A/N: I would have updated sooner, but I had family visiting this weekend and this took a bit of a backseat. But I've been really looking forward to writing this chapter, and I hope you all enjoy! (Yes, I recognize this song mentioned in the first half hasn't technically come out yet, but we are going to have to suspend our disbelief a little bit and pretend it did :) - I am only off by a couple months I think). As with the other one in chapter 6, it helps if you listen to it!
—-
Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you
Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can't live without you
Can't you see it in my eyes?
I've been one poor correspondent
And I've been too, too hard to find
But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind
Will you meet me in the middle?
Will you meet me in the air?
Will you love me just a little?
Just enough to show you care?
America, Sister Golden Hair
—-
Chapter 11: One of Them
With a new year comes a new treaty negotiation, or at least that was what Horace had said as he explained to James why they would be meeting with the hostiles the day before the new year began. James didn't quite understand why it needed to be renewed every year when nothing ever seemed to change on the island as far as he was concerned. That is, until after the negotiation was complete and he realized what was being set in motion.
James had accompanied Kevin, Horace, and the two other guys trained to sub in as head of security to the meeting with Richard and his people. He was finally being brought into the 'inner circle,' and this meeting was a chance to see just what went on behind the scenes. He hadn't spoken with Richard since their first day, and was grateful Richard hadn't brought it up in front of everyone. He'd only nodded his head once towards James in polite acknowledgment, and in return James kept his mouth shut, leaving the actual work up to Kevin and Horace. Though he was only invited to be an observer as a part of his training, it felt good to be included as one of the select few who got to bear witness to the exchange.
Horace had negotiated like a used car salesman; he was far more cunning than James gave him credit for. And all of this pomp and circumstance hadn't been about keeping the peace at all; it had been about securing the land for a new Dharma station. According to Horace, and therefore the scientists led by Miles's father, this new site would simply be a greenhouse, though James knew that certainly wasn't the case.
By the end of the meeting, the promised trade had been made: supplies for land, and no acts of aggression from either party. And that was it. James was home before dinnertime with only a sickening twist in his stomach as a souvenir.
Instead of going home to shower like he wanted to, James needed to talk to someone about this. Miles and Jin might have been home by now, but they weren't who he wanted to see. So, he offered to turn in the van they'd used to drive to the meeting location and headed straight for the motor pool.
James knew with stunning clarity that Juliet was his best friend; it wasn't lost on him how ironic that was, given where they'd started. He also didn't feel the need to try and deny that fact anymore, as Christmas had served as the catalyst needed for a drastic shift in their relationship. It should have made him even more afraid of what was growing in his chest like moss, covering every inch of muscle and sinew and organ, but it didn't. He knew what he was feeling, and he couldn't help but accept it at this point - there was no fighting it, he'd learned that the hard way.
In fact, over the last week, James began to realize it was becoming almost unbearable to be away from her. She took up every ounce of available space in his brain, and he found that he thought about her all day, every day. He'd think of her blue eyes and perfect body and clean, lemony scent each night in the shower when he took himself in his hand. Her dry sarcasm, coy smile, and playful wit ran wild in his brain, and it intrigued him that his attraction to her lay far beyond just the physical. He used to think of Kate that way once upon a time, but not anymore.
But lately, James also felt old aggravation swimming to the surface, trying to break free. He was growing impatient and almost pained, knowing there was this flirtation between them that teetered on the edge of being something more, yet wasn't. He understood where she was coming from, and hell - he'd had the same instincts way back when. But he knew that she knew that there was no running from this - so why bother? Why not just embrace it and throw caution to the wind and just be?
Because for whatever reason, she wasn't ready, and that was killing him slowly inside. But if waiting was going to be the only way…?
He caught her eye as he parked the van, and she lit up and waved at him, grinning freely.
He sighed. If waiting was the only thing he could do, then he was going to have to do it. He'd tried pushing her away once, and that hadn't gone over well. He'd tried all his charm and tricks but she seemed immune to his powers, calling him out every time he did something even remotely unlike him. He didn't know what she wanted or what it would take for her to make up her goddamn mind, but he was slowly going crazy, not being with her.
So, he was just going to have to let go of all his preconceived notions of how to win over a woman and just try doing the thing he struggled with the most - being himself - and hope it would be enough. His inner demons whispered that he'd never be enough for her, but he squashed them down before they could fester.
"James!" she called out, and her delight felt like divine confirmation that he was doing the right thing. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off by now?" She came closer to him, wiping her hands on a rag.
"Yeah, well, we went out for negotiation this morning," James quietly informed her. Her smile faded and was replaced by concern.
"How did it go?" she asked, all business.
James signaled for her to come closer, and she looked over her shoulder once before joining him by the driver's side of the van. "They just brokered the deal to get the land where they're gonna build the Orchid," he revealed.
