "Didja mean what you said, too? That I'd see her again someday?" He thought about the note she'd left him, the day she was supposed to leave.

Her smile faded, but she nodded. He wondered why. "I do," she responded confidently.

He knocked his knee into her own, eyes never leaving her face. "It'd be okay if I didn't, though." It wasn't a question.

Her eyebrows raised and her lips pursed. "I see," she said with a nod. It was a lie - she didn't see. She had no idea what he meant by that. Was he trying to tell her that he'd be okay if they stayed here forever, as long as Kate was safe somewhere out there? Or that he was over her? Should she be pleased by the statement, either way? She cleared her throat before adding, "You know - none of this explains the surliness, though. I'm gonna have to come up with something, since you're not telling me what's wrong."

James shrugged with one shoulder. "Make it up. I don't care." He turned away from her and watched the monitors, hoping she'd get the hint. He had a lot of thinking to do. As much as he wanted to believe what he'd told her, he wasn't sure if he really did.

"Okay…" she relented, and got up from her chair. "Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me." He waited until her footsteps began to recede before turning and watching her walk away over his shoulder.

It suddenly occurred to him that he really liked her, for who she was. She was kind, attractive, smart, and witty. She was a good friend, when he allowed her to be. He knew that if they'd met under different circumstances, he likely never would have hated her at all. If he had been able to view her under a completely untainted lens outside of island politics, he was certain he would have asked her out by now.

But he hadn't met her under different circumstances. He'd been her prisoner, not her equal. And he'd somehow developed this crush on her, one that he hadn't asked for. And now that he was getting past the shock of this newfangled discovery, the indecision was eating him alive. Did he let this fizzle out, because there was no way they could ever be more than friends? She would certainly never go for it; she'd never be interested in him that way. Or, did he come onto her and hope for the best, even if it meant losing her friendship, which was tenuous at best?

He honestly didn't know. And all the thinking in circles did was give him a headache and make him even grouchier than he'd been before her visit.

—-

James did his best to avoid Juliet when he could, without going out of his way to hurt her feelings. He'd angle his body away from her at dinner, borrow a jeep when she was at lunch or before she got to work, or (when necessary) feign illness when she was over at the house. But he couldn't hide from her in his dreams.

He'd always been a vivid dreamer since childhood, but this island seemed to enhance them. They would feel so real, he'd wake up with her scent still lingering in his nostrils, or sometimes he'd swear he felt the weight of her curled up next to him. But each night he was alone.

He felt like no matter what he did, he couldn't escape her. This 'crush' wasn't going away, it was only getting worse. But he still didn't know what to do about it. Just because his body wanted her, didn't mean his mind did. Or rather, it didn't mean he was ready for his mind to want her.

One night in the middle of July, Jin cooked dinner and James breathed a sigh of relief that he wouldn't have to choke down his meal with her big blue eyes staring him down and making him nervous. The knots in his stomach could uncoil and he could just relax.

But no. He heard her beautiful voice floating down the hallway to his bedroom as he got dressed after his shower. He closed his eyes and groaned. Her voice alone was enough to give him a semi these days, and he had to take deep, calming breaths to unclench before he walked out of his bedroom.

He could make an excuse to stay in his room, but he'd already done that twice this week and besides, he was starving, and whatever Jin made smelled delicious. He was just going to have to make do.

He made his way into the kitchen wearing pajama pants and a tight-fitting t-shirt. He suspected it might be Miles's that got mixed into his laundry, but it was too late now. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, cracked it open, and chugged the whole thing while standing in the cool draft of the still-open fridge. He burped loudly, tossed the can in the trash, and grabbed another before slamming the fridge closed. When he turned around, all three of his friends were staring at him with varying expressions of surprise, and in Miles's case, disgust.

"Dude, you've been insufferably surly for long enough. It's been almost two weeks, man. You've gotta lighten up," he complained, and threw his own empty beer can at James's head. He deflected it and slapped Miles on the back of the head as he passed him by.

