A/N: This is seriously a blast, writing this story. And what I love the most is that everything in this timeframe is so interpretable. Things could go an infinite amount of ways, and their attitudes towards Christmas is a great example of that. So I present to you my version of their first Dharma Christmas! (If you're on EM's instagram ever, you might notice a little Easter Egg in here). Enjoy!
—-
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
—-
Chapter 10: The Little Prince
After December 1st, Christmas exploded over Dharmaville. It shouldn't have surprised James, considering the way the hippies had treated Halloween (Halloween, for crying out loud!), but nonetheless, when he left his shift to head home, he almost gagged at the amount of decorations strewn about the compound that had not been there that morning. There were lights on the trees, fake plastic Santas and snowmen, spray-can snow on some of the windows, and to his utter disgust, holiday music playing softly over the loudspeaker. On a Goddamned tropical island.
As if starting a new shift rotation wasn't enough - now he had to deal with this? No one, absolutely no one, wanted to be at work at 5 am, but at least it was quiet then. Now he had to listen to this shit after a long day of tromping around in the jungle? It was just unfair.
Now that they'd been on the job six months, they were being trusted with more responsibility. Rather than just observing the monitors and going out on calls every so often, they were now going to be patrolling beyond the fenceline. Miles and Jin would be sent off with Jerry, while James was being trained by Kevin, the current head of security. Part of James simply yearned for solitude (mostly for the peace and quiet he rarely got at home), but part of him couldn't help but covet the position at stake, too. If he had any shot at all of getting the head of security job, he needed to complete the training. Two other guys, D.I. veterans, had already been trained by Kevin in case of emergencies. This was James's chance to show he was worthy of leadership, even if his innermost insecurities rebelled against the concept. If that meant rising before the sun did, and listening to crappy music while covered in dirt and sweat as he walked home in the blazing afternoon sun? So be it. If he had to have Christmas shoved in his face everywhere he looked, fine. There were worse things, he supposed.
To be honest, none of them were in much of a celebratory mood as of late. It was no secret that Christmas was fast approaching, and they were all too tired of saying "I can't believe we're still here," to say it any more. No Locke, no survivors, no rescue. James supposed he was likely the only one not too terribly bothered by it (oddly enough), but everyone else's sour mood certainly didn't help his own. He didn't want to give up hope either, but they couldn't just sit around and wait - they had to do something with their time. Why not at least try to live their lives?
And now James, of all people, seemed to be doing the most with this second chance at a life. It wasn't lost on him how ironic it was that he even gave a shit about being promoted in the first place. Because if he was being honest with himself, he did want this promotion. He ached for it in a way he never thought he would. He wanted to show everyone (someone) that he was capable of being a leader and that perhaps he wasn't the man he used to be. Perhaps he was more than just some dumb hick who lied, stole, and killed to get what he wanted.
He sighed and ran a hand along his face. Speaking of 'someone,' things were good with Juliet right now, and he was grateful for it. They'd just about gone back to how they used to be before they'd slept together, except for the fact that he was more guarded around her - more aware of every move, every word choice, every tone. It was fucking exhausting, and he realized he was going to start resenting her if he had to constantly be on his guard. He didn't want that, but he didn't want to fuck up again, either - he didn't want to go back to a time where they weren't talking. That had been miserable for them both.
James stripped off his clothes and jumped into the shower. Tonight was Amy's birthday party, and - surprise! - it was Christmas themed. Offhandedly, he wondered if she'd always done it like that ever since she was a kid. It seemed it would kind of suck to have a birthday so close to Christmas, but what would he know? This year had been the first time he'd celebrated his birthday in years.
But tonight was going to be kind of a big deal. According to Horace, who was absolutely fucking smitten with this woman, her birthday party was a huge celebration every year. The whole town was invited, and it was almost always hosted outside in the center of the compound. James assumed that was why the decorations had been so hastily put up - there must have been a rush on it. He hoped to God they were just testing the music earlier today - perhaps it wouldn't be an everyday occurrence.
After James finished showering, he dried off and wrapped a towel around his waist. He shaved, brushed back his hair, and sighed heavily before stepping out into the hallway. His heart seized up in his chest when he came upon Juliet fishing around in the hall closet.
She froze and her eyes widened when he stepped out of the bathroom. "Hi," she breathed, and straightened her spine. "I didn't know you were in there." She begged her eyes not to wander, but she couldn't help but flick them down to observe the towel slung low over James's hips. When her eyes met his once more, he was smirking. Clearly he'd noticed.
"Well well well. Whatcha doin' here, Blondie? I thought you were workin'." He leaned cockily against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. She could smell him from here; soap and cologne and aftershave, all mixing to smell so inherently manly it made her knees weak.
"Horace let everyone off early, for Amy's birthday. I ran out of shampoo and the general store's closed." She wiggled a bottle of shampoo, as if proving her story to be true.
But James had seen her eyes wander. He tried not to let it hurt him - the fact that she was clearly attracted to him and yet didn't want him. "Ah. Well. Got whatcha came for then."
"Yeah, I guess I did."
"I'll see ya tonight?" he confirmed hopefully.
"Yeah. I'll see you then," she agreed.
