A/N: This one is very dialogue heavy (my fave!) but not as long as the last one. Hope you enjoy!
—-
Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget, or you stop wishing that you can change the past. Mainly it means that you accept the idea that you're not perfect, because no one is perfect. And terrible things can happen to anyone.
Nicholas Sparks, The Return
—-
Chapter 9: Confidence Man
James heard a knock on his door about twenty minutes after Juliet stormed out. He was lying fully dressed, flat on his bed with his feet still planted on the floor, and his arms spread wide when he growled, "What?"
The door creaked open and Jin and Miles poked their heads inside. "Dude, you okay?" Miles asked warily. James didn't answer. They gave each other suspicious looks before stepping inside and shutting the door to block out the music coming from the living room.
"I don't remember sayin' nothin' about you comin' in," James grumbled, and pulled a pillow over his face.
"You o-kay?" Jin asked, echoing Miles's earlier sentiment.
"Does it look like I'm okay?" James shouted into his pillow.
Miles' and Jin's jaws dropped. "Horace was askin' where you went, man. We came to get you and heard like - slamming or thumping or something, so we thought you were either punching stuff or hooking up. Then - " Miles couldn't even finish, he was too stunned.
Jin picked up where he left off. "We see Juliet run from your room. She look… angry."
"Yeah, so we waited a little while and came to check on you… what the hell happened? Did you - did you guys - ?"
James sat straight up, glaring daggers at Miles. What was he going to say? Should he lie? Would it make things worse when Juliet found out he told? Every single fucking decision he seemed to make lately had been the wrong one.
"That's none 'a your damn business," he said instead, though even to him it sounded like an admission. He watched as Miles and Jin processed this non-information, and saw Miles start to snicker. The grimace on James's face must have been enough to warn him not to say anything further.
"She… was very angry," Jin mentioned, scratching the back of his head. "You hurt her?" He really didn't want to get involved, but Juliet was his friend too. He didn't want to see her hurt, and if James had hurt her, they were going to have a problem.
But James scoffed and shook his head before running his hands roughly across his face. "No. I mean, yeah, I guess, but not on purpose," he said, exasperated and desperately trying not to sound like a complete and utter tool.
"Well, what happened?" Miles asked. "You can't just say yes and no."
James really didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't the talking type. But he was having a hard time processing just what in the hell actually did happen, and spent the last 20 minutes berating himself for fucking this up so fast. He had emotional whiplash from hell; from feeling happy and excited to be kissing her, to guilty and a little grimy from fucking her against the wall for their first time, to finally devastated and remorseful for making the wrong choices, yet again, regardless of his motivations.
He also desperately wished he would have gone after her. He couldn't believe what he'd become - he used to be suave, and charming, and confident. For God's sake, he was a 'confidence' man for crying out loud. And now here he was, every move thrown out the window, wallowing in his own self-pity, drowning in doubt, and starved for the touch of a woman who would probably never speak to him again. He felt hopeless and angry and panicked down to his very core. When the hell had he become this? He sure as hell wasn't Sawyer anymore.
Lost in his own self-deprecation, he almost forgot about the two sets of very determined, curious eyes staring him down.
"We…" James started to say, and he honestly didn't know how to continue. He had no idea what he was doing and he really didn't want to make matters worse. "I found Ben. Here on the island."
Jin reared back like he'd been slapped, but Miles's face only contorted into confusion. "Ben Linus?" he asked, astonished.
James nodded grimly. "Yeah. And I - well, see, I didn't tell her - like I didn't tell you guys! - because what the hell difference does it make? He ain't a murderer yet. He's in like, I dunno, fourth grade or somethin'?"
Jin crossed his arms over his chest, looking like he might be sick any minute. Miles put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "And she found out somehow? Tonight?" James nodded again. "How?"
"I don't know! She went outside for some air I guess and then I watched her storm back here to my room. I followed her in here, and she was upset, and then - " James shook his head, remembering how she'd kissed him; how good and how right it had felt; how they'd fit together better than he could have ever fathomed. "I gotta go see her," he mumbled, and moved to stand.
"No way!" Miles shouted, putting his hand out. "She's probably super fucking pissed. You'll just make it worse."
"Then what the hell do I do to fix this, Miss Cleo?" James shouted back. His blood pressure felt like it was through the roof. Miles stood there, saying nothing. He knew absolutely nothing about women, but he knew enough to know that James was a raging bull and Juliet was probably feeling like a china shop, and those two most definitely didn't mix well.
Jin stepped forward and placed a hand on James's shoulder. "She need space," he said slowly, locking eyes with James. "Time."