"Can it, Miles," he grumbled, and plopped down onto the couch. Miles raised his eyebrows in surprise. No nickname. He must be serious.

"If you're still that horny then just go knock on literally any woman's door," Miles sneered and started getting out plates from the cupboard.

James felt his face flush as he glared at him. "The hell you talkin' bout?"

Juliet snickered and shot James an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to say!" she pleaded with him to understand. There was no way she was going to admit to anything that might be too close to the truth. She hadn't wanted to break his confidence. She had deduced his bad mood had something to do with either his parents or Kate or both, and none of that was anyone's business but his. She'd been a little hurt he hadn't shared anything about his sudden change in demeanor, but she was trying to give him space to sort through whatever it was.

"Say about what!?" he exclaimed, bewildered. He leaned forward and Juliet watched the way his muscles pushed against his tight shirt. A flush crept up her neck at the sight. He was too gorgeous for his own good.

Jin started divvying out fish filets onto the four plates. "Juliet say you angry because you no be with woman for long time."

James's jaw dropped into his lap. "She did what now?" he hissed, staring daggers at her.

She raised her hands in self-defense. "You said to make it up! I tried asking you what was wrong and you wouldn't tell me!" Besides, it was believable enough.

James knocked his head back into the wall and closed his eyes. She wasn't too far off-base. He tried to take deep, calming breaths, but Miles and Jin's snickering was like nails on a chalkboard. But maybe they had a point. Maybe he really did need to get laid. Maybe it would help him get over his crush, too.

"If it makes you feel any better, Jim, I'm sure there's loads of women tryin' to fuck you, man. You're a lucky piece of shit, you know that?" Miles brought the plates to the table and Juliet grabbed a diet soda from the fridge. She flinched at the statement. She didn't want to think about that.

James sighed as he rose from the couch and they all gathered around the dining room table. "This ain't dinner talk, boys. Not in front of the lady," he jerked his head to the right where Juliet had sat next to him. He could smell her shampoo from clustering so close together around the small table, and he gripped his fork tightly in his hand to prevent himself from touching her. "But maybe you're right. Ya know, that teacher… whatsername… Olivia? She's cute."

With his mouth full, Miles replied with a wave of his fork, "I thought you liked brunettes? Since when do you go for blondes?"

James's stomach tightened and the air whooshed out of his lungs. His eye twitched as he forced himself to stare straight ahead at Miles, rather than looking over at Juliet. She didn't seem to notice his sudden discomfort. "Women're women, Miles. I ain't got a type."

Juliet squirmed in her seat, uncomfortable with the conversation. For some reason she couldn't define, thinking of James sleeping with anyone made her unhappy. She felt a growing bond between them, but how could they commiserate with one another if he was off screwing some girl he barely knew? He'd have no time left for her.

She decided to change the subject. "So James, your birthday is coming up. Do you know what you want to do?"

Miles crudely made a circle with his thumb and forefinger and stuck his opposite pointer finger repeatedly through the hole. James reached across the table to slap the side of his head. "OW!" he shouted, but grinned all the same.

"I don't care. Nothing," James replied to her question, frustrated. He didn't understand why he felt like bugs were crawling under his skin. His annoyance was through the roof and it was completely unwarranted. That is, until she placed a cool hand on his forearm and he actually groaned at the gentleness of her touch.

"Come on! You can't say 'nothing.' We have to do something," Juliet whined.

"And why's that?" he forced out, tensing under her fingers. She must have gotten the memo because she pulled away. He almost asked how she even knew his birthday was coming, but he didn't need to. He agreed not to hold it over her anymore. He didn't want to resent her. He didn't want to have the hots for her either, to be honest, but here they were.

"Cuz even though you're a sack of shit, you're still our friend," Miles grumbled in between bites.

"He's right. Come on. Let us at least have a little party," Juliet cajoled. "I promise it'll be fun. I won't make you wear a party hat."