James pursed his lips in an attempt to smile through the awkwardness, and sidestepped Juliet to get to his room. He shut the door behind him and groaned, rolling his eyes in frustration. So much for things going back to normal, he thought miserably.
—-
When James arrived at the birthday party with Miles and Jin, he saw with his own eyes that Horace had been right. The entirety of Dharmaville seemed to be out and about, admiring the strings of lights on all the lampposts and trees. Christmas music blasted out over the compound and James shook his head in dismay when he saw what might have once been a wild hog roasting over a fire pit. How festive… he thought dryly, and wrinkled his nose, remembering a much different time in his life.
Kids ran around playing, and James instinctively looked around for Ben. Luckily, he was nowhere to be seen. "Hey, I'm fuckin' starving. You wanna grab some food?" Miles asked, and rubbed his stomach as if to emphasize his point.
"Nah, I'm good," James said with a wave of his hand. He wanted to find Juliet.
"I go," Jin offered, and the two set off to find something to munch on while they waited for the main course.
After a moment of searching the crowded green, he spotted Juliet helping herself to some punch, wearing a red floral top and dark jeans. She wore her hair loose, her signature waves tumbling across her shoulder blades. His stomach clenched, and he made a beeline to where she stood awkwardly as she waited for them.
"Hey there, Blondie. Was just lookin' for you,'' James called out to announce his presence. Juliet looked genuinely relieved to see him. Or maybe she was just glad to not have to stand alone anymore.
"Hey," she greeted, and sipped on her punch.
"This is some party, huh?" James drawled, and resisted the urge to put his arm around her. In the distance, Brad was eyeing her like she was a feast, and he didn't like it. He felt protective, but knew he had to restrain himself.
"It's… something," she agreed, and gave him a wry smile. "I don't feel very spirit-y, do you?"
"Nah. Feels too weird."
"I wish I could say the same. This'll make Christmas number four," she said dryly, and tossed back the rest of her punch. Being here for Christmas had become her new normal, even if she didn't like it. Her eyes glittered when she looked back at him, wiggling her cup. "Someone spiked the punch."
"There are kids here!" James chuckled and leaned over to sniff her cup. It was definitely spiked.
"I talked to Horace earlier, he said he told the kids' parents. Guess that's enough?" she grinned at him and James's stomach flipped at the easy, genuine reaction, the thought of potentially-drunk kids long forgotten.
Just then, Brad seemingly appeared out of nowhere. He was tall and handsome as ever, Juliet thought, but he definitely had a nervous energy that sapped the good mood right out of her. This certainly wasn't going to go well. "Hi, Juliet. I was wondering if I could talk to you?" he asked shyly, and James felt his heart speed up. His eyes flicked to Juliet's face, which was frozen and unreadable.
"She's kinda in the middle of somethin' here, Mills."
"What?" Brad asked, confused by James's nickname.
"Nothin'," James muttered. Fuckin' time travel. "Look, she's busy," he said again. But then he wondered if he was doing the wrong thing. What if she wanted to talk to him? Should he really be standing in her way? It wasn't like they were an item. He looked to her for confirmation, clearly using his eyes to give her the choice. She looked like a deer in headlights, but he recognized the moment she made her decision - her mouth pursed and she gave an almost imperceptible nod before snaking an arm loosely around his waist. It lit James's soul on fire.
"I'm sorry, Brad. It's just - I'm not available right now, okay?" she murmured, trying to go easy on him, hoping that he'd understand. His eyes widened, and flitted back and forth between them, and how James's arm rested easily around Juliet's shoulders. She cringed as he began to flush, and nodded politely before walking away without another word.
"Yikes - a little harsh on him, weren't ya Blondie?" James gloated, causing Juliet to snap out of her daze and withdraw her arm, tucking it across her stomach.
"Don't get cocky. I just needed to get rid of him."
James laughed, but inside his heart sank. "Ah. Usin' me again, are we? Ya know, you can use me any which way ya want, sweetheart." He hoped his arrogance hid his disappointment.
But Juliet wasn't having it. She felt guilty enough. "Stop. Stop acting like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you don't care. Because you do. And you know I do too, so stop pretending that I don't. I just can't - okay? Not now." Her cheeks were bright red and her comment left James flustered.
"So what, you have all the answers then? Ya know exactly what I'm thinkin'? What I know and what I don't know?" His voice was quiet and his face inches from hers. Juliet said nothing. "Why don't ya wanna go out with the guy?"
Juliet pinned him with a haughty, yet almost pained look. She couldn't admit it out loud. Not again. Not with him standing so close. If she told him how she felt about him, she'd only come across as a tease - she didn't want that. There was absolutely no way she could stand here and explain how much she wanted him but how she equally felt like she shouldn't have him. It was too convoluted and ridiculous, even for her.
He wanted to call her out again, but he never had the chance to because Miles and Jin approached, plates piled high with food. "Food's on!" Miles announced jovially, and the moment was broken.
"James just referenced Seven to Brad," Juliet teased, grateful for the interruption, and it's like their conversation had never happened. Her face was back to being blank and impassive.