"Oh," was all she could say, her eyebrows springing up into her hairline in response.
"That sound familiar at all?"
"Should it?"
"I dunno - you lived with 'em for a while. Do you remember hearin' about any 'a this?" He scratched the back of his head. James didn't know whether he really believed in 'whatever happened, happened,' but it was things like this that made his spine tingle. If things didn't turn out exactly as they did in his timeline, then what would that mean for them? He wasn't exactly up to date on his Dharma Initiative history lessons - when was the Orchid built? What about the Hatch? Was this stuff he should be on the lookout for? Suddenly the thought of potentially becoming head of security someday felt overwhelming. He needed to stay in Horace's inner circle, but it was a hell of a lot more responsibility than he felt ready for.
Juliet shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't know anything else. What did Horace say in the meeting?"
James sighed, "Just that him and his buddies wanted the site for 'botanical research,' but we both know that ain't it. Richard gave it to 'em in exchange for supplies."
Juliet nodded, inhaling deeping through her nose. "Well. I guess we'll find out what happens, won't we?" She bit her lip, looking like she might want to say more. Her eyes flicked down to his hand, as if she might want to take it. He needed no further invitation, and slipped his fingers easily through hers.
"We all gonna go to the New Years shindig tonight?" he asked her, watching her trying to fight the grin threatening to spread across her face. She hadn't expected him to change the subject and it had caught her off guard. He loved when that happened.
"Do we have to?" she moaned a little, and James laughed. "I mean, we've already celebrated 1975 once before."
"Miles and Jin haven't. They ain't even born yet, though Jin's almost there." Juliet chuckled, and rubbed her thumb across the side of James's hand. A slippery slope, indeed, she thought. "It might be fun. 'Sides, didn't you lecture us a few weeks ago about fittin' in? Nobody else on the island's gonna be mopin' around about it bein' a new year but us. Gotta keep up appearances."
He had a point. "I know. I guess with each week that goes by, it gets even harder to believe we're still here, you know?"
"I know. And Jesus, 1975?" he whistled low under his breath, making her smile. "That's still so fuckin' weird to say."
"I wish I could say you'll get used to it, but how would I know?" she tried to joke. But James's smile vanished.
"This your fourth one?" he asked somberly. She nodded, but he was glad to note she didn't look too devastated to say so. Trying to take her lead, he changed his stance and shrugged a shoulder nonchalantly. "What's a year amount to? We have all the time there is," he couldn't help but grin. A laugh bubbled out of Juliet.
"Little House?" She quirked an eyebrow at him, surprised by the quote (and thereby the admission behind it, which was that he could quote it in the first place). "I love Little House." James felt heat flood his cheeks; he'd been certain she wouldn't get the reference. But he should know better than to underestimate her.
"Juliet! You checking in the van or what?" a voice called from behind them. They turned to find Juliet's boss watching them with his hands on his hips. The big burly man shook his head and turned to go back to work, the moment effectively ruined.
"I should go," she relented, and let go of James's hand. "See you tonight?"
"Mmmhmm," he agreed, and dropped the keys into her outstretched palm. Tonight certainly couldn't come fast enough.
—-
Juliet showed up to the guys' house a few hours later looking like a completely different person. Even Jin, who was reserved and not easily surprised, felt his jaw drop as Juliet walked inside. She wore a sleeveless, knee-length black dress, its halter neckline resting above her collarbones, with a tear-drop shape cut out in the center of her chest. Her hair was completely straight, with two braided pieces starting at her temples and clipped together in the back. Her makeup was smoky and mysterious, making her blue eyes stand out starkly against her pale skin. She looked completely breathtaking.
"Well shit," Miles murmured under his breath, even as Jin cleared his throat and averted his eyes. "Hey Jim! Come here!" Miles called out, smirking at the blush suddenly forming on Juliet's cheeks as she joined him in the kitchen, mouth open to protest against him calling for James.
She immediately regretted letting Amy do her makeup and pick out her dress - none of this felt like 'her' and she'd said as much to her friend earlier, but Amy wouldn't take no for an answer. She had gone on and on about how it would be 'fun' to see Juliet let loose for once, and she needed to look the part if she was going to attend the annual New Year's Eve dance party. Miles and Jin's reactions had only been further confirmation that she'd gone way overboard, and she suddenly felt immensely self-conscious.
"What?" she heard James shout from his bedroom down the hallway. He strolled out, wearing a powder blue button up shirt rolled up to the elbows and slightly flared khaki pants. Juliet almost laughed, seeing the 70s get-up, if it weren't for how absolutely gorgeous he looked with his just-shaven face and the tanned skin of his chest peaking through his shirt.
