A/N: Surprise! I got hit over the head with the inspiration stick and wrote another chapter much quicker than I anticipated. What I think I loved most about writing this one was seeing a complicated issue from two different perspectives, and identifying/understanding both points of view. It was a bit challenging but also really fun and I think it further exemplifies how neither of them are perfect people, and they both have problems. But I really hope it comes across and you can understand where both are coming from :) Dialogue might be a bit cheesy at times, but meh - what can ya do. As always, enjoy!
—-
Suddenly this is all too hard. I am tired of putting up walls. I want someone with the strength - and the honesty - to break them down.
Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts
—-
Chapter 12: Catch 22
The rainy season had finally descended upon the island, as it usually did this time of year. It's always had frequent bouts of torrential rain throughout the year, often coming on suddenly and unexpectedly, but it seemed like it had been raining for almost two weeks straight. However, even the downpour couldn't put a damper on Juliet's mood as she ran to work one morning.
She woke up thinking about James after having fallen asleep thinking about him too. He was somehow taking up every ounce of available space in her brain, leaving her feeling like she was fifteen again. Her breath caught every time she saw him, and the special grin he gave just to her was enough to make her heart pound. They'd been flirting heavily since New Year's Eve, and Juliet couldn't for the life of her get him off her mind.
Chris came up to her while she was humming to herself as she worked - some 80s song she probably shouldn't be humming - and he tapped her on the shoulder. Ever since James had pinned him up by his collar, he was less inclined to approach her, so she was surprised by the interruption.
"Juliet?" he asked tentatively.
"Hey, Chris. What can I do for you?" she asked with a bright smile on her face.
"Um, I just need to know if you finished taking inventory. It's your turn this quarter."
Juliet laughed softly. "I will, I promise," she assured him, and moved to go back to work.
"But - well, it's due today," he reminded her with a grimace.
The smile slid from Juliet's face as she processed what he was saying. "That's impossible. It's not due til the 15th."
"Yeah. Today's the 15th." He scoffed, and pointed out the calendar hanging on the wall behind her. She turned to inspect it, and her stomach clenched. Today was the 15th. Which meant…
Yesterday was Rachel's birthday. And she'd completely forgotten. She'd celebrated her birthday every year since being apart, except (apparently) this year.
Juliet felt sick to her stomach. She'd been so wrapped up in thinking about James, she'd completely forgotten about Rachel. Guilt overwhelmed her, because even though Rachel wasn't here, she'd still grown so complacent that she'd actually forgotten about her. What she'd always feared would happen had finally come to pass.
"Juliet? Are you okay?" Chris asked, and gently pried the wrench from her hand. "You look green."
"I… I have to go, Chris. Can you please do inventory? I'll - I'll do it next quarter…" she mumbled, and ran a hand along her face before turning to walk quickly home. Her legs felt like jello as they carried her across the compound while the rain pelted her skin, soaking through her jumpsuit. How could this happen? She had sworn to herself that Rachel would always and forever remain her top priority, and now that she'd been so wrapped up in daydreaming about James, it had finally shifted. She felt the truth of that statement deep in her belly and it terrified her.
She'd stopped thinking about her sister. She'd given up.
When she finally reached her house, she swung open the door before slamming it behind her. She angrily stripped out of her jumpsuit, and sat with her back against the door and cried.
—-
James grinned to himself as approached the motor pool in his borrowed van. He'd had a pretty easy day, patrolling alone in the van to keep dry from the rain. He'd cranked the ABBA cassette since no one was around to judge him, and just enjoyed the peace and solitude. Now, he was off work and could finally check in on his favorite blonde. He'd been looking forward to seeing her all day.
He'd also been thinking about kissing her again. Just - ripping off the bandaid and going for it. He felt hyped up enough, and a decent amount of time had passed since Christmas. And hell - New Year's Eve? That had been pretty hot - swimming around in their underwear, dancing, and kissing at midnight… surely it was time to make this happen. Surely she felt for him the way he felt for her, and was ready to take this to the next level.
But when he walked around the motor pool, she was nowhere in sight. Chris, the pervy guy who'd harassed her nonstop when they first arrived, cleared his throat and took a few steps back when James approached.
"She isn't here," he said, sounding somewhat annoyed.
"Whattaya mean?" James accused, like it was Chris's fault.
"She freaked out about something and went home. I don't know if she was sick, or what."
James tossed him the keys to the van and grumbled under his breath. He wasn't sure what to do here. He was a little worried, and though she might just want her space, he couldn't deny the impulse to check on her just in case. This hadn't been what he'd expected, but it was the right thing to do. So much for kissing her, he thought gloomily, and set off for her house. He ran, trying not to get too wet, until he reached her front door.
He knocked a few times, shaking the water from his hair like a dog. He slicked it back with one hand before running his palm over his face. When she answered the door in shorts and a t-shirt with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, that was the first indication something was wrong. The second indication was her bloodshot, puffy eyes. She had been crying, and she rarely cried.
"Christ…" he muttered, and leaned his hand against the doorframe, the other resting on his hip. "Are you okay?"
She moved her head in a nod, that turned into a shake, like she wasn't sure how to answer his question. But she bit her lip and moved aside and allowed him to come in. It scared him that she looked hesitant about it, like she wasn't sure if she should.