She thought Miles would chastise James for potentially jeopardizing the Lie, but he only laughed. "Seven? Really? Because he's named Brad? That's lame, dude. If you're gonna go for it, go for Fight Club or Interview With a Vampire," Miles garbled, his mouth full of food.
"Brad?" Jin asked, confused.
"Like Brad Pitt," Juliet answered, and Jin's face scrunched up in confusion. James rolled his eyes and spent the next few minutes explaining who Brad Pitt was to Jin, while Miles judged him for knowing way too much about the actor. Juliet could only shake her head, thankful for the interruption their appearance had provided.
Ever since Thanksgiving, Juliet felt her resolve slipping away. She yearned for James unlike anyone she'd ever known, and it scared her. She knew she was fighting a losing battle, and it was only a matter of time before she caved, but maybe before then James would finally see: it's not really her he wants, but what (no - who) she represents. She thought it would be easier once they got the sexual tension out of their system, but it had only made it worse. She could see it every time he looked at her, and she couldn't help but wonder if he saw it in her expression, too.
Someday they were going to crash and burn, and it was all going to be her fault for ever getting tangled up in the first place.
—-
After the party, the four sat around the living room in Juliet's house, half-drunk and more morose than they were before the party. Everyone in town had been jolly and spirited - basically everything they weren't. Juliet could hardly blame the Initiates; this was supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Just - not for the four of them. This was Jin's first Christmas away from Sun, Miles's first Christmas on the island, and James… well, he had a lot of reasons to be bitter, she supposed.
"We can't keep this up," Juliet announced tiredly, and leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees. "Amy asked me twice why we were having a terrible time. I told her it was because we missed our crew and how we wished they were here, but she lost her husband and was doing just fine."
"That's cuz she's screwing Horace," Miles snickered, and Juliet threw a pillow at him. He didn't even protest.
"It ain't like you lied, Jules," James sighed, and wished he hadn't. He meant in the way that Jin missed Sun and how James wished he knew what the hell had happened to half of them, and why John Locke hadn't come back yet. He didn't mean Kate, not really, though that was probably how she took it.
Juliet sighed, and James closed his eyes in annoyance. He really did have a big fucking mouth. Alcohol never did him any favors, did it?
"So what do we do?" Jin asked, looking more glum than the rest of them. Somewhere out there, Sun gave birth alone. Jin thought about her everyday, and spending Christmas without her was a torture he hadn't expected to ever have to endure.
"We need to blend in," Juliet offered simply. "Fake it til we make it - isn't that how the saying goes?"
James, who was lying on the floor on his back, looked up at Juliet. He'd been thinking the same thing earlier that day - they needed to find a way to get on with their lives while they waited. He wanted her to know he was with her, but she refused to make eye contact, so he just watched her instead. Who was he kidding? She made a much better leader than he did. He should be the one looking out for them, not keeping his observations to himself. He should be the one making sure the con continued. But as always, she pulled through for them all. She had their backs. And it was a good idea, in theory, but it was gonna take a helluva lot more than a pep talk to get into the Christmas spirit.
"Yeah, well, easier said than done," Miles grumbled from his seat, echoing the same sentiment. Jin, who sat next to Juliet on the couch, said nothing. He just looked at his shoes, impassive.
Juliet looked miserable, and James felt bad for her. None of them had been here as long as she had. And yet she was the one rallying them? They were supposed to be a team. James never in a million years thought he'd ever give a shit about being on anyone's team, but that's what they were, and they needed to start acting like it. Live together, die alone, or whatever the hell that asshole had said.
"I got an idea," he volunteered, and three sets of eyes snapped to stare at him. "None of us wanna be here, we all know that. Juliet's right - ain't no use dwellin' on it. We gotta live our lives as best we can. There's a sub that leaves in two days. It's due to come back a couple days before Christmas. Why don't we splurge a little bit 'a that hard earned Dharma paycheck and buy ourselves somethin' nice?"
"Or better yet," Juliet offered with a subtle grin slowly forming on her face. "Why don't we do Secret Santa?" She tried to ignore the way James watched her pridefully from the floor. It made her flustered in the best kind of way, and she had to actively ignore the way his shirt was riding up on his stomach and how low his jeans were sitting on his hips. She was too drunk and too tired to control herself - she was glad Jin and Miles were here.
"That ain't a bad idea, either," James agreed.
"So what, we just pick names out of a hat? What if we get our own?" Miles asked sarcastically.
"Then ya put it back, dummy," James sneered, stretching out his leg to kick Miles's foot. Juliet rose from her seat and wavered a bit before finding a notepad, pen, and a bowl. She wrote their names out, folded the papers up real small, and tossed them into the bowl. She shook it lightly and passed it around for each person to draw a name. Miles picked his own on the first try, so he had to put it back and they tried again.
Once it was clear that everyone had a name that wasn't their own, Juliet explained the guidelines. "No more than, say, $25?" She looked around at them all, and they nodded. "And you can't reveal who you have until Christmas morning. Deal?"
"Deal," they all echoed, though Jin admitted he didn't know what this was. Juliet explained the game, and he nodded, looking genuinely intrigued.
"I know this sucks, for everyone," Juliet mused as she looked up at them all in turn. "But we have each other, right? We're gonna make it through this."