When his eyes caught hers, he stopped in his tracks and looked confused for a moment, as if he didn't know who she was. When it dawned on him, no amount of practice of keeping a neutral demeanor could have prevented him from showing everything on his face. His eyes raked up and down her body, jaw dropped, and eyebrows shot up near his hairline. He felt an almost physical pain in his chest (and his groin) at the sight of her, and it took him a moment to remember how to breathe.
"Son of a bitch…" he whispered under his breath, and Juliet felt her face flame even hotter at the attention. This had definitely been a mistake.
"I think I might go change…" she started to say, and the panic in James's face stopped her.
"You look… incredible," he said, and the genuineness, without any hint of sarcasm or mocking, made her stomach flutter. A little seedling of confidence sprouted in her heart, and she grinned as she decided instead to nurture it. Just because she didn't normally dress this way didn't mean she shouldn't own it. Right? Just because she preferred to look more demure and practical didn't mean she wasn't worthy of being on display every once in a while. James's reaction (as well as Jin's and Miles's) certainly reminded her that she wasn't the same mousey girl she used to be. It made her smile, just a little bit, to realize she hadn't completely changed for the worst since coming to the island. Perhaps Amy'd had good instincts after all.
After a late dinner, the four made their way to the rec room, which had been converted into a genuine 1970s disco. It was completely surreal to see, with the flashing lights, the disco ball, and the Initiates in their formal, patterned attire all swaying to the music. Juliet couldn't help but bark a laugh, which she tried to stifle by covering a hand over her mouth. She looked at James, and a silent conversation passed between them:
Can you believe this!?
No way, this is absolutely fucking insane.
What on earth are we doing here?
Beats me, but let's do it anyway.
James shrugged, shaking his head a little in dismay. "When in Rome?" he asked the group, and led them inside with a healthy dose of skepticism coloring his disposition. He poured himself some punch and took a whiff - it was already spiked, as he suspected it would be.
Over the course of the evening, he tried to mingle, but it was so hard being away from Juliet. His eyes would instinctively roam to find her, and once he did, he'd find himself resuming his people-watching, as he'd once done at the Fourth of July party.
The Changs were here, and he could tell Miles was trying to find a way to insert himself in conversation with them and some of the other scientists. He did a lot of nodding and smiling, as it was clear he was uncomfortable with his current situation. More than once though, James saw Lara whisper something over to Miles, causing him to laugh. James was glad he seemed to be doing okay.
In the corner, Horace and Amy were making out like teenagers. It made James both happy to see them happy, but also bitter to know that they had what he didn't quite have. He didn't know what the hell Amy saw in Horace, but she deserved companionship after everything she'd been through, so he let the jealousy go.
Finally, James noticed Radzinsky, who seemed to be wasted, as he and Phil really started hamming it up on the dance floor. James didn't know what to make of their gyrations, and wanted to joke with Juliet about it but she was talking to Jin over by the snack table. She must have felt him staring, because she suddenly looked over and caught his eye. He jerked his head a bit, and she excused herself before coming over to join him as he leaned against the wall.
"I'd never peg you for a wallflower," she teased, and bumped his shoulder with hers.
"I was over there with Jerry a minute ago but he's off chasin' skirts so I thought I'd take it all in," he said as he swept his hand out in front of him. "Helluva party they got goin' on, ain't it?"
"It's something, alright," she agreed. "I've never been to a disco before. This is bizarre."
James laughed. "That's one word for it."
"Are you having fun?" she asked curiously, completely aware that their shoulders were still touching and thoroughly enjoying the heat he provided her bare skin.
James considered her question. He hadn't wanted to crowd her, so he'd spent most of the night in the company of everyone else. In reality though, he'd only wanted to be with her. "It's alright. I know what'll make it better though," he commented, voice grave and serious.
"And what's that?" she responded lightly, knowing he was playing with her.
"Wanna dance with me?"
Her heart, which was already pounding, skipped a beat. She looked out over the crowded room, feeling self-conscious. She hadn't expected him to say that. "I don't know…"
"What? I know you can dance. Seen it with my own two eyes." His eyes almost twinkled as he leaned in closer to her. She didn't need to be a mind-reader to know he was thinking about his birthday.
"There's just so many people here!" she laughed, and bit her lip nervously.
"Then pretend it's just me," he encouraged, and her eyes stopped scanning the room to flick back to his, wary and unsure.
After a few heartbeats though, she nodded, and he pursed his lips in a gloating, dimpled smile. "Be right back," he whispered into her ear, and left to go talk to the person manning the soundsystem. He was only gone a moment before he returned, taking her (in all likelihood) clammy hand in his own and leading her out to the dance floor.
The song ended, and a new one began. The signature beginning notes of Sister Golden Hair were familiar to Juliet, and when James took the lead and began to sway her from side to side, the breath left her body with the realization that he had requested this song just for her. She felt like a tuning fork had been struck along her spine; even her fingers began to tingle with nerves as she looked into James's face. He was clearly trying to keep his expression neutral, but she knew better by now.