"What the hell happened? Was it the motor pool guys? Did someone hurt you?" he demanded, and ran his wet hands under the blanket and along her bare arms. Goosebumps erupted on her skin in the damp tracks his fingers left behind.
"No, I'm fine…" she started to say, but James interrupted her.
"You sure as hell don't look fine!"
"James - please. I'm not in the mood for this, okay?" Juliet muttered under her breath, and stepped out of his reach. It stung him.
"Well you better get in the mood, cuz I ain't leavin' til you tell me what's the matter."
"Just go home. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Nuh-uh, sunshine. I'm stayin'. So fess up."
She glared at him defiantly, but just as soon as the spark was struck, it faded, and she shook her head in defeat. "Here, I have some larger clothes that might fit you. You're soaked…" she pointed out dully, and moved to go back into her bedroom. He was tempted to follow her. He'd never been in her bedroom before, and had to admit he was a little curious, but he stayed put.
She returned carrying an oversized t-shirt, sweats, and socks. She handed them to him and sighed before going back to sit on the couch where a notebook sat open on the table. She closed it before he could see what was inside.
He thought about changing right then and there, just to shock her, but he kicked off his boots and ambled down to the bathroom instead. He peeled off his wet clothes, hung them up over the shower rod, and pulled on the clothes she'd given him. They were tight, but they'd suffice for now.
When he returned, she was sitting just where he'd left her, only now she was staring out the window, watching some point in the distance through the falling rain. He plopped down onto the couch beside her and sighed heavily.
"We friends?" he asked, and his voice sounded too loud in this too quiet house. She looked at him and nodded. "Thought so. Now - out with it. What's gotten into you today?"
She fiddled with one of the tassels on her blanket and sniffed audibly. She bit the inside of her cheek and twisted her lips to the side. James could tell she was thinking about what she wanted to say, but he wanted to shake her - just to get her to say something, anything. It annoyed him that she always thought so carefully about her words before speaking. He wanted to see her unguarded for once.
"Yesterday was Rachel's birthday," she stated, and James waited patiently for the rest to follow. After a moment she added, "I forgot it."
James didn't have siblings, so he didn't quite understand the feeling she was hinting at. But he knew how close they once were, before Juliet came here. She rarely talked about her sister, but he'd gathered that much. "So ya forgot. It ain't exactly like time's the same here, ya know."
Juliet frowned and shook her head. Apparently that had been the wrong thing to say. "I don't want to forget, James. I swore to myself that no matter how long I was stuck here, I wouldn't forget her. And I did. And I have been. I…" she trailed off, and curled into herself under the thin blanket. James knew what that meant. She was retreating into her shell, either too nervous or too ashamed to be fully honest.
They sat in uncomfortable silence for too long. James bounced his knee, not knowing what else to do. He was getting restless. This - comforting a woman like this? - it wasn't his strong suit.
"What's with the notebook?" he finally asked, desperate to break the tension, and the quiet.
She ran her finger along the edges of it. "I'm writing to her. It helps, I think."
"Like what, a letter?"
"Kind of… more like, memories. I'm writing down things I don't want to forget." Her voice was soft and sad, and James's chest ached.
"I don't get it, Blondie. So you forgot her birthday. So what? She ain't here to even be offended."
Juliet flinched, and James almost swore aloud. Why was he so bad at this? "I know she isn't, James. It's just… God this is so embarrassing," she moaned and let her head fall back against the wall. "I've celebrated her birthday every year since I've been here, to keep her with me. But I've been so distracted lately. With you."
Normally, James would goad her and delight in the compliment behind the message, but he already felt agitated. "You sayin' it's my fault?"
"No!" she said as she held her hands up. "Not at all. I'm just - it's like I only have room in my brain for one thing, lately. I don't want to risk forgetting things that I don't want to forget. It's like…" she bit her lip and sighed. "All I've been thinking about is this thing developing between us. I know you feel it too. And it's scary and real and present, and she's not. She isn't here for me to talk to," she said thickly, feeling her throat closing. "I just wish she was here."
James felt like an absolute asshole. He'd made this about him, when it wasn't really about him at all. He'd been thinking with the wrong head, as Miles would say, and as she sat there looking helpless and forlorn trying to hold back her tears, James felt his anger subsiding.
"What would y'all do, if she was here? How would you celebrate?" James asked, and rubbed his hand down her calf over the top of the blanket.
Juliet hiccuped and shrugged. "Ironically, she doesn't care that much about birthdays." She huffed a short, derisive laugh. "But I guess if she knew I was feeling like this, she'd do something to make me feel better and we'd just - I don't know - get pedicures or something." She blew her nose softly into a tissue and balled it up before dropping it into the makeshift trash can beside her.
James nodded, and rose from the couch. Juliet watched him curiously as he rifled through her kitchen drawers, pulling out two spoons. He then dug through her freezer and found a carton of vanilla ice cream. She sucked in a breath, not knowing what to say.
"I know this ain't about me, sweetheart," he said with a sigh as he flopped back down onto the couch. "But I'm scared 'a this too." He used the spoons to motion between the two of them. "So for now let's pretend I'm just your friend and not the guy who wants to see you naked, and let's talk." He may be bad at all this, he thought, but he'd seen enough movies to know chicks liked ice cream. It wasn't Ben and Jerry's, but it would have to do.