Time was the one thing they seemed to have plenty of, but James felt desperation flaying his skin open. He'd never felt such a strong desire to right a wrong he'd done, when he rarely ever felt remorse in the first place, especially where women were concerned. But this felt different. She had clearly trusted him and he'd ruined it. He needed to fix it. He needed to know they were going to be okay; he'd grown to rely on her friendship and company far too much to lose it now. He could hardly believe he was thinking it, but it reminded him of Jack in a way. The bastard.
But Jin had a point. He sat back down on his bed and sighed. "Fine. I'll wait it out I guess," he conceded.
Miles and Jin shared a look before Miles added, "It's gonna be okay, man. We're a family. She'll come around." It was the most sentimental thing James had ever heard come out of Miles's filthy mouth. He almost teased him about it, but he could see Miles was trying. Clearly the sentence had made him uncomfortable because he was scratching his jaw and looking anywhere but at James.
Jin tugged on Miles's torn shirt sleeve, directing them to leave James alone. They shut the door softly behind them, and he heard the telltale scratch of a record being turned off, followed by some groans. James assumed they must have ended the party early.
He flopped back onto his bed and closed his eyes. If he focused hard enough, he could still smell her in the air around him. It wasn't fair. He should be happy they finally slept together, that he finally got laid after all this time, but if anything it only made things worse. He got a taste of what being with her was like (electric, sensual, easy) and now it was gone.
James almost laughed, realizing he must clearly have a type. He was certain it was no coincidence that the women he went for were just as sassy, sarcastic, and cold as he could be. But that wasn't fair, was it? She was only those things because she needed to be. Then again, so was he. Never in a million years would he have imagined they'd have so much in common, and yet - she seemed to understand him in a way he hadn't expected. Despite himself, he was curious about who understood him better: Kate or Juliet. It surprised him how much he wanted the answer to be Juliet. Whether it was because he genuinely connected with her more, or simply because she was the one who stayed, James couldn't be sure.
Maybe that was why he was finding this so damn hard. He can't seem to do or say the perfect things because she's not a mark - with her, he has no choice but to be himself (whoever that even is anymore). And even when his intentions were good, all he did was fuck up. All the doubt and insecurity, plus the (now double) rejection, and his confidence was tanked. Part of him ached for something real with her, despite everything, and the other part was screaming at him that he didn't deserve it. Because she was right. He had lied. And he will always probably lie. It's just what he does.
He refused to admit it, even in the privacy of his own mind, but James needed her far more than he ever thought possible. He wished he could still see her as the Other who tased him or the bitch that held a gun to Kate's head or the accomplice in keeping Walt hostage, but none of that mattered anymore. He barely even remembered the version of Juliet from those days, not when he spent time hanging out with her every day, and looked forward to every minute of it. Now, he only saw her as the goofy, nerdy girl who loved spooky stuff, who was somehow afraid of rollercoasters but fearless enough to put her hands inside another person's body to save their life. She loved to read, liked pineapple on her pizza (like a freak, he thought), was a really good baker even if she was self-conscious about it, and had a sister and nephew somewhere out there living their lives without her. He knew she hated being here more than he did, and he'd give anything to get her back home.
For a brief moment, James wondered if perhaps he was falling in love with her. It was fleeting, just tickling the back of his brain - a whisper, like he was out in the jungle. But the moment the thought crossed his mind, he turned it off, nipped it in the bud, refused to let it take hold in his subconscious. He swore to himself he wouldn't let it get that far. She was just his friend, and nothing more. He couldn't - he wouldn't - let himself fall for her. James was getting real tired of heartbreak; it was easier back when he didn't give a shit.
He'd almost say he should just try and get over her instead, but he knew that was asking too much. He'd been trying to do that for months, and had failed miserably. He tried to push her away when he first started liking her, and it had only hurt them both. He'd tried to flirt with her and make her interested in him, and still somehow they both got hurt. He couldn't win, no matter what he did.
Perhaps Jin was right, and she just needed time. Perhaps all this stress was for nothing, and maybe everything would be okay in the next couple days. He didn't know how he had any hope left in his body after everything he'd gone through, but nevertheless, a small beacon of hope flickered to life in his chest. And with the lights still on and alcohol numbing his brain, James began to doze.
Little Ben was chasing him and Juliet through the compound. They'd hide, but Ben would find them. They were tired and sore and running out of options, so they ducked into someone's house. It was empty, and they made their way into the back bedroom. Their breathing was labored and ragged as they stood, stock still, waiting to see what happened next, when Juliet cried out in pain.
James panicked and flipped on a nearby lightswitch, illuminating the room in a soft yellow glow. Has Ben found his way into the room somehow? He didn't know what else to do - he needed to see what was wrong.
She was gasping for air, a small knife plunged into her stomach. When he reached out to help her pull it out, he saw he already had her blood on his hands, and Ben was nowhere to be seen.