James wondered just how drunk she was, and whether she believed anything she was saying or if she was only saying it for their benefit. "We will," he agreed, and squeezed her ankle in reassurance. Miles and Jin stretched and made it clear they were ready to leave. James stood, feeling woozy himself, and plopped a kiss on the top of her head before his brain could process the action. She didn't mind. "You're good at this," he whispered softly, and playfully ruffled her hair.
"So are you, James," she stated confidently, eyes twinkling as they locked onto his. He shrugged one shoulder and left her sitting on the couch as the three of them headed home.
It was the first time in a very long time that even though she was the only one in her house, Juliet didn't feel alone.
—-
The next few weeks passed as normal, with the four castaways sticking to their routine as much as possible. They put in their orders for their Secret Santa and privately continued trying to wrap their brains around the fact that they'd been in 1974 for over six months now, with no rescue in sight. They couldn't help but wonder if they'd be here forever, though none of them wanted to dwell on that for too long. It was too depressing, and they were trying to remain optimistic - for the good of everyone.
Soon enough, they found that Juliet's advice began to ring true. It wasn't sudden, like the flicking of a lightswitch, but more gradual the closer they got to Christmas. Like the rising of the morning sun, their attitudes grew a little brighter each day, until before they knew it, they actually looked forward to spending the holiday together.
Everyone in the compound had off starting the 23rd, except for Horace's innermost circle in security (James was grateful that he'd yet to be included in that group). The day the sub came in, they each covertly acquired the items they'd ordered and used the rec room to wrap them privately. Despite the giddy curiosity infecting the group, no one wanted to spoil the surprise. They all found hiding places in their respective bedrooms, ready to be pulled out Christmas morning.
Juliet hosted them the first afternoon off at her house, where they baked cookies and attempted to make gingerbread houses. By the end of it, there was flour everywhere and three empty bottles of wine rolling around her dining room floor. James had icing in his hair, Jin ate the entire bag of gumdrops, and Miles fell asleep with his cheek planted firmly against Juliet's dining room table. While Miles slept, James and Juliet sat on the floor with their backs against the cabinets, eating the fruits of their labor, laughing at how the dyed icing turned their tongues blue. Jin laid on the couch, his stomach roiling, and also soon fell asleep.
Juliet was having a blast sitting on the floor of her messy kitchen with James. They talked about the books they were reading, their favorite authors, and which movie adaptations were worth the hype. They talked for hours before the buzz wore off and their butts were numb, and they wondered blankly why they'd never moved. James woke up Miles and Jin, and together they walked home, promising to help Juliet clean the next day. But she waved them off, saying she didn't mind as long as they hosted Christmas Eve. James readily agreed, and Juliet found herself smiling hard when she closed the door behind them.
On Christmas Eve, James and Miles woke up to Jin being gone. He left a note that simply said, "Back soon." So, they went about their day, cleaning up their house in anticipation of Juliet coming over later in the afternoon. By the time they were done, Jin still wasn't home, so they ate lunch without him and stuck a sandwich in the fridge for when he returned.
Juliet arrived shortly after one, wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a red t-shirt. James was pleasantly surprised, and at his raised eyebrows Juliet only smirked and answered, all too seriously, "Christmas means pajamas, James," and helped herself to some orange juice from their fridge.
She brought with her a fruit and veggie platter she'd spent some of the morning putting together, and they snacked while chatting about past Christmases. When conversation started to turn too serious, when the mood started to slide from nostalgic to dour, Miles stepped away and put on a holiday album he'd borrowed from Jerry. James tried not to get too jealous as Miles whirled Juliet around the room. They were all in pajamas now, and the height difference made the two mismatched friends look ridiculous as they spun around the living room, dancing and laughing like children.
Finally, just before dinnertime, Jin finally returned home. He was hauling a six foot tree, wrapped in twine and perfectly narrow enough to fit in their small living room. His eyes were red rimmed, but his smile was bright as he leaned it against the wall. He went back to the front porch and brought in a large box filled with a tree stand, mismatched broken ornaments, and several tangled strings of lights.
While he showered, James and Miles set the tree in the stand as Juliet unraveled the lights. She tested them and found that many of the bulbs were burnt out. The box must be the reject pile she'd seen in the rec room. It had been there for Initiates to recycle old decorations they no longer wanted, so Horace could send them back to Michigan at the end of the season. It was almost too perfect of an idea, and Juliet was glad that Jin brought it home.
When he returned from the shower, Jin was also dressed in his pajamas and they continued playing the album again from the top. They spent almost two hours perfecting the tree, and when they eyed their handiwork just after the sun went down, they had to admit - they were finally, comfortably in the Christmas spirit.
Juliet shut off the lights, and even though it wasn't fully dark outside, the twinkle and glow of the tree (of the bulbs that worked) was enough to bring tears to their eyes.
No one felt like cooking, so they finished off Juliet's platter and ate sandwiches again, plus cookies from the day before, by the light of the tree. For a while they sat in silence, all lost in their own thoughts.