Juliet let out a boisterous, infectious laugh and tossed one end of the blanket up over his lap. She pressed a palm to her flaming hot cheek, blushing furiously as he popped open the carton lid and handed her a spoon. He grinned at her in appreciation of her shy reaction, and took the first bite, savoring the cold sweet cream on his tongue.
"What do you want to talk about?" she murmured against the spoon in her mouth. No one on the planet had enough self-control to avoid watching the way her lips slid over the metal. It made James's heart skip a beat, and he had to breathe deeply to regain his wits.
"I dunno. You're the one dealin' with stuff today. Tell me about Rachel. Maybe talkin' about her'll help," James suggested, and took another big bite.
"Why do you wanna know?" she whispered, almost defensively, and James squeezed her ankle in reassurance.
"Cuz I wanna know all about you. And she's a part of you. SO, ergo, tell me 'bout her."
"Did you just say 'ergo'?"
"Sure did."
Juliet giggled. "You must be serious."
"Must be," he grinned.
She inhaled deeply through her nose. And she told him. She told him about what it was like growing up with a sister, especially one that was her complete and total opposite. She talked about her parents' divorce and how Rachel went on a bit of a wild streak afterwards. She talked about how Rachel had cared for her like a parent would throughout college, and how she'd begged her not to marry Ed. She told him about their subsequent divorce and how Juliet had sworn to pay Rachel back some way, somehow, and had done so by giving her the gift of a child when she otherwise couldn't have one.
James listened, enraptured. He could read between the lines well enough to know how meek and mild Juliet had once been. How she was clearly a genius who had absolutely no idea what she was worth. He loved that she was telling him so much about herself, and it almost (almost) took his mind off of the fact that he still hadn't made a move. And how much he wanted to.
But now definitely wasn't the time for that. Someday soon, God help him, but not now.
Over an hour had passed, and the ice cream was long gone. The carton sat on the coffee table with both spoons tucked inside. Juliet had her socked feet in James's lap and watched him as he rhythmically, and probably subconsciously, rubbed her bare shins underneath the blanket. He seemed much calmer than he'd been when he arrived. The anxious energy had dissipated as soon as she'd started opening up. She half wondered why he cared so much.
"I can't believe you listened to me talk this long. There might be something wrong with you, James," Juliet teased. She felt incredibly self-conscious for taking up so much of his time.
"Nah. Ain't a big deal. You needed it."
"Still. I didn't mean to keep you this long."
James looked outside. The rain had stopped. "I wouldn't've offered if I didn't wanna do it," he reminded her. "Feel better?"
She nodded. "I do. A bit. Thank you."
"No problem. I'm gonna have to pass on that pedicure though," he mumbled as he stretched his arms up over his head. She laughed and watched as the t-shirt rode up his stomach, showing the toned muscles beneath. "I only let my girlfriends paint my toenails." He winked at her, waiting for her to make some quip about needing to change that. But she smiled sadly and said nothing at first.
After an awkward moment, she cleared her throat and offered, "Maybe another time then."
He rose from the couch and went to the bathroom. His clothes were still damp, but he pulled them on anyway. He didn't want to show up at home wearing Juliet's clothes. Miles and Jin would have a field day.
When he returned, he noticed she hadn't moved from her seat on the couch. "Thank you," she said quietly. "That did feel nice. Talking. It's been a long time since I opened up like that."
James figured that had been the case, and couldn't deny that he felt touched that she'd trusted him enough to do so with him. "You're welcome," he responded, and opened his arms for a hug. She blinked slowly, hesitating only a moment, before rising from her seat and walking into his embrace.
"You're a good friend," she murmured against his shoulder, and James tried not to flinch. He didn't want to be just friends with her anymore. His heartbeat became irregular and he had to inhale deeply to try and stifle the hurt flaring to life. This might have been his opening to ask her for more, but he couldn't do it. He'd set her up with the 'girlfriend' comment and she hadn't taken the bait. Mentioning it now would only make him look desperate. He already admitted he wanted to see her naked. How much more obvious could he be?
James pulled away and leaned down to kiss her cheek. She could tell by the darkness in his heavy-lidded eyes that he wanted more, but he didn't act on it. It made her feel guilty, seeing how much she seemed to want her, and not having it in her to reciprocate.
"I'm gonna go home and get a shower. I think it's my turn to cook tonight. You comin' over?" he asked, leaning back a little in their embrace in order to look down into her face.
She let go of him and crossed her arms over her ribs. "No, not tonight. I think I just need to be alone for a bit."
James nodded, not bothering to hide his disappointment. "Okay. Well, you know where to find us if ya change your mind." She nodded, and he slipped into his boots before leaving. As soon as the door closed behind him, a shuddering sob raced through her body.
She was falling in love with him. Hard. She felt it in her bones; there was no denying it. What had she done?