'I ain't ready for the altar, but I do agree there's times when a woman sure can be a friend of mine.'
James lifted his hand that held hers and spun her around as the music picked up. She felt his warmth and scent overwhelm her when he pulled her back in, holding her close. He had one hand firmly holding hers, and the other placed protectively on her lower back. On instinct, as if the moment were pulled from the deep recesses of her wildest dreams, Juliet felt herself threading her fingers through the back of James's hair. It was as silky as she knew it would be. She saw him close his eyes and pull her in tighter as they danced.
When the song ended, Juliet realized her breaths were coming out in small pants. Her cheeks were flushed and James's eyes were dark and sparkling in the low light of the rec room. A new song started up around them, but they just stood there, locked in a tight embrace.
"One more hour to midnight!" Someone hooted, and everyone gave a raucous cheer. It was enough to make Juliet jump, and she disentangled herself from James's arms.
"I'm gonna grab some punch - do you want some?" she asked timidly, tucking her hair behind her ears.
James nodded, and Juliet shot him a quick smile before hurrying off. As soon as she was gone, Miles appeared and slapped James on the back.
"Nice one, man!" Miles jeered, ignoring the glare he earned in return. "Helluva song to request. Cuz she's blonde. Real clever, man. Overall, I like Ventura Highway better, but whatever. Gettin' real close there, you and Juliet, huh?"
"The hell do you want?" James grumbled, certain he wasn't going to like where this was going.
"You're gonna kiss her at midnight, right?" Miles slurred a little.
"Why do you care?" James responded with an exaggerated eye roll, though he supposed Miles had a point. Was he going to? Should he? Would she want him to, or not want him to?
Miles tsked and tapped an imaginary watch on his wrist. "Cuz if you don't, I'm sure someone's gonna. Now's the time, dude." James considered. He'd had tunnel vision all night when it came to her, this was true, but as he'd looked around the room tonight, he also hadn't missed the lingering stares people had been giving her. Brad, in particular, looked at her wistfully even with a redhead glued to his arm.
Perhaps Miles had a point. "Now, I'm gonna go talk to Tracy before someone else does. You should consider doing the same," Miles hiccuped and elbowed James in the ribs before heading off towards the dance floor where a busty brunette was waiting for him. James shook his head in annoyance. Why the hell did Miles always nudge his nose into James's business?
Juliet returned with two cups of ruby red punch and handed him one. She smiled demurely before sipping on hers, instinctively licking her lips afterwards. "Everyone seems to be having fun," she commented. "Even Jin." She tilted her head towards the corner of the room where Jin was conversing with a few of the guys from the security team. Someone was telling a story, and Jin laughed, seemingly genuinely amused.
"He deserves it," James found himself saying with a frown. "Guy's been through hell. Gotta have some fun, sometimes." He looked down at Juliet who was watching Jin with a small, content smile.
"Yeah. He does. We all do, actually."
"Are you havin' fun?" he asked, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer. But her expression bloomed into something real and carefree, and he felt himself grinning in return.
"I am," she responded, and sipped once more on her punch.
"I'm glad. You, uh… Ya wanna get some fresh air or somethin'?" James asked, scratching the back of his neck and trying to act nonchalant. In his head, he was trying to figure out how to get her alone. If she had said she wasn't having fun, he would have offered for them to leave. But she was having fun, so now what? This 'trying to figure out what to do and how to act around her' was a dance James had been learning for so long, one would think he'd know the steps by now. But each time he thought he knew what to do, she surprised him and he had to change it up.
Juliet knew it was getting closer and closer to midnight, and she felt the nerves rolling off James in waves. She didn't need to wonder if he was going to kiss her at midnight; she already knew he would. Instinctively, Juliet felt the urge to let him down gently and extricate herself from the situation, but what James had said about Jin was still resonating with her: they all deserved to have fun - they had all been through so much. And she couldn't deny it, though she wanted to: she wanted him to kiss her.
"Sure," she agreed, and set her cup down before leading the way outside into the humid night air. He followed suit, watching the way the dress conformed to her body. It made his muscles ache with need.
They began to walk side by side, not necessarily heading in a specific direction. Juliet carried her heels in her hand, leaving her the perfect height for him to drape his arm across her shoulders; but he didn't.
"When did we become one of them?" James asked suddenly, looking around the compound as if seeing it for the first time.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
James shook his head, seemingly trying to find the right words. "We're Dharma. Ain't us and them anymore. We're officially assimilated. We're workin', livin' in the barracks, attending the events and parties and all the extra shit they do to make livin' here not suck so bad - no one's questionin' us about our story anymore. I'm on their side when we negotiate with the hostiles… It's just crazy still, you know? Fuck, I remember sendin' one of their vans down a great big ole hill with Jin, Hugo, and Charlie not even a year ago." Juliet listened as he talked, enjoying the way his voice made her feel all warm inside.