Miles, still feeling hungover from the day before, excused himself to go to bed early. Jin didn't last too long after him, exhausted from the hard labor of cutting down a tree alone. He'd wanted to do it, to show his friends his gratitude, but also because slamming his ax into the tree while he'd cried and grieved for what he was missing out on with Sun had been therapeutic. He'd needed to spend part of this day alone, but he was glad it was over.
When he was gone, James glanced at Juliet, suddenly feeling nervous. But her face was serene as she admired the tree. They were still sitting on the floor and his back was starting to hurt, but he didn't want to move. He didn't want to make any sudden moves that might remind her that they were alone. He'd grown to see her as something like a small animal, easily startled if you got too close - and he didn't want her to flee.
He supposed he'd been like that once; scaring off anything that got too close. He was glad he didn't feel that way towards her anymore.
Juliet inhaled deeply and licked her lips before speaking, knowing that James was watching her. "The decorations, the tree… they're broken, like us, but all together - it looks beautiful, doesn't it?" The observation hung in the air around them, wrapping them up and providing a comfort James hadn't expected to feel.
"It sure does," he agreed, his throat feeling thick. He couldn't believe how lucky he was sometimes, to have found friends like these. He couldn't imagine doing any of this without them. In fact, this was shaping up to perhaps be his best Christmas yet.
Juliet yawned, and James could feel the change in the air as she looked around the room. He almost offered to walk her home, assuming she wanted to leave and wanting to get the offer across before he lost his nerve, but instead she got a goofy grin on her face and tugged on his pant leg. She laid on her back and shimmied her body until her head was positioned underneath the tree, looking up at the lights and ornaments from below. The rainbow lights illuminated her pale skin, making it look like she were absorbing the colors. Her eyes danced as they angled to find James's, and she jerked her head, again welcoming him to join her.
He laid down and pressed his shoulder against hers as he positioned himself next to her. He swiped the hair from his face and looked up. It looked somehow even more magical from this angle, and it only helped that he could feel her body so close to his, and smell her lemony scent mixing with the pine of the tree.
They laid there in silence for a long stretch of time, not needing to speak. When James thought she might have fallen asleep, he tilted his head to look at her. There was no mistaking the translucent tear track that connected the corner of her eye to her hairline by her ear. But she wasn't sobbing, and her eyes were still focused upwards. Without hesitation, James felt around until he found her hand, needing to feel the physical connection. He laced his fingers through hers and squeezed tightly. I'm here with you, his touch said. She squeezed back. I know.
"Rachel and I used to do this as kids. Hell, we're probably doing it right now, somewhere out there," Juliet murmured. Her voice was low, but matter-of-fact. James wondered if she even realized she was crying. "It's calming, you know? Seeing the tree from down here… I know it's just nature, and plastic, and electricity, but combined it looks so magical, especially from this angle."
James didn't know if he should respond. He didn't want to break the spell. So he waited a few minutes, head tilted to the side, watching her. He saw the different emotions playing across her face, all fighting for dominance. Worry, sadness, joy. He loved the fact that he was starting to be able to read her expressions this way. He truly doubted now that she was just simply allowing him to see them. The bond he felt in his chest pulled taut, watching her process whatever was going on in her head.
After a few moments of silence, she continued, resolve and peace finally settling on her features. "You and I - we're not unlike this tree. You would think that there would be nothing beautiful or particularly special about all the components and yet… it's one of the most magical, amazing things I've ever seen. But it's fleeting. People don't keep their trees up all year. You and I… We could have something, for a little while. But beautiful things like this aren't meant to last, otherwise where would the magic be? If we did keep the tree up all year long, we wouldn't look at it the same way, would we?" She finally turned her head to look into his eyes. He was stunned by her blatant honesty, by her walls coming down and allowing him a peek inside. It took his breath away.
"I know you may think I'm callous, James, keeping you at arm's length. You may think I don't care, or that I don't want what you want, but I do. But someday soon, this tree is going to die. It was cut down for our entertainment and it won't last. And when it's dead, it'll be discarded like the rest of the Christmas trees, and I know how that feels. And I can't - " She felt her throat tighten. He was looking at her with such a deep intensity, she thought she might start to sob at any moment. "I've been hurt too many times by now. I won't survive being hurt by you. I just know it."
James felt his heart constrict in his chest. He didn't blame her for feeling the way she did. He'd spent a lifetime hurting vulnerable women. He wanted more than anything to reassure her, to let her know that he wouldn't hurt her. But how could he be sure? He'd like to think a tiger could change his stripes anytime he wanted, because he'd been trying to do just that for months, but what if she was right? He's only ever felt this dependent and attached to someone once, and that was with Kate - and look how poorly that turned out. James couldn't help how much he yearned to be anywhere near Juliet; he had no control over the fact that she soothed him and grounded him, and made him want to be the very best version of himself that he could be. But it also deeply unsettled him how much power she held over him without even trying.
No matter his stripes, James hated the thought of being tied to anyone other than himself. What if her instincts were right, and as soon as things got to be too much, he'd run?
He sighed, deciding that he didn't know what the future held, and there was no way to predict how it was going to go. After all, he never thought he'd end up here. He couldn't have imagined that he'd be lying under a Christmas tree, admiring the Other who tased him as he remembered what it felt like to be inside her. And yet here he was.