"Good, cuz that ain't comin' anywhere near this head," he replied, tossing his hair back for effect.

"Just quit your grumbling and accept the gesture," she commanded, and they locked eyes.

He worked his jaw from side to side and glared at her. "Fine."

She grinned and munched on a green bean, success gleaming in her eyes. "When are your birthdays?" she asked Miles and Jin.

"February 2nd," Jin said carefully, enunciating the words.

"March 25th," Miles added. "When's yours?"

She smiled shyly. "August 6th."

"Ahhh, so yours come soon," Jin grinned.

"Yep. I'll be the ripe old age of four," she announced bitterly.

"Does that make me negative two at my next birthday? That's so fucking weird," Miles joked, and even James smiled.

Juliet grinned at Miles too before turning her attention to James. "I'll bake you a cake. Chocolate okay?" He nodded, suddenly imagining her wearing nothing but an apron, baking him a cake, with frosting on her nose. He'd come up behind her, just to reach in and lick it off…

"I gotta go," he grumbled suddenly, and carried his empty plate to the sink.

"Where are you going?" she called out, confused, as he slipped his feet into his shoes.

"Out!" he shouted, and slammed the door behind him. He needed to find Olivia, and fast. This was getting out of hand.

—-

When James returned home later that evening, he found Miles crossing his arms in the kitchen with a dish towel slung over his shoulder. "Where the hell've you been, man?" he demanded.

James kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the couch. "None of your damn business," he replied angrily under his breath as he picked up his book.

"You made dinner really fucking awkward dude. And I think you hurt Juliet's feelings."

James scoffed. "Since when do you care about her 'feelings?'"

"Since I realized she's actually a pretty damn good friend. You're mean to her all the time and it's not like you're hiding it well. You must have been a pretty lousy con-man…" He put the dish towel on the counter before sitting in the chair opposite James.

"Just leave me the hell alone…" James grumbled.

"No. What the hell was that? Seriously, man."

James sighed. "I did as you suggested, Cupid. I went 'n talked to Olivia," James admitted with a grimace. Miles had been right. She'd practically thrown herself at him, reminding him he wasn't too terribly interested in her. He'd buttered her up real nice and she'd agreed to have dinner with him tomorrow night. He planned to lay it on thick, and use some of his old moves to get her to invite him over afterwards. Normally he took his time with his marks, but in this situation the desperation won out.

"And? Cool bro, get laid, I don't care. But Juliet totally felt like shit when you ditched us. I could tell," Miles insisted, and James flinched. Had she really cared that much? He hadn't meant to hurt her.

"It wasn't personal, Enos."

"Sure it wasn't. She's talking about making you a birthday cake and you leave her behind to go ask someone out? If I didn't know better, I'd think you had the hots for Juliet, man. You act like a freakin' five year old around her."

James barked a laugh. It didn't sound genuine to either of them, but they both ignored it. "I do not."

"Sure. Whatever. Like I said, I don't care. But she's nice, to all of us, even you for some reason, and you should stop acting like a kid. You don't pull someone's pigtails when you like them, ya moron." He sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Either you like her or you don't. Either you act on it or you don't. But leave Jin and I out of it, and stop treating her like she's a yo-yo or something." Miles stood and shook his head, looking down at a stunned James. "We're a team, man. We're in this weird, shitty situation together. We're all moody sometimes, but you're a legitimate dick. Knock it off."

James tsked, unable to think of anything to say. He'd never been called out like this by Miles before. To say it took him by surprise was an understatement.

Jin, who came around the corner to get a glass of water from the sink, glanced between the two men and their stand-off. "Everything okay?" he asked warily.

"No. James here is scaring Juliet away."

"What?" James croaked, panicking. They had just promised each other they wouldn't leave. Surely she hadn't changed her mind again?

"You better start being nicer to her or she'll leave for the States, I'm sure of it," Miles warned.