"Nice to know all my hard work will give you some entertainment down the road," she teased, and he chuckled lightly.
"I'm just sayin' - it's days like today I just wonder when it happened, is all."
"When we stopped being time travelers and started being Initiates?"
"Yeah. Exactly." James ran his fingers through his hair and blew out a breath. She looked around, and noticed they'd ended up near the dock. It brought a smile to her face, and she signaled for him to follow her to the end of it. Carefully, she sat down at the end of the wooden platform and swung her legs over the side. She looked up at James and saw him give her a funny look before taking off his socks and shoes and sitting down next to her.
"I understand the feeling," she finally responded. It had taken her a moment to think of what to say. "I asked myself the same question, once upon a time."
"With the Others?" James asked, and Juliet nodded. Normally bringing up her past affiliation made her cringe, especially when James acknowledged it, but there was no malice or scorn in his tone. If anything, he looked enraptured by her and she couldn't really blame him - she rarely opened up about her time with them. She'd be curious if she were him, too. But why bother, when hardly any of the memories were good?
"Yeah. But it was different. I enjoyed my work, at first. I made friends, I lived the island life. But then when I was told I couldn't leave, everything changed. What started out as paradise began to feel like a prison, and I grew resentful of everyone, including those who I believed to be my friends." Juliet grew quiet for a moment, and James followed suit, not wanting to break the spell. "But after a while, I couldn't stand to feel that resentment anymore. I was isolated and terrified and I needed something, anything, to remind me that I still had a life to live. So, I formed the book club. I reconnected with people I'd pushed away. Hell, I even started dating someone. And before I knew it, I was one of them too."
That certainly caught James's attention. "You dated one of them?" he asked, slightly incredulous.
Juliet smiled sadly. "I did. He was kind to me when not many people were, and we were friends for a while before we… Well, you get the idea." It felt strange, opening up to James like this. She didn't usually like to talk about Goodwin, and it certainly felt wrong to bring up an ex-boyfriend to someone who had the potential to be her next boyfriend, but in this moment James still felt like her friend. And he'd proven himself to be someone she could talk to about almost anything.
Despite his growing jealousy, James asked, "Wanna tell me about him?" He decided it was in order to satisfy his own burning curiosity.
Juliet wasn't sure if she wanted to, but she relented anyway. She told him about how they'd met, how he'd kissed her out of the blue one day and how he'd made her feel safe. He'd given her a glimpse of normalcy in an otherwise very abnormal situation, and she'd clung to him for the comfort he'd brought her.
"Why didn't it work out?" James asked, and leaned his head against the wooden boxes behind them. He tried very hard not to make his voice sound smug, but he was glad she'd ended up here, alongside him, no matter how she'd gotten there.
Juliet licked her lips and took a deep breath. "His wife was my therapist," she told him, and watched his face contort from satisfaction to surprise. "She tried to warn me about Ben, and how Ben had… She seemed to think Ben had a thing for me. She knew Goodwin and I were seeing each other, I don't know how she found out. They were really only married in name only; they weren't together anymore." The words came tumbling out all at once, like she had to somehow justify what she'd been doing. She felt herself growing embarrassed, and wondered if she'd made a huge mistake in telling him any of this.
"Goodwin?" James asked, and suddenly felt ill. He knew that name somehow.
"Yeah. That was his name. I know - I knew - it was wrong to be with a married man. Given what I went through with Ed, trust me - I knew. But he assured me they were no longer together, and he gave me so much support. I don't know what I would have done without him."
"What's that gotta do with Ben?"
Juliet blinked, feeling the burn behind her eyes. "The day your plane crashed, Ben sent Goodwin to join the tail section survivors. Harper tried to warn me that if I kept things up with Goodwin that Ben would hurt him somehow, and she was right." Juliet shrugged, not knowing how else to convey her deep regret. "He was killed, and that was that."
James knew by now that her cold indifference only existed to hide her immense pain, and this was no different. He felt sick to his stomach, seeing the pain in her eyes. He didn't want her to regret opening up to him, but he didn't know what to say to that either.
Juliet thought about Goodwin's carefree spirit, his easy-going nature. He had been a welcomed distraction, keeping her from dwelling too long on her sister or Julian. Like James, he'd been her friend and she'd trusted him with things she hadn't shared with anyone else. He was probably the closest she'd ever come to falling in love, and perhaps if he hadn't been married, and they hadn't been on this island, she would have. After all, she'd known all along they could never be together out in the open; but it hadn't really bothered her. In the back of Juliet's mind, she wondered if the reason she never let herself get too attached to him was because she always planned on leaving him behind the first chance she got. That, and he was never really hers to begin with.