She ran a hand through her hair and began to pace, anxious energy needing to get burned out. She felt completely and utterly helpless, and it was frightening. Whatever happened to having tight control over her emotions? Getting stranded a second time seemed to have yanked the fight right out of her. She couldn't believe after everything she'd been through here, and all the other bullshit she'd survived and fought against over the last four years, she'd somehow grown so complacent, she rarely ever thought about going home anymore. And - she'd forgotten about her sister because she'd been too busy falling for James Ford. Even in her head, it all sounded ridiculous.
Juliet wanted to scream. She was tired of feeling like a mess, and she was tired of feeling like she was being split down the center. One side of her was too fragile and cowardly to go after what she wanted, while the other half was screaming at her for not jumping his bones the moment he brought her the ice cream. She didn't know what side of her to be and she didn't know how to be both.
So many unanswered questions sprang into her mind: Does the risk of being with him outweigh the positives? Would being happy here with him mean she was emotionally giving up on her pursuit of going home? Was she allowed to be truly happy when she was still stuck in a time that wasn't her own, on the island that had become her prison? Or even worse: what would happen to her (to them) if they didn't make it? If they broke up, could they still remain friends?
(What if they didn't break up at all? she dared to think, but that almost scared her the most).
Juliet knew with absolute certainty that she wouldn't survive here (now) without him. She knew it was dramatic even in her own head, but it felt true nonetheless.
She looked down at the notebook on the coffee table lying next to the empty carton of ice cream. What would Rachel say, if she was here?
Rachel would likely want her to be happy, whatever it took. But Rachel didn't know her anymore. She didn't know the things Juliet had experienced; the manipulation, the loss, the trauma - all of it was real and relevant and Rachel knew nothing about it.
Relationships had never gone Juliet's way before, so why would this one? This special, delicate bond they'd formed was more precious to her than anything, and it would kill her to lose it. Even the strongest people become worn down eventually, and in the back of Juliet's mind, she couldn't help but think that perhaps true happiness would always be just out of reach for her no matter what she decided - so why ruin a good thing?
But she thought back to the good times, too: dancing with James, sleeping next to him on Christmas morning, swimming in the bay with him, playing I Never with him in his hammock, feeling him kiss every inch of available space above her collarbones as he moved inside her… all the flirting, all the conversations… they'd been real, too. It had all been real.
Could it be that easy? Just to be happy, and let the dice fall where they may? It felt counterintuitive to her self-protective nature, but she couldn't deny it was what she wanted. But if she knew she wanted to be with him, then why not just do it? When had she ever let fear dictate her choices like this?
Maybe she just needed more time to think about it. Realistically, she knew it wasn't fair to him, but perhaps she still wasn't ready. And it wasn't like she was saying no to him, she was just keeping things exactly as they were. Yes. That was it. She'd just give it more time.
She took a deep, steadying breath as she walked down the hallway towards her bathroom. She was going to shower, have some dinner, and keep writing. She hadn't finished her self-imposed penance, and there was still so much more to say. She couldn't afford to let her thoughts about James get in the way again; she wanted to give Rachel her full and undivided attention, even from the vast distance of time and space.
But even with her best intentions, the empty carton on the coffee table only served to remind her that even when he was gone, he wasn't really gone at all.
—-
The next day, James turned in the van after work as he'd planned to do the day before. They flirted, though he could tell her attempts were only half-hearted. He assumed she must still be upset about the day prior, and he decided to leave her be.
They ate dinner together with Jin and Miles, and she feigned sleepiness to leave earlier than usual. Again, he let it go, trying to give her space, even as she kissed his cheek in a quick goodbye.
But another day passed, and she acted just friendly enough for him to not ask her what was wrong, but just guarded enough that he knew something was wrong. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he knew it had something to do with him. It had to.
It rained all weekend, limiting the Initiates to find ways to keep occupied indoors. Miles was hungover from his date with Tracy, so he mainly stayed in bed. Jin and James played Battleship for a couple hours until Jin too decided to go take a nap. James could hardly blame him; the weather was gloomy and dark and foreboding.
On Saturday night, James looked out the window, seeking out Juliet's house, and saw that her light was on. He imagined she was probably reading. In his mind, he saw himself running over there, asking to come inside, and her pulling him in by the belt before sticking her tongue down his throat. He'd pull her to the couch and one thing would lead to another, and…
James looked down and groaned before adjusting his jeans. He was sick and tired of walking this line. But he was also too chickenshit to call her out on it, not when she seemed so… off. Not sad, per se, but more closed off than usual. This weird, physical pain he'd developed as a result of his longing for her was going to have to take a backseat until she got over whatever the hell it was she was working through. He highly doubted it still had anything to do with Rachel. It was definitely (probably) something else, he reasoned.
She hung out at their house on Sunday, and to James's surprise, seemed almost back to her usual self. She cooked for them, they played games (rescheduled from Friday, so Miles could go on his date with Tracy), and had a great time. But it was as if she sensed something in him as they said goodnight, because she opted for a wave instead of their usual hug. He'd planned on kissing her, right then and there in the living room (after mulling it over all damn day, changing his mind almost every hour).
It was the last straw. James wasn't sure how much longer he could take this. He'd tried being patient, he'd tried giving her space, but damn - this was spiraling out of control. He dreamed about her every night, and physically ached every morning from insatiable desire. Something was going to have to give. He needed to know, once and for all, what was going on inside her head and why they couldn't just be together.