He woke up in a cold sweat, grateful the light was still on. He looked around the room and sighed before picking up the book on his nightstand. There was no way James was going to go back to sleep tonight.
—-
The next morning, Juliet awoke in her bed, grateful she'd taken the day off. Her head was throbbing and she was exhausted from tossing and turning all night. After the incident with James, she'd stormed out of the party and headed straight home. She'd made it all the way to her house before the tears fell, which she supposed she should be proud of. At least she hadn't cried in front of him.
They'd been angry, bitter tears, not necessarily tears of sadness. But nevertheless, they'd streamed down her cheeks as she silently stripped off her clothes. She'd taken a scalding hot shower, scrubbing hard at the makeup on her face, and braided her hair before flopping into her bed. She was still seething with anger (and she supposed, a little betrayal too) but rationally, Juliet knew none of that was fair. It was one of her midnight thoughts as she awoke for what felt like the fifth time that night: he hadn't meant to hurt her. She supposed that counted for something, considering how far he'd come from the con-man who used to ruin lives for a living.
But she'd also seen him charm the Initiates at the Fourth of July party. He may be more covert about it, but James was still a con-man. Wasn't he? Hadn't she even thought back then that she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to recognize when he was lying to her? She thought she had grown to trust him in time, but it certainly felt tenuous now. Because he'd done exactly what she thought he'd do: he'd kept something from her, and she'd been none the wiser.
As Juliet rolled over in bed, she eyed the clock. It was only six a.m., so she laid there a little longer with her eyes closed and the blanket pulled up to her neck. She had to pee but she was too tired and sluggish to get up. So she thought about what happened some more, and then a little bit more, and then again for good measure. The way the air had punched out of her body when she realized he'd known about Ben. The sad little boy who seemed nothing like the ruthless 'leader' who'd imprisoned her. The way James had filled her up so completely, it had sent shockwaves down to the tips of her fingers and toes.
The way he'd moaned her name, like a prayer. Her name, not Kate's.
She was going to drive herself crazy.
Finally, she groaned and got out of bed. She went to the bathroom before putting on a pot of coffee. She wasn't hungry for breakfast, and looked forward to a quiet morning alone. Of course though, there was a light knock at her door by the time she was settled on her couch with a book in one hand and a coffee mug in the other. It made her freeze, for a moment worrying it might be James. She looked down at her sleepwear of shorts and a t-shirt (and no bra), wondering if it even mattered.
She sat her things down and rose, tentatively answering the door. Thankfully, it was only Amy. "Hey, Juliet!" she said jovially.
"Morning, Amy. What brings you by?" Juliet couldn't help but look around, half wondering if James had put her up to this.
But Amy only grinned widely, and clasped her hands in front of her nervously. "I have some news. Can we talk?" Juliet nodded, and let her inside. She shut the door behind her and gestured to the couch. Amy sat down and wiped her hands nervously on the knees of her pants.
"Can I get you something to drink?" Juliet offered.
"No, thanks. I'm already pretty wired."
Juliet sat in the chair opposite the couch. "Oh yeah? What happened?"
Amy's face split apart in a wholesome grin before a little 'eeee' sound escaped her lips. "Horace kissed me last night!" she announced. And then as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she clapped her hands over her lips, as if she'd just revealed a grand secret. But it wasn't news to anyone that Horace had feelings for Amy. She'd even figured out these last couple months that Amy was beginning to have feelings for Horace, too. It seemed a little soon, but who was she to judge?
"That's - that's wonderful news!" Juliet blurted. It only pinched a little bit, seeing her giddiness and knowing that's how she herself could have felt this morning. "What happened?"
Amy took a sip of Juliet's coffee (though she had turned down Juliet's offer, Juliet thought annoyedly) and explained: "Well, Miles and Jin ended the party early and kind of sent everyone home. They didn't say why, but it doesn't matter. Horace offered to walk me home and I let him. We just got to talking, you know? We've known each other so long… we just reminisced and when we got to my house, he just kinda… kissed me. It was sweet." As the seconds ticked by, the smile grew more and more flat on Amy's face, until she was frowning. "I - I kissed him back."
"That's a good thing, isn't it? You've been into him for a while now."
Amy nodded, but her eyes suddenly looked downcast as she stared into her lap. "I have. But… well, it's only been five months since… and is that long enough to get over someone? Can you ever get over someone you lose, when it's not a choice?"
Juliet inhaled sharply. Hadn't she been asking herself the same questions lately? She certainly wasn't the person Amy needed to reassure her right now. "Amy… I think Horace is a good man. If you don't feel ready for something new with him, just tell him. I'm sure he'll understand."
"But that's not totally it. I do want to be with him. It's lonely when you don't have companionship, you know?" Amy gestured around Juliet's house and Juliet bit back a feisty retort. "I just don't want to use Horace as a rebound. It's not fair to either him or to Paul."