Perhaps Goodwin had been the reason she'd stopped fighting against Ben so hard. Or maybe he hadn't had anything to do with her surrender, and that had simply been due to time, wearing her down like water over stone. She wasn't sure how they'd become true members of the D.I., whether it be from their relationships within the community or simply due to time, or a combination of both, but she definitely understood what James meant all the same.
"You always seem to find ways to surprise me," James commented with a snicker, knowing somehow that she wouldn't want to hear his condolences. "Glad I'm not the only one gettin' involved in a marriage that ain't my own."
The comment made Juliet grimace. "I never claimed to be perfect," she admitted with a sigh.
"I ain't into perfect. It would seem I'm into: 'damaged with mostly-decent intentions.'" Juliet laughed, and closed her eyes, shaking her head in dismay.
"I am certainly those things, I think. God - I just - I never, ever thought I'd be the other woman, you know? And you have no idea how hard it was, facing her every day in this small little community, having to talk to her on a weekly basis, knowing where her husband's mouth had been just hours earlier. It was exhausting." The bluntness helped cut the awkwardness of the conversation, and it felt freeing to say all this out loud.
James barked a laugh, feeling like they'd found another thing in common. He appreciated her candor and felt his kinship with her growing stronger. He tried to suppress the raging jealousy, considering the guy was dead and no longer servicing Juliet in the way James yearned to. "Did ya love him?" James asked curiously, after a few moments of silence.
Juliet shook her head. "I couldn't afford to," she admitted. James remembered when they'd played Never Have I Ever in the hammock on his birthday. He thought she'd been half-kidding, or fishing for information about him, but he saw now that she had been telling the truth. "I was only going to be here temporarily, James. What good would it have done me to fall in love with someone who I was just going to leave behind? I was doing us both a favor, keeping him at arm's length."
James was quiet as he processed her statement. He wondered if what happened with Goodwin was what was holding her back. He also wondered if talking about him was helping or hindering James's attempts at getting closer to her. Clearly there were a few similarities in their situations.
And then it hit him. The name. He swallowed, remembering vaguely where he'd heard it before. Juliet saw the color drain from his face and looked over at him with deep concern. "James? Are you okay?"
"Ana Lucia…" James whispered. "Son of a bitch…"
"What about her?" Juliet froze.
James swallowed hard, and looked around wildly. He didn't know whether he should tell her or not, but he figured she'd just told him so much… maybe he should try his hand at the honesty thing too.
"I don't wanna hurt ya…" he prefaced, and she gave him a pointed look that clearly said 'try me.' He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. "I slept with Ana Lucia. Or I guess, she slept with me. It was just the one time, and it meant nothin' but… I think she mighta…"
"She's the one who killed Goodwin," Juliet stated as if she were commenting on the weather, in a strange, detached kind of way. The tone used to freak James out, but he knew better by now.
"How'd you know?"
"Ben." Of course.
"Oh…" was all he could manage to say.
"Yeah… Ben… as I said, he was a bit possessive. He had to have absolute control over the situation at all times. He told me about Ana Lucia after he took me to see Goodwin's body."
"Wait a minute - he did what now?!" James felt his stomach twist into a knot.
Juliet nodded sadly, feeling her own stomach sour at the memory. It was a sight she'd had nightmares about for months. She still did, every once in a while. "I guess he didn't think I'd believe him, if I didn't see it for myself. That, or he just wanted to hurt me." His comment still gave her chills. Juliet felt nauseous. She didn't know how much longer she could stomach talking about this. She'd opened up so much in the last half hour, she could hardly believe how easy it had been. But it was grating on her now.
"Jesus Christ…" James whispered, and took her hand because he didn't know what else to say and hoped the gesture would be enough.
Juliet felt the rough, warm skin slide against her own and the message alone almost broke her. "It doesn't matter anymore. It's in the past. I'm glad you told me though. It's weird, for sure, but I appreciate you telling me." She sounded sad, even despite her half-hearted attempt to make light of the strange situation they found themselves in.
"Same," James agreed, and squeezed her hand.
He thought back to what he'd learned about her so far, and came to a startling conclusion: It would seem they had a lot more in common than either of them thought. Both of them had done things they regret, and both were not the same person they used to be. She'd told him about who she'd been before coming to the island, and that was most definitely not the same version of the Juliet he'd grown to know. What James didn't realize was that both of them were also subconsciously looking for acceptance and understanding from the other about their past misdeeds and failings, and more than anything, they both clearly wanted to be forgiven.
"Okay, I've told you something, now you tell me something," she said after clearing her throat to relieve the tension that had settled over them like a fog. "Speaking of 'one of them' - do you regret not leaving this place when you had the chance? You could have been one of the survivors, not one of the ones left behind."
"I could ask you the same question," James touted, and Juliet huffed a short laugh through her nose.