The more he dwelled on it, the more he began taking it personally. He already knew he wasn't shit, and by no means good enough for her, but she didn't need to string him along like this either. The rage simmered beneath the surface, only abating slightly after he'd decided on his next move.
Tomorrow, once and for all, he was going to get an answer. He had to. Because he really didn't know how much more of this he could take.
—-
James parked his van in the North Valley. He set the emergency brake and took a deep breath. So far, there was no rain in sight, though there were black clouds rolling in from the ocean on the horizon. He figured the spot was safe enough, overlooking the water yet out in the open away from where anyone could hide. Plus, it was close enough to the sonic fence that he could make a quick getaway if needed. He could even see the pylons from here.
"Jin? Do you read me?" James spoke into his walkie.
The black device crackled to life. "This is Jin. Are you in trouble? Over."
"Nah. I'm alright. But listen, I need a mechanic. Tire blew. I'm out at the North Valley. Send JULIET, okay? Over."
"Got it. I go let her know. Over."
James inhaled deeply and waited, leaning against the side of the van, looking out over the ocean in the distance. The air smelled briny and fresh, and the wind whipped his hair around his face. More than once he had to swipe it out of his eyes, and was doing so for the dozenth time when Juliet pulled up and hopped out of her jeep. James was glad the top was on; this storm was blowing in faster than he'd expected it to.
"Looks like you need a haircut!" she teased playfully, and started to grab her tools from the backseat.
"Nah - it's just the wind!" he called back, coming around the side of the van to meet her halfway.
"Which tire is it?" she asked distractedly as she rifled around her bag.
"None of 'em," James admitted, and watched her confused face bounce between him and the van behind him.
"What?"
"I said, none of 'em. Tires are fine."
She laughed nervously and toyed with the tire iron in her hands. "Thennn… why am I here?"
"I gotta talk to you," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. He was trying his damndest not to blow up, but the anger from the night before was creeping back in like the tide.
She scoffed. "We can talk at home. We shouldn't be out here. It's going to storm."
"I know that. But I had to get your attention somehow. Ain't nowhere to run or hide out here, Blondie. And we need to talk."
She rolled her eyes, feeling like he was just being dramatic. "Come on, James. We can leave the van here if you want and ride back in the jeep. We can talk on the way."
"Nuh uh. We're gonna hash this out, then we can go back."
She stared at him blankly. And then her face contorted into a barely controlled fury. "Are you being serious?"
"Dead serious."
"Fine," she hissed, and tossed the tire iron back into the back seat and slammed the door. "I don't appreciate being lured here under false pretenses, James. But what is it you wanna say?"
It was a low blow, but not undeserved. He'd lied to get her here, and he knew how she felt about lies. "I need to know what the hell we're doin', Juliet," he said, more calmly than he felt. He didn't want to scare her off by yelling at her. She was clearly already pissed.
"Um, well. It looks to me like we're standing on a cliff, about to have an argument, while we wait for a storm to blow in," she spat sarcastically.
James didn't take the bait, though he was mildly impressed he'd already gotten a rise out of her. Maybe he'd finally get to see her unguarded for once. "I mean with us."
She blanched. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. "I don't understand."
"Yeah, well, neither do I." He took a few steps towards her, until he was close enough to touch her. She crossed her arms over her chest protectively and looked at him with alarm.
"If you have something to say, just say it, James."
He sighed and scratched the back of his head. "I want you. You know that. You seem to want me too. So we kept doin' this dance and I get it - you wanted space. But how much space we talkin' here? It's been almost a month, Jules."
"So? I asked for time."
"And I gave you time!" James felt his voice rising, but he was desperately trying to rein it in.
Juliet's face began to flush. "I care about you. But this…" She gestured between them. "This isn't something I've taken lightly. I don't want to lose you."
"Who says you're gonna?" he snapped. The comment took them both by surprise. "Hell, I've had just as much relationship bullshit as you and ya don't see me shyin' away from any 'a this."
"Because you want to get laid!" she snapped without considering her words, and instantly regretted it when she saw the look on his face. "I meant - "
James gritted his teeth. "Are you fucking serious? You think I just wanna get laid? You think I ain't had multiple chances to fuck any other woman in this whole goddamn cult?"
"James, I didn't mean…"
"Yes! Yes you fucking did. Is that all this is to you?"
"NO! Of course not!"
"Then what's your problem? Do you want me or dontcha? Cuz clearly all I wanna do is fuck someone, so if you're not gonna do it, I'm sure someone else will." His tone was deep and dangerous, and Juliet felt tears stinging the backs of her eyes.
She could barely breathe, and her eyes kept darting out to the encroaching storm clouds. "Why do you want this so badly? Do I remind you of her or something?" she said so softly he barely heard her. She couldn't believe she'd just spoken her biggest insecurities aloud, but something about the moment was making her so nervous, it's like her filter had magically disappeared.
James laughed and put both hands on his head before walking around in a short circle. "I don't know how many times I can say it, Juliet. I don't want Kate anymore! I know you think I do for whatever crazy reason but I don't! Why do you gotta be so goddamn difficult?" he shouted.