Perhaps there were still more ways in which James Ford could grow to be a better person than Sawyer ever was. And maybe she was the key to it all.
"Guess I gotta find a way to prove you wrong then," he offered with a fully-dimpled smile. "Cuz you can't tell the future any better'n I can, Juliet. I can't promise I ain't ever gonna hurt ya, but I swear I'll try not to. You trust me, dontcha?"
Her eye twitched. "I trust you with my life. But I don't know if I trust that you won't lie to me; you already did."
"Guess that's another thing I gotta prove, huh?"
"Why do you want this so badly?" she whispered. "I'm not Kate, you know." She didn't miss the way he flinched at her name.
James was taken aback by her statement. Why did she think that he needed to hear that? He hadn't been hung up on Kate in months. "I know you ain't. You're you. And for the record, I sure as hell ain't Jack, either. I need you to know that."
The comment took Juliet's breath away. It suddenly became too much. Another stray tear leaked out of the corner of her eye, and he used the fingers on the hand that wasn't clasped in her own to wipe it away.
The moment felt vulnerable and James wanted more than anything to kiss her. But he didn't want to break her, and a kiss might do just that. So he lifted her hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it instead, savoring the way her breath caught and the way her soft skin felt against his lips. She stared back at him, unblinking and raw, and James believed every word she'd said. She did want him. He could see it in the veiled pain behind her expression.
And that's when Juliet realized that the secret to reading James was to focus solely on his eyes. His face remained stoic, but his eyes were soft, and sad, and told Juliet everything she needed to know about how he felt in that moment. It broke her heart to see that her decision to remain friends had been causing him such pain. He tried to hide it, but she could tell.
When James lowered her hand back down and stared back up into the tree, he somehow felt lighter than he had in months. He supposed it felt good to have honesty between them for once; to get it all out in the open instead of keeping it inside and wondering what the other was thinking. "You know, you told me a story 'bout Christmas when you were a kid - it's only fair I share one too. I ain't got too many stories that I remember, but I do remember the last Christmas I spent with my parents. They got me the Battleship board game. Thing is, I didn't have any siblings or friends to play it with."
Juliet was quiet, wondering where James was going with this. She wondered if he was trying to diffuse the intense heat that had sprung up between them after her confession or if he was just trying to make her feel better by sharing something about himself. Either way, she was grateful for it, and she listened, enraptured by the deep timbre of his voice.
"Back then, my mama and daddy were too busy to play with me, so I'd open the box just to play with the little ships." Juliet pretended not to notice the single tear that fell into James's long hair. He paused a moment, chewing on his lip, and she could tell he was debating his next sentence. "But now I got you. You're the person I wanna play Battleship with. You're the best friend I ain't ever had til now. I don't wanna ruin it." He ran his tongue nervously across his teeth. "This time on the island has been weird, Juliet. I'm still the same guy but I ain't the same man, if that makes any sense. I don't know what to do to show you that, but I wanna try." He couldn't look at her. So he stared up into the tree instead, focusing on the broken ornaments and how their jagged edges reflected the lights. Juliet had been right. This was the perfect tree for the four of them.
"You are," she whispered, and brought his hand to her lips, the same way he'd done to her. Juliet had known for a while that she wasn't meant to find lasting love. She was 35, and had been hurt too many times to feel like any of it was even worth it. But despite all the warning bells and screeching alarms telling her to let go of him before it was too late, she just couldn't. In fact, she found herself holding on for dear life, as if he were her buoy in a storm. "I just need time."
She smiled at him, and he smiled back, and Juliet felt this was going to be her best Christmas on the island by far.
He cleared his throat, and moved out from under the tree. She followed suit, assuming he had only done so to prevent himself from kissing her. She was grateful. "It's depressing to wake up on Christmas alone, so if ya wanna stay here, ya can. I can take the couch and you can have my room," James offered, scratching the back of his head nervously.
Juliet shook her head. "I'll stay, if you don't mind. But you don't have to take the couch if you don't want to. If you think we can just sleep." She hoped he understood that she wasn't willing to have sex again, even if they'd done it before. She already felt exposed enough as it was.
The offer took James by surprise, but he stood and offered his hand to her. She took it, and he helped her up. Together they walked down the hall to the bathroom, and he handed her a spare toothbrush from under the sink. They brushed their teeth in silence, both feeling their cheeks warmed by the anticipation of sleeping beside one another. Sex wasn't the only thing that fostered intimacy, and sharing a bed after baring their souls to one another felt like a huge step forward for them both.
When they entered James's bedroom, Juliet's eyes flicked to the place where James had pinned her to the wall. It had been almost two full months ago. How was that possible? It somehow felt like days and years since he'd ravished her like that. Quickly, she averted her eyes so he wouldn't catch her staring and stepped into the room.
James closed the bedroom door behind them, and let her settle into the side of the bed she wanted before carefully climbing in next to her. Juliet ignored the heat pooling between her legs as she was wrapped up in everything wholly James - his sheets smelled like him and his body heat radiated towards her from where he laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling with one arm propped under his head. She didn't know how to be in his bed. She needed to be on her side to sleep, so did she sleep towards him or away from him? She preferred her right side, but wasn't sure she'd be able to doze off if he was staring at her.