"I understand that," Juliet sighed. She picked at the hem of her t-shirt and bit her lip, lost in thought. Amy watched her friend curiously. It would seem she may understand a thing or two about what Amy was talking about. It made her sad to know that even after all this time, Juliet still hadn't found someone to care for. Everyone deserves love.
"What's on your mind, Juliet?" Amy asked softly, and leaned forward in her seat on the couch. "Have I upset you?"
Juliet waved her hand in the air, as if batting away any implication that she wasn't alright. "No, no, I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
Juliet licked her lips and inhaled deeply through her nose. "You didn't come here to comfort me, Amy. This is about you, and I don't want to divert any attention away from that."
"Maybe so, but perhaps talking to you about your problems will help me with mine," she suggested with a small shrug. "So spill it. What's going on?"
Juliet had to admit. Amy had been a wonderful friend to her, and it felt really, really good to have another woman to talk to. She debated making something up, just to get Amy off her back, but maybe this would be a good thing. Maybe Amy really could help her process all the bullshit tumbling around in her head.
"I slept with James," she murmured. The gasp that escaped Amy's lips immediately made Juliet regret saying the words aloud. "But you can't tell anyone!" she begged, and held her hands up, pleading.
"I won't, I won't," Amy promised, even as she pressed her palm to her forehead in shock. "But what happened? I didn't know you were even seeing one another!"
Juliet's face crumpled in embarrassment. "We aren't… I - I got upset about something last night and he comforted me, you know, as a friend. I mean, I've liked him for a while but I never thought it would go anywhere. Maybe - well, maybe he likes me back? Or he just slept with me because he's a guy; either way, it was - " She shook her head, looking for the right words without explaining the fact that her biggest enemy is a ten year old kid. "We got into a huge argument. And now I don't know what to do."
Amy laughed, like something Juliet had said was funny. "Well, Juliet, you need to talk to him." It sounded too simple, and Juliet shook her head in defense.
"You don't understand. I can't just talk to him. He did something that hurt me and I've lost all trust in him. We used to not like one another, once upon a time, and it took a long time to build this friendship up. I don't know if I can do all of that again." Juliet chewed on her thumbnail. She refused to meet Amy's pitying eyes. What Juliet didn't say out loud was that in the back of her mind, she wondered if that was even fully true. She felt like she trusted him, but had he trusted her? Had he truly let go completely of who she used to be? She certainly hadn't let go of his past. Which, in hindsight, hadn't exactly been fair of her to do.
"It's just one argument. If you built it once, you can build it again. If you can forgive him for whatever it is he did, of course," Amy offered. "I mean, if you can forgive him, do you think you'd want to be with him?"
Juliet's gut instinct told her yes. But her mind said no. It had to. Juliet was far too guarded to fathom letting someone in like that; she'd been through too much. But it was also impossible to deny the chemistry between them, as much as she wanted to. "Not necessarily, no. Maybe? That's a little bit why your question caught me off guard, when you asked if five months is enough time. I am, by no means, comparing our situations, but James… he used to be in love once. Probably still is, I can't be sure. I don't want to be his plan B, either. So I understand what you mean about Horace." Amy looked down into her lap, processing Juliet's words.
Juliet thought about how she and James came to be here on the island together. Neither of them belonged here, and yet here they were, trying to make it through each day, wondering if they'd ever get back to their actual time. She used to think they had nothing in common, but now she knew that to be quite untrue. They'd both killed, lied, schemed, and sacrificed to get their way, and for what? All to be stuck in the wrong decade and away from the people they loved. Was that the only reason why he flirted with her the way he did? Would he have ever sought her out otherwise? Likely not; so if choosing her wasn't truly a choice, did she even want to be in that situation?
"Juliet, Jim's a handsome man. If he wanted someone other than you, he would have approached them. I really thought he'd hit it off with Olivia but you know how that turned out. It doesn't seem to me like you're his plan B. If anything, I'd think you were his plan A. Look, I can't tell you what to do, but you know… talking to you actually did help me."
"Yeah? How so?" Juliet asked curiously, feeling awful that she'd somehow dominated the conversation when Amy had been the one to seek her out.
Amy grinned, stating proudly, "I was Paul's plan A. And now it seems like Horace might feel the same way. I do love Paul. I always will. And I put myself and my healing first for a long time. But now? I'd like to pursue what it is I want, and right now that's finding someone who loves me and who I love in return. It was special, what I had with Paul, and I don't need to replace it - maybe I'll find something that's special in its own way."
"I'm really happy for you, Amy. I am." Juliet had to admit, it was beautiful advice, though a small voice in the back of her mind couldn't help but feel like Kate would always come first. Wasn't she the one that got away?
It was almost comical - the two of them had enough baggage to fill a cargo plane. It would never work between them, even if they wanted it to.