"Because I can't possibly deserve you, James! You are kind and funny and so goddamn smart and the most handsome man I've ever seen! I just don't get it - I locked you in a cage and held a gun to your girlfriend's head, not to mention I lied to you all countless times and - "
"I've been past that, I don't care about that shit anymore!" he shouted, interrupting her.
She clenched her fists and shook her head. "I know. And I know we're friends, but we're stuck here together and I can't help but think you only want me because I'm the one here. None of these other women know the truth, about where we come from, about any of it. I don't want you to want me just because I'm the only one who understands."
"That ain't it!"
"Then what is it? I just - after everything - I don't understand why you want this so badly!" she practically screamed. Her blood pressure was pounding in her veins and her hands were shaking. She never intended on revealing any of this to him, but what choice did he leave her? "I've always come second, James. Always. And I thought I'd made peace with that until now." She ticked the numbers off on her fingers as she explained, "Ed cheated on me relentlessly, Goodwin wouldn't leave his wife to be with me, and Jack? Both of you fell head over fucking heels for that girl and I don't have a single clue why. So you want to know why this has been so difficult for me? Why I've avoided making a decision at all?"
She paused, taking in deep lungfuls of thick, salty air before continuing, "Because I'm scared. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, here." James puts his hands on his hips and watched Juliet cover both hands over her face in aggravation. She leaned against her jeep and rubbed her cheeks and forehead like she was trying to clear away a physical ache. After a moment she groaned and continued, "Either we become something and break up and I lose my best friend, or we don't get together at all and I spend the rest of God knows how long regretting that choice. I don't know what to do."
He couldn't say he didn't understand. He did, and he felt the same way. "I don't wanna lose you as a friend, either, cuz you're probably the best friend I ever had," he finally muttered after a few moments of silence. She had to strain to hear him over the crashing waves. "But ya know what scares me more? Not doin' this with you. I can't stop thinkin' about you, all day and all fuckin' night. I'm losin' my mind and I need to know. I need to know if we're doin' this or not. Cuz if not, I need to get over you."
There. He'd said it. Plain and simple. Except, of course, it wasn't. It wasn't simple at all.
"How do we know what the right decision is?" she murmured, and rubbed her hands along her upper arms as if she were cold.
"I don't know, Juliet. I don't know what's right or not, I only know what I want." He stepped forward and placed his hands atop hers, pulling them down to hold near her stomach. "And I wanna be scared shitless with you. Cuz between the two of us, it ain't you who don't deserve me. It's the other way around. And to me, sweetheart?" he sighed. "You do come first."
Juliet stared at him, dumbfounded. A crash of thunder startled her from her daze, and in her mind, Juliet dove headfirst off the metaphorical cliff. After all, he was right. There was no right or wrong, smart or unwise - there was only the string in her gut tying her to him. It was pulled so tightly, she knew there was no escaping it. No matter how hard she's fought against it thus far, it has never gone away, and it likely never will.
His face was intense and hard, but open and honest in a way that took her breath away. She nodded, blinking rapidly against the burning in her eyes. And it was all the permission he needed.
He let go of her hands to cup the back of her head. He brought his face down and molded his lips against hers with a delicious fervor. She responded in kind by wrapping her arms around his middle and squeezing fistfuls of his jumpsuit in her hands. When his tongue darted in to caress hers, her knees went weak, and he had to shove her up against the jeep to keep her steady.
Juliet's head was swimming in the best possible way. And then finally, the storm clouds overhead broke, letting loose a torrential downpour of ice-cold rain. They yelped, pulling away enough to look into each other's eyes, but neither let go of their hold on the other. Silently, he was asking what she wanted to do next. Her eyes flicked to the van behind him and she nodded. He took her hand and pulled her towards the van. He opened the back and they clambored in, both already soaking wet.
He shut the door, closing them in to the humid, semi-darkness. Juliet was still gulping down air when her eyes met James's again. His eyes were dark and his mouth hung open slightly. She smiled in her goofy way that let him know she was okay, which caused him to chuckle, and then he was on her again.
He resumed his hold on the back of her neck, and she laced her fingers through his wet hair. She brushed it away from his face with her cold fingers, and sighed against the hot breath of his mouth. His tongue tasted hers, and she tasted exactly how he'd remembered: sweet and wholly Juliet.
She tugged on his wet jumpsuit, laughing at the way it clung to his skin. In the close quarters of the back of the van, there wasn't enough room to pull it off him delicately. Chuckling lowly, he helped her out by sliding his arms out from the sleeves and pulling his white t-shirt over his head. His chest was wet, and she leaned in to suck the water off his collarbone that was dripping down from his hair. He moaned, and leaned back against the wall, feeling tingly all the way to his fingertips.
Careful not to hit her head, she straddled him, and he unzipped her jumpsuit for her. He swallowed hard as he peeled her tank top up over her head, and placed soft, delicate kisses on the tops of her breasts. She shivered, but not from the cold. Instinctively, she ground her hips down into him, causing him to run his fingernails down her back.
"Nnng… Juliet…" he sighed against the place where her neck met her shoulders, and ran his tongue along her shoulder. "I wanna see you," he whispered, and gripped her hips firmly. He looked down at their jumpsuits hanging off their waists, and she nodded, feeling lightheaded with need. There was nothing patient about this. It felt almost as desperate as it did on Halloween - they both needed each other, and they needed it now.