Soon it didn't matter, because he faced away from her, finally settling down onto his side. He was starting to get hard and desperately needed to hide it from her. It didn't help when he felt her tentatively sidle up behind him, hugging him from behind. He closed his eyes, savoring the way her arms pressed against his chest in a tight embrace.
She felt like an anchor, keeping him grounded. She made him feel safe.
"Merry Christmas, James," she whispered, and moved to pull away, likely trying to give him space to fall asleep. But he held fast, using his hands to pin her arms against his chest. He didn't want her to go. So she didn't.
"Merry Christmas, Juliet," he whispered back, and smiled hard as she settled down against his back. They fell asleep quickly, lulled by the presence of the other, their hearts finally at peace.
—-
The next morning, a crashing sound woke James up from what just may have been the best night's sleep of his life. He startled, and looked down to see Juliet's forehead pressed against his collarbone. Her blonde hair was fanned out on the pillow beneath her, and she was curled into his body, with one of his arms slung across her waist. He only had time to admire her beautiful, serene face for a moment before another loud noise came from the kitchen on the other side of his wall.
She wrinkled her forehead as she opened her eyes, squinting against the early morning sun, but James was delighted to see a shy smile appear on her lips as she looked up into his face. "Hey you," she murmured, and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
"Hey yourself," he replied, and couldn't stop himself from planting a kiss on her forehead. The resulting smile made his heart soar.
"I'm guessing it's Christmas morning and the kids are awake?" she noted dryly, stifling a yawn. The statement made James's stomach tighten, spawning a whole new fantasy he'd never thought he'd imagine before.
"Guess so." He thought about mundane things: Richard, the crash, Horace in a tutu - anything to soften the morning visitor between his legs. If she noticed, she didn't mention it, which James was grateful for.
Begrudgingly, they got out of bed only to find Miles puttering around in the kitchen. His hair stood on end and he was mixing what looked to be blueberry pancake mix in a bowl. When he looked up and saw them both standing there, watching him with sleepy eyes, he paused and his eyebrows shot up.
"Nothing happened," Juliet said through another yawn, and sat down at the table. James poured some of the coffee Miles had graciously made and handed her a cup - cream, no sugar, just as she liked it. He grabbed another mug for himself, drinking his black.
They woke up slowly, chatting as Miles cooked and while they waited for Jin to wake up. Briefly, Juliet snuck out to head home so she could get the presents hidden under her bed. She was gone a lot longer than they expected her to be, and when she returned, Jin was finally awake and at the table. They all enjoyed their breakfast before settling down in the living room for presents.
Jin went first, giving Miles his gifts. Wrapped in old newspapers were three playboys, a package of new socks, and a variety of chocolate. Everyone laughed as Miles opened each one, and Jin looked real proud of himself when he noticed the tears James had rolling down his face. He'd lost it when he saw Miles's dumbfounded expression at the socks. Once Miles finally got it, he smacked Jin with one of the magazines, setting James off into another peal of laughter.
Juliet thought the sound was the most incredible thing she'd ever heard.
Miles went next, bringing out a big box for Juliet. Inside was a bathrobe, bath salts, lacy underwear (which caught James's attention, and earned Miles a smack from Juliet) and fuzzy slippers. Miles almost joked that the gift was also for James, but he caught himself before he made things awkward. Aside from the underwear, it was actually a very thoughtful gift and she hugged Miles tightly before slipping her new robe around her shoulders.
James was too antsy to wait, so he jumped in line, disrupting the flow. He didn't wrap his, so he made Jin close his eyes as he hauled out a new fishing pole, tackle box filled with bait, and pocket knife out from under his bed. He didn't know how the hell to wrap any of it, because of the awkward shapes, but it didn't matter. Jin was thrilled, and chatted away in Korean as he explored the different functions of the multi-tool. James never really thought of himself as a good gift-giver, so he was pleasantly surprised when Jin clapped him on the back in a half hug, saying thank you.
Last but not least, Juliet jerked her head to indicate the boxes under the tree. She was nervous, waiting for James to open them. He picked the smallest one first, and opened it to find a wristwatch inside. It was silver plated and sleek, despite it being the 70s where everything was gaudy. He grinned, and slipped it on right away.
(I just need time, Juliet had said).
Next, he opened a picture frame. Inside was a picture of the four of them, taken at Amy's birthday party. They had their arms around one another, and they were all smiling. James felt his throat grow tight, and he had to swallow before anyone noticed the emotion bubbling to the surface.
(I don't want to ruin our friendship, she'd implied).
He cleared his throat before finally opening his last gift. It was in different wrapping paper than the other two, and there was a note attached to the front.
James,
I originally got you 'Sorry' so we didn't have to keep borrowing it from the rec room (among other reasons…) but this felt like a better fit instead. It's a loaner; yours will come in after the new year.
J
James furrowed his eyebrows and shook the box. It sounded like it had a lot of loose pieces, and suddenly all the air dissolved in his chest. He looked up at her, wide-eyed, but she remained the visage of calm, with a small, satisfied smile on her face. He tore open the paper and found that she'd wrapped Battleship, likely stolen from the rec room.