James stood from the couch, book in hand. He didn't want to listen to this shit anymore. He shook his head and headed to his room, slamming the door behind him.

"She not say she is leaving?" Jin asked Miles, confused.

"Nope," Miles agreed. "But maybe he needs to think she is."

"You lie?"

Miles sighed. "Sometimes it's warranted, man. Those two are gonna be the death of me. You see how they look at each other, don't you?" Jin nodded solemnly. "Well, it's only gonna get worse if they keep this up. They're both idiots." He shook his head and patted Jin's shoulder before heading down to his own bedroom. 'Matchmaker' was not something Miles wanted to add to his resume.

—-

The next day, Juliet arrived at Amy's house shortly after noon. She'd been invited over for brunch, and was really looking forward to having a meal with another woman for a change. She'd spoken with Amy a couple times, and it seemed she had the potential to be a good friend; Juliet certainly needed one, outside of her little group of testosterone. So, she'd donned a sundress (which was unlike her), applied some minimal makeup, straightened her hair, and tried to appear as normal as possible. This had to go well.

She brought champagne and orange juice for mimosas, and before she even knocked on Amy's door she could smell the delicious aroma of bacon and something sweet, like blueberries, wafting out of the opened window of Amy's house.

Amy answered the door with a broad grin on her face and a spatula in one hand. "Juliet, you made it!" Amy exclaimed excitedly and wrapped Juliet in a one armed hug.

"Hi, Amy. Of course, thank you for having me. Whatever you're making smells delicious!"

"Come in, come in! And thank you! I made bacon, eggs benedict, and parfaits. Plus there's some other fresh fruit I cut up too," Amy explained, leading Juliet inside. Juliet set the drinks on the table and got to work, making each of them one.

"Oh my gosh, I haven't had a mimosa in so long. What a fabulous idea!" Amy said as she sipped on hers and closed her eyes. She smacked her lips and Juliet grinned. She could already tell this was going to be fun.

As they ate, Juliet and Amy talked about trivial things; Amy asked about Juliet's life story (perfectly crafted and honed to reflect a 1940 birthday as opposed to a 1970 one, filled with as much generality she could muster without seeming suspicious). Juliet tentatively asked about how Amy was holding up, and was surprised to find that she seemed genuinely okay. It had been almost two months since Paul passed, and Amy seemed to be in fairly optimistic spirits.

"So, are you seeing anyone?" Amy suddenly asked nonchalantly.

Juliet shook her head. "No. I've just been keeping busy with work," she explained, though the words felt wrong on her tongue.

"I heard Bradley has a huge crush on you," she wiggled her eyebrows conspiratorially. "I could encourage him to ask you out, if you want."

"You mean Brad? Oh, yeah I met him at the 4th of July party…"

"Yeah, Brad. Sorry, I call him Bradley because he and I go way back. We joined the D.I. together. He's like a brother to me."

Juliet smiled, glad Amy has had more support here than she expected. "I appreciate the offer, Amy, but I'm okay. I'm not looking to date anyone right now."

"Oh? Do you mind me asking why?"

Juliet shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Why did talks with girlfriends always go this way? "I'm still getting over someone," she lied again. "Maybe someday I'll be looking to start something up with someone, but not now."

"I understand. Trust me, I do. It just… you know, this island can be isolating. Even with friends, people get lonely sometimes." Amy began to frown, like she was speaking from experience.

Juliet swallowed and plastered on a fake smile. "I know. I'll let you know when I change my mind, okay?" Another lie, because as much as Juliet would like the company, she knew it wasn't going to happen. There was no way she could be with someone like that without trust, and that was not easily earned in her book.

"Deal," Amy agreed, and that was that.

As soon as the topic started veering toward island gossip, Amy dropped her volume and leaned forward, immediately leaving Juliet in suspense. "So, you and LaFleur are friends, right?"