She climbed off his lap and tugged off her shoes, throwing them in the corner by the door. She slipped her wet jumpsuit and underwear off her legs and chucked them on top of her shoes. James did the same, claiming the other corner.
She looked over at him, and a soft gasp escaped her throat. There must have been a reason he'd dressed as a Greek God, because that's exactly what he was. His tanned, toned figure looked straight out of a painting as he leaned on his elbow, slightly twisted at the waist. His eyes were locked on the curve of her thighs, and he reached out a tentative hand to stroke the soft skin of her hip.
"You're fucking gorgeous," he murmured softly, as if to himself, and she felt herself blush.
"Says the most beautiful man I've ever seen," she whispered back, and laid on her side next to him. She contorted her arm and unclasped her bra, letting it fall before her. Without leaving his gaze, she flung the bra into the front seat and swallowed as his eyes raked over her body.
His pupils were dilated and his breathing was coming out in soft pants. He leaned over top of her and ran his finger along her peaked nipple. She gasped, and he took it into his mouth. Something akin to a whimper left her throat, and she found herself begging.
"James… please…" she said, whiny and breathy and desperate for him.
He chuckled against the skin of her breast, and repeated the motion with the other one. When he was done, he leaned back up to kiss her and slipped his hot, rough hand tantalizingly slow down her chest, to her stomach, to her inner thigh. She was panting and angling her hips as he moved two fingers around her, dipping inside of her briefly enough that she barely had time to gasp. When he found his mark, he slipped his tongue inside her mouth and swallowed the groan that erupted from somewhere deep in her chest.
It either took minutes or hours, she could hardly be sure, but it felt like hardly any time at all. She felt herself rising steadily as he stroked her, and kissed her, and sucked on her earlobe. He was everywhere, all at once: his heat, his scent, his breaths - he was driving her crazy and she thought she might evaporate completely as she came hard against his hand.
He made a soft little "mmm, mmm" sound against her wet hair, and she found herself reaching for him. He was stiff as stone in her hand, and larger than she remembered him being. She could hardly believe all of him could even fit inside her, even though she was a doctor and knew better.
She stroked him and he panted hard. But then his eyes flew open and he seemed to almost panic. "I don't, uh…" he started to say. "I don't have - I didn't expect - "
"Shhh, it's okay. I'm on the pill," she whispered, and ran her thumb along the tip. He shuddered, and pushed himself up on his forearms. She got as close as she could to the front seats, head leaning against them, and opened her legs for him. He reached behind him to grab their wet jumpsuits and balled them up on either side of her thighs. Placing his knees onto the pile, he found a comfortable position and tugged her hips towards him.
Bending down, he gave her a flurry of kisses on her stomach, chest, and arms before sliding in slowly but surely. She whimpered, feeling him take up every inch of available space inside her. She felt whole and complete, like she'd been waiting a lifetime to feel this. With her exes, it felt forced and sometimes even painful, but this? They fit together like two halves of the same coin. He completed her in a way that almost brought tears to her eyes.
It felt like they always should have been doing this, and nothing was ever going to feel the same again.
He moved against her in slow, even circles, pumping in quickly on the upswing. Her soul completely left her body as she felt pure pleasure rocket through her. She didn't think it was possible for it to feel this good.
Even James let out delicious whimpers as he clung to her, kissing her hard and sporadically, like he could barely think or concentrate. She loved that she could make him feel this good; she could see it on his face. Just as she didn't think she could hold out any longer, she came again, crashing around him. He rode out tremor after tremor until he cried out and she could feel the pulsing of him inside her.
She felt high as she rode out the final spasms they both shared. A giggle bubbled out of her chest as he collapsed on top of her. She wrapped her arms around his back and kissed the top of his head. It had been quick and cramped, but so, so worth it.
James blew out a breath and rested his forehead against her collarbone. "That was somethin'," he breathed, and gently kissed the skin just above her heart.
She laughed, "You could say that again."
Carefully, he slipped out from inside her and moved to lay on his side. He extended his arm and she grinned at him shyly before lying on her side beside him, using his inner arm as a pillow. He pulled her back into his chest and settled a strong, protective arm under her breasts. Together, they bent their knees in the small space of the van, savoring the way they fit together like two puzzle pieces.
They both sighed, feeling sated and comfortable, despite the hard floor of the van, and spent a few minutes just enjoying each other's touch and listening to the rain pounding on the roof. James inhaled her scent, pulling it deep into his lungs and letting it fill him completely. Juliet kissed the inside of his arm, causing goosebumps to arise.
After a moment, James cleared his throat and said, "I didn't answer your question earlier."
"Hmm?" Juliet asked, confused.
"You asked why I wanted ya. It's kinda a complicated answer." She said nothing, almost preparing herself for the worst. "You're gorgeous, sure. But you're also brave, and smart as a whip, and witty as hell. You're goofy and sarcastic and ya got a big ole heart hidden behind that wall of ice ya try and keep up all the time." Juliet grinned against his skin. "You 'n me - we're a lot more alike than I ever thought we'd be. You get me - like, really get me - and it's weird as shit considering where we started out. Just cuz it's forgiven don't make it any less true. But… I meant what I said about you bein' my best friend 'n all."