"I said I'd help get everyone off first. I almost did that, but not quite. So, no. I don't regret staying behind. Who knows - I might have died if I hadn't. But I asked you, so stop being greedy and answer the question, James." She was clearly teasing, and James looked down at their conjoined hands as he thought about the question.
They'd talked about the helicopter before. He'd told her how it felt, plunging into the cold, churning water below. How it had hurt as the air had been driven from his lungs, and how he'd tasted salt for days afterwards. But the question remained: did he regret his decision? Had she asked him six to seven months ago, he might have said yes (if he was being honest with her, which he very likely wouldn't have been back then). But now? He'd already admitted to himself that he didn't mind his life here. He certainly didn't miss Kate (much) and had all the comforts of home from his little yellow house. If he'd stayed on the helicopter, he doubted very much that Kate would have stayed with him. He might have even been locked up for killing Duckett, for all he knew.
But he did miss his freedom, among other things, and decided to keep going with the honesty schtick and answer her question. "I don't regret jumpin', but I wish we weren't still on the damn island."
"Fair," Juliet murmured, and sighed heavily.
"It's not cuz I wanna be with them, cuz I don't," James added, with a bit of urgency. "I know I did the right thing or whatever, cuz if someone didn't jump, all of us were gonna die. Your precious Doctor sure as shit wasn't gonna do it." Juliet scoffed and James shook his head, looking for the right words. Something about Juliet made his brain fuzzy and his mouth stop working. "I never thought in a million years we'd fuckin' time travel but if I was gonna do it with anyone, I'm glad it was with you guys."
"Are you happy here?" Juliet dared to ask, looking him in the eye. He wanted to look away - the sharpness of her gaze felt like it was stabbing into his soul - but he didn't. He licked his lips and watched her blink slowly, waiting for his response.
"Kinda, yeah. A little." Happy to be here with you. "That okay?" Meaning: Is that enough?
Juliet grinned. "Yeah. That's okay." They sat in silence a few minutes before suddenly Juliet began to laugh.
"What's so funny?" James asked, pulled from his inner musings at the stifled sounds.
"This might just be the most honest conversation we've ever had," she admitted, and added with a small shake of her head, "Why the hell did it take us this long?"
James was saved from having to answer her question by shouting in the distance: "TEN, NINE, EIGHT…"
The countdown had begun. The laughter died in Juliet's throat and she straightened her spine, watching James's face transform. He swallowed, looking nervous, and she wondered if perhaps he was having second thoughts.
"FIVE, FOUR, THREE…" It was now or never, James thought, and his heart began to hammer wildly. He wondered if she could see his pulse leaping from his neck.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" the Initiates cried out in the distance, and Juliet's lips quirked up in the corners, forming her signature smirk. The sparkle in her eyes and the way she looked up at him through her lashes, curiously and hopefully, was all James needed to summon the confidence to kiss her. With one hand still clutching hers, he used the other to cup the side of her cheek. He bent his head, brushing his lips softly over hers. She gasped lightly, and he ran his tongue gently across her bottom lip. She gripped his hand tightly and pressed her lips more firmly against his. The kiss was chaste, but powerful, and when they pulled away both felt breathless and dizzy.
Something snapped in Juliet's chest, like an elastic band pulled too taut. She suddenly felt like she couldn't sit still, like the giddiness was threatening to overtake her completely. A sudden, uncharacteristic burst of spontaneity bubbled up inside her and she grinned wildly at James before laughing. The kiss had been invigorating, she had to admit, and doing something crazy felt like a great way to avoid any potential lingering tension from their earlier conversation.
"I have an idea," she whispered, and leaned her bare foot down into the water below them. It was warm, just as she thought it would be for this time of year. Her fingers were trembling and she felt drunk as she stood and reached a hand down to help him up. She clung to the excited feeling and pushed down the fear that always preceded these kinds of split-second decisions. His eyes were wide and searching as he looked up at her, utterly confused, but he took her hand anyway.
"What in the hell are ya doin', woman?!" he cried as she started looking around them. No one was around, and she giggled surreptitiously as she reached behind her head to unzip her dress. James turned white as a sheet.
"I've lived on this island for what, four years now? And I've never jumped off this dock, but I've always wanted to," she explained with practiced, steady calm. "So, I'm going to go swimming, James." She tugged her dress down her hips until she was standing in just her bra and underwear. She figured it was no different than wearing a bathing suit; what harm could it do? Her outward display of confidence didn't necessarily match her anxiety on the inside. She tried to will away the nerves threatening to make her chicken out from this decision, and James's incredulous expression wasn't helping.
James thought he might just drop dead of shock. "I don't understand," he said, shaking his head and feeling stupid. Had he missed something? "Ya ain't got no swimsuit on, and it's midnight! Aren't there sharks or somethin' in the water?!" He couldn't believe Juliet was suddenly standing before him in her underwear and he was going on about sharks. He could have slapped himself for being a fucking idiot.