Amy stood, signaling she was ready to leave. "Just talk to him. Find out if he's over this other girl. I know it might hurt, worrying about the rejection, but from what you told me happened last night? I don't think that's going to be the case. I've seen the way he watches you, Juliet. You're the only one he has eyes for. Just - please, take it from me, being alone when you want to be is fine, but being alone because you feel like you have no other choice?" Amy shook her head and pursed her lips. "You don't want that."
Juliet felt her eyes burn. She'd known Amy for months, and yet it felt like it had been years. The woman was intuitive and understanding, and it warmed Juliet's heart to know she'd found such a wonderful friend during this difficult time - for them both. She rose from her seat and gave Amy a tight hug. Amy chuckled and hugged her back, before pulling away and patting Juliet's cheek.
"Thank you," Juliet whispered.
"You're welcome. Now, you better keep me updated with all of this! This might be the juiciest island gossip going on right now, next to Rosie and Jerry breaking up."
Juliet laughed, and said dryly, "Very funny."
As she watched Amy leave, she thought very seriously about what she said. All of it was good, in theory: forgive, forget, and let him in. It was going to be much harder in practice, and certainly wasn't going to happen overnight. Between Ben and Kate and James's past (and hers), there was a lot to overcome.
And in that moment, Juliet couldn't help but feel the strain of that baggage weighing her down, keeping her rooted to the spot.
—-
When Juliet came to dinner the night after Halloween (Jin was cooking, as promised) James could hardly breathe. He watched her walk in, sit at her usual seat, and talk to Miles about his day. He listened from the hallway, having just gotten back from the bathroom. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed something as simple as the sound of her voice until he heard it, high and melodic and soothing, washing over him like a baptism. It had only been a day since he'd seen her last, but relief still flooded through him at the sight of her.
Braving himself for the onslaught, he steeled his spine and entered the dining room. She flicked her eyes up to meet his, and her smile wavered only for a moment before she gave a small wave, and returned her attention back to Miles.
And that was it. James didn't know what to do. So he stood there, staring at her like an idiot. Should he bring it up? He couldn't tell if she was still mad. Should he act like nothing happened? The whole situation was fucking with his head, so he gathered his wits and sat down on the couch, pretending to read his book. What the hell was going on?
He watched as she fiddled with the ends of her hair as she listened to Miles's story. She'd acknowledged him, but hadn't said a word to him. What did that mean? James gripped the book in his hands with undue force. He wished he were better at saying how he felt. He wanted to talk to her and clear the air but he didn't know how. He wanted her to know he was tired of breaking things, and was trying so hard to be better. This was a fresh start, a second chance, and he had enough guilt to last him a lifetime. He didn't need any more.
Throughout dinner, he said very little, but she carried on as normal. Jin kept glancing between them, clearing feeling the tension in the air, but Miles carried on like nothing was amiss. As usual, Jin's cooking was incredible and Juliet moaned a little as she ate. It made James's face flame as he remembered how those moans had felt, landing on the skin below his ear. He grit his teeth hard, trying and failing to pretend like everything was normal when it just fucking wasn't.
Before she left for the night, he almost caught her wrist. He imagined himself pulling her out onto the porch and kissing her, before telling her how he feels and begging for her forgiveness. But he didn't, and she slipped through the front door like she were made of smoke, leaving just the faintest hint of her scent behind.
Weeks passed, with more of the same. They saw each other every day, and soon became able to talk about trivial things, when they spoke at all. They never spent time alone together, and they never talked about anything of consequence - especially the night of Halloween. James could almost feel himself relax, if it weren't for the nagging sensation in the back of his brain, reminding him he still didn't know where they stood. He hadn't lost her, which had been a huge relief, but he hadn't gained her either. Most of the time she acted like he wasn't even there, which did nothing to dissuade him from thinking that perhaps she hadn't forgiven him after all. It was confusing as hell - he didn't know how he was supposed to feel.
When Thanksgiving came, the cafeteria hosted a large dinner celebration for anyone who wanted to join. Instead of going, however, Juliet volunteered to cook. Despite their mild-mannered, pleasant interactions, James wasn't much looking forward to it. He was skeptical she could pull it off. But she'd insisted. He half-wondered if it was because she didn't want to celebrate yet another holiday in a room with Benjamin Linus, no matter his age. He couldn't really blame her if that were the case.
"Yo, Jules - you sure you got this under control?" Miles whined as Juliet raided their pantry for the third time that day. She precariously stacked the ingredients in her hands, and James had to admit - she looked pretty damn frazzled.
"I've got it!" she snipped, and blew the hair that had escaped her bun out of her eyes. James, who was standing in the open fridge looking for a beer, swiped a hand across her forehead without thinking. She stared wide-eyed at him, and he opened his mouth to apologize, but the words wouldn't come.