"Yeah, why?" Juliet asked, narrowing her eyebrows, and matching Amy's hushed tone.

"Did you hear about what happened last night?"

Juliet's heart skipped a beat. "No, actually, I haven't. What happened?" Her stomach tightened in anticipation.

"I heard from Rosie that Jim walked right up to Olivia at dinner and asked her out."

The air dissipated out of Juliet's lungs. "He what?" she breathed, high and disappointed.

"Yeah. He charmed her first, of course. But I mean my God, that couldn't have taken too long. You've seen him." She had, indeed. And felt him, too. And smelled him. And she knew him - the real him. "And he just asked her to have dinner with him tonight. Plain as day. But knowing Olivia - I mean, she clearly has the hots for him - I'm sure it won't just be dinner." Amy laughed and downed the rest of her mimosa. "Good for him, though. Horace told me Jim lost someone on your boat. It's good for him to get back out there, don't you think?"

Her last sentence came out hopeful, tentative, like she was seeking Juliet's opinion on something completely outside of one James LaFleur. Juliet smiled and nodded encouragingly, digesting not only her breakfast, but this information.

She knew they were teasing him last night, and he mentioned talking to Olivia. It wasn't news to her. But he'd left in order to seek her out? What was he trying to prove? She mulled over the exact events leading up to James's hasty exit the night before. It had been sudden and weird and left her feeling awkward throughout the rest of her visit, though she hadn't stayed much longer after he left. She wondered what she'd done wrong, or if it hadn't really been about her at all. She couldn't remember what had set him off.

Things between them were getting better, she could feel it in her bones. She supposed that was why she cared so much - because she had grown to enjoy his friendship and easy banter and she hated feeling like he was mad at her. It hadn't come across that way necessarily, but she didn't know what else it could be.

He used to look to her like one would a second in command. He'd valued her feedback and seemed to trust her more than she likely deserved. Before they'd even become friends, he'd saved her from flaming arrows and was willing to fight tooth and nail to save her from getting her hand cut off. He'd opened up to her about Kate a few times, and had been real with her when she really needed someone to be.

Perhaps he wasn't as over Kate as he let on? Perhaps Olivia was someone he felt would take his pain away, even temporarily. In the deep recesses of her mind, Juliet felt jealous. She hated feeling that way, because she truly wasn't ready to get into anything with anyone, despite Amy's earlier cajoling.

But if she were being honest, she was torn. She didn't want to feel this growing feeling for him, especially because she couldn't quite define what it was. It was certainly easier just to hate him, but she didn't want to do that either. She just wanted to be friends, but friends didn't feel a burning jealous rage deep in their gut, thinking of their 'friend' seeing someone else - touching someone else. Just because she shouldn't feel that way didn't mean it wasn't there.

She just didn't want to want him. Simple as that. She didn't want to see him that way.

And yet. Maybe she did - a little bit.

"Uh oh, did I upset you?" Amy asked, and Juliet realized she hadn't said a word as she processed these unexpected feelings. "Jim told me you two weren't together, so I just assumed…"

"No, it's okay. He's right. We're not together," Juliet confirmed and waved a hand, as if the small action could dissuade Amy from thinking otherwise. "I guess I was just surprised."

"I'm sorry, I thought he might have told you what his plans were. I thought you two were close - I'm really sorry."

Juliet forced a closed-lipped smile and downed the rest of her mimosa. It felt sour in her stomach. So did I, she thought bitterly.

Sensing her new friend's uncertainty, or perhaps even sadness, Amy thought she might finally understand. "If you change your mind about Bradley, let me know, okay?" Juliet nodded and sensing that the tension was only growing the more they spoke about LaFleur, Amy changed the subject. For all Juliet knew, she could have been speaking German - Juliet didn't hear a single other word she said.

—-

The following afternoon, Juliet rolled out from under van #2 feeling completely disgusting. She was covered in sweat, as the air was thick with the humidity of an incoming storm, and she knew she had oil all over her. She needed a shower and soon, but she still had two hours to go before the end of her shift.