The feeling that flooded James's nerve-endings was something he'd never felt before, and something he couldn't begin to explain. He felt seen. He felt heard. He felt hopeful, and stunned, and stupidly happy. When he looked back up at her after running his fingers along the worn box, she had tears in her eyes.
"Do you like it?" she asked, chewing on her lip. Jin and Miles watched them having this odd exchange, both confused. Miles snatched up the note, curiosity winning him over.
"I do," James replied, nodding and gripping the box hard. He couldn't say much else, lest he risk losing his shit in front of Miles and Jin. Somehow this used one beat the one his parents had given him by a mile.
"Hey - what about Sorry?" Miles asked. "The rec room one is missing pieces. You still have it, right?" Juliet nodded. She wasn't going to explain why she'd traded out James's gift last minute. That was something that she planned to keep between them. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go get it! It's Christmas tradition to play with your new stuff on Christmas day and you really don't want me testing out mine."
Jin knocked Miles with a pillow, breaking the tension and making everyone laugh. "Whyyy!?" Miles whined, and grabbed a pillow to hit Jin back.
"Boys, boys! Stop - I'll go get it!" Juliet laughed, and gave James a small wave before leaving to retrieve the game.
They spent the rest of the morning at the dining room table playing games. First it was Sorry, followed by a Battleship Championship. James won, which tickled Juliet. Seeing his face light up as they all played together was worth every effort she'd gone through to sneak into the rec room to steal it. Once she placed the order with Amy tomorrow, she'd be sure to return it. Probably.
They attended the afternoon showing of Miracle on 34th Street on the projector in the rec room, just as they'd done for Halloween. Only this time, there were no pretenses - Juliet laid her head on James's shoulder and he held her hand, grinning like an idiot through the whole movie. He knew they weren't together, not yet anyway, but he felt more comfortable taking her hand now. When the movie ended, everyone was invited back to the cafeteria for a large feast with turkey, ham, casseroles, and all the sides they'd missed out on when Juliet had cooked for Thanksgiving. The food was delicious, and Juliet meekly apologized once more for taking on more than she could handle. All was forgiven, but they made her promise to never do it again.
Juliet hardly cared that Ben sat in the corner with his father. Now that she knew he was here, she started paying attention. What she saw was enough to remind her that James had been right all along. This kid couldn't hurt a fly - not yet, at least. He was nothing like the man she hated, and she reminded herself that there was nothing he could do to her here.
Finally, with full bellies and tired eyes, they trudged back to the guys' house to figure out what they wanted to do next. While searching the rec room earlier that day, Juliet came across A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens. She retrieved it from her house on the way back from the cafeteria and asked James to read it aloud to everyone. She just wanted to hear his voice. But he refused, instead asking if she would read it to them. Miles and Jin agreed; they had to listen to James's accent enough as it was.
So, as everyone settled into their respective positions around the living room (Juliet in one chair, James in another, Jin lying on the couch and Miles lying on the floor), she began to read. Her voice was steady and smooth, even-tempered and melodic. It was almost too soothing, as she'd only gotten through the first stave before Miles and Jin were asleep. James forced himself to stay awake, if only to listen to her just for a few minutes longer. But she saw how his eyes were closing too, and she stopped just as Scrooge arrived at the house of his former love.
She closed the book quietly and stood to leave, but James reached out a hand to grab onto her wrist. With his eyes, he asked her to stay. She pursed her lips and shook her head slightly; it was time for her to go home. James closed his eyes and tilted the corner of his mouth up in acknowledgement, knowing she was probably right. He was far too happy to control himself tonight if she were to stay in his bed.
He loved that they could do this: have these unspoken conversations. It was how he knew she was his best friend. She was the only person he could do this with.
"Can I walk you home?" he asked, voice deep and rough from sleep trying to take hold.
She shook her head. "I'm okay. But thank you." In her mind, she imagined him walking her home, with only the sounds of crickets to keep them company. He'd take her hand and lead her to the doorstep, and she'd pull out some mistletoe from somewhere and hold it above them, saying that it was her last and final Christmas gift to him. He'd smile, take her face in his hands, and press a soft kiss to her lips. She'd taste him, and wholly and fully give herself over to the kiss before saying goodnight and stepping into her house alone.
It was certainly a good daydream, but she knew better than to tempt herself. If she let him walk her home, she'd invite him inside. If she invited him inside, she'd lose every ounce of willpower keeping her from pouncing on him and it would all be over from there. They were already playing with fire enough as it was, holding hands and stealing glances and touches anytime they could. She knew it was a slippery slope, and she was one step away from sliding all the way down.
But that was going to have to be a problem for another day.
So instead, she settled for a kiss on the cheek before showing herself out of the house and closing the door behind her. James touched the place her lips had been, and closed his eyes. He left Miles and Jin where they were before brushing his teeth and settling into his bed.
The sheets still smelled like her, and he allowed himself to get wrapped up in it, falling asleep with the ghost of a smile on his face.
—-
In those days, I didn't understand anything. I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contradictory! But I was too young to know how to love her.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
—-
Dedicated to ariz0na, for I have finally delivered on some long-awaited fluff.