It took a moment for her to blink away her surprise, but she did and turned away. "Don't fuck this up!" Miles shouted from his seat on the couch, flipping through a magazine. Juliet growled, mumbling incoherently, while Jin stood up from the dining room table to open the door for her.
"Why'd ya have to say that, ya asshat?" James chastised, and swatted Miles with a throw pillow. "Now she's gonna get all bent outta shape."
"What do you care? At least she's talking to you again after what you did."
"I wanna eat too, ya know! We coulda gone to Cafe Dharma and taken the easy route, but noooo - she just had to cook. And now ya prolly made her nervous and now it ain't gonna turn out right!"
"Well, you go help her then! You can dab the sweat off her brow like a good little nurse. We both saw that weird little hair swipe."
"It was in her eyes! I was just tryin' to help. You know what? Fuck you Miles. I kinda hope she does mess it up, cuz then at least you won't get any."
"I'm not the only one not gettin' any," Miles mumbled under his breath, earning him another hard hit to the head with the throw pillow. "OW!"
—-
As it turned out, James had been correct. By the time evening came, Juliet was filthy and dinner was… less than ideal. The mashed potatoes were too salty, the chicken was dry (there were no whole turkeys available at the general store), the vegetable casserole fell on the floor, the rolls were burnt, and the gravy was lumpy. The only things that turned out fine were the canned cranberry sauce and the pumpkin pie, which had been made by Amy.
Juliet didn't know whether she was more furious with herself for even trying to do this, or scared for the guys' reactions. By now the festivities at the cafeteria were over, so there was no going back. When they arrived, she did her best to look optimistic, but she could tell by the looks on their faces that they were wary. And clearly they had every right to be.
"It didn't… quite turn out the way I'd hoped…" she prefaced as they all sat down. She bit her lip and began to pile small bits of each item onto her plate. James elbowed Miles, giving him a dangerous glare, and everyone followed suit.
Once everyone had food on their plate, Jin cleared his throat. "Uhh… Thanksgiving - you all become grateful for something?" he tried to say, piecing together what he knew about the American holiday (which was very little).
Juliet finally smiled, albeit briefly. "Yes, Jin. The roots of the holiday are horrendous, but it's grown into a celebration of giving thanks."
"My mom used to make me say what I was thankful for, every Thanksgiving," Miles shared with a small shrug.
"Mine too," Juliet agreed. It felt really, really tough to find anything to share after the miserable day she'd had, but she was beginning to learn Miles's tells. He shrugged when he was serious but didn't want people to know he was. "Do you want to go first, Jin? Since you're new to the holiday?"
Jin looked put on the spot, but everyone waited patiently for him to think of something. He, too, was having a hard time. None of them thought they'd still be here, and it hovered over them all like a black cloud. She'd be impressed if Jin could think of even one thing, given that he was living every day without his wife and child, who very likely thought he was dead. "Uh… I am thankful for friends. Friends make life not lonely."
"Hear, hear!" James echoed encouragingly.
"And I am thankful to be alive," Jin added, and a dark look came over his eyes. He recalled the blast that threw him into the water, and how he'd floated for what felt like days before finding another living soul. He was very lucky indeed.
Miles wasted no time going next. "Okay, well… I'm thankful I get to see my mom again. It's weird to talk to her, but nice too."
"Ya ain't thankful ya got to meet dear ole Dad, there, Mr. Chang?" James teased, and Miles kicked him under the table. "Alright, alright!" he laughed. "Guess I'll go next. Sheesh…"
"You deserved that," Juliet murmured, and James cast her an incredulous look.
"You too, Brutus?" Juliet giggled and sipped her wine. "Fine, okay. I'm thankful for…" He thought about it. What was he thankful for? He didn't wanna say 'friends,' because that was cheating. It was too obvious to be thankful for running water and plentiful food, given that he'd spent months of his life as a castaway. He almost thought about saying he was thankful for Juliet, but that was too private and too close to the honest truth to say in front of Jin and Miles (and hell, Juliet herself). So what did he say?
"Ya gonna spit it out or what?" Miles jeered.
"Shut the fuck up, Miles. I'm thinkin'. I got a lot to be grateful for, okay?"
"Do you?" Miles responded dryly, quirking an eyebrow.
James sighed. He had a point. There was so much about their situation that was bleak. They hadn't seen signs of any one of their people, and were no closer to rescue than they were spontaneous combustion. But did it even bother him? James wondered. He wasn't as hell-bent on finding anyone anymore. Perhaps he didn't care whether they got rescued or not. It was kind of a scary thought.
It was at this moment that James actually wondered if he was happy here. How the hell had that happened?!