Without thinking, she tugged down the top of her jumpsuit, exposing the white tank top underneath. She just needed to feel some kind of air on her skin, or she worried she might melt. A wolf whistle caught her attention, and she whirled around to find James leaning against the post, grinning smugly at her.

"Well looky what we have here," he crowed. "A lady, strippin' off her jumpsuit in the middle of the workday. I should put in for a transfer if it means gettin' a ticket to this show."

Juliet laughed at his absurdity, and pulled her arms back into her sleeves, embarrassed by the sudden attention. Daringly though, she left it unzipped, and it delighted her to see his eyes flick down to her exposed skin. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your rude and sexist company, James?" she teased, and leaned her back against the van.

She had no idea why she bothered attempting to flirt back with him. She knew he'd seen Olivia last night, but she'd also spent all night thinking about him, and what it might be like having dinner just the two of them without Miles and Jin. She'd been so preoccupied with her fantasy, she hadn't even gone to dinner with the guys, and had instead snacked on popcorn and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in bed. It had probably been for the best though. She would have hated seeing them together in the cafeteria - like high school all over again.

"What, a guy can't come out and say hi to his friend while she works?" He placed a hand over his heart, acting hurt. "I take real offense."

"Sure you do, cowboy. Let me rephrase, then. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Just wanted to apologize," he admitted after a few heartbeats of silence.

She raised her eyebrows. "For what?"

"Actin' like an ass. It ain't fair to ya. I bailed out on ya the other night and… well… I ain't gonna do it again, okay?" His volume lowered in tandem with the frown transforming his face. She was stunned. She hadn't expected him to mention it ever again.

"Oh," was all she could manage to say in response. To further exemplify his dedication to a heartfelt apology, he stepped forward and leaned against the van with his shoulder, facing her. She angled her body to match his, and even more heat spread all over her body.

"I know it ain't an excuse, but I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I haven't really known what to do with it."

"I see," she murmured. She didn't see. Did he still mean Kate, or wanting to ask out Olivia? Why did she keep doing this - pretending she understood him when she didn't?

"But I decided to let some stuff go and just try and be better, I guess." He was being vague on purpose, not quite ready to tell Juliet how he really felt.

"I know about Olivia," Juliet admitted, though she didn't know why it came out the way it did - strangled and hesitant, like a confession. "I guess you feel better now that you got it out of your system."

James narrowed his eyes, searching hers. She slid her walls into place, not allowing him to see any hint of the jealousy still burrowed inside her. But he shook his head, and she flinched in surprise.

"I called that off," he announced, and Juliet's mouth opened slightly.

"What happened?"

"I had dinner with her last night. She was… a bit too aggressive for my tastes, let's just say. And I went home alone. Told her this mornin' it wasn't gonna work out." He shrugged, like he was commenting on the weather. Juliet shook her head in amazement.

"I don't understand. You were so… and then she throws herself at you and you don't take it? Why? Aren't you trying to get over Kate, or did I read that wrong? You never really said - " Juliet rambled before James cut her off by putting a warm, solid hand on her elbow.

He grinned. "Hang on there, chatterbox. Slow your roll." He sighed. The answer to her questions was complicated. Yes, he could have gotten laid - easily - but it wasn't about that right now. The whole time he'd been at dinner, he had been thinking about Juliet. He could have pretended Olivia was her, sure, and he almost did. But it was all just too damn easy. He'd never even tried to chase after Juliet. He'd just assumed she could never want him because his own fears and insecurities and demons plagued him, trapping him inside his mind, like how the island trapped him in the 70s. Olivia might be a good back-up, but James wanted the real thing. So, he'd decided. He wasn't going to tell Juliet how he felt just yet - he didn't want to scare her away - but he wasn't going to run from it anymore. He officially wiped his proverbial slate clean and set off on a new mission. Come hell or high water, he wasn't going to give this up without a fight.