"Thank you," she murmured, and kissed the inside of his arm again. "You're mine too."
"I know you were just tryin' to do what you had to do to survive. I geddit - trust me."
Juliet sighed and her breath tickled him. He pulled her closer and nuzzled his face into the back of her neck. "I did lead you on a bit though. I know I did. I guess… I don't know. Back in October, I made the decision that I was going to stop moping around, feeling sorry for myself, and just go after what I wanted. I feel like I used to be pretty tough, and then getting stranded here, now, changed everything."
"You're still tough as nails, Blondie," he reminded her, and moved her hair to kiss the top of her spine. It sent shivers down to her toes and elicited a sigh from her lips.
"Thank you. But I didn't feel that way. And then things got better, until - until they didn't." James didn't need a reminder. He knew what happened on Halloween. "And then I felt like I had this huge setback. But when Christmas came along… I wanted to decide to be happy again. I did. But I felt like I had so much more to lose by that point, you know?"
He understood. He felt it too, this bond between them. "Mmmhmm. We've been through a lot together, you 'n me."
"We have. Yeah." She grinned, knowing it was the understatement of the year. "And I'm sorry I reacted like that, with Rachel's birthday. It's just still so weird. I haven't seen her in over four years, and yet I cling to her in a way I can't explain. I miss her, obviously, but seeing her also means going home, and it's all I've ever wanted."
"I said I was gonna get ya there. That day on the beach," he said. She remembered. It was right after she'd decided to stay. Again.
"I know, but you shouldn't make promises you can't keep, James." He ran his fingers through her hair, unwilling to admit she had a point. "I'm sure I've seemed crazy, the last few months. But I guess I've just had a lot to work through. It feels good to have finally talked about it, though."
They laid there in silence, with James brushing back her hair and her eyes drifting closed, savoring his gentle touch. After a moment, James gently pulled his arm out from under her head. She laid on her back and he rose up on his elbow to look down into her face. "You know I like you for you, right? It ain't about the sex. Or well, not totally about the sex." Juliet giggled and rolled her eyes. "But you get what I'm sayin'. I ain't good at any 'a this shit. I just wanna make sure you know that I like you."
She smiled her signature coy smile, the one he loved so much. "Clearly I'm not very good at it either, but I know what you mean. And I like you too, James Ford. Not Sawyer. Not Jim LaFleur. You. The real you. You've always been enough, just the way you are."
James felt his eyes begin to burn, looking down at her beautiful face, with her pink cheeks and heavy-lidded eyes. Her words hit him like a wrecking ball to the chest. They were everything he hadn't expected her to say, and yet everything he needed to hear. He couldn't even find words to respond with, so he merely nodded and swallowed, hoping she understood.
He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. They couldn't change the past, but they could definitely change the future, and as long as she was in his future, he knew he was going to be just fine.
Suddenly Juliet began to laugh, breaking the kiss.
"What's so funny?" he narrowed his eyes and asked playfully, leaning down to nip at her earlobe.
"I was just thinking of New Year's Eve. I said our talk on the dock was the most honest conversation we've ever had. I think this one beats that one by a mile."
"What, the argument or us confessin' our feelin's like two horny teenagers?" He placed a kiss on her jaw and then her neck.
"Both," she sighed, and ran her fingers across the vast expanse of his back.
"You don't expect us to keep toppin' the last one, do ya? Cuz eventually we're gonna run out of secrets."
Juliet pulled his face to hers, cutting him off. She was certain they'd never run out of secrets. But that wasn't the point. For the first time in a long, long time, Juliet felt almost unburdened. She'd ripped off the bandaid, and they'd jumped headfirst into a decision they'd either regret or not. There was no way to know. But one thing was for certain: she couldn't get enough of him, and now that she had him - she wasn't planning on ever letting go.
"LaFleur, are you there?" came Jin's voice on the walkie. James growled against Juliet's mouth before reaching across her to answer it.
"What?" he mumbled.
"Just to be sure you are okay. You are still out in the storm? Over."
"Yeah. Juliet and I are bunkered down, waitin' it out. Why? Over."
"Horace ask me to check in. We need you back soon. Power is out, we need to go with Radzinsky to check. Over."
James flopped back down on top of Juliet, making her squeal with laughter. He waited until she stopped before pressing down the button and mumbling against her skin."Be there soon. Over and out."
He groaned and sat up as best as he could in the small space. He wasn't ready to let her go.
"I'll see ya later?" he asked, grimacing as he started to pull on his wet clothes. She nodded, doing the same.
"Yeah. That would be nice."
When they were fully clothed, they stepped out of the van. The rain had stopped but the air was still thick with humidity. Juliet shivered from the wind, and James rubbed his hands up and down her arms, trying in vain to warm her up.
She smiled up at him, pleased with the thought behind his attempt, before leaning up on her tiptoes to kiss him. "I'll see you later," she said, and left him behind to get in her jeep. He watched her drive away and leaned heavily against the van.
Three thoughts suddenly sprang into James's mind:
1. That had gone far, far better than he'd anticipated.
2. He was gonna kick someone's ass for ruining the moment.
3. He was most definitely falling in love with her. If he hadn't actually fallen already.
Everything was going to change after this.