"Fine. I'm thankful for second chances, and bein' someone new. Thankful these Dharma folks gave us a roof over our heads and food to eat - jobs, a life, ya know - whatever." It sounded lame saying it out loud, but everyone nodded in agreement, and he felt a little less stupid. It was as honest as he could possibly be in that moment, and the look on Juliet's face was encouraging. Perhaps she'd needed that. "Jules?" he prompted, and Juliet looked at each and every one of them, with her frizzy blonde bun and a smear of something on her cheek. Tears filled her blue eyes.
"I'm thankful for you guys. All of you," she added, and her eyes caught James's. "But more than just that, I'm thankful for you all being so nice to me when I was having a hard time. I couldn't do any of this again without you."
James added another, "Hear, hear!" and everyone laughed.
"Speaking of nice… you're going to have to continue that streak when you taste this dinner because again, it is not my best work."
Miles slapped a palm over his face, and Jin belted out a genuine laugh. James shook his head, grinning at the sheepish expression crossing Juliet's face. "Sorry," she mouthed to him, but he only smiled at her. He took some chicken, dunked it in the gravy, swiped it through the mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce, and shoved the whole bite into his mouth, eyes locked onto Juliet's. Combined, it wasn't all that bad, and it was worth seeing her face-splitting smile that bloomed as a result.
They chatted and ate, each discussing their favorite Thanksgiving memories. Jin shared memories from a completely different holiday they had in Korea, and James only contributed one memory. No one pushed him for more. It was nice, hearing more about his friends' lives, and it warmed James's heart to know that though none of them wanted to be there, at least they were there together.
Juliet looked dead on her feet, so when the meal was over, James collected everyone's dishes and cleaned off the table. Miles and Jin got to work washing and drying, and James finished wiping down the rest of the kitchen. When he was done, he looked around to try and find Juliet, but she was nowhere to be found. He checked her bedroom, the bathroom, and even the porch but she was gone.
When he looked around outside, he saw her sitting on the swingset in the distance eating a piece of pie. The sun was almost completely set and there wasn't a soul around. Her golden hair glittered in a frizzy halo above her head, and she looked so young and innocent with her head leaned into the chain of the swing.
Even from this far-off vantage point, she looked gorgeous - even (or should he say, especially) in her filthy t-shirt and jeans. He knew she must be tired, but from here she only looked serene as she watched the oranges, reds, and purples of the setting sun in the distance.
Miles and Jin were still washing up, so James decided to go out and join her. They hadn't been alone since Halloween night, and though James finally felt like things were back on track with them (though not completely normal yet) he was too tempted to stop himself from approaching her.
"How's the pie?" he asked, genuinely curious, as he sat down on the swing next to her. If she was surprised by his sudden appearance, she didn't show it.
"Good," she said as she chewed. "Amy made it."
"Ah… that explains it then," he teased, and laughed when she shot him a wide-eyed, mock-betrayed look.
"Hey! I didn't want to mess up dinner, you know. It's my favorite holiday. I wanted it to go well. I just - you know, it's a lot to manage alone."
James held up his palms in surrender. "Hey - I didn't say a damn thing. But what makes ya say that?"
"Say what?"
"That Thanksgiving's your favorite holiday."
"Uh - because it is?"
James chuckled. "No it ain't. You woulda been giddy and weird like you were for Halloween. Ya ain't foolin' me, Blondie. I ain't blind."
Juliet's heart stopped. It warmed her on the inside in a way she couldn't explain, the way he seemed to know her better than anyone, at least except Rachel. Though, who was she kidding? She'd changed so much since then, Rachel likely wouldn't even recognize her anymore. Which, if that were the case, James really would be the person who knew her best. She didn't know how she felt about that.
"I wasn't trying to fool you," Juliet finally said after a few stunned heartbeats. "I'm just surprised you figured that out, I guess."
"Ya make it kinda obvious."
"Am I that easy to read?" she challenged, and licked the pie off her fork. She didn't miss the way James's eyes watched her.
"Wish I could say you were." They were quiet a few moments, the tension between them growing more awkward by the second. It wasn't lost on either of them that they hadn't talked about what they'd done, or about Ben. "That pie looks mighty good, ya know," James commented instead. She wondered if he was trying to make an excuse for why he'd been staring at her lips for so long.
"It is," she agreed, not knowing what else to say.
"Well, ain't ya gonna offer me a bite?" James asked, admonishing her for not being more polite. He was teasing and it made Juliet smile - she liked when things were easy and playful between them. "Ya already know I don't have cooties."
And there it was. The first off-handed comment. Juliet looked down at her plate and then back at him. She cut a healthy bite off the slice of pie and held the fork out to him. She thought he would take it from her, but instead he leaned forward, eyes never leaving hers, and closed his lips around the tines of the fork.