She grinned and laid her dress and shoes on top of the crate. "As you can see, I don't need a swimsuit. And I won't be long. This is a freshwater bay, I don't think we have to worry about sharks."
"We?"
Juliet leaned up and kissed his cheek before turning to dive gracefully into the water below. James watched the dark ripples spread across the glassy surface of the water with his jaw dropped and half a hard-on pressing against his pants. Just when he thought he was beginning to understand her, she goes and does something crazy like this.
After a moment, she surfaced, shrieking and laughing like a little kid. "Are you going to join me, or what?" she asked, and ducked back under the water, scrubbing makeup off her face. She wanted to feel like herself again.
James didn't know what to do. He felt frozen to the spot, shocked to his core that she was more spontaneous and brave than he gave her credit for. But what else could he do? When a half naked woman asks you to swim with her, you swim with her. So, he pulled his shirt over his head, tugged down his pants, and dove in after her, wearing just his boxers.
She felt the vibration in the water the moment he dove in, and a second later his arms were wrapped around her middle. They both surfaced, and she laughed wildly before slipping out of his grasp. For several minutes, they swam and splashed around, circling one another like they were dancing. His hands were all over her body, whether he was tugging on her feet or holding her at the waist or tickling the back of her neck, and she let him. It felt good, to play around and laugh and have fun with him, with no barriers, emotional or physical, between them.
When they got tired, they floated on their backs, looking up at the midnight sky above them. The stars danced and sparkled overhead, and the moment felt peaceful as they linked hands and just let the water support their weight. Further away in Dharmaville, the party was winding down. The last song of the night, Auld Lang Syne, was being sung by the drunken Initiates. Though the music was muffled, as her ears were just below the surface of the water, it still managed to fill her with a renewed hope she hadn't expected to ever feel again. She wondered if James felt it too.
But James wasn't thinking about the music, or the party, or anyone else. He was thinking only of Juliet's hand in his, of his heart thumping so hard he thought he might pass out. He was so scared, he almost couldn't breathe.
Because right then, floating in the bay with this gorgeous, intelligent, kind, and imperfect woman - James wondered if perhaps he'd fallen in love. It couldn't be, or rather - it shouldn't be, but yet there he was. His stomach was in knots and he mind was swirling and his hand clenched hers so tightly he never wanted to let go.
Sawyer would never know what love was. He had been infatuated, sure, and had maybe felt the desperate longing for connection with Kate in a way that made him think he was in love. But James? James was a scared little boy who died when he was eight years old, who'd somehow been revived by this godforsaken island and this enigma of a woman beside him. James was someone he was still getting to know, someone who was still being tried on like a suit in a tailor's shop, and he had no fucking clue whether James remembered anything about love or not.
But this feeling? This untameable, wild, desperate feeling clawing around inside him? This felt like something important. And the resulting fear seemed to confirm that yes, indeed, the worst has happened. It was comforting and exciting in some ways, because there was no doubt in his mind that Juliet returned at least some of the affection he had for her, but it was also unfamiliar and stifling. He'd never been in a position like this before, where one person consumed him so fully he didn't know what he'd do if he ever lost her.
He hadn't felt that way with Kate; if he had, he certainly wouldn't have jumped - would he? He tried to remember. He would have died for Kate; he'd certainly thought he was going to when they'd had them in those cages. But had he merely only had love for her, rather than being in love with her? He almost groaned in frustration. What the hell was he even talking about? What the hell did he know about any of this?
He didn't know what was happening, and he didn't know what to do. There was no way he could have fallen in love with someone he was still only friends with. Perhaps he was mistaken. What he did know, however, was that he wanted to float here with her for the rest of eternity, but he also wanted to run for the hills and never look back. Perhaps her fears she'd admitted to at Christmas were valid indeed. Nothing about him was reliable when it came to this.
When Juliet let her body become vertical again, he followed suit. "I'm a bit cold," she admitted, and her chattering teeth confirmed it. James nodded, and they swam over to the dock. They hoisted themselves up, and Juliet sat on the wood, hugging her knees to her chest. "You were right. This was a stupid idea," she laughed, and shivered as the cool night air blew over her wet skin.
James shook his head and pulled her body against his with one arm. "I never said that, but I did think you were crazy."
She giggled. "That makes you crazy too, you know. You jumped in with me."
"That I did, Blondie," he sighed. "That I did."
After a few minutes of cuddling for warmth and enjoying the peaceful solitude of the night, they tugged on their clothes and he walked her home. Having had enough spontaneity for one night, Juliet refrained from inviting him inside, settling for a peck on the cheek instead. She showered and threw on warm pajamas, before braiding her hair and slipping into bed.
So much for a slippery slope. In actuality, it was more akin to jumping headfirst off a cliff.
But she'd done it, and now she was falling.
Subconsciously, Juliet smiled in her sleep.