"I ain't what she's lookin' for, okay? Let's just leave it at that," James continued, fingers still curled around Juliet's elbow. "Kate's gone. I made my choice long after she made hers, and I made peace with it. And Olivia took it all fine, okay? I let her down gently and I'm sure she'll be just peachy. That answer all your burnin' questions, Juliet?"

Her name on his lips was enough to make her stomach clench. She felt relieved he'd broken it off with Olivia, but she still felt a million questions swimming through her brain, trying to find their way to her mouth; the number one being why?

"I'm sorry to hear that," she lied. "I hoped you two would hit it off and maybe you'd stop being so touchy." She missed the hurt that crossed his face because she was more focused on keeping the shaking out of her voice.

"I said I was sorry," he grumbled in response, and let his head fall lightly into the side of the van, removing his hand from her arm. She felt her muscle twitch as if it missed his touch.

"I know. I accept your apology. But will it happen again?"

"I dunno, hopefully not."

She nods. "I just… want to be friends, James, and friends don't treat each other that way."

He swallowed thickly. Maybe this was going to take longer than he thought - winning her over. Sometimes, he'd swear her gaze would linger a few seconds too long or her shy smile would come out of hiding just for him. But then she said things like this: that she wanted him to get laid so he'd stop being mean to her, and that she wanted to be friends. It turned him in the complete opposite direction he thought he was headed in, and the disorientation left behind was frustrating, to say the least.

When he didn't respond right away, Juliet spoke again to fill the weighted silence. "I'm willing to leave everything in the past for good, if you are." It felt like a lifeline to James, who was (for once) struggling to think of the right thing to say. He knew women, but Juliet was different. Navigating this precarious thing with her felt like a dance - and clearly a dance he didn't know the steps to.

"I like the sound of that," he agreed readily.

"I've been abiding by a bit of a motto, lately. It doesn't matter who we were, it only matters who we are. You're not the only one working on forgiving themselves for things they've done, James." He nodded, because she was right. They both were.

"Ya gotta wipe your slate clean," he offered, proving that he understood what she was trying to say.

"Yes, exactly," she breathed. "If you don't want to act like an ass, then don't. You got a fresh start here. We all did. We shouldn't waste it. Be whoever you want to be."

"Whoever, huh?"

"Well, still be you," she corrected, feigning seriousness. "Because moodiness aside, I like you just the way you are."

"Okay there, Mr. Rogers," James teased with a flip of his hair. He grinned, and she returned the gesture. She had a point, even if perhaps it had taken her a while to get there herself. She stayed, for whatever reason, and he grew these feelings, this attachment, for some reason he had yet to understand. They weren't Prisoner and Other here. They were just James and Juliet. He wasn't Sawyer anymore, and he didn't want to be. So he needed to stop acting like him.

More than anything, James hoped he could make sure Juliet didn't regret staying. What Miles had said had stuck with James ever since the night he'd stormed off. It made him realize how precious she'd become to him, even as a friend, and he'd be damned if he'd lose her.

If she figures him out, great. If not, at least she remained in his life. He was going to have to be happy with whatever she was willing to give.

"I like the sound of that, Blondie," James said as he gently tapped her nose with the tip of his finger. A laugh bubbled out of her, and it sounded like music to him - a melody he wanted to burn into his memory. "Now, I guess I'll quit distractin' ya from all your work here. I'll see ya later?"

She nodded and wiggled her fingers in a little wave as he left. She watched him go, trying to understand the big feeling running free and wild in her chest. James had grown into her closest friend and though she didn't understand the rest of whatever it was she was feeling, that she knew for sure. She craved his company and missed him when he was gone.

But it seemed they'd finally, finally put the past in the past. And he was no longer interested in seeing Olivia, which meant they had all the time in the world to spend with one another.

And she was really looking forward to it.