It was a strangely sensual action, seeing his lips slide over the metal. After all, she knew what those lips tasted like. And to be frank, she was almost a little jealous of the fork. But she was still working on processing her feelings about him lying about Ben. She certainly wasn't as angry as she had been; talking to Amy had helped, as had time. But it still bothered her that he'd lied.
"James…" she whispered. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before inhaling deeply through her nose.
"Are we gonna be okay?" he interjected. He looked pained. It was unusual, seeing him so raw. And it was certainly a loaded question, Juliet thought. She certainly hoped so; she certainly wanted them to be. She missed his friendship and didn't want to be mad at him. She was just so confused inside. Her conflicting feelings were driving her crazy.
"I want to be," she decided to say. And it was the truth. "But James, you have to promise me - never lie to me like that again." She tried in vain to keep the catch from her voice, but her nerves betrayed her. The harder she tried to quell them, the more insecure she felt.
"I didn't mean - "
"I know. I know, which is why I'm not more angry. Just - promise me, okay?"
He nodded, feeling shameful, and eager to regain her trust. "I promise." He also wanted to talk about what they did, but he didn't know how to bring it up. The situation felt sticky and suddenly he felt like he was back in high school. Luckily, he didn't have to figure out a way to casually slip it into the conversation, because clearly it was something Juliet needed to talk about too.
"And as for the rest of what we did… I should apologize."
"Apologize? For what?" he almost scoffed.
Juliet felt her insecurities coat her like a second skin. Talking about this made her feel vulnerable, and she hated it. But it needed to be said, so she looked out over the horizon and pulled all her courage to the surface. "I was upset, and I reacted. That was all. I shouldn't have taken advantage of the way you feel about me. It was wrong, and I'm sorry." Who's the liar now? she thought bitterly.
What she said sliced him open, like dozens of tiny papercuts. The words themselves weren't the problem; it was the meaning behind them. She knew how he felt? And still - it seemed she did, in fact, regret what they'd done. James felt his stomach twist in either anger or hurt - he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"Hey - it's just sex. Don't mean nothin'," he tried to shrug, and he hoped the words hurt Juliet as much as she hurt him. By her inward flinch, he supposed they did. She can try and erase what happened, but he would never forget. He could try and downplay the meaning behind what happened, but she would never believe that it truly meant nothing to him. They were at an impasse.
"So… friends?" she offered, holding out the hand closest to him. He took it, almost begrudgingly. It hurt, holding her hand and being unable to do anything else. But it was soft and warm, and it was still her.
"Better be," he replied with a tsk, and squeezed her hand for emphasis.
They continued holding hands, even after the sun set completely behind the horizon.
—-
"I know you said not to get involved, but you can't say you haven't noticed how weird and awkward they've been the last few weeks," Miles said as he shuffled the cards. In the dim light of dusk, he couldn't see much past the opened living room window. He wondered if they were out there together, or if Jim had gone home.
"I know," Jin replied weakly. "I do not understand."
Miles dealt the cards. "They're in that weird, awkward middle school phase where they're too stupid and insecure to talk about anything important. I've tried bein' a good friend, but even I have my limits, and I can't fix stupid."
Jin looked sad, and when he spoke, Miles figured out why. "When I meet Sun, it was not easy," he said slowly, lost in his thoughts. He traced the woodgrain of the table with his fingernail. "We work hard, because what we want - it is worth the work. But I have many feelings of shame. She understands. And we work - together - to be happy." Jin shook his head softly. "Love is important. It takes work. It hurts to see Jim, Juliet - they fight against something - very, uh… natural. I understand - once I was not enough for Sun. But I fight for her. Because love is worth it."
It was probably the most Miles had ever heard Jin say about his wife, and it gutted him in a way he wasn't prepared for. He knew Jin would do anything to be with Sun again. He didn't blame him for feeling this way, that he saw these two were taking each other for granted. But he still didn't know what to do about it. He didn't sign up for this - being their matchmaker - and he certainly was no one's fairy godmother either, swooping in and making their dreams come true. If they weren't willing to do the work, like Jin said, then that was on them.
"Life's too short," Miles agreed with a sigh. He knew all too well how quickly life could be snuffed from any one of them. He just hoped the two of them figured it out sooner rather than later. Because despite the bitter facade Miles put on, he was actually pretty content here. He had friends, a chosen family almost, an honest job, and there were floozies everywhere. Yeah he missed stuff from back in his own time (he'd fucking kill for cable) but overall it wasn't too bad.
After Jim saved his life, Miles wanted to find a way to covertly repay him, but this was turning into a task he was ill-prepared for. At this point, they were both too damaged and insecure and needed to work things out in their own time. There was really nothing left for Miles to do, so in the meantime, he planned on staying out of it. At least for now.
"Got any sixes?"
"Go fish."